Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Navigating Intimacy: Addressing Consent and Boundaries
What if your relationship's boundaries weren't just crossed but shattered? Join me, Dr. Angela Downey, as we confront the severe reality of consent violations in relationships. Using a listener's heart-wrenching story, we take an unflinching look at the necessity of clear, enthusiastic, and ongoing consent for any sexual activity. We'll discuss the importance of listening to your instincts, respecting boundaries, and ensuring mutual consent to protect personal safety and autonomy.
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Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 19th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. Today's episode is going to focus on consent. It will be a little shorter than some of my other episodes because life is busy right now, but I don't want to lose any momentum or get out of the habit of recording, so hopefully you're still going to get a little something out of it.
Speaker 1:Consent is the clear, enthusiastic agreement between two people to engage in a specific activity, and it's crucial in a healthy relationship, especially when it comes to sexual activity. Consent means that both people are fully aware, willing and actively agreeing to what's happening. It's not something that can be assumed or implied based on past behaviors or relationship status. Consent is something that needs to be or implied, based on past behaviors or relationship status. Consent is something that needs to be given freely, without pressure, manipulation or fear of consequences. It's important to remember that consent is ongoing. Just because someone said yes at one point doesn't mean that they can't change their mind. It's also key to understand that if someone is unconscious, intoxicated or unable to communicate clearly, they can't give consent.
Speaker 1:I wanted to do an episode on consent after reading a post that really bothered me. I'm going to be leaving out all the names. It said I could use some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for nine months. We get along really well, but he likes to have sex a lot. He would like to have sex one to two times a day, but I don't have a great sex drive and I would be happy having sex once every week or two. Sometimes I don't even feel like having sex that often. A few times I've woken up from sleep with him penetrating me, and sometimes I wake up in the morning feeling like I've had sex, but I don't remember it. Last week I woke up to him penetrating me. When I asked him what he was doing, he said that he was making love to me. I also noticed that he had a tripod set up and had been recording the whole thing. I asked him if he ever recorded it before and he said no, but that he wanted to be able to watch it again if I wasn't wanting to have sex and he needed it for masturbating. This seems really weird to me. Is it normal? To summarize this really quick no, this is not okay.
Speaker 1:Consent is required for every sexual act, and being asleep or unaware means that you can't give consent. Recording you without your knowledge or agreement is another major violation of trust and your personal rights. This behavior is a form of sexual assault and it's not okay under any circumstances. It's not only wrong, but it's also illegal in many places. There's a couple of red flags in the conversation that I wanted to point out. One the poster mentions that her boyfriend has a much higher sex drive than she does and she would prefer to have sex far less often. This is a red flag. If she feels pressured to engage in sex more frequently than she wants to just to keep him happy, it's suggesting that she might be prioritizing his desires over her own comfort. The fact that her boyfriend is initiating sex while she's asleep is deeply concerning to me, consent must be given by both parties every time, and being asleep means that she can't give consent. This is not just a violation of trust, it's actually sexual assault. Recording someone without their consent, especially in a private or intimate setting, is a breach of privacy. He has no right to be filming her without her full awareness and agreement. His explanation that he wanted the recording for masturbation if she doesn't feel in the mood is deeply problematic and it suggests a complete disregard for autonomy and privacy.
Speaker 1:I'm worried that she has woken up feeling like she's had sex, but doesn't remember it. This could indicate that he's been engaging in sexual activity with her while she's either unconscious or not fully aware of what's happening. It even raises the possibility that maybe she's been drugged. She likely knows that something is really wrong and I'm assuming this because she is questioning whether this behavior is normal. Instead of trusting her own instincts, which are clearly signaling that this behavior is not okay, she's turning to others for validation of her feelings. This is a sign that she might be giving away her power and doubting her own ability to make decisions about her safety and well-being own ability to make decisions about her safety and well-being.
