Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Breaking Free from Perfectionism: The power of being good enough
What if striving for perfection is actually sabotaging your happiness? Join me, Dr. Angela Downey, as I uncover the intricate web between codependency and perfectionism in this enlightening episode of the Codependent Doctor. I lay bare my own battles with perfectionism, from obsessively preparing for a simple board game to the eventual burnout from seeking constant external validation. Learn how the need to be positively seen by others can lead to sacrificing one's own well-being and discover the critical role of self-acceptance in breaking free from this relentless cycle.
Moving forward, we delve into the severe impacts of perfectionism on mental and physical health, creativity, and relationships. Drawing inspiration from Brene Brown, I share how embracing imperfection and adopting a mindset of being "good enough" can liberate us from the shackles of unattainable standards.
Subscribe to my newsletter for more information on when my new workbook, Enough As I Am, will be available on Amazon.
If you're interested in a list of books that I recommend to help you on your journey you can request it by clicking on the link in my show notes.
📘 Download my suggested reading list of codependency books Here
📰 Sign up for my newsletter Here
❤️ Are you codependent? Take a Codependency Quiz, https://thecodependentdoctor.com/quiz/
✨Please contact me for any questions, comments or ideas for future episodes at codependentdoctor@gmail.com
📺 YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@thecodependentdoctor
👀 Website: www.thecodependentdoctor.com
☀️ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drangeladowney/
🍒Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61558437886042
🎵 Music: Touching the Air by Graceful Movement - https://www.premiumbeat.com/
Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 17th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. Today's episode will focus on perfectionism. Just a heads up that in the following episode I'm going to be answering some of the listener questions. Please feel free to email any questions at codependentdoctor at gmailcom and I'll try to answer them. So that's codependentdoctor at gmail dot com. If I can't get them all in the next episode, I will be hosting other question and answer podcasts in the future.
Speaker 1:Today's podcast is about perfectionism. I'm a perfectionist. Being a perfectionist doesn't mean that I'm perfect. It means I feel a strong need to do things perfectly so that others are more likely to approve of me. I strive for flawlessness because I believe that if I can achieve it, I'll be viewed more positively by those around me. This desire to meet high standards is partly because I don't like to show weakness in front of others. I'm scared to fail in front of others. By trying to do things perfectly, I hope to avoid criticism and gain acceptance. It's a way of protecting myself, but it can also be exhausting, because I'm constantly pushing myself to be better and to hide my mistakes or imperfections.
Speaker 1:In codependency, a person often seeks approval and validation from others, sometimes at the expense of their own needs and well-being. Perfectionism fits into this, because it's driven by a desire to be seen in a positive light by others. A person who is both codependent and perfectionist may feel that they need to be perfect or viewed as perfect in order to be loved, accepted or valued by those around them. They might believe that if they can do everything perfectly, they can avoid criticism, rejection or disappointment. This constant need to please others and avoid mistakes is a way of trying to maintain control in relationships, but it can lead to stress, anxiety and loss of self-identity. In this way, perfectionism and codependency are closely linked, as both involve placing too much importance on others' opinions and not enough on your own self-acceptance.
Speaker 1:As a family doctor, I've gone to school for many, many years. I originally worked in the accounting field doing risk management before going into medicine, so for 14 years I worked really, really, really hard and was hard on myself. I demanded that I would get straight A's all the time. During that time, I had also started a small telecommunications business that I ran out of my home, and I was also the landlord of a rental property. To say I worked hard is an understatement. Working is all I did. To say I worked hard is an understatement. Working is all I did. I also had children and aimed to be the best mother out there. I took the concept of being superwoman, super mom, to a whole new level. I told myself that this was all part of bettering myself and striving towards excellence.
Speaker 1:Looking back, though, I can see that my actions were driven by codependency. I relied heavily on external validation to feel good about myself. I thrived on hearing from others when they said that I was a great student, a successful businesswoman or a good mother. Instead of feeling confident in my own accomplishments, I depended on others to confirm my worth. I took on so many roles, student in on others to confirm my worth. I took on so many roles student, business owner, landlord and mother all at once because I felt like I needed to meet everyone's expectations. I pushed myself to the limit to avoid disappointing others and to maintain a certain image. This mindset of constantly striving for perfection led to burnout and stress, because I was constantly trying to live up to what I thought others expected of me. My worth was tied to how well I met those expectations, and that was exhausting and unhealthy. I can now see how this need for approval and overextending myself were signs of codependency, and I'm still actively working to change that mindset.
