Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
50: Rebuilding Trust in Relationships: What to Do When You've Been Hurt
Have you ever felt the quiet pressure to “just get over it” after someone broke your trust?
Maybe they apologized. Maybe they didn’t. But something inside you still feels unsettled.
Trust doesn’t rebuild overnight. It takes consistency, accountability, and the slow return of emotional safety—not just a quick “I’m sorry.”
In this episode, we explore:
- Why trust feels like emotional debt, not a switch you can flip
- How codependent patterns make rebuilding trust even harder
- The difference between true accountability vs. shame spirals
- How emotional safety is rebuilt through small, steady moments
- Why your healing timeline matters—and why it’s okay to take your time
Whether you’re trying to rebuild trust or deciding if a relationship can be repaired, this episode offers practical guidancefor moving forward in ways that feel right for you.
✨Connect with me on Instagram or Threads @drangeladowney—and don’t forget to share what you’re grateful for today.
You can buy my books now on Amazon.
🦋 Enough As I Am - A healing workbook for anyone navigating people-pleasing, guilt, or self-abandonment. It’s filled with practical tools to help you build boundaries and reclaim your self-worth.
🖋️ Enough As I Grow - A 365-day journal with daily prompts to guide you through your healing journey one day at a time.
If you're interested in a list of books that I recommend to help you on your journey you can request it by clicking on the link in my show notes.
🦋 Enough As I Am Workbook on Amazon.
🖋️ Enough as I Grow 365 day Guided Journal on Amazon
📘 Reading list
Email: codependentdoctor@gmail.com
Social Media links: Here
🎵 Music: Touching The Air by Graceful Movement
I'm so glad you're here, because today's episode is a big one. We're talking about something that so many of us have experienced but don't always know how to navigate what happens when someone that you care about breaks your trust? This episode is for you if you've ever hurt someone close or felt that quiet or maybe not so quiet pressure to just get over it. Maybe they apologized, maybe they didn't. Maybe everyone around you is telling you to be the bigger person, but something inside of you still feels really unsettled. We're going to dig into that today. We'll talk about why trust doesn't rebuild overnight, how to own your own part without shame, what rebuilding emotional safety really looks like, why your feelings get to make the timeline, and how to know if a relationship can truly be repaired. There's so much good stuff coming your way. So, whether you're in the middle of repairing something or still deciding if you even want to, you'll want to stick around. This episode is all about giving you tools, language and permission to move forward in a way that actually feels good for you. So let's dive in to move forward in a way that actually feels good for you. So let's dive in.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 50th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I cannot believe this is the 50th episode. It's crazy to me, but I am your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent who's here to talk to you about rebuilding trust, because you're going to need more than just eye contact and a well-timed meme to fix things.
Speaker 1:Before I start the episode, I want to take a minute to focus on what we're all grateful for. You've probably heard it a hundred times just be grateful, and if you're anything like me, you've probably rolled your eyes at least once. But here's the thing gratitude isn't just some cheesy self-help trend. It's actually one of the simplest ways to shift your mindset without needing to overhaul your entire life, when we pause to think about what we're grateful for, even the small stuff like a good cup of coffee or a friend who texts back really quickly. It helps our brain focus on what's working instead of what's missing or broken, like, yes, today was really stressful, but also I found a $5 bill in my coat pocket and I felt like the universe was giving me some tip for surviving. So, no, it's not going to fix all of your problems, but it might make them feel a little lighter. So today I'm really grateful for the rain. My plants they desperately need it but, more importantly, so does our province. With several wildfires that are burning across Manitoba, this rain is going to bring much needed relief. There have been tragic losses. My heart goes out to everyone who's been affected. So I'm grateful for the rain and I'm grateful for my safety and my home.
