Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Holiday Gatherings: Transforming Family Feuds and Tension into Tranquility.
Bonus episode: Navigate the often turbulent waters of family holiday gatherings with newfound confidence and peace. Discover techniques to defuse escalating tensions and let go of the unrealistic expectations that often lead to frustration. Through our discussion, you'll gain tools to build and maintain boundaries, ensuring you protect your energy and well-being while still enjoying the festive season.
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Hey everyone, welcome to this extra episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm doing an extra podcast this week because the holidays are in full swing and I'm having all sorts of feelings about them. So I thought that as I work through my feelings, I could maybe work through them with you. So today we're tackling a topic that seems to pop up every year around this time family feuds during the holidays and managing your expectations. Let's be real Holidays are supposed to be all about joy, connection and togetherness, but for a lot of us, they can be a breeding ground for stress, tension and those classic family blow-ups. Does this sound familiar to you? Now? If you're navigating a codependent relationship or come from a family with those dynamics, holiday gatherings can feel like you're walking into a minefield. You might find yourself bending over backwards to keep the peace, putting everyone else's feelings first or hoping that this will finally be the year that everyone gets along. And spoiler alert, those expectations. They're a fast track to frustration. So today we're going to talk about why holiday tensions happen, how to manage your expectations without losing your mind, and ways to protect your peace, even when your family is acting like a reality TV reunion episode.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent Dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the Codependent Doctor. Let's be real Large family gatherings can be a lot.
Speaker 1:They can be beautiful and chaotic all at once. On one hand, it's amazing to have everyone come together, catching up, laughing and making memories. On the other hand, it's like a social experiment where every personality, opinion and family dynamic collides under one roof, and sometimes it can be downright overwhelming. Everyone's coming to the table literally with their own expectations, emotions and even a little or a lot of baggage. You've got the talkative ones who take over the conversation, you've got the loud ones who dominate the room, the quiet ones who seem like they don't want to be there, and that family member who always manages to bring up politics or some other hot topic that sets everyone off. And let's not forget the subtle or maybe not so subtle sibling rivalries, the whose mom's favorite debates reliving some old arguments, or the pressure to recreate picture-perfect holiday moments from the past. Then there's the emotional labor of trying to keep everyone happy.
Speaker 1:If you're the kind of person who feels responsible for making sure that the day goes smoothly this is likely you, my fellow codependents. You're probably running around making sure that Uncle Bob isn't drinking too much or Aunt Susan isn't upset about the seating arrangement and the kids aren't tearing the place apart. By the time the gathering's over, you've probably given so much of yourself that you feel like you need a week to recover. The complexity also comes from unspoken expectations. Maybe you're hoping for a drama-free day, but old wounds resurface or someone's comments about your job, your relationship or your life choices cuts deeper than it should, and sometimes people just don't show up the way that you want them to physically or emotionally and that stings too. But here's the thing family gatherings don't have to be perfect. They're rarely seamless, and that's okay. What matters is managing your expectations and focusing on what you can control, like how you react, where you set boundaries and how much of yourself that you're willing to give.
Speaker 1:I wanted to create this episode, because protecting your energy during the holidays is so important, especially if you want to actually enjoy them instead of just surviving through the chaos. The holidays can be a time of connection and joy, but they can also be draining and stressful. You're going to be navigating family dynamics and dealing with the expectations both from others and from yourself, which can cause you to feel overwhelmed. So let's talk about some of the challenges that you might run into and how to handle them without losing your mind, whether it's setting boundaries, managing drama or just finding some time to breathe. I've got some tips to help you protect your peace and make the holidays a little bit more fun and a lot less stressful. Feeling responsible for everyone's happiness that one's a biggie, especially for those of us with codependent tendencies.
Speaker 1:You show up at a family gathering and, before you know it, you're wearing the hat of event planner, therapist and referee all rolled into one. Someone's upset about the seating arrangement, and you're on it. Two relatives start arguing about politics and you're there trying to mediate. Meanwhile, your own energy is draining faster than a phone battery with 15 apps running in the background. Let's say that Aunt Karen and Cousin Sarah get into a heated debate over who makes the best mashed potatoes. Aunt Karen's feelings are hurt and Sarah storms off and suddenly the festive vibe is gone. So you step in trying to smooth things over Sarah. Aunt Karen didn't mean it that way. And Karen, sarah loves your cooking. By the end of it, everyone's moved on, but you're left feeling exhausted and wondering why you even got involved in the first place.
