Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
E49: How to Deal With Father's Day When You Had an Emotionally Absent Father
Do Father’s Day celebrations leave you feeling hollow instead of happy? You’re not alone.
In this raw, candid conversation, we explore the grief that comes with having a father who was physically present but emotionally absent—a special kind of loss that often goes unspoken.
In this episode, you’ll hear about:
- The lasting impact of emotional neglect on self-worth and relationships
- How we internalize the absence of emotional warmth as “something is wrong with me”
- The burden of generational silence and narrow definitions of masculinity
- A new vision of fatherhood: presence > perfection
- Permission to grieve what you never had—and to redefine Father’s Day on your own terms
- Practical ways to honor yourself: letters, rituals, boundaries, or simply skipping the day
Your healing matters. Whether you’re ready to rewrite your relationship with Father’s Day or simply want to feel seen—this conversation will meet you where you are.
I am so excited to share my codependency recovery workbook with you. Click on the link to be brough to Enough As I Am on Amazon.
Today's episode is for anyone who's ever felt a little out of place when Father's Day rolls around, if you didn't have a great relationship with your dad, or if this day stirs up some complicated emotions for you. You're not alone and this episode is definitely going to be for you. We're going to get into all sorts of good stuff today, like what to do if your dad was emotionally absent, how to navigate the pressures to celebrate your father when you're just not feeling it, and how to honor yourself if you've had to do all the hard work of reparenting your inner child. We're also going to talk about grief, not just for the dads that we've lost, but for the dads that we never really had, for the dads that never showed up, and I'm going to share some powerful ways that you can take care of yourself this Father's Day, even if that means skipping it altogether. So if you've ever felt like this day brings up more pain than peace, or if you're ready to break the cycle and define fatherhood and healing on your own terms, then stick around. There's a lot of gems in this episode and I promise that you're going to leave feeling more seen, grounded and supportive. So let's dive in.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 49th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, who's here to remind you that it's okay to skip the barbecue if the emotional menu includes guilt and resentment.
Speaker 1:Before I start this episode, I want to take a minute to focus on what we're all grateful for. You've probably heard it a hundred times just be grateful. And if you're anything like me, you've probably rolled your eyes at least once. But here's the thing Gratitude isn't just some cheesy self-help trend. It's actually one of the simplest ways to shift your mindset without needing to overhaul your entire life. When we pause to think about what we're grateful for, even those little things like a good cup of coffee or a friend who texts back really quickly. It's going to help your brain focus on what's working instead of what's missing or what's broken. It doesn't mean ignoring those hard things. It just means giving yourself some balance, like, yeah, today was really stressful, but also I found a fry at the bottom of the bag and it tasted like hope. So, no, it's not going to fix all your problems, but it might make them feel a little lighter. I want to give a shout out to Suzanne, who's grateful to be alive. That is something that I definitely take for granted and I should take more time to appreciate.
Speaker 1:And for myself, I'm feeling grateful for my dad. He wasn't perfect, but he was patient and generous and always willing to pass down the things that he knew. He built a house with me yeah, I mean like a literal house and he taught me so many great life skills along the way, like how to change a light fixture and fix and replace a toilet and so many other things. He didn't always have all the words or the emotional tools, but he was able to give what he could and he passed on the knowledge that he had. And I'm able to recognize how lucky I was, and I recognize that not everyone has had that same experience At this time of year.
Speaker 1:Father's Day is everywhere. It's in commercials, in stores, on social media. I like Father's Day because I have a good relationship with my dad and I like to celebrate what he means to me. But also, you know, to be honest, I like the tools that go on sale at Home Depot and it's a really great time of year for me to stock up. We're bombarded with all these advertisements that paint a warm picture of loving relationships with a supportive dad, someone who's playing ball with the kids in the backyard or teaching you how to ride a bike. But for a lot of people that just isn't reality. Now, if you've had a present, loving and supportive dad, that's amazing. Truly it is, and you need to celebrate the heck out of that.
