Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Transforming Relationships by Building Self-Esteem
Discover how self-esteem plays a pivotal role in shaping our lives. This week's episode of the Codependent Doctor with Dr. Angela Downey uncovers the profound impact of personal experiences, societal messages, and our upbringing on our self-esteem. We examine the roots of low self-esteem and codependency, shedding light on how childhood experiences can lead to an overreliance on external validation and a deep-seated fear of rejection.
Explore the transformative power of self-acceptance, self-responsibility, and self-assertiveness as we navigate the path to personal growth and improving your self esteem. Dr. Downey passionately discusses the importance of embracing our true selves and confidently expressing our needs and values.
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Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 16th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, and I'm codependent. Today's episode will focus on how to improve your self-esteem. If you have a moment, it would be helpful if you could like and subscribe to the podcast or leave a comment so it will be easier for others who might benefit to find me. Don't forget to follow me so you don't miss any future episodes. I'd also like to encourage you to send me questions that you would like to have addressed on the show. All these links can be found in the show notes below or by visiting my website at wwwthecodependentdoctorcom. I really appreciate the emails that I've received to date and I'm excited to use some of your suggestions in future episodes. So today we're talking about improving your self-esteem.
Speaker 1:Self-esteem is about how we perceive and value ourselves. It's not about who we are or what we have, but more about how we feel about those aspects about ourselves. It's like an inner voice that tells us whether we're good enough, capable and deserving of happiness. When we have high self-esteem, we generally feel good about ourselves, confident in our abilities and comfortable with who we are. We believe we're worthy of love and respect. On the other hand, low self-esteem can make us doubt ourselves and our worth. We might feel inadequate, unlovable or like we're not good enough. This can affect how we handle life's challenges and how we relate to others.
Speaker 1:The sociometer theory of self-esteem, which was proposed by psychologist Mark Leary, is an idea that self-esteem works like a social thermometer or a gauge. It helps us measure how much we feel accepted and valued by others. According to this theory, our self-esteem isn't just about how we see ourselves on our own. It's closely tied to how we think others see us. Think of it this way Humans are social beings and being part of a group has always been important for our survival and well-being. So when we feel that others like us or think highly of us, our self-esteem goes up. But if we feel rejected or think people don't like us, our self-esteem is going to drop. This drop acts like a warning signal. It tells us that we might need to change something, to fit in better or to improve our relationships.
Speaker 1:Self-esteem is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. It's how you see yourself in the mirror, and the image reflected back to us is shaped by what we go through, how people treat us and the messages that we get from the world around us. Our personal experiences matter a lot. When we do well at something, like winning a game or doing well on a test, it's going to make us feel good about ourselves. But if we have a lot of tough times or fail at something, it can make us doubt ourselves and feel less confident. Self-esteem is also affected by how others treat us. If we have a supportive family, friends who encourage us and believe in us, it helps us feel valued and loved. But if people are critical, mean or dismissive, it can make us feel like we're not good enough. The way people around us behave can have a big impact on how we see ourselves. Lastly, the messages we get from society plays a big role. Think about the things that we see in the movies or TV shows or social media. They often show perfect lives, appearances or success stories. It's easy to compare ourselves to these images and feel like we don't measure up. Plus, society sometimes has specific ideas about how we should look, act or live, based on things like gender or race, and these can influence our self-esteem as well.
Speaker 1:Events from childhood can play a big role in developing low self-esteem and, as a consequence, it can create codependent tendencies. Here are a few examples of different codependent tendencies and how some of these may have come about due to things that we experienced as children. One dependence on external validation. People with low self-esteem often look for validation from others because they lack an internal sense of worth. In codependent relationships, this can manifest as one partner constantly seeking approval or praise from the other. This external validation becomes a key source of their self-esteem. This dependence on external validation can stem from early experiences where a person did not receive adequate emotional support or affirmation from parents or caregivers. So if a child grows up feeling that their worth is conditional it's based on meeting certain standards or expectations or criteria they might continue to seek validation from others when they're adults.
