Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Unlocking Emotional Intelligence: Navigating Emotions for Healthier Relationships
Unlock the secret to transforming your personal and professional relationships through the power of emotional intelligence. Discover how building self-awareness can be the first step towards understanding and managing your emotions effectively. Our discussion focuses on how many people unknowingly internalize blame and self-doubt, leading to a dismissal of their own feelings. Through practical guidance and personal stories, learn how identifying and naming your emotions can empower you to advocate for yourself and set healthy boundaries.
Join us as we delve into the art of managing emotions and practicing empathy to forge deeper connections. Learn how to create space between feeling and reacting, ensuring that your emotions don't take control. Don't forget to subscribe and share this episode to spread the benefits of emotional intelligence.
Subscribe to my newsletter for more information on when my new workbook, Enough As I Am, will be available on Amazon.
If you're interested in a list of books that I recommend to help you on your journey you can request it by clicking on the link in my show notes.
📘 Download my suggested reading list of codependency books Here
📰 Sign up for my newsletter Here
❤️ Are you codependent? Take a Codependency Quiz, https://thecodependentdoctor.com/quiz/
✨Please contact me for any questions, comments or ideas for future episodes at codependentdoctor@gmail.com
📺 YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@thecodependentdoctor
👀 Website: www.thecodependentdoctor.com
☀️ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drangeladowney/
🍒Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61558437886042
🎵 Music: Touching the Air by Graceful Movement - https://www.premiumbeat.com/
Emotional intelligence. It's a phrase we hear all the time, but what does it really mean and why does it matter so much? In this episode, we're diving into the power of emotional intelligence the ability to understand and manage our emotions, connect with others and navigate life's ups and downs with empathy and grace. Whether you're looking to improve your relationships, handle stress better or just feel more in control of your reactions, emotional intelligence is the secret ingredient and, the best part, it's something that you can develop and grow, no matter where you're starting from in life or what situation. So let's unpack what emotional intelligence is all about and how it can change the way you see yourself and the world around you. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 24th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. Today's episode will be focusing on emotional intelligence. Thank you to all who've started to register for my 31-day journaling challenge starting on December 1st. I'm getting really excited about it. It's a great way to mentally prepare yourself for the new year ahead and what you might want to work on. If you'd like to register to receive daily journaling prompts throughout the month of December, you can email me at codependentdoctor at gmailcom. Codependent is spelled C-O-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, so codependentdoctor at gmailcom or contact me through my website at thecodependentdoctorcom. Also, if you have any questions or topics that you'd like me to address on the show, I would love to hear from you. You can contact me through my email, once again at codependentdoctor at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:I was recently reading this book about how to be a successful leader and it brought up something that really stuck with me Emotional intelligence. They were talking about how it's the key to being a great leader, but then I started thinking. Emotional intelligence isn't just important for leadership. It's actually a game changer for navigating all of our relationships. Think about it. Whether it's with your partner, your friends, your kids or even that coworker who drives you a little crazy, emotional intelligence is what helps us handle those tricky little moments. It's what allows us to understand what we're feeling, manage those emotions and even tune in to what others around you might be going through. And let's be real, life throws a lot at us, so having that skill set can make all the difference. So if we want to be better leaders, partners or just humans in general, investing in our emotional intelligence is super important. It's a no-brainer right. It's the ultimate life hack and the best part is that it's something that we can actually work on and get better at over time.
Speaker 1:Emotional intelligence is basically being smart about our feelings. It's about understanding emotions and using them to make better decisions and connect with people. Here are the basics of emotional intelligence, first one being self-awareness. So know your own emotions. You've got to know what's going on inside you. Are you mad, sad? You've got to know what's going on inside you. Are you mad, sad, stressed, maybe excited? Sometimes we're so busy that we don't even stop to ask ourselves what we're feeling. Try asking yourself a couple times a day how am I feeling right now and why? It's like checking the weather. Only it's your internal weather.
Speaker 1:The second step is self-regulation. Learn to manage your feelings. Once you know how you're feeling. The next step is managing it. It doesn't mean ignoring your feelings or shoving them down. It means handling them in a way that's healthy. So let's say you're super angry, maybe you step outside, take a walk or take some deep breaths instead of yelling. It's about taking a pause before you react.
