Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Exploring the Impact of Attachment Styles
Unlock the secrets of your relationship dynamics as we take a deep dive into the world of attachment styles. Ever wondered why some relationships feel secure while others are filled with uncertainty? Join us as we explore the foundations laid by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, tracing how our earliest bonds with caregivers shape our adult connections. Discover how understanding these patterns can empower you to break free from generational cycles and foster healthier, more secure attachments. This episode offers not just insights but a promise of transformation, guiding you towards more fulfilling relationships and a deeper sense of self-awareness.
As we journey through the intricacies of secure and anxious attachment styles, you'll find yourself reflecting on your own relationship patterns. Through personal anecdotes and reflections, we shed light on emotional intelligence and the importance of self-awareness as cornerstones of personal growth. Whether you're navigating the emotional roller coaster of an anxious attachment or striving for the balance of a secure one, this discussion promises to enhance your understanding and inspire positive change. Remember, self-improvement is a continuous journey, and while this podcast provides guidance, seeking professional help when necessary is crucial. Tune in for an episode that's both enlightening and empowering, and embark on a journey towards healthier, more balanced connections.
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Have you ever felt anxious in your relationship, always needing reassurance that everything's okay? Or maybe you're the opposite you need space and tend to pull back when things start to get serious. Or maybe you found yourself dating people who seem clingy or struggle with commitment. Today we're diving deep into attachment styles what they mean, how they shape our relationships and how knowing your style can actually help you build stronger, healthier connections. So let's get into it. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 23rd episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. Today's episode we're going to be focusing on attachment styles. Thank you to all of you who've started to register for my 31-day journaling challenge, starting on December the 1st. It's a great way to mentally prepare yourself for the new year ahead and what you might want to work on. If you'd like to register to receive daily journaling prompts throughout the month of December, you can email me at codependentdoctor at gmailcom or contact me through my website at thecodependentdoctorcom.
Speaker 1:I wanted to do an episode on attachment styles because we're seeing these terms pop up all over social media. I'm always a little reluctant to put people into categories, especially with something as complex as attachment styles. Sure, labels like anxious, avoidant, secure and disorganized can help us understand certain patterns in relationships, but they also can lead to some issues if we're not careful. These labels can oversimplify who we are. We're complex beings and our relationships are complex as well. When we're told that we have certain attachment styles, it's easy to start viewing everything through that lens and even reinforcing it. For example, if you think that you're anxious, you might start interpreting normal relationship struggles as proof of that anxiety, which can become a self-fulfilling cycle. Labels can also cause issues in relationships. It's tempting to blame a problem on someone being avoidant or anxious rather than looking at the bigger picture. Relationships can be a mix of dynamics, different personalities, different experiences. So when we rely too heavily on these labels, we miss out on understanding the whole story. Attachment styles can also change over time and with different experiences. Just because you learn one way doesn't mean that you're stuck there. If we hold on too tightly to these categories, then we can risk overlooking growth and positive traits that you might have or situational factors that play a huge role in how we connect with others. So while attachment styles can be useful as tools, I think it's important to stay flexible and open to change.
Speaker 1:Attachment styles start forming when we're really young, based on how we connect with our caregivers. Imagine a baby that's trying to figure out the world. If their parents or caregivers are consistent and loving and respond to their needs, the baby learns to feel secure. They start to think people are there for me when I need them, feel secure. They start to think people are there for me when I need them, and this early experience can lead to a secure attachment style where they feel comfortable getting close to others and trusting people. But not every kid has that steady support. Some kids grow up with caregivers who are sometimes there, but sometimes not, like a bad Wi-Fi signal. That's almost good enough. Sometimes it's strong and dependable and other times it just flakes out and disappears. Maybe parents are there and loving one day, but distracted or unavailable the next. Some caregivers are consistently distant or even discouraging when it comes to showing emotions.
