Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
43: From Love Bomb to Heartbreak: Understanding Toxic Relationships
In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I dive deep into the phenomenon of love bombing—a term I only discovered a few years ago, despite having experienced it firsthand. We explore what love bombing really is: an overwhelming display of affection, attention, and promises that can feel intoxicating but often masks emotional manipulation.
I share my personal experiences, including a time when I rushed a relationship by introducing someone to my entire family after just one date, highlighting how easy it is to mistake intense feelings for genuine connection. We discuss the psychological and biological factors that make love bombing so effective, especially for those of us with unmet emotional needs or past traumas.
Throughout the episode, I provide listeners with practical tools to identify red flags of love bombing, such as feeling overwhelmed, noticing inconsistencies between words and actions, and experiencing pressure to reciprocate intensity. I emphasize the importance of trusting your gut and recognizing that healthy love unfolds over time, respecting boundaries and individual needs.
By the end of the episode, I hope to empower you with the knowledge to protect your heart and foster healthier relationships. Remember, love bombing is not true love; it’s intensity in disguise. Join me next week as we tackle the topic of neglect. Thank you for listening, and take care of yourselves!
I am so excited to share my codependency recovery workbook with you. Click on the link to be brough to Enough As I Am on Amazon.
Picture this you meet someone new and right away it feels like magic. They text you good morning and good night. They tell you you're different, special and the best thing that's ever happened to them, and you've only known them for like two weeks. They talk about your future together before you've even had a second date. They shower you with attention, gifts, compliments and promises so big that they almost don't feel real. And part of you is just glowing because, after all, who wouldn't want to feel adored? But another, quieter part of you wonders is this happening too fast? And if you've ever felt that tug, that tiny voice that whispers, something about this feels too good to be true. Today's episode is going to be for you. In this conversation, we're going to break down what love bombing really looks like beyond the fairy tale sparkle, why it's so effective and why smart, strong, amazing people often get caught in it. How to spot the difference between genuine connection and emotional manipulation, and why being vulnerable to love bombing is not your fault. And how to protect your heart without shutting it down completely. At the end of this episode, you're going to have real tools to spot the red flags earlier, to trust yourself when something feels off and to move towards relationships that are healthy, steady and real, because attention is not intention feels off. And to move towards relationships that are healthy, steady and real, because attention is not intention. Today's episode is going to change your approach to relationships forever. If you've ever doubted yourself, second-guessed your gut or wondered if you're just too sensitive, then stay with me. You're about to get a lot clearer and a lot stronger.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 43rd episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent and former expert at mistaking love, bombing for true love, because who doesn't want a soulmate before Thursday?
Speaker 1:Before we get into today's episode, I just want to take a second to think about what we're grateful for today, because it's important to train your brain to recognize the good things that you already have in your life. I've been getting so many great replies on social media and I really appreciate it. I'm seeing everything from being grateful for the clean air that we breathe to pets and loved ones in our lives. I, for one, am grateful for my partner, who has been so patient with me as I finished my book. Honey, you are a saint and I thank you for taking care of me when I'm buried in a cave with my computer. I also want to give a shout out to Johnny, who sent me a letter and wrote I am so grateful for my loving and supportive partner. He brings calm, organization and perspective to my otherwise chaotic life. Knowing he's always in my corner gives me a deep sense of peace and gratitude. That's amazing and I love that. So please let me know what you're grateful for. I have a new Facebook page now so you can reach me at the Codependent Doctor on Facebook, and I've also been really active on threads at Dr Angela Downey. I've also been really active on threads at Dr Angela Downey.
Speaker 1:And now love bombing. I had never even heard of love bombing until a few years ago, and it turns out that I was basically the queen of a kingdom that I didn't even know existed until then. I once went on a first date with someone and it went really well, like immediate butterflies movie montage kind of scenario. Like immediate butterflies movie montage kind of scenario when have you been all my life? Kind of well. So, naturally, for our second date I suggested that they come to my daughter's school play, which sounds really sweet, right. Except at this play they didn't just meet me again for a second time. They met my kids, they met my parents, they met my extended relatives and, depending on who else was hanging around the auditorium probably a few neighbors, teachers and distant cousins too. At the time it felt like the most normal thing in the world and I thought, why not? We have this great connection, so maybe I should just throw them into the deep end of my entire life. I wasn't just moving fast, I was basically hosting a full-blown family reunion for a person whose middle name I didn't even know yet. I was the love bomber.
