Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
52: The 3-Second Authenticity Pause: How to Stop People Pleasing and Start Listening to Yourself
In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I introduce the powerful yet simple tool that’s helped me stop people-pleasing on autopilot: the three-second authenticity pause. Through personal stories and practical tips, we explore how this tiny moment of mindfulness can help you reconnect with your body’s wisdom, set boundaries without guilt, and honor your truth—because real self-care starts with choosing yourself.
You can buy my books now on Amazon.
🦋 Enough As I Am - A healing workbook for anyone navigating people-pleasing, guilt, or self-abandonment. It’s filled with practical tools to help you build boundaries and reclaim your self-worth.
🖋️ Enough As I Grow - A 365-day journal with daily prompts to guide you through your healing journey one day at a time.
If you're interested in a list of books that I recommend to help you on your journey you can request it by clicking on the link in my show notes.
🦋 Enough As I Am Workbook on Amazon.
🖋️ Enough as I Grow 365 day Guided Journal on Amazon
📘 Reading list
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🎵 Music: Touching The Air by Graceful Movement
Hello, my friends, and welcome back. If you've ever said yes when your whole body was screaming no, then today's episode is for you. Whether you're a chronic people pleaser, someone who struggles with guilt when setting boundaries, or just trying to reconnect with what you actually want, you're going to want to stick around for this video. Today, I'm diving into one of the most powerful tools that I've used in my own life with my patients. We're talking about how to stop abandoning yourself in those small moments, those small everyday moments. I'm going to be sharing stories, strategies and simple scripts to help you tune back in with your gut and to start saying yes to things that actually make you feel good. So grab your coffee, take a breath and settle in. This episode is packed with all these little gems that might just change the way that you show up for yourself. Starting today, welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a podcast where we unpack the messy, beautiful journey of healing from codependency. If you're burned out from people pleasing, stuck in unhealthy patterns or just tired of putting yourself last, you're in the right place. I'm Dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, and I'm here to help you reconnect to your authentic self. One honest conversation at a time. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 52nd episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, who's finally mastered the art of pausing before saying yes, unless you ask me to move a couch and then all bets are off. Just kidding.
Speaker 1:Today's episode we're going to focus on a tool that I've created called the three-second authenticity pause. But before we get started on that, I want to take a minute to focus on what we're all grateful for. You've probably heard it a hundred times just be grateful, and if you're anything like me, you've probably rolled your eyes at least once. But here's the thing Gratitude isn't just some cheesy self-help trend. It's actually one of the simplest ways to shift your mind without needing to overhaul your entire life. When we pause and think about what we're grateful for, even the small stuff, like a good cup of coffee or a friend who texts back really quickly, it helps our brain focus on the things that are working in our life instead of what's missing or what's broken. It doesn't mean that we ignore the hard stuff, it just gives us some balance, like, yeah, today was stressful, but I also parallel parked perfectly on the first try and I felt like a superhero doing it. So that's gratefulness. It's not going to fix all your problems, but it might make them feel a little lighter. Today I'm thankful for my new computer chair. It's like sitting on a cloud. My other chair had no back support. It would make my legs hurt after the end of one episode. It was not comfortable for me to sit for a whole day. So I'm really glad that I made the investment finally to get a decent computer chair. I'm really excited about that. So today's episode we're going to be talking about a tool that you need to live your authentic life. It's geared towards people pleasers in the audience, the ones that say yes when they really just want to be saying no. This is a classic people pleaser move. You're about to say yes to something that you really don't want to do and something in your chest it tightens, or your stomach feels queasy, but then you smile and you say yes anyway. So if this sounds familiar, I know I've definitely done it. I've done this more times than I can count and I want to share an example with you.