Speaker 1:Today we're going to be talking about rebuilding trust after conflict, which is one of those things that sounds noble in theory, but in real life it's really messy and there are so many layers to it, and it takes way more patience and vulnerability than most of us were ever taught to give or to receive. Now, trust is one of those quiet things that you don't always notice when it's there, but the second that it's broken you're going to feel it everywhere. There's a line from the movie the Family man that I've never forgotten. It's from Arnie, who plays Jeremy Piven, and he says the Fidelity Bank and Trust is a tough creditor and honestly, he's not wrong. Once trust is broken, whether from a lie, a betrayal or emotional abandonment or even just the pattern of not showing up, it's like going into emotional debt and the repayment plan is not always flexible. Rebuilding trust is a slow, intentional process. It's going to take time, consistency and often a deep learning of what safety looks like in that relationship, because that bank it keeps a record. And rebuilding doesn't mean pretending that the debt was never there. It means slowly and carefully proving that you can be emotionally solvent again.
Speaker 1:Maybe someone broke your trust, or maybe you broke theirs, or maybe you're both trying to clean up the emotional debris after a fight that left the relationship feeling really shaky. There are so many ways that trust can get damaged. It might be infidelity, whether that's physical or emotional, maybe having an argument or leaving the relationship or friendship lying, even the kind that was meant to protect someone, breaking a promise or constantly changing their plans, emotional abandonment during the hard times or not showing up when it mattered the most, whatever it was. Rebuilding trust is going to take more than a quick I'm sorry and a promise to do better. It's going to take showing up again and again in these really small and consistent ways. It takes honesty and accountability and emotional safety, and sometimes a whole lot of self-soothing while you try not to spiral about whether or not things are ever going to go back to the way that they were. And if you're someone who's experienced codependency, this work can be really tricky because sometimes we forgive a little too quickly. We might blame ourselves or keep trying to fix a dynamic that we didn't even break, just so that we don't lose that connection.
Speaker 1:Rebuilding trust isn't about restoring what was. It's about creating something more honest and grounded and emotionally safe than what existed before. Rebuilding trust it's not just a moment, it's a whole process, and that can be really frustrating because we want this clear resolution, we want a fixed problem, we want a moment where someone says I'm sorry and we respond with okay and we both move on fully healed. But the truth is that it's just not how it works. Truth doesn't come back all at once. It comes back really slowly, in small and often really unglamorous moments. It's rebuilt in the in-between spaces, when someone follows through on what they say that they're going to do, when they show up on time, when they tell the truth even if it's uncomfortable, when they don't shut down during hard conversations. It's those quiet, little, steady moments that begin to create emotional safety again.
Speaker 1:And if you're the person who's trying to rebuild that trust if you broke it, it's important to know that genuine apology is just a starting point. It's going to open the door, but it's nowhere near the full repair. You can say that you're sorry and really mean it, but if your behavior doesn't start to shift in a consistent way, the other person is still going to feel unsafe, because words might sound good, but it's consistency that's going to build trust, not promises, not explanations and not a well-written paragraph of remorse. And I know this is the part where a lot of us get stuck, because we're going to say things like what else can I do? I've already said I'm sorry like a hundred times and I get it. But the real question is is what are you doing differently now? What are you showing the other person, not just once, but again and again that tells them that they're going to be safe with you. Again tells them that they're going to be safe with you again.
Speaker 1:And here's the thing that's hard for all of us to accept, especially those of us with codependent tendencies Even if you're doing all the right things now, you don't get to control the timeline. You don't get to decide when the other person should trust you again. That part it's not up to you and that can be so painful because you're doing all the work. Maybe you're trying and maybe you've really changed. But rebuilding trust happens at the speed of safety, and safety looks different for everyone. There will be setbacks. Maybe they're going to pull away one day or question your intentions or bring up the past when you thought you were over it. That doesn't necessarily mean that the trust is gone again. It just means that they're still healing. And if you're the one doing the rebuilding, part of that process is holding space for those moments without defensiveness. And if you're the one who's been hurt, if trust was broken against you, you're allowed to take your time. You don't have to rush forgiveness just because someone says that they're sorry. You're not cold or withholding just for needing consistency before your nervous system feels safe again.
