Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Listener questions: Caring for Adult Children, Coparenting Challenges With Your Ex and Challenges Going to Therapy
Join me, Dr. Angela Downey, as we unravel the emotional tug-of-war parents face, the financial challenges, and the heartache of trying to foster independence in adult children. This episode sheds light on the deep mental and physical toll caregiving can take, along with its ripple effects on relationships with family members and partners. It's a compassionate and insightful discussion aimed at providing support and perspective to parents navigating these complex dynamics.
In the second part of our episode, we navigate the turbulent waters of co-parenting after a toxic relationship, where managing triggers become daily battles. We explore the necessity of setting boundaries, the struggle of dealing with unresolved emotional wounds, and the importance of finding internal closure when external validation isn't forthcoming. Finally, we emphasize self-care and self-awareness, reminding you to prioritize your mental health and nurturing your relationship with yourself. Tune in for a heartfelt conversation that promises to guide you toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships and personal well-being.
Subscribe to my newsletter for more information on when my new workbook, Enough As I Am, will be available on Amazon.
If you're interested in a list of books that I recommend to help you on your journey you can request it by clicking on the link in my show notes.
📘 Download my suggested reading list of codependency books Here
📰 Sign up for my newsletter Here
❤️ Are you codependent? Take a Codependency Quiz, https://thecodependentdoctor.com/quiz/
✨Please contact me for any questions, comments or ideas for future episodes at codependentdoctor@gmail.com
📺 YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@thecodependentdoctor
👀 Website: www.thecodependentdoctor.com
☀️ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drangeladowney/
🍒Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61558437886042
🎵 Music: Touching the Air by Graceful Movement - https://www.premiumbeat.com/
Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 18th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. In today's episode, I will be answering listener questions. I will be addressing questions on codependency with adult children, triggers faced when co-parenting after divorce and going to therapy. It's really exciting to me that people are listening to the podcast and getting something from it. I appreciate your questions and would love to hear more from you. I can be reached at codependentdoctor at gmailcom. This first question is from Christine. Hi, dr Downey, I love your podcast and am getting a lot out of it.
Speaker 1:I'd like to suggest an episode about codependency with an adult child. I'm nearly 60 and my son is 27, is autistic and has mental health problems. He's currently living in a shelter, as I won't take him back in again. I can't walk away from being a mother, but I'm struggling to redefine my role. I think a lot of parents of children with disabilities get sucked into codependency as we try to save our kids, even when they aren't kids anymore. Thank you, christine. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.
Speaker 1:I can imagine how hard it must be to navigate your role as a mother, especially in such a challenging situation. It's completely natural to feel torn, especially when you want to help your son but also know that you can't keep enabling his behaviors. You're right. Many parents of children with disabilities, especially as they grow older, often find themselves struggling with codependency. We have this deep instinct to protect and save our kids even when they're adults, and it can be difficult to separate where our responsibilities end and their independence begins. It sounds like you're already doing the incredibly hard work of redefining your role, which can take a lot of strength. It's not about walking away from being a mother. It's about finding healthier boundaries that allow you both you and your son, to grow. It's a tough journey, but it's also an important one. So please know that you're not alone in this and many parents face similar struggles. I suspect that this topic will resonate with a lot of people Caring for an adult child, whether they have a disability, are still living with you because they are going to school or have financial hardships, or maybe because they just are really unmotivated.
Speaker 1:These can all bring a lot of challenges for a parent. The struggles are not just about practical care, but also emotional and mental challenges that can really take a toll. So I just wanted to explore some of these challenges. There is emotional strain and role confusion. One of the hardest things is letting go of the caregiver role. When your child was young, it made sense to care for them every day and make decisions for them. You've been advocating for them for years. But when they grow up, it's tough to change that role, even though it might be important for both you and your child's growth.