Speaker 1:For a lot of us, the instinct to fix things comes from a good place. We just want everyone to get along and have a good time. But here's the thing taking on the emotional labor of an entire family is impossible and it's not your job to do so. Here's a few ways to manage this feeling without burning yourself out. Recognize what's yours to fix and what's not. It's not your responsibility to make sure that everyone is happy. If two people are upset, let them handle it. It's their relationship and not yours. Remind yourself I can't control how they feel, and that's okay. Practice letting go.
Speaker 1:If you feel yourself getting sucked into the middle of a situation, just take a step back, literally step back. Excuse yourself. Go grab some water, check on dessert or just take a breath in another room. Distance can help you resist the urge to jump in, redirect the energy. If tension is building, you can shift that focus without getting emotionally involved. For example, if an argument starts, you could say something lighthearted like okay, let's save the debate for later. Who wants some pie and humor can go a long way with this as well. Check in with yourself Before you jump in to fix something. Ask yourself why am I doing this? Is it because you genuinely want to help or because you feel obligated? If it's the latter, it's okay to step back. Set boundaries. If you're the go-to person for everyone's problems, let them know that you're taking a step back. This year. You can say something like I love you guys, but I'm going to let you figure this one out. I'm here if you need me, though.
Speaker 1:Overcommitting and exhaustion this is the classic holiday overachiever move Saying yes to everything. You're hosting the dinner, cooking the main dishes, cleaning the house to make it look like no one's actually living there and decorating it like it's some competition on HGTV, all because you want everyone to have the perfect holiday, but by the end of the day, you're so exhausted that you can't even enjoy it. And, let's be honest, half the time nobody even notices those little details that you've stressed over, which just makes you feel even more drained and resentful. Let's say you volunteer to host Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. You want it to be amazing, so you take on everything. You're cooking a four-course meal and a backup dish for those picky eaters. You scrub the baseboards and reorganize the pantry because obviously someone's going to be peeking in there, right? And if someone offers to help, you say it's all right, I've got it, it's no burden, you just go and enjoy yourself.
Speaker 1:By the time everyone sits down for dinner, you feel like you've run a marathon. When someone casually says, wow, this looks nice, you smile, but on the inside you're thinking nice, I've slaved away all day and that's all you've got to say. And while everyone else is relaxing at dinner, you're in the kitchen washing the dishes, disappointed that no one's offering to help. This often stems from a desire to please others or to prove your worth through effort. If you've got codependent tendencies, you might feel like taking care of everything is your responsibility or that if you don't do it, people are going to be disappointed or upset. Spoiler alert most people just want to have good food and good company, not perfection.
Speaker 1:So here's a couple of ideas to stop you from over committing and actually enjoying the holidays. You need to start delegating like a boss. You don't have to do it all. Assign tasks to others, ask someone to bring dessert or another person to handle the drinks and someone else to help with the cleanup or the setup. People want to help. They just might not know what to do unless you ask Simplify your plans. Do you really need five side dishes, three desserts and a handmade centerpiece? Probably not. Focus on what matters the most and let go of the rest. So, as an example, instead of a four-course meal, make maybe a main dish and a couple of sides and let store-bought desserts or paper plates do the heavy lifting.
Speaker 1:Set boundaries. If you've been the yes person for years, it might feel weird to say no, but it's okay to set limits. Try something like I'd love to host, but I need everyone to pitch in this year. Or I can host, but I'll need to keep it simple so that I can enjoy the day too. Plan some downtime. Build in some time to rest before and after the event, whether it's a nap, a hot bath or zoning out with your favorite show. Make sure that you recharge your batteries. Reframe your mindset. Ask yourself what's really important here. People are coming to spend time together, not to inspect your house or judge your cooking. Letting go of perfection makes everything feel lighter, struggling to set boundaries.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about boundaries, or the lack thereof, because family gatherings have a way of testing them like nothing else, whether it's a relative making inappropriate comments, someone asking too much of you, or dealing with Uncle Joe, who's maybe had too many eggnogs and is getting a little too honest for everyone. Saying no can feel impossible. Instead, you might let things slide to keep the peace, even if it's at the expense of your own comfort and sanity. Imagine Aunt Susan corners you in the kitchen and starts grilling you about your personal life. So when are you getting married or don't you think it's time to have kids? Meanwhile, you're trying to keep your cool smile politely and deflect the questions without making a scene. Inside, though, you're just screaming and there's Uncle Joe, who's hit the wine bottle a little too hard. He's getting loud, saying things that cross the line and making everyone uncomfortable. You feel the urge to step in and manage the situation or smooth it over, but you don't want to cause any kind of drama, so you bite your tongue and let it go, and then you stew about it for days afterwards.