Speaker 1:But for a lot of people, father's Day can be really complicated. It's not all barbecues and Hallmark cards. It can bring up some real grief and guilt and anger or a strange kind of numbness that's hard to put into words. Not everyone had a dad who showed up, and I don't just mean physically. Some dads were in the house, but they were never really there. You could have shared a roof and still felt completely alone. Maybe your dad worked all the time. Maybe he was emotionally closed off, maybe he didn't know how to love in a way that felt safe or warm or real, and maybe he was that guy that just watched TV all the time with the emotional depth of a potted plant.
Speaker 1:And when Father's Day rolls around, the pressure can hit really hard. You start scrolling through social media and suddenly everyone's posting tributes like to the best dad in the world or couldn't have asked for a better role model. And you're sitting there thinking like well, mine taught me how to use a credit card and drink beer and disappear emotionally for decades. Like what are you even supposed to post in a situation like that? Some stock photo of a lawnmower, maybe a screenshot of the last awkward one word text that he sent six months ago? And let's be honest, there's this unspoken pressure not just to post but to feel a certain way, to be grateful. There's this pressure to celebrate, to perform the idea of this perfect family for one day, because that's what everyone else is doing and you feel like that's what your family and society is expecting you to do. But I'm here to tell you that you don't owe anyone a curated post or pretend smile, especially not if your relationship with your dad was painful or non-existent or just really confusing.
Speaker 1:Sometimes the person that you're grieving is still alive. It's a very specific kind of grief. You're not mourning their death. You're mourning what you never got the conversations that you needed or the comfort that you craved. And it gets really confusing when your dad wasn't all that bad. Maybe he did provide for your family, but he never hugged you. Maybe he said that he loved you, but only when he was drinking, and maybe he did the best that he could, but the best still left you hurting, still left you needing more. Maybe he didn't step in when your mom was giving you the silent treatment for weeks on end just to punish you.
Speaker 1:It's okay to hold gratitude and hurt at the same time. Those two things, they can coexist. This is especially true in codependent dynamics, where we're used to minimizing our own pain just to protect someone else's image or their feelings. We tell ourselves things like well, he tried, or he's had a really hard life too, and those things can be true. But so was your experience, and for some of you, father's Day isn't just about a complicated dad, but it's also maybe you stepping into that role yourself. Maybe you've had to be the father that you never had. Maybe you're the one who shows up and provides or protects and nurtures others. Maybe you're raising kids and still healing the parts of you that weren't properly parented.
Speaker 1:So Father's Day brings up these weird feelings of sadness or nothing at all. You're not broken and you're not an ungrateful child. You're allowed to sit this one out if you want, and you're allowed to feel conflicted, and you're definitely allowed to set boundaries, whether that means skipping the family barbecue, muting the social posts or even just saying this day is really hard for me. And if you want to, you're allowed to celebrate someone else, whether that was maybe a stepdad, a mentor, a friend or even yourself. Then go for it. You get to define what family and fatherhood means to you. So I just want to stick with this for a minute, because I think that it's one thing to acknowledge that Father's Day is complicated, but it's another to start unpack's episode.
Speaker 1:Emotional neglect isn't about what happened. It's about what didn't happen, and it doesn't always leave bruises or broken furniture behind. It leaves all these questions and these deep ones that really echo within you. There were no bedtime stories. No, I'm proud of you. There was no emotional warmth. You were needing a lighthouse. Instead you just got a shadow.
Speaker 1:And emotional neglect is really sneaky, because as a kid you don't think things like my dad is lacking in emotional capacity. Instead you're thinking things like there's something wrong with me or I'm not worth noticing. Maybe if I was better or louder or quieter, more helpful, maybe he'd care more. And you start internalizing that silence. You fill the gaps with shame and the crazy part is that that shame, it follows you for years into adulthood, because when you grow up in that emotional drought, your nervous system it doesn't forget. You might find yourself chasing people who give you just enough attention to feel hopeful but not enough to feel secure. You start learning that you need to earn love instead of receiving it. Or maybe you go the other way. You start building these big emotional walls so high that no one can get in because it just hurts too much to be let down again. So you end up dating people who are emotionally unavailable or overly intense or totally chaotic, but somehow these feelings they feel familiar. It's a little bit like home because deep down this story still keeps running in the background, saying things like love. It feels like longing or connection is inconsistent.