Speaker 1:The third step is empathy. Pay attention to other people's feelings. Now we can look outward. It's about understanding what other people might be feeling, even if they're not saying it outright. Like if a friend seems quiet, maybe they're upset or overwhelmed. Just being aware of that and saying hey, are you okay? Can make a huge difference. People feel seen and that's powerful.
Speaker 1:The fourth step is social skills building better connections. Emotional intelligence also helps you build stronger relationships. It's about listening, being open and communicating in a way that makes people feel valued. It's not about winning arguments. It's making connections. For example, instead of jumping in with advice when someone is venting, just say that sounds really tough, tell me more. Sometimes people just need to feel heard, staying motivated. A big part of emotional intelligence is staying motivated even when things are tough. It's about having a sense of purpose or something that keeps you moving forward. When you're emotionally intelligent, you can tap into your feelings to push through challenges instead of letting them hold you back.
Speaker 1:Emotional intelligence isn't something we're just born with, like eye color or height. It's more like a muscle. It's there, but it only gets stronger if you work on it. And if it gets beaten up by people around you, the muscle is going to become bruised and won't work as well. Some people might naturally be more in tune with emotions, but for most of us it's something that we learn and work on over time. So just think about it as babies we don't know how to manage emotions. When we're upset, we cry. When we're happy, we smile and giggle and that's it. But as we grow, the people around us so our parents, teachers, friends they start to shape how we handle our feelings. If someone says it's okay to feel angry, but let's talk about it instead of yelling, that's a lesson in emotional intelligence right there.
Speaker 1:But not everyone gets taught these skills growing up. Maybe you grew up in a house where feelings weren't talked about or where you were told to just toughen up. That can make emotional intelligence harder to develop. When you're raised in a household with lots of conflict, addictions or codependency, emotions are either explosive or completely ignored. Maybe anger turned into shouting matches or silent treatments, or sadness was swept under the rug with a get-over-it kind of attitude. When you're exposed to that, you don't get to see what healthy emotional regulation looks like like talking through your feelings calmly or finding constructive ways to cope. Instead, you might learn to either suppress your feelings or let them take over, neither of which helps you develop emotional intelligence. It's like being handed the wrong set of tools to fix a problem. No wonder it feels so hard to navigate your emotions later in life In these chaotic family environments.
Speaker 1:So much energy is spent managing the chaos. The focus is often on the person causing the most trouble keeping them happy, avoiding their triggers or cleaning up after their messes. When all the attention is on someone else's needs, yours can get completely sidelined. You might grow up feeling invisible or like emotions don't matter. And if you were constantly in survival mode, trying to predict other people's reactions just to stay safe? That's hyper-focus on their emotions and that's not real empathy. It's a defense mechanism, true empathy where you genuinely connect with others' feelings can feel foreign or exhausting when you didn't grow up with it modeled for you.
Speaker 1:Dysfunctional households are a big risk for poor boundaries. Maybe you had to grow up too fast acting like the parent in the house, or you were constantly guilted into fixing problems that weren't yours to fix, or maybe your personal boundaries, like needing privacy or saying no, were completely ignored. When boundaries don't exist, it's hard to develop the skills to set them later in life. Healthy emotional intelligence thrives when you can separate your emotions from others, but if you are raised to think that your feelings and responsibilities are tied to someone else's behavior, you might struggle to even know where you end and they begin. There's often no consistency. One day everything's fine, the next it's a total meltdown. Maybe you were told to be honest, then punished for speaking up, or you were reassured that everything's okay or everything's fine, even when it clearly wasn't.
Speaker 1:This kind of emotional whiplash can make it hard to trust your instincts or even understand your own feelings. Have you ever questioned your own feelings, were you asking? Am I overreacting? Am I being too sensitive? What's wrong with me? Should I even say anything? Is this really my fault? Am I imagining this? Why can't I just let this go? Why does this keep happening to me? Do I deserve this?