Speaker 1:When we feel something is off. It's important to listen to that inner voice rather than waiting for others to confirm it. For us, it's really important to understand that it doesn't matter if your boyfriend has a high sex drive. That doesn't give him the right to cross your boundaries or make you feel uncomfortable. You are not responsible for taking care of all of his sexual needs and it's not your job to meet his desires when you're not feeling up to it. Everyone's sex drive is different and that's completely normal, but that never justifies someone engaging in sexual activity without your consent. What he's doing by having sex with you while you're sleeping is a clear violation of your trust and your bodily autonomy. No one, no matter the circumstances, has the right to touch or engage in sexual activity with you without your clear, conscious consent. Being asleep means that you can't give that consent and you have every right to feel safe and protected while you're sleeping. If your boyfriend struggles with his sex drive, that's something he needs to learn to manage in a healthy and respectful way, without putting you in uncomfortable or unsafe situations. It's never okay for someone to prioritize their sexual desires over your rights, safety and well-being. You deserve to feel safe, respected and secure in your relationship at all times, including when you're asleep.
Speaker 1:Sometimes women feel like it's their duty to have sex with their partners, especially when there's a difference in sex drive. They might feel pressured to meet their partner's expectations even when they're not in the mood, because they think it's part of maintaining that healthy relationship. In some cases, women might have sex simply because it feels easier than constantly dodging their partner's advances or dealing with the emotional fallout that might come from saying no. It can feel like a way to avoid guilt arguments or disappointing your partner, but over time this can create deep feelings of resentment. When sex becomes something done out of obligation rather than desire, it starts to feel like a chore instead of an intimate, connecting experience. This dynamic can change emotional closeness because the woman might start to feel like her needs and boundaries aren't being respected and, as a result, this pattern can actually lower her sex drive even more. The more sex becomes something that she feels forced into, the less she's going to want to engage in it. The emotional burden of constantly feeling like she has to give in can create stress and distance in the relationship, further reducing any natural desire that she might have. In the long run, this doesn't serve the relationship or either partner.
Speaker 1:Healthy consensual intimacy should be about mutual desire and respect, not obligation or avoidance. Society and upbringing have often taught women to feel pressure to have sex even when they don't want to. Many women grow up with messages that their worth is tied to being desirable or pleasing to others, especially their partners. This can lead to the belief that it's their responsibility to keep their partner happy, even if it means ignoring their own feelings or boundaries. In some cultures or families, women are taught to prioritize the needs of others over their own, and that saying no can cause conflict or disappointment and, as a result, they might feel guilty for turning down sex or believe it's just easier to go along with it rather than standing up for what they truly want. Over time, this pressure can lead to resentment, emotional disconnection and lower sense of self-worth. So it's important to recognize that every person has the right to say no and that sexual consent should always be based on mutual desire, not obligation or guilt. So consent is required every time sex is initiated.
Speaker 1:Imagine that consenting to sex is being compared to consenting to play volleyball. Sometimes I just don't want to play volleyball, and that's okay. So why is it okay to say no to volleyball but not to having sex. Just because you got dressed, showed up to the court and maybe even said that you wanted to play earlier, doesn't mean that you can't change your mind. You always have the right to decide not to play, even at the last minute. When someone says, oh, come on, you know you want to, that doesn't mean you actually feel like playing volleyball right. Then why is it that someone else has the right to tell me what I want to be doing? Why is someone else trying to convince me that I don't know what I want? The next thing you know you have balls coming at your face and your partner is assuming that you'll just give in and join the game.
Speaker 1:Just because someone throws a volleyball at you doesn't mean that you're forced to play. Maybe you're not in the mood to play just now. You're allowed to say that you don't feel like it and that your decision needs to be respected. You don't need to come up with a bunch of excuses. You just don't want to play the end and if you're sleeping or intoxicated, you can't play volleyball or give consent to play volleyball, because you're not in a position to make that decision, Just like you wouldn't play volleyball in that state. You can't consent to sexual activity when you're not fully awake or sober. It's also important to remember that just because you wanted to play volleyball earlier in the week doesn't mean that you want to play now. And if you made arrangements to play volleyball on Saturday doesn't mean that you can't change your mind once the weekend comes along. Sometimes you're just not in the mood to play. Consent is something that needs to be given each and every time. No one should push you to participate when you're not up for it.
Speaker 1:When I was reading the comments about the situation, there was a wide range of responses. Some people recognized that it must have been scary and confusing for her and pointed that out, and since there was no consent, she should consider whether he is a safe person for her to be with. Others were trying to shame her for choosing to stay with him, and there were a few comments from men saying things like it's unfair for her not to give her partner sex and still expect him to stay faithful to her. They argued that he had needs and should be allowed to seek sex elsewhere if she couldn't satisfy him. I didn't even know what to say to that the idea that it's unfair for someone not to give their partner sex and still expect them to remain faithful is a harmful and outdated way of thinking.
