Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
Jealousy and Envy: Shifting Your Mindset for Healthier Relationships
In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I delve into the complex emotions of jealousy and envy—two feelings that many of us grapple with but often struggle to understand. As we explore these emotions, I aim to shed light on how they can impact our self-worth and relationships, particularly in the context of codependency.
I begin by discussing the common experience of feeling jealous or envious, whether it’s triggered by a friend’s engagement or someone’s apparent confidence. These emotions, while natural, can lead to feelings of insecurity, bitterness, and even resentment if left unchecked. I emphasize that jealousy and envy are not inherently bad; rather, they serve as signals that reveal our fears and values.
To clarify the distinction between the two, I explain that jealousy is the fear of losing something we already possess, while envy is the desire for something someone else has. I provide relatable examples to illustrate how these emotions manifest in our lives, such as feeling threatened when a partner spends time with someone attractive (jealousy) or longing for a friend’s relationship (envy).
Throughout the episode, I highlight how these feelings can become particularly overwhelming in codependent relationships, where self-worth is often tied to external validation. I discuss various ways jealousy can manifest, including the fear of being replaced, the need for constant reassurance, controlling behaviors, and feelings of rejection over minor actions.
I also address how envy can show up in our lives, often leading to comparisons that diminish our self-esteem. I encourage listeners to shift their mindset from comparison to inspiration, reminding them that everyone has their own unique journey.
To help manage these emotions, I share practical strategies for shifting our perspectives. This includes recognizing and naming our feelings, practicing gratitude, challenging negative thoughts, and strengthening our sense of self. I emphasize that healing from jealousy and envy is a process, and while we may still experience these emotions, they don’t have to control our lives.
As we wrap up the episode, I invite listeners to reflect on their own experiences with jealousy and envy, encouraging them to journal about recent triggers and how they can reframe these feelings into something constructive. I also remind them that they are not alone in this journey and that fostering a better re
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Have you ever caught yourself thinking why them and not me? Or what if I lose what I have? Jealousy and envy are emotions that we all experience, but when they take over, they can leave us feeling insecure, bitter or even out of control. Maybe you feel a pang of jealousy when a friend gets engaged, or envy when you see someone effortlessly confident in ways that you wish you could be. These emotions don't make you a bad person, but if they're left unchecked, they can damage your relationships and your self-worth. In today's episode, we're breaking down the difference between jealousy and envy, how and why they show up in our codependent relationships and, most importantly, how to shift our mindset so that they don't control your life. Let's dive in our mindset so that they don't control your life. Let's dive in.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr, Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 35th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent.
Speaker 1:Today's episode is focusing on jealousy and envy, that lurking green-eyed monster that can take over before we even realize it. These emotions are powerful, sometimes irrational and often destructive. When left unchecked, they can consume us, leading to resentment, self-doubt and even fractured relationships. But here's the thing Jealousy and envy aren't just bad emotions. They're signals. They tell us something about ourselves, our fears and what we value. Maybe jealousy comes from insecurity or a fear of being replaced. Maybe envy shows up because we're stuck in a life that we don't like and wish that we had someone else's life. The problem isn't feeling jealous or envious. It's what we do with those feelings. Jealousy and envy are often used interchangeably, but they're not the same thing. Understanding the distinction between them can help us manage these emotions a little bit more effectively, instead of letting them control us.
Speaker 1:Jealousy is the fear of losing something that you already have. It's a protective reaction to a perceived threat, whether it's real or imagined At its core. A perceived threat, whether it's real or imagined At its core, it's driven by fear and insecurity, specifically the fear of losing something valuable, whether it be your relationship, recognition or maybe a sense of importance. It often stems from low self-worth, so from past betrayals or unmet emotional needs, and it makes us feel as if we must compete for love or attention or respect. A few examples are you feel anxious when your partner spends more time with someone attractive? You worry that they might lose interest in you. Your best friend forms a new close relationship and instead of feeling happy for them, you're worried that you're being replaced. A co-worker gets praise or recognition for something that you work just as hard on, and it makes you feel undervalued. A new hire maybe gets close to your boss and you fear being overlooked or replaced. In these examples of jealousy, you feel anxiety and worried because you feel that you might lose something.
Speaker 1:Envy, on the other hand, is when we want something that someone else already has. Envy sneaks up on us when we start measuring our lives against someone else's. It's that sinking feeling when you see someone with success, happiness or a lifestyle that you wish that you had. Unlike jealousy, which is about worrying that you might lose something, envy is about feeling like you're missing out, like you got dealt the wrong hand while everyone else is thriving. Examples of envy would be your co-worker gets promoted when you're waiting for your chance. Instead of feeling happy for them, you feel bitter and start doubting your own abilities. Why do they always get ahead while I'm stuck, you scroll through Instagram and see someone on a tropical vacation while you're drowning in work. You start to feel annoyed that your life isn't as exciting. You think to yourself it must be nice to have that kind of freedom. So if we wanted to compare envy and jealousy using examples, it would look like this let's say your best friend gets engaged.