Speaker 1:You start to wonder if you were somehow better, quieter, smarter, less demanding things wouldn't be so hard. You might start believing that you're the problem. It's a subtle but powerful feeling that can shape how you let others treat you or how you advocate for yourself. These kinds of thoughts can profoundly affect your self-awareness and your ability to trust your feelings, because they lead you to doubt your own worth and instincts. It creates a disoriented view of yourself. Instead of recognizing that the dysfunction in your environment isn't your fault, you internalize it. This makes it harder to see your true self, separate from the chaos. You might not even recognize your own needs or feelings because you're so focused on how to fix yourself to make others happy. For example, if you're upset, instead of asking why am I feeling this way, you might jump to I must be overreacting again and dismiss your emotions altogether. Over time, this habit of pushing down your feelings can leave you disconnected from them entirely, making self-awareness nearly impossible.
Speaker 1:Believing that you're the problem also erodes your ability to trust your instincts. If you've internalized the idea that you're too demanding or too sensitive, you might automatically invalidate your emotions. Let's say, someone crosses a boundary and you feel hurt. Instead of thinking, well, that wasn't okay and I have the right to feel upset. You might think maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing and I shouldn't be feeling this way. That constant self-doubt makes you second-guess everything. It's like putting a filter on your emotions that says you're wrong, no matter what all the time. Over time, you lose trust in your ability to understand or interpret your feelings accurately, which makes it harder to make decisions, set boundaries or stand up for yourself when you believe you're inherently flawed. Speaking up for your needs or standing your ground can feel almost impossible. You might think. Why would anyone listen to me? I'm probably wrong anyway. This can lead to a pattern of staying silent, even when you're hurt or uncomfortable, because advocating for yourself feels like an uphill battle that you're not equipped to win.
Speaker 1:Emotional intelligence starts with self-awareness, which means being able to recognize and understand your emotions. It's the foundation for everything else managing your emotions, empathizing with others and building strong relationships. But when you grow up in a chaotic or unpredictable environment, like a household full of conflict or addictions or neglect, self-awareness can be a real struggle. Emotions can almost feel dangerous. If expressing your feelings led to arguments, rejections or punishment, you might have learned to bury your emotions just to survive and over time you might stop even noticing what you're feeling because acknowledging it felt too risky, instead of thinking I'm upset because that was unfair. You might think I'm upset, but I don't know why, and I probably shouldn't be upset at all. Without self-awareness, it's harder to pinpoint the why behind your feelings. For instance, you might feel angry but not realize that it's because someone crossed your boundaries, or you might feel anxious without recognizing that it's tied to growing up in an unpredictable environment where you never felt safe. This disconnect makes it difficult to manage emotions effectively, which is a core skill of emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1:The great thing about emotional intelligence is that it's not something that you either have or you don't have. It's not like a genetic trait, like the size of your nose or having webbed toes. It's a skill that you can actually work on and improve over time, no matter where you're starting from. So maybe you didn't grow up in an environment where emotions were talked about or handled well. That's totally okay. You can still learn. So let's work on developing our emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1:Step one was starting with self-awareness. Self-awareness is the foundation of emotional intelligence. It's all about getting curious about your emotions. Most of us go through the day on autopilot reacting to things without stopping to ask wait, what's really going on with me right now, for example, if you're feeling irritated, instead of brushing it off or snapping at someone, try asking yourself why do I feel this way? Did something happen or am I just tired? Am I distressed? Even just naming your feelings, like saying I feel annoyed, helps you take control.
Speaker 1:A few years ago, a friend of mine came over to my house and made an offhanded comment about how messy my kids were. Was it true? Absolutely. That day. There was stuff everywhere, nothing was in the dishwasher and the table was covered in all their school projects. But even though it was true, her comment made me really angry. Now, instead of brushing it off or addressing it directly, I spent the rest of the day being really snippy with her and making passive, aggressive comments and honestly, that didn't get me anywhere. But back then that was my default way of handling situations like this. At the time, I didn't realize why I was reacting the way I was. I just knew that I was upset and that I was lashing out. It took me hours to figure out the real reason that I was so angry and hurt.