Speaker 1:These attachment styles often get passed down through generations almost like a family heirloom, but instead of an object, it's a way of relating to others. This happens because the way that we're raised impacts how we learn to connect and how we bring those same patterns into our relationships, including how we parent. Generational patterns like these are often unconscious. We usually don't recognize them because they're just how it's always been. But when we understand our own attachment style, we get a chance to break that cycle. By doing the work to become more secure in our attachments, we can change the way that we connect with those around us, and that shift can have a ripple effect impacting not just ourselves but future generations too.
Speaker 1:Attachment styles were first developed by John Bowlby, who figured that the way that we connect with our caregivers as kids will impact how we relate to others. Later on, in the 1970s, his student, mary Ainsworth ran an experiment called Strange Situation, where she observed how babies reacted when their moms left and when they came back, and it's based on these babies' reactions that she identified three main attachment styles secure, anxious and avoidant. Later on, researchers added a fourth style called disorganized, and this was for kids, who showed a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, usually due to inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving. And these styles help explain why some of us feel totally comfortable with closeness, while others might feel anxious or prefer to keep their distance. It all starts with those early bonds.
Speaker 1:People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They trust others easily and are good with balancing time with loved ones and time on their own. Think of them as the folks who don't mind texting first, but also don't panic if they don't hear back right away. Anxiously attached people crave closeness and reassurance. They're the ones who might read into texts or worry if someone's a little slow to respond. It's like they're always checking the emotional weather forecast to make sure that everything's sunny. Avoidantly attached people like their space and tend to feel a little suffocated. With too much closeness. They might keep relationships at an arm's length, kind of like yeah, I like you, but don't get too cozy over there. People with a disorganized attachment style often want closeness but also feel nervous about it. It's a bit of a mix, like being at the buffet where you want to have a little bit of everything, but you're also afraid to commit to one plate.
Speaker 1:Most of us don't go through life labeling ourselves like anxious or avoidant life labeling ourselves like anxious or avoidant. We're just doing the best in our relationships and dealing with the ups and downs, sometimes feeling like things are chaotic and wondering why certain patterns keep repeating themselves. Maybe we keep finding ourselves with people who pull away when we try to get close, or we feel uncomfortable when a partner gets too emotionally invested. Often we don't connect these experiences with anything deeper. We just think why doesn't this ever work out for me? Deep down, most of us want a secure and steady relationship where we feel comfortable with closeness and independence. We crave that balance but don't always know how to achieve it, and getting there can take some time. For some it might feel like being secure is out of reach, and it's only something that other people get to experience is out of reach and it's only something that other people get to experience. But the truth is, understanding our attachment style and where it came from can be the first step in moving towards that balance. When we start to explore our attachment patterns and look back at how we were raised, it can be a huge aha moment.
Speaker 1:Our early experiences shaped the way that we approach relationships. If you grew up with parents and caregivers who were inconsistent, sometimes warm and sometimes distant, you might find yourself gravitating towards people who give mixed signals, trying to earn their attention. Or if closeness was overwhelming or even discouraged as a kid, you might instinctively pull back in adult relationships, maybe without even realizing it. Knowing your attachment style isn't about boxing yourself in. It's about gaining insight. Once you start recognizing why certain patterns keep showing up, it's easier to figure out what might help you feel more secure. For example, if you're more anxious, it might help to set boundaries around communication, to give yourself space to breathe before reacting. If you're avoidant, it can be about learning to share more with someone you trust so that closeness starts to feel more natural.
Speaker 1:Achieving that secure, balanced relationship we all crave doesn't happen overnight. It's a process of small, steady changes and learning to trust, to set boundaries and to know that it's okay to ask for what you need. The great thing is, by understanding our attachment style, we can begin to shift these patterns and make changes that help us connect more deeply and authentically. With time and self-awareness, we can move closer to having the healthy, secure relationship that we want. Having a secure relationship is like finally exhaling after holding your breath. It's the steady, reliable connection where you feel safe to be yourself without worrying about constant drama or guessing games.