Speaker 1:Trust doesn't rebuild in a straight line. It's often two steps forward and one step back, maybe a pause, a stumble, repair and repeat. That's not failure, that's just human nature. And it's okay if it's messy. It's okay if it's taking longer than anyone expected, because when trust is finally restored not just on the surface, but deep down where it counts it's not because someone got over it, it's because you worked through it together. So, whether you're the one doing the rebuilding or the one deciding if trust can be rebuilt at all, try to be gentle, stay curious, keep showing up. You're doing the real work and that's what's going to matter.
Speaker 1:So once we understand that trust is rebuilt slowly, that it doesn't just snap back into place because someone said they're sorry, the next piece is often the hardest for people, especially for those of us who are deeply self-aware, maybe a little perfectionistic, maybe a little codependent. It's the part where we have to own our own part without collapsing into shame. Because here's the thing Accountability. It's not the same thing as self-blame. It's not about beating yourself up or turning yourself into the villain of the story. It's not about spiraling into I always ruin everything or I'm the worst person in the world. That's not accountability, that's shame, and shame can be really sticky. It doesn't lead to healing. It's going to lead to hiding or to shutting down because you want to avoid the real conversation.
Speaker 1:But true accountability it's about honesty. It's about looking at the moment and saying, yeah, I messed up, I didn't show up the way I wanted to, and I see that it hurt you and I know it's really tempting to explain, to clarify your intent and to say I didn't mean it that way, or I was under so much stress, or you have to understand where I'm coming from. And, yeah, context is going to matter, but intent doesn't cancel out impact. Someone can be hurt, even if we didn't mean to hurt them, and sometimes the most healing thing that we can say is I hear you and I'm sorry that my actions made you feel that way. That's it, that's the work and that's where the repair is going to begin.
Speaker 1:Anyone can say they're sorry. I've said sorry for things that I didn't even do just to avoid conflict. I've said sorry for things that I didn't even do just to avoid conflict. I've also said sorry in the classic Canadian way Oops, sorry when someone else bumped into me. You know the drill. But a real apology, one that is going to rebuild trust, that kind of apology has actions behind it. It shows up in changed behavior. It shows up in follow through, in learning and applying, and showing up differently the next time.
Speaker 1:You can say sorry without groveling, you can be accountable without giving up any of your dignity, and you can hold your own truth while still acknowledging someone else's pain. Those two things. They're not opposite, they can coexist. You might say it wasn't my intent to shut you out and I can see how. That's what happened. I'm really sorry. Or I didn't realize how much that affected you. Thank you for letting me know. I want to do better Because, at the end of the day, shame is going to keep us stuck.
Speaker 1:It says don't look at that, don't admit it, you'll lose everything, but ownership. That's what actually moves us forward. That's what says I can face this and I can be responsible without being crushed by it, and I can grow from it. So if you're carrying guilt for something that you've done, maybe something that you regret, just ask yourself am I stuck in shame or am I stepping into ownership? Because one keeps you frozen and the other is going to bring you closer, closer to yourself and to the people that you care about. So, once you've owned your part without spiraling into shame, and you've offered a real apology.
Speaker 1:The next layer of repair is about rebuilding. You feel safe enough to be yourself in the relationship again. Can I say the hard thing without being punished for it? Can I bring up the feelings without being shut down or dismissed or told that I'm too sensitive? After conflict, especially a big conflict, the nervous system is going to stay on alert. Even if things are calm now, your body might still be bracing for the next explosion or the next withdrawal or the next moment where you're going to be left hanging emotionally. It's like emotional whiplash and no, a single apology isn't going to make your nervous system say, oh, yes, well, everything's good now. I feel safe now.
Speaker 1:Rebuilding emotional safety means that you're creating a space where honesty doesn't feel dangerous. It means that the relationship becomes a place where you can be vulnerable without fearing backlash, and that's going to take more than just words. It's going to take tone and presence and consistency and sometimes softening up a little bit. Genuine communication is going to go a long way here, and so does soft body language. I don't mean that you need to whisper everything in some smooth yoga voice or maintain constant eye contact like you're in a staring contest, but the way that you say things is going to matter. The timing matters. Where you have the conversation is going to matter. Your posture, your facial expressions, your pacing, it all communicates safety or threat, and when someone's been hurt, they're going to be reading into all of it.
