Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
51: When 'They Did Their Best' Wasn't Enough: Healing From Childhood Emotional Neglect and Parenting Challenges
Have you ever thought, “My parents really tried their best… but I still got hurt”? This episode dives into that exact truth—the emotional complexity of being raised by loving parents who lacked the tools to meet all your needs.
Dr. Angela Downey shares her story from both sides:
- As a child with unmet emotional needs
- And as a mother navigating burnout while trying to give her kids everything
We explore how:
- Childhood coping becomes adult codependency
- “Being the good child” often means losing your voice
The most liberating truth? Healing doesn’t require your parents’ permission. You don’t have to wait for them to become the parent you needed—you can become that safe place for yourself now.
You can buy my books now on Amazon.
🦋 Enough As I Am - A healing workbook for anyone navigating people-pleasing, guilt, or self-abandonment. It’s filled with practical tools to help you build boundaries and reclaim your self-worth.
🖋️ Enough As I Grow - A 365-day journal with daily prompts to guide you through your healing journey one day at a time.
If you're interested in a list of books that I recommend to help you on your journey you can request it by clicking on the link in my show notes.
🦋 Enough As I Am Workbook on Amazon.
🖋️ Enough as I Grow 365 day Guided Journal on Amazon
📘 Reading list
Email: codependentdoctor@gmail.com
Social Media links: Here
🎵 Music: Touching The Air by Graceful Movement
Hello, my friend, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're here today, because this episode is packed with the kind of insight that I wish someone had given me back years ago. If you've ever looked back on your childhood and thought my parents really meant well, but I still got hurt in the process, this episode is going to be for you. If you're a parent doing your best or a grown-up child who's still trying to make sense of what you didn't get, then stay with me, because today we're diving into the complexities of being a parent and forgiving your parents even when their best wasn't enough. We're going to talk about what to do when there's no instruction manual, when you have that baby, and how to name the gap between what you needed and what you got from your parents, and why it's okay to grieve what didn't happen, even if you were loved. So you're going to hear about some emotional tools, some of those sneaky stories that we tell ourselves just to survive, and what it really means to reclaim your voice and to write a new story. There's wisdom, compassion and maybe even a few light laughs along the way. So be sure to grab a cozy drink, take a breath and let's talk about the messy, tender and human side of parenting. Let's get into it.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a weekly podcast focusing on all things codependency. Are you struggling to love yourself, feeling burnt out or having trouble forming loving and meaningful relationships? I can help you heal from the past and move forward with healthier selves, healthier relationships and healthier, more fulfilling lives. Join me as we reclaim your authentic self. I'm your host, a family doctor and fellow codependent, dr Angela Downey. We can do this together. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 51st episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent who was so overbooked that my idea of parenting was cheering my children on from the laundry pile.
Speaker 1:Before I get started on this episode, I want to take a minute to focus on what we're really grateful for. You've probably heard it a hundred times just be grateful, and if you're anything like me, you've probably rolled your eyes at least once. But here's the thing gratitude isn't just some cheesy self-help trend. It's actually one of the simplest ways to shift your mindset without needing to overhaul your entire life. When we pause and think about what we're grateful for, even if it's just something small, like maybe a good cup of coffee or a friend who texts back really quickly. It helps your brain focus on what's working instead of focusing on the things that are broken. It doesn't mean that we're ignoring the hard things. It just gives us a little bit of balance, like, yeah, today was stressful, but also someone's ringtone went off in the store the other day and it brought me back to the days of dancing at the club. It was great. I felt like a total rock star in line at the department store. So no, being grateful for things isn't going to fix all of your problems, but it might make some of those problems feel a little lighter. Today, I'm really grateful for meditation.
