Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Addiction's Impact on Family: How to Set Boundaries & Heal
In this episode of The Codependent Doctor we delve into the often-overlooked impact of addiction on loved ones who are not the ones struggling with substance use. While previous episodes have focused on the individual battling addiction, today, I want to shine a light on the emotional turmoil faced by partners, family members, and friends who find their lives intertwined with someone else's addiction.
I begin by acknowledging the pain, exhaustion, and overwhelming feelings that can arise when you love someone with an addiction. Many listeners may relate to the experience of feeling frustrated, hurt, or emotionally drained after years of trying to help or rescue their loved ones. I discuss the importance of recognizing that while we want to support those we care about, we must also prioritize our own emotional well-being.
Throughout the episode, I address critical questions: How can you support a loved one struggling with addiction without losing yourself in the process? What boundaries should you set to protect your mental health? And what support systems are available for those affected by addiction?
I emphasize that reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness but a necessary step toward healing. Many people feel isolated in their struggles, believing that they should be able to manage everything on their own. However, I remind listeners that they are not alone and that there are numerous support groups available, such as Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous (CODA), which can provide guidance and community.
As I share insights gathered from social media interactions with individuals affected by a loved one's addiction, I highlight common misconceptions that can keep loved ones stuck in unhealthy cycles. These include beliefs such as "If I love them enough, they will change," and "It's my fault that they use." I unpack these myths and provide the reality behind them, emphasizing that addiction is a complex disease that requires professional help and personal accountability.
I also discuss the importance of setting boundaries, providing practical examples to help listeners understand how to protect their emotional well-being while still offering support. Boundaries around financial support, communication, behaviors in the home, and involvement in their loved one's problems are all crucial for maintaining a healthy dynamic.
Finally, I outline various support groups available for family mem
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Over the past few weeks, we've been talking about addiction and recovery, focusing mainly on the person struggling with the addiction, but today I want to shift the conversation, because addiction doesn't just affect the person using. It affects everyone around them. If you've ever loved someone struggling with addiction, you know how painful, exhausting and overwhelming that it can be. Maybe you've spent years trying to help or fix or rescue them, only to end up feeling frustrated, hurt and emotionally drained. Maybe you found yourself walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid conflict. Or maybe you've realized that your own needs, happiness and boundaries have taken a backseat to their struggles. So what can you do? How do you support a loved one while also protecting your own emotional well-being? What are the boundaries you need to set to keep from getting hurt, and what support systems are out there for you? That's exactly what we're talking about in today's episode, because recovery isn't just for the person struggling with an addiction. It's for people around them too. So let's dive in. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 32nd episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. Today's episode asks the question what about the rest of us, the ones who don't have addictions and yet our lives are controlled by addiction? For the last three weeks, we've been diving into addiction, what it is, how recovery works and the different programs that are available to us. But today I want to shift the focus, because, while addiction directly impacts the person struggling with it, it also deeply affects the people around them Partners, family members, friends and even co-workers.
Speaker 1:So what happens when you're not the one addicted, but you're still caught in all that chaos? Maybe you've spent years trying to help fix or rescue someone from their addiction, only to end up feeling exhausted, hurt or even resentful. Or maybe you're realizing that your life has started to revolve around someone else's addiction, whether it's through enabling people-pleasing or neglecting your own needs. So what do you do? How do you support a loved one struggling with addiction without losing yourself in that process? What are the boundaries that you need to set to protect your own emotional well-being, and what support systems are out there for you?
Speaker 1:Reaching out for support when you're dealing with loved one's addictions can feel overwhelming and sometimes even impossible. It can be really hard. Many people keep their struggles to themselves, either because they don't know where to turn or they feel ashamed. Maybe they're embarrassed or even afraid of how change might affect their family. If you've been carrying this burden alone, you're not the only one.
