Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Living Authentically: Embracing Diversity in the LGBTQ Community
In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I delve into the complexities of gender identity and the experiences of the LGBTQ+ community, particularly in the context of codependency. I begin by emphasizing the importance of acceptance and respect for all individuals, regardless of their differences. I share my unwavering support for the LGBTQ+ community and create a safe space for open dialogue.
Throughout history, human diversity has existed, yet societal norms have often imposed rigid categories around gender and love. I discuss how these norms can lead to feelings of discomfort and resistance when faced with identities that challenge traditional beliefs. Drawing from my own experiences, I illustrate how societal expectations can dictate personal choices and the impact this has on mental health.
I explore the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ+ individuals, particularly regarding codependency, which can manifest as people-pleasing and difficulty setting boundaries. Many in the community have experienced rejection and discrimination, leading to deep-seated fears of abandonment. I highlight the importance of self-worth and the need to prioritize self-care, encouraging listeners to break free from codependent patterns.
As I reflect on the current political climate, I express my concern for the increasing fear and discrimination faced by marginalized groups, particularly in the U.S. I examine how codependency and the need for control can contribute to resistance against those who challenge societal norms. I invite listeners to engage in self-reflection and to approach differences with curiosity and compassion.
Ultimately, I remind everyone that we all seek to feel seen, valued, and free to be ourselves. By embracing diversity and allowing others to exist authentically, we can create a more vibrant and connected world. I encourage those struggling with their identity to know they are not alone and that their existence is valid. I conclude by inviting listeners to join me next week as we explore the themes of jealousy and envy. Thank you for tuning in!
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Today we're diving into gender identity, the LGBTQ plus community and why some people struggle to accept those who are different from them. In recent years, we've seen both progress and setbacks in how society views and treats marginalized communities, and for many in the LGBTQ plus community, the current climate has become increasingly uncertain, even frightening at times. No one can dictate how another person feels inside, just as no one can dictate who we love or how we experience the world. So today we're also going to be exploring why difference is often met with resistance and how we can move towards a mindset of acceptance, respect and authenticity. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 34th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. Today's episode, we're going to be focusing on the LGBTQ communities and how this might relate to codependency. It's important for me to start by saying that I fully support the LGBTQ community and this podcast is a safe space for everyone. Well like, unless you're a sociopath. But let's be honest, they're probably not listening anyway. I strive to be respectful and intentional with the language that I use, but if I slip up or say something that doesn't sit right, please know that it's not intentional. I welcome feedback and would love to hear from you. My email is going to be in the show notes below.
Speaker 1:Throughout history, human diversity has always existed Diversity in gender identity, sexual orientation and how people experience themselves in their own skin. We like to think that conversations about gender and identity are new, but they're not. In ancient societies, whether it was Indigenous two-spirit identities, the Hydras of South Asia or openly queer relationships in ancient Greece, there's always been an understanding that human identity is more than just a simple binary. Yet at some point, society has created these rigid categories, deciding that there could only be two genders or that love must fit into specific molds and that anything outside of these norms was wrong. People started drawing hard lines around what was considered to be acceptable, and anyone who didn't fit was pushed outside towards the margins. And anyone who didn't fit was pushed outside towards the margins. These ideas weren't based on nature, but on cultural beliefs that have shifted over time. Queer people have always been here across all civilizations, all cultures, in every era. Yet somewhere along the way someone convinced others that they were bad or unnatural.
Speaker 1:We've been taught that men are supposed to look and act one way, women another, and that's that. But nature doesn't work that way. Biology is messy. It's diverse and full of exceptions. As a doctor, I know that biology itself is full of diversity. We're often taught that sex is as simple as male or female, but that's not the full picture. Intersex people who are born with variations in chromosomes or hormones or reproductive anatomy are living proof that nature doesn't fit neatly into these binary boxes. Even when we look at chromosomes, there's more possibilities than just XX and XY, and some people might live their whole lives never realizing that their genetic makeup is different from what they were told at birth. Biology's full of complexity and gender.
