Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
45: Emotional Neglect: The Hidden Wound Behind Codependency
The quietest form of trauma often leaves the deepest marks. If you've always been "the strong one," the helper, or the person who never rocks the boat, this episode on emotional neglect might explain why you still struggle with relationships as an adult.
Emotional neglect isn't defined by dramatic incidents but rather by what didn't happen in your childhood. Your basic needs may have been met, but when you experienced difficult emotions, no one helped you name them or comfort you through them. Those experiences taught you that your feelings were inconvenient, that you were inconvenient when you had needs – setting the perfect foundation for codependency.
When your emotional blueprint was built on the belief that love had to be earned by being easy, helpful, or low maintenance, it's no wonder you might find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable people. That familiar feeling of longing, of waiting for someone to finally choose you, isn't just chemistry – it's your nervous system trying to resolve old wounds through repetition compulsion.
The most damaging side effect of emotional neglect is the quiet belief that you were somehow the problem – that if you had just been better, quieter, or less emotional, someone would have loved you properly. This hidden narrative drives perfectionism, people-pleasing, and the exhausting cycle of trying to earn love that should have been freely given.
Healing begins when you recognize that you were never too much; you were simply not given enough.
What would change if you stopped trying to be chosen and started choosing yourself? The answer might just be everything.
I am so excited to share my codependency recovery workbook with you. Click on the link to be brough to Enough As I Am on Amazon.
Have you ever found yourself wondering, was my childhood really that bad? Or feeling guilty for having needs? Today's episode is definitely for you. This one is for the people who were the strong ones growing up, the helpers, the peacemakers, the one who never wanted to rock the boat. You might have had a normal upbringing on the surface, but deep down, you still carry this sense that your emotions were just a little too much or not enough to matter. In this episode, I'm breaking down emotional neglect, that quiet kind of trauma that often goes unnoticed but it leaves a big mark. We're talking about how emotional neglect shapes codependency, how you might feel drawn to emotionally unavailable people, the real reason that setting boundaries feels so terrifying, and what starts to shift when you finally stop chasing love and start choosing yourself. If you've ever felt invisible, emotionally drained or like you have to earn love by being useful, this is your invitation to take a breath, settle in and hear the truth about what you actually deserve. So stick around, because we're not just talking about the hard stuff here. We're talking about how to heal it.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships. I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 45th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, who thought that I was just low maintenance until I realized I had no idea how to express a need without apologizing first.
Speaker 1:Today's episode is going to focus on emotional neglect, but before we start, I want to take a minute to focus on what we're grateful for. You've probably heard it a hundred times just be grateful, and if you're anything like me, you've probably rolled your eyes at least once. But here's the thing Gratitude isn't just some cheesy self-help trend. It's actually one of the simplest ways to shift your mindset without needing to overhaul your entire life. When we pause to think about what we're grateful for, even the little things like maybe your cup of coffee or maybe a friend texted you back really quickly, it helps our brain to focus on what's working instead of what's missing or broken. It doesn't mean that we ignore the hard stuff, it just gives us some balance, like, yeah, today was stressful, but also my dog did this weird thing where he runs in circles and made me laugh and suddenly there's perspective. So, no, it's not going to fix all of your problems, but it might make them feel a little lighter all of your problems, but it might make them feel a little lighter.
Speaker 1:So today I'm grateful that I know how to swim, because yesterday I had a really tough day and I was overbooked with patients. I worked 13 hours and because I was overbooked, I didn't eat lunch and I only went to the bathroom once and at the end of the day I was not happy and I was ready to pick a fight with anyone who came near me. So I always go for a swim after my work day. I do have some trauma when it comes to swimming in lakes, but if you put me in a pool, I feel free. I loved feeling that water flow over my skin, feeling weightless and free, and I swam for 50 minutes instead of 30, because after 30 minutes I still felt like I needed to relax. I still hadn't reset my mood, so I stayed in there a little bit longer and now I just need to make sure that no scheduling mishaps happen in the future and I'm going to be set.