Speaker 1:When she commented on the mess, what I heard wasn't just about the state of the house. What I heard was a judgment about me as a mother. Her words triggered this deep insecurity that I had about whether or not I was doing enough to teach my kids responsibility. I felt really defensive, like I was being accused of failing as a parent. And when I felt that way, my knee-jerk reaction was to try to hurt her back in subtle kind of passive-aggressive ways. Looking back, sure, maybe she shouldn't have made that comment on my kids' messiness. It wasn't the most thoughtful thing to say. But the real lesson for me wasn't about her comment, it was about my response. I had to face the fact that my defensiveness and anger came from my own insecurities, not from anything that she intended to do.
Speaker 1:That realization was a big step towards self-awareness, and here's why this matters. Self-awareness is about stopping and asking what am I really feeling here and why? In that moment I was too caught up in my emotions to recognize what was actually happening. But later I realized my reaction had little to do with my friend's comment and everything to do with how I felt about myself as a parent. That's the power of emotional intelligence it helps you dig deeper and see the truth behind your feelings and take responsibility for your actions. So the next time someone says something that stings, pause for a second and ask yourself what's really going on here and why does this bother me so much? Because once you understand your emotions, you can respond in a way that strengthens your relationship instead of creating distance, and, trust me, it feels so much better than being snippy and passive-aggressive all day.
Speaker 1:The next step is to practice managing those emotions. After you recognize your emotions, the next step is figuring out how to handle them without letting them take over. This doesn't mean ignoring your feelings. It's about responding to them thoughtfully. So let's say you're angry because a coworker was rude. Instead of sending a snarky email or venting to everyone in the office, take a minute, try something like I'm upset right now, but I'm going to cool off before I address it. It's about creating space between how you feel and how you act. Over time, this is going to help you feel more in control of your emotions, instead of letting them control you. If you're on hold with customer service for 30 minutes, let's say, before they finally answer when they get on the line, you're furious and feel like yelling at them, but before you do, just remind yourself this person didn't create the problem, they're just the one answering the phone. So you take a step back and you create that space, so you calmly explain your issue and ask for a solution. Staying calm doesn't just help the situation. It also keeps you from walking away feeling really embarrassed about losing your cool. So, once again, it's about creating that space between your emotion and how you react.
Speaker 1:In the example with my friend commenting on my messy house, the emotion that I initially felt was hurt and defensiveness. But instead of recognizing that, I let those emotions control me and I responded with these passive-aggressive comments. If I had paused and reflected, I could have acknowledged to myself wow, that comment stung because it's hitting an insecurity that I have about my parenting. From there I might have responded saying something like yeah, it's been a busy day and I'll get the kids to clean up later. This way I could have diffused the situation and kept the relationship intact, instead of letting my hurt create unnecessary tension. Then I can deal with my insecurities.
Speaker 1:The third step in emotional intelligence is working on empathy. Empathy is your ability to understand what someone else is feeling, even if they don't say it out loud. It's like tuning into someone else's emotional frequency. For example, if your friend seems quiet and withdrawn, instead of assuming that they're mad at you or ignoring it, you could ask hey, you seem a little off today. Is everything okay? It's a small act that shows that you care. That shows that you care. Empathy doesn't mean that you have to fix their problem. It's just about making them feel seen and heard. And the more you practice, the better you get at picking up on those unspoken emotional cues.
Speaker 1:Empathizing with someone isn't always easy. It can actually be really challenging. It takes effort, self-awareness and a willingness to step outside of your own experience. And let's face it, life can be really overwhelming and when you're juggling your own stress, it's easy to miss what's going on with someone else. Empathy requires pausing and shifting your attention outward, which isn't always easy, especially when you're running on empty. Sometimes it's hard to empathize with someone because you've never been in their shoes. If a co-worker is stressed about something that doesn't seem like a big deal to you, like a presentation or a personal conflict, you might dismiss it altogether. But empathy isn't about relating to the exact situation. It's about acknowledging someone else's feelings and understanding that what's tough for them might feel different to you. It can be challenging to empathize with someone who's acting distant, defensive or even rude. If a friend snaps at you, your first instinct might be to snap back or pull away rather than asking hey, what's really going on with you?
