Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
48: Friendship or Relationship? Understanding Emotional Intimacy and Codependency
Codependency doesn't just affect romantic relationships—it can appear in our friendships too, creating anxiety, over-functioning, and emotional entanglement that feels just as intense without the relationship label. Emotional intimacy is emotional intimacy, regardless of whether it's with a friend or partner, and our attachment patterns don't discriminate.
• Friendships lack the clear definitions and expectations that romantic relationships have—there's no "define the relationship" talk or breakup script
• Unspoken friendship rules create confusion, especially for those with codependent tendencies who overfunction to maintain connections
• Friendship grief is just as valid as romantic heartbreak, though society rarely acknowledges it in the same way
• Jealousy and fear can emerge when friends develop new relationships or life changes, triggering abandonment wounds
• Notice which friendships feel genuinely safe versus which ones just feel familiar due to shared history
I am so excited to share my codependency recovery workbook with you. Click on the link to be brough to Enough As I Am on Amazon.
If you've ever cried over a friendship but felt silly about it, or if you've ever wondered why you felt like a breakup just happened, even though you were just friends. Or if you found yourself texting a meme at 2am just to make sure that someone still likes you. Yeah, you're not crazy, but you might be codependent, and today's episode is going to be for you. Today, we're diving into the emotional messiness of friendships, where the love is real, the rules are fuzzy and the grief can hit just as hard as a breakup. You're going to hear why codependency doesn't need a romantic label to show up what's actually behind that panic when a friend gets distant and how to stop over functioning just to keep the peace. So grab yourself a coffee and get a comfortable snack of your choice and stay tuned. This episode's got some gems that you didn't know you needed. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey, we can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent who thinks that friendship should come with a define the relationship chat and maybe a friendship anniversary cake.
Speaker 1:Today's episode we're going to be focusing on the impact of codependency on friendships. But before I get started on the episode, I want to take a minute to focus on what we're all grateful for. You've probably heard it a hundred times just be grateful, and if you're anything like me, you've probably rolled your eyes at least once. But here's the thing Gratitude isn't just some cheesy self-help trend. It's actually one of the simplest ways that you can shift your mindset without needing to overhaul your entire life. When we pause and think about what we're grateful for, even the small stuff, like a good cup of coffee or a friend who texts back really quickly, it helps our brain focus on what's working instead of what's missing or what's broken. It doesn't mean that we ignore the hard stuff, but it's going to give us a little bit more balance. Like, yeah, today was stressful, but also my coffee didn't betray me and my pants had pockets and no one called me before 9am. It helps put things into perspective. So, no, it's not going to fix all of your problems, but it might make you feel a little bit better or a little bit lighter.
Speaker 1:So today I am grateful for the way that my dog, piper, looks at me first thing in the morning when we're all snuggled up in bed. She has so much love and trust and we seem to be able to communicate just by being silent together. And I want to give a shout out to my daughter, mia, who is grateful for her positive group of friends. I agree that this is a great thing that everyone should have, and it's very related to our episode today. I'm also giving a shout out to Jen, who wrote that she's grateful for the first fire pit night with her family, with food and music. She said it's a little chilly out there, but the fire is warm and the setting sun is beautiful. And, as a bonus, she sent me a video of the fire which I got to stare at while sitting in my little studio corner in the basement next to my space heater. She messaged me on threads, which is where I've been more active lately, and I'd love for you to share what you're grateful for. It doesn't have to be anything big, and I'm always inspired by the little things in life that bring us joy. You can find me on threads at drangeladowney and on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor.
Speaker 1:I chose today's topic because I got a great message from Leland, who is a listener, and he's asking for some insight. It says I've been actively working on my codependency and anxiety. I've been reading books, listening to podcasts and working through codependency workbooks and journaling, but I've noticed that most of the content tends to focus on romantic relationships. While I understand that codependency can show up in many forms, I rarely see discussions around codependency in close friendships, which can often be just as intimate, if not more so.