Speaker 1:It also helps to say the quiet things out loud, like I know I've hurt you and I'm not expecting you to trust me right away. I just want to show you that I'm here and that I'm committed to doing things better, that one sentence can be more reassuring than a dozen explanations. And here's something that's really going to shift the dynamic. Ask them directly what do you need from me right now to feel safe again? Not asking in a defensive way, not in a just tell me what you want me to do so we can move on, kind of way, but in a genuine curiosity, and then actually listen to the answer that they give you. You might not be able to meet all of their requests, but even asking the question shows that you're engaged in their experience, not just trying to move past it.
Speaker 1:And if you're the one who's been hurt, if you're trying to feel safe again, know that it's okay to need reassurance. It's okay to need more check-ins, it's okay to need more eye contact, more clarity. You're not being clingy, you're just healing. And if the other person isn't willing to help create that safety for you, then that's information in itself. You can't rebuild trust in a space that still feels unsafe. This is all part of the process and it's going to take time and it can be really uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:Sometimes you might feel like you're walking on eggshells at first or worried that you're going to say the wrong thing, but emotional safety isn't about being perfect. It's about being present and being open and showing up again, even if it's a little messy, because that's what's going to make your relationship stronger Not just avoiding conflict, but being able to come back from it with more honesty and softness and more care than you had before. So take your time here. You can let this be slow, you can let it be awkward, and remember that rebuilding emotional safety is just as important if not more so than any grand gestures of repair, because without it, trust doesn't really have a place to land. So if you've been listening to this and thinking, okay, great, but what if I'm the one who got hurt? What if I'm still not okay, then please know that it's okay and you're allowed to need time. Even if they apologized, even if they're saying all the right things now and even if part of you wants to forgive them and move forward.
Speaker 1:But another part of you is still a little bit on the edge, you're still hurt and feeling a little bit unsure. That doesn't mean that you're holding a grudge. So often when someone hurts us and then apologizes, we feel pressure to flip on that emotional switch to say, okay, everything's better now, just because they said sorry, Because they're trying and because we don't want to be difficult or cold or make things feel more awkward than they already are. But here's something that's really important to remember Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. You can forgive someone honestly, fully and with love in your heart and still not be ready to trust them again. You can hold compassion for why they did what they did and still need space from them while you heal. You can love someone deeply and still not feel safe letting them all the way back in yet. And that doesn't make you cruel. It doesn't make you emotionally unavailable. Trust in itself is a boundary. It doesn't make you emotionally unavailable. Trust in itself is a boundary. It's something that you get to give when and if someone earns it back, not on demand.
Speaker 1:So if you're the one who was hurt, give yourself permission to watch more than you listen. Words are going to matter, but actions they matter more, especially when trust has been broken. It's okay to say I hear you and I appreciate what you're saying, but I still need time to see if your actions line up with your words. That's not being cold, that's just being honest and please don't gaslight yourself just to keep the peace. This happens all the time in codependent dynamics.
Speaker 1:You start to doubt your own feelings, you start to minimize the impact of what happened. You start saying things like maybe I'm just overreacting or I should just be grateful that they're trying and suddenly you're making emotional space for everyone else, but not for yourself. But your hurt is real, even if it wasn't intentional, even if the other person is trying now and even if you're still in love with them. That hurt still needs tending to. And, trust me, you don't need to earn your right to feel what you feel. You don't need a perfect case file of evidence before you're allowed to say you know what. Something just doesn't feel right.
