Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Decoding Codependent and Narcissistic Relationships
Unlock the secrets to understanding and healing from codependent and narcissistic relationships with Dr. Angela Downey on the Codependent Doctor podcast. Ever wonder why certain people are drawn to relationships that seem to take more than they give? Discover how childhood dynamics with narcissistic parents can shape codependent traits, leading individuals into familiar yet unhealthy adult relationships with narcissists. You'll gain crucial insights into the behaviors and patterns that perpetuate these dynamics.
Explore the emotional rollercoaster of codependent-narcissist interactions, characterized by a constant outpouring of energy from the codependent, hoping for the narcissist's elusive affection. Examine the manipulative cycles that leave codependents feeling responsible for their partner's happiness, often to their own detriment. Through real-life examples, we shed light on the impact these relationships have on one's mental health and the importance of seeking professional guidance. Tune in to reclaim your authentic self and build healthier, more fulfilling connections.
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Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 20th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. Today's episode will focus on the codependent narcissist dynamic. If you have a moment, it would be helpful if you could like and subscribe to the podcast or leave a comment so that it will be easier for others who might benefit to find me. And don't forget to follow me so you don't miss any future episodes. If you have any show suggestions or questions that you would like to ask me, you're welcome to email me at codependentdoctor at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:When someone grows up with a narcissistic parent, they often learn early on that their role is to meet the emotional leads of others while ignoring their own. As a child, they may have been expected to make their narcissistic parent feel validated, loved and cared for, often at the cost of their own emotional well-being. This can teach them that love and approval comes from self-sacrifice and by pleasing others, which is a key trait of codependency. As adults, these patterns can carry over into their relationships. Codependents who are used to putting others' needs first may be naturally drawn to narcissists, who are looking for someone to fulfill their desire for constant attention and validation. The dynamic feels familiar to both parties, even though it's unhealthy. The codependent continues to give and seek approval, while the narcissist takes and expects the relationship to revolve around their needs. This is why people raised by narcissists often become codependents. They've been conditioned to prioritize others over themselves and may unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror this dynamic. This is not to say that everyone raised by a narcissist becomes codependent and that not all codependents were raised by narcissists, but the patterns learned in childhood can strongly influence adult relationships if they aren't recognized and addressed.
Speaker 1:These days, the term narcissist is thrown around a lot. It's used loosely to describe anyone who seems selfish or confident. For example, if someone likes to take selfies or talk about themselves, a lot, people might call them a narcissist. However, the true meaning of narcissism goes much deeper than just having confidence or being self-absorbed. Narcissism in its true form is a personality disorder called narcissistic personality disorder. It's not just about liking yourself a lot. It's about having a deep need for admiration, a lack of empathy for others and a sense of entitlement.
Speaker 1:Narcissists often believe that they're superior to others and expect special treatment. They can be charming and confident on the surface, but underneath they may manipulate others to get what they want, often without regard for the feelings or needs of the people around them. Some common traits of narcissists include a lack of empathy. Narcissists struggle to understand or care about other people's feelings. For example, imagine you had a tough day at work and come home feeling upset. A narcissist might completely ignore your feelings or dismiss them by saying well, I've had it harder than you. Instead of offering comfort or listening, they turn the conversation back to themselves. They don't try to put themselves in your shoes and, as a result, it feels like your emotions don't matter to them.
Speaker 1:Grandiosity Narcissists often have an exaggerated sense of their own importance or abilities. They might constantly talk about how amazing they are at their job, even when their performance is just average. They may claim that they deserve a promotion because they're better than everyone else, or that others just don't see how special they are. They may also take credit for things that they didn't do, exaggerating their role to make themselves look better. Narcissists believe they're exceptional, even if their view doesn't match reality. Entitlement Narcissists feel they deserve special treatment just because they exist. For example, they might cut in line at a store because they believe that they shouldn't have to wait like everyone else, or they may expect others to do things for them without offering anything in return. Let's say you're at a group dinner and the narcissist assumes everyone should cover their bill because they think that they're more important. They believe the world owes them something and don't see why they should play by the same rules as everyone else.