Speaker 1:Addiction doesn't just affect the person struggling. It affects everyone around them, many family members and loved ones. They withdraw from friends, they stop reaching out for help and they suffer in silence. But why? Because they're exhausted, because they feel like no one else is going to understand, because it's easier to pretend that things are fine rather than to admit how much they're struggling. Over time, this isolation can become its own kind of prison, where you feel trapped or alone and unsure of how to move forward. But the truth is you don't have to do this alone.
Speaker 1:It's easy to believe that if you're stronger or better at managing things, that you're not going to need help. Many people feel like they should be able to fix the situation themselves, whether that means helping their loved ones get sober, keeping the family together or preventing everything from falling apart. But addiction is bigger than any one person. You are not responsible for fixing someone else's addictions. You are, however, responsible for taking care of yourself, and sometimes that means admitting that you need help. For many, the fear of what happens next is just as overwhelming as the addiction itself. What if setting boundaries makes things worse? What if my loved one gets angry or leaves? What if my family starts to fall apart? These fears are completely valid. Change is uncomfortable, and when you start prioritizing your own well-being, not everyone is going to like it, especially if they've been used to you sacrificing yourself for them. But staying in the same pain cycle isn't the answer either. Healing starts when you decide that your well-being matters as well.
Speaker 1:Asking for help doesn't mean that you failed. It means that you're strong enough to recognize that you deserve support too, whether it's talking to a trusted friend, joining a support group or seeking therapy. Taking that first step can be scary, but it's also the key to breaking free from the weight of carrying it all alone. You don't have to do this by yourself. There are many support groups out there specifically for family members, partners and friends of people who are struggling with addiction, and these groups can offer guidance. They're community and practical tools to help you set boundaries, heal and take back control of your life. They provide a safe space where you can share your experiences, learn from others and to remind yourself that you don't have to go through this alone. Groups like Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous CODA for short are just two of the many options available to support loved ones of addicts.
Speaker 1:At the end of this episode, I'm going to go through eight different support groups, what they focus on, how they can help and where you can find them. But before I get into the different support groups available, I wanted to take a moment to talk about something else. First, over the past few weeks, I've been spending time on social media connecting with people who've been deeply affected by a loved one's addiction. I've asked them questions like what are some of the misconceptions or myths that people need to know when they're in a relationship with someone who's struggling with addiction? Need to know when they're in a relationship with someone who's struggling with addiction. Their answers were powerful and eye-opening and incredibly relatable Loving someone with an addiction can be incredibly confusing and painful.
Speaker 1:Many partners and family members in these relationships hold on to beliefs that feel true but actually keep them stuck in unhealthy cycles. So before we go over the different support options, I want to share some of the most common misconceptions and the realities behind them. The first misconception is if I love them enough, they will change. When you love someone struggling with an addiction, it's natural to believe that if you just love them enough, support them enough or try hard enough, that they're going to get better. But the painful truth is love isn't enough to fix an addiction.
Speaker 1:Addiction is a complex disease that affects the brain, emotions and behaviors. It's not just a bad habit or a lack of willpower. No matter how much you care, their recovery is ultimately their responsibility. They have to be the one to recognize that there's a problem, to seek help and to commit to making a change. You can offer support, encouragement and compassion, but you can't do the work for them. You can't make them see what they're not ready to see. You can't force them to go to rehab or attend meetings and you can't love them into sobriety, because addiction doesn't work that way. Imagine someone drowning in a deep ocean, you can throw them a life preserver, offer them help and shout instructions on how to swim, but they have to grab onto the life preserver and do the work to save themselves. If they refuse to reach out for help, no amount of love can pull them out of that water. This doesn't mean that you should stop loving them, but it does mean that you need to set boundaries and to protect your own well-being. Loving someone shouldn't mean losing yourself in their struggles. Sometimes, the most loving thing that you can do is step back and let them take responsibility for their own healing.