Speaker 1:When you don't know about love bombing, or you're craving connection or you've been living with codependent patterns, it feels natural to move too fast. It feels exciting, it feels safe and it feels like finally, I've met the one, and that's why today I want to unpack what love bombing actually is, why it happens, how to spot it early and what you can do to protect your heart without shutting it down completely. So let's start with the basics. What exactly is love bombing? Love bombing is when someone overwhelms you with attention, affection, gifts or big promises really early on in a relationship, not necessarily because they're evil masterminds, but because they want to create this emotional closeness really fast. It's a way to pull you in quickly and to make you feel connected, invested and bonded, often before you even have time to step back and think wait, do I actually even really know this person yet? And there's something important to know Not all love bombing is intentional.
Speaker 1:Yes, some people do it to manipulate you or to control you, but sometimes it's just this survival pattern. It's a way that someone learned to get love, safety or validation. Maybe they grew up believing that if they could prove their devotion really fast, that they'd finally be the chosen one. Or maybe they're uncomfortable with uncertainty and rushing intimacy feels more secure for them. It doesn't make it healthy, but it does make it human, and the key point is whether it's conscious or unconscious. Key point is whether it's conscious or unconscious.
Speaker 1:Love bombing is not genuine love. It's intensity diagnosed as a connection. Some examples of what love bombing can look like are constant texting and calls, these good morning texts, good night texts, thinking of you, texts before you even had your first disagreement. It feels flattering until it feels like you have this second full-time job just trying to answer them. You might have big declarations of love too soon, telling them you're the one. After just two weeks they're planning your entire life together, before they've even seen how you react to minor inconveniences like getting mad in traffic or having a bad coffee. They might give you lavish gifts, endless compliments and huge promises. These spa trips, surprise weekends away, expensive jewelry after three dates, all wrapped up with declarations like I would do anything for you. It's intoxicating, but sometimes it can also be really overwhelming. They might push for commitments extremely fast. Why wait when I know that you're the one? Why wait when I know this is the real thing? Sure, sometimes lightning strikes, but more often healthy connection builds through consistency, not speed.
Speaker 1:Love bombing is really tricky In the beginning. It feels really really good and you start associating that rush with real connection. But love bombing isn't real intimacy. It's not rooted in trust, respect or mutual understanding. It's really just a shortcut and it's designed to feel like real love, without giving time for love to actually grow. Healthy love. It unfolds really slowly. It respects your boundaries. It leaves space for you to still feel like yourself. Love bombing it doesn't leave space, it fills every crack, and that's exactly why it's so effective and so dangerous.
Speaker 1:All right, so now that we know what love bombing is, let's talk about why it's so dang powerful. If you've ever fallen for it or been the one accidentally launching the love bombs, you're not crazy, you're not naive. You're human and we all do it sometimes. And love bombing is designed to hook into the parts of us that crave connection the most. And here's the thing love bombing feels amazing at first, especially if you've gone through your life with unmet emotional needs, if you've been neglected, overlooked, betrayed or made to feel invisible. Finally, being seen feels like a life raft in the middle of the ocean. It mirrors the fantasy version of connection that we've all been fed since we were kids. The person who just gets you and the person who says I've been waiting for someone exactly like you for my whole life. It's that person who shows up like a Hallmark movie hero, only faster, louder and with a suspicious number of rose bouquets.
Speaker 1:When you're love bombed, it's not just emotional, there's a biological reaction happening as well. When someone showers you with affection, attention, gifts and praise your brain, it lights up. You get this surge of dopamine, that feel-good chemical that makes you feel like everything is exciting and happy and rewarded. You get a boost of oxytocin, which is that bonding hormone that says, ah yes, this is a safe place, this is love let's attach right now. It's the same chemical that helps babies bond to their mothers right in the early days of their lives. It's a powerful, powerful hormone. It's basically your brain throwing a party with balloons and cupcakes before checking to see if the guest list makes sense, and because it feels so good, it creates emotional dependency.
