Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Reframing Self-Care: Why Taking Care of Yourself Isn't Selfish
What if prioritizing yourself could be your greatest strength rather than a selfish act? Join me in this eye-opening episode where I unpacks a lifelong misconception that prioritizing self-care is selfish, especially for those overcoming codependency. I explore the roots of this struggle, often stemming from early teachings that placed others' needs above our own, leading to exhaustion and resentment. I offer a refreshing perspective on why taking care of ourselves is an essential part of survival and maintaining healthy relationships. Through personal stories and practical advice, discover how to reframe these old beliefs and start putting your own well-being first, guilt-free.
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Let's talk about something that so many of us struggle with the idea that living for yourself, putting your own needs, goals and happiness first, means that you're being selfish. It's such a common fear, especially for those of us who are recovering from codependent tendencies or have spent years prioritizing everyone else. But here's the truth Living for yourself isn't selfish, it's necessary. It's about honoring your worth, setting your boundaries and realizing that you can't pour from an empty cup. Today, we're going to unpack why focusing on your own well-being is not only healthy, but also essential for building better, more balanced relationships with people around you. So let's dive in. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 25th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. Today's episode is going to focus on whether or not the idea that living life for yourself is selfish and, spoiler alert, it's not. Thank you for all of you who've started to register for my 31-day journaling challenge starting December 1st. It's a great way to mentally prepare yourself for the new year ahead and what you might want to work on. If you'd like to register for receiving daily journaling prompts throughout the month of December, you can email me at codependentdoctor at gmailcom or contacting me through my website at thecodependentdoctorcom. Also, if you have any questions or topics that you'd like me to address on the show, I would love to hear from you. Once again, you can contact me through my email at codependentdoctor at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:I've gotten a few letters from listeners sharing that they feel selfish and guilty when they try to prioritize themselves, often adding that this isn't how they were raised. And you know what? I completely get it. When I started working on my own codependency, I felt the exact same way. Honestly, there are still some times that that little voice in my head questions me have I gone too far? Have I crossed over to being selfish? That S word selfish it feels like the ultimate sin.
Speaker 1:For those of us with codependent tendencies, it's almost like we've been conditioned to believe that putting ourselves first is wrong, even harmful. But is it, or is it just an old belief that we've held on to? That needs a little re-examining? Today, I'm going to be talking about where that fear comes from and why prioritizing yourself isn't the same as being selfish, and how to find the balance in the process. If you're anything like me, putting yourself first feels wrong right, like a deep down, rule-breaking kind of wrong and I'm not talking about accidentally skipping a line at the grocery store. I mean morally wrong, like we're somehow betraying everyone we care about just because we're trying to take care of ourselves. Does that sound familiar? So where does this come from?
Speaker 1:For a lot of us codependents, it started really early. Maybe we grew up in our families where taking care of others or worrying about their feelings wasn't just expected. It was practically your identity. Maybe you heard things like don't be selfish or think of others before yourself so often that you started to believe that your needs didn't matter. And if you dared to ask for something, maybe you got labeled as selfish or difficult, which, let's face, it feels awful.
Speaker 1:If you're constantly worrying about how the other person is feeling, whether they're upset, sad or disappointed, you end up bending over backwards to avoid rocking the boat. And what does that lead to? It leads to people pleasing, saying yes when you really want to be saying no, or putting someone else's needs so far above your own that you don't even remember what you need anymore. It's exhausting. And here's the thing when you people please, you're not actually helping the other person. In the long run, you're just teaching them to expect more and more from you while you slowly drain yourself dry. That's not kindness, it's self-neglect.
Speaker 1:Fast forward to adulthood, and here we are carrying that same belief around like it's a universal truth. We end up running ourselves ragged trying to meet everyone else's needs, because the idea of saying no or taking a break makes us feel like we're letting people down. And when we do put ourselves first like saying sorry, I can't help with that right now what happens it's that guilt. It comes rushing in and whispering what if they don't think that I care? Or what if you're being selfish? So here's the kicker, though that belief that putting yourself first is wrong or harmful isn't actually true. It's conditioning. It's a story that we've been told and we've played it on repeat for so long that it feels real. But putting yourself first isn't selfish, it's survival. It's about being able to show up for others because you're taking care of yourself first. The truth is that when we don't prioritize ourselves, we're not actually helping anyone. We end up burned out, resentful and sometimes even bitter towards the very people that we're trying to care for, and, trust me, that's not the vibe that any of us wants. So let's start rewriting that story. Putting yourself first isn't selfish. It's the foundation for showing up as your best and healthiest self, and you deserve that. We all do.