Speaker 1:2. It's my fault that they use. When you love someone who struggles with addiction, it's easy to fall into the trap of blaming yourself. You might wonder if you could have done something differently. If you had been more patient, more loving or more supportive, maybe things wouldn't have gotten this bad. But here's the truth you did not cause their addiction. Their choices and their behaviors and their struggles are not a reflection of your love or your worth or anything that you did or didn't do. Addiction is a complex disease and many factors contribute to it, including past traumas, mental health issues and genetic and brain chemistry. No amount of love or care or sacrifice on your part could have prevented their addiction. It is their struggle to face and their work to do and their recovery to choose. You might feel responsible because you've been deeply involved in their life, picking up the pieces when they fall or covering up their mistakes or trying to protect them from consequences, but that's not your job. It's theirs. Your responsibility is to take care of your own well-being and your own healing and your own happiness.
Speaker 1:Letting go of guilt doesn't mean that you stop caring. It means you recognize that you can't control another person's choices. You can offer love and support, but you can't save them. That's something that only they can do for themselves. Three if I leave, they'll fall apart or get worse.
Speaker 1:One of the hardest things about loving someone with an addiction is the fear of what will happen if you step away. You might feel like you're the only thing keeping them from completely spiraling out of control. Maybe they've even told you that if you leave, they'll have nothing left to live for, or that you're the only person who truly cares. That fear can be paralyzing, but here's the truth. Staying in a toxic, codependent relationship doesn't save them. It often enables them to continue using.
Speaker 1:There's a big difference between helping someone and enabling them. Helping means supporting their recovery in a healthy way, encouraging them to seek treatment, holding them accountable and setting firm boundaries. Enabling means that you're protecting them from their consequences. You're covering up for their mistakes or sacrificing your own well-being in the hopes that they'll change. If you're constantly rescuing them, making excuses for them or putting their needs above your own, they have no real reason to change because their addiction isn't costing them enough. You're absorbing the fallout instead.
Speaker 1:Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care. Walking away or setting boundaries or choosing to put yourself first doesn't mean that you don't love them. It means that you love yourself enough to stop letting their addiction control your life. And while it might feel like leaving will cause them to spiral, the reality is that they're already spiraling. Their addiction is already harming them and you staying in this situation isn't going to stop that. It's just keeping you stuck in that damage alongside them.
Speaker 1:Sometimes the hardest but most loving thing that you can do is to let them face the reality of their addiction without your constant support. This doesn't mean that you have to cut them off completely, unless that's the best thing for you to do or that's what you want to do, but it does mean stepping back. You set clear boundaries and protecting your own mental and emotional health. At the end of the day, you're not responsible for the recovery only they are and you deserve a life that isn't built around managing someone else's addiction. They just need more support, and I'm the only one who can help.
Speaker 1:When you love someone struggling with addiction, it's easy to believe that if you just give them enough support, that they're finally going to get better. You might think, if I stay, if I encourage them, if I pick up the pieces, they'll change. But here's the hard truth you are not their rehab, you're not their therapist and you're not their savior. While love and encouragement can make a big difference, addiction recovery requires more than just support. It requires professional help, accountability and personal effort. No matter how much you care, you can't do the work for them. Addiction is a disease. It often requires therapy, medical treatment or structured recovery programs to heal, and accountability is key. If you keep stepping in to fix their mistakes and they don't experience the real consequences of their actions, they're not going to get better. They have to want recovery for themselves and no amount of love or effort can force them to change if they're not ready.
Speaker 1:Believing that you're the only one who can help puts an enormous burden on you and it keeps them dependent on you rather than taking ownership for the recovery. This can lead to burnout. You exhaust yourself trying to keep everything together Resentment you start to feel used, unappreciated or frustrated, codependent. Your self-worth becomes tied to their progress or their failures. It's okay to step back. Letting go of the idea that you are their only hope doesn't mean that you don't love them. It means okay to step back.
Speaker 1:Letting go of the idea that you are their only hope doesn't mean that you don't love them. It means that you're recognizing the limits of what you can do. You can support them without sacrificing yourself. Instead of trying to fix everything, focus on encouraging them to seek professional help, either therapy, rehab or support groups. Setting healthy boundaries so you don't get pulled into the chaos of their addiction. Taking care of yourself so you don't lose your own identity in the process.