Speaker 1:It can feel like you're caught between wanting to help and knowing you need to step back. There's often a lot of guilt because you feel like you're not always involved. Your child might struggle more. There might be a financial burden, so money can become a big issue If your adult child depends on you financially or if they have disabilities that make it hard for them to work, the cost can really add up quickly, from everyday living expenses to medical bills. It can start to weigh on you, especially as you get older and you need to start thinking about your own financial future. There's likely a lack of personal space and independence. Having an adult child living at home can make it feel like you're losing your own space and freedom. You might have thought that as they got older you'd have more time to focus on yourself, but when they're still at home, that independence can be hard to find. It can feel like you're always on duty as a parent. I mean I look forward to the day when I can walk around the house in my underwear or go to the bathroom with the door open, but that's not likely going to happen if my son is 30 and still walking around the house.
Speaker 1:Helping your child become independent can be really difficult. It's hard to know how much to help and when to step back. You want them to stand on their own, but you also don't want to push them too hard, especially if they're struggling with disabilities or finances. It can feel like you're constantly walking this fine line, there might be mental and physical strain. Being a caregiver of an adult child can be exhausting both mentally and physically. Whether you're helping with everyday tasks, dealing with medical issues or just worrying about their future, it can wear you down. If your child isn't moving out because of money problems, the stress of watching them struggle and not knowing how to help can be overwhelming. It's hard to watch your child struggle, no matter how old they are. Watching a disabled adult child face the world's harsh realities from housing issues, financial issues to mental health challenge can be heartbreaking.
Speaker 1:At times Parents might feel helpless, torn between stepping in and letting their child learn from their experiences. This constant emotional roller coaster can lead to feelings of frustration, sadness and sometimes resentment, even though the love and care of the child still remains strong. Your relationship with others might also suffer. Siblings might feel left out or frustrated because so much of your attention is focused on the adult child at home. Your relationship with your partner might also be strained, especially if you don't always agree on how to handle things. Even friendships can be affected because it's hard to find time for social activities when you're always caring for your adult child.
Speaker 1:There might be a fear for the future. One of the biggest worries for parents is what will happen in the future. You might be constantly thinking about what will happen when you're not there to care for your child anymore. Who will look after them when you're older and no longer around? This fear can create a lot of anxiety, especially if you haven't found a long-term plan for their care. It's also really hard for parents to set boundaries with their adult child. You want to help, but without clear limits you can end up giving too much. This can make you feel frustrated or resentful, because it feels like all the effort is one-sided and your child isn't moving towards independence. There's no one-size-fits-all answer to your question and there are going to be many different variables to consider that will likely change how you should proceed. Here are a few suggestions that might help you as you start redefining your role as a mother.
Speaker 1:One set clear boundaries. It's okay to establish boundaries that protect your well-being. Being a good mother doesn't mean always doing everything for your child. Sometimes it means allowing him the space to take responsibility for his own life, even when it's difficult to watch. Setting boundaries will help both you and your child in the long run. Examples might include limit financial support.
Speaker 1:Set a timeline for independence. If your child lives with you, make it clear that they need to contribute to household chores. Set boundaries around personal space and respect in shared spaces, not solving all their problems. Limit emotional venting. Make sure you're setting aside time for your own hobbies, friends and relaxation and you can let your child know that there are times when you're not available and they'll need to manage without you during those periods. Set household rules and employment expectations. Limit unannounced help If your child often expects you to drop everything to help with their needs. Set a boundary by letting them know that they need to ask ahead of time and you'll help if it fits in your schedule. When my children were teens, I told them that I would no longer be a parent after 9pm. If they wanted anything from me, they would need to give sufficient notice and that I would be done by 9. It was a surprise by how well this was received and respected, and of course there's always emergency situations, but for the most part everything was done by nine o'clock.
Speaker 1:Focus on your role as a supporter, not a savior. Instead of feeling like you have to save your son, try to focus on being a supporter. You can still offer love, guidance and resources, without taking on the burden of fixing everything for him. Encourage him to seek out the help he needs for his mental health and to take steps towards independence. Encourage him to seek out the help he needs for his mental health and to take steps towards independence. Three seek professional guidance. A therapist or counselor, especially one experienced with autism and mental health issues, could offer both you and your son tools for managing the situation. They can help you find a healthy balance between caring for him and allowing him to make his own choices.
