Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
53: Breakups & Codependency: Why It's So Hard To Walk Away
Breakups hurt! In this episode, Dr. Downey unpacks why heartbreak can feel like withdrawal, especially for those with codependent tendencies. When your identity is wrapped up in caring for someone else, losing the relationship often means losing your sense of self. From the brain chemistry behind those late-night texts to the quiet signs it’s time to leave a draining relationship, this episode is a deep dive into the real pain of letting go—and how to begin healing for real. You’ll learn why grief is necessary, why rushed advice doesn’t help, and how to reconnect with yourself after love ends. If you’re wondering how to move forward after a breakup, this one’s for you.
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Hello, my friends, and welcome back. Today we're talking about breakups the painful kind, the confusing kind, the why do I still miss them, when I know it wasn't good for me? Kind Breakups are something that almost all of us go through, but we don't always talk about how deeply they shake us mentally, emotionally, even physically. Especially if you struggle with codependency, the end of a relationship can feel like the end of you. So in today's episode we're going to explore why breakups hurt so much, how to know when it's actually time to leave a relationship, some common red flags, what people say after a breakup that isn't especially helpful and, most importantly, what actually does help when you're trying to heal from a breakup. So get yourself a cup of coffee, have a seat and take a deep breath. You are not alone in this. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a podcast where we unpack the messy, beautiful journey of healing from codependency. If you're burned out from people-pleasing, stuck in unhealthy patterns or just tired of putting yourself last, you're in the right place. I'm Dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, and I'm here to help you reconnect to your authentic self. One honest conversation at a time. Here we go. Welcome to the 53rd episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent who knows firsthand that no amount of medical training prepares you for the diagnosis of. He's just not that into you.
Speaker 1:Before I start the episode, I want to take a minute to focus on what we're all grateful for. You've probably heard it a hundred times Just be grateful. And if you're anything like me, you've probably rolled your eyes at least once. But here's the thing Gratitude isn't just some cheesy self-help trend. It's actually one of the simplest ways that you can shift your mindset without needing to overhaul your entire life. When we pause and think about what we're grateful for, even the little things like a good cup of coffee or a friend who texts you back really quickly, it helps our brain focus on what's working instead of what's missing or what's broken. It doesn't mean that you ignore the hard stuff. It just gives us some balance. So no, it's not going to fix all your problems, but it might make them feel a little lighter.
Speaker 1:Today I'm grateful for my dog groomer. I've got two little cockapoos and there's something so fantastic about picking them up from the groomer once they've had their pot of cure and they smell so good. They're excited to come home. I'm excited to receive them and all is right in the house again. I also want to give a shout out to Skye, who I had the pleasure of meeting a few weeks ago. She's also practicing gratefulness and she writes I'm grateful for my safe and stable home, provided by my steadfast and caring roommate. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have met you. I'm super grateful for your podcast, your book and your journal. Thank you, skye. I appreciate the comment and the thank you and I appreciate you being a loyal listener. It's always nice to hear from people and sometimes I can be a little lonely in the podcast booth here with my microphone being all by myself, so it's great to hear from the audience every once in a while.
Speaker 1:In today's episode I'm going to be talking about breakups, so I want to start by stating the obvious. Breakups suck, but they don't just suck in this generic eat ice cream and cry on the couch kind of way. They suck in this very specific, deeply personal and identity shaking kind of way, because when a relationship ends, you're not just losing that person, You're losing a routine, you're losing the rhythm of the days that you had and you're losing these tiny little rituals that you enjoyed, even if you didn't realize that they were anchoring you. The things like good morning texts, letting you know that someone's thinking of you and that they care about you, the way you'd send them the most random little updates, like what you ate for lunch or how was your day at work going. And this person, they really knew you, they knew your backstory. They know all the important figures in your life, like Karen, who leaves her leftover lunch in the fridge for weeks, or John, who's always talking about his new car. This is the person who says not again, not, karen, without you needing to get into all the history and those details. They know your life and it's easy to bring them into conversations, and then one day, that just stops. The communication stops and so does your sense of belonging, and that loss can be really disorienting and it can really destabilize you. It's also why we do weird things in the aftermath, like trying to hold on to the connection by rereading old text messages, or maybe you're listening to songs on repeat on Spotify until they get so worried that they start checking in on your well-being.
Speaker 1:We're wired biologically to bond to others, so it's not just cute, it's part of our primal instinct to bond to others, and every time that you had a vulnerable conversation with that person, your brain it lit up. So every cuddle, every inside joke, every time they reached for your hand, your brain got this little hit of oxytocin. So this is the bonding hormone. It's the same hormone that bonds babies to their caregivers at such a young age. And dopamine's another hormone that gets triggered when you're with someone, especially in those early honeymoon phases where everything felt shiny and exciting and full of potential. Dopamine makes you feel really good. So when that bond is suddenly cut off, your brain starts freaking out.
