Codependents and boundaries: Minding your own business

Let’s face it, as codependents, we can struggle with boundaries because our self-worth often comes from helping others, and this can lead to overstepping. In this episode, Dr. Angela Downey discusses the importance of minding our own business, emphasizing respect for others' privacy and boundaries. By focusing on our own personal growth and respecting others' autonomy, we can foster healthier, more respectful relationships. To wrap up, Dr. Downey provides self-reflection exercises to help us understand our need to get involved in others' affairs and how to focus more on our own lives.

Episodes mentioned:
-Episode 7: Setting Boundaries:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2356801/15206479-setting-boundaries

-Episode 13: Break the Gossip cycle:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2356801/15434819

Subscribe to my newsletter for more information on when my new workbook, Enough As I Am, will be available on Amazon.

📘 Download my suggested reading list of codependency books Here

📰 Sign up for my newsletter Here

❤️ Are you codependent? Take a Codependency Quiz, https://thecodependentdoctor.com/quiz/

✨Please contact me for any questions, comments or ideas for future episodes at codependentdoctor@gmail.com

📺 YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@thecodependentdoctor

👀 Website: www.thecodependentdoctor.com

☀️ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drangeladowney/

🍒Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61558437886042

🎵 Music: Touching the Air by Graceful Movement - https://www.premiumbeat.com/

Transcript

Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out, or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships, and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self.

I'm your host, a family doctor, and fellow codependent, Dr. Angela Downey. We can do this together.

Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners, and welcome to the 14th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, Doctor Angela Downey, and I am codependent. Today's episode, we are going to focus on minding your own business. Minding your own business means focusing on your own life and responsibilities instead of getting involved in other people's personal matters.

It involves respecting other people's privacy and not prying into their affairs, spreading rumors, or giving unsolicited advice. By minding your own business, you show respect for other people's boundaries and acknowledge that everyone has the right to handle their own issues without any interference. This practice promotes a peaceful and respectful environment as it reduces conflict and misunderstandings.

It also allows you to concentrate on your own growth and well being, which leads to a more fulfilling and less stressful life. So, in essence, minding your own business means valuing others privacy and autonomy while focusing on improving and managing your own life. Minding your own business is like taking care of your own house. I'm going to be using this house metaphor throughout the podcast, so when I talk about a house, I'm actually referring to your life.

So minding your own business is like taking care of your own house. If you spend all of your time peering over the fence or looking into your neighbor's windows, commenting on how they should paint their walls, mow their lawns, or arrange their furniture, you neglect your own home, so your grass grows wild, your paint peels, and your house becomes neglected. By focusing on your own house, you ensure that it's well maintained, cozy, and inviting.

You take pride in your space, making it a place of comfort and stability. In your house, you can do what you want. You have some control over what happens inside.

It's not fun when other people come peeking through the windows and telling us how things should be done. It's creepy, intrusive, and really uncomfortable, and I can assure you that people don't appreciate it when you go looking through their windows either. It can be challenging for codependents to mind their own business because we often derive our sense of self worth from helping and being involved in other people's lives.

We feel a strong need to control situations and take care of others, sometimes to the detriment of our own well being. We might believe that our value comes from being indispensable to others or solving others problems, and it leads us to overstep boundaries and become overly involved in matters that don't concern us. This tendency sometimes stems from insecurities, fear of rejection or abandonment, and it could be hard for us to solely focus on our own lives and needs.

My son is starting university in the fall and over the weekend I was helping him pick out classes and I use helping in air quotes here. I had all sorts of opinions on what classes he should take to better prepare for his future career, how to best plan out his schedule, what teachers to pick, and how much he could work during the school year. He never asked me to plan out his whole university experience.

He did ask me for help in logging into the university registration portal and that was all I needed to jump in 2 feet first and take over the whole show. I loved school so it didn't take much for me to get involved but he didn't ask for me to be involved and I could tell that my abundance of great information, if I do say so myself, was really overwhelming for him and he wasn't enjoying the planning process. I had to step back so we took a break for the evening and resumed the next day.

But this time I spent more time exploring what he wanted and why. I sat beside him, but tried to support him by writing out schedules and taking notes on what he was saying. He was the one who was picking out the classes and I was just writing down the course numbers to keep track.