Speaker 1:Fear of rejection Low self-esteem often includes a fear of being rejected or abandoned. In codependent relationships, people may go to great lengths to avoid conflict or rejection, even at the cost of their own well-being. This fear can prevent them from setting boundaries or voicing their true feelings, leading to an unhealthy relationship dynamic. This fear can originate from experiences of neglect, abandonment or inconsistent affection during childhood. If someone has been repeatedly made to feel unworthy or unloved, they may carry that fear into adult relationships, constantly worrying that they're not good enough to keep someone's affection.
Speaker 1:Over-identification with others Codependents often derive their sense of identity and self-worth from being needed by others. They might over-identify with their partner's needs and emotions, neglecting their own, and this leads them to prioritize others' needs over their own, sometimes losing touch with their desires and their feelings. This can develop in environments where a person was rewarded for being overly accommodating or helpful, perhaps in a family where they had to take on a caregiver role at a young age, and the belief that their worth is tied to their usefulness to others can persist into adulthood. Difficulty in self-assertion People with low self-esteem often struggle with asserting themselves In a codependent relationship. This difficulty can manifest as an inability to say no or to communicate their own needs and boundaries. This imbalance can lead to one person consistently giving more than they receive. This can arise from a background where expressing your needs was discouraged or met with negative consequences. Children who are punished or ignored for asserting themselves might learn to suppress their own needs and they believe that they're not important or that their feelings are less valid than others.
Speaker 1:Lack of self-identity In codependent relationships a person might rely heavily on the relationship for their sense of identity and purpose. This lack of self-identity can indicate low self-esteem, as that person might not feel confident or complete without the relationship. This can happen if a person grew up in an environment where they weren't encouraged to develop their interests, hobbies or opinions or opinions. Overly controlling or critical environments can stifle a person's sense of individuality, leading them to seek their identity and validation solely through relationships with others. The way we feel about ourselves isn't static. It can change throughout our lives. Our sense of self-worth, whether we believe we deserve good things and how confident we are in speaking up for ourselves can all vary with time. This happens because our environments, the people that we meet and our experiences are constantly changing. For example, a supportive friend or a positive work environment can boost our self-esteem, while difficult situations or negative feedback can lower it.
Speaker 1:The best part is that self-esteem isn't set in stone. No matter what stage of life you're in, you can always take steps to build and improve your self-esteem, whether through positive affirmations, setting and achieving goals or seeking supportive relationships. How can you improve your self-esteem? You might ask the six pillars of self-esteem. Nathaniel Brandon, a psychologist and author, has outlined the steps to improving your self-esteem. You might ask the six pillars of self-esteem. Nathaniel Brandon, a psychologist and author, has outlined the steps to improving your self-esteem in his book the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. This book has been around for 30 years, but the contents are as relevant today as they were back then. Brandon suggests that the most disastrous relationships are between those that think poorly of themselves. There is no greater barrier to romantic happiness than the fear that I am undeserving of love, that my destiny is to be hurt. Such fears lead to self-fulfilling prophecies, end quote. Improving your self-esteem is something everyone can work on, and while it can be challenging, it's definitely worth the effort.
Speaker 1:Nathaniel Brandon talks about the six pillars of self-esteem, which are practices that can help boost how we feel about ourselves. We don't need to do all six pillars perfectly to start seeing a difference. Even small steps can make a big impact. So if you work on just a few of these areas and improve your situation by even 10%, you'll already be ahead and from there you can keep building on that progress. It's about making gradual changes and being patient with yourself as you grow. My recommendation would be to jot down some of these examples and pick one or two of them to work on over the next month. Once those become a habit, you can pick one or two more to work on over the next month. Once those become a habit, you can pick one or two more to work on over the following month. Small steps are all you'll need to start feeling better. The six pillars of self-esteem are fundamental practices that he believed were essential for fostering and maintaining healthy self-esteem. Here they are One the practice of living consciously.
Speaker 1:The practice of living consciously is all about being fully present and aware in your everyday life. It means paying attention to what's happening around you as well as what's going on inside your mind and your heart. This includes your thoughts, actions and feelings. Instead of going through the motions on autopilot, you're actively engaging with your experiences and making thoughtful choices. Living consciously also involves taking responsibility for your awareness. This means acknowledging your thoughts and feelings, understanding why you have them and recognizing how they influence your behavior. It's about being honest with yourself and not ignoring or avoiding what's really happening, whether it's in your relationships, work or personal life. By practicing this awareness, you can make better decisions, respond more thoughtfully to situations and live a more intentional and fulfilling life. Examples would include mindful eating Instead of rushing through meals or eating while distracted. Instead of rushing through meals or eating while distracted, you take time to really taste your food and enjoy each bite. You pay attention to your hunger and fullness signals, making conscious choices about what and how much you eat. When you're having a conversation, you fully focus on the person speaking, without planning your response. While they're talking, you listen to understand, not just to reply, which helps you connect more deeply with others and respond thoughtfully.