Speaker 1:I'm gay and my best friend is straight. We had a falling out last year, but after a lot of honest communication and effort we reconnected and our bond feels stronger than ever now. Recently he started dating someone new and I'm genuinely happy for him. He deserves happiness and love and I want nothing more than for him to be happy. But ever since the falling out, I find myself in this constant state of anxiety, afraid that it might happen again, even though we've both expressed how much we care about each other and value our friendship, I find it hard to trust that it's secure. I know that's not fair to him or to me and I'm trying to understand what part of my codependency this fear comes from. I haven't been able to find many resources that specifically address this kind of deep friendship dynamic. Is there a difference when it comes to codependency in friendship versus romantic relationships, and why is it hard for me to trust and believe in the connection, even when he's showing up and being consistent? I know I've placed a lot of emotional weight on him as my primary support and I'm working on shifting that, but it's hard. I just feel a bit lost sometimes. Thank you for all the insight that you've already shared on your podcast, warmly Leland.
Speaker 1:Today I'm wanting to focus on how codependency can show up in friendship and romantic relationships, sometimes in similar ways and sometimes in very different ones. When we think about codependent behaviors, we usually picture them in romantic relationships, where there's over-functioning and people-pleasing and people are chasing emotionally unavailable partners, texting back with carefully worded messages after three hours of spiraling. But here's the thing codependency doesn't care if you're dating someone or not. If there's an emotional closeness or vulnerability and attachment, those patterns of codependency, they can show up anywhere, and some of the deepest, most complicated relationships that we have aren't romantic at all. They're friendships. And when friendships are deep, when they become your safe space or your support system or your home base, the emotional weight of them is real, which also means that the triggers are going to be real too.
Speaker 1:Leland's letter hit me because it shows something that we don't talk about enough Friendships can be just as emotionally intimate and just as emotionally fragile as romantic relationships, but we don't give them the same language, we don't always give them the same permission to matter that much. There's no rule book for what to do when your closest friend starts pulling away. There's no breakup talk, there's no title to call the grief. But that pain, it's still real. And that fear, it's very real. Those codependent patterns, they're alive and very well that friendships and romantic relationships are the same and how they're different and how codependency can sneak into both. When you're not looking, because if we only focus on dating or marriage, we're going to miss the full picture of how our attachment wounds and old patterns are going to play out.
Speaker 1:Sometimes the most loyal and emotionally intense relationships that you have isn't with a partner, it's just with your best friend. So today we're going to explore that a little. We're going to talk about emotional intimacy, the unspoken rules of friendship, jealousy and grief boundaries, and how both types of relationships can be a part of your healing or your burnout, depending on how you show up. So I'm going to start right where it matters the most the emotional intimacy. Because whether it's your best friend or your partner emotional closeness it hits the same part of your nervous system and if you've been through emotional neglect or inconsistency or abandonment, it's going to stir things up. Either way, closeness is closeness and vulnerability is vulnerability. And when someone matters to you, when they see the messy parts of your life, when you rely on them for comfort and support, that's emotional intimacy. And emotional intimacy can be just as intense in friendship as it is in romantic relationships.
Speaker 1:But culturally we don't treat it the same way. We act like friendship is somehow maybe a little less than like it shouldn't hurt as much when it ends. Or it's weird to feel anxious or heartbroken if a friend is pulling away. But codependency it can't make that distinction. If you've ever felt anxious when a friend didn't text you back or felt like you needed to stay super agreeable to keep the peace, or maybe you were constantly there for them but didn't know how to ask for the same thing in return. That's codependency, my friend, and it has nothing to do with romance.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we even fall into the same over-functioning kind of role in a friendship that we'd fall into in a romantic relationship we might be the fixer, the listener, the steady one, the I've got you person, even when we're the ones who are falling apart. Why? Because many of us learn that love in any form meant being needed and needing someone else. That felt unsafe. It's a little too vulnerable for us, too risky, and when you think about it, friendships don't come with the same built-in permissions to talk about your needs. We don't have friendship anniversaries. We don't officially define the relationships. One day you might be sharing a bag of chips, then the next day you're the other person's emergency contact. It just happens without any kind of official friendship titles.
