Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
38: The Loneliness Of Healing: Why Growth Feels So Isolating At First
In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I delve into the often-overlooked aspect of healing: the loneliness that can accompany personal growth. While healing is frequently portrayed as a beautiful and empowering journey, it can also feel isolating, especially when you start setting boundaries and stepping away from toxic patterns.
I discuss how this loneliness is not a sign of failure but rather a natural part of the healing process. As you begin to prioritize yourself and your needs, you may notice shifts in your relationships, with some people drifting away as you no longer fulfill the roles they relied on. This can feel disorienting and even painful, but it’s essential to recognize that you are making space for healthier connections.
Throughout the episode, I encourage listeners to embrace the quiet moments that come with this transition. Instead of rushing to fill the void, I suggest taking time to reconnect with yourself, exploring old hobbies, and allowing yourself to be curious and playful. I also emphasize the importance of seeking safe support during this time, whether through therapy, support groups, or online communities.
Ultimately, I remind you that loneliness is not a punishment but a doorway to deeper self-discovery and more authentic relationships. As you navigate this journey, remember that you are not alone, and the space you are creating will lead to a more fulfilling and joyful life.
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Everyone talks about healing like it's this empowering beautiful thing and it is. But what people don't talk about enough is how lonely it can feel at times. When you start setting boundaries and walking away from toxic patterns or saying no to things that once defined you. It can feel like you've stepped off the edge of a cliff. That loneliness isn't failure. It's actually part of the healing process. That loneliness isn't failure. It's actually part of the healing process.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 38th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent.
Speaker 1:Today's episode, we're going to be focusing on the loneliness of healing that no one ever warned you about. Everyone talks about healing like it's this magical, empowering journey all sunset, yoga poses and deep inner peace and, yes, sometimes it can be really beautiful. But you know, what people don't often tell you Is that it can also be super lonely, like I just RSVP'd no to everything in my life and now it's just me, snacks and my thoughts kind of loneliness. When you start setting boundaries, saying no, choosing yourself over old patterns, it can feel a little or a lot isolating. You might start looking around and realizing that not everyone is coming on this journey with you. Old friends might feel different, certain conversations might feel awkward, you might even feel like a stranger to yourself some days. And that loneliness it's not a sign that you're doing something wrong. It's actually proof that you're healing. You're not broken, you're not failing. You're just growing in a way that a lot of people never give themselves permission to do. And yes, sometimes growing looks a little bit like Saturday night spent with a mud mask, journaling your feelings and wondering if you're about to turn into a full-time hermit. But you won't.
Speaker 1:Healing isn't just about finding yourself. It's about carving out space that you need to be able to grow, even when it feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar. It's about making peace with the places, the people and the patterns that you've outgrown and learning to trust that new and better things are already making their way to you. You're exactly where you're supposed to be and that lonely feeling is only temporary. When you start healing, things are going to shift and not everyone in your life is going to shift with you. You're growing, but some people are going to stay exactly the same way and that can feel a little disorienting at times, like you've now stepped into a new room and everyone else stayed behind.
Speaker 1:You might start noticing that certain relationships were built on things like people pleasing and caregiving or ignoring your own needs just to keep the peace. And when you stop doing that, when you stop being the yes person, the fixer or the I'll just handle it person, some people naturally start to drift away because you're not doing those things for them anymore. It might feel a little like rejection at first, but it's not. It's just clarity. You're seeing for the first time who truly values you, for you, not just what you did for them. You'll also find yourself with a lot more emotional space that you didn't have before.
Speaker 1:When you're not constantly managing everyone else's feelings, there's a new kind of quiet that shows up in your life. At first that quiet can feel a little strange like, hmm, what am I going to do with myself now? That's okay. That is space where the real you gets to breathe again and, honestly, in the beginning you might not even know who you are without those old rules and habits. That's not a failure. It's a great, and sometimes maybe a little awkward, first step towards becoming someone that you actually recognize and love.