Speaker 1:I also got a letter from Leland who says I'm so grateful for my close group of friends who, no matter how many times I F up or have times where I think they hate me, they always stay there. I wish I could see that sometimes. So I'm truly grateful for my friends. Please let me know what you're grateful for and I'm going to do my best to give you a shout out on the show. Leland also sent a really thoughtful letter about codependency and friendships and it really hit some powerful themes like how friendships can be just as emotionally intense as romantic relationships, what it means to rely on someone for emotional support and how hard it can be to rebuild trust after conflict. I really appreciate his openness and sharing his story and over the next couple episodes I'm going to be unpacking each of these topics a little more deeply. So stay tuned and, leland, thank you for your letter and I thank you for being a regular listener.
Speaker 1:So on to the topic of emotional neglect. When we hear the word neglect, most of us picture something really dramatic, like a child left alone at home, no food in the fridge and maybe an unsafe environment, maybe a parent passed out on the couch and not being able to take care of the kids. It's a scene straight out of a really sad movie. But sometimes neglect can also be really quiet. In fact, emotional neglect is often so quiet that many of us don't even realize that we've experienced it until much later in life and realize that we've experienced it until much later in life. And for many of us who struggle with codependency, this kind of neglect is actually where our story usually begins.
Speaker 1:Emotional neglect isn't about what happened to you. It's about what didn't happen. Maybe your parents were physically present, you had lunch packed every day, your homework was done and you got rides to soccer practice. But if you were scared or overwhelmed or sad and no one helped you, name it or comfort you through it, that's emotional neglect. It sounds like you're being too sensitive. You're fine, just stop crying or go to your room and calm down.
Speaker 1:And if you were the strong one in the family, maybe the fixer, the peacemaker or the one who just didn't cause problems, you might have learned early on that emotions were inconvenient, that you were inconvenient if you had needs. The thing is, emotional neglect doesn't leave a visible bruise. There's no dramatic memory to point out, no one screaming, no one hitting, no one abandoning you, and so we don't question it. We tell ourselves that we had a normal childhood or nothing really bad happened. But that absence of connection or comfort that shapes us just as much as the big stuff. And here's how it ties into codependency when your emotional needs weren't met, you may have learned to overfunction. You stop asking for help. You take care of everyone else. You try to be the easy one, the good child, the low maintenance one, the one who's always fine. You might even pride yourself on it, like look how chill I am. I never bother anyone with my problems.
Speaker 1:Meanwhile, you're googling why am I anxious, for no reason, at 2am, while overthinking a text message that you sent three days ago. Does this sound familiar to you? And I know it's hitting a nerve for me? I remember as a kid asking my mom for longer hugs, just needing more from her emotionally. But she had things to do, dinner to make, other responsibilities that were pulling at her. And I get that now. I really do.
Speaker 1:But at that time it felt like rejection, like I was asking for something that was too big or too inconvenient. Another time I was really struggling at recess because I didn't have any friends after I failed the third grade and I told her and I was trying to be brave, trying to open up and her response was do you want your dad to build you a box to hide in that school? Now, maybe she was joking, I don't know, but it really shut that conversation down real quick and I didn't bring it up again, not because I was over it, but because I learned that it wasn't safe to be that vulnerable. And here's the thing I truly believe that my mom loved me. I think she did the best she could with the tools that she had, but there was this mismatch between what I needed and what she had the capacity to give. It wasn't malicious, but it still left a mark. And now, as a parent myself, I can see that from the other side too.
Speaker 1:My oldest was just a year old when I went back to school and I had a second child a few years in. They were 14 years old and 11 when I finally graduated. That's a long time. That's a lot of late nights, a lot of missed moments because I was studying or working or just trying to make everything happen and I gave what I could, and sometimes I made jokes about how they learned to forage for food at a really young age and that's how they survived.
Speaker 1:It was meant to be funny, but also it was a little true. They were independent because they had to be, and they were easy kids. I bragged about how easy my kids were to raise, but sometimes I wonder if that's because they knew that I couldn't handle much more. They were good, but maybe they just stayed small so that I wouldn't get overwhelmed. And that's a hard truth to sit with, because I know I didn't mean to neglect them. I wasn't cold, I wasn't absent in ways that we usually think of, but I probably didn't always meet their emotional needs, not because I didn't care, but because I was running on empty and I didn't have anything else to give.