Speaker 1:In a secure relationship, both people feel comfortable being close, but also have the freedom to do their own thing without anyone freaking out or feeling neglected. Imagine being able to say I need a night to myself without worrying that the other person is going to be hurt or offended. Or picture being able to address issues openly, knowing that neither of you is going to be ghosted or blow up. That's the beauty of secure relationship. Both people can handle the tough stuff without making each other feel guilty or unloved. In a secure relationship, there's a natural balance. You genuinely enjoy spending time together, but you'll also have your own lives, hobbies and friends. There's no clinging or pushing away. You're both in it because you want to be, not because you feel like you have to be. This kind of relationship is about trust, respect and mutual support, and it just feels stable. It's not perfect, but there's a deep confidence that, no matter what, you'll both be able to work through things together At the end of the day. A secure relationship is about feeling connected, yet free Free to be yourself, express your needs and know that you're with someone who has your back, without any emotional tug-of-war. It's a relationship where you can finally relax and enjoy the journey together.
Speaker 1:People who feel secure likely had parents who were loving, responsive and provided a consistent and safe environment. Parents are consistently responsive. When parents respond to a child's needs regularly and with care, whether the child is hungry, scared or just needs a cuddle. It teaches the child that they're safe and valued, and this reliability helps the child develop trust in others, knowing that people will be there for them. These parents encourage exploration, and secure attachment isn't about being glued together. It's about letting the child feel confident to explore. Parents who provide a safe base allow their child to explore the world, knowing that they can come back to the safety when they need to. This balance helps kids feel independent and secure in themselves.
Speaker 1:These parents show affection and positivity. Kids thrive when they feel genuinely loved and appreciated. Parents who show affection, warmth and encouragement help their kids feel valued and confident. This creates a sense of security where the child knows that they're loved just for being themselves. Secure parents model healthy boundaries. Secure attachments also involve healthy boundaries. Parents who respect their child's feelings, allow them to express themselves and model respectful interactions, are teaching them that boundaries are okay and that relationships don't have to be all-consuming. Secure parents also handle emotions calmly. Kids learn emotional regulation from their parents, so when parents handle emotions calmly, especially during meltdowns or conflicts, the child learns that emotions are safe and manageable. This teaches them how to deal with their feelings without fear or avoidance. Manageable this teaches them how to deal with their feelings without fear or avoidance.
Speaker 1:With anxiously attached relationships, it can feel a bit like riding an emotional roller coaster. There's a constant sense of wondering are we okay? And there's a need for reassurance that the other person cares. People in an anxious attachment often worry about whether their partner's feelings are as strong as theirs or if they're really as invested in the relationship. This can lead to things like checking your phone a lot, replaying conversations in your head or feeling uneasy if your partner doesn't reply quickly. In an anxious relationship, it's not that there's no love. There can actually be tons of it. It's just that there's also a bit of nervous energy, a feeling of needing to keep that connection close, to feel secure. Even small things like a partner. Not texting back right away or wanting a night to themselves can trigger a flood of what-ifs and do they still care? It can be exhausting to always feel like the relationship needs reassurance.
Speaker 1:If you're anxiously attached, you might need to seek reassurance, asking things like do you still love me or are we okay? Checking in several times a day, whether by text or by phone. Asking things like what are you up to? Frequently worrying about the future on a regular basis, do you still love me? Do you still want to be with me? Need physical or emotional closeness to feel like you're wanted. Apologize or take responsibility quickly saying things like I'm sorry if I did something to upset you. Just let me know if I did. Or I didn't mean to sound so needy, I just worry sometimes.
Speaker 1:The upside to anxiously attached people is that they're often deeply caring, emotionally tuned in and very committed. They genuinely love being close and put a lot of effort into making their partner feel valued. The challenge, though, is learning to feel secure without needing that constant validation from the other person. When this need for reassurance becomes overwhelming, it can lead to codependent behaviors where someone's sense of self-worth relies heavily on their partner's approval In codependency. This deep desire to feel close and valued can turn into a pattern of putting their partner's needs above their own, making it difficult to set boundaries or maintain independence. Anxiously attached people might find themselves overly focused on keeping the peace or avoid conflict, which can create a relationship where they feel more responsible for their partner's happiness than their own.