Speaker 1:There's no cultural roadmap that says here's how to navigate a deep emotional friendship that's triggering old attachment wounds. So when a friendship starts to feel emotionally intense, when it brings up fear or jealousy or a sense of over-responsibility, we don't always have the language for it and we don't know how to talk about it without feeling a little weird, but here's the truth If your friendship is where you feel seen, soothed and emotionally held, it's just as real, just as valid and just as vulnerable as a romantic bond. And if that relationship starts to wobble a little bit, or even if nothing is really wrong but your anxiety tells you that something is, it's not silly that it hurts. Your emotional nervous system doesn't need romance to get activated, it just needs someone who matters. So if you've noticed codependent patterns showing up in your friendships the people pleasing, the caretaking, the anxiety when things shift a little, it's not because you're doing something wrong, it's because intimacy is intimacy. And the patterns that you learned growing up, the ones that told you that you had to earn love or had to be easy or stay useful, they don't care if there's a kiss involved or not. And this brings me to the next part of our conversation, and it's a big one, because I want to talk to you about the unspoken rules of friendship.
Speaker 1:Because, unlike romantic relationships, friendships rarely come with clarity. There's no hey, are we? Exclusive talk, there's no breakup conversation, no clear roadmap for how your friendship is supposed to progress. And, honestly, romantic relationships don't come with perfect roadmaps either, but at least there's usually some kind of script. With friendships we're literally just winging it. The script for a romantic relationship might look like first we meet, then we have the talk. We might assign labels like boyfriend, partner, spouse. There might be a wedding, valentine's Day, anniversaries, and sure these scripts might be really outdated and full of all sorts of pressure, but at least it exists. And friendships they don't. There's no. Are we friends? Talk, are we just acquaintances, friends, good friends, best friends? There's no clearly defined expectations, no breakup script if it ends and no roadmap for how deep or intimate the connection is supposed to get and how fast.
Speaker 1:Things happen a little bit more organically. One minute you're making small talk about the weather and then all of a sudden you're talking about your childhood wounds. They know your coffee order and your ex's worst personality traits, and no one ever said out loud when that shift happened. It just did Now. Don't get me wrong. I love that. Friendship can grow naturally without pressure.
Speaker 1:But when it comes to emotional safety, that lack of structure can cause a lot of confusion, especially if you're someone who struggles with codependency, because here's what often happens. You build this deep connection with someone, you open up up, you show up, you become the friend who always remembers the important dates. You check in, you listen at 2 am and you send encouraging memes when they're having a bad day. But over time you're going to start to notice that maybe you're giving more than what you're getting or you're afraid to set boundaries because you're worried that they're going to pull away. Maybe you're anxious when they start spending more time with someone new and you start wondering are we still close? But you're scared to ask these things. And that's the emotional fog that comes with unspoken friendship. Rules Codependence and I want you to know that I'm very much included in this.
Speaker 1:We often over-function in friendships as a way to keep connections. We don't want to seem like a burden, we don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, so instead we become the supportive one or the easy one or the one who is always fine. And when the other person starts drifting, even if it's just because life got busy, we're going to feel that deep into our core and we panic but we don't say anything because it feels too much to bring it up. And again, no one has a script for this. There's no. Hey, I noticed that we haven't talked much lately, are we okay? Script for friendship, at least not one that most of us grew up with. So instead we tend to internalize it. We assume that we're being replaced, we tell ourselves that we shouldn't care this much. We start gaslighting our own feelings. But I want to pause here for a minute because of course you care when a friendship holds deep emotional weight, when it's your goal to support, when you've invested time, energy and trust. Why wouldn't you care when it starts to shift? The real problem isn't that you're feeling too much, it's that the rules they were never clear to begin with.
Speaker 1:How often should we check in with each other? Should it be daily texts, weekly calls? Can you have a couple months of silence and still be good? What kind of support do we offer each other? Are we venting buddies, emotional first responders or just for fun friends? How available are we? Is it okay to reach out late at night? Can I expect a reply today, tomorrow or ever? How do we handle conflict or distance? Do we talk about it? Do we just let it fade or pretend nothing happened? What happens when one of us gets into a new relationship or a new job or moves outside the country? Do we adjust the dynamic? Do we talk about it? Do we feel our feelings but never name them?