Speaker 1:A healthy relationship is built on respect, communication and mutual understanding, not on the idea that one person owes the other person sex. Sexual intimacy is an important part of many relationships, but it should also be based on mutual desire and consent, not obligation. Everyone has needs in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that one partner has the right to demand sex or seek it elsewhere if their partner isn't in the mood or has a lower sex drive. If one partner feels unsatisfied, it's important to have an open conversation about it and to find ways to meet each other's emotional and physical needs without resorting to ultimatums or pressure. Suggesting that someone should be allowed to seek sex elsewhere if their partner isn't meeting their needs dismisses the importance of communication, respect and relationship. It implies that sex is a transactional duty rather than an act of intimacy that both people should freely want to engage in. Relationships thrive when both partners work together to find balance and solutions, not when one person feels entitled to go outside the relationship if things aren't perfect. It also misses the point of the post where she wasn't able to consent to sexual activity because she was sleeping when he took advantage of her and it didn't address that her partner was recording the violation.
Speaker 1:It's completely normal for two people in a relationship to have different levels of sexual desire. Everyone has a unique sex drive and it's rare for both partners to want the same amount of intimacy at the same time. This can sometimes cause frustration and misunderstanding, but it's something that can be managed through open communication and compromise. The key is for both partners to talk openly about their needs and feelings, without judgment. Not meeting each other's needs in a relationship, especially when it comes to sex, can have some serious consequences if it's not handled with care. If one partner is constantly feeling unsatisfied, they might start feeling frustrated or disconnected, or even rejected, which can lead to emotional distance. But on the other hand, if you have sex when you don't want to, just to please your partner, it can create resentment. Over time, this can lead to a feeling of obligation rather than intimacy, which makes sex feel like a chore instead of something enjoyable. This can lower your sexual desire even more and it can create a bigger gap between both partners' needs.
Speaker 1:The best approach is to communicate openly and find compromises that work for both of you. For example, you can work together to find other ways to connect, like spending quality time together, being affectionate, giving massages or back scratches, or finding new ways to express intimacy. If your partner is understanding and willing to work with you, it's going to strengthen the relationship and help bridge that gap. However, if your partner isn't willing to compromise and insists on their needs being met without considering your feelings, that can create an even bigger rift, and in that case, it's important to address the issue honestly and consider whether the relationship is built on mutual respect and understanding.
Speaker 1:A relationship where one person's needs are prioritized over the others isn't healthy, and it's essential that both partners work together to find a balance that respects each other's boundaries and desires. And it's also important to listen to what your gut is telling you. It doesn't matter what others consider normal. Everyone's definition of normal is different. What really matters is how you feel. If you're being treated in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, then it's not okay. Over time, you have stopped listening to your gut and put yourself in uncomfortable situations to please others or avoid conflict. You've learned to ignore that inner voice, but it's time to start paying attention again. Try tuning into your feelings and acknowledging them. Give them an importance that they deserve.
Speaker 1:Ask yourself how do you know when something isn't right? Do you feel a knot in your stomach, anxiety or tightness in your chest or throat? Start noticing when these sensations come up and take action to make yourself feel better. Don't rely on others to tell you how you should feel or what you should do. Trust your instincts. They're there to protect you.
Speaker 1:Here are some self-reflection exercises for the week if you'd like to do some journal work. Ask yourself do I feel comfortable saying no to my partner without fear of how they'll react? How does my body feel when I'm about to give consent? Do I feel relaxed and open or tense and uneasy? Have there been times when I agreed to something just to avoid conflict or to keep the peace? How did that make me feel afterwards? When I set boundaries, does my partner respect them or do I feel pressured to give in? Am I listening to my gut feelings or do I ignore them because I don't want to upset someone else? Do I feel like I can talk openly with my partner about what makes me feel safe, loved and respected? Are there times when I felt uncomfortable in a situation but didn't say anything, and what stopped me from speaking up? Do I feel valued and loved in my relationship, or do I often feel like I'm just meeting someone else's needs? What steps can I take to feel more empowered in my relationship and how can I make sure my feelings are always considered? I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself.
Speaker 1:I will meet you here in two weeks for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'm going to talk about the codependent narcissist dynamic. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.