Speaker 1:At the end of the day, real change has to come from them, and sometimes stepping back and letting them take responsibility is the most loving thing that you can do. Five if they loved me, they would stop. Addiction has nothing to do with how much they love you. It's a powerful, powerful disease and it rewires the brain and makes substances or behaviors feel like a survival need. Their struggle is not a reflection of their feelings for you. 6. Things will get better if I just try harder. No matter how much effort you put in, you can't control someone else's addiction. You can set boundaries, take care of yourself and make changes for your own well-being, but their recovery is in their hands.
Speaker 1:7. I should stay for the kids. Many parents in relationships with an addict struggle with the belief that staying is the best option for their children. You might think if I leave, my kids are going to lose their family. They need both parents and it's going to be too disruptive for them. But here's the hard truth.
Speaker 1:Children are deeply affected by addiction, by toxic relationships and by emotional instability. If a child grows up in an environment filled with unpredictability, conflict, emotional neglect or substance abuse, it doesn't just hurt them in the moment. It shapes how they view relationships for the rest of their lives. Children absorb everything around them. Even if they don't fully understand addiction, they feel the tension, they feel the instability and the emotional toll that it takes on the family when they grow up in a home where addiction is present. They're going to learn that love means chaos. If they see you constantly stressed, walking around on eggshells and cleaning up after an addict's messes, they may grow up thinking that this is what relationships are supposed to look like. They learn that their feelings don't matter If a parent is unpredictable or emotionally unavailable due to addiction. Children may learn to suppress their emotions and to avoid conflict just to keep the peace. They learn that enabling and codependency are normal. Watching you overfunction, rescue or cover up for the addicted person. It's going to teach them that their job is to take care of others at the expense of yourself. They learn that addiction is just a part of life.
Speaker 1:Growing up around substance abuse increases the risk of children developing addictions later on in their lives, not just the substances, but to the unhealthy relationships and behaviors. Leaving doesn't mean that you're removing the other parent from their lives completely, unless that's necessary for their safety. It means creating a stable, peaceful environment where your kids don't have to grow up in constant uncertainty. You deserve peace, and so do your kids. Eight. They're not that bad compared to other addicts.
Speaker 1:Addictions exist on a spectrum and just because they haven't hit rock bottom doesn't mean that their behavior isn't harmful. Minimizing the problem can keep you in a situation that continues to drain you emotionally, mentally and even physically. Nine if they get sober, everything is going to be okay. It's easy to believe that once your loved one stops drinking, using drugs or engaging in addictive behaviors, everything is going to go back to normal, that the relationship will heal, the pain will disappear and you'll finally have the peace that you've been hoping for. But the reality is that sobriety is just the first step, and it's a big one, but it doesn't automatically fix all the damage addiction has caused.
Speaker 1:Addiction leaves emotional damage, even after someone stops using. The emotional wounds that they created during active addiction don't just go away. There's broken trust, resentment, betrayal and emotional neglect. They're not going to go away overnight. If they've lied, stole or hurt you emotionally, those scars don't heal just because they're sober now. If their addiction left you exhausted, anxious or walking on eggshells, those feelings don't heal just because they're sober now. If their addiction left you exhausted, anxious or walking on eggshells, those feelings don't just magically go away. If your relationship became codependent and unhealthy, those patterns won't change just because they're not using anymore.
Speaker 1:Sobriety doesn't mean emotional maturity. A person who's struggling with addiction may have used substances to cope with stress, trauma or emotions. Once they're sober, they may still lack those healthy coping skills that they need to get through the days. They might struggle with emotional outbursts, anger or shutting down when things are difficult. They may have difficulty taking responsibility for any past behaviors, even in their recovery behaviors. Even in their recovery, they could transfer their addictive tendencies to other areas like workaholism, controlling behaviors or unhealthy relationships.