Speaker 1:If you feel jealous, it's because you fear losing something in the process. Maybe your friendship dynamic is going to change and they'll have less time for you. You might feel left behind, wondering if you'll still be as close when they're married. What if they don't need me anymore? Or I feel like I'm being replaced. If you feel envious, it's because you want what they have a loving partner, a proposal and the excitement of starting a new chapter in their lives. You might think, why can't I find someone like that? Or I wish I had what they have. The focus is on your longing for the same experience.
Speaker 1:Jealousy is a natural human emotion, but in codependent relationships it can become overwhelming and unhealthy. Instead of being a passing feeling, it turns into fear, control and insecurity. Many people with codependent tendencies struggle with self-worth, and it makes them feel like they need constant reassurance to feel secure in a relationship. Here's how jealousy can sometimes show up. It can show up in a fear of being replaced. This is that deep-rooted fear that someone that you care about is going to find someone better and leave you behind. In codependent relationship, this fear can feel overwhelming because self-worth is often tied to external validation. An example would be your best friend makes a new friend and instead of trusting that your friendship is solid, you feel threatened by it. You might start feeling possessive, cancelling your own plans to spend more time with them or even making passive-aggressive comments about their new friendship.
Speaker 1:Here's how to shift your mindset. If you're worried about being replaced, remind yourself that love and friendship are not limited. People can care about multiple people at once without it taking away from you. Build your own sense of identity outside of your relationships Instead of focusing on what others are doing. Engage in your own passions and friendships.
Speaker 1:Jealousy can show up if you have a constant need for reassurance, if you often ask questions like are we okay or do you still love me? Because deep down, you're afraid of being abandoned. You may look for frequent verbal affirmations, physical affection or signs of love just to feel secure. For example, your partner has a busy day and isn't as responsive to texts, and instead of assuming that they're just occupied, you panic and assume that they're pulling away. Here's how you can shift your mindset. If you have a constant need for reassurance, understand that love and security should not have to be constantly proven. Trust is built over time, not through repeated validation. Work on self-soothing techniques Instead of relying on others to make you feel okay. Try deep breathing or journaling or reminding yourself of past moments of security.
Speaker 1:Jealousy can show up in controlling behaviors. You feel the need to control who the other person interacts with to reduce your own feelings of insecurity. This can include setting unrealistic expectations, making demands or discouraging relationships outside of your own. An example would be you tell your partner that they can't have those close friendships with people of the opposite sex because it makes you uncomfortable, even though they've never given you a reason not to trust them. You can shift your mindset if you have controlling behaviors by recognizing that controlling someone does not create security. It creates resentment and distance. You can do it by trusting that healthy relationships are built on choice, not pressure. Letting someone have space actually strengthens your relationship, focusing on what you can control your reactions, your self-care and your personal growth.
Speaker 1:Jealousy can look like checking or snooping. You feel anxious when you don't have full visibility into someone else's actions, leading you to check their texts, their emails or social media. You look for signs of danger, like another person taking your place, even when there's no real evidence. For example, your partner leaves their phone on the table and you might feel the urge to go through their messages, even though they've never been unfaithful before. Here's how you can change your mindset. If you're checking in on loved ones or snooping, recognize that snooping comes from a lack of trust. If you feel the need to check, ask yourself why. What's behind this? Remind yourself that trust should be given until there's a real reason to doubt it.
Speaker 1:Jealousy can show up as feeling rejected over small things. A small shift in someone's behavior can make you feel abandoned or maybe unimportant. You may personalize harmless actions, making them mean that the person doesn't care about you anymore. For example, your best friend makes weekend plans with another friend and, instead of seeing it as normal, you take it personally and assume that they don't value your friendship anymore. You can shift your mindset if you're feeling rejected by challenging assumptions. Ask yourself could there be another reason that they didn't invite me? Maybe it was last minute, or maybe they thought you were busy Reminding yourself that one event or one unanswered message does not define your entire relationship. Distract yourself with something fulfilling instead of dwelling on the perceived rejection.
Speaker 1:Now let's talk about envy in codependent relationships. Envy is a tricky emotion and it's one that makes you feel like you're always falling behind, while everyone else seems to have it all together behind while everyone else seems to have it all together. In codependent relationships, envy can be deeply tied to self-worth and it creates feelings of inadequacy and resentment. When you struggle with setting boundaries, prioritizing yourself or feeling secure in who you are, it's easy to look at others and think why can they do it and I can't? So let's explore how envy shows up in codependent relationships and how to shift your mindset.