Speaker 1:Reflective decision making Before making decisions, big or small, you take a moment to consider your values, feelings and the potential consequences. As an example, if you're thinking about taking a new job, you weigh how it aligns with your career goals and personal life balance rather than just jumping at the first opportunity. Emotional awareness you pay attention to your emotions as they arise, without immediately reacting or suppressing them. So if you feel upset or angry, you acknowledge those feelings and explore what's causing them, instead of ignoring them or acting out impulsively. Purposeful time management you plan your day with intention, prioritizing activities that align with your goals and values. This might mean setting aside time for exercise, hobbies or spending quality time with your loved ones, rather than letting your day be dictated by external demands or distractions. Self-reflection Regularly taking time to reflect on your actions, thoughts and feelings can help you understand yourself better. This might involve journaling, meditation or simply sitting quietly to think about your day and how you respond to various situations.
Speaker 1:Number two the practice of self-acceptance. Number two the practice of self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is about embracing who you are, just as you are, without trying to deny or reject any part of yourself. It means recognizing and accepting your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, even when they aren't perfect or ideal. Instead of beating yourself up for having negative thoughts or making a mistake, you acknowledge it and understand that it's part of being human. Self-acceptance doesn't mean you stop thriving or improve or grow. It simply means that you start from a place of kindness and understanding towards yourself. By accepting all parts of yourself, including the ones you're not proud of. You can work on making positive changes without being harsh or critical. This practice helps you build a more compassionate relationship with yourself, where you're not constantly judging or criticizing, but rather supporting and encouraging your own growth and well-being. If you make a mistake at work or in a personal situation, instead of harshly criticizing yourself, you acknowledge the mistake and recognize it as a learning opportunity. You might think I didn't handle that perfectly, but it's okay. I can learn from this and do better next time.
Speaker 1:When you feel sad, angry or anxious, you don't try and push those feelings away or pretend they don't exist. Instead, you acknowledge them by saying I'm feeling really anxious right now, and that's okay. It's part of how I process stress. You allow yourself to feel without judgment about a particular trait or habit, like being shy or having a tendency to procrastinate. Self-acceptance means acknowledging these traits without shame. You might tell yourself it's okay that I'm shy in large groups, it's just part of who I am and I can still connect with people in my own way. Accepting your body as it is, without constantly comparing it to others or societal standards, is another form of self-acceptance. For example, instead of criticizing your appearance, you appreciate your body for what it can do like being strong or capable, and treat it with kindness. If you tend to set extremely high standards for yourself, self-acceptance involves recognizing that it's okay not to be perfect, so you might accept that it's okay to submit a project that's good enough rather than perfect, acknowledging that doing your best is what truly matters. If you've made a poor decision in the past, practicing self-acceptance means forgiving yourself for that decision. You understand that everyone makes mistakes and that those mistakes don't define your entire character. You can think I made a bad choice, but I've learned from it and I can move forward with more wisdom.
Speaker 1:Three the practice of self-responsibility. The practice of self-responsibility is about understanding that you're in charge of your own life, including your choices and actions. It's recognizing that, while we can't control everything that happens to us, we do have control over how we respond to situations. This practice means taking ownership of your decisions and understanding that your actions have consequences. It's also about not blaming others for your problems or expecting them to solve them for you. This practice empowers you to take charge of your life and make positive changes, rather than feeling helpless or waiting for others to make things better for you. No one is coming to save you or coming to solve your problems. If you don't do something different, nothing is going to get better. I know this sounds harsh, but you need to take your power back and do what you need to do to improve your situation. If you're feeling overwhelmed or stressed, instead of blaming external factors like work or family, you take responsibility for finding ways to manage that stress. This can involve setting boundaries, practicing relaxation techniques or seeking professional help if needed.
