Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Recognizing Toxic Loyalty in Codependent Relationships
Can loyalty be a double-edged sword in codependent relationships? Join me, Dr. Angela Downey, as we unlock the complex dynamics of loyalty and explore how it can both build and break us within these emotionally charged partnerships. You'll learn how extreme loyalty can trap us in unhealthy relationships, draining our emotional resources and well-being. I examine the fine line between healthy loyalty and codependent loyalty, and how recognizing this can help you reclaim your authentic self. Don't miss this enlightening conversation about the hidden pitfalls of loyalty in codependent relationships.
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Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, Dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 15th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, Dr Angela Downey, and I am codependent.
Speaker 1:Today's episode will focus on loyalty in the context of codependency. Loyalty is when we have a strong sense of commitment and support for someone or something, so it's all about being faithful and standing by the people or the organizations that we care about. In any relationship, loyalty should build trust. When we're loyal, we trust that the other person will honor and respect our commitments and they trust us in return. Being loyal means being consistent in our support, no matter what changes happen around us, so this helps us keep relationships stable and strong. Sometimes, loyalty is going to require us to make some sacrifices. We might put others needs before our own, stand by someone in tough times or invest our time and energy into something that we believe in. But ultimately, loyalty should benefit both sides. Loyalty, when it's healthy, should be reciprocal. While this involves giving, it should also mean that both parties support and care for each other. Loyalty can make our relationship stronger and deeper, creating a solid support system where we help each other during hard times. It brings stability, making our connections and communities feel secure and predictable. Loyalty is highly valued in a partner and in healthy relationships.
Speaker 1:There are many positive aspects to loyalty. In codependent relationships, loyalty can sometimes become a problem for us. We often show extreme loyalty because we feel it's our duty or because we're afraid of being abandoned. This puts us at risk of staying in unhealthy relationships for too long. And I'm not just talking about staying with the same unhealthy relationships for too long, and I'm not just talking about staying with the same internet provider for too long after the special promotion is over, but rather when we stay in relationships with a partner for too long when that loyalty is not being reciprocated, when more is being taken from us than what we're getting back, or when we are ready and willing to give more of ourselves without expecting anything in return, If the energy keeps coming out of our emotional cup and it doesn't get replenished, we're going to be in big trouble. By constantly putting others first, we end up neglecting ourselves and our health. And when we are extremely loyal and we are okay with that loyalty being one sided. So when we're constantly giving and we are okay with that loyalty being one-sided, so when we're constantly giving our loyalty without expecting anything in return, we're at risk of attracting partners who are going to take advantage of us. These partners can sense our willingness to put their needs above our own and may exploit our loyalty to get what they want. They might rely on us to fix their problems, support them financially or provide constant emotional support without giving anything back. Because we fear abandonment and want to feel needed. We might tolerate this unfair treatment, even when it hurts us. This pattern can lead to one-sided relationships where our needs are being ignored and we end up feeling drained and unappreciated. We end up in relationships with sponges who suck our energy, our time and our love. These are soul-sucking relationships.
Speaker 1:Our loyalty can also enable harmful behaviors in other people. When we protect them from the consequences of their actions, they don't get the chance to learn and grow. When we protect them from the consequences of their actions, they don't get the chance to learn and grow. Instead of letting them face the results of their mistakes, we step in and fix things for them. This might seem helpful at first, but it actually prevents them from taking responsibility and making any positive changes in their lives. Over time, this cycle of self-neglect and enabling can be damaging to us and it's damaging to the people that we care about. We become exhausted and resentful, while they remain stuck in all their harmful behaviors without any motivation to improve. So here are a few examples of some of these enabling behaviors Repeatedly covering for a partner who often misses work due to drinking, we call their boss and make excuses, and this is going to prevent them from facing any of their job consequences.
Speaker 1:As a result, the partner continues their harmful drinking habits without learning accountability or responsibility, and we're going to feel stressed and guilty for lying. When we consistently lend money to a friend who spends recklessly and never repays us, the impact of this is that our friend never learns to manage their financial responsibilities and we end up broke and unable to meet our own needs. Another example of enabling is when we always provide emotional support to a friend or family member who constantly gets into toxic relationships but never seeks any professional help. As a result, that person doesn't learn to make any healthier relationship choices or get professional help, and we feel emotionally drained and overwhelmed. We end up giving time and energy listening to their dramas without any hope of the situation getting better or that that pattern is going to keep repeating itself, which can be really frustrating. We take on all household chores or responsibilities because our spouse is too disorganized to contribute. Because of this, the spouse never learns to manage their time and their duties and we become exhausted and resentful from doing everything ourselves.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I think it's easier for me to just do things by myself, because teaching someone to do it takes time and energy and I think it just goes faster if I did it myself. But in truth this thinking is flawed because it focuses on short-term convenience rather than long-term benefits. I'm actually creating more work for myself in the future and it can cause us to make excuses for a friend's rude or harmful behavior towards others, saying they're just having a hard time. The friend is going to continue their bad behavior without any accountability. They're going to end up damaging their relationships and social interactions while we feel conflicted and stressed. It's tiring when we constantly feel the need to cover up someone else's bad behavior. I'm going to tell you a story about Jane and Tom. These are fictional characters and the story is completely made up, but I've created it to try and help us understand how blind loyalty can be harmful, and possibly some of this story might resonate with some of you.
