11: Book Review: Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshmin

Wondering what real self-care looks like beyond spa days and shopping sprees? Dr. Angela Downey explores Pooja Lakshman's book "Real Self Care," examining the difference between quick fixes and lasting self-care, including setting boundaries, changing how we talk to ourselves, living by our values, and using our power for good. This episode will give you practical tips to move past temporary solutions and build a sustainable self-care practice that truly improves your life.

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Transcript

Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out, or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships, and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self.

I'm your host, a family doctor, and fellow codependent doctor, Dr. Angela Downey. We can do this together.

Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 11th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, Doctor Angela Downey and I am codependent. Today's episode is a discussion on a book called Real Self Care by Pooja Lakshman.

She's a psychiatrist working out of New York. She specializes in women's mental health and focuses on women struggling with burnout, anxiety and depression. In this book, she discusses faux self care versus real self care while exploring the systems that brought us to the point of exhaustion.

This book focuses mainly on women and marginalized groups, but I think we can all learn something great from it. Let me start by saying that I loved this book and it changed the way that I viewed self care. I don't know how many times I've told myself that I was stressed out and needed a spa day.

But when I returned home from the spa feeling well and rejuvenated, it wouldn't take long for real life and my old routine to settle back in and weigh me down. As life got more and more stressful, I needed more and more spa days. But the relaxation days seemed to only be a temporary fix.

Doctor Lakshman's book was helpful to make me realize that going to the spa wasn't true self care and that real change from my mental health needed to come from within. For the record, I'm not being paid to review this book. I've never met Doctor Lakshman, although I would be honored to meet her someday and she has not asked me to promote her book.

I just really, really liked the book and I felt that my listeners would appreciate some of her wisdom. I'll be going through some quotes that I pulled out from the book with the permission of Doctor Lakshman's team and then discuss them using my own words. So quote number faux self care is largely full of empty calories and devoid of substance.

It keeps us looking outwards, comparing ourselves to others or striving for a certain type of perfection. It's incapable of truly nourishing us in the long run. I am the queen of faux self care.

For years I relied on this for solace, but it never brought lasting change. So let's talk about what is faux self care. I'm sure you've all tried it.

So massages, facials, going to the spa, sprinkle in a little retail therapy here and there, buying stuff online that you'll never use or clothes that you'll wear once, spending time on social media as a means of escape, using food or alcohol to deal with your emotions. Sound familiar? Although these activities feel great in the moment, they can give you that hit of dopamine. They're really just surface level indulgences and temporary distractions.

Real self care focuses on practices that enhance your overall well being. It involves making choices that support long term health and happiness rather than providing a quick and temporary fix. Real self care can’t be achieved with a 60 minutes massage.

It takes time, energy and a lot of self reflection, but it'll work wonders for you in the long run. I must confess that after reading this chapter, I immediately thought that spending the day at the spa sounded like a fabulous idea and I tried to figure out how I could maybe fit in a spa weekend getaway into my schedule and my budget. I've been conditioned to believe that this is what I need to feel better.

I learned this from tv, from companies that make products that promise that amazing feeling, and from watching others do the same. Society has taught me that this is what brings happiness. It does feel good being pampered for a day, but that won't change you coming home to a messy house, screaming children and paying the bill for that extra foot massage you couldn't afford but did it anyway because you were feeling desperate for a break.

But I've learned from experience that it doesn't last and it hasn't made my life better. Overall, faux self care is an expensive band aid that provides a temporary solution. Quote number two real self care is not a one stop shop like a fancy spa retreat or journaling.

It's an internal process that involves making difficult decisions that will pay off tenfold. Real self care is not only a more authentic and sustainable solution, it's also self determined. It involves setting boundaries, learning to treat yourself with compassion, making choices that bring you closer to yourself, and living a life aligned with your values.

So there you have it. Real self care is a lot of work. It takes time and it takes a lot of self reflection.

You'll need courage to tell others what you need and difficult conversations to tell people your limits. It's all about taking deliberate actions to be able to maintain and improve your physical, mental and emotional well being. Imagine self care as training for a marathon.

When you first start training, it can be really tough. You wake up early in the morning, push through some sore muscles and sometimes feel like giving up. You have to plan your meals carefully, stay hydrated, and make sure that you get enough rest.

It requires a lot of dedication and discipline, and the progress can feel slow. But as you keep at it, your endurance builds. You start to notice improvements.

You can run longer distances, your pace increases and you feel stronger. The consistent effort pays off, and eventually you'll find yourself crossing the finish line at the marathon, feeling a sense of accomplishment and pride. Self care works in a similar way.

At first, making time for self care activities like exercising, meditating, or setting boundaries can feel challenging and even uncomfortable. It's going to require a lot of effort and commitment, and the benefits might not be immediate. But if you continue to prioritize your well being, you begin to see the positive effects.

You have more energy, feel more balanced, and are better able to handle stress over time. These small, consistent acts of self care are going to lead to a happier, healthier and more fulfilling life. So just like with marathon training, the journey of self care takes time and it takes effort. But the end result, a stronger, more resilient and happier you, is well worth it.