Speaker 1:A few years ago, I was constantly wound up before bed and I knew that I needed something to help me unwind, and that's when I started listening to this calming music and doing these guided meditations and, honestly, they changed my life. So now I play soothing music during the day, while I work, when I'm on my walks and every night before bed. I use this app called the Insight Timer. It has this like huge library of meditations and relaxing music, and I even got my partner into it. So now our bedroom sounds like we're sleeping in the middle of some rainforest or something every night. It's, oddly, really magical. And just so you know, this is not an ad I'm not sponsored or anything by Insight Timer. I've used all sorts of apps before, like Calm and just random stuff that I found on YouTube. I just genuinely like listening to soundscapes. I find them really relaxing. So today I guess I'm grateful for people who are putting out content with relaxing music and soundscapes, because they've really helped me a lot. So on with today's show.
Speaker 1:When I first had my baby, I remember standing there in the hospital room holding this tiny human in my arms and thinking, holy cow, like what now? Human in my arms, and thinking, holy cow, like what now? And 24 hours after getting home, I remember breathing this huge sigh of relief because I couldn't believe that I'd managed to keep her alive that long. When you leave the hospital, they give you this like little package of diapers and a pamphlet about maybe breastfeeding, maybe a sample of baby shampoo, but what I really needed was an instruction manual. I needed something that said this is your daughter, mia, and this is how you're going to raise her. These are all the things that you're going to face in life and this is how you're going to handle it. But there's no such thing. It would have been great to have something that walked me through all my child's unique wiring and all their fears, their quirks and what I should do when they scream for no reason at 3 am. But that manual never came. There is no manual, it's just me trying to figure things out as I go along.
Speaker 1:And then I had my second child and I thought okay, now I know what I'm doing. This is going to be easy. I've done this before. But no, it's a totally different child, different temperament, different needs, and once again, there is no manual. And that's the one thing that I feel like no one really tells you about parenting.
Speaker 1:It's a whole lot of trial and error and, depending on your personality, your stress levels, your support system or, let's be honest, the amount of sleep that you're getting, you do your best each and every moment, but sometimes your best is going to look different from one day to the next and sometimes it might not be enough for your child. Some days you're patient and some days you're calm. Some days you're just trying not to lose your mind because everyone wants something from you and you haven't peed alone in five days, and that's not failure, that's just called parenting. So add to that the complexity that each child is wired differently. Some kids are more sensitive, some are more independent and some need more structure. Others need more freedom. Some cry just because you cut their toast the wrong way and as a parent, you're constantly trying to read these invisible cues while also juggling your own life, your job, your relationship, your mental health, maybe your past trauma showing up in a new and really unexpected way, and no one really prepares you for any of that.
Speaker 1:We have this idealized version of parenting in our heads, especially for those of us who didn't feel safe or unseen as kids. We think to ourselves I'm going to do this differently, I'm going to get it right. And while there's so much beautiful intention behind all that, it's also a setup. You're setting yourself up for failure, because there is no such thing as getting it all right. There's just doing the best that you can with what you have in that moment. And for most of us, we're just trying to build the plane while we're flying it. At the same time, we're reading books and we're watching other parents, we're listening to podcasts and maybe googling things at 2am, like is my kid's temper tantrum normal or are they emotionally doomed forever? The truth is that most parents are doing this with a mix of hope and fear and love and whatever tools that we've picked up along the way, and maybe for some of us we didn't get a full toolbox. Maybe we're parenting without the emotional instructions that we wish that we would have had ourselves, which means that we're not just raising kids, we're trying to reparent ourselves in real time.
Speaker 1:So if your parents didn't get it right all the time, or if you're struggling as a parent yourself, I just want to say this it doesn't mean that you weren't trying. It doesn't mean that they weren't trying. It means that parenting is deeply human and messy. It's really confusing at times and it's full of mismatches and missed moments, but full of growth. So before I go any further, I want to pause and say something really important here.