Speaker 1:Manipulative behavior Narcissists often use others to get what they want without caring about the consequences. For example, a narcissist might flatter you or make promises to get you to do something for them, but once they get what they want, they don't follow through. On their end. They might manipulate someone into lending them money, only to forget to pay them back. In relationships, a narcissist might guilt trip their partner into doing things that they're uncomfortable with by saying things like if you really loved me, you'd do this for me. Their behavior is focused on getting their needs met, regardless of the impact on others the need for admiration. Narcissists have an endless need for praise and validation. They constantly seek out compliments and attention and when they don't get it, they can become upset or even angry. For example, if a narcissist posts something on social media and it doesn't get enough likes or comments, they might take it personally and lash out saying things like people just don't appreciate me. They're always fishing for compliments and may bring up their accomplishments repeatedly to make sure everyone knows how great they are. They rely on others to boost their self-esteem because deep down, they often feel insecure.
Speaker 1:Narcissists are more common than many people realize. While not everyone we encounter is a narcissist, most of us likely know someone who shows narcissistic traits. True, narcissistic personality disorder is relatively rare. It affects about one to six percent of the population. But many can exhibit narcissistic behaviors without having a full-blown personality disorder.
Speaker 1:Narcissism exists on a spectrum. You might know someone who has a few narcissistic tendencies. Maybe they crave attention or have an inflated sense of their own importance, but they don't display all the traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder. These people might be self-centered or lack empathy at times, but still function in relationships without causing serious harm. On the other hand, a full-fledged narcissist, someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, can be more damaging because they consistently prioritize their own needs above everyone else's. They lack empathy and engage in manipulative behaviors. While not everyone you meet will be a narcissist, it's likely that most of us will encounter at least one person in our lives who displays these toxic traits. We've all met that person who likes to be the center of attention. Let's say you're at a friend's birthday party, but the narcissist keeps interrupting the conversation to talk about their latest accomplishments. When others don't give them the attention they crave, they become upset and sulky, or they might make snide remarks to bring the focus back to themselves. They can't stand not being admired or praised and often try to steal the spotlight even at events that aren't about them. These behaviors aren't just annoying, they can be damaging, especially if you're close to someone like this. Narcissists often leave people feeling used, unappreciated and emotionally drained because everything in that relationship revolves around their needs, with little regard to yours.
Speaker 1:Narcissists often develop due to a combination of factors. One way it can form is when a child is excessively praised or treated as if they're better than everyone else. So, as an example, if a child is constantly told that they're special, perfect or more important than others, they can start to believe that they're superior. This kind of over-praising can lead them to develop an over-inflated sense of self-importance. They grow up thinking the world should revolve around them because that's how they've been raised. They often expect special treatment and struggle when things don't go their way, because they've never been taught how to handle disappointment or criticism. On the other hand, some narcissists were raised in environments where they were neglected or ignored. In these cases, the child may not have received the love, attention or validation that they needed growing up. As a result, they develop narcissistic traits as a way to protect themselves, they create a false sense of superiority to hide their deep insecurities. By convincing themselves that they are better than others, they try to fill the emotional void left by neglect. This is a way of compensating for the lack of affection or validation that they didn't receive as children. In both cases, whether through excessive praise or neglect, the child develops a distorted sense of self. However, the difference is that in the first case, the narcissism is built on a belief of genuine superiority, while the second case, it is often a defense mechanism to cope with deep feelings of inadequacy. Either way, these early experiences shape how narcissists relate to others later in life, often leading to problems with empathy, entitlement and healthy relationships.
Speaker 1:It's also important to understand the difference between narcissism and having a lot of confidence. Confidence is a healthy trait. Confident people believe in themselves, but they don't need to put others down to feel good. They can listen to others, admit when they're wrong and feel secure without constant praise. A narcissist, on the other hand, needs constant admiration and will often hurt others to protect their fragile sense of self-worth. Confidence is grounded in reality and respect, while narcissism is more about masking insecurity with arrogance and entitlement. So while we might casually call people narcissists when they act selfishly, true narcissism is much more complex and harmful. Understanding the real traits of narcissism can help us recognize when we're dealing with someone who might be manipulative or abusive and protect ourselves from their toxic behavior.
Speaker 1:Codependents are often drawn to narcissists because their needs and behaviors complement each other in a way that feels familiar and a little comfortable, even if it's unhealthy. Many codependents grew up in homes where their role was to take care of others, often at the expense of their own needs. If we had parents or caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or demanding, we may have learned that love and approval only comes through self-sacrifice. When we meet a narcissist, the dynamic feels familiar. Taking care of someone else's needs is what we've always done, so it feels natural. Codependents often feel validated and valued when they're helping others. A narcissist needs constant attention and admiration, and we step in to fill this role, feeling important and useful in that relationship. So, as an example, we might be constantly catering to the narcissist's needs by always listening to their problems, supporting their ambitions or making sacrifices to keep the narcissist happy. This gives us a sense of purpose, even though it's exhausting.
Speaker 1:Codependents often believe that if they give enough whether it's love, support or attention they will finally get the approval or the love that they desire. Narcissists, who are skilled at manipulating others, may give just enough praise or affection to keep us hooked, even though they never really meet our emotional needs. For example, a narcissist might praise us for being so loyal or selfless, giving us the smallest boost of validation that keeps us engaged in the relationship. Codependents often have a deep fear of being abandoned or rejected. We may believe that if we stop giving, the relationship will end. Because narcissists tend to make everything about themselves. They can threaten or manipulate us into continuing the unhealthy cycle. For instance, a narcissist might say if you really loved me, you'd do this for me, or no one else would put up with you like I do, which plays on our fear of being alone In the codependent narcissist dynamic.
Speaker 1:The narcissist thrives on the constant attention, validation and care provided by the codependent. The codependent in turn feels fulfilled by being needed and may tolerate mistreatment, thinking that if they give more or love harder, they will eventually be valued. The problem is that this dynamic is one-sided, with the narcissist continually taking while the codependent keeps giving, often to the point of emotional exhaustion or resentment. Imagine a codependent partner who constantly goes out of their way to make the narcissist feel special. They might spend all their time and energy making sure the narcissist is happy, running errands for them or even neglecting their own friends and hobbies to be available whenever the narcissist needs something In return. The narcissist is happy running errands for them or even neglecting their own friends and hobbies to be available whenever the narcissist needs something In return. The narcissist may throw out occasional compliments or expressions of appreciation, but they don't give much back emotionally. The codependent stays because they believe that by continuing to give they will eventually earn the narcissist's love and commitment. Another example would be a narcissist might have a bad day and lash out at the codependent, blaming them for things that aren't their fault. Instead of setting a boundary, the codependent may take on the blame, believing that if they can just do better, the narcissist will be happy. The narcissist feeds off this dynamic, enjoying the control and the fact that their needs come first, while the codependent works harder and harder to fix things, even though it's a no-win situation for them.
Speaker 1:There are some key characteristics of the codependent-narcissist dynamic. One the codependent feels responsible for the narcissist's happiness. We often believe that if the narcissist is upset, it's our fault or our responsibility to fix it. This creates a lot of pressure and stress because we're constantly trying to please the narcissist, even if it means ignoring our own needs or feelings. Imagine a couple where the narcissist gets angry when things don't go their way. If the narcissist comes home from work in a bad mood, we might immediately start walking on eggshells, doing everything we can to make them feel better. Maybe we cook their favorite meal, cancel our plans so we can spend time with them or apologize for things that aren't even our fault. We believe that if we can just do everything right, the narcissist will be happy again and the relationship will be okay.
Speaker 1:Another example is when the narcissist demands constant attention and praise. If we don't give enough compliments or aren't always available, the narcissist might get upset, accuse us of not caring or even threaten to leave. Feeling responsible for keeping the relationship intact, we bend over backwards to make up for it. We might start praising them excessively or neglect our own needs just to ensure the narcissist feels important and valued. In both cases, we feel like it's our responsibility to keep the narcissist happy, even though their happiness is never really in our control. This is an exhausting and unhealthy dynamic because no matter how much we give, it's never enough to truly satisfy the narcissist. We end up feeling drained and unappreciated, while the narcissist continues to take without giving much back.