Speaker 1:A couple of years ago, I planned this solo trip, kind of a spiritual retreat for myself. I was dreaming of massages, journaling, long walks and reading lots of self-help books, the whole figuring out my life kind of vibe. I was craving quiet and space and I finally decided that I was going to give that to myself. So I was going to book this trip, but then my partner said that he wanted to come too. Going to book this trip, but then my partner said that he wanted to come too, and before I could even process how I felt about it, I started doing this thing that I do. It's sort of this like mental gymnastics routine, trying to convince myself that this could still work. He promised to give me space and I nodded and said okay, but inside I was feeling guilty and conflicted and tense and instead of checking in with myself, I spiraled into how I can make this trip work with him in it, and I agonized over this for weeks. Meanwhile, he's getting really excited. He's starting to pack his bags, he's excited about going on this trip, and I'm getting further and further away from my original intention and goal.
Speaker 1:Eventually, I came up with this like genius solution, so I wrote down two outcomes on a slip of paper one that said that I was going to go alone and the other that said that we were going to go together. And I put them in this bowl and I told myself, whatever I pull out would be the answer, like it was fate. But let's be honest, this was just a really fancy way of me to avoid making a decision. I was putting my power in someone else's hands, or faith's hands. So instead of really kind of deciding what I wanted, I was just going to leave it up to chance. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I didn't want to face the discomfort of owning what I really need. I was ready to give away my power and I am able to make my own decisions, but I was willing to give that up and leave it up to fate. But here's the part that really stuck with me.
Speaker 1:Right before I reached into the bowl, I realized I was hoping to pull the go alone slip. I was chanting please, please, please, please, please, please, pull out the go alone slip. Then I sat back in my chair and I asked myself why I'm even considering only having a 50% chance of going alone, when I could just say I'm going alone. My body had already spoken. I knew what I wanted deep down. I just needed to listen and to follow through. So I made my decision to go alone and for the fun, I ended up picking a piece of paper and it said go together. So I tossed in the garbage and I went to tell my partner my feelings, that they had changed and that I really wanted to take this trip alone.
Speaker 1:That's the power of the three second pause. In that quiet moment we can ask ourselves what do I really want? It just takes three seconds to check in. Is my gut feeling good? Am I feeling excited about this? Am I feeling sick? Is there a tightness in my chest? What's happening in my body? What do I want? Not what's the easiest or the nicest or the most people pleasing for someone else. Just what do I want right now? My partner was disappointed, but he totally understood and I went on that trip and I had the exact experience that I needed. I had space, clarity, silence and no guilt about listening to another Brene Brown audiobook while I was eating chips alone in a rope. So that's the moment that I learned that sometimes the truth is already there. We just need a pause to catch up to it. And that pause it can change everything.
Speaker 1:Right after I decided to take that trip on my own. I started thinking about all of the times that I hadn't listened to myself, times that I ignored what my body or my gut was telling me because I was too busy trying to be good. I just wanted to be helpful and agreeable to everyone's. You know, like being a team player, and the thing is we don't come out of the womb knowing how to override our needs and our feelings. That's something that we're taught. You were probably taught that putting others first is just what people do, and that you should be a good person and that you should be selfless. You should be saying yes and being generous with your time, not rocking the boat.
Speaker 1:We grow up getting praised for being really easygoing or polite and flexible, and we learn that being wanted or needed or liked comes from how helpful we are, how much we can do for others. And when we do speak up, when we set a boundary or we say no, it's often met with a lot of pushback. Why are you being so difficult? Or don't be so selfish, or even just a sigh, or you get a disappointed look. It doesn't take much to teach us that prioritizing ourselves is going to come with consequences Over time that messaging sinks in really deep.
Speaker 1:It's not just social, it's emotional. We start to believe that saying no means that we're letting people down. Emotional we start to believe that saying no means that we're letting people down, that rest is laziness and that if we don't step up, no one else is going to do it. And what begins as trying to be kind or thoughtful, it slowly becomes chronic self-abandonment. And I've done this so many times when I worked extra shifts at the clinic, even though I was really run down and really sick, because I didn't want to let the team down. So I pushed through because I didn't want to be seen as unreliable or not pulling my weight. Or when I helped a friend move, despite already having a sore back, I told myself you know, it's just a few hours. But I knew my body was saying no. I just didn't feel like I had permission to listen to it. Then there was the bake sale. I had no time, no energy and definitely no desire to bake cookies. I hate baking, but there I was, late at night, covered in flour, forcing myself to be the good mom who brings something homemade, even though a box of store-bought cookies would have done the job just fine, and I know I'm not alone in this.