Speaker 1:If you have experienced abuse, whether it's emotional, physical or sexual or maybe psychological that's not just imperfect parenting. That's not okay. There is no version of abuse that is ever excusable or acceptable, and no matter how stressed or unsupported a parent might have been, if that was your reality, please know that your pain is valid and the healing that you deserve might be going beyond what this podcast can give. You might need support that's more personal and more specialized, from maybe a therapist or trauma-informed support group or a safe space to process what you've been through. You didn't deserve any of that hurt and you don't have to carry it alone. So you're welcome to listen to this podcast and I hope you get something out of it, but please make sure that you're getting the help that you need. So let's talk about something that's often true and rarely said out loud Not all parents are equipped the same, and I don't mean that in a judgy way.
Speaker 1:I mean that it's the most human and compassionate way possible. I still remember during COVID people talking about you know we're all in the same boat, but in truth, not all boats are built the same. Some people have luxury yachts and some people have these little rowboats. So, just like how we're not all in the same boat, not all parents come with the same skills or tools to be able to raise kids the same way. We're all made differently. So think of it this way we all show up for the job of parenting with this toolbox. Some people have a full workshop. They've got every tool under the sun Emotional regulation Check, self-awareness, got it. The ability to stay calm during toddler meltdowns in the middle of a grocery store? Yeah, they've got that shiny, well-oiled wrench too. And then there are the parents who are handed this rusty screwdriver and a bent hammer and told good luck building a whole house with that. It's not fair and we're not all on equal footing here. And it's not their fault. Fair, and we're not all on equal footing here, and it's not their fault.
Speaker 1:The tools that we have or that we don't have, they come from many different places. Those tools come from how we were raised, from the culture that we grew up in, from the stress and the trauma that we've carried, from the things that we were taught and the things that we were never taught. Some people grew up in homes where feelings were named and validated, where others were told to stop crying or sent to the room until they could calm down. Some children were modeled patience and repair. Others grew up watching people slam doors or go silent for days or pretend that nothing ever happened. That becomes the blueprint. And then, when we become adults, maybe even parents ourselves, and suddenly we're supposed to know how to handle everything without ever having been shown.
Speaker 1:When I was in medical school, I was doing everything that I could to be a good parent. I had two kids and I was trying to juggle it all. I had exam, I had 24 hour call shifts, the pressure to perform and the constant exhaustion. I was working 70 to 100 hours a week running on fumes. I would leave the hospital and head straight home still in my scrubs, and I was trying to switch gears from doctor and training to mom, with zero recharge time in between. On two occasions I remember helping my kids do their homework after being awake for 40 consecutive hours, and I loved my kids deeply. I still do more than anything, but I didn't always have the tools or the energy or the emotional bandwidth. I gave them every last drop of energy that I had, but I still felt like it wasn't enough and some days, if I'm being honest, it probably wasn't enough.
Speaker 1:I used to joke around that my kids learned to forage for food at a really young age because sometimes they had to. That joke it comes with a little bit of truth behind it. I was there, but not always fully, and I can see now how they became independent, not just by nature, but by necessity. Like many kids who were raised by overwhelmed or emotionally unavailable caregivers, they had to figure things out on their own. A lot they adapted and they survived, because that's what kids do. And here's the part that's really hard to sit with. Sometimes love just isn't going to be enough to sit with. Sometimes love just isn't going to be enough.
Speaker 1:It's possible to love your children with your whole heart and still not meet every need that they had. That doesn't mean that you failed as a parent. It just means that you're human and it means that you're doing the best that you could with what you had at that time. But if you were that child in the equation what you had at that time, but if you were that child in the equation, the one who needed more than what your parent could give, it doesn't always feel like they did their best. Maybe it just feels like something was missing and that ache can follow us into adulthood, not because they didn't love us, but because they didn't have the tools and maybe they didn't know how to go looking for them either.