Speaker 1:I've been called selfish a few times in my life and I believed them. I'll give you an example and you can let me know what you think. So here's a conversation that I had with a relative. Them the lottery's $50 million this week. If I win, I would split up the money as such. Now imagine all their relatives getting various shares of the pot and at the end there was no money left All 50 million dollars gone in 20 minutes after getting the check.
Speaker 1:Then they asked the inevitable question what would you do if you won the lottery? Angela, me, I would give my immediate members of the family half a million each and use the rest to build a multidisciplinary weight loss center and invest the rest for the future. The response I got was you're so selfish, you need to give me a minimum of two million, as well as two million to each of the family members and some extended family as well. And do you know what my first thought was? Oh no, they're right, I should be giving more to family.
Speaker 1:Like seriously, how conditioned was I to think that prioritizing my own goals wasn't enough? That's what happens when you grow up, believing that taking care of yourself or setting limits makes you selfish. I was told multiple times that I was being selfish, even though I feel like I was just prioritizing myself. Looking back, I laugh at how absurd it was for me to second guess myself. I was being more than generous. Half a million dollars for each of the family members is huge. Plus, I had plans to create something meaningful, give back to the community and even invest in the future.
Speaker 1:But in that moment, their unrealistic expectations made me feel like I wasn't doing enough. This is what happens when codependency and people-pleasing take over. You're so used to putting everyone else first that even hypothetical boundaries feel like a betrayal. Let me tell you right now that kind of thinking is the real problem, not whether you're generous enough with your imaginary lottery winnings. Prioritizing your goals and values doesn't make you selfish. It makes you smart, and we all need to remind ourselves of that. So let's just say that I didn't win the lottery and no one got any money Big shocker right.
Speaker 1:But that conversation stuck with me for a long time, and why? Because it's such a perfect example of how the people around us often have their own agendas and they're not afraid to project them onto us. It wasn't really about generosity or fairness. It was about what they thought they deserved, and in that moment, I got so caught up in their expectations that I forgot the most important thing what do I think is right? That conversation became a big reminder for me that you can't let other people's opinions or their guilt trips determine your decisions. You've got to figure out what's best for you, trust your own judgment and remind yourself that it's enough. You don't need to give until there's nothing left whether they're talking about imaginary lottery winnings, your time or your energy. Because here's the truth no matter what you decide, someone's always going to have an opinion. Here's the truth no matter what you decide, someone's always going to have an opinion. You can't please everyone and, honestly, you shouldn't try. Your job isn't to meet everyone else's expectations. It's to stay true to your own values and your boundaries.
Speaker 1:There's a difference between selfishness and self-care. If you're anything like me, you've probably felt guilty about taking time for yourself, wondering if you're being selfish. But guess what? You're not. Selfishness is when you focus on yourself in a way that disregards or harms others. It's that me, me, me attitude, where you're only looking out for what's best for you, even if it comes at someone else's expense. Self-care, on the other hand, is about making sure that you're okay, so that you can show up for the people and the things that you care about. It's about saying I can't pour from an empty cup. When you take time to rest and recharge and take care of your mental and physical health, you're actually better equipped to be present and supportive in your relationships. Self-care is about balance. It's not about ignoring others. It's about making sure that your own needs are met too.
Speaker 1:So let's go over a few examples of prioritizing yourself versus selfishness. Prioritizing yourself would be you've had a long week and feel completely drained, and then a friend invites you out, but you politely say I'd love to hang out, but I really need a quiet night to recharge. You're not ignoring your friend. You're taking care of yourself so that you can be a better friend later. Selfishness would be you blow off the plans at the last minute without a word and you leave your friend waiting or being disappointed just because you didn't feel like it. Prioritizing yourself would be you block out time for a workout or a bubble bath or even just reading a book, because it helps you feel grounded and less stressed. This doesn't mean that you're neglecting your responsibilities. It means that you're making time for your well-being.
Speaker 1:Selfishness would be you ignore everyone's needs and leave others to pick up your slack and spend the whole day pampering yourself without considering the impact. Prioritizing yourself looks like your boss asks you to stay late again, but you've already made plans with your family. You say I can't stay tonight, but I'll make sure that everything's in order before I leave. You're respecting your time and commitments while still being responsible at work. Selfishness would be you refuse to help with a big project because you just don't want to, even though it's part of your job and the team is counting on you. Prioritizing yourself would be your partner wants to watch a movie that you don't like, and instead of going along with it to avoid conflict, you say I'm not really into that one. Tonight, can we pick something else that we're both going to enjoy? You're being honest about your needs and finding a compromise that works for both of you. Selfishness would be you insist on watching your favorite movie every time and don't consider your partner's preferences.
Speaker 1:The big difference is how your actions affect others. Prioritizing yourself is about meeting your own needs in a healthy and respectful way that doesn't harm anyone else. Selfishness is when your choices disregard or hurt others just to serve yourself. Knowing the difference helps you set boundaries without feeling that guilt. Self-care is so important, not just for you, but for everyone around you.