Speaker 1:Maybe you used to be the friend who dropped everything whenever someone else needed help. You skipped your own plans, stayed up late, talking people through their problems, said yes even when you were running on fumes. Now you're starting to say things like I can't tonight, or I need some time to myself, and suddenly people who were always around when you were available aren't texting as much as they used to. It feels really personal and it can feel lonely. It feels like you did something wrong, but what's really happening is this the relationships that needed you to abandon yourself just to survive are now falling away, and that's making room for relationships where you get to show up as your full, whole self. The loneliness that you feel now is you cleaning up space for the life that you actually want.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you might end up missing the old version of yourself, the one who said yes to everything and who smoothed things over, maybe who made sure that everyone else was okay, even though that version of you was tired and stretched thin and maybe even hurting, it was familiar, and sometimes familiar feels safer than being free. You might find yourself missing the comfort of being needed, even if being needed was slowly draining you. You might feel nostalgic for when things were easier, even if those patterns were hurting you. You might even wonder was it really that bad? Maybe I should just go back to the way things were. That's grief talking, and it's completely normal.
Speaker 1:Part of why this grief feels so heavy is because you're not just losing old habits. You're losing an identity that you built your life around For a long time. Being the helper, the fixer or the peacekeeper wasn't just something that you did. It was who you thought you were. It was how you made yourself valuable in relationships. It's what made you feel needed, important and worthy of love and belonging.
Speaker 1:When you start stepping away from those old roles, it's completely normal to feel a little scared. You might even wonder if I'm not the one fixing everything, then where do I fit in? If I'm not the one always giving, will people still want me around, or if I'm not needed, am I still loved? And that fear makes sense. You built your sense of safety around being essential to other people. You learn that your place in people's lives depended on how much you could give or sacrifice and solve. And now, by setting these boundaries and choosing yourself, you're stepping into unknown territory. You're learning, maybe for the first time, that your worth doesn't come from your usefulness. It doesn't come from carrying everyone else's emotions or fixing their problems or making yourself small just to keep the peace. It comes from you simply being yourself.
Speaker 1:Yes, there's grief in letting go of those old roles and, yes, there's this fear in wondering where you fit in now roles, and, yes, there's this fear in wondering where you fit in now. But you're not becoming less, you're becoming more. You and the right people, the ones who love you for who you truly are, are going to meet you there. Maybe you haven't met them yet and you're going to need to wait for them to find you. The truth is, when you stop showing up as who you think you have to be, you make space for the right people, the ones who see and love you for who you are. It might not happen overnight and that can feel a little scary at times. But every time you show up a little more honestly, you're sending out a signal this is who I really am and somewhere out there, the people who are meant for you, the ones who don't need you to sacrifice yourself to earn their love, they're going to hear that and they're going to recognize you. You're not losing connection forever. You're just clearing the way for deeper, truer and healthier connections to take root.
Speaker 1:Healing isn't just about moving forward. It's also about saying goodbye. Goodbye to who you thought you had to be, goodbye to the old ways of surviving, the people pleasing, the shrinking, the carrying everyone else's feelings on your back. Goodbye to the relationships that only loved you when you kept yourself small and honestly. That goodbye can hurt and it can feel lonely and it can make you wonder if you made the right decision. Feeling lonely after starting your healthy journey isn't failure. It's not a sign that you've messed up or that you're destined to be alone. It's a transition, a recalibration of sorts. Right now it might feel empty because you're in between the life that you outgrew and the life that you're building. This is where self-trust starts to grow, in those quiet spaces where you get to meet yourself again, where you get to realize that you're not alone. You have you. I'm going to try to create a metaphor here using a hermit crab, because that's what's coming to my mind.
Speaker 1:Healing is a lot like being a hermit crab who's outgrown its old shell. At first that old shell feels safe. It might be small and tight, but it's familiar. And even though it started to squeeze and pinch you in areas that you didn't like, even though it's harder to move now, it still feels scary to imagine leaving it behind. But growth doesn't give you much of a choice. One day you realize that you just can't stay small anymore. So you step out. Your underbelly is exposed, you're vulnerable, a little wobbly, and you start looking for something that fits the person that you're becoming. That's the hardest part no one talks about enough. It's that in-between stage, the part where you don't have your old protection anymore but your new life hasn't fully formed yet. It's lonely and scary and sometimes uncomfortable. But it's also necessary, because staying cramped in something that no longer fits isn't living, it's just surviving. The loneliness you feel right now isn't a sign that you made the wrong choice. It's proof that you're brave enough to grow and just like that hermit crab that eventually finds himself a bigger, better shell. You too are moving towards relationships, spaces and a life that fits who you truly are, not the you that you had to be.