Speaker 1:Empathy requires looking beyond someone's behavior to consider what emotions might be driving it, which can feel unnatural in the heat of the moment. And empathy can feel really intimidating when you don't know how to respond. What if you say something wrong? What if they get upset or don't want to talk? Sometimes the fear of not knowing how to help can stop you from trying altogether. But empathy isn't about fixing their problem. It's about being present and showing that you care, even if all you can say is I'm here if you need me.
Speaker 1:Empathy takes awareness and that means being tuned in to what's happening around you. So pay attention to changes. Notice when someone seems different than usual Are they quieter, more withdrawn or quicker to anger? And listen beyond words. People don't always say how they're feeling outright. Pay attention to body language, tone of voice or even what they aren't asking and ask. Don't assume. If you notice that someone seems off, resist the urge to jump to conclusions. So, instead of thinking they're mad at me, try asking hey, you seem a little off today, is everything okay? A simple check-in can open the door to understanding, make space for empathy. Sometimes you need to slow down and create space to notice others. This might mean putting down your phone during a conversation or taking a moment to observe what's going on with someone before responding. Being present is the key to empathy.
Speaker 1:The fourth step in emotional intelligence is building better social skills, which includes better communication skills. Good communication is key to emotional intelligence because it's how you express what you're feeling in a way that others can understand. This can be as simple as saying I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we talk about this later, instead of bottling it up until you explode? It's also about listening really listening when someone else is sharing their feelings. It's amazing how much smoother things go when you communicate clearly and kindly. Plus, when you're honest about your emotions, it encourages others to do the same, which can strengthen your relationship.
Speaker 1:Self-reflection is super important. Taking time to reflect on how you handle emotions is such an important step in building emotional intelligence, and it doesn't have to feel like homework. It's not about being hard on yourself or nitpicking everything you do. It's just about noticing patterns in how you react. For example, do you tend to avoid conflict because it feels awkward or uncomfortable? Or do you find yourself getting defensive whenever someone gives you feedback, even if they mean well? Once you spot these patterns, you've got a starting point to work on them, and the good news is that you don't have to fix everything all at once. Start small, let's say. You realize that you avoid conflict. The next time you're tempted to stay quiet. Challenge yourself to say something, even if it's just hey, can we talk about this? Or if you catch yourself getting defensive, pause for a second, take a deep breath and ask yourself am I reacting this way because I feel attacked, or is this just hitting a nerve? That little pause can make a big difference, and mindfulness is also a game changer for this kind of work.
Speaker 1:Practicing mindfulness doesn't mean that you have to sit on a cushion meditating for hours. It can be as simple as noticing how you're feeling in the moment. Pay attention to what's happening in your body when emotions come up. Maybe your chest feels tight when you're anxious, or your jaw clenches when you're frustrated. Maybe your chest feels tight when you're anxious or your jaw clenches when you're frustrated. Just noticing these things can help you catch your emotional reactions earlier and respond more thoughtfully. Journaling is also a good tool that you can use. At the end of the day, take five minutes to jot down a moment when you had a strong reaction and what happened, how you felt and how you handled it. Over time, you'll start to see patterns. Maybe you notice that you always feel defensive when someone comments on your work or that you avoid tough conversations with certain people. Once you see those patterns, it's easier to work on them and please, please, be patient with yourself.
Speaker 1:Emotional intelligence is not an overnight transformation. It's a process and you're going to mess up along the way. You might say the wrong thing, lose your cool or feel frustrated that you're not getting it right, and that's okay. What matters is that you keep trying. Each time you pause, reflect and try to do better, you're strengthening that emotional intelligence muscle and over time, those little steps are going to add up to big progress. So cut yourself some slack and celebrate the wins, even the small ones, like if you start taking a deep breath instead of snapping. The beauty of emotional intelligence is that it's a journey, not a destination. The more you practice, the better you get and the more connected that you're going to feel with yourself and others. It's all about showing up and trying your best and knowing that every little step counts.
Speaker 1:I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'm going to be talking about the idea that living for yourself doesn't mean that you're selfish. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.