Speaker 1:As much as I'd love to believe that I'm the poster child for secure, much as I'd love to believe that I'm the poster child for secure attachment, I do have to admit that there are definitely some anxious traits lurking around in there. Anytime someone seems slightly upset, my brain goes into overdrive instantly, assuming that I've done something wrong, and I try to seek reassurance that everything is okay. In the past, I would get nervous when someone didn't reply to my text messages right away. My mind would go into full detective mode. I'd be like okay, maybe they're just busy or maybe they've decided to secretly hate me. Then, five minutes later, I'm convinced that they've thrown their phone into a lake just to avoid answering my calls.
Speaker 1:Rationally, I know that people have lives and don't hover over their phones 24-7, but try telling that to my lizard brain. Meanwhile, they're probably just napping or living their life like everyone else, I would often need to reel myself in and give myself a pep talk Okay, just take a breath. Not everything is about you. People are allowed to have bad days without you being the grand architect of their misery. I'm not as anxiously attached anymore because I've learned to be okay with people being upset with me, or at least I try to. They're allowed to feel that way and I know I can't control it. Do I want people to be mad at me? Not at all. It really stings, even if I did something bad that upset them. I can always work on fixing that and I trust that if the relationship is strong enough, it'll survive and we can work through it together. If I live my life always worrying that people will be mad at me, I'll never get anywhere. I'd end up holding myself back constantly, second-guessing every word and action, just to keep everyone happy. Life would feel like walking on eggshells and that's exhausting. At some point I need to let go of that fear and trust that people who matter will stick around, even if I mess up sometimes. Mistakes are a part of life and if I'm so busy trying to avoid upsetting people, I'm going to miss out on actually living my own life.
Speaker 1:Anxious attachment often develops when a child experiences inconsistent caregiving, where their parent or caregiver is sometimes responsible and attentive, but other times distant or unavailable. This unpredictability can create a sense of uncertainty and anxiety in the child. It's important to remember that parents who might be creating an anxious attachment style in their children were often raised the same way. They likely experienced inconsistent love and support themselves, so they learned to approach relationships with a mix of closeness and uncertainty. Without realizing it, they might be passing down those same patterns and feeling unsure about how much support to give, or unintentionally relying on their children for emotional reassurance. These patterns can be really hard to break, especially when they feel normal. Based on their own experiences in growing up, we don't know any different. Anxiously attached parents might have inconsistent responsiveness. When the parent is sometimes very attentive and nurturing, but other times distracted or emotionally unavailable, the child learns that love and support are unpredictable. This inconsistency can lead the child to worry about whether their needs will be met, making them more anxious about closeness and connection.
Speaker 1:Anxiously attached parents may be over-involved and dependent. Parents who are overly involved in their child's lives, constantly checking in or showing intense emotional reactions to the child's ups and downs, can create a sense of dependency. The child might grow up feeling responsible for their parents' emotions and struggle with boundaries, leading to an anxious detachment where they fear letting others down or being left out. The parent might be emotionally unpredictable when a caregiver's emotions fluctuate frequently, perhaps being loving one day and withdrawn the next. The child might become hyper-alert to the caregiver's mood, trying to adapt to fix things to get the caregiver's affection. This dynamic can make them anxious and unsure in relationships, always seeking reassurance. The parent may use guilt or pressure. If a parent uses guilt to influence their child's actions, like if you really loved me, you'd stay home with me, or after all I've done for you, fill in the blank. The child might learn to associate love with obligation. This can lead to anxiety in relationships as an adult where they feel they must earn love or constantly seek validation.
Speaker 1:Parents might have unclear boundaries. If a parent has unclear or overly blurred boundaries, such as relying on the child for emotional support, the child might grow up feeling insecure about when and how to be independent. This can create an anxious attachment style where they're unsure if it's safe to be themselves or if they must prioritize the needs of others to maintain closeness. These dynamics can leave children feeling uncertain and anxious about relationships as they grow up. It leads them to crave closeness while fearing abandonment or rejection. This attachment style is rooted in a desire for security and stability, but often involve a pattern of seeking constant reassurance.