Speaker 1:Envy can show up as measuring your worth against others. You constantly compare your achievements, relationships or appearance to others and feel like you don't measure up. If someone else is succeeding. It makes you question your own value instead of celebrating their accomplishments. As an example, your friend gets into a healthy, loving relationship while you're still healing from toxic ones. Instead of being happy for them, you feel like a failure and wonder if you'll ever have the same. You can shift your mindset by reminding yourself that your journey is unique. Someone else's success does not mean that you're failing. It just means that they're on a different path than you. Focus on your progress instead of where you think that you should be.
Speaker 1:Envy can show up as you're resenting someone else's independence. Seeing someone set boundaries and confidently prioritize themselves can trigger feelings of envy, especially if you struggle with those things. For example, a co-worker declines extra work and confidently leaves on time while you stay late. You're over committing yourself because you fear disappointing others. Instead of respecting their ability to set limits, you feel resentment towards them. You can shift your mindset if you're resenting someone else's independence. Instead of feeling bitter, use their confidence as inspiration. Ask yourself what's stopping me from doing the same thing. Start practicing small boundaries in your own life, saying no and taking breaks or prioritizing your needs.
Speaker 1:Envy can come from social media comparisons, scrolling through social media and seeing others' travels, buying homes or reaching milestones can make you feel like you're missing out. As an example, you see a friend post about their dream vacation and instead of enjoying the content, you spiral into thoughts of why can't I afford that? My life is so boring in comparison to theirs? You can shift your mindset with this too. Remember that social media is just a highlight reel. People don't post their struggles, their doubts or their failures. So the next time you find yourself spiraling because Becky from high school bought a new house and you're still figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet, just stop and take a deep breath. Social media isn't real life. It's a performance. And if you compare your behind the scenes footage to someone else's blockbuster premiere, of course you're going to feel like you're falling behind, but trust me when I say that you're probably doing just fine. And if certain accounts make you feel worse about yourself, considering on following them or muting them. So where do these feelings come from?
Speaker 1:Jealousy and envy don't just appear out of nowhere. They usually have deep roots in our past, whether it's childhood experiences, past relationships or the constant pressure from social media. These feelings are often shaped by what we've been taught about love, success and self-worth. A lot of our emotional patterns start when we're really young. If we grew up in an environment where love and attention felt conditional, it's no surprise that we'd struggle with jealousy and envy as adults. Were you maybe compared to siblings or classmates? Maybe you always felt like you had to be the best to be able to earn approval, and now, when you see someone succeeding, you feel like you're not good enough. Did love feel like a reward instead of a constant? If you only got praised when you achieved something, had good grades, being easy to handle or making your parents proud, you might have learned that your worth is based on what you do rather than who you are. Did you grow up in an environment where resources like love, attention or praise felt really scarce? If so, jealousy might be a natural response because you feel like there's not enough to go around.
Speaker 1:If you've been hurt in past relationships, whether romantic, platonic or even family relationships, those experiences can shape how you see the world. Have you maybe been betrayed or abandoned before? If someone you loved left, cheated or rejected you, jealousy might kick in as a defense mechanism. You might feel like you constantly have to prove your worth to keep people from leaving. Do you struggle to trust because of past experiences. If your trust has been broken before, it makes sense that you might feel jealous when a partner or friend spends time with someone else. And let's be honest, social media is basically a highlight reel of people's amazing lives. It's hard to compare our everyday struggles to someone else's perfectly curated posts and it's easy to feel like we're falling behind. People don't post their failures, their bad days or their insecurities. You're comparing your reality to someone else's highlight reel. Nobody's going to be posting a selfie with the caption just cried in my car after being ghosted again, or a boomerang of them opening their 15th rejection email.
Speaker 1:Jealousy and envy can sneak up on us and take over our thoughts before we even realize it. But instead of letting these feelings control us, we can learn to recognize them, understand them and shift our perspective. Healing from jealousy and envy doesn't mean that you're never going to feel them again. It just means that they won't have that same power over you. Here's how to manage these emotions and to keep them in check Recognize and name the feeling.