Speaker 1:Emotional neglect isn't always the result of malice or intentional harm. Sometimes it's the result of absence not just physical absence, but emotional A parent who's so distracted by survival or mental illness or trauma maybe it's addictions that they can't tune into what their child needs and that child learns not to ask for things. The child learns to not need anything to try and keep the peace. They become self-sufficient way too early in life and I think that a lot of us are walking around as adults with those childhood survival strategies still running the show for us. So if you've ever looked back at your childhood and thought they tried but it wasn't good enough, you're not being ungrateful, you're not being too sensitive. You're just being honest, and honesty is the first step in healing.
Speaker 1:I believe that both things can be true. We can acknowledge that our parents were under-equipped and that we still needed more. We can have compassion for what they lacked but grieve that we were missing something. We can say they did their best, and then we can also say that we're carrying wounds because of it. So let's sit with the really hard part for a minute, the part we don't like to admit because it feels messy or really disloyal, and it's this Sometimes our parents' best just wasn't good enough, and I know it's really hard to say that out loud, especially if you grew up being told how much your parents sacrificed for you, how lucky you were, how much harder they had it when they were young, or how they gave you everything they could and maybe they did, maybe they truly were doing their best that they could with what they had.
Speaker 1:But it's okay to say that you still got hurt in the process, because harm doesn't just come from malice. It also comes from absence. It can come from disconnection, from inconsistency. And kids don't just need love in a general sense. They need to feel safe. They need to be seen and soothed and supported. They need someone to notice when something's wrong. They need to be comforted when they're scared and not to be told to stop crying. They need boundaries that feel safe, not moods that shift like the weather.
Speaker 1:Love isn't just what you feel for your child. It's what your child is going to feel from you, and sometimes the love was there but the rest wasn't. Maybe you loved your child, but did they feel loved? Did they feel like they were getting what they needed? Maybe you had a parent who never said I love you, but they always made sure that dinner was on the table, or one of those parents who cheered loudly at soccer games but shut down completely when you had big feelings. Maybe you had a parent who was kind one day and then cold the next. Maybe your parent meant well, but they left you walking on eggshells and you were unsure of what version of the parent that you would get when they showed up. That is going to leave a mark and as adults we try to make sense of that.
Speaker 1:We can say things like, well, they were under a lot of stress or they didn't know any better. They did the best they could, and those things might all be true. But explanation is not the same as justification. Understanding where someone came from doesn't mean that the impact of their actions disappears. It's like, let's say, somebody steps on your foot. They were distracted and maybe they didn't mean to, maybe they didn't even notice that they did it, but your foot is still going to hurt, you're still limping around and the bruise is still real.
Speaker 1:And if they never acknowledge it, if they never say hey, sorry, I didn't realize I hurt you, you might start to wonder if the pain is your fault or if you're overreacting, or if it even counts. But it counts. It counts that you didn't feel like you got what you needed and naming that pain, even just quietly if you need to. It's a radical act of self-respect. It's not about blaming. It's about acknowledging that your needs mattered, that you were a child who deserved emotional safety, not just a shelter. You were a child who needed to be seen, not just fed and clothed. You can feel compassion for your parents and still grieve your younger self who didn't get what they needed. You can see their wounds and still name your own. You can say they tried, but I needed more. This is what healing looks like.
Speaker 1:Sometimes this part of your journey brings up all sorts of guilty feelings, especially if you're a parent now yourself. If you're a parent now yourself, you're going to start to realize how hard it is to always show up and to always get it right and to always have enough emotional gas in your tank. That's part of being human. But don't use your empathy to invalidate your own experience. Don't skip over the pain just because you understand where it came from. That's the bridge that we build when we stop pretending that it didn't hurt, when we stop minimizing or over explaining. That's the bridge that we build when we stop pretending that it didn't hurt, when we stop minimizing or over explaining. That's when the healing begins. It's when you start telling the truth with kindness to yourself first.