Speaker 1:How we experience and understand ourselves is just as diverse From the time that we're little. Ourselves is just as diverse From the time that we're little. We're given all these subtle and sometimes not so subtle messages about who we should be. A little boy picks up a doll and someone swaps it out for a truck. Or a girl wants to climb trees and wear cargo pants and someone gently suggests that she put on a pink dress instead. We don't even think twice about it because it's so ingrained in us. But for some people these expectations feel completely wrong. It's like being handed a script for a role in a play that just doesn't fit with who you are.
Speaker 1:I love working in my yard. I love cutting the lawn and trimming trees and building things in my garage. My dad was a carpenter and he taught me how to fix and create things, and I love that kind of work. Now, if someone told me that I had to stop doing all of that and insisted that I spend my days sitting by a fire doing needlepoint or focusing only on cooking and child rearing, I'd be miserable. That's just not who I am. I've never enjoyed working in the kitchen and while I love my children deeply, I also found fulfillment in working or going to medical school.
Speaker 1:Yet I've had people say things like aren't your children enough for you, or wouldn't you be happier as a nurse instead of a doctor, as if my life and my career choices should be dictated by someone else's expectations. There is no consideration in there for what actually makes me happy or what feels right to me. People were trying to tell me my role, how I should parent and what I should value, instead of trusting that I know what's best for my own life, we all want to have control over our own lives and our own decisions. I imagine that this is something that people in the LGBTQ plus communities can relate to being told who you should be, how you should feel or who you should love, without any regard for what actually feels right to you. But only you know what's best for you, whether it's about your gender identity, your relationships or the life that you want to build. No one else gets to define that for you. If you're someone who has never questioned your gender or who you love, it might be really hard for you to understand what that might feel like. But imagine waking up every day and being told that you have to live your life as someone that you're not. Imagine constantly being expected to perform a role that doesn't feel right just to make others feel more comfortable. It's exhausting and, over time that pressure can lead to deep anxiety, depression and even shame.
Speaker 1:I'm going to talk about codependency and the LGBTQ plus community, but this doesn't mean that all members of the LGBTQ plus communities are codependent. But this show is on codependency, so I'm going to talk about it a little. Codependency can affect anyone, but for those in the LGBTQ plus communities it often comes with unique challenges. Many people in these communities have faced rejection, discrimination or family estrangement, which can create deep seated fears of abandonment and a need for validation. This can lead to patterns of people pleasing, over-functioning in relationships and maybe some difficulty setting boundaries. These are all hallmarks of codependency. For example, if someone grew up in a household that didn't accept their identity, they might have learned to suppress their needs and maybe focus on keeping others happy just to avoid conflict.
Speaker 1:This survival strategy can carry into adulthood and it can make it hard to advocate for yourself in relationships, in workplaces or even friendships. Fear of being alone or feeling unlovable might lead to staying in unhealthy relationships or tolerating mistreatment. You might feel responsible for other people's happiness. Codependency can also manifest in caretaking dynamics, where someone may feel pressure to constantly educate, manage or prove their worth to partners, family or society. You might not feel like you can just be yourself. You might feel that you need to work harder or be nicer or be more accommodating just to prove that you're a worthy person. It might also be difficult to set boundaries for fear of upsetting others.
Speaker 1:Breaking free from codependent patterns starts with the realization that your worth isn't defined by how much you do for others, how well you meet their expectations or whether they approve of you. For many, codependency is deeply ingrained, even stemming from childhood experiences, societal conditioning or relationships where self-sacrifice was mistaken for love. Letting go of these patterns means shifting your focus inward and learning to value yourself independent of any external validation. Healing requires setting boundaries, which isn't about shutting people out, but about protecting your energy and your well-being. It means recognizing when you're giving too much, saying no without guilt and allowing others to take responsibility for their own choices. Prioritizing self-care is another key piece Understanding that your needs matter just as matches anyone else's, and that taking care of yourself isn't selfish, but it's necessary. When relationships are built on mutual respect, emotional balance and healthy communication, they become sources of support rather than stress.