Speaker 1:Setting boundaries is tough, especially with family. There's this unspoken rule in many families that you're supposed to tolerate behavior that you wouldn't normally accept from anyone else because, well, they're your family right and, in codependent tendencies, you might feel like it's your responsibility to keep the gathering running smoothly, even if it means putting up with things that hurt or overwhelm you. Here's how you can set some boundaries without setting off a family feud. Know your limits ahead of time, before the gathering, think about what behaviors or situations you're not willing to tolerate. As an example, if Uncle Joe starts to drink too much, I'm not engaging. Or Aunt Susan starts prying into my personal life, I'm going to redirect that conversation. Having a plan makes it easier to stay firm in the moment. Practice saying no, no, is a complete sentence, but it doesn't have to sound harsh. You can say something like I'm not comfortable talking about that right now or I'm taking a break from that topic. How's your garden coming along? Thanks for the invite, but I can't commit to that this year.
Speaker 1:The key here is to stay calm and confident. Redirect or excuse yourself If things get uncomfortable. It's easy to step away. When Uncle Joe gets too rowdy, you don't have to fix him. Excuse yourself and refill your drink, check on dessert or have a quiet moment outside. Set consequences if needed. If someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries, like bringing up sensitive topics or drinking too much, let them know what will happen. For instance, if you keep pushing this, I'm going to step away. You don't have to make a big announcement, but following through will show that you really mean it. Let go of guilt. This is the hardest part. Setting boundaries doesn't mean that you don't care about your family. It means you care about yourself as well. Remind yourself that it's not your job to keep everyone happy or fix their behavior, overanalyzing what others think of you.
Speaker 1:Family gatherings can sometimes feel like the Olympics of judgment, especially if you're prone to overthinking. You start wondering about every little thing. Am I helping enough? Did I say something wrong? Are they judging my outfit, my career, my life choices? Even a harmless comment like oh, you're looking different this year can send your brain spiraling into a full-on insecurity fest. Imagine you walk into the family gathering feeling pretty good about yourself. Then Aunt Marge casually says you've been so quiet, are you okay? This sounds harmless, right, but suddenly your brain starts working over time. Do I seem off. Am I being rude? Should I be talking more? Do they think something's wrong with me? Before you know it, you're stuck in your head, replaying every conversation and second-guessing everything you've said or didn't say all night long.
Speaker 1:Overanalyzing what others think often comes from a place of wanting to be liked and accepted. Add a dash of family dynamics and history to the mix and it's easy to feel like you're under a microscope. For people with codependent tendencies, this can especially be challenging, because your sense of self-worth might be tied to how others perceive you. So here's a couple of ways to break free from the overthinking trap and focus on enjoying the moment. Reality. Check your thoughts when you catch yourself spiraling, pause and ask is this really about me or am I reading too much into it? Most of the time, people are more focused on their own stuff than analyzing you. Most of the time, people are more focused on their own stuff than analyzing you. Aunt Marge's comment probably had zero hidden meaning. Flip the script Instead of assuming judgment.
Speaker 1:Try to assume good intentions. If someone says you're being so quiet, respond with something lighthearted, like I'm just soaking it all in. You can steer the moment without taking it personally. Practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that you don't have to be perfect. It's okay to just be. You Repeat this mantra what other people think of me is none of my business. Your worth isn't up for debate at this dinner table. Redirect your focus. Shift your attention away from yourself and onto the gathering. Focus on the food, the decorations or catching up with someone you enjoy being around. Getting out of your own head can help stop the overthinking spiral. Set limits on engagement. If you feel like certain relatives trigger your insecurities, it's okay to keep your interactions brief. You don't have to share every detail of your life just to satisfy their curiosity, triggering old wounds.
Speaker 1:Family gatherings can be a mind feel for unresolved issues. You walk into the room ready to enjoy the holiday cheer, but then someone makes a comment, a familiar dynamic resurfaces, or you catch the eye of that one relative that you have a complicated history with and suddenly you're no longer in the present. You're back in the past version of yourself, reliving feelings of frustration, guilt and even inadequacy. And let's not sugarcoat it. Sometimes it's deeper than just awkward family dynamics. Maybe there's a history of hurt or even abuse with a relative and being around them feels terrible. You're pretending that everything's fine when it's absolutely not. That kind of situation can make family gatherings feel heavy, tense and downright uncomfortable. Let's say that you had a rough relationship with a parent growing up. They were overly critical and, no matter how hard you tried, it felt like you were never good enough. Now, at family gatherings, those feelings of inadequacy bubble up whenever they make comments like oh, you're still working at that job or when are you going to settle down. On the surface it might seem like harmless small talk, but for you it stirs up years of unresolved emotions. Or maybe there's a relative who hurt you in the past emotionally or even physically, and being in the same room with them is incredibly triggering. You might find yourself forcing a smile, trying to stay quiet or trying to avoid them all together just to get through the day.