Speaker 1:There's this idea a lot of us have that taking care of ourselves is selfish. But the truth is, if your cup is empty, you can't pour into anyone else's. Think about it. How can you show up for the people in your life if you're running on fumes? Imagine you're constantly giving your time, your energy, your support to everyone else. You're the go-to person for solving problems, offering a shoulder to cry on or taking on extra responsibilities. But if you never stop to refill your own cup, you're going to burn out. And when you're burnt out, it's not just you who suffers. Your relationships, your work and even the people that you're trying to help end up feeling the impact.
Speaker 1:When I was struggling to set boundaries in my family practice and pushing myself to work for months while I was sick, I completely burnt out. I wasn't able to focus on my patients because I was so consumed by my own problems. I started resenting people for needing things from me when I was already miserable. It got so bad that I found myself walking out on patients, slamming doors and even swearing in front of them. That was a really low point for me. That's not the kind of behavior that anyone expects from their doctor, but my cup was completely empty and I had nothing left to give.
Speaker 1:Self-care isn't about being indulgent or ignoring others. It's about making sure that you're in a place where you can give your best self. It's like the safety instructions on an airplane they always tell you to put your oxygen on mask first before helping someone else. Why? Because if you're gasping for air, you're not much help to the person next to you. Life works the same way. If you're gasping for air, you're not much help to the person next to you. Life works the same way. When you take care of your physical, mental and emotional health, you have the energy and the patience and resilience to support the people that you care about.
Speaker 1:Because I couldn't prioritize my own well-being, I ultimately had to walk away from my family practice, leaving hundreds of patients who relied on me. The repercussions of not being able to care for myself or ask for the time that I desperately needed rippled far beyond me. They affected every single one of those patients. While I know I wasn't the only doctor out there and my patients eventually found replacements, it wasn't that simple. I had built a strong rapport with many of them and for some, finding a new provider that they trusted wasn't easy. For some patients, that continuity of care was deeply important, and losing it created unnecessary stress and disruption in their lives.
Speaker 1:Looking back, I know that if I had prioritized myself earlier by setting boundaries, working shorter days, taking more time off or asking for support, I could have avoided reaching that breaking point. But at the time I convinced myself that taking even a few days off was selfish, because people needed me. The guilt was overwhelming. Anytime I considered stepping back, I beat myself up for not being there for my patients. I thought that I was doing the right thing by pushing through, but in reality, I was running on empty, running myself into the ground. What I didn't realize then is that taking that time off wouldn't have been selfish. It would have been self-care. If I had allowed myself the space to rest and recharge, I would have had so much more to give.
Speaker 1:Self-care isn't about neglecting others. It's about ensuring that you have the capacity to show up fully, and I've learned that the hard way. This isn't just my story. It's a reality faced by countless workers and caregivers who feel the crushing weight of their responsibilities. When we fail to care for ourselves, it's not just our own health that suffers. Our patients, our colleagues and the entire system feels the impact. It's not just our own health that suffers. Our patients, our colleagues and the entire system feels the impact. It's a harsh reminder of how vital self-care is, not just for us, but for everyone who depends on us.
Speaker 1:Self-care can look different for everyone. Maybe it's taking a walk, journaling, saying no to things that drain you, or even carving out 10 minutes of quiet time in your day. The key is recognizing that it's not selfish. It's necessary. When our cup is full, you're not only healthier and happier, but you're also better equipped to be the friend, partner, parent or co -worker that others need. So the next time that you feel guilty about taking time for yourself, remember this Self-care isn't just for you, it's for everyone that you care about too. You can't give your best to the world if you're running on empty, so fill your cup first and watch how much more you're able to give.
Speaker 1:Here are some self-reflection exercises for the week if you would like to do some journal work. Think about a time when you felt guilty for prioritizing yourself. What did you do and why did it make you feel that way? Looking back, was it truly selfish or was it an act of self-care? Write a list of things that you need to feel happy, healthy and balanced, both big and small. Then reflect on how often you meet these needs. Think about a time when taking care of yourself allowed you to be more present, patient or supportive for someone else. How did prioritizing your well-being benefit the people around you? What beliefs do you hold about self-care being selfish? Write them down and then challenge each one by listing reasons why it's not true. Imagine your energy and emotional capacity as a cup. Write about what fills your cup and what drains it. Then reflect on how keeping your cup full impacts your life and relationships. Write about one or two self-care practices that you'd like to prioritize this week. What will you do and how will it benefit you? Reflect on how you'll handle any guilt that comes up.
Speaker 1:I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'm going to be talking about love, languages and relationships. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital called 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.