Speaker 1:In relationships, whether with a partner, friend or family member, self-responsibility means acknowledging your part in any issues that arise. For example, if there's a conflict, instead of pointing fingers, you reflect on your own actions and consider how you can contribute to a resolution. Your own actions and consider how you can contribute to a resolution, like communicating more openly or being more supportive. If you want to improve your physical health, self-responsibility involves taking proactive steps rather than waiting for a health issue to force you into action. This might include eating healthier, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep and avoiding harmful habits like smoking or excessive drinking. If you're feeling unfulfilled or stuck, self-responsibility means taking initiative to explore new interests, learn new skills or set personal goals. Whether it's taking a course, reading a book or finding a new hobby, you're actively seeking ways to grow and improve. Managing your finances responsibly is another key aspect If you're struggling with debt or poor spending habits. Self-responsibility involves creating a budget, setting financial goals and seeking financial advice if necessary. It's about making conscious decisions that support your long-term financial well-being.
Speaker 1:Taking responsibility for your emotional help means recognizing when you're feeling down or anxious and taking steps to address it. This can involve talking to a friend, practicing mindfulness or seeking therapy. It's about acknowledging your emotions and doing what you can to support your mental well-being. Self-responsibility for someone struggling with a history of sexual or physical abuse can be challenging, but it can also be empowering. You may not have had control over what happened to you in the past, but you can decide to focus on what you can control now. You can choose to seek therapy to understand and process your emotions. You can join a support group to connect with others who've had similar experiences, finding strength in shared stories, and to feel less isolated or alone in your pain. You can set small, achievable goals, like practicing self-care or picking up a new hobby to build confidence and a sense of accomplishment. You can learn to set healthy boundaries in relationships, ensuring that you're surrounded by supportive and respectful people.
Speaker 1:Four the practice of self-assertiveness. This is about recognizing and respecting our own wants, needs and values, and being confident enough to express them. It's about standing up for yourself in a respectful and appropriate way. By being assertive, you communicate that your feelings and needs are important and you respect yourself enough to protect them. This not only helps you feel more in control of your life, but also teaches others how to treat you. Self-assertiveness is a key part of building healthy relationships and maintaining your own well-being.
Speaker 1:If a friend invites you to an event but you're already feeling overwhelmed with another commitment, self-assertiveness means being honest and saying no, I can't make it this time. I need some time to relax and recharge. This shows that you respect your own limits and prioritize your well-being. During a meeting at work, if you have a different opinion than the rest of the team, self-assertiveness means confidently sharing your thoughts, even if they're not going to be popular. You might say I see where you're coming from, but I think that we should also consider another approach, because dot, dot, dot. This helps you contribute to the discussion and shows that your perspective matters.
Speaker 1:If you feel that your workload is too heavy, self-assertiveness involves talking to your boss about it. You could say I've noticed that my current workload is challenging to manage. Could we discuss possible solutions or prioritize my tasks? This approach communicates your needs clearly and opens up a constructive dialogue. If someone frequently calls you late at night when you need to be resting, being self-assertive means setting a boundary. You might say I need to get a good night's sleep, so please don't call after 10 pm unless it's an emergency. This sets a clear expectation and protects your personal time. If someone offers you something you're not comfortable with, like a drink at a party when you don't drink alcohol, self-assertiveness means politely declining. You could say no thanks, I don't drink, but I'd love a soda if you have one. This respects your values and preferences. If you're in a group conversation and someone makes a comment that goes against your values or is offensive, self-assertiveness means addressing it calmly. You might say I feel uncomfortable with that comment. I think it's important to respect everyone, regardless of dot, dot, dot. This shows that you stand by your principles.
Speaker 1:Five the practice of living purposefully. The practice of living purposefully is all about setting meaningful goals and living your life with intention. It means being clear about what you want to achieve and taking deliberate steps to get there Instead of drifting through life or reacting to whatever comes your way, you make conscious choices that align with your values and long-term goals. It's about being proactive rather than passive, taking control of your actions and directing your energy towards what matters most to you. This practice helps you stay focused and motivated, and it can give your life a greater sense of direction and satisfaction. Living purposely isn't just about big goals either. It can also be about small everyday choices that you make, like choosing to spend time with loved ones, learning new skills or pursuing hobbies that bring you joy. By consistently making choices that reflect your values and goals, you create a more fulfilling and meaningful life.