Speaker 1:I have to work hard just to be able to matter, and I know that sometimes emotional neglect comes from trauma that your father never dealt with, and maybe he grew up in a household where emotions were punished or ignored, and maybe vulnerability was seen as a weakness and maybe he thought that providing financially was the only way that he could love. It's not going to excuse his behavior, but it helps to explain how generational patterns get passed down. It wasn't always out of cruelty. Sometimes it was just unprocessed pain on his part. Now I don't want you to go down this rabbit hole of saying, well, my dad was an abusive, so maybe I'm just being dramatic and I want to stop you right there, because emotional neglect is very real and it can shape your entire inner world.
Speaker 1:Even if your dad was this nice guy, even if you went to work every day and paid the bills, you can still be starving for something that you never received. Some people cope by becoming perfectionists. Others become caretakers, comedians or chameleons, doing whatever it takes to feel like they matter. And then there are those of us who become overly self-sufficient, wearing our independence like armor and calling it strength, when really we're just terrified to need other people and to let them in. You can grieve a father who's still alive, you can grieve a relationship that never existed, and you can mourn the dad that you wished that you had, even if your actual father is still around mowing the lawn and sending chain emails or giving you unsolicited opinions about your life choices.
Speaker 1:Grieving isn't just about death. Sometimes it's for what never was, for the birthday parties that he forgot or the hugs that he never gave. Now, some of you might hear this and go straight to feeling guilty, saying you know, but he provided for us, or he didn't hit me, he had a rough childhood too, and yeah, those things. They can all be true, but this isn't about blaming, it's not about tearing down his character. It's about acknowledging that you had some unmet needs and letting yourself feel the pain of what you didn't get the things that you needed and wanted from your dad that just weren't there.
Speaker 1:Because here's what happens if you don't allow yourself to grieve. Here's what happens if you don't allow yourself to grieve. We keep waiting. We keep waiting for him to apologize, waiting for him to change, waiting for the moment that he turns to you and says everything that you've ever wanted to hear. But a lot of times that moment it's not going to come, not because you weren't worthy of it, but because he just doesn't have the tools or the words for it. And if you're still wanting or hoping and waiting, trying to be good enough to finally get that love, then you're living in this emotional limbo.
Speaker 1:Grief is going to set you free from that waiting room. It helps you stop chasing a version of your father that never existed and might not ever exist. It lets you say I wish it had been different. And I'm allowed to feel that loss, because even if you've moved on, even if you've gone to therapy, built a career, started your own family, there might still be this part of you, this quiet little voice that says but what about me? What about the little kid who never got what he needed?
Speaker 1:Grief it doesn't always look like sobbing in this dark room. Sometimes grieving looks like snapping at your partner because they didn't text you back fast enough. Sometimes it looks like avoiding Father's Day altogether. And sometimes it looks like writing a letter that you're never going to send. And, by the way, I highly recommend that you write that letter not for him, but for you. You don't need to send it and he doesn't even need to know that it exists. But getting the words out of your body and onto paper can be really healing. Saying everything that you wish you could say all the angry things and the heartbreaking things, the things that you didn't even know you were carrying, until they're pouring out of you and it can start like something like dear dad, I wanted you to be someone that you couldn't be and I'm still learning how to let go of that dream. Or you can try being a little sassier, like, dear dad, I didn't realize I was auditioning for your approval and guess what I quit. Graving the father that you never had is an act of love for yourself. It's saying I deserved better and I'm allowed to miss what I never had. I don't have to keep pretending that I'm fine just because he's still breathing. Healing doesn't mean that you forget or that you excuse or deny. It means that you acknowledge the truth and keep going anyway. So after you sit with that grief, after you name what you never got, something kind of powerful is going to happen and you're going to start to wonder does it really need to be this way?
