38: The Loneliness Of Healing: Why Growth Feels So Isolating At First

Healing is powerful—but it can also feel lonely. In this episode, I explore the emotional shift that happens when you set boundaries and leave behind people-pleasing.

We discuss:

• Why loneliness is a normal part of growth
• How relationships may shift as you change
• How to embrace the quiet instead of fearing it

I also share tools to help you:

• Reconnect with yourself
• Explore joy and curiosity
• Find safe, supportive spaces

Loneliness isn’t a setback—it’s where your real self begins to emerge.

📗 My Books: Enough as I Am (codependency recovery) Enough as I Grow (365 day guide journal). Affiliate disclosure: I am an affiliate parner with Amazon and therefore receive a commission at no cost to you.

📘 Great Books on Codependency

📙My Favorite books: 

Daring Greatly by Brenee Brown, It Begins With You by Jillian Turecki, Becoming Bulletproof by Evy Poumpouras, The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshmin. 

Affiliate disclosure: I am an affiliate parner with Amazon and therefore receive a commission at no cost to you.

📰 Sign up for my Newsletter

🛜 My Website DrAngelaDowney

Email: codependentdoctor@gmail.com
Social Media links: Here
🎵 Music: Touching The Air by Graceful Movement

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:45

Everyone talks about healing like it's this empowering beautiful thing and it is . But what people don't talk about enough is how lonely it can feel at times . When you start setting boundaries and walking away from toxic patterns or saying no to things that once defined you . It can feel like you've stepped off the edge of a cliff . That loneliness isn't failure . It's actually part of the healing process . That loneliness isn't failure . It's actually part of the healing process .

Speaker 1 1:10

Welcome to the Codependent Doctor , a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency .

The Loneliness of Healing

Speaker 1 1:20

Are you struggling to love yourself , feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships ? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves , healthier relationships and healthier , more fulfilling lives . Join me as we reclaim your authentic self . I'm your host , a family doctor and fellow codependent , dr Angela Downey . We can do this together . Here we go . Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 38th episode of the Codependent Doctor . I'm your host , dr Angela Downey , a family doctor and fellow codependent .

Speaker 1 1:55

Today's episode , we're going to be focusing on the loneliness of healing that no one ever warned you about . Everyone talks about healing like it's this magical , empowering journey all sunset , yoga poses and deep inner peace and , yes , sometimes it can be really beautiful . But you know , what people don't often tell you Is that it can also be super lonely , like I just RSVP'd no to everything in my life and now it's just me , snacks and my thoughts kind of loneliness . When you start setting boundaries , saying no , choosing yourself over old patterns , it can feel a little or a lot isolating . You might start looking around and realizing that not everyone is coming on this journey with you . Old friends might feel different , certain conversations might feel awkward , you might even feel like a stranger to yourself some days . And that loneliness it's not a sign that you're doing something wrong . It's actually proof that you're healing . You're not broken , you're not failing . You're just growing in a way that a lot of people never give themselves permission to do . And yes , sometimes growing looks a little bit like Saturday night spent with a mud mask , journaling your feelings and wondering if you're about to turn into a full-time hermit . But you won't .

Speaker 1 3:08

Healing isn't just about finding yourself . It's about carving out space that you need to be able to grow , even when it feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar . It's about making peace with the places , the people and the patterns that you've outgrown and learning to trust that new and better things are already making their way to you . You're exactly where you're supposed to be and that lonely feeling is only temporary . When you start healing , things are going to shift and not everyone in your life is going to shift with you . You're growing , but some people are going to stay exactly the same way and that can feel a little disorienting at times , like you've now stepped into a new room and everyone else stayed behind .

Speaker 1 3:51

You might start noticing that certain relationships were built on things like people pleasing and caregiving or ignoring your own needs just to keep the peace . And when you stop doing that , when you stop being the yes person , the fixer or the I'll just handle it person , some people naturally start to drift away because you're not doing those things for them anymore . It might feel a little like rejection at first , but it's not . It's just clarity . You're seeing for the first time who truly values you , for you , not

Shifting Relationships During Growth

Speaker 1 4:24

just what you did for them . You'll also find yourself with a lot more emotional space that you didn't have before .

Speaker 1 4:31

When you're not constantly managing everyone else's feelings , there's a new kind of quiet that shows up in your life . At first that quiet can feel a little strange like , hmm , what am I going to do with myself now ? That's okay . That is space where the real you gets to breathe again and , honestly , in the beginning you might not even know who you are without those old rules and habits . That's not a failure . It's a great , and sometimes maybe a little awkward , first step towards becoming someone that you actually recognize and love .