Speaker 1:The first step in healing from jealousy or envy is to notice when it happens, instead of letting it simmer under the surface or turn into resentment. Pause and acknowledge what's going on. Ask yourself what is it exactly that I'm feeling. Is it jealousy, the fear of losing something, or envy, wanting what someone else has? Identify why you're feeling this way. Did something trigger an old insecurity? Naming the feeling takes away some of its power. Instead of just reacting, you can start working through it. So, as an example, you see a friend get a promotion and instead of thinking they don't deserve that, just pause and say I'm feeling envious. Why? Maybe because I wish I had more career success too. Is there something that I can do about that? More career success, too? Is there something that I can do about that? Maybe make a list and focus on your other successes, or sign up for a course that will help you move up in the company, if that's what you really want.
Speaker 1:You can shift from comparison to inspiration. Comparison can make us feel like we're falling behind, but what if, instead of seeing someone else's success as a reminder of what you don't have, you saw it as a motivation? Instead of thinking why do they have that and not me? Ask what can I learn from them? Use their success as proof that what you want is possible for you as well. Remind yourself that everyone has their own journey. You don't see the struggles that they face behind the scenes. If your friend is in a happy relationship and you're single, instead of thinking, why do they get love? And I don't shift your mindset to what qualities do they bring to the relationship that I can work on in my own life, maybe try practicing gratitude, jealousy and envy focus on what's missing, but gratitude shifts the focus to what you already have. Maybe start a gratitude journal and each day, write down three things that you're grateful for. Whenever envy creeps in, stop and name something that you appreciate about your life. Remember that someone else is probably looking at your life and feeling envious as well. So there are qualities that you have that other people might want.
Speaker 1:Challenge negative thoughts. Jealousy and envy often come with harsh self-talk I'll never be that successful. I'm not good enough. I'll always be left behind. These thoughts aren't facts. They're just old patterns. So challenge them, replace I'll never be good enough with. I'm on my own unique journey and swap out. They have something that I don't, for. I have strengths of my own.
Speaker 1:Remind yourself that you are enough, regardless of what anyone else has. Instead of thinking I'll never have a body like theirs. Try saying I can take care of my body in a way that feels good to me. Strengthen your own identity. The stronger your sense of self, the less you'll feel the need to compare. When you truly know who you are, someone else's success doesn't feel like a threat. It's just their path, not yours. So focus on what you love, not what society says that you should want. Spend time doing things that make you feel confident and fulfilled. Surround yourself with people who celebrate you just as you are. If you're envious of someone else's confidence, instead of wishing that you had it, practice building your own. Try new hobbies, set small goals and focus on your strengths instead of wishing that you had it. Practice building your own. Try new hobbies, set small goals and focus on your strengths instead of comparing yourself to others.
Speaker 1:Jealousy and envy are emotions that everyone experience at some point in their lives, but when they're left unchecked, they can take over our thoughts, our relationships and our self-worth. In this episode, we broke down the key differences between jealousy the fear of losing something that you have and envy the longing for something that we don't have. We explored how they show up in codependent relationships and uncovered where these feelings come from, whether it's childhood experiences, past betrayals or unrealistic comparisons that we make through social media. More importantly, we discovered how to manage these emotions in a healthier way. By shifting our perspective from competition to inspiration, practicing gratitude and strengthening our own sense of self, we can release the hold that jealousy and envy have on us. Instead of feeling threatened by other's success or loved, we can learn to trust our own worth and to recognize that we are already enough.
Speaker 1:Jealousy and envy don't make you a bad person. They make you human, but they don't have to run your life. When you recognize them for what they are, challenge the thoughts behind them and focus on your own unique journey, they lose their power over you. The more you embrace your unique path, the less that you're going to feel the need to compare yourself to others. So take a deep breath, trust that you are exactly where you need to be and move forward, knowing that your worth has never depended on what anyone else has.
Speaker 1:Here are some reflection exercises for this week, if you would like to do some journal work. Think about a recent time when you felt jealous or envious. What triggered these feelings? Were you afraid of losing something, or were you wishing for something that you didn't have. Where did these feelings come from? Did you grow up feeling compared to others, needing to prove your worth or fearing being replaced? How can you reframe jealousy or envy into something more constructive, instead of thinking why not me? What can you learn from the person or the situation that triggered these emotions? List five things that you love about your life right now. How can you focus on your own journey instead of comparing yourself to others? If jealousy and envy didn't hold you back, what would you focus on? How can you redirect your energy towards your own growth and happiness?
Speaker 1:If you have a moment, I'd really appreciate it if you could like subscribe and maybe leave a comment on this podcast. It helps others who might benefit find it a little more easily. I've started a newsletter which is loaded with great information on codependency recovery, and I'm also on Blue Sky under the name at Dr Angela Downey. That's at Dr Angela Downey. You can still find me on Facebook and Instagram, so let's be sure to connect soon.
Speaker 1:I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor when I'm going to be talking about burnout. Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace senior doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 9-1-1 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week for another episode of the codependent doctor. We can do this together.