Speaker 1:Does fatherhood always have to be tied to emotional distance or silent suffering. What if we could just rewrite the script? Because a lot of men were never taught how to process emotions. They were taught that strength meant stoicism, that crying was weakness, that vulnerability made you soft or worse and made you a liability. You were potentially raised with phrases like man up or don't be a girl. Real men don't talk about their feelings. Or maybe you were never told not to cry, but you never saw your dad cry or show emotions either. Maybe your tears were met with annoyance or they were dismissed. And if you grew up hearing those things, directly or indirectly, it makes sense that emotional availability didn't show up in your household. It's not that your dad didn't care, it's that no one ever showed him how, and that's called generational silence. It gets passed down like some family recipe for emotional constipation. No one talks, no one names things, everyone just mows the lawn aggressively and calls it bonding.
Speaker 1:But here's where we're going to break the cycle. We don't have to keep repeating what was modeled for us, because masculinity as it's been defined for so long is just too narrow, too rigid and, honestly, it's really exhausting. We're wrapped up in being a man around toughness, control, emotional suppression and never asking for help, and yet so many men are quietly drowning under all that pressure. So let's redefine it, let's expand what it means to be a good man, a good father and a good human, because vulnerability is not weakness, it's courage. Presence is more powerful than perfection. Consistency is going to speak louder than any grand gesture.
Speaker 1:Your kids don't need you to be a superhero. They need you to be there. They need you to show up even if you're tired, even if you don't have the perfect words or even if you're still figuring it out. You don't have to give a TED talk on emotional intelligence at the dinner table. Sometimes it's as simple as hey, buddy, I had a hard day, how about you? Or I'm proud of you, not for what you did, but just for who you are. And if you're not parenting kids but you're trying to be a better man or partner or friend or sibling, things like that, they still count.
Speaker 1:Being emotionally available and learning how to say I feel instead of just I'm fine, asking for help, showing kindness, that's the new masculinity and that's what strength actually looks like. Of course, we're still in a world that celebrates the old model. You might still hear things like he's such a strong, silent type or he never complains, he never cries, never shares. What a rock and sure. Rocks are really strong, but they're also cold and immovable and really hard to hug. So maybe instead of being a rock, you get to be a human. You get to be messy and real and soft and gooey in certain places. You're capable of growing, of apologizing and saying I don't know, but I want to do better.
Speaker 1:Look, no one is born knowing how to parent well, especially if you didn't have a really good role model. But every choice that you make now, every time that you pause before reacting, every time you listen instead of lecture, and every time you say I love you with eye contact instead of just tossing it over your shoulder like some spare sock, you're writing a new story. You're showing the next generation that love doesn't have to look like stoic silence and buried emotions. It can look like warmth, like gentleness, like actually being there. Now I know you're wondering what do I know about being a man? I don't, but I am seeing a new trend where men are being more emotionally available. I've been listening to a podcast called Behind the Shades with Terrain and I just have to say that I really appreciate how vulnerable he's willing to be on his show. He's in tune with his feelings and he's not afraid to communicate them openly, and it's really rare to hear that kind of emotional honesty, especially from a male host, and it really stands out.
Speaker 1:So if emotional vulnerability is something that's foreign to you and you feel like you've already messed up, then join the club. You're not alone, I can assure you of that. Perfection isn't the goal here. Presence is, and you can always start again. So, whether you're parenting kids, reparenting yourself or just trying to unlearn those outdated rules that you were handed down, know this You're allowed to redefine what it means to be a man. You're allowed to lead with softness, not shame, and you're not less of a man for being emotionally available.
Speaker 1:So, after talking about redefining fatherhood and masculinity, about showing up in new ways and breaking cycles and leading with presence, it brings me to something else that's really important. That's you, because maybe you didn't have the dad that you needed and maybe you're not a father yourself, but if you've been doing the hard work of healing, especially if you've had to reparent yourself, then this day, father's Day, can be about you too, and I mean that If you've had to be your own comforter, if you've had to unlearn shame and rebuild self-trust and speak kindly to yourself for the first time ever. That takes strength and it takes presence and it takes showing up. You've become the parent that you needed and that deserves to be honored too.