Speaker 1 5:05

Maybe you used to be the friend who dropped everything whenever someone else needed help . You skipped your own plans , stayed up late , talking people through their problems , said yes even when you were running on fumes . Now you're starting to say things like I can't tonight , or I need some time to myself , and suddenly people who were always around when you were available aren't texting as much as they used to . It feels really personal and it can feel lonely . It feels like you did something wrong , but what's really happening is this the relationships that needed you to abandon yourself just to survive are now falling away , and that's making room for relationships where you get to show up as your full , whole self . The loneliness that you feel now is you cleaning up space for the life that you actually want .

Speaker 1 5:53

Sometimes you might end up missing the old version of yourself , the one who said yes to everything and who smoothed things over , maybe who made sure that everyone else was okay , even though that version of you was tired and stretched thin and maybe even hurting , it was familiar , and sometimes familiar feels safer than being free . You might find yourself missing the comfort of being needed , even if being needed was slowly draining you . You might feel nostalgic for when things were easier , even if those patterns were hurting you . You might even wonder was it really that bad ? Maybe I should just go back to the way things were . That's grief talking , and it's completely normal .

Speaker 1 6:32

Part of why this grief feels so heavy is because you're not just losing old habits . You're losing an identity that you built your life around For a long time . Being the helper , the fixer or the peacekeeper wasn't just something that you did . It was who you thought you were . It was how you made yourself valuable in relationships . It's what made you feel needed , important and worthy of love and belonging .

Speaker 1 6:58

When you start stepping away from those old roles , it's completely normal to feel a little scared . You might even wonder

Grieving Your Former Identity

Speaker 1 7:04

if I'm not the one fixing everything , then where do I fit in ? If I'm not the one always giving , will people still want me around , or if I'm not needed , am I still loved ? And that fear makes sense . You built your sense of safety around being essential to other people . You learn that your place in people's lives depended on how much you could give or sacrifice and solve . And now , by setting these boundaries and choosing yourself , you're stepping into unknown territory . You're learning , maybe for the first time , that your worth doesn't come from your usefulness . It doesn't come from carrying everyone else's emotions or fixing their problems or making yourself small just to keep the peace . It comes from you simply being yourself .

Speaker 1 7:50

Yes , there's grief in letting go of those old roles and , yes , there's this fear in wondering where you fit in now roles , and , yes , there's this fear in wondering where you fit in now . But you're not becoming less , you're becoming more . You and the right people , the ones who love you for who you truly are , are going to meet you there . Maybe you haven't met them yet and you're going to need to wait for them to find you . The truth is , when you stop showing up as who you think you have to be , you make space for the right people , the ones who see and love you for who you are . It might not happen overnight and that can feel a little scary at times . But every time you show up a little more honestly , you're sending out a signal this is who I really am and somewhere out there , the people who are meant for you , the ones who don't need you to sacrifice yourself to earn their love , they're going to hear that and they're going to recognize you . You're not losing connection forever . You're just clearing the way for deeper , truer and healthier connections to take root .

Speaker 1 8:49

Healing isn't just about moving forward . It's also about saying goodbye . Goodbye to who you thought you had to be , goodbye to the old ways of surviving , the people pleasing , the shrinking , the carrying everyone else's feelings on your back . Goodbye to the relationships that only loved you when you kept yourself small and honestly . That goodbye can hurt and it can feel lonely and it can make you wonder if you made the right decision . Feeling lonely after starting your healthy journey isn't failure . It's not a sign that you've messed up or that you're destined to be alone . It's a transition , a recalibration of sorts . Right now it might feel empty because you're in between the life that you outgrew and the life that you're building . This is where self-trust starts to grow , in those quiet spaces where you get to meet yourself again , where you get to realize that you're not alone . You have you . I'm going to try to create a metaphor here using a hermit crab , because that's what's coming to my mind .

Speaker 1 9:48

Healing is a lot like being a hermit crab who's outgrown its old shell . At first that old shell feels safe . It might be small and tight , but it's familiar . And even though it started to squeeze and pinch you in areas that you didn't like , even though it's harder to move now , it still feels scary to imagine leaving it behind . But growth doesn't give you much of a choice . One day you realize that you just can't stay small anymore . So you step out . Your underbelly

Finding Yourself in the Quiet

Speaker 1 10:17

is exposed , you're vulnerable , a little wobbly , and you start looking for something that fits the person that you're becoming . That's the hardest part no one talks about enough . It's that in-between stage , the part where you don't have your old protection anymore but your new life hasn't fully formed yet . It's lonely and scary and sometimes uncomfortable . But it's also necessary , because staying cramped in something that no longer fits isn't living , it's just surviving . The loneliness you feel right now isn't a sign that you made the wrong choice . It's proof that you're brave enough to grow and just like that hermit crab that eventually finds himself a bigger , better shell . You too are moving towards relationships , spaces and a life that fits who you truly are , not the you that you had to be .