I could still be of service and answer all of his questions, but he was significantly more engaged when he was able to take responsibility for picking his courses. If I had kept interfering and overriding his decisions, I could have significantly altered his university experience. Letting go and trusting others to make their own decisions can be really tough and I still need to remind myself of that every day.

Working on my codependency is something that I do every day. Even now. It doesn't take much for me to fall back into some of my old patterns if I'm not careful.

There are many ways that we can interfere in other people's business. Gossiping, which is the focus of episode 13, is a way that we get involved in other people's business without their permission. When we gossip, we share personal or private details about someone's life, often without knowing all of the facts.

It might seem harmless or even entertaining, but it's a way of prying into things that aren't our business. By talking about others, we distract ourselves from our own problems and avoid facing our own issues. Gossiping gives us a sense of control and makes us feel important because we think that we have inside information.

But this behavior can hurt feelings, can damage relationships, and create a negative environment. So instead of gossiping, we should focus on our own lives and respect each other's privacy. Gossiping is harmful to your relationship, so mind your own house.

Giving unsolicited advice is another way that we get involved in other people's business. When we offer advice without being asked, we assume that we know what's best for someone else, which can come off as intrusive and disrespectful. We might do this because we care and we want to help, but it can make the other person feel judged or misunderstood.

It's like we're saying that their way isn't good enough and they need to do things our way. This can create tension and strain in relationships as people feel that their autonomy is being undermined. So instead of giving unsolicited advice, it's better to listen and support others, waiting for them to ask for input if they need it.

This shows respect for their ability to handle their own lives, and it fosters more of a supportive environment and a trusting relationship. Giving unsolicited advice is harmful to your relationship, so mind your own house. Prying into other people's personal matters this happens when we ask intrusive questions or dig for information that hasn't been shared willingly.

It might come from a place of curiosity or concern, but it can feel like an invasion of privacy. How much money do you make? Why are you still single? When are you going to have kids? How much did you pay for your house? Why did you get a divorce? Why don't you drink alcohol? A patient I had met only once asked me why I had rescheduled her appointment. Was I sick? Was everything okay at home? Was I married? I kept trying to redirect the conversation to what brought her into the office, but she wanted to know more about my personal life and kept coming back to it.

When we pry, we send the message that we don't respect the other person's boundaries or their right to keep certain things to themselves. This can make people feel uncomfortable and defensive, and it damages trust and makes relationships less open. Instead of prying, we should respect others' privacy and let them share what they want when they're ready.

This approach is going to show respect, and it creates a safe space for genuine, voluntary sharing. Prying into other people's personal lives is harmful to your relationship, so mind your own house. When we step into a disagreement or argument that doesn't directly involve us, we often think that we're helping solve the problem.

But interference can actually make things worse. It can lead to more misunderstandings and resentments because each person might feel like we're taking sides or not respecting their ability to resolve their own issues. This constrains our relationships with both parties involved.

Interfering in other people's arguments can look like given opinions on other couples personal arguments or relationship issues that affect only them parenting choices like how they should discipline their kids or about their upbringing family members arguing about money matters like loans, spending habits or inheritance colleagues arguing about work tasks, projects, responsibilities, or professional performance getting involved in neighbors fighting over property lines, maintenance responsibilities, or noise levels someone arguing with their family or friends about personal health issues, choices, treatments, or medical advice. We saw lots of this during COVID When it came to vaccinations, everyone seemed to have an opinion on what others should do. I saw families get destroyed over this topic.

It was really sad to watch. Instead of jumping in, it's better to offer support by being a good listener and letting them know that we're there if they need help. So this approach respects our autonomy and shows that we trust them to handle their own conflicts.

Interfering in other people's conflicts is harmful to your relationship, so mind your own house. When we criticize or question someone's personal decisions, we're essentially saying that we know what's best for them, which can come across as disrespectful and intrusive. Everyone has their own reasons for making the choices they do.

Reasons will vary based on their unique experiences, values, and circumstances. By judging, we're ignoring these factors in imposing our own perspective, which can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. For example, if we comment negatively on someone's career path, relationship, or lifestyle choice, it can make the other person feel unsupported and judged.

If someone made the following comments to you, think about how you might feel. I can't believe you took that job. It doesn't seem like a good fit for you.

You got married too young. It's bound to end badly. Why did you let your kids stay up so late? That's not good parenting.