Speaker 1:And that's the nuance of emotional neglect that we don't often talk about. You can love your kids, you can show up in big ways and still sometimes that might not be enough for what they needed. It's not about blame, it's about acknowledgement, about making the space to say that I did the best I could, but sometimes they needed more, and that's why this kind of neglect is such an overlooked root of codependency. We don't see it as trauma, but it is. It's just a quieter kind of trauma. So I want to ask you this Were your emotions welcomed and supported growing up, or did you feel the need to keep them quiet? If you're leaning towards a second one, then you're not alone, and I'm going to be working with you through this in today's episode, because the truth is emotional neglect doesn't just stay in childhood. It grows with us and it weaves itself into how we show up as adults, in adult relationships and how we talk to ourselves and what we believe that we're allowed to ask for when your emotional needs are overlooked.
Speaker 1:As a kid, even unintentionally, you might have learned some subtle but powerful lessons, like your feelings make other people uncomfortable, or asking for support is a burden, or if you want connection, you need to shrink yourself first. And those lessons don't just magically disappear because you turn 18. They're going to follow you into adulthood, into your friendships, your romantic relationships and even in your work life, because somewhere deep down you believe that your pain is inconvenient to others. You might feel like you're being too sensitive every time someone disappoints you because you were taught early on that your expectations are the problem. You might downplay your needs or wait until you're completely overwhelmed before asking for help, because asking earlier would feel dramatic or needy. Or maybe you've had moments where someone offered genuine care and it made you uncomfortable, because when you're used to not being nurtured, being seen and supported, it can feel really unfamiliar and sometimes even a little suspicious.
Speaker 1:This is what emotional neglect does. It quietly shapes the way that we see ourselves and how we believe that we're allowed to exist in relationships. You start thinking that your value lies in what you do, not who you are. You show up for others but you don't know how to let them show up for you, and you feel safest when you're giving and lost when you're not. And maybe deep down you might have this lingering fear that says, what if I'm only lovable when I'm useful? That one belief, often buried under years of self-reliance and over-functioning, becomes a kind of emotional blueprint. It shapes how we move through the world, what we expect from relationships and, maybe most importantly, what we're willing to tolerate. And maybe, most importantly, what we're willing to tolerate when your early experience taught you that love had to be earned. That attention came when you performed and care came only when it was convenient for someone else. It's going to wire your nervous system to chase the familiar, even if that familiar is inconsistent, confusing or it leaves you feeling unseen. So it's no surprise that many of us find ourselves drawn to emotionally unavailable people, not because we want pain, but because our blueprint tells us that love is supposed to feel like longing, like waiting, like maybe if I just try harder, they're finally going to choose me. So I want to reiterate this because it's so important and we need to watch out for it.
Speaker 1:Emotional neglect in our childhood can cause us to feel drawn to people who don't fully show up for us. As adults. These are the people who text just enough to keep you hoping. They're kind but distant, charming, but emotionally they're kind of like this locked filing cabinet you never quite know where you stand, but something about the chase feels familiar, even a little addictive maybe. So what's going on here?
Speaker 1:This is where I'm going to bring in a concept called repetition compulsion, which it might sound like something that you get diagnosed with on a therapy reality show, but it's actually really common. Repetition compulsion is this unconscious pull to recreate familiar emotional experiences from the past, especially the painful ones, in attempt to finally fix them. So if you grew up with emotional neglect your needs were ignored, dismissed, or maybe you felt like you were being too much you might find yourself drawn to people who replicate that dynamic, people who don't fully see you, who don't meet your needs or who make you feel like you have to earn love. Not because you like suffering I mean, most of us would probably prefer to feel secure but because your nervous system is trying to resolve something. It's like your brain goes ah, this feels familiar, let's try this again, and maybe this time I'm going to get it right. But who are we kidding? Because we usually don't. But we try anyway, over and over and over again.
Speaker 1:And I want to break it down with some signs that you might be chasing emotional unavailability. Maybe you find yourself waiting for texts that never come, or ones that come a day or two later with a hey, sorry, I've just been so busy, and you're like, oh yeah, they thought of me, when in reality it was probably just some bathroom scroll. Or maybe you feel like you're always the one holding space you listen, support, comfort, but when you're the one struggling. You hear nothing but crickets or worse, someone says you're being dramatic. You get this rush of euphoria when they finally give you a little attention, like a good morning text suddenly erases three days of silence. That breadcrumb of affection hits your system like a dopamine shot. And listen, I get it, I've been there. It feels so good to be noticed by the very person who usually makes you feel invisible. You feel like maybe you are lovable after all.