Speaker 1:If your goal is to advance in your career, living purposefully might involve setting specific steps, like furthering your education, gaining new skills or seeking mentorship. You might decide to take a course to improve your qualifications or set up regular meetings with a mentor to guide your career path. To achieve financial stability, you might set a goal to save a certain amount of money each month or pay off debt. Living purposefully in this context means creating a budget, tracking your spending and making decisions that align with your financial goals, like cutting unnecessary expenses or finding ways to increase your income. If you want to grow as a person, you could set goals to read more books, learn a new skill or practice mindfulness. You might decide to read one book a month or spend 10 minutes each day meditating to reduce stress and increase your focus, if having strong, meaningful relationships is important to you. Living purposefully could involve taking time to connect with friends and family. This might mean scheduling regular phone calls, planning activities together or simply being more present and attentive when you're with others. If you value giving back to your community, you might set a goal to volunteer regularly or support local initiatives. Living purposefully in this area could mean dedicating a few hours each month to a cause you care about or finding ways to contribute to your community projects and also studies have shown that volunteering is a great way to improve your self-esteem, so go for it.
Speaker 1:Six the practice of personal integrity. The practice of personal integrity is all about being true to yourself and living according to your values and beliefs. It means being honest, not just with others, but with yourself. This practice involves making sure that your actions match what you believe and value. Living with personal integrity isn't just about big decisions. It also includes the small everyday choices that you make like not gossiping or standing up for what's right, even when it's not the popular choice. By living in alignment with your values, you build trust with others and, more importantly, with yourself. It helps you feel good about who you are and how you live your life, because you know you're being authentic and consistent. This consistency between your values and actions not only strengthens your self-esteem, but also contributes to a sense of inner peace and satisfaction.
Speaker 1:If honesty is a core value for you, practicing personal integrity means being truthful in your communications. For example, if a friend asks for your opinion and you know the truth might be uncomfortable, you still share your honest thoughts, but in a kind and considerate way. If you promise to help a colleague with a project, personal integrity means following through, even if it becomes inconvenient. By keeping your word, you demonstrate reliability and build trust with others. If you believe in fairness and you witness someone being treated unfairly, practicing personal integrity might mean speaking up, even if it's difficult. For example, if a co-worker is being unfairly criticized, you might step in and offer support, highlighting their positive contributions. Practicing personal integrity also means being honest with yourself. If you make a mistake, you own up to it rather than hiding it or blaming others. For example, if you miss a deadline at work, you acknowledge your oversight, apologize and take steps to prevent it from happening again. If someone confides in you and you value trust and confidentiality, personal integrity means keeping that information private, even if you're tempted to share it. This respects the trust that that person placed in you and aligns with your principles of honesty and discretion.
Speaker 1:Working on your self-esteem is like strengthening the roots of a tree. When the roots are strong and healthy, the tree can grow tall and withstand big storms. The same goes. When we focus on building our self-esteem, we create a solid foundation for ourselves. This strong foundation helps us stand tall and face life, life challenges with confidence. Just like the tree with strong roots is going to help support the branches and leaves, a healthy self-esteem supports our relationships. It allows us to connect with others in a more positive and meaningful way, creating stronger and healthier bonds. By nurturing our self-esteem, we ensure that we can grow and thrive, both individually and in our relationships. Here are some self-reflection exercises for the week, if you would like to do some journal work.
Speaker 1:How do I feel about myself most of the time? Do I think positively or negatively? What are the things I often criticize myself for. When someone compliments me, how do I react? Do I believe them? Do I doubt them? How do I handle mistakes or failures? Do I learn from them or beat myself up? How aware am I of my thoughts, feelings and actions? What can I do to be more mindful each day? What are my strengths and positive qualities? Can I write down at least five things that I like about myself? What areas of my life do I want to improve? What small steps can I take to make a positive change? How often do I express my true thoughts and feelings? Are there situations where I hold them back? Why? What are my short-term and long-term goals? How can I create a plan to achieve them? Do my actions match my values and beliefs? Are there areas where I can be more true to myself?
Speaker 1:I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to meet you here in two weeks for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'm going to talk about perfectionism. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.