Speaker 1:Really, really fast you start craving the texts, you start craving the attention. You start measuring your self-worth by how many heart emojis that you get before noon. And suddenly you're not just dating a person, you're emotionally hooked. You find yourself doing slightly ridiculous things like cancelling a dentist appointment because they might want you to go out that day, staying up until 2am texting, even though you have a meeting at 7am. Maybe you change your phone background to be their face. After just three dates and no judgment. If you've been there, I've been there.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying this is sometimes what happens and the wild part is you know it's moving fast, you know that there's something off about it, but it feels so good and you don't want to slow down because it does feel so good. Because who wants to question something that finally feels amazing after years of emotional drought? Who wants to hit the brakes on a relationship that feels like it's been sent from the universe? Who wants to say maybe we're moving too fast when your whole nervous system is throwing a parade? And this is where it gets a little confusing, because it feels so good until it doesn't. At first it's magical, but then, little by little, that magic gets complicated. You start feeling pressure to reciprocate their intensity. You start feeling guilty when you ask for space. You start feeling a little trapped, like somehow you owe them something for how amazing they've been. And that's when love bombing can start to turn. That's when what felt like devotion can slip into guilt, trips, control or resentment, and that's when you're perfect can turn into why aren't you trying harder for me? And that's exactly where we're heading next.
Speaker 1:Because after the glitter fades, after the dopamine party quiets down, love bombing often doesn't just stop, it evolves. So at first everything feels magical, it's exciting, it's overwhelming, but in a good way. You're getting texts that say things like Good morning, beautiful angel, queen of my heart, I can't wait to spend forever with you. And it's only been like 11 days or something. But here's when things start to shift, because love bombing isn't meant to stay magical forever.
Speaker 1:After that intense phase, after the excitement and the honeymoon rush, love bombing often flips into something very, very different. And here's how that shift usually shows up. They start withdrawing a little All that attention that you got in the beginning the endless texts, the goodnight phone calls, the overwhelming adoration suddenly it's gone, or it's inconsistent, or they get busy. But they're still active on Instagram and you're sitting there wondering if you've imagined the entire relationship. They might start criticizing you. That person who once said that you're perfect is now pointing out your mismatched clothing or the way you chew your food. They say things like you're too sensitive, you're overthinking everything. Why can't you just trust me? You go from feeling worship to feeling like you're constantly messing everything up. They start trying to control you a little, and it's not always obvious at first.
Speaker 1:It sneaks in through these little comments and emotional nudges, things like guilt tripping you when you set a boundary, I guess you don't love me as much as I love you then Acting jealous or possessive when you make plans without them. Why do you even need anyone else? I'm here for you, emotionally punishing you when you don't respond the way that they expect, like giving you the silent treatment or making you apologize for having your own needs. And the most painful part is that you might start questioning yourself, because you remember the beginning. You remember how incredible it felt and you think maybe I'm just being too sensitive, maybe if I just try harder, things will go back to the way they were. But they almost never do, because that original intensity wasn't real love. It was a tactic and it meant to pull you in fast, not to build a steady relationship.
Speaker 1:And if the love bomber is truly operating from a toxic or narcissistic pattern, the cycle is going to look like this or narcissistic pattern. The cycle is going to look like this they idealize you, then they devalue and they discard you. They build you up, they put you on a pedestal, make you feel chosen, then they slowly chip away at your self-esteem until you're confused, anxious and willing to do almost anything to get that first version of them back and listen. When you're stuck in that cycle, you can end up doing some ridiculous things to hold on to that connection that you thought that you had like apologizing for being too emotional when you were just asking for basic respect, writing a 12 paragraph text explaining why you need a little space and then deleting it because you're afraid that they're going to leave, changing your entire weekend plan just in case they might want to hang out. Leave, changing your entire weekend plan just in case they might want to hang out. Or maybe googling things like how to be less needy after you ask for one simple thing and they make you feel like they asked you to donate a kidney. If you've been there, then welcome to the club.
Speaker 1:You're not alone, and here's the truth that love bombers don't want you to realize. Healthy love doesn't make you chase it. It doesn't disappear when you have a boundary. It doesn't punish you for needing time, space or clarity. It doesn't build you up just to tear you down again. So now you might be wondering okay, but how can I spot when this shift is happening a little earlier. How can you catch that warning sign before you get pulled deeper into the cycle? Here's how you can start recognizing those red flags.