Speaker 1:Four connect with other parents. Sometimes it helps to connect with other parents in similar situations. Support groups for parents of adults with disabilities can be a great way to share experiences, to get advice and to feel less alone in your journey. Five take care of yourself. It's easy to forget, but your own mental and emotional health is just as important. Make sure you're finding the time to take care of yourself, whether that's through hobbies, self-care or talking to a professional. The better you're doing, the more you'll be able to offer your son from a healthy place.
Speaker 1:Six consider long-term solutions. If possible, look into long-term housing or care options for your son that might provide him with the support he needs while giving you peace of mind. This might help him gain more independence while ensuring he's cared for. Remember, it's okay to still be figuring things out and no one has all the answers. You're already doing so much by being aware of these challenges and trying to redefine your role in a healthier way. I want to reassure you that the decision you made to not take your son back into your home was not only okay, but it's also a sign of strength and care. You're allowing him the space to figure out his own path, which is a key part of growing and becoming more independent. I'm not sure how you're feeling about your decision, but it's possible that you might feel guilty or judged, but what you've done is important for both you and your son. By giving him this chance, you're helping him build the skills he needs to take care of for himself, and he might even start to feel a sense of pride in being able to handle these things on his own. It's not easy, but you're giving him the opportunity to stand on his own feet, and that's a gift in itself.
Speaker 1:Here's another question that I got. It comes from Ontario, canada. I was in a toxic relationship for several years and now separated for approximately five. We are co-parenting, so still lots of triggers. I would love to hear more about how to handle these triggers. However, one aspect that I really find challenging is I'm still having difficulties with a certain want for validation from my ex-husband, although intellectually I know that he is incapable or won't do it. The man never apologized and rarely took responsibilities for his behaviors when we were together, so why would I still hope for acknowledgement for his hurtful behaviors after all this time? I know part of it is that it would make it real, but it feels like there is more. It's hard to let go. I would love your perspective on this. Well, thank you. From Ontario Canada. Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and challenging experience.
Speaker 1:It's clear that you've done a lot of reflection on your situation, which is an important first step. Co-parenting with someone who triggers you can feel like you're constantly reopening old wounds, and that's really tough. Many people who've gone through toxic relationships feel the same pull for validation, even though they know that they might not ever get it. You've spent years dealing with this person and, even though you're separated, the emotions and patterns just don't go away. When we co-parent, there's an ongoing connection that keeps those feelings alive, making it hard to fully heal. It's completely normal to struggle with triggers when you're constantly in contact with someone who has caused you pain.
Speaker 1:Before I get to your question, I wanted to address triggers. I feel that this term has really gained popularity and momentum in the last 20 years and it's now found everywhere, thanks to social media, pop culture and mental health discussions. A trigger is something like a situation, a person's behavior or a specific event that causes an emotional reaction because it reminds you of a past traumatic or painful experience. Triggers can bring up strong feelings like anger, sadness, anxiety or even physical reactions, especially if they connect to unresolved issues or difficult memories. For example, if you had a toxic relationship where you were often criticized, a simple comment from your ex-partner during co-parenting might instantly bring back the feelings of hurt or frustration that you experienced in that relationship. Triggers can sometimes feel overwhelming because they bring up emotions from the past, making it hard to stay focused on the present.
Speaker 1:Co-parenting is never easy, even in the best of circumstances. It requires communication, compromise and patience, but when you're co-parenting with a partner from a previous toxic relationship, it adds a whole new layer of complexity and challenges. You're not just dealing with the usual struggles of coordinating schedules or making decisions for your child. You're also navigating unresolved emotional wounds from the past. Every interaction with your ex-partner can bring up old feelings of hurt, anger, anger or frustration, and that makes even simple conversations more difficult.