Speaker 1:I've talked to so many women, patients, friends and podcast listeners who say that they feel like they just can't stop. Like resting makes them feel guilty or something Like saying no makes them feel mean. And I get it. I still catch myself in those patterns sometimes. But here's the thing the more we ignore our own discomfort to keep other people happy, the more disconnected that we become from our own truth. I've said this a couple of times on my podcast you don't need to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. So we start second guessing ourselves, we lose touch with what we actually want or need and that little internal voice, the one that says this just doesn't feel right. It gets quieter and quieter until one day you can't even hear it anymore.
Speaker 1:So if you've ever felt guilty for needing space or tired of being everything to everyone or afraid of disappointing someone, you're not broken. You were just taught to prioritize everyone else. First you were trained to override your own gut and now you're going to start to notice and that awareness. That's the first step in getting your power back. You're not selfish for listening to your body. You're not rude for honoring your limits. You're not selfish for listening to your body. You're not rude for honoring your limits. You're not dramatic for having feelings about things that matter to you. You're human and you're allowed to want more peace and more clarity and more you in your own life. And the thing is, when you've spent a lifetime putting other people's comfort above your own, you don't always realize that you're doing it, but your body does. Your body always knows. You just need to start paying attention to it again.
Speaker 1:For me, that feeling usually starts in my stomach. It's this heavy, uneasy feeling, almost like something's twisting just beneath the surface. Heavy, uneasy feeling, almost like something's twisting just beneath the surface Got little butterflies in there. It's really subtle at first, but it grows the longer that I try to ignore it. So on the outside I might be smiling and nodding and trying to seem agreeable, but on the inside my gut is screaming that something is not right here and that I don't want to do this. I might catch myself clenching my jaw. Sometimes I even stop breathing for a second, just holding it all in. While I'm trying to process the panic, it's like my body is quietly trying to tap me on the shoulder and say this doesn't feel good, but I have spent years pushing past that signal in order to keep the peace.
Speaker 1:So, emotionally, all these feelings, they just build up and the exhaustion is like nothing that a nap can fix, the burnout that makes even small things feel really overwhelming. It's this quiet resentment that bubbles up when I'm doing something that I never wanted to say yes to in the first place, this nagging sense that I'm living slightly out of alignment with myself, like I'm in the room but not in the moment. Sometimes these feelings they show up as irritability, or I get really snappy with people that I care about, and other times I just start feeling really numb, like I've gone on autopilot and disconnected from how I feel altogether. So that's the cost of constantly overriding your gut. You end up stuck in this cycle where you're doing all the right things, you're being supportive, reliable, helpful and still feeling drained and unfulfilled, and then the guilt creeps in for even feeling that way. It's tiring, but here's what I want you to know you don't have to live like that. Your body is not betraying you. It's trying to bring you back to yourself. That tight feeling in your chest, that pit in your, that sigh that you keep swallowing, those are just, they're invitations, they're gentle nudges.
Speaker 1:Saying something about this isn't working for me, and when we can slow down long enough, like three seconds, to really notice them, to really listen, we open the door to something better, something more honest and more aligned with who we are, and it makes our lives more sustainable. So if you're feeling off, if you're tired of being tired, if your body is waving these little red flags, you're not broken, you're just. You're waking up and that awareness, that's where everything is going to begin to shift. So after you start noticing those gut feelings, that tension, that unease in your body, the question becomes what are you going to do with that? And that's where this cool little tool comes in the three second authenticity pause, and it's changed everything for me. So it's simple you just take a second and you pay attention to your body and that's where this cool little tool comes in. I call it the three second authenticity pause and, honestly, it's changed everything for me. It's so simple that you're going to think how can this actually help me? But that's the beauty of it. It's not overhauling your whole life, it's about creating just enough space between the urge to please and the truth of what you actually want. So here's how it works.