Speaker 1:So after we start naming those gaps, the ones between what we needed and what we actually got, something else often comes up. It's those stories that we told ourselves to cope comes up. It's those stories that we told ourselves to cope, because, as kids, we don't have the ability to say, hmm, my parent was emotionally unavailable because they were overwhelmed and carrying all this trauma. No, we're going to internalize that message. We assume that it's us, we assume that we're the problem, and so we start making sense of that in the only way that we know how, and that's by adjusting ourselves. We start to think maybe I'm too much, or if I can just be better, then they're going to be proud of me. Or if I don't need anything, maybe they're not going to get upset with me. We learn to shrink and to accommodate. We try to be helpful and visible and easy and honestly, that became a survival strategy for a lot of us, and I've seen this not only in myself but in my own kids too.
Speaker 1:When I was in medical school, I was so overextended. I was working and studying and parenting and my kids, even when they were little. They picked up on that. They didn't want to add to my stress, so they learned to keep their needs really small. They didn't want to ask for too much, so they learned to keep their needs really small. They didn't want to ask for too much.
Speaker 1:And on one hand I'm proud of how resilient they are, but on the other hand it really it breaks my heart because I know that quiet message, that message of don't rock the boat or don't ask for more. Those messages they're going to follow us into adulthood and that's where the whole good child identity gets baked in, the one who gets praised for being mature or self-sufficient, that child who's no trouble. But inside there's often this quiet grief, a sense of I didn't get to be, just a kid, I should be making mistakes and I should be trying new things. Just a kid, I should be making mistakes and I should be trying new things. And what's really complicated about all of this is that a lot of us still feel this deep loyalty to the people who raised us. We tell ourselves but they sacrificed so much and they had it way worse than I did, and maybe that's true.
Speaker 1:But love and grief can exist at the same time. You can have compassion for your parents and what they went through and still acknowledge that ache that you carried. Because when those early dynamics aren't looked at, they're going to show up later and that's where codependency is going to take root when we're raised to be so in tune with others that we lose track of ourselves, and when we grew up thinking that it's our job to make sure that everyone else is okay, even at our own expense. And even now, as adults, we might find ourselves defending our parents while privately carrying the weight of the unmet needs deep inside. Just because someone did the best they could doesn't mean that it was always enough, and it's okay to say that and it's okay to name that gap. That doesn't mean that you're ungrateful. That just means that you're healing. You're telling the truth, not just for your inner child, but also for the adult that you are now, who deserves to stop carrying this quietly After spending so many years trying to explain or excuse or minimize what happened.
Speaker 1:There comes a moment where we get to say that wasn't okay. It's not so that we can blame people. And it's not to hold a grudge, but it's to tell the truth. It's not to hold a grudge, but it's to tell the truth and I know how hard that can feel, especially if you're raised to protect other people's feelings or to smooth things over or to be the understanding one there's this voice that still says but they tried so hard, or they didn't mean to hurt me, or other people had it worse. But naming your pain it doesn't cancel out your gratitude. It doesn't mean that you didn't love them or that they didn't love you. It means that you're ready to be honest, maybe for the first time in your life, about what it actually felt like to be you when you were a child. And yeah, that guilt is going to show up. It's this little knot in your stomach that whispers. I'm being really ungrateful.
Speaker 1:But healing isn't betrayal. Speaking your truth isn't turning your back on your family or your parents. It's just turning inward toward yourself a little bit, because that's where the healing is going to start. When you stop asking questions like was it really that bad? And you start asking yourself, what did I need that I didn't get? You're allowed to tell your story and you're allowed to recognize that you had that story. You're allowed to tell your story and you're allowed to recognize that you had that story. You're allowed to feel both love and hurt and you're allowed to reclaim your voice, even if it shakes a little bit when you try to use it.