Speaker 1:But here's the hard truth You're not just craving the person, you're craving the relief of finally being chosen. You're chasing the feeling that you didn't get growing up, that moment where someone finally sees you or chooses you or stays with you. And it makes total sense. If you grew up learning that love had to be earned by being easy, quiet, helpful or low maintenance, then of course you're going to chase people who make you work for it. That's what your nervous system is trained to recognize as love. But here's the kicker it's not love, it's survival mode dressed up as chemistry. You think if I can just be better, calmer, more understanding, maybe they're going to choose me, maybe they're finally going to. But the reality is that when you meet the right person, you don't need to convince them to show up. The right person for you is going to show up and you don't need to work for it.
Speaker 1:And the problem is that when you're used to being neglected emotionally, someone showing up consistently might actually feel a little boring or even a little scary. You might ask yourself wait, you're just going to be here without me chasing you. What's the catch? You might be suspicious of people who don't make you work hard for their love and attention, and it's important to note that it's not weakness that draws you to unavailable people, it's unhealed neglect trying to finish the story. It's your inner child waiting for someone to come back and say I see you, you matter and I choose you. But here is where the healing is going to start when you realize that the person who shows up consistently for you can be you, when you stop chasing the ones who won't show up and start choosing the one who always can, and that's yourself.
Speaker 1:This is not just woo-woo self-love talk. It's the nervous system repairing itself. It's breaking the pattern. It's saying I'm done performing for love that should have been mine all along. You don't need to be chasing those love breadcrumbs that others are leaving behind. You can learn that your needs deserve to be met, not halfway, not inconsistently, not on someone else's schedule. I want you to ask met not halfway, not inconsistently, not on someone else's schedule. I want you to ask yourself what would change if I stopped trying to be chosen and started choosing myself instead.
Speaker 1:That question hits hard, doesn't it? Because for a lot of us, especially those of us who grew up with emotional neglect, choosing ourselves doesn't always come naturally. In fact, it can feel a little selfish and even wrong sometimes and that's not an accident when your emotional needs were constantly overlooked, dismissed or maybe met with frustration. It creates this quiet, persistent belief that maybe you were the problem, maybe you were too much too emotional, too needy. Maybe if you'd just been a little better, calmer, stronger, more helpful, someone would have stayed, someone would have shown up for you. So instead of questioning the neglect, we internalize it, we take that blame and that becomes our story that we carry with us into adulthood.
Speaker 1:Even now, you might find yourself thinking I shouldn't need this much reassurance. I should be able to handle this all on my own. Other people had it worse. Why am I struggling? But here's what I want you to hear today the fact that your needs weren't met doesn't mean that you were too much. It means that you weren't given enough. And if that belief that the neglect was your fault is still quietly running the show in your life, then it's time to take a look at it, not with shame, but with curiosity and with compassion, because healing doesn't just mean setting boundaries or ending toxic relationships. It also means unlearning the lie that you were the reason someone else couldn't love you properly. So I want to talk about that a little bit, because it's one of the most damaging side effects of emotional neglect, and that is the belief that you were the problem, that if you had just been better, quieter, easier, smarter, less emotional, more helpful, then they would have loved you, they would have stayed, they would have finally seen you.
Speaker 1:It's this invisible narrative that many of us carry, especially those of us who struggle with codependency. It's not just my needs didn't get met, it becomes I must be bad at needing. And when you believe that your basic emotional needs made you unlovable, you start twisting yourself into a pretzel just to be accepted. You become hyper independent but secretly wish that someone would just offer help without you having to ask. You take care of everyone else's emotions, but feel guilty when yours show up. Sometimes you're like, oh no, I'm having a human feeling, let me just bury that under my to-do list. And a tight smile.
Speaker 1:You become a perfectionist, an overachiever, the go-to person, not just because you enjoy it, but because deep down, you're trying to earn the love that you never got unconditionally. It's exhausting and confusing, because on the outside you might look like you've got it all together, but on the inside you're asking why do I feel so empty, even when everything looks okay? So let me say this clearly even when everything looks okay. So let me say this clearly you were never the problem. You were a kid or a teen or maybe even adult with completely valid emotional needs. You needed comfort. You needed safety, encouragement, someone to notice when you were hurting and maybe help you through it. That's not too much. That's just being human and we all need those things.