Speaker 1:Recovery is an ongoing process. Getting sober is not the finish line. It's just the starting point. True recovery means working through the underlying issues that fueled the addiction in the first place. Just because they've stopped drinking or using doesn't mean that they've addressed their past trauma, insecurities or emotional wounds. Many recovering addicts still need to learn how to communicate and process emotions and rebuild trust in relationships.
Speaker 1:Your healing matters too. You may have spent years sacrificing your own well-being for their addiction and now it's time to focus on your own recovery, boundaries and self-care. The relationship might not survive sobriety. This is a tough reality, but sometimes, even when someone gets sober, the relationship is still not healthy. The dynamic may have been built around addiction and once that's removed, you may realize that there are deeper issues that remain. They may focus so much on their recovery that they struggle to give emotional support to you. Or if the relationship was toxic, codependent or emotionally damaging, sobriety alone doesn't fix those problems. So here's what you can do instead Instead of believing that sobriety will fix everything, focus on your own healing attending therapy, joining support groups for yourself like Al-Anon or CODA, or setting new boundaries, rebuilding trust. Slowly Give time and space for real emotional repair, not just the absence of substance use Observing their actions. Are they working on their personal growth or are they just expecting things to be normal now? Sobriety is a huge step in the right direction, but it's not a magic fix for all the problems addiction has caused. Healing takes time for both of you. It's okay to celebrate their progress, while they're also acknowledging that you have your own journey of healing, self-discovery and setting boundaries ahead of you.
Speaker 1:I've talked a lot about setting boundaries, but you might be wondering what does that actually mean? Boundaries are simply limits that you set to protect your emotional well-being. They help you avoid enabling unhealthy behaviors and create a healthier dynamic in your relationship. Here are a few examples of boundaries that can help you take care of yourself while you're supporting a loved one with addiction. 1. Boundaries around financial support. I will not give you money, no matter how much you say you need it. I will not pay for your rent bills or cover any financial consequences of your addiction. If you live with me, you must contribute financially or follow household agreements. Why this is an important boundary? Addicted individuals often manipulate or guilt trip their loved ones into financial help, but giving money often enables the addiction rather than helping them recover.
Speaker 1:Two boundaries around communication. I will not answer the phone calls or texts while you're intoxicated or high. If our conversation becomes disrespectful, I will end the call or leave. I am happy to talk, but I will not argue or listen to excuses for your addiction. Why this boundary is important Protecting your mental and emotional energy is really important. You don't have to engage in manipulative or draining conversations. Three boundaries around behaviors in your home. You can't use drugs or alcohol in my home. If you come home intoxicated, you will not be allowed to stay. If you are aggressive, disrespectful or violent, I will call the police or ask you to leave. Why this boundary is important your home should be a safe and peaceful space, and allowing substance use inside can make you feel uncomfortable or even unsafe.
Speaker 1:4. Boundaries around your time and emotional well-being. I will not cancel my plans or put my life on hold to take care of your crises. I need time for myself, so I'm not going to be available 24-7 to solve your problems. If you want my support, you must also respect my needs and my boundaries. Why this boundary is important? Addiction can consume your life if you let it. You deserve time for yourself, for your goals and your happiness.
Speaker 1:5. Boundaries around their recovery. I will support you if you seek help, but I will not force or beg you to get sober. I will not cover up your addiction or make excuses for your behavior. If you choose not to seek help, I have to step back and protect my own well-being. Why is this boundary important? Recovery has to be their choice. You can support them, but you can't force them into it.
Speaker 1:6. Boundaries around your involvement in their problems. I will not bail you out of jail. I will not lie for you or cover up the consequences of your actions. I will not take responsibility for your work, school or personal obligations. I will not take care of your responsibilities when you're unable to function. Why is this important? When you rescue them from consequences. They don't experience the reality of their addiction, which makes it easier for them to continue using. Which makes it easier for them to continue using.