Speaker 1:Sometimes repairing the relationship with your parent isn't always possible, and that's okay. Not every parent is going to be capable of giving you what you needed back then or even now. And even when you are done all of that inner work, even when we are ready to have that healing conversation and maybe receive that apology, they might not be able to meet us there. Maybe they still don't see the harm that they caused, maybe they can't acknowledge it, or maybe they're just not emotionally equipped to go there with us. Maybe they're carrying all sorts of shame with them and they're just not able to hear what we need to say. And that can be a really painful thing to accept, because the child inside of us still hopes. We're still hoping for this day when our parents can say I'm sorry, I didn't realize how much I hurt you or I'm sorry that you didn't get all the things that you needed. And I'm going to say this really gently but clearly sometimes that day is just, it's just not going to come.
Speaker 1:And if you've been holding your healing hostage while you wait for someone else to validate your pain? I want to invite you to consider this. What if you are the only one who can set yourself free? Healing doesn't require their permission. It doesn't require a signed confession on their part or a mutual moment of closure. Of course all of that would be really nice, and of course we all want to be seen, but healing is an inside job and it's about grieving what wasn't and choosing every day to live in what is.
Speaker 1:For me, one of the most powerful things that I've done is write letters that I never send, maybe sending letters to a parent that I wish I had, letters to my younger self, letters to the parts of me that still ache for things that I know I won't get. It's not about pretending. It's about acknowledging that loss and making space for the feelings that I tried to swallow down for years. And if it feels helpful, you can create your own kind of closure. You can go through therapy or journaling, even something symbolic like lighting a candle or planting something in the ground. It doesn't have to be super dramatic or public. It just has to feel real for you, because once we stop trying to fix the past, we can finally start focusing on the present. We can start focusing on the kind of parent or friend or partner that we want to be.
Speaker 1:Now. We don't heal by rewriting the story. We're going to heal by writing new stories, and maybe part of that new story is just reminding yourself I can build a beautiful life, even if I didn't get the beginning that I deserved or needed or wanted. So after all of this, after the grief and the honesty and the reckoning with what was and what wasn't, we eventually come to this tender question can I forgive? And I want to say this right up front forgiveness isn't about pretending that it didn't happen. It's not about erasing the past or letting anyone off the hook. It's not about saying it's okay when really it wasn't.
Speaker 1:For me, forgiveness is about my peace. It's about loosening the grip that pain has on my present. It's about saying I'm not going to let this shape the rest of my life, even if I still carry scars. Those scars are going to be there forever, but I'm still going to move on. And here's the thing that a lot of us tend to forget you can forgive someone and still keep your distance. You can have compassion without giving them full access to your life. You can release the hope that they're ever going to fully understand what you're going through and still choose to move forward with softness and clarity, not because they earned it, but because you deserve to feel free.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, the biggest act of forgiveness is simply letting go of the fantasy that they're going to change, that someday they're going to magically become the parent that you needed. That moment might never come, and I know that that's really hard for a lot of us to accept, but it can also be incredibly freeing, because it means that you're no longer waiting. Instead, you get to become the wise nurturing presence that you needed. Instead, you get to become the wise nurturing presence that you needed, maybe for your own kids, maybe for the people in your life and to move at their own pace, on their own terms and in their own time. There is no right or wrong way to reclaim your peace.
Speaker 1:I want to thank you all for hanging out with me today. If you liked the episode, I'd love it if you could share it with someone that you love who needs to hear it and heck, share it with the whole world. I'd love to help more people out there. I'd also really appreciate it if you'd be so kind as to follow me and maybe leave a comment. I'm most active on Facebook, at the Codependent Doctor, and threads and Instagram at drangela downey. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be moving to recording episodes every two weeks from now on. I'm working on a couple projects that I can't announce just yet, but I'm really excited to share them with you in the future. I'm going to talk to you again in two weeks with another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'll be talking about breakups. Take care, for now You've got this. Thank you for joining me and I hope today's podcast resonated with you. Click, like and subscribe so you don't miss any future episodes and to help others who might benefit. This podcast is not meant to provide medical advice and should not replace seeing your doctor for mental health concerns. If you're having a mental health crisis, please present to a hospital, call 911, or your local crisis helpline. I'll talk to you next week for another episode of the Codependent Doctor. We can do this together.