Speaker 1:Honoring yourself on Father's Day doesn't have to look like a big, dramatic gesture. You don't need to rent a hot air balloon that says I'm proud of you, inner child, unless you really want to. In that case, please send me some photos. It can be something quiet, something gentle, a ritual or a moment that says I see you and I'm proud of how far you've come. Maybe it's going for a solo walk and listening to a playlist that reminds you of your own growth. Maybe it's writing yourself a Father's Day card that says all the things that you wish someone had said to you growing up. Maybe it's just sitting in silence and letting yourself feel whatever comes up and choosing not to judge it. Or maybe just skip the day entirely. You don't have to participate in a holiday that doesn't speak to your experience. You don't owe a social media post. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You're allowed to say this day is hard and I'm doing what I need to protect myself. And hey, if your version of peace is staying in your pajamas all day, ordering takeout and binge watching shows where the dad actually apologizes and makes amends, then go for it.
Speaker 1:Here are some things that you can do if you're feeling pressure to do something for Father's Day. One get honest with yourself first. Before you make any decisions, check with yourself. How do I feel, what do I need? What's driving this pressure? Is it guilt, fear, obligation, need? What's driving this pressure? Is it guilt, fear or obligation? Clarity here is going to be really powerful and you're allowed to want distance. Two you need to do what's right for you Seriously. You don't need to keep putting yourself in uncomfortable situations just to make someone else happy. It's not your job to regulate someone else's emotions at the cost of your own well-being. If seeing your dad feels more harmful than healing, you can say this day is difficult for me. I'm choosing to take space. I'm not up for a visit today, but I hope you're having a good day. I'm focusing on my own healing, and that means setting a boundary right now.
Speaker 1:You don't owe anyone a performance or a reason that you think that they're going to agree with. Three let go of the guilt. Guilt often shows up when we break patterns or challenge expectations. But guilt doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong. It often just means that you're doing something different. Our parents are responsible for dealing with their own emotions, just like you're responsible for dealing with yours. You might feel like you're being selfish, but you're not. You're just practicing self-respect.
Speaker 1:Four you can offer an alternative connection if you want to. If cutting off completely feels a little bit too drastic, you can offer something smaller or different. Maybe a short phone call instead of a visit, or a simple message or a card. Maybe try meeting on a different day that feels a little bit less emotionally loaded. You're allowed to prioritize your peace.
Speaker 1:Father's Day doesn't have to mean abandoning yourself to make someone else feel comfortable. You don't need to set yourself on fire just to keep your dad warm. You're not being selfish for protecting your energy and you're not bitter for telling the truth about what you've lived through. You're not too sensitive for needing a different kind of celebration or no celebration at all. You're honoring yourself, your experience, your growth. So, if no one's told you this yet, I'm really proud of you, not for being perfect, not for holding it all together, but for waking up and choosing to keep going For choosing to show up for yourself in small, consistent ways and for doing the work that no one else can see.
Speaker 1:But that changes everything. So this Father's Day, whether you're spending it with family, avoiding social media, lighting a candle for someone that you've lost, or just taking a nap, make sure it's your version. You get to decide what feels right. You get to decide what honoring looks like and who you're going to honor, and if that means turning your phone off, eating pancakes in bed and saying happy Father's Day to me while watching a YouTube video about nervous system regulation, then I fully support that. You're worthy of care, compassion and celebration, whether anyone else sees it or not. I'd really appreciate it if you could be so kind as to follow me and maybe leave a comment for the show.
Speaker 1:I also invite you to write a letter to your dad unloading all of your pain, the hurt that he's caused, the times where he wasn't there to back you up or to tell you that he loved you. You can bury that letter or you can send it to me if you want. I'm going to keep your secrets safe, so you can send that to codependentdoctor at gmailcom. I'm most active on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor and threads and Instagram at drangeladowney. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself.
Speaker 1:I'm going to meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'm going to be talking about rebuilding trust after conflict. Take care, for now You've got this. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.