Speaker 1:You're not just sad. You're in withdrawal from all of those feel-good hormones, just like you would be if you were suddenly cut off of sugar or caffeine or some other chemical that you commonly rely on. Except, this withdrawal is more complicated because it's mixed in with memories and heartbreak and a future that you had imagined. And don't even get me started on the what-ifs. So what if I had just been more patient? What if we were supposed to end up being together but the timing was wrong? What if I never feel that way again? Those questions are going to start looping in your mind.
Speaker 1:Your nervous system goes into survival mode. It doesn't care if the relationship was good for you or not, it just wants the discomfort that you're feeling to stop. So it pulls you towards anything that might bring you the relief of connection, even if it was toxic and even if it's over. This is why people text their ex at 1am. It's not because they're weak, it's because their body is craving a hit of something familiar, something comforting, even if it's not healthy. And when I say we can't think straight, I really mean it. Your frontal lobe, the rational, decision-making part of your brain, is completely hijacked by emotional pain, cortisol and fear. So if you've ever done something post-breakup that made no logical sense, there's a special club for that, and I'm in it as well.
Speaker 1:Recovery takes time Time for your brain to settle, time for your body to come down, time for your heart to recalibrate to a life without your ex in the center of it. The discomfort is a sign that you're detoxing from something that once felt safe, and that's a very tender and very human process. So you need to be gentle with yourself. You're not crazy. You're not crazy, you're not weak. You're just rewiring yourself, and your capacity to love again, your ability to feel joy again, it's still in there, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
Speaker 1:I want to talk a little bit about what happens when you're in a relationship but you're not sure if you should be or not, because sometimes the hardest part isn't grieving the end of the relationship, it's making that decision whether or not it's time to end it. This is such a lonely place to be when your friends are giving their opinions, when your gut is whispering something that you don't want to hear, when the pros and cons list isn't helping you anymore. It's so much easier when there's a clear and dramatic reason to go right, like maybe they cheated on you or they ghosted you. They scream at you in a restaurant and then boom, decisions made. But most of the time it's a quieter process than that. It's much slower. Sometimes the reason to leave isn't this big betrayal. It's the accumulation of tiny heartbreaks that slowly wear you down. This is death by a thousand cuts.
Speaker 1:You feel more anxious than peaceful in the relationship. You're constantly editing yourself. You're shrinking, over-explaining, you might justify your needs so they don't feel like a burden. You find yourself Googling things like how to know if your relationship is toxic or my husband's a really nice guy, so why don't I love him anymore? And then you immediately feel guilty because you love this person right, or at least you loved the potential of them. But let me tell you something that I've had to learn the really hard way Love is not enough. You can love someone with your whole heart and still know that it's not working. You can love someone deeply and still be hurting all the time. You can want it to work so badly and still feel completely alone in the effort.
Speaker 1:One of the clearest signs that something's off is that you're exhausted, not just tired, but so tired, not from work or life or your own healing journey, but from the relationship itself. It's like emotional jet lag. You wake up tense, you go to bed second guessing everything. You're trying so hard to keep things good that you've forgotten what peace even feels like, and I know that when you're in it it's really hard to tell. You keep hoping that the good times will outweigh the hard ones. You keep thinking that maybe you just need to be more patient or more supportive. But love shouldn't feel like this job interview, that you're constantly failing, and maybe you're lying awake at night trying to decide if you should just break up now. And then you think to yourself well, I can't leave now. Their birthday is next month or their dad just had surgery, and then it's Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1:Next thing you know you've been dating this person that you're not sure about for six months, just because you feel guilty. That's tough and it's really unfair for both of you. I've known people who've stayed together just because you feel guilty. That's tough and it's really unfair for both of you. I've known people who've stayed together just because they felt bad canceling a trip or they were supposed to have that person as their date at a wedding. That's how powerful emotional responsibility can feel when you're codependent.
Speaker 1:So if you're listening to this and you're unsure, if you're asking yourself is it really that bad or am I just being dramatic? I want you to pause and ask this instead who do I become in this relationship? Do I like that version of myself? Do I feel safe? Do I feel seen and supported, or do I feel like I'm constantly managing someone else's reactions at the expense of my own peace? You don't need a big explosion to leave. You don't need proof of betrayal. Sometimes your own inner exhaustion is the only evidence that you need. And if that's the case, trusting yourself enough to leave is the healing. So, whatever decision that you make, you deserve to feel safe in love, not just chosen, but to feel cherished, not just tolerated, but trusted in your full self.
Speaker 1:That kind of love it does exist, but sometimes you have to leave what's familiar to make space for it, and I know that can be really scary. But you don't have to do it all at once. You just have to start by telling yourself the truth. So I want to talk a little bit about red flags, because in hindsight we often look back and think why didn't I see it? And we can all miss red flags, