Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Untangling Enmeshment: Empowering Independence through Self-Awareness
Could the bonds in your closest relationships be holding you back instead of lifting you up? Join me as I unravel the intricate web of enmeshment that can blur boundaries and obscure individuality in the relationships we cherish most. This episode sheds light on how these dynamics differ from healthy relationships, where respect and mutual enjoyment reign, fostering individuality rather than dependency.
Discover the nuances between enmeshment and codependency as we untangle the emotional struggles that can lead to isolation and loss of self-identity. By examining both romantic and familial ties, hear how enmeshment can creep into your life, and the challenges that arise when trying to establish boundaries. Don't forget to like, subscribe, and engage with our community as we navigate the road to empowerment and independence.
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Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 22nd episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. Today's episode we're going to be focusing on enmeshment. If you have a moment, it would be helpful if you could like and subscribe to the podcast, or maybe leave a comment, so it's going to be easier for others who might benefit to find me. Don't forget to follow me so you don't miss any future episodes.
Speaker 1:I haven't been very active on social media up until now, mostly because I've tried to steer away from it in the past, but I'm trying to get with the times and figure this out. So I'm now on Instagram and Facebook and I'm ready to go. So you're welcome to follow me. On Facebook, I'm Dr Angela Downey and on Instagram I'm Dr Angela Downey. All one word Also for the month of December. I'm going to be setting up a journaling challenge. I'm going to be sending out daily prompts for you to incorporate into your daily journaling. The prompts will all be geared towards getting you set up for the new year and reflecting on what you might want to work on in the new year. To receive these prompts, you can send an email to codependentdoctor at gmailcom, and codependent is C-O-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T doctor at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:Today's topic is enmeshment. It's a complicated concept that has so many implications. This podcast was really difficult for me and it was hard to explore, and it brought up a lot of challenging and difficult feelings for me. I'm just going to start by defining enmeshment and give a few examples that some of you might be able to relate to.
Speaker 1:Enmeshment is when people are so involved in each other's lives that they lose their own sense of independence. They feel responsible for each other's emotions and choices, making it hard to set boundaries, and this can often lead to feeling guilty or anxious when trying to make personal decisions. Enmeshment is like being too close, where each person feels that they can't be their own person without affecting the other person. Some key features of enmeshment can include having blurred boundaries, where there's little distinction between where one person ends and the other person begins. This can make it hard for people to identify their own needs and emotions. There's a lack of individuality Personal decisions might be influenced or controlled by the other person, causing a loss of self-identity.
Speaker 1:In enmeshed relationships, people may feel responsible for each other's happiness and well-being to an excessive degree. Enmeshed individuals might feel guilty or anxious when they try to separate or if they try to assert independence or make decisions without the other person's involvement. People in enmeshed relationships often depend on each other to feel secure or validated, which can create challenges when one person wants to set boundaries or become autonomous. A major sign of enmeshment is feeling like you need the relationship in order to feel whole or secure, rather than simply wanting the relationship because it adds something positive to your life. The difference between need and want is essentially at the heart of enmeshment.
Speaker 1:When a relationship is healthy, each person has a sense of independence and self-worth. Outside of that relationship, they choose to be together out of a mutual respect and care and enjoyment, but they don't depend on each other to feel complete. This is the want side. Both people can grow separately and support each other without feeling responsible for the other's happiness. An example of this would be in a healthy relationship, each person might reach out to the other because they genuinely want to. They might talk once a week or even once a month, but when they do, there's no resentment over the time in between. One person might wish that they talked to the other person more often, but they don't get upset when it's been a while because they both have other positive things happening in their lives. With enmeshment, however, there's a strong sense of need. The individuals rely on each other emotionally in a way that feels almost essential for their well-being. They might feel incomplete, anxious or even guilty if they don't constantly connect or prioritize the other person. This neediness creates a dependency where each person's emotions, choices and identity become deeply intertwined with the others.
Speaker 1:I was listening to Dr Kenneth Adams speaking on a podcast and he said something that really resonated with me. He said dependency is built on obligation and loyalty is driven by guilt, and this really hit home for me. Enmeshment is something that I've experienced in my relationship with my mom, and that's why it made it so difficult for me to record this podcast. For a long time. We would talk every day, sometimes for hours, and we'd share just about everything together. She's been such a strong influence in my life and I came to rely on her for so much. Because of this closeness. I didn't really feel the need to reach out to other friends or anyone else as much. It made it so that I didn't need any other relationships, and it's only recently that I started to realize that, while my bond was really important and really strong with my mom, it may have actually had some impacts on my marriage.
Speaker 1:Now, there was a lot of factors in my marriage that made it challenging and ultimately led to me separating from my husband, and while this wasn't the main reason, I can now see that I would often be prioritizing my mom's feelings and thoughts and opinions over my partner's, and at time, I think my partner felt like he was competing for my attention, which wasn't fair to him. I had difficulty making my own decisions and would often rely on my mom to guide me, even though I was an adult and I should have been making those decisions for myself. There was a period when I felt a strong need to call my mom every morning and sometimes in the evenings, even when I wanted to do other things, like maybe listen to a podcast. Our calls had become such a habit that it felt hard to change. My mom would sometimes joke around about me being her little alarm clock and I knew that she really liked starting her day with our chats, but this made me feel responsible for keeping up that routine. I didn't feel like I could do other things without disappointing her. Now I love my mom and I still love talking with her, but I realized that I need a little bit more of a balance where our conversations happened because I wanted them to, not because I felt like I had to, and I've learned that a healthy relationship has space for each person to grow. So now when I talk to my mom, it's because I genuinely want to, and that's helped me feel more grounded in all of my relationships feel more grounded in all of my relationships. So a couple more examples of enmeshed relationships would be I love to travel and on a recent business trip to Vancouver I planned to catch up with some friends. I only had one free evening, but one of my close friends had a standing dinner that night, as her family gathers every Sunday. She really wanted to join us and felt torn, but she didn't feel like she could miss dinner because her dad would be upset with her. So she even went so far as to invite me to join her for family dinner. But I was really hoping for a night out with just the girls and we would be reminiscing and over dinner in a restaurant. In the end she ended up going to her family dinner and it wasn't because she wanted to. She went because she felt like she had to. She felt like she didn't have any other choice.
Speaker 1:Imagine a couple who feels like they can't do anything separately. If one partner wants to go out with friends or take a trip with someone else, the other partner might feel hurt or abandoned. So they start doing everything as a pair, even activities that one person isn't even interested in. Over time they stop seeing friends and doing hobbies that they used to enjoy doing alone. They might even feel lost if they're apart for too long, relying on each other for all of their happiness. Think of when a parent gets too involved in their child's sports. They might see the child's wins or losses as their own. This can lead to things like yelling at referees coaching too much from the sidelines or reacting strongly to how their child plays. In these situations, the parent's feelings depend on how well their child is doing and the child might feel pressured to perform just to keep their parent happy, and this makes it hard for the child to enjoy the sport for themselves, which is a key sign of enmeshment.
Speaker 1:You might have an enmeshed parent-child relationship if your parents are overly involved in your life and make comments like I don't know what I'd do without you. You're the only one who understands me. I need you to call me every day so I know you're okay. Otherwise I worry too much. I just don't feel right when you're not here. It's like a piece of me is missing. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. Let me help you decide what's best. Why would you keep things from me? I thought we shared everything. You should have married that person. They were perfect for you. You shouldn't be a doctor. You would be so much happier being a nurse. Instead, you shouldn't be friends with that person. They're not good for you.
Speaker 1:You might be in an enmeshed relationship with your partner if they make comments like I don't know what I'd do if you left me. I'd be completely alone. It hurts me when you don't include me in all your plans. I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other. Why wouldn't you tell me something like that? I need to know where you are at all times. It's just because I care. If you don't open up to me about everything, I feel like you're shutting me out.
Speaker 1:Codependency and enmeshment are related but not interchangeable. They overlap in some ways, but each has unique characteristics. Enmeshment is more about the relationship itself, lacking boundaries, while codependency is about behaviors and patterns, especially the need to be needed. Enmeshment can create the foundation for codependency, but codependency extends beyond enmeshment, with a focus on fixing and rescuing others to feel valuable. They are similar in that both involve unclear boundaries where people are overly involved in each other's lives, feelings and decisions. In both, people can lose their sense of individuality while prioritizing someone else's needs and emotions over their own. Both can create a resilience on one another to feel validated, happy or fulfilled rather than developing internal sources of self-worth. But they also have differences.
Speaker 1:Enmeshment refers to a relationship dynamic where boundaries are so blurred that people's identities and emotional lives become intertwined. It's common in family relationships where everyone feels like they must share the same thoughts, emotions or values. A parent and child might have such a close bond that they share every detail of their lives, assuming that they feel the same way about everything, and feel uncomfortable making decisions without the other person's approval. If the child is sad, the parent feels sad too, as if their own emotions are tied to the child's. Here the focus is on emotional closeness and shared identity rather than on fixing or rescuing each other.
Speaker 1:Codependency is a behavioral pattern often rooted in enmeshment, but extends to focusing on rescuing or fixing others. A codependent person feels compelled to help others at their own expense, often choosing partners, friends or family members who need them to the point of dependence. A woman in a romantic relationship might feel responsible for solving all of her partner's problems, even at her own expense. She might go out of her way to take care of him, covering for him at work or handling his finances, even if it causes her stress or financial issues. Her sense of self-worth is tied to his need for her help, so she continues rescuing him, even when it's harmful for her well-being. Enmeshment generally happens within family systems or close relationships without necessarily having the helper role as the primary focus. It's more about the lack of independence. Codependency is more about trying to be needed, often choosing relationships that reinforce a caretaker role, where one person's sense of purpose is tied to managing another person's life or emotions.
Speaker 1:In enmeshed relationships, people often run into a lot of challenges. When everything revolves around the other person, it's easy to lose track of who you are outside the relationship. Your own interests, goals and needs get pushed aside. Boundaries are blurred, making it hard to say no or focus on what you need. There's often a sense of obligation to meet the other person's expectations, which can be exhausting. People in enmeshed relationships depend heavily on each other for emotional support, so it's tough to feel okay or secure without constant reassurance from that person. Trying to be independent can bring up guilt and anxiety. You worry about hurting or disappointing the other person just by doing your own thing and anxiety. You worry about hurting or disappointing the other person just by doing your own thing. Enmeshment can crowd out other relationships as well, so you might start to feel isolated or disconnected from friends and family. When someone becomes your whole life, a breakup or separation feels devastating. Without them, you might feel like you've lost everything, since so much of your identity and happiness depend on that relationship. When one person tries to set boundaries or create space, it can lead to arguments or hurt feelings, as the other person might feel abandoned or rejected.
Speaker 1:Making changes in an enmeshed relationship can be really challenging, especially because the other person is likely not going to be too thrilled about it. When you start to set boundaries and focus on your own needs, it can feel uncomfortable for both of you. But here's the thing Creating healthier boundaries doesn't mean that you have to cut that person right out of your life. It just means redefining the relationship so that it works better for you and, potentially, for both of you. One of the hardest parts of stepping back is dealing with the feelings of guilt and anxiety. In enmeshed relationships, you might feel responsible for the other person's emotions. Setting boundaries might feel like you've let them down or that you're being selfish, even though prioritizing your needs is healthy.
Speaker 1:Let's say that you're used to calling a family member every single day. You enjoy the chats, but sometimes you need a break. When you try to skip a call, they might say something like why didn't you call me? Are you mad at me or don't you like me anymore? And instead of feeling guilty, you can gently explain I need some time for myself, but I'll still call you a couple times a week. Imagine you have a friend who's constantly asking for favors. You want to help, but it's starting to wear on you. If you start saying no, then that person might push back, saying I thought you were always there for me. You could potentially respond with something like I care about you, but I need to take care of my own needs too. If your family expects you to come over for dinner every Sunday, but you're starting to feel overwhelmed when you decide to take a Sunday off, they might say we're counting on you to be here. You're part of the family. You might reply with something like I love spending time together, but I also need time to recharge. I'll join you sometimes, but I'm not going to be able to join you every week.
Speaker 1:When you start making these changes, the other person is likely not going to like it. They've grown so used to that closeness and might feel hurt or confused or even potentially resentful. They might say things that trigger guilt or pressure, hoping that you'll go back to the way that things were. This reaction can make it harder for you to stick to your boundaries. You might hear things like why are you distancing yourself? Don't you care about me anymore, after everything I've done for you. This is how you repay me. You're only thinking about yourself, or since when do you need me time? I suggest that you memorize a few replies that you can use in situations like this, because in the spur of the moment, it can be easy to fall back into some of your old patterns. So having a few replies can be very helpful. You could say something like I understand that this is new and it might seem unexpected. Taking time for myself helps me recharge and it's something that I'm trying to be more intentional about.
Speaker 1:It's not about taking anything away from a relationship. Setting boundaries is a skill that takes practice, especially if it's something that's new to the relationship. You might struggle to find the right words or worry about seeming distant or unkind. This new approach can feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. If you're nervous about setting boundaries in person, then consider expressing them in a letter. This allows the other person time to process before responding, and eventually you're going to need to talk about these things openly. But sometimes having time to process these things is better in the long run.
Speaker 1:In enmeshed relationships, your identity often becomes wrapped up in the other person and as you start pulling back, it might feel disorienting or even lonely. You need to rediscover who you are on your own terms, which can sometimes take time and a lot of self-reflection. So think about activities that you enjoy or hobbies that you may have put aside. Try taking a class, picking up an old hobby or exploring something new that's meaningful to you. Setting small, achievable goals for yourself, like maybe reading a certain number of books this year or learning a new skill. Try working towards a fitness milestone. All these can help rebuild confidence and they will give you a sense of purpose.
Speaker 1:Carve out moments to be alone without distractions. You can try journaling, going for a walk or having a quiet time at home, and all these can help you get comfortable with your own thoughts and feelings, and they're going to allow you to tune into what you need and what you want. Try spending time with friends, family or colleagues who bring out different aspects of your personality. Try practice setting boundaries. Talk to a therapist, join a support group. This is a chance for you to learn about yourself and to find a balance in your life. Take time to do this and really kind of explore who you are. You probably haven't had much of a chance to do that over the last couple of years.
Speaker 1:Being enmeshed in a relationship is often comfortable, even if it's unhealthy. So change is going to feel very disruptive. The relationship has settled into a rhythm and when one person shifts it can really unsettle both of you. Accept that it's going to take some time for both of you to adjust to new boundaries and to a more balanced way of relating. So imagine a couple who's been dancing together for years. Over time, one person has learned to follow the other steps and they're matching their moves perfectly. They know the rhythm by heart, even though it's not always the most fun or comfortable for them. It's just what they've grown used to. But when one person decides to start changing things up, they might change the beat, they might change the steps. Suddenly, the dance is feeling really awkward and completely out of sync. The other person is likely going to be feeling thrown off and not knowing how to match these new moves. This isn't about disrupting the dance entirely. It's about each person finding their own rhythm while still staying connected. With time, and with a little adjustment, they can create a new way of dancing together, one that feels better for both of them and lets each person move more freely.
Speaker 1:Over time, old habits might try to creep back in, especially if the other person pushes against the new boundaries. Staying consistent and reminding yourself why these changes are important can help you stay on track. Having outside support can make this easier and keep you grounded. In the end, these adjustments aren't about cutting someone out of your life. They're about reshaping the relationship to support a healthier balance. Although it might be challenging at first, setting these boundaries can ultimately make the relationship stronger and allow you to feel more grounded and fulfilled.
Speaker 1:So this is all that I have for you this week, but before I share some self-reflection exercises, I'd love for you to take a moment and follow me on Facebook at Dr Angela Downey, and on Instagram at Dr Angela Downey. All one word. You can also sign up for my journaling challenge for the month of December by emailing me at codependentdoctor at gmailcom, and we can get ready for the new year together. So here are some self-reflection exercises for this week. If you'd like to do some journal work.
Speaker 1:Ask yourself what do I need or want that I might not be expressing. List your needs and wants separately from what you think the other person might want. Reflect on whether you feel free to express your needs without guilt. Write about who you are outside of the relationship. What makes you you? Think about your hobbies, interests, values and dreams. How often do you make time for these parts of yourself? Think about what a balanced relationship would feel like to you. What would change? How would you or the other person interact differently? Visualizing this balance can help clarify what you're working towards.
Speaker 1:Spend a few days tracking your decisions or interactions with the person you feel enmeshed with. Write about whether these choices aligned more with your needs or with theirs. How often do you compromise your own desires? Choose one small, specific boundary that you can set in this relationship. Write about why this boundary matters to you, what you hope that it's going to bring to your life and any fears or resistance that you feel about setting it.
Speaker 1:I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to meet you here, probably next week, for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, where I'm going to be talking about different attachment styles. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me, and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 9-1-1 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the codependent doctor. We can do this together.