Speaker 1:First, you feel like things are moving way faster than you're comfortable with. Like you barely finished your appetizer on the second date and they're already talking about how many kids they think you should have together. You haven't even discussed who's paying for the guacamole, but somehow you're discussing wedding venues. At first it feels exciting, but under the surface, there's this tiny voice inside of you that's whispering isn't this a little fast? You need to start listening to that voice. It's trying to tell you something really important. Second, they don't respect your pace, your boundaries or your need for space. Maybe you say something like hey, I'm enjoying this, but I feel like I should be taking things a little slower. And instead of respecting that, they push harder. They might laugh it off or say something like I just know what I want, and what I want is you, which sounds cute, until you realize that they want to override your comfort level. Healthy love is going to honor your boundaries and love bombing just tries to steamroll them.
Speaker 1:Third, you feel emotionally overwhelmed, even if it's a good kind of overwhelm. At first it's flattering the attention, the affection, that feeling of being someone's absolute priority, but very quickly it can tip into something that feels less like romance and more like emotional claustrophobia. Suddenly you're texting back so fast that you develop carpal tunnel and you're cancelling your plans, just to be available 24-7. You start googling how to become a more spontaneous person at 2am because they said they love spontaneity and you feel guilty for liking plans. And when something feels overwhelming, even when it's dressed up as love, that's a sign to slow down, not to speed up. No-transcript. Maybe you weren't even thinking about being in a serious relationship, maybe you wanted to take it slow, but now you feel guilty that you're not feeling the same way or as fast as they are.
Speaker 1:You might find yourself doing ridiculous things like saying I love you back because you feel bad, not because you're ready, posting cute couple photos on social media two weeks in because you feel like you're supposed to be that happy already. Or wondering if it's your fault that you're not as all in as they are. Love that pressures you to hurry isn't love, it's manipulation. And lastly, if you ask for space and suddenly they're sulking, if you express hesitation and they make you feel like you're breaking their heart if you set a boundary and instead of respecting it, they punish you, maybe by ghosting, withdrawing or making passive-aggressive comments. It's like the moment you stop giving them full access to you. They make you feel like you're wrong, like you're selfish or ungrateful. Real love doesn't require you to be available 24 7 just to feel safe.
Speaker 1:If you're recognizing any of these signs right now, first of all, just take a deep breath. You're not crazy. You're just noticing that something isn't sitting right, and that's actually a good thing. That's your intuition kicking in. So maybe right now you're just noticing that something isn't sitting right, and that's actually a good thing. That's your intuition kicking in. So maybe right now you're sitting here thinking, oh, some of this sounds a little too familiar. Maybe you're noticing that your last relationship, or maybe even the one that you're in right now, had a lot of fireworks in the beginning, but now there's this low-key anxiety humming underneath it. If you're starting to wonder if you might be getting love bombed, first of all, take a deep breath. You're not doomed. You're just getting clearer, and clarity here is your superpower. So let's talk about what you can do now if you suspect love bombing is happening.
Speaker 1:First of all, slow things down. If the relationship is racing ahead at warp speed, it's okay to tap the brakes. Healthy love isn't afraid of time. It's not going to vanish just because you ask it to slow down a little. You're allowed to say I'm enjoying getting to know you, but I'd like to take this at a pace that feels good for me. I need a little more time before I make big decisions. Feels good for me. I need a little more time before I make big decisions. Or let's see how we feel after a few more months of just dating casually. Genuine people don't mind a slower pace. In fact, they're going to respect you even more for honoring your own boundaries. If someone panics the minute you pump the brakes, that's not love, that's control disguised as urgency.
Speaker 1:Second, trust your gut, even if you can't explain it, even if you don't have proof, even if you want to believe the fairy tale version that they're selling. If your body feels tight, anxious, confused, listen to it. Your nervous system often picks up on what your brain hasn't figured out yet. It's easy to override those gut feelings when someone is love bombing you because it all looks so good on paper. But good love doesn't just sound good. It feels really safe.
Speaker 1:Third, look for consistency over time, not intensity early on. Consistency is the key here. Not someone just blowing up your phone for a week and then disappearing. Not someone planning your wedding after three dates, then forgetting to text you back two days later. Consistency looks like showing up when they say they will following through on their promises, respecting your pace, even if it's slower than theirs. If their behavior swings wildly between I'm obsessed with you and where did they go, that's not stability.
Speaker 1:Fourth, watch how they react when you set a boundary or say no, this is huge. Boundaries are like a flashlight and they show you who's safe and who's not. A healthy person might be disappointed, sure, but they're going to respect your no, they're going to adjust and they're going to give you space. A love bomber, on the other hand, might guilt trip you. I guess you don't feel the same way as I do. I thought we had something special, but I guess you don't feel the same way as I do. I thought we had something special, but I guess I was wrong. Not everyone would put up with this. You know, if someone makes you feel bad for simply asking for time, space or clarity, run Fast. This is not a good relationship for you.