You're still renting. You should have bought a house by now. Are you really going to wear that? It's not very flattering.

When I started telling people that I was getting a divorce, a friend asked me, have you really thought about what you're doing? You're going to mess up your kids' lives forever. I was heartbroken. I can assure you that a woman who has decided to leave her husband has not made that decision lightly.

There likely has been years of thinking about it before she actually does it, and the kids were likely the biggest thing that she was considering, and what was holding her back from actually leaving when I needed a friend the most. I felt judged and abandoned. Instead of criticizing, it's more helpful to offer understanding and encouragement.

By respecting the other person's autonomy and trusting them to make their own decisions, we foster a more positive and respectful environment. This approach will not only strengthen our relationships, but it also allows us to focus on our own growth and well being. Judging people for their decisions is harmful to your relationships.

Mind your own house overstepping boundaries is a clear way of getting involved in other people's business. When we ignore or disrespect someone's personal limits, we intrude into areas of their life that are meant to be private. This can happen in many ways, so showing up at someone's home or workplace without prior notice or invitation planning someone's schedule or activities without asking for their input or their consent going through someone's personal belongings without permission constantly calling, texting, or messaging someone even when they haven't responded or if they've asked you for space insisting on helping someone with a task or problem when they haven't asked for your assistance taking control of a project or task someone else is handling assuming that you know better.

Persisting with requests or actions even after someone has clearly said that they're not interested or have declined in episode seven, we discussed how boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships because they allow people to feel safe and respected. By overstepping these boundaries, we show a lack of regard for their autonomy and personal space. Instead, we should ask for permission, respect their choices, and understand that everyone has the right to their own privacy.

This is going to help build trust and ensure that your interactions are based on mutual respect and understanding. Overstepping boundaries is harmful to your relationships. Mind your own house.

Monitoring other people's activities is another way of getting involved in other people's business. This happens when we track what others are doing, like constantly checking their social media updates, asking detailed questions about their daily routines, or spying on their whereabouts. While we might justify this behavior by saying that we're concerned or just curious, it often comes across as intrusive and controlling.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm monitoring my adult children a little bit too much, and I constantly have to check myself to make sure I'm not crossing any boundaries. I like to know if they'll be coming home after midnight because I want to know if someone's going to be opening up my back door at 02:00 a.m. and potentially triggering the alarm.

But I also worry about them and I have trouble sleeping. I try not to pepper them with questions, but stick to the things that I need to know because they're going to affect me or the household. But if someone knows your whole schedule, where you're supposed to be at all times of the day, and then questions you when you deviate from that plan, it can feel intrusive.

Everyone has a right to their privacy and autonomy, and monitoring their activities undermines this right. It sends a message that we don't trust them or respect their ability to manage their own lives. This can create feelings of resentment and discomfort, damaging relationships and eroding trust.

Instead of monitoring, it's better to communicate openly and trust that people will share what they want when they're ready. This approach is going to foster a more respectful and trusting relationship where everyone feels valued and free to live their own lives without any unnecessary scrutiny. Monitoring other people's activities is harmful to your relationship.

Mind your own house. We have no way of knowing what's going on in other people's lives, and it's not for us to interfere. I've got my own life and my own little house to take care of.

It's inappropriate for me to peek through your windows or interfere with your life. I can't push through the front door uninvited or trim your hedges into some funky pattern just because I think it would look nice. Try to spend more time taking care of your own business and trust others to do the same for themselves.

Here are some self reflection exercises for the week. If you're wanting to do some journaling, can you think of a recent situation where you got involved in someone else's business? Describe what happened and why you chose to get involved. How did getting involved make you feel? How do you think it made the other person feel? What are the reasons behind your need to get involved in others affairs? Are you seeking control, validation, or connection? How has getting involved in the other person's business affected your relationships with them? Can you identify any negative consequences that arose from your involvement? How can you remind yourself to focus on your own life and responsibilities instead of others? As an example, I tell myself, mind your own house fairly regularly.

What positive activities or hobbies can you engage in to keep your attention on your own growth and well being? What specific situations or people trigger your need to get involved in other people's business? How can you prepare yourself to handle these triggers in a healthy way? I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself. I will meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor when we talk about loyalty in the context of codependency. Take care for now.

Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns.

If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital called 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.