Speaker 1:7. Boundaries around your relationship. If you refuse to get help, I may need to step away from this relationship. I will not stay in a relationship where I feel unsafe, disrespected or constantly hurt. If your addiction continues to affect our relationship, I will have to consider separation. Why is this boundary important? You're allowed to prioritize your well-being. If the relationship is toxic, abusive or draining, setting strong boundaries or leaving might be necessary.
Speaker 1:Whatever boundaries you choose to put in place, enforcing the boundary is the hard part. Setting boundaries is only effective if you follow through. If you say I will not give you money, but then you do it anyway, the boundary is going to lose all of its meaning. Addicted individuals may push back, get angry, guilt trip or test your limits, but standing firm is crucial for both your well-being and theirs. Remember that boundaries are not about punishing them. They are about protecting yourself and creating a healthier dynamic. You can love someone and still set limits on what you will and what you won't accept.
Speaker 1:One of the last myths I wanted to talk about is I'm alone in this. The truth is that you're not alone. So many partners and loved ones have been in your shoes and found healing through therapy, support groups and breaking free from codependent patterns. Groups like Al-Anon and Codependence Anonymous and Therapy can help you regain your sense of self, set boundaries and heal, whether you choose to stay or leave. There are many programs out there and I'm going to list them here. Feel free to grab a pen and paper and see which programs might be best for you. Al-anon and Nar-Anon is for family members and friends of people struggling with alcohol or drug addiction. So for alcohol, you would be looking at Al-Anon, and for drug addiction, you'd be looking at Nar-Anon. It offers 12-step based support systems where you can share your experiences, learn about addiction and find healthier ways to cope. It teaches you how to detach with love, stop enabling and focus on your own well-being. So the websites for these organizations are wwwal-anonorg and wwwnar-anonorg.
Speaker 1:Codependence Anonymous CODA for short is for people struggling with codependency, people pleasing and enabling relationships, including those affected by loved one's addictions. This is a 12-step based program focused on building self-esteem, setting boundaries and breaking unhealthy relationship patterns. It helps you focus on yourself instead of obsessing over trying to fix someone else. The website for this organization is wwwcodaorg. Smart Recovery Family and Friends. This is for loved ones of people with addictions who prefer a science-based approach instead of a 12-step model. It teaches practical tools to stop enabling, set healthy boundaries and communicate effectively using evidence-based techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy. The website for this organization is wwwsmartrecoveryorg. Forward slash family Families Anonymous. This is a 12-step program similar to Al-Anon, and it's got meetings for families and members seeking support, healing and healthy coping mechanisms. They can be reached at wwwfamiliesanonymousorg.
Speaker 1:Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. This is a 12-step program for adults who grew up in homes that were affected by alcoholism, drug use or dysfunction. It focuses on breaking generational cycles and healing childhood wounds that might still affect your adult relationships. Their website is wwwadultchildrenorg. Learn to cope. This is for parents and caregivers of individuals struggling with an opioid or substance addiction. It offers education, peer support and access to medication-assisted treatment resources. The website is wwwlearn2copeorg. So learn2copeorg.
Speaker 1:Parents of Addicted Loved Ones Acronym is PAL. This is for parents who have children struggling with addiction. It offers faith-based support, education and guidance on helping without enabling. Their website is wwwpalgrouporg. Grasp stands for Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing. This is a grief support network for anyone who has lost a loved one due to substance addiction. It provides healing through community understanding and grief resources. They can be reached at wwwgrasphelporg that's G-R-A-S-P-H-E-L-Porg.
Speaker 1:Being in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction is incredibly difficult, and it's important to remember that you have choices. You can choose to protect your well-being by stepping away and loving them from a distance, or you can choose to stay in the relationship while setting boundaries and prioritizing your mental health. You also have the option to continue as things are, but it's important to recognize the impact that that choice might have on you in the long term. The most important thing to know is that you are not powerless. This is your life and only you can decide what path is best for your health, for your happiness and your future. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself.
Speaker 1:I will meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when we will be talking about addictions and other co-occurring mental health disorders. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me, and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.