Speaker 1:One challenge is maintaining healthy boundaries. In a toxic relationship, boundaries were often ignored or disrespected, so it can be hard to set new ones. In a co-parenting dynamic, you might find it difficult to protect your emotional well-being while still having to communicate regularly about your child's needs. Another challenge is avoiding the emotional triggers that can pop up unexpectedly. A simple comment or tone of voice from your ex might remind you of the pain from the relationship, making it harder to stay calm and focused on what's best for your child. There's also the issue of trust, so in a toxic relationship, trust is often broken and that mistrust can spill over into co-parenting. You might find yourself doubting your ex's ability to make good decisions or handle responsibilities, which can lead to tension and conflict. And, of course, trying to shield your child from the negative dynamics of your past relationship is incredibly difficult. You want to ensure that your child has the negative dynamics of your past relationship is incredibly difficult. You want to ensure that your child has a healthy relationship with both parents, but the emotional baggage from the past can sometimes get in the way. Overall co-parenting after a toxic relationship is not just about managing your child's needs. It's about learning how to manage your own emotions, setting firm boundaries and protecting your mental well-being while still maintaining a cooperative relationship for the sake of your child. It's a tough balancing act and will likely need support to help manage.
Speaker 1:That want for validation, despite knowing deep down that it might not ever come, is something so many of us wrestle with after leaving a toxic relationship. Imagine being in a situation where you've worked really hard on something really important to you but no one acknowledges it. It feels empty, frustrating and unfair. Right, that's similar to what you're going through emotionally. You've lived through a difficult relationship and part of you wants that acknowledgement, an apology, some sort of recognition that what happened to you was real and painful. It's natural to want someone to take responsibility for their actions. In your case, getting that validation from your ex-husband might feel like it would give you a sense of closure, that sense of emotional relief when you feel like a chapter in your life has been fully understood and accepted and now you can move on without carrying the emotional weight of it anymore. But, as you already know, intellectually he might not ever be able to provide that for you.
Speaker 1:It's possible that your ex-husband may never be able to give you the closure that you're seeking, because he may not fully recognize or accept responsibility for his actions. In many cases, people who are toxic in a relationship either lack the self-awareness to see the harm that they caused or they're unwilling to admit their faults, often because doing so would force them to confront uncomfortable truths about themselves. He may also avoid taking responsibility as a way of protecting his own ego, because acknowledging his hurtful behavior would require him to change, which he might not be ready or willing to do so. Some people are simply unable to offer the kind of emotional maturity or accountability that is necessary for closure. His inability to give you that validation doesn't mean that your pain wasn't real. It just means that he might not be capable of providing what you need for healing. That's why closure often has to come from within, rather than waiting for the other person to change or offer what they may never give.
Speaker 1:It's about finding peace on your own terms, accepting the situation for what it is and moving forward with your life, even if you never get the apology or acknowledgement that you deserve. The hard truth is that the need for validation isn't just about getting an apology. It's often about wanting to be seen or heard after years of feeling dismissed. You spent years in a relationship where your feelings may have been minimized, ignored or invalidated. This can leave you feeling invisible and unheard. So, even after the relationship ends, the desire to finally be recognized lingers. It's like waiting for someone to acknowledge that your experience was real and that it mattered. But here's where the shift needs to happen. You can validate your own feelings. You lived through it and your emotions and pain are valid, with or without his acknowledgement. While it's incredibly difficult, learning to give yourself that validation is key to healing.
Speaker 1:When it comes to handling the emotional triggers that co-parenting brings, this is where things get really tough. Every interaction with your ex-husband might feel like an opportunity for old hurts to resurface. For example, you might be talking about something simple like scheduling, but his tone or lack of responsibility in the conversation could instantly bring back memories of the past. In those moments, it's easy to feel like you're right back in the toxic dynamic. What helps in these situations is focusing on what you can control. You can control your reaction and you can control your boundaries. For example, if you feel triggered during a conversation, take a moment to pause, breathe and remind yourself that you're not in that same place anymore. Setting clear emotional boundaries with yourself, like deciding not to engage in certain conversations or limiting the time spent talking to him, can protect your mental well-being.