Although I like this metaphor, it doesn't take into account the subtleness in feeling better that setting boundaries will have. Right now I have trouble envisioning myself running down the block, but with time I can measure my improvement by running one block, then two, then 1 km, and so on and so forth. But with setting boundaries, you will notice the effects after several months to years and you'll very slowly start to feel better.

But it's hard to measure that success. I would encourage you to find activities to keep you moving forward one step at a time. So examples would be journaling daily, listening to podcasts one to two days a week, or joining a codependent anonymous group, coda for short, that meets weekly.

Quote number three as women, we are taught that caring for ourselves is a selfish act. We learned early in life that we should be putting energy into caring for others as daughters, partners and mothers. I couldn't agree more with this.

Being a woman can be really challenging. Society has raised us to be emotional caregivers. Even if we are working full time, there's still the expectation that we will be the primary caregivers and carry the mental load.

When I talk about carrying the mental load, I'm referring to the invisible, ongoing management of household and family responsibilities. So women are expected to keep track of everyone's schedules. Remember birthdays, plan meals, think about Halloween costumes two months ahead of time, start planning for holidays or special events long ahead of time, and ensure that everything is running smoothly.

Now, sure, these are things that we don't actually need to do. We could have the same meal seven days a week, eat macaroni and cheese for Christmas dinner, and only unwrap one. Maybe no gifts at all.

And people might say that women do this to themselves and that we choose to make our lives complicated. But in truth, there is a certain expectation to have these things and that responsibility to make that happen often falls on women's shoulders. This can be overwhelming, especially if the expectations are not explicitly communicated, but are instead assumed.

Caring for an elderly parent often falls disproportionately on daughters because of traditional gender roles and societal expectations. This responsibility can significantly impact her career and her personal life. The daughter caregiver might have to reduce her working hours or leave her job, and it can affect her financial independence as well.

This emotional and physical stress of caregiving can be really overwhelming and lead to burnout, and limited support from other family members can make the burden even heavier. Being a woman comes with high emotional expectations. You might feel responsible for being a constant source of support, comfort, and companionship for others.

This can lead to feelings of guilt if ever you want to focus on your own needs. I've heard some mothers say, I'm so glad I had a daughter. It might seem like a loving and affectionate thing to say.

It suggests a special kind of bond and emotional closeness, but it can also place a lot of pressure on the daughter. Hearing this statement, you could imply that as a daughter, your responsibilities to your mother are different than that of your brother's. A statement like this can create high emotional expectations.

It can reinforce the idea that your value lies in your ability to care for and support others, often at the expense of your own well being. You might feel pressure to put your mother's needs ahead of your own, leading to self neglect and burnout. If you're caring for an elderly parent or a special needs child, that shouldn't fall solely on your shoulders.

But society has taught us that that's the natural order of things. It can lead to caregiver burnout, anxiety, depression. Going to the spa is going to help you feel really nice for a day, but having your brothers help you take care of your parent or having your spouse be more involved with your special needs child will help you more in the long run.

The idea of self care can seem like an impossible luxury. Women are made to feel that taking care of themselves is neglecting their other duties, but that's not the case. Self care is essential for maintaining your physical, emotional, and mental health.

It's about replenishing your own energy so that you can continue to care for others without burning out. Recognizing the importance of self care and challenging the notion that it's selfish is a crucial step towards achieving balance. So when women prioritize their well being, they are better equipped to handle their responsibilities and support their loved ones.

So it's time to shift the perspective and understand that taking care of yourself is not an act of selfishness, but a necessary part of a healthy, fulfilling life. By valuing self care, women can break free from society's traditional expectations and advocate for their own needs, ultimately leading to a happier and more balanced existence. Quote number four real self care is an inside job.

There are four principles of real self care. One. Setting boundaries and moving past guilt.

Two. Changing how you talk to yourself. Three.

Bringing in what matters most to you. Four. This is power.

Use it for good so you can see how faux self care and real self care differ. Faux self care keeps us looking outwards, seeing what we don't have, and thinking that those things will bring us happiness. I love when she says that real self care is an inside job.

It's about looking into ourselves and making changes that will sustain us long term. My dad used to always say, give someone a fish and they'll eat for a day. Teach them how to fish and they'll eat forever.

The exact origin of the saying is unknown, and I've made my own changes to make it more gender inclusive. But the message is still there. It emphasizes the value of teaching skills over providing temporary solutions.

It means that it's better to teach someone how to solve their problems rather than just solving them temporarily. This is the same for self care. So Doctor Lakshman is giving the formula to improve our mental health long term.

So let's explore these four concepts a little more. Setting boundaries and moving past guilt setting boundaries is the main topic in my podcast for episode seven. It's an important aspect of self care because it involves protecting your personal space, time, and emotional well being.

By setting boundaries, you're making sure that your needs are respected, which helps you maintain a balanced and a healthy life. Once a boundary is set, it helps you conserve your energy and prevent burnout. It minimizes stress by preventing over commitment, reducing feelings of being overwhelmed.

It helps your relationships by fostering mutual respect and understanding. They help others understand your limits and respect your needs. Imagine you have a friend who constantly calls you late at night and she's always in some kind of personal crisis.