Speaker 1:Two the narcissist expects constant admiration and attention. They want to be the center of everything and need people around them to constantly validate them and make them feel important. For the narcissist, it's not just a want. It's more like a never-ending need for praise. They rely on others to boost their ego and when they don't get that attention, they can become angry, upset or manipulative. Imagine a narcissist in a relationship where every day, they expect to be told how amazing they are. They want compliments about their looks, intelligence and even their smallest accomplishments. Wanting to keep the peace, codependents constantly feed them these compliments to make them feel good. But if one day we forget to compliment them or don't seem as enthusiastic, the narcissist might start pouting, accuse us of not caring enough or make us feel guilty for not giving them the attention they crave. It becomes a constant cycle where they demand admiration and we feel obligated to provide it. Another example could be at a social event, the narcissist might expect us to focus solely on them the entire time. If we start talking to someone else or enjoying ourselves, the narcissist might interrupt, steer the conversation back to themselves or later accuse us of ignoring them. The narcissist can't handle not being the center of attention and they'll go to great lengths to pull the focus back to themselves, even if it means belittling or manipulating us. In this dynamic, the narcissist's need for constant admiration never ends and it puts a lot of pressure on us. We end up spending all of our time and energy making sure that the narcissist feels important, while they give little to no recognition or appreciation in return. It's exhausting and draining because we're always trying to fill a bottomless pit of need while the narcissist just keeps demanding more.
Speaker 1:The codependent struggles to set boundaries. Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our well-being and ensure our needs are respected. But setting boundaries can feel really difficult, especially when we're with a narcissist. We often fear that if we say no or stand up for ourselves, the narcissist will get angry, push us away or even leave. So instead of setting boundaries, we keep giving in, even when it's hurting us. Imagine we're constantly doing favors for the narcissist. Maybe they ask us to run errands, do extra work or cancel plans with friends to be available whenever they want, even when exhausted or don't want to do these things. We feel guilty saying no. We might think if I say no they'll be mad and the relationship will be in trouble. So we keep pushing our own needs aside to keep the peace. Or when the narcissist makes hurtful comments or crosses personal lines like being disrespectful or controlling, we might feel uncomfortable or even hurt by their behavior. But instead of speaking up, we stay quiet. We might think it's easier just to let it go than to start a fight, or if I stand up for myself, they're going to leave. As a result, we allow the narcissist to keep crossing our boundaries because we're afraid of the consequences of speaking up. This constant struggle to set boundaries means we keep giving more and more of ourselves without getting our needs met. We end up feeling drained, unappreciated and sometimes even resentful. Meanwhile, the narcissist takes advantage of our lack of boundaries, continuing to demand more without considering how it's affecting us. Setting boundaries is essential in any healthy relationship, but in the codependent narcissist dynamic, the fear of conflict or abandonment often keeps us from standing up for ourselves, leading to a very imbalanced and unhealthy situation.
Speaker 1:Four the narcissist manipulates and exploits. The codependent Narcissists are skilled at using others for their own benefit and they know exactly how to push the right buttons to make people feel guilty, obligated or even afraid of losing the relationship. Because we often struggle with setting boundaries and are focused on keeping the narcissist happy, they take full advantage of this, often without any concern for how it affects us. For example, if the narcissist wants something like money or a favor, instead of asking respectfully or considering our situation, they might guilt trip us by saying things like if you really loved me, you'd do this for me, or I've done so much for you. The least you could do is to help me out. Because we want to avoid conflict and seek approval, we may feel like we have no choice but to give in, even if it's something we don't want to do or it puts us in a tough position. Another example is when a narcissist uses flattery or charm to get their way.
Speaker 1:The narcissist is manipulating people's emotions to control what they want, whether it's attention, money or some other form of support. Often we don't even realize we're being exploited because we're so focused on keeping the peace or earning the narcissist's love and approval. But over time this dynamic leads us feeling drained, unappreciated and used, while the narcissist continues to take without giving anything back. It creates an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship where we're constantly giving and the narcissist is always taking Five. The relationship is completely unbalanced. We are often the ones constantly giving, while the narcissist is doing most of the taking. This creates a situation where we put in all the effort to keep their relationship going, but the narcissist rarely, if ever, gives back in a meaningful way. It's as if we're pouring all of our energy, time and emotion into the relationship, while the narcissist just takes and takes, leaving us feeling drained and unappreciated.