Speaker 1:You don't need to have a formal sit down like let's define our friendship, but it's totally okay and even healthy to ask them things like when you're having a rough time, do you usually want someone to check in or do you just want space? Or hey, I've missed our catch-ups lately. Do you want to make a plan to reconnect more regularly? Is everything okay between us? Sometimes I overthink stuff and I'd rather just ask. It might feel a little bit awkward at first, but in real friendships that kind of honesty can make everything stronger.
Speaker 1:And when emotional boundaries are blurry and expectations are unspoken, it's really easy to overextend yourself trying to maintain closeness. So what can help? Well, I'm going to be honest there's no easy fix here, but something that does help is starting to bring some of those unspoken dynamics into the light, noticing when you're over-functioning, asking yourself what you're afraid might happen if you let friendship be a little bit more balanced, and maybe, when it feels safe enough, actually having the conversation that you've been avoiding. It might sound like hey, I love our friendship and I've noticed I've been feeling a little off lately. Can we check in? It's scary to ask for these things. But it's also honest, and sometimes honesty is the best boundary, because if we want our relationship to feel safe, we need to make the invisible rules visible.
Speaker 1:But what happens when those invisible rules collide with something even messier, like jealousy, fear or grief? Because here's what no one tells you about growing up. Friendship can break your heart too, and the grief that comes with a friendship shift, whether it's slow or sudden, it can be really intense emotionally, but we don't always know what to do with it and it's hard to watch our friends drift. And a lot of times it's not because something dramatic happens. Sometimes it's because life just moves on. Maybe there's a new job, a new partner, maybe they've got a family now, or they're in a new season of their lives where you're not their go-to person anymore. Life just moves on and maybe you weren't invited to move on with it.
Speaker 1:Now, when these things happen in a romantic relationship, the world takes it seriously. They feel bad for you because your partner's left. People are going to check in with you more often. You're allowed to cry, vent, eat ice cream straight out of the tub. There's this clear storyline we broke up, but when a friendship changes, you get hit with all the same emotions sadness, confusion, jealousy. And yet people act like it's no big deal, like oh well, you guys just drifted apart, that's life, or well? They're dating someone new. Of course they're going to be busier, yes, and also it hurts. It's still going to hurt, but you might not get the same reactions from people, which is really hard. You don't have that permission to grieve.
Speaker 1:And when your friend is dating someone new, that's tough, because in a romantic relationship you are their person, but in a friendship you often have to make room for a new person and suddenly you're not their main person anymore. You're no longer the entree but the side dish. And that shift can feel like a quiet little heartbreak. And here's what happens for codependence. We tend to blame ourselves for the shift. We think was I not fun enough? Did I ask for too much? Should I have been more chill? We assume that our needs drove them away and that inner narrative of I'm easy to leave or people don't like being with me it comes roaring back.
Speaker 1:But friendships, they can shift for so many reasons that have nothing to do with you. Sometimes people just get busy. They fall in love, they have babies, switch jobs, move across the country or just emotionally check out without meaning to, and that's still going to hurt. But it's not always personal. So it's really important that you know this. Just because it's not a romantic relationship doesn't mean that your grief is invalid. And just because the friendship didn't end doesn't mean that there's nothing to process. Sometimes it's not about closure, it's about honoring what the friendship was and acknowledging how much it meant to you. And that might look like letting yourself feel the loss, journaling what the friendship gave you and what it didn't, saying goodbye in your own way, even if it's not dramatic, and reminding yourself that you still deserve connection, you still deserve care, because friends can drift, but the love, the laughter, the support you shared, that was real and if you're grieving the shift, that's because it mattered.