Speaker 1:Let's say you're faced with a decision. Maybe somebody asks you to take an extra shift at work, or your friend texts you at the last minute asking for a favor, or maybe your partner wants to make weekend plans and you were hoping for a quiet day in your pajamas and your automatic response because you've been conditioned this way is to say yeah, sure, of course, no problem, I can make that work. But instead of replying right away, you just pause just for three seconds, take a breath. You can place your hand on your belly, if that helps you, kind of drop into yourself and ask yourself how am I feeling right now? What is my body telling me? Am I excited? If I am, then great, this is definitely a no brainer. I'm going to do it.
Speaker 1:But if there's some trepidation there, if you're not sure that this is what you want to do, you need to start asking yourself some questions how am I feeling right now? That question alone can be really powerful. It's not. What do they need? Or are they going to be disappointed? But me, like, how am I doing right now? Am I about to say yes, because I'm feeling guilty, or there's some fear, or is it a habit and what do I want in this moment? What is this something that I actually want to be doing? Do I have the energy to do it? You don't have to decide right away. You're just checking in with your gut, and that's the whole point. It's just to slow things down long enough to hear yourself before you answer and look. In real life, this can be as simple as not replying to a text right away. Maybe you can let the phone ring and go to voicemail or saying something like thanks for the invite, let me think about it and I'm going to get back to you.
Speaker 1:That line has saved me so many times because it buys me that time to pause and think about what it is that I want to be doing, instead of defaulting to yes out of guilt or pressure. The pause can even happen in these tiny ordinary moments, like when you're about to agree to take on another work project even though you're already maxed out, or when someone at a family gathering asks if you can help coordinate one more thing and you feel that internal, but your mouth is already halfway to saying yes and you're smiling. So just pause, even if it's awkward, even if it's like one beat longer than what feels socially comfortable. That little space is where your truth lies. For me, using the pause has meant saying things like you know what? I'd love to help, but I just can't right now. Or that sounds like a lot of fun, but I really need some downtime this weekend.
Speaker 1:You don't need to give anyone a long explanation for why you can't do weekend. You don't need to give anyone a long explanation for why you can't do something. You don't need to list all of the things that are keeping you so busy or make up extra reasons to justify your no. It doesn't need to come with this long dissertation. People might ask for more details. That's fine, but you can keep it as simple and just say the timing isn't right or I'm not available, and that's enough.
Speaker 1:I once had a family member who kept prodding me for more and more. I ended up saying that I had this work function to get to, which was kind of true, but I was trying to be really vague when they wanted to know what time it started, what time it ended and if, maybe, if I could just come before or after. It's that type of situation that they're not looking to understand your schedule. They're looking to bend it. Bend it to their own benefit. And that's when you know that it's not about your explanation. It's about their inability to respect a no. These are the people who will keep pushing until they get what they want, and I say this with love. They are not your responsibility.
Speaker 1:Be mindful of the people who don't take no for an answer. You don't owe anyone the full reasoning behind your choices. Maybe they're just curious, but if you're in a pattern where your boundaries are consistently questioned or picked apart, it's okay to protect yourself. You're allowed to hold the line without defending it, and sometimes people are disappointed when you say no, but that discomfort is going to pass and the peace that I feel afterwards that stays for a long time. And no, it doesn't mean that you never do anything for anyone anymore. This isn't about becoming selfish or unavailable or cold. It's about making sure that when you say yes, it's real and it's from this grounded place, not a place of obligation or fear or performance.
Speaker 1:The three second pause gives you this moment to tune in and to check whether your yes is coming from alignment or from anxiety. And you'd be surprised how often your body already knows the answer. It's just waiting for you to listen. So we've taken the pause, we've listened to our bodies and we've decided what we actually want. Now comes this tough moment where your stomach does this little somersault, because we have to put our feelings into words. And, let's be honest, this is the part that can feel scarier than bungee jumping without a helmet. We're wired to worry about letting people down. We imagine their disappointment, we picture the awkward silence.
Speaker 1:So here's a reframe that really helped me. When I say no, I have to remind myself that I'm not rejecting the other person. I'm just honoring myself, and I'm honoring the version of myself that still wants to show up tomorrow with energy and kindness, because if I keep saying yes to everything, I'm going to show up as the cranky, half-present zombie that nobody asked for. I remind myself that honesty is a gift to both of us. They get the real me, not the resentful me. So how do we actually speak the words? Let's try and keep it really simple.