Speaker 1:Here You're allowed to protect your peace. You're allowed to take your time and you're allowed to say I want this to work, but I need to feel safe first. And everyone who's truly doing the work to rebuild trust with you, they're going to understand that they're not going to pressure you to rush, they won't tell you to get over it. They're going to keep showing up with softness and patience and humility, knowing that trust isn't something that you demand. It's something that you earn day by day, gesture by gesture. So whether you're in that process, whether you're just starting to open up again or still unsure whether you even want to, it's okay. You don't need to rush your healing just to make someone else comfortable. Let your pace be your power. So if you've been the one who was hurt and you've given yourself permission to take your time, eventually there comes this moment where you have to ask do I want to rebuild this? And if the answer is yes, if there's enough care and willingness and safety to move forward, the next step is figuring out how to do it together, because rebuilding trust it's not a solo project. It's not just a one person apologizing and the other person deciding if it's good enough. It's not one partner doing all the emotional labor, while the other one just waits to be let back in.
Speaker 1:True repair, lasting repair it's going to take effort on both sides and that might mean having the same conversation more than once, not because you're stuck in the past, but because sometimes clarity it comes in layers. You might talk it through, sleep on it and then realize that you have more to say or something new clicks or you get triggered again and need more reassurance. That doesn't mean that you're failing at repairing things. That just means that you're in it. You're staying with the process, even when it's uncomfortable and honestly, that's a sign of care.
Speaker 1:One of the most grounding things that you can do in that process is to shift the focus from what went wrong to how do we want to show up for each other moving forward. Because it's easy to stay in the problem. We start rehashing the mistakes, the misunderstandings and the hurt, but eventually the path forward has to be about building something new, and that might sound like I want to feel like I can come to you with the hard things, or I want to feel more emotionally safe when we're stressed. I want us to check in more, not just when something's wrong, but because we care, and those goals don't have to be big. In fact, the smaller and the more doable they are, the more powerful that they're going to be. You'd be surprised what a difference those little things are going to make Sending a thoughtful text just to say I'm thinking of you, maybe offering a hug before jumping into problem solving, or just making real eye contact when someone's trying to be vulnerable.
Speaker 1:These tiny moments are where trust is going to start to regrow. It doesn't come back in this weeping moment of forgiveness with dramatic music playing in the background. It's going to come back when someone stays kind during this really tense conversation, when they show that they're really listening, when they react to your pain with softness instead of defensiveness. That's when your nervous system starts to say okay, maybe I can start to relax here a little bit again. And this is going to go both ways.
Speaker 1:It's not just about what they need to do for you or what you need to do for them. It's about learning how to meet each other differently, in a way that feels more grounded and honest than before. It's rebuilding together, not waiting alone in separate corners to see who flinches first. And look, none of us do this perfectly. There are still going to be a lot of messy moments. You're both going to slip up and you might even revert to some of your old patterns. But if you can keep returning to that shared commitment to be kind, to be clear, to keep trying, then trust is still going to grow. It's going to grow slowly and gently and really honestly. So, whether you're in your own process or whether you're the one who was hurt, the one trying to rebuild, or both, I just want to remind you that trust can be rebuilt, but it's going to take time and softness and patience and mutual effort between the two of you and, most importantly, it's going to take self-compassion, because, no matter how strong the relationship is, you're still human and so are they. Conflict doesn't have to be the end of your connection. When it's handled with care, it can become the beginning of something more honest and more grounded and more real than what you had before.
Speaker 1:I'd really love to hear from you If you've been through something that required rebuilding trust, whether in a friendship or relationship or with yourself. I'd love to know what helped, what made a difference. And, while you're at it, tell me something that you're grateful for, whether it's big or small. Maybe you had a hard day, but your dog sat at your feet just when you needed more comfort. Maybe your friend texted you something funny. Maybe you finally said I'm sorry and really meant it.
Speaker 1:You can find me on threads or Instagram at drangeladowney, and on Facebook at the codependent doctor. I love hearing your stories and being part of this community with you. You don't have to do healing all alone, and sharing what's real is part of how we all grow. Thanks for hanging out with me today and I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself.
Speaker 1:I'm going to meet you here next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when we're going to talk about forgiving your parents. They did their best, but what happens when you needed just a little more? Take care, for now You've got this. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing senior doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911 or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.