Speaker 1:Fifth, talk to trusted friends, therapists or mentors. When you're in the middle of it, love bombing can feel like being wrapped up in a giant cotton candy cloud. It's sweet and it's easy to get lost in it. That's why outside perspectives are so important. Find people that you trust, the ones who aren't dazzled by grand gestures, and say, hey, can I run something by you? This feels a little intense and I want to make sure that I'm seeing it clearly. A good friend or therapist can often spot the red flags that you might be trying to decorate.
Speaker 1:And finally, remember that true connection builds over time. It doesn't need to rush, it doesn't need to pressure you and it doesn't bulldoze your boundaries in the name of fate or destiny. True love has room for questions. It doesn't need to pressure you and it doesn't bulldoze your boundaries in the name of fate or destiny. True love has room for questions. It has room for doubt. True love has room for you to be a whole human being, not just an audience for someone else's performance.
Speaker 1:If you're feeling called out right now, or if you're thinking about that one time that you started planning your future children's names after date three. You're not alone and I'm standing here right next to you. This was me, 100%. I used to move super quick and I think I might still do it a little. I don't know. I need to think it through when I'm dating people and I need to physically stop myself and pause and make sure that I'm not love bombing, because the truth is that some of us, especially codependents, are more vulnerable to love bombing than others, and it's not because we're weak or that we're needy or mean or manipulative.
Speaker 1:It's because of the way that we were shaped in our early experiences, our attachment styles and what we learned about love and safety. Maybe you grew up in a home where emotional neglect was normal, where no one really asked you how you were feeling, where love was something that you had to earn by being helpful, quiet, perfect or the good child. Maybe you learned that if you made yourself useful, if you made yourself easy to love, then maybe, just maybe. If you made yourself easy to love, then maybe, just maybe, you would be the one who got picked. So when someone comes along and love bombs you, they shower you with attention, affection and promises. It feels like you're finally being seen in a way that you've always needed, how you've always wanted to feel. It doesn't just feel good, it feels healing. At first it feels like you're coming home. Or maybe you experienced trauma or abandonment early in your life. Maybe you got used to people being hot and cold.
Speaker 1:Maybe you were taught that love comes in these extremes. You're either all in or all out. Safe today, gone tomorrow. So when someone love bombs you, it fits the emotional pattern that you already know. It's intense and chaotic and overwhelming, but in a weird way it also feels familiar to you. And here's a big one that doesn't get talked about enough. Maybe you were taught directly or indirectly that your job in relationships is to prioritize everyone else's emotions over your own. You were trained to be accommodating, to be understanding, to make excuses for bad behavior. You bend yourself into whatever shape someone else needs.
Speaker 1:So when someone moves way too fast, they shower you with attention and ignores your boundaries. Instead of saying, whoa, this is too much, you might say, well, maybe I should just be more open. Maybe I'm the problem for not feeling ready yet. You start gaslighting yourself before they even have to do it. And look, I totally get it. When you're craving deep validation and when you're longing to finally be seen.
Speaker 1:It's so easy to get swept up in love bombing, and the point is, being vulnerable to love bombing doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means that you're wired for connection, it means that you value love and it means that you've been waiting, maybe for a really long time, for someone to finally see you. And none of that is something to be ashamed of. But now that you know better, now that you have the words for what's happening, you can start loving yourself differently, you can start trusting your gut a little faster and you can start giving yourself the kind of steady, respectful love that you deserve, even before anyone else gives it to you, because you're worth that. So if you take anything away from today's episode, I hope it's this. Love bombing isn't love. It's intensity wearing a disguise, real love. It's not going to rush you, it doesn't overwhelm you. It doesn't disappear the moment you need space or set a boundary. And now you have the tools, the language and the awareness to protect your heart moving forward.
Speaker 1:I'm going to ask you to please feel free to share this episode with someone that you know who might be getting love bombed, or maybe is a love bomber unknowingly Heck. Share it with the world. I'm really trying to reach as many people as I can this year, so don't forget to click the follow button so you don't miss any further episodes, and please send this to someone that you care about. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'm going to be talking about neglect.
Speaker 1:Take care for now. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.