Speaker 1:Family is often where our deepest wounds originate. These relationships are foundational and when they go wrong, the effects can linger for years. Being around family can unconsciously pull you back into old patterns or roles, like feeling like the black sheep or the peacemaker or the one who's always overlooked. You don't have to let old wounds ruin your holidays, but it does take some intentional effort to protect your peace. Here's a couple of things that you can do to navigate these tricky situations.
Speaker 1:Acknowledge your feelings. Pretending everything is fine doesn't make the feeling go away. It just buries it down deeper. Take a moment to name what you're feeling, whether it's anger, sadness or frustration. Recognizing your emotions is the first step to managing them. Set boundaries, even unspoken ones. If being around a certain relative is too much, it's okay to keep your distance, sit on the other side of the room or limit your interactions with them, or maybe just excuse yourself when the conversation gets uncomfortable. You're not obligated to engage just because it's the holidays. Have a game plan.
Speaker 1:Go into the gathering with a strategy. If you know certain comments or behaviors are likely, then think about how you're going to respond ahead of time. For example, if someone makes a hurtful comment, you could say I'd rather not talk about that today and then change the subject. If someone who hurt you tries to engage, it's okay to excuse yourself and walk away. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. Lean on your support system. If there's someone at the gathering that you trust, let them know how you're feeling. Having an ally can make you feel less alone and give you someone to lean on if things get tough, give yourself permission to leave. If the situation becomes too much, it's okay to step away, whether that means taking a quick break outside, retreating to another room or leaving early. Just make sure that you prioritize your well-being. Seek professional support if needed. If old wounds feel overwhelming, consider talking to a therapist. They can help you process those emotions and build tools to navigate family dynamics in a way that feels healthier.
Speaker 1:Comparison and jealousy. Let's talk about the sneaky way that family gatherings can turn into an achievement Olympics, whether it's intentional or not. You're sitting at the table catching up with relatives. When someone casually mentions that your cousin just bought a house, they landed a fancy job or got engaged. Suddenly, instead of enjoying the turkey and stuffing, you're spiraling into thoughts like what am I doing with my life?
Speaker 1:It's tough because families are often a breeding ground for comparisons. Whether it's siblings, cousins or even in-laws, someone is always doing something that feels like it outshines your own accomplishments. And let's be real sometimes family members don't help the situation. Comments like why don't you go back to school like your brother did, or your cousin Sarah is so successful, when are you going to settle down? It can hit like a punch to the gut. Let's say you're at the holiday dinner and Aunt Linda starts going on about how your sister just got a promotion at work. Everyone claps and cheers and makes a big deal out of it as they probably should to be fair. But then she turns on you and says so what's new with you? In that tone, that implies that she's expecting a headline-worthy achievement. Cue the awkward smile and the flood of self-doubt.
Speaker 1:Comparison is human nature. It's how we measure where we stand in the world, and it's not always a bad thing. It can sometimes motivate us to grow. But in a family setting, especially during gatherings, it can feel really personal, throw in any unresolved insecurities and feelings of inadequacy and it's like pouring gasoline on the fire. Here's some ways that you can keep comparison and jealousy from ruining that holiday vibe.
Speaker 1:Remember your own journey. Everyone's path is very different. Just because your cousin bought a house or your sister got a promotion doesn't mean that you're failing. Remind yourself of the things that you've accomplished, even if they're not being celebrated at the table. You're not in a competition with anyone. Your journey is yours alone.
Speaker 1:Redirect the conversation. If someone makes a comment that stings, try steering it in another direction. For example, if Aunt Linda asks what's new with you. You can say I'm really proud of how I've been focusing on myself lately. Oh, by the way, how's your garden coming along? You don't have to explain your life choices to anyone. Celebrate others without comparing. It's okay to clap for your cousin's new job or your sister's engagement without letting it diminish your own worth. Practice reframing your mindset. Their success doesn't take anything away from mine. There's enough room for everyone to shine here.