Speaker 1:Relating to this many people find that they need external support during these moments. Having someone to talk to, whether it's a therapist, a friend or even a support group, it can be really helpful. Surrounding yourself with people who validate your feelings can reduce the need for that validation from your ex. They can remind you of your progress, help you feel heard and encourage you when things feel overwhelming. It's like having a safety net so you don't feel as though you're facing the emotional challenges alone. Ultimately, this journey is about reclaiming your own power. The more you validate yourself, manage your triggers and set boundaries, the less you'll need that acknowledgement from your ex-husband. You might never get the apology or recognition that you deserve from him, but you can give yourself the acknowledgement that you survived and grew from that experience, and that's the most empowering thing that you can do?
Speaker 1:The third question comes from Florence. Dear Dr Downey, thank you for your podcast and for sharing your experiences. You often talk about seeing a therapist, but I tried that a few years ago and it wasn't very helpful. I'm nervous about going back because I felt she was judging me. What would you suggest doing, and is there something else I can try? Thank you so much for reaching out and for listening to the podcast. I completely understand your hesitation about returning to therapy, especially after a negative experience. It can be really hard to open up when you feel like you're being judged and it's normal to feel nervous about giving it another try. My biggest and most important suggestion is to look for a different therapist who might be a better fit for you. Therapy is such a personal experience and sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find someone that you feel comfortable with. It's okay to shop around until you find someone that you connect with. You deserve to feel safe and supported in therapy, and finding that right person can make all the difference. You might also want to try having an open conversation with your new therapist about your past experience. Let them know that you're nervous because you felt judged before. A good therapist is going to appreciate that honesty and work with you to create a non-judgmental, supportive space.
Speaker 1:I've been through a divorce before and we went to counseling in an effort to save our marriage. We started about a year before and we went to counseling in an effort to save our marriage. We started about a year before we got separated but, honestly, we should have begun therapy eight years before that. By the time we finally went, the issues in our relationship had created a pretty big gap between us and we didn't have enough time to find a therapist that we both liked. Now that I'm in a new long-term relationship and planning a wedding, we've already started seeing a counselor, even though we communicate really well and we have very few disagreements. We're two individuals learning to navigate life together. We have children, aging parents and a major renovation to consider and to manage. We tried one counselor who was okay, but we really connected with the second one. We both trust her and we benefit from her guidance. It's so much easier to attend counseling when you're coming from a place of love and respect rather than frustration and anger, and you've also got the time to explore and find someone that you really like and connect with.
Speaker 1:What I'm trying to say is you might not find the right therapist on the first try. It might take two or three different therapists before you find someone that you really like, and don't wait until things are really bad before seeking therapy. It's better to start as soon as you notice that things might be heading in the wrong direction or if you envision lots of challenges ahead that could potentially put your relationship at risk. There's no shame in going to therapy even when things are going well. It can actually make your relationship and your mental health stronger. I encourage you to give it another shot if you feel ready. Therapy can be really valuable, but it's important to find the right match. Take your time and trust your instincts. If you don't feel comfortable and you're not ready to go back to therapy, it's completely okay.
Speaker 1:There are other options that you can try to support your emotional well-being. Writing about your feelings and experiences in a journal can be a great way to process emotions on your own. It helps you reflect on what's bothering you and can provide clarity over time. There are many great self-help books and podcasts focusing on mental health, personal growth and overcoming challenges. Sometimes, hearing other people's stories or learning new techniques can be really empowering If you feel more comfortable in a group setting, you might want to look into support groups. These are often made up of people going through similar experiences, and it can be helpful to share your thoughts and hear others in a more informal setting.
Speaker 1:Practicing mindfulness or meditation can help you manage anxiety, stress and difficult emotions. There are apps and online resources that guide you through this process. Physical movement, whether it's walking, yoga or another form of exercise, can be really beneficial for your mental health. It helps release stress and gives you a space to clear your mind. Engaging in creative activities like painting, music or crafting can be a therapeutic way to express yourself and work through your emotions. Everyone's path to healing is different. It's about finding what works best for you, and if therapy doesn't feel like the right step now, that's okay. There are many other ways to take care of your mental health.
Speaker 1:I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I will meet you here again in two weeks for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'm going to talk about consent. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me, and I hope today's podcast resonated with you Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.