Speaker 1:So here's the first script. Thanks for thinking of me, let me think about it and I'm going to get back to you. This line is magic. It buys you space, it's polite and it signals that you take the request seriously. Most people respect that and if they don't, that's information that you learned about that person. It's not a disaster, but just keep it filed at the back of your mind.
Speaker 1:The second script is I'm going to pass this time, but thank you for asking. Notice, there's no apology tour, no novella about your to-do list. It's clean, it's kind and it's final list. It's clean, it's kind and it's final. And as a quick side note, if you feel compelled to add 37 qualifiers, I'm so sorry. I know you're in a bind. I feel terrible. Just pause again. One sincere thank you for thinking of me is plenty. Anything more starts sliding into the land of guilt confetti and you'll be sweeping that stuff up for days.
Speaker 1:Sometimes people are going to push back. They might say but you're the only one who can do it, or it'll just take a second. In those moments I repeat the boundary like some gentle broken record. I hear you, but I'm still going to pass. No new reason, no extra details. Think of it as hitting the replay button on your favorite song. It's the same words, steady rhythm and a calm tone. And if your inner critic starts yelling, you're being selfish. Just remember this. Self-care isn't selfish, it's strategic. When you protect your energy, you increase the quality of every yes that you decide to give to your patients, your kids, your partner, your friends. They get a fuller, brighter version of you.
Speaker 1:I also like to practice tiny no's in really low-stakes situations. So declining a store loyalty card or saying no to an upsell on fries, letting a buzzing phone roll to voicemail. Each tiny rep every time you say no, it just strengthens that muscle. So when the higher stakes requests do start coming in, my courage isn't starting from zero. It's already warmed up and ready to go. So this week I invite you to experiment.
Speaker 1:So pick one request, no matter how small, and try using the three second pause before you respond. Take a breath, tune in and notice what your body's telling you and ask yourself am I saying yes out of guilt? What do I actually want in this moment? Then choose your response from that place it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be true and notice how your body feels afterwards. Maybe it's feeling a little lighter, maybe it's a little shaken, but often you're going to feel relieved because every honest no is also an honest yes yes to your well-being, to your boundaries and to your energy. And with each pause you're going to start hearing that quiet voice inside you more clearly, the one that's been there all along, waiting for you to listen. If you've been skipping the pause, it's okay, we all have. But let this be a reminder your truth deserves a moment, just a moment, long enough to breathe, to listen and to choose something that feels more like you. So, as we wrap up today, I just want to leave you with this Try the pause this week, just once.
Speaker 1:That's it, one moment where you don't answer right away. One deep breath before you respond, one honest check-in with yourself before you automatically say yes, you don't have to get it perfect. This isn't about perfection, it's about practice. The pause is just this tiny space that you give yourself to hear your own voice before the noise of everything else rushes in. Because the truth is, the pause isn't just about saying no. It's about coming back to yourself. It's about remembering that what you want, how you feel and what your body is telling you matters. You matter, you deserve a life that fits you, and it starts. One pause at a time.
Speaker 1:Thank you for hanging out with me today. If you liked the episode, I'd love it if you would share it with someone you love who needs to hear it Heck. Share it with the whole world. I'd love to help more people out there. I'd also really appreciate it if you'd be so kind as to follow me and leave a comment. It really helps others find my show. I'm most active on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor and threads and Instagram at drangeladowney. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be moving to recording every two weeks. I'm working on a few projects that I can't announce just yet, but I'm really excited to share it with you soon. I'm going to talk to you again in two weeks for another episode of the Codependent Doctor, when I'm going to be talking about breakups. Take care, for now You've got this. Thanks for spending time with me today. I hope something in this episode resonated with you. If it did hit, follow, subscribe or share it with someone who needs to hear it today. The Codependent doctor is not medical advice and doesn't replace speaking to your health care provider. If you're in a crisis, please go to the nearest ER or call 911 or reach out to your local mental health helpline. I'll be back here next week with more support stories and strategies because we're healing together.