Speaker 1:Focus on your wins Before the gathering. Think about a few things that you're proud of, big or small. Maybe you've been working on your health, started journaling or simply survived a tough year. If the conversation turns to achievements, don't be afraid to share your wins. Limit time with triggers. If certain family members or conversations are especially triggering, it's okay to excuse yourself. Spend time with people who uplift you, or maybe just take a breather and rest. Don't be afraid to shut it down. If someone makes a direct comparison, you can politely but firmly shut it down. For example, I'm really happy for Sarah, but we're on different paths and I'm good with where I'm at right now. It's assertive without being confrontational, losing yourself in people-pleasing. This is the classic move where you bend over backwards to make sure that everyone else is happy, even if it means completely sidelining yourself.
Speaker 1:You're checking in on whether Aunt Susan likes her mashed potatoes, making sure Cousin Jimmy has enough gravy, or jumping up every five minutes to refill drinks, or maybe grab someone's forgotten sweater by the end of the evening. You're exhausted and wondering wait, did I even sit down and enjoy this at all? Or I had to go pee for the last two hours. But maybe I'll quickly do the dishes and then I'll go. From the moment people walk in, you're in full-blown host mode making sure that the food is perfect, running around, cleaning up after everyone and trying to mediate family tensions. Meanwhile, your plate of food is sitting untouched on the counter. It's getting cold. You barely catch a word in the conversations that are happening around you, and when the gathering wraps up, you realize you didn't get a single moment to relax or enjoy yourself.
Speaker 1:You might even find yourself saying yes to things that you don't really want to do, like playing chauffeur for a relative who just needs a quick ride, or agreeing to make a last minute dish for somebody who forgot something, just because you feel like it's your job to keep everyone happy. And what's the result? You're physically there, but emotionally drained and it feels like you weren't fully present at all. People-pleasing often stems from a desire to feel valued or avoid conflict. For codependents, it can feel like your worth is tied to how much you can do for others. The thought of someone being upset or uncomfortable might seem unbearable to you. So you put everyone else's needs above your own, and the problem is when you're focused on pleasing everyone else, you forget about your own experience. You end up missing out on the very moments that you were trying to make special for everyone else. So here's some things that you can do to break free from people pleasing and make sure that you're having fun at the gathering.
Speaker 1:Check in with yourself first Before the gathering. Ask yourself what do I want out of this, whether it's having meaningful conversations, enjoying a good meal or just relaxing. It makes those priorities clear in your mind. Let others pitch in. You don't have to do it all. Delegate some tasks, ask someone to bring dessert, handle the cleanup or refill drinks. Most people are happy to help. They just need to be asked. Practice saying no guilt-free. If someone makes a request that feels overwhelming, it's okay to politely decline. For example, I wish I could help, but I've got my hands full right now. I'd love to, but I need to focus on other things today. Set small boundaries, give yourself permission to sit down, eat your food while it's hot and actually enjoy the gathering. If someone asks for something while you're mid-bite, it's okay to say I'll get that for you in a few minutes.
Speaker 1:Focus on connection, not performance or perfection. Remind yourself that your value isn't how perfectly you host or how much you can do for everyone. It's in showing up, as you Spend time having real conversations, laughing and enjoying the moment. Reflect after the event, after the gathering. Take a moment to check in with yourself. Did you enjoy it? If not, how come? Use this reflection to adjust how you approach future events so that you're more present with yourself. And please, if you need to pee, just take five minutes to do so and don't hesitate to prioritize your own needs.
Speaker 1:So, as I wrap up this episode, I just want to take a minute to reflect on the beauty and the messiness of big family gatherings. They're not always easy, but at the same time, it can be a reflection of love, history and the shared experiences that have shaped who you are. It's messy, it's chaotic and, yes, sometimes it's downright overwhelming, but it's real. The key is finding balance, enjoying the moments that matter, letting go of the things that don't, and creating space for yourself when you need it. It's okay to set boundaries and to take a breath and to acknowledge the complexities of your relationships. You don't have to be perfect, and neither does your family, so if your holiday gatherings are a mixture of laughter, chaos and the occasional meltdown, know that you're not alone. It's all part of the human experience and, honestly, those moments, even when they're awkward or tough ones, they can sometimes make for good stories later on.
Speaker 1:Thank you for joining me today and remember that it's okay to prioritize peace and take care of yourself and try navigating these gatherings on your own terms. You're doing the best that you can and that's enough. Take care and I'm going to talk to you next time. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week with another edition of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.