Speaker 1:On the opposite end of the spectrum is avoidant attachment. Having an avoidant attachment style in a relationship can feel like you're always keeping one foot out the door. People with this style genuinely like being close to others. They just want it on their own terms. They enjoy the relationship, but too much closeness can feel stifling, so they might start creating space when things get a little too cozy. It's not that they don't care, they just find independence super important and need a lot of personal space. They're like the I'm here for you, but I also really like my alone time kind of partner. So while they may love their partner, they're not into being joined at the hip or talking about feelings 24-7. In an avoidantly attached relationship, one partner might reach out for closeness while the avoidant partner gently or sometimes not so gently holds them at arm's length. It's like a little dance of I love you, but don't get too close. This dynamic can work, but it takes some understanding. Avoidantly attached. People do best when they find ways to open up a bit without feeling trapped With time and trust. Even someone with avoidant tendencies can learn to lean into connection just at a pace that feels comfortable for them.
Speaker 1:Avoidant attachment often develops when a child's caregivers are emotionally distant, unresponsive or if they discourage emotional expression. Avoidant parents are emotionally unavailable. When caregivers are regularly emotionally distant or unresponsive to a child's needs, the child might learn that expressing emotions isn't effective. They start to rely on themselves, thinking I can't count on others for comfort, and they grow up avoiding emotional closeness. Parents might discourage emotional expression. If caregivers discourage or dismiss displays of emotion, saying things like don't cry or be strong or toughen up, the child learns to hide their feelings. This can lead to a pattern of self-reliance and emotional distance. As they come to believe that showing vulnerability isn't acceptable, they might have high expectations for independence. Parents who expect their children to be highly independent from a young age, often without the warmth to balance it, can unintentionally foster avoidant attachment. The child may feel pressure to handle things on their own, which can carry into adult relationships as a preference for distance or independence. There is inconsistent comfort and support If a caregiver is sometimes comforting but often unavailable or dismissive. The child might start to rely less on them and more on themselves. Over time, they learn to downplay their needs, feeling that it's safer to avoid depending on others. In adult relationships, avoidantly attached people often value independence over closeness and they might struggle with emotional intimacy, even though they still care deeply about others.
Speaker 1:After listening to all this, you might be telling yourself that you fit either into the anxious category or the avoiding category, but it's important to remember that attachment isn't set in stone. It's more like a starting point to understanding our unique patterns and relationships. These attachment styles aren't life sentences. They're just tools to help us understand our relationship patterns and give us a foundation to grow from. The more we know about our style, the better we can work toward healthy and secure connections. So, whether you identify as anxious or avoidant or secure or somewhere in between, this is all about awareness. Attachment styles are part of who we are, but they don't define us. They're clues that can help you understand yourself and your relationship, no matter where you're starting from. Self-compassion and a willingness to learn can help you build the connections that you're looking for. Here are some self-reflection exercises for this week if you would like to do some journal work.
Speaker 1:How do I feel about closeness and intimacy in relationships? Do I generally feel comfortable with it or does it make me feel uneasy? When I feel anxious or insecure in a relationship, how do I usually react? What thoughts or behaviors come up? What qualities did my primary caregiver show me about love and connection when I was young? How do I think that affects my relationships now? Do I find myself needing constant reassurance in relationships, or do I prefer more independence and space? Why do I think that is what do I look for in a relationship to feel safe and secure? Are these needs being met in my current relationship? When I sense conflict or distance in a relationship, what's my first instinct? Do I pull away? Do I seek reassurance, or do I try to fix things immediately? How would my ideal secure relationship look like? What qualities or behaviors would it include, and how can I work towards creating that in my life?
Speaker 1:I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I will meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'm going to be talking about emotional intelligence. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.