So while you care for your friend and you care for their problems, these late night phone calls are affecting your sleep and it's causing you stress when you're supposed to be settling down. So unless your friend just got a call at 11:00 p.m. saying that her dad died.

She's likely been dealing with this personal crisis for a few hours. So you can say I'm really sorry that you're struggling with x, y, and z and I want to be there for you, but I find the late night calls are really affecting my sleep. If you're having a hard time, can we talk about things before 09:00 p.m.

You can still be there for your friend just earlier in the evening. It's about balancing compassion for your friend with compassion for yourself. I've told my children that after 09:00 p.m.

I am no longer a parent. They're on their own. I didn't implement this until they were about twelve ish, when I felt they could handle it, but it felt great.

If you needed me to pick something up at the store, bake cookies for the bake sale, or edit your paper, you had to ask me with sufficient time for me to be done by nine. After that, it was my time. I would read my book, take a bath, or watch my favorite tv show.

Of course, you never really stopped being a parent, but unless it was a true emergency, they had to figure it out on their own. Two changes how you talk to yourself in episode eight, I focused on self compassion. Self compassion can significantly enhance self care by allowing you to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when times are tough.

When you practice self compassion, you're more likely to recognize when you're struggling and take steps to care for yourself. Rather than pushing through all the exhaustion or ignoring your needs, you need to change the narrative in your head. Instead of criticizing yourself for not being able to handle everything, you acknowledge your efforts and give yourself permission to rest.

Instead of thinking of yourself as a failure for not being able to hold your life or relationship together, remind yourself that you're human and doing your best. Give yourself credit for your efforts. Then you can start thinking of what you can do to resolve the situation.

If you feel weak for having trouble managing and maintaining a household while working full time, tell yourself that it's okay to struggle. Balancing work and home is challenging for everyone. Then you can focus on what are some of the things that you can do to lighten your load instead of continuing to beat yourself up.

If you're feeling overwhelmed and burned out from caring for your elderly parent, you might feel exhausted, stressed, and guilty for not being enough. Remind yourself that it's okay to feel this way and that you're doing your best. Then you can ask other friends, family members or community services for some help.

As a side note, for all of you who are burned out from being the sole caregiver of others. So mothers of young children or teens, caregivers of elderly parents or special needs children or a spouse with a disability, friends supporting friends with mental health issues and healthcare workers, it's okay to feel two things at once. Feel love for the person you're caring for and find the experience rewarding, but also feel exhausted and stressed and look forward to them going to bed at night.

You don't need to pick one feeling over the other. Feeling both positive and negative emotions is normal, and you don't need to feel guilty for having those negative feelings. Dialectical thinking is a way of understanding and reasoning that involves considering multiple perspectives and finding a balance between them, and acknowledges that things are not just black and white, but often involve complex interactions and contradictions.

Doctor Lakshman has a few great chapters that revolve around caregiver burnout, and if this is something that you're experiencing, I would definitely recommend checking it out. Anyways, I digress. Back to the book.

Step three of real self care brings in what matters to you. This principle focuses on identifying your core values and making decisions that are aligned with them. It involves understanding and acting on what is genuinely important to you rather than adhering to social pressures or temporary fixes.

I love how she emphasizes that we all have different values, and what might be important to one person might not be the same as what's important to the other person. It takes me back to episode three when we talked about pleasing people and figuring out what makes you tick and sticking to it. Being your authentic self is a key part of self care because it means living true to your values and desires.

This reduces internal conflict and stress that makes life more satisfying. When you make decisions that match your true beliefs, it helps build self respect and boost your self esteem. It also leads to better, more genuine relationships because people are connecting with the real you.

When you're focusing on what matters to you most, you're going to be more passionate about it and it'll come more easily to you. I've been reading self help books and listening to self help podcasts for a while and it's something that I like doing and I do it voluntarily. So doing a podcast focusing on mental health issues comes more easily for me and it's kind of fun.

I'm sure not everyone would feel the same, and if you told me that I should start a podcast on zodiac signs and the stars, I'd really struggle to maintain my enthusiasm and doing it would actually be a little painful. So I highly suggest finding things that you love doing and that you do more of it. And you can use this in any context you'd like as long as you're not hurting anyone else.

Step four is power. Use it for good. This book focuses on understanding and reclaiming your personal power in a positive way. It encourages you to make decisions that align with your values and to use your newfound power in a positive way.

Whether it's positive changes in your life, the lives of others, or your community, once you start feeling better about yourself, you can help others. Sometimes this happens just by being yourself and living your own life. When you prioritize your well being and start living life more authentically, others can see the positive impact that it has on your life.

You can inspire others by being open about your experiences and practicing self care. The main takeaways for today are that while full self care may feel great in the moment, it rarely lasts. It's a temporary solution, a band aid.

If you want lasting change, then the changes will need to come from within. Only you can make the changes needed to improve your circumstances. I want to thank Doctor Lakshman for writing this amazing book and being willing to share her story with the world.

There are so many great lessons in this book that I was able to take away with me. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself. I'll meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor.

When we talk about shame. Take care for now.

Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns.

If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital called 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.