Speaker 1:If no one could meet you there, that doesn't mean that you were broken. It means that they couldn't meet you. Maybe they were overwhelmed, maybe they had their own unresolved trauma, maybe they really did do their best, but their best still left these gaps. And now you're left to deal with it and it's okay to grieve that You're allowed to mourn what you didn't get, even if your parents weren't bad people and they did the best with the tools that they had at the time. Grief doesn't mean that you're blaming someone. It means that you're recognizing the truth of your experience and honoring the pain that came with it. Your parents, they're going to need to heal their own experiences. You can only manage your feeling and your experience, and it's important to address this now because until we name it, we can't heal it, and that shame, the belief that you were somehow hard to love, will keep running in the background, like this old operating system.
Speaker 1:So how are we going to begin to rewrite that story? How do we start healing and choosing ourselves? And that's a powerful question. It probably feels a little bit uncomfortable because for a lot of us, this idea of choosing ourselves feels really foreign and it's not something that we're taught. We were taught to be helpful, to be pleasant, to be low maintenance, to be useful, but not necessarily how to be whole. So what does it actually mean to start choosing yourself? I can tell you it's not some grand, dramatic moment where you flip the table over and declare I'm done with this, though I must admit that that sounds pretty cool and is a little tempting, but most of the time it starts in this quieter way, these small moments where you show up for yourself in ways that no one else ever did.
Speaker 1:It might look like noticing when you're overwhelmed and, instead of pushing through it like you always do, you're going to give yourself permission to pause and maybe to rest, not because you've earned it, but because you matter and it's your right to have. Choosing yourself can also look like saying no, not, maybe later. Not maybe I'll try and get it done, but just a clear, simple no. Even if it disappoints someone, even if you don't have a perfect excuse or a PowerPoint presentation to explain it, even if it makes your stomach do that flip-floppy thing, because your gut is telling you that something matters, and this time you're actually going to be listening. Sometimes it looks like letting yourself cry without rushing to shut it down or explain it away. You don't apologize, don't minimize, just allow your feelings to exist without any shame, because when you choose yourself, you're saying my emotions aren't a problem, they're just part of me and I deserve space. And maybe for the first time you stop trying to be the one who fixes everything and instead ask yourself what do I need right now?
Speaker 1:Another huge part of choosing yourself and this one is still really tough. For me it's setting boundaries. Especially when your whole life has been centered around keeping other people happy, when you've spent years literally years performing emotional acrobatics to keep peace, boundaries can feel really risky. You're probably going to hear that old voice in your head saying what if they leave? What if I'm being selfish? But I want you to hear this deep into your bones the people who are safe for you don't punish you for having needs. They're not going to shame you for saying no. They won't make you feel guilty for taking up space. They're not going to disappear just because you ask for respect.
Speaker 1:When someone cares about you the real whole, fully feeling you they want to know what makes you feel safe. They want to meet you there, not just when it's convenient and not just when you're giving, but when you're being human. Now, if that kind of care feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable, that's okay. It doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong. It means that you're doing it differently than you ever did before. You're creating a new pattern, a new way of being that doesn't revolve around guilt or performance or proving your worth.
Speaker 1:It might feel weird, you might second guess yourself, you might want to shrink back into your old habits just to keep the connection, but I promise you that every time you choose yourself, even in some small way, you're building something stronger, you're building something that's more honest and something that's actually going to last. And now you get to unlearn your old story. It's going to be one kind, messy, beautiful step at a time. So let me ask you again what would change if you stopped trying to be chosen and started choosing yourself? Maybe everything. I'll let you sit with that one for a spell. Just take a deep breath, because today was another heavy one. When you come back, I'd really appreciate it if you would be so kind as to follow me and maybe leave a comment.
Speaker 1:I'm most active these days on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor, and threads and Instagram at drangeladowney. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to meet you here next week for another episode of the codependent doctor when I'm going to be talking about codependency in friendships. Take care, for now You've got this. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.