Speaker 1:I remember being introduced to the board game Settlers of Catan. I don't know if you've heard of it or not, but it's a game where you use strategy to build settlements by earning resources. I could tell right off the bat that I was going to love this game, but I lost the first few games because I wasn't sure of the strategies that were needed to win. After that first night of playing, I downloaded the game on my phone and I would practice for hours at a time. The next time I played this game, I did extremely well and won most games. Some might see this as being competitive, but the truth is, losing those first games made me feel bad about myself, like it was a poor reflection of me and some kind of character flaw. I hated losing and didn't like that. My friends saw me fail. I was embarrassed to have lost, and this was in front of friends who already liked me and they couldn't care less who won or lost, as long as we were spending time together. Winning made me feel better about myself.
Speaker 1:Perfectionism and striving to be your best are often confused, but they're quite different. Striving to be your best is about setting goals and working hard to achieve them, while also recognizing that mistakes and setbacks are part of the learning process. It's a healthy approach that focuses on growth, improvement and self-acceptance. When you strive to be your best, you allow yourself room to make mistakes, learn from them and to keep moving forward. On the other hand, perfectionism is about trying to be flawless and never making mistakes. We perfectionists often set unrealistic standards for ourselves and are overly critical when we don't meet those standards. Instead of seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn, we might view them as failures or signs of personal inadequacy. This can lead to stress, anxiety and a fear of taking risks, which can actually hold us back from reaching our true potential. Striving to be your best is about aiming for excellence with a mindset that embraces growth, while perfectionism is an unhealthy drive for flawlessness that can limit our progress and well-being.
Speaker 1:If you've listened to my podcast before, you've probably noticed that I'm a big fan of Brene Brown. She describes herself as a shame researcher and she's also a fantastic speaker. You can hear some of her talks on YouTube, including a great TED talk that she did a few years ago. Many of her books describe shame as being the birthplace of perfectionism. This concept is discussed in her books the Gift of Imperfection and Atlas of the Heart.
Speaker 1:She explores how perfectionism is a coping mechanism that stems from a fear of shame and judgment, and that people often use perfectionism as a way to protect themselves from feeling inadequate or unworthy. Shame creates a deep fear of being seen as flawed or inadequate. When we feel shame, we internalize a belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with us, that we are not good enough just as we are. This fear of not being worthy or lovable can drive a person to strive for perfection as a way to protect ourselves from the pain of feeling exposed or judged. Perfectionism becomes a shield against this shame If everything is done perfectly, the thinking goes that there will be no reason for others to criticize, reject or judge. Perfectionists often believe that if we can achieve flawlessness, we can avoid the feelings of inadequacy that shame brings on. However, this pursuit of perfection is impossible, and the constant pressure to meet unattainable standards only deepens the sense of shame when those standards aren't met. This creates a vicious cycle the more we fear shame, the more we push ourselves to be perfect, and the more we inevitably fall short, the more ashamed we feel. This cycle reinforces our perfectionist mindset, making it difficult to break free.
Speaker 1:At its core, perfectionism is not just about wanting to do well. It's about trying to escape the deep-seated fear of being seen as unworthy or unlovable. Trying to be perfect can lead to several problems. Perfectionism can leave us feeling completely exhausted because we're constantly trying to meet standards that are impossible to achieve. When we're always pushing ourselves to be flawless in everything we do, it takes a serious toll on our body and mind. We might find ourselves working late into the night, going over details again and again, trying to make sure that there are no mistakes, going over details again and again trying to make sure that there are no mistakes. This constant pressure can wear us down, leading to physical and mental fatigue. Over time, this kind of stress can put us at risk of burnout, where we feel so drained that we can't keep going. It can also lead to anxiety, as we worry about not being good enough, and even depression, as the weight of never feeling like we measure up takes its toll on our emotional health.
Speaker 1:The pursuit of perfection might seem like a way to succeed, but in reality, it can leave us feeling overwhelmed and unhappy. Even if you put in countless hours and work tirelessly to make everything perfect, we still can't control how others will see our efforts. Everyone has their own opinions, and what one person thinks is amazing, another might not appreciate as much. Trying to meet everyone's expectations is impossible because people's views are different and often out of our control. No matter how hard we try, there will always be someone who sees things differently. This can make the pursuit of perfection frustrating and exhausting, because we're chasing approval that might not ever come. Instead of finding satisfaction in our hard work, we might end up feeling disappointed and drained. It's important to remember that we can only do our best and that we can't control how others will respond to it.
Speaker 1:The pursuit of perfection can be endlessly frustrating, because perfection does not exist. No matter how hard we try, there's always something that could be improved, which means we're never truly finished or never truly satisfied with our work. This constant chase can also stifle our creativity. When we're so focused on making everything perfect, we become afraid to take risks or try new things because we worry about making mistakes. But creativity thrives on exploration and taking chances. It's often in the process of experimenting, making mistakes and learning from them that the best ideas emerge. Perfectionism, however, discourages this kind of exploration because it makes us fearful of anything less than flawless. As a result, our creativity gets stifled and we might miss out on discovering something truly unique and innovative.