Speaker 1 11:08

When loneliness shows up , your first instinct might be to panic a little , thinking that you're going to be alone forever . You might want to rush to fix it . Call someone , say yes to something that you don't want to , just to slide back into . Call someone , say yes to something that you don't want to , just to slide back into old habits and feel connected again . That's normal . That's just your nervous system craving the comfort that it used to know .

Speaker 1 11:28

But there's a different way to meet that loneliness , one that doesn't abandon yourself in the process . First , it's okay to name it . Instead of pushing down or pretending that you're fine , try simply saying to yourself I feel lonely right now . You're not pushing the feeling away , you're giving it a name . And when you name a feeling , it stops being this huge , overwhelming thing taking over everything in the background . Second , resist the urge to rush . You don't have to fill the empty space immediately . You don't have to chase old patterns just to feel busy , needed or distracted .

Speaker 1 12:03

It's tempting , especially when

Embracing the Rebuilding Process

Speaker 1 12:04

the loneliness feels really heavy , to reach for anything that makes you feel productive or useful again . But this time it's different . This time , give yourself permission just to be , to sit in the quiet , even if it's strange or uncomfortable at first . Sometimes that awkward stillness you feel isn't a sign that something's wrong . It's your heart adjusting to a new and healthier rhythm . Instead of rushing to fill the silence , you can use this space to take gentle care of yourself . Maybe that looks like starting a simple meditation practice , even if it's just a quiet five minutes of breathing each morning . Maybe it's moving your body through stretching , walking or exercising , not to punish yourself but to reconnect with how strong and alive you are . Maybe it's building small self-care rituals that feel calming and steady . Maybe making tea or lighting a candle , reading a book just because you want to .

Speaker 1 13:00

This isn't about checking things off a list . It's about learning how to be with yourself in a new way , with patience , with care and with a sense of curiosity . When you stop rushing , you start realizing that you were never empty to begin with . You were just making space for the next , truer version of you to unfold and finally lean into safe support . You don't have to do this alone . It's okay to reach out to people who get it , whether that's a therapist , a support group or maybe an online community where healing and growth are celebrated . You deserve support that doesn't require you to shrink , hide or over-function to be loved .

Speaker 1 13:39

Loneliness is real , but it's not a sign that you're going backwards is real , but it's not a sign that you're going backwards . It's temporary , even if it sometimes feels like it's going to last forever . Right now , things might feel quiet , uncomfortable or even scary , but on the other side of this loneliness is freedom . It's self-respect , healthier , deeper relationships built on truth instead of people-pleasing . You're not broken . You're just rebuilding . You're making space for clarity , for peace , for real connections and yes , it's a little quiet , but sometimes silence is exactly what we need to finally hear ourselves again .

Speaker 1 14:14

This is the perfect time to ask who am I when I'm not managing everyone else's feelings ? What do I love when I'm not just surviving ? What dreams did I forget while I was so busy shrinking myself ? You might find yourself being pulled back to old hobbies or interests that you used to love , like painting , gardening , writing , dancing or exploring , or you might feel curious about trying something completely new . You might even feel a little silly at first just picking up an old instrument and realizing that you're totally out of tune . That's okay . Play anyway and try it . This isn't about being impressive . It's about letting yourself become playful and curious and creative again , without needing anyone's approval .

Speaker 1 14:56

Loneliness isn't a punishment . It's a doorway , and every time you reconnect with something that feels true to you , you're building a life that feels more real , more joyful and more yours . You're not alone in feeling lonely , and one day , soon , this space that you've created is going to feel like peace , not emptiness . That's it for today . This episode has been short and sweet . I'm in the final stages of finishing my workbook , so I've been in deep editing mode lately . My book is called Enough as I Am , and I'm so excited to stages of finishing my workbook , so I've been in deep editing mode lately . My book is called Enough as I Am , and I'm so excited to share it with you soon . It should be on Amazon in the next month or so .

Speaker 1 15:32

Thank you for hanging out with me today and for being part of this journey , and remember that you're already enough just as you are . If you have a moment , I'd really appreciate it if you could like and subscribe or leave a comment for the podcast . It's a free resource that I like to put out there for people , but they're not going to find it unless we do the work to share it . I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself . I'm going to meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor , when we're going to be talking about

Episode Closing and Book Announcement

Speaker 1 16:07

losing yourself in what you do and not who you are .

Speaker 1 16:09

Take care for now . Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you . Click , like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit . This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns . If you're having a mental health crisis , please present to a hospital , call 911 or your local crisis helpline . I'll talk to you next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor . We can do this together .