Speaker 1:I want to talk about how both friendships and romantic relationships can be part of our healing, when we stop chasing, stop over-functioning and start showing up for ourselves with the same care that we give to others. One of the most healing things in the world is a friendship where you can show up messy, tired, honest and still be met with care. And yet we don't talk about that enough. We tend to place romantic relationships at the top of the emotional intimacy pyramid, like that's the real goal and everything else is just background support. But deep, emotionally honest friendships can be just as healing, sometimes even more, than romantic ones.
Speaker 1:And why? Because in friendship there's often more space to evolve without the pressure of romance. You can just show up without having to perform a role. You can have conflict and come back from it. You can practice boundaries, communication and trust without the high stakes. Are we going to break up over this energy hanging over your head? And when you're healing from codependency, this kind of connection is gold, because friendship gives us space to learn that we're allowed to have needs, that healthy people can handle our truth, that love doesn't have to mean constant proximity or emotional enmeshment.
Speaker 1:But here's where it gets tricky for codependence. When one person becomes your everything, it's easy to start over-relying on that friendship, in the same way that you might over-rely on a partner. That's why having multiple sources of support is so important, not to replace your close friends, but to distribute the emotional load. Maybe that's therapy, maybe it's a group chat that sends each other dog memes and affirmations. Maybe it's a sibling or a mentor or a friend that you only see once a month but always feel safe around. The point is, no one person is supposed to meet all of your needs, not even your best friend, and when we stop expecting one person to hold all of our emotional weight, it gives everybody more room to breathe.
Speaker 1:So if you're wondering, okay, but how do I actually build friendships that feel emotionally safe and honest? I'm going to give you a few small but powerful things that can help. So these are my practical tips for building healthy friendships. One practice micro-honesty. You don't have to trauma dump or write a manifesto. Just start with something small. Hey, I've had a rough day, I don't need fixing, I just need a little presence. Or I might be quieter today, but I still want to hang out.
Speaker 1:Two check in on the connection, not just the content. It's easy to get stuck in surface talk. Try something like hey, how are you really doing lately? Or I've missed our deeper chats. Can we catch up properly soon? Three give what you want to receive, but not only what you want to receive. This means being present and caring, yes, but also being open to receiving care. Let yourself be supported and let someone else go first for once.
Speaker 1:Four notice who feels safe versus who feels familiar. Some friendships are built on shared history, not shared values. It's okay to outgrow dynamics that no longer feel mutual or nourishing. Five celebrate the friends who get it. You know the ones, the people who respect your nose and who don't guilt you for needing space or who cheer you for your healing. Lean into those people. They're rare and they're gold. You want to have those people around you.
Speaker 1:So, whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship, what really matters is the emotional quality of the connection. Does it feel mutual? Do you feel seen, safe and respected, and can you show up honestly? If yes, then I suggest that you nurture that. So here's what I'm hoping that you're going to take away from today. It's not about the label. It's not about whether someone is your partner, your best friend, your person, your neighbor who accidentally became your therapist. It's about the emotional patterns. It's about how you show up, what you give, what you're afraid to ask for, and whether or not the relationship, whatever kind it is, actually feels safe.
Speaker 1:Because codependency doesn't just live in romance. It lives wherever connection matters, and sometimes the most overlooked dynamics, like friendship. They can carry the deepest emotional weight. So I want you to remember that you're allowed to care deeply about your friendships. You're allowed to grieve when they shift. You're allowed to ask for clarity, set boundaries and want reciprocity, even if there's no official title involved, because healing doesn't only happen in therapy rooms and partnered relationships. It happens in the voice notes, in the long walks or in the I've got you texts at the end of a hard day. It happens when you're met with kindness, not conditions, and that, my friend, is what you deserve, as always.
Speaker 1:If this episode stirred something in you, I'd love to hear your thoughts. You can message me on threads or instagram at drangela downey, or find me on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor. You can also email me at codependentdoctor at gmailcom, and if you haven't yet, please review and share this with a friend or follow, so you don't miss any future episodes. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'm going to continue to explore Leland's letter and talk about rebuilding trust after conflict.
Speaker 1:Take care, for now You've got this. Thank you for joining me, and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.