Speaker 1:We perfectionists often believe that making mistakes reflects badly on us, as if each mistake somehow makes us less worthy or capable, but this isn't true at all. Mistakes are a natural part of life and an essential part of learning and growth. Everyone makes mistakes, and they don't mean that you're defective or that you're a failure. Instead, they provide valuable lessons and opportunities to improve. By recognizing that perfectionism has flaws, such as this harsh self-judgment, we can start to let go of the unrealistic pressures we put on ourselves. This realization allows us to embrace a healthier and more balanced approach to life, where we can accept our imperfections and learn from them without feeling like we diminish our worth.
Speaker 1:Perfectionists often struggle with procrastination because we're so focused on doing everything perfectly. The fear of not getting something exactly right can be overwhelming, making it hard to even start a task. We might worry so much about making mistakes or not meeting our own high standards that we keep putting things off, waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect idea. But that moment rarely comes and, as a result, tasks can get delayed again and again. Sometimes this procrastination can become so severe that things don't get done at all. Instead of moving forward, we get stuck in a cycle of worry and delay, which can be frustrating and stressful. This is one of the ways perfectionism can actually hold us back, preventing us from achieving our goals and enjoying a sense of accomplishment.
Speaker 1:When I did the first episode of this podcast, I recorded it three times and still wasn't happy with it. I then listened to a podcast on perfectionism and decided that it was good enough to be launched. It was far from perfect and I felt like I should record a fourth episode, but I knew that I would never be happy with it and that I would need to settle on good enough if I ever wanted to move forward. So I posted it as it was. I needed to get started. I eventually did record a fourth version and posted it, but alas, I am still a work in progress. No judging here.
Speaker 1:Brene Brown refers to herself as a recovering perfectionist and an aspiring good enough-ist. I love that. Striving to be a good enough-ist has become words that I try to live by. Perfectionists often find it difficult to truly enjoy life because we are constantly focused on flaws and mistakes. Instead of being able to relax and appreciate the good moments, our mind is always busy thinking about what we could do better, what went wrong. This constant scrutiny can make it hard to feel content, even in situations that should be enjoyable. This relentless drive for perfection can cause us to overwork as we push ourselves to meet impossibly high standards. This overworking can lead to neglecting other important areas of life, such as relationships, hobbies and self-care. As a result, perfectionists not only miss out on the joy and satisfaction that come from living in the moment, but we also risk burning out and feeling disconnected from the things that truly matter.
Speaker 1:Perfectionism can also put a lot of strain on relationships because the high standards we perfectionists set for ourselves often extends to others as well. When we're always focused on doing everything perfectly, it's easy to expect the same level of perfection from the people around us. This can make others feel pressured like they have to meet those same high standards just to avoid disappointment or criticism. Over time, this pressure can make people feel frustrated or inadequate, as they can never do things right, no matter how hard they try. They might start to feel like they're always falling short or that their efforts are never good enough for us. This can lead to tension, resentment and distance in relationships, as others may feel they can't live up to our expectations. In the end, perfectionism can create barriers between people, making it harder to build and maintain healthy, supportive relationships.
Speaker 1:Perfectionists often struggle with taking criticism because we tend to see it as a reflection of our own inadequacy rather than constructive feedback. When someone points out our mistakes or suggests an improvement, a perfectionist might feel deeply hurt, as if it's not just our work being judged, but our entire worth as a person. Instead of viewing criticism as an opportunity to learn and grow, we might see it as proof that we're not good enough or that we failed in some way. This can lead to feelings of shame, frustration or even anger. Because of this, we perfectionists may become defensive or anxious when receiving feedback, making it harder for us to accept, help or make improvements. In reality, criticism is a normal part of life and a valuable tool for growth, but for perfectionists it can be like a personal attack which makes it challenging to move forward and improve.
Speaker 1:I can't stress this enough that being a perfectionist is different from thriving for excellence. Striving to be our best is internally driven, so what can I do to improve myself or my project? Whereas perfectionism is externally driven? It's essentially based on what are others going to think? So if you're a perfectionist, it's time to let go and stop hiding behind the idea of being flawless. Instead, focus on putting yourself out there flaws and all. Aim to be a good enough-ist, where being adequate and being your true self is more than enough.
Speaker 1:A few years ago, the idea of letting go of perfectionism would have terrified me. I probably would have had a panic attack and retreated into my shell, but if I hadn't faced that fear, I wouldn't have started this podcast, I wouldn't have had the courage to stand up to people who were causing me problems and I'd still be stuck as a people pleaser. I wouldn't have taken the time to get to know myself or enjoy life. I'm free to live the way I want to live. How do you become a good enoughist?