Speaker 1:The journey towards healthier relationships doesn't have to be taken alone. There are support groups like Codependence Anonymous or CODA for short therapy and affirming communities that can provide guidance. They might provide some encouragement and a sense of belonging. Surrounding yourself with people who understand what you're going through can help reinforce your progress and remind you that you don't have to lose yourself just to be loved. Breaking free from codependency is a process, but with self-awareness, compassion and the right support, you can step into a life where you feel valued, not for what you do for others, but simply for who you are. Having this supportive community, it's what's needed to thrive, but it can sometimes be hard to find and you never know who you're going to meet, whether it be friend or foe. Whenever you turn the corner, there's always some uncertainty about whether or not you're safe.
Speaker 1:I chose this topic today because I've had a few really distressing office visits in my clinic this week, and I suspect that it's only the beginning. Members of the LGBTQ community are fleeing from the United States out of fear. If you had asked me six months ago, I truly believed that we were moving in the right direction, towards a society that valued openness, acceptance and human dignity. It felt like real progress. More people were able to live authentically, feeling safe in their identities and supported by their communities, and while that still seems to be the case here in Canada, identities and supported by their communities. And while that still seems to be the case here in Canada, the tide has shifted elsewhere. The 2024 US elections brought a wave of policies and rhetoric that have pushed marginalized groups, especially transgender individuals and other members of the broader LGBTQ plus communities, into the center of political battles, making them targets of discrimination and hate. It feels like we've been thrown backwards in time, undoing years of hard-fought progress. What's even more heartbreaking is that we're seeing more and more people seeking refuge in Canada, seeking refuge from the US, a country that has symbolized freedom, because they're afraid for their lives.
Speaker 1:In one of my roles as a physician, I perform immigration physicals, and over the years I've worked with many refugees from war-torn countries, places that were so dangerous that I can't even imagine living there. But now I'm meeting people who are fleeing from America. It's so shocking to me. I have lots of family in the US and I've traveled there often, and I've always admired its spirit of resilience and liberty. To see people seeking asylum from a country that has long prided itself on being the land of the free is so deeply unsettling for me, people are scared for their lives. I don't typically discuss politics, but the speed at which rights are being stripped away and fear is being stoked is really scary to me. It's hard to stay silent when you see real people suffering as a result of policy decisions that are meant to erase their existence.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to make sense of what's happening, why some people feel such an intense fear, resentment or even hatred towards an entire group of people. There are likely many reasons for this, but one perspective that's worth exploring is how codependency and the need for control might play a role. For some people with codependent tendencies, control is often a coping mechanism. It's a way to create a sense of stability and predictability in relationships and the world around them. While this is not the case for all codependent individuals, it can help explain why some struggle with accepting people who challenge their understanding of what's normal and I use air quotes here including members of the LGBTQ plus community, particularly transgender and non-binary individuals.
Speaker 1:The way we're raised and the messages that we receive about gender identity and relationships are going to shape how we perceive and react to difference. If we were taught that love and acceptance were conditional or that things had to fit neatly into predefined roles. Encountering someone who lives outside of those expectations can feel unsettling, sometimes Not because they are wrong, but because their existence challenges deeply ingrained beliefs. Imagine growing up in a household where strict gender roles were the norm. Boys played sports, girls played with dolls and any deviation was met with disapproval. If a boy showed interest in dance instead of football, he might have been told to act like a man. Or if a girl preferred climbing trees over playing dress-up, she might have been encouraged to be more ladylike. These subtles, or sometimes overt, messages reinforce a rigid worldview where things are supposed to fit neatly into these predefined boxes. Now fast forward to adulthood.