Speaker 1:Jane grew up in a small town where her family life was far from ideal. Her father wasn't often around and her mother, she, struggled with depression, and this left Jane, who was the eldest, to care for her two younger brothers and her sister. From a young age, she learned to be responsible and put other people's needs before her own. She craved stability and affection, but she rarely received it. She did well in school, hoping that her achievements would make her parents proud, but she often felt invisible. As she grew up, she developed a strong sense of loyalty and duty, and these were qualities that she believed were essential for keeping her family together. And despite her challenging childhood, she was optimistic and caring, always willing to help others. This nurturing behavior made her very popular amongst her friends, and they admired her strength and her dependability.
Speaker 1:So one day, Jane meets Tom at a social event and she's immediately drawn to his charm and confidence. He's everything that she's hoped for in a partner. He's outgoing, attentive and seemingly strong. He drank alcohol socially or at the end of a long day, but it didn't seem to be a cause for any kind of concern. He showered her with attention and made her feel special, which is something that she had longed for her whole life. Tom's apparent need for her love and care and support resonated with Jane's innate desire to nurture and be needed Tom. On the other hand, he was attracted to Jane's unwavering loyalty and nurturing personality. He saw in her someone who would always stand by him, no matter what. He saw in her someone who would always stand by him no matter what. She was caring and her caring nature made him feel valued and important, and he liked the way that she took care of him, both emotionally and practically. Tom had his own issues, however, and he was insecure and had low self-worth. He did find comfort in Jane's constant support and devotion. As the relationship progressed, Jane continued to prioritize Tom's needs and often ignored her own. She believed that with enough love and care that she could help him overcome any of his struggles and Tom recognizing her deep sense of loyalty, began to rely on her more and more, knowing that she would always be there to pick up the pieces. So as Tom started to drink more and more, Jane's role slowly shifted from partner to caretaker. Her loyalty, which initially seemed like a strength, became a way for Tom to avoid facing any consequences of his actions. Jane, who was driven by her fear of abandonment and a belief that she could save Tom, stayed by his side even as her own well-being was starting to deteriorate.
Speaker 1:At this point she's facing many challenges and complex emotions. She's feeling anxiety. She constantly worries about Tom's behavior and his safety. She's nervous about what might happen when he drinks too much. Is he going to get into a fight? Is he going to drink and drive? About what might happen when he drinks too much? Is he going to get into a fight? Is he going to drink and drive, fall and hurt himself? When he's drunk, throw up and possibly choke in his sleep Shame. She's feeling embarrassed about Tom's drinking and tries to hide it from friends, family, neighbors, fearing judgment and gossip.
Speaker 1:Social withdrawal Jane gradually stops attending social events because she's either dealing with Tom or afraid of how he might behave in public. Loneliness she feels alone, unable to share her struggles with others due to the stigma of alcoholism, and starts to distance herself from any of her support networks. Exhaustion she loses sleep, staying up to manage Tom's behavior, waiting for him to come home safely or make sure that nothing happens to him while he's sleeping, Neglecting self-care. She spends too much time caring for Tom that she neglects her own health. She's skipping meals and ignoring her own medical needs. Money worries His drinking habits have been draining their finances. Alcohol is expensive and he doesn't have any sick leave left. This leads to unpaid bills and financial instability. She might also worry about the cost of potential medical treatments for his addiction.
Speaker 1:Verbal aggression when drunk Tom might become verbally abusive. Verbal aggression when drunk tom might become verbally abusive, making her feel belittled or worthless, and her efforts to keep him safe feel unappreciated. Fear she lives in constant fear for his unpredictable moods and his actions. She's walking on eggshells just to avoid conflict. Blind loyalty jane covers for tom's mistakes, calling in sick for him at work and making excuses for his behavior, which enables his addiction to continue. Sacrificing happiness she puts Tom's needs above her own, believing she can fix him, but this only leads to more stress and unhappiness for her.
Speaker 1:So, whether consciously or not, Tom is taking advantage of her deep sense of responsibility and commitment. He has started exploiting her loyalty and her caring nature. He's become manipulative as well, and some of these tactics can include making her feel guilty for ever questioning his drinking or considering leaving him. He might suggest that she's the only one who can help him. He might repeatedly promise to quit drinking or to get help and only breaks those promises. And these promises are keeping Jane hopeful and invested in the relationship. He might express love and dependence on her to make her feel indispensable and responsible for his well-being.