Speaker 1:For example, think about how much we do to please others. We might always be there to listen to their problems, take care of their needs or just adjust our plans to accommodate them. We might find ourselves making sacrifices like canceling plans with friends or taking on extra responsibilities just to make sure they're happy. In return, the narcissist rarely considers our needs or offers support. Instead, they expect us to always be there for them, and they may not even notice or care when we're struggling. Another example is in decision making. In a balanced relationship, both people's opinions matter and decisions are made together, but with a narcissist, it often feels like they call all the shots. If we suggest something that doesn't fit their desires, they might dismiss our ideas or make us feel like our input isn't important. We might also go along with whatever they want, even when it's not what we want, just to avoid conflict or keep the peace. This imbalance leaves us feeling unfulfilled because our needs aren't being met, while the narcissist continues to benefit from all the effort that we put into the relationship. Over time, this dynamic can lead to resentment and emotional exhaustion, because we're constantly giving without getting much in return. It's important to recognize this pattern and work towards finding balance in the relationship where both people's needs are valued and respected.
Speaker 1:How do we break this cycle? We need to first recognize the unhealthy patterns that we've been stuck in. This starts with building our self-worth on who we are, not on how much we can please others. For example, instead of basing our happiness on whether we've met someone's needs, we need to ask ourselves what do I need in this situation? It's about learning to validate ourselves rather than wanting someone else to do it. This can be as simple as acknowledging our own accomplishments or standing up for what we want, even if it feels uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is a big part of breaking the cycle. Let's say that we've always agreed to help someone, even when it's inconvenient or draining. A step towards healing would be learning to say no when we need to. It might feel awkward at first, but it's important to start small, like turning down a favor if we're already overwhelmed. The more we practice, the easier it becomes to protect our energy and make sure our needs are respected.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, breaking the cycle means developing the courage to walk away from relationships where our needs aren't being respected. For example, if we're in a relationship where we're constantly giving and never receiving, we may need to evaluate whether this relationship is healthy for us. It's difficult, but stepping away from toxic dynamics can open the door to healthier, more balanced relationships where both people's needs are being met. There are other episodes of my podcast that can be helpful with this process, including episode 3, which is overcoming people pleasing, episode 7, setting boundaries, episode 8, self-compassion, episode 9, dating and codependency, and episode 12, dealing with shame. All of these can help you work through these issues and break the cycle. Narcissists, on the other hand, don't often change unless they're willing to confront their behavior, and that's uncommon. If we're waiting for them to change, we may be waiting a really long time. Our healing journey starts with focusing on ourselves, seeking support from our friends, family or a therapist, and learning that we deserve relationships based on mutual respect and care. It's about shifting the focus from constantly giving to recognizing that we're worthy of receiving love, care and respect in return. By breaking free from these patterns, we can finally create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Speaker 1:Here are some self-reflection exercises for this week, if you would like to do some journal work. Does my partner often expect constant praise or admiration from me, and how do they react if they don't get it? When conflicts arise? Does my partner take responsibility for their actions or do they often blame me or others for their behavior? Do I feel like my partner disregards my feelings or needs and do they frequently make everything about themselves? Has my partner ever manipulated me through guilt, threats or emotional outbursts to get what they want? How does that make me feel? Do I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my partner, constantly trying to avoid triggering their anger or disappointment when I express my emotions or concerns? Does my partner show empathy and understanding, or do they dismiss and minimize my feelings? Does my partner have an exaggerated sense of their own importance or abilities and do they often put their needs above mine without consideration? Do I feel drained, unappreciated or used in this relationship, while my partner seems to take more than they give? I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself.
Speaker 1:I will meet you here in two weeks for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I will answer a listener's questions about healing after an affair. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Cependent doctor. We can do this together.