Speaker 1:Someone who was raised in this environment might struggle when they meet a non-binary person who doesn't fit those expectations, not always because they're hateful, but because their brain has been conditioned to associate deviation from gender norms with something wrong or maybe unnatural. The unfamiliarity feels threatening to them, not to their safety, but to their understanding of how the world is supposed to work. Codependent patterns are often rooted in the need to manage or fix others, whether by ensuring harmony, seeking approval or shaping people into something that feels safer and more familiar. When someone's identity doesn't align with what we were taught to expect, the instinct might be to reject, correct or maybe deny, not necessarily out of hate, but out of fear of what it means for our own worldview. This doesn't mean that all codependent people struggle with this, but it does highlight how the need to control can make it difficult to embrace things that don't fit neatly into a controlled framework.
Speaker 1:Recognizing this can be an opportunity for self-reflection. It's an invitation to examine where our discomfort comes from and whether it truly belongs to us or if it was something that we were conditioned to believe belongs to us, or if it was something that we were conditioned to believe. Consider a parent with codependent tendencies who spent their life managing and fixing everything for their children, choosing their activities, setting high expectations and making sure that they followed a traditional life path. If their child later comes out as being trans or gay, the parent might react with denial or insist that it's just a phase. This isn't always due to hatred. It can stem from their deep-seated belief that they know what's best and that their child's identity is something to be fixed so that they can fit into the life that that parent envisioned for them.
Speaker 1:This example highlights how deeply ingrained patterns of control, codependency and societal conditioning can make it difficult for some to accept differences, because they challenge the worldview that once felt stable to them and more predictable. This applies not only to the LGBTQ plus community, but to many other marginalized groups as well, who are seen as being different from the perceived norm, from the perceived norm At its core. Resistance to marginalized groups often comes from fear the fear of the unfamiliar, the fear of losing control, the fear that acknowledging a different way of being might mean questioning one's own beliefs. But true strength doesn't come from controlling others or forcing them to conform. It comes from expanding our understanding, making space for different perspectives and recognizing that diversity is not a threat. It's what makes this world richer and more complex and more beautiful. No one has to fully understand someone's experience to respect it. No one has to agree with everything in order to accept that it's real and meaningful for someone else.
Speaker 1:Letting go of the need to define or dictate other people's identities is a powerful act of healing for anyone who has struggled with control as a way to cope. Instead of trying to reshape the world to fit a rigid idea of what's comfortable, what if we shifted our energy towards curiosity, towards compassion and trust, the more we allow people to be themselves, the more that we're going to free ourselves too. At the end of the day, we all want the same thing to feel seen, valued and free to be ourselves. When we stop forcing people into boxes that they don't fit into, we create a world where everyone has the chance to live with authenticity and dignity. People thrive when they are accepted for who they are, not when they're pressured to conform to someone else's expectations. Think about how much lighter life feels when you don't have to hide parts of yourself just to make others comfortable. Now imagine extending that freedom to everyone. How much more vibrant, creative and connected our world could be if we embrace differences instead of fearing them.
Speaker 1:So if you're someone who's struggling with your identity, just know that there's nothing wrong with you. You are not broken, you're not alone and you don't need to justify your existence to anyone. The world is working up to what has always been true that human beings are beautifully diverse. Love is diverse and there is no one right way to exist. It's okay if you're still figuring things out. You're worthy of respect, acceptance and love exactly as you are, in whatever way feels most true to you, and you don't need to do anything to prove yourself to anyone, and if you're someone who's struggling to understand all of this, just remember that you don't have to have all the answers to be kind. Growth doesn't happen overnight, and it's okay to feel uncertain or to have questions. What matters most is being open to listening, open to learning and to respecting people's rights to define themselves. You don't have to fully understand someone's experience to acknowledge that it's real and valid to them. The most powerful thing that you can do for one another is to create space for people to be themselves without fear, without shame and without limits.
Speaker 1:I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, where I'm going to be talking about jealousy and envy. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.