Speaker 1:Friends and family who see their relationship might think that her behavior is ridiculous and maybe hard to understand. They're going to wonder why she stays with him despite his drinking problem and the toll that it takes on her. To them it seems clear that she should leave and set boundaries. But Jane doesn't see it this way. She has a deep sense of loyalty which has been shaped by her past, and it makes it hard for her to leave. She believes her love can help Tom change and she feels responsible for him. Her fear of abandonment and need to feel needed keep her trapped in her relationship. Her perspective is clouded by her emotional investment and her belief that leaving Tom would mean failing him. She might not recognize how much she's sacrificing her own happiness and health because she's so focused on helping him. This blind loyalty is a powerful force that overrides her ability to see the relationship's damage to both of them. To Jane, her actions feel justified and necessary, and this is rooted in a desire to be a good partner and to fulfill her perceived duty. It's a pattern that's hard to break, especially when your self-worth is tied to being needed and helpful. Outsiders might see the solution as being simple, but for her it's a complex mix of emotions and fears and deeply ingrained beliefs that make it hard for her to see the reality of her situation. Her emotional investment and belief in her duty they make her blind to the harm that it's causing her. The dynamics of their relationship would change significantly if physical violence was a part of their relationship. It would introduce additional layers of fear, control and danger.
Speaker 1:For Jane, Her loyalty to Tom is going to deepen despite the escalating violence. She convinces herself that if she can just do everything right, he won't get angry, and she potentially believes that she's the one who must save him, thinking her love and support could eventually change him. When Tom shows remorse after a particularly violent fight and he promises to change, her hope is rekindled again and she stays believing that her loyalty is going to eventually lead to his recovery. She might isolate herself from friends and family, fearing their judgment and hoping to shield him from the consequences of his actions. Her sense of self-worth is also going to diminish and she's going to become more entrenched in the belief that her duty is to support Tom, no matter the cost of her own well-being.
Speaker 1:Her loyalty could be driven more by fear than by genuine devotion. Her loyalty becomes a survival tactic, where maintaining the status quo seems safer than risking the unknown consequences of trying to leave or to seek help. She might feel guilty, believing that she's somehow responsible for the violence. So her loyalty could stem from a misguided sense of needing to fix herself or change her behavior to prevent future abuse. The abuse could lead her to doubt her perceptions and her judgment, and this might make her feel more loyal because she might question her own worth and her own sanity, and the continuous abuse can erode her self-esteem, making her feel unworthy of any better treatments and more loyal to Tom as she doubts her ability to survive independently in the future. So in this scenario, her loyalty becomes more about survival, fear and a distorted sense of responsibility.
Speaker 1:Loyalty is a valued attribute in a partner that can build trust and strengthens relationships, but in unhealthy situations, loyalty can become harmful and problematic. So when we stay loyal to someone who mistreats us or takes advantage of our support, it can lead to self-neglect and enable destructive behaviors Instead of fostering positive connections. This misguided loyalty traps us in damaging cycles. It's like staying on a sinking ship and no matter how hard you work to bail out the water, it just keeps coming in. You end up spending all of your time and energy just trying to stay afloat instead of enjoying the journey and, in the worst case scenario, you end up going down with a ship and drowning. So recognizing that the ship is leaking and seeking help is the first critical step. You need to acknowledge that your efforts alone can't save that ship. So reaching out for support is like finding a patching kit or a lifeboat, and it can help you escape the immediate problem and guide you to a place where you can recover and rebuild. Understanding that you deserve to sail smoothly or escape to solid ground is also important. Seeking help from friends, family or professionals can help provide the tools and the perspective that you need to prepare the situation to move forward, so this way you can enjoy a smoother and more rewarding journey and build healthier relationships.
Speaker 1:So here are some self-reflection exercises for you this week, if you are wanting to do some journal work. Write down your physical, emotional and mental health needs. How often do you prioritize these needs? Reflect about your fears of being alone or abandoned. How do these fears influence your relationships? List the people that you feel loyal to. Do you feel that these relationships are balanced and healthy? Why, or why not? Write about times when you helped someone avoid the consequences of their actions. How did this affect you and how did this affect them? Describe what a healthy, balanced relationship looks like to you. Is there a relationship that you would describe as unbalanced? How does it make you feel and what do you think you could do to make it more balanced? Write about your personal goals and dreams. What can you do to achieve these goals without compromising your well-being? I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be spacing out my episodes for the next two to three months because I'm moving and I'm going to be doing some renovating. I'm excited about it, but it's messy and time consuming. I'm going to space them out and I'll be doing episodes every two weeks. I'm going to meet you here in two weeks for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'm going to talk to you about improving your self-esteem. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital called 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.