Speaker 1:Recovering from perfectionism and embracing the idea of being a good enoughist involves shifting your mindset and adopting healthier habits. Here's how you can start. Acknowledge the problem. The first step is recognizing that perfectionism is causing more harm than good. Understand that striving for perfection is unrealistic and that it's okay to be imperfect. Set realistic goals. Start setting more achievable and realistic goals for yourself. Instead of aiming for perfection, aim to do your best within a reasonable time frame. Focus on progress, not perfection. Embrace mistakes. Learn to view mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow rather than as failures. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and they don't define your worth.
Speaker 1:Someone challenged me to fail at least five times a month. At first, the idea terrified me, but it also gave me permission to fail and the courage to try new things. Because of this, I ended up experiencing far more success than I would have ever imagined. I still fail sometimes, but overall I've had more wins. The truth is, the more successful people are often the ones who have failed the most. They just learned from their mistakes and kept going.
Speaker 1:Practice self-compassion. Be kind to yourself when things don't go as planned, instead of harshly criticizing yourself. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness that you would a friend. You're welcome to re-listen to episode 8 of the Codependent Doctor that focuses on self-compassion. It's one of my favorite episodes, so you should go have a listen.
Speaker 1:Focus on the big picture Instead of getting caught up in the tiny details. Try to see the bigger picture. Ask yourself will this matter in a week, a month, or will it matter in a year? Often, the answer is no, which can help you. Let go of minor imperfections. Limit overthinking. Perfectionists tend to overthink every decision. Try to make decisions more quickly, trusting that good enough is often better than perfect.
Speaker 1:Celebrate your achievements. Take time to celebrate your successes, even if they're not perfect. Acknowledge the effort that you put in and the progress you've made, rather than focusing on what could have been better. Prioritize your self-care. Make time for activities that relax and recharge you. When you're less stressed, it's easier to accept that you don't need to be perfect to be valuable. Seek feedback positively. View feedback as a tool for improvement rather than as a judgment of your worth. Understand that constructive criticism can help you grow, not diminish you.
Speaker 1:Practice letting go. Start small by intentionally letting go of perfectionism in low-stakes situations. As an example, allow yourself to leave a project at 90% completion and observe that the world doesn't fall apart. Gradually, you can apply this mindset to more significant areas of your life. Surround yourself with supportive people. Spend time with people who accept you as you are rather than those who push you towards perfection. Positive understanding relationships can help reinforce the idea that being good enough is truly enough.
Speaker 1:Mindfulness and acceptance. Practice mindfulness to stay present and avoid getting caught up in perfectionist thoughts. Accept that you are a work in progress and that growth comes from embracing your imperfections. By gradually implementing these steps, you can move away from the stress and rigidity of perfectionism and towards a healthier, more balanced approach where good enough is more than enough. Try to imagine a world where you could be true to yourself and try new things without worrying about what others think. What would you attempt if you knew that you could not fail? Don't wait to have that assurance before you try something new. There's no guarantees that you won't fail, but if you don't try, you won't succeed either.
Speaker 1:I'm going to end the podcast with two passages from the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. The first passage is found in her book, but it comes from a speech made by Theodore Roosevelt, which is commonly referred to as the man in the Arena, speech which was delivered in 1910. By Theodore Roosevelt. It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs, who comes short again and again because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deeds, who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who never know victory nor defeat. From Brene Brown.
Speaker 1:When we spend our lives waiting until we're perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don't exist in human experience. We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be a new relationship, an important meeting, a creative process or a difficult family conversation with courage and the willingness to engage, rather than sitting on the sidelines or hurling judgment and advice. We must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. My advice to you all is to let go of worrying about what other people think and trying to be perfect. There is no such thing as being perfect. Aim to be a good enough-ist who courageously puts yourself out there without fear.
Speaker 1:Here are some self-reflection exercises for this week, if you would like to do some journal work. What are the benefits you think you gain from doing things perfectly? Are these benefits real or perceived? What do you believe will happen if you're not doing something perfectly? When did you first start feeling the need to be perfect? Can you identify specific moments or influences in your life? Were you trying to earn someone's love or approval? How do you feel when you make a mistake or fall short of your expectations? What thoughts go through your mind? How do you respond to negative feedback? Do you see that as an opportunity for improvement or do you become defensive? How does your need to be perfect affect your relationships with others? What would you attempt if you knew that you couldn't fail? What would happen if you allowed yourself to be good enough instead of perfect? How would your life change? How does striving for perfection impact your mental and physical health? What positive outcomes have come from your past failures? How have they helped you grow? I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself.
Speaker 1:I will meet you here in two weeks for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I will be going through some of my listener questions. Please feel free to email me any questions that you would like to have answered at codependentdoctor at gmailcom. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.