Speaker 1:When loneliness shows up, your first instinct might be to panic a little, thinking that you're going to be alone forever. You might want to rush to fix it. Call someone, say yes to something that you don't want to, just to slide back into. Call someone, say yes to something that you don't want to, just to slide back into old habits and feel connected again. That's normal. That's just your nervous system craving the comfort that it used to know.
Speaker 1:But there's a different way to meet that loneliness, one that doesn't abandon yourself in the process. First, it's okay to name it. Instead of pushing down or pretending that you're fine, try simply saying to yourself I feel lonely right now. You're not pushing the feeling away, you're giving it a name. And when you name a feeling, it stops being this huge, overwhelming thing taking over everything in the background. Second, resist the urge to rush. You don't have to fill the empty space immediately. You don't have to chase old patterns just to feel busy, needed or distracted.
Speaker 1:It's tempting, especially when the loneliness feels really heavy, to reach for anything that makes you feel productive or useful again. But this time it's different. This time, give yourself permission just to be, to sit in the quiet, even if it's strange or uncomfortable at first. Sometimes that awkward stillness you feel isn't a sign that something's wrong. It's your heart adjusting to a new and healthier rhythm. Instead of rushing to fill the silence, you can use this space to take gentle care of yourself. Maybe that looks like starting a simple meditation practice, even if it's just a quiet five minutes of breathing each morning. Maybe it's moving your body through stretching, walking or exercising, not to punish yourself but to reconnect with how strong and alive you are. Maybe it's building small self-care rituals that feel calming and steady. Maybe making tea or lighting a candle, reading a book just because you want to.
Speaker 1:This isn't about checking things off a list. It's about learning how to be with yourself in a new way, with patience, with care and with a sense of curiosity. When you stop rushing, you start realizing that you were never empty to begin with. You were just making space for the next, truer version of you to unfold and finally lean into safe support. You don't have to do this alone. It's okay to reach out to people who get it, whether that's a therapist, a support group or maybe an online community where healing and growth are celebrated. You deserve support that doesn't require you to shrink, hide or over-function to be loved.
Speaker 1:Loneliness is real, but it's not a sign that you're going backwards is real, but it's not a sign that you're going backwards. It's temporary, even if it sometimes feels like it's going to last forever. Right now, things might feel quiet, uncomfortable or even scary, but on the other side of this loneliness is freedom. It's self-respect, healthier, deeper relationships built on truth instead of people-pleasing. You're not broken. You're just rebuilding. You're making space for clarity, for peace, for real connections and yes, it's a little quiet, but sometimes silence is exactly what we need to finally hear ourselves again.
Speaker 1:This is the perfect time to ask who am I when I'm not managing everyone else's feelings? What do I love when I'm not just surviving? What dreams did I forget while I was so busy shrinking myself? You might find yourself being pulled back to old hobbies or interests that you used to love, like painting, gardening, writing, dancing or exploring, or you might feel curious about trying something completely new. You might even feel a little silly at first just picking up an old instrument and realizing that you're totally out of tune. That's okay. Play anyway and try it. This isn't about being impressive. It's about letting yourself become playful and curious and creative again, without needing anyone's approval.
Speaker 1:Loneliness isn't a punishment. It's a doorway, and every time you reconnect with something that feels true to you, you're building a life that feels more real, more joyful and more yours. You're not alone in feeling lonely, and one day, soon, this space that you've created is going to feel like peace, not emptiness. That's it for today. This episode has been short and sweet. I'm in the final stages of finishing my workbook, so I've been in deep editing mode lately. My book is called Enough as I Am, and I'm so excited to stages of finishing my workbook, so I've been in deep editing mode lately. My book is called Enough as I Am, and I'm so excited to share it with you soon. It should be on Amazon in the next month or so.
Speaker 1:Thank you for hanging out with me today and for being part of this journey, and remember that you're already enough just as you are. If you have a moment, I'd really appreciate it if you could like and subscribe or leave a comment for the podcast. It's a free resource that I like to put out there for people, but they're not going to find it unless we do the work to share it. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when we're going to be talking about losing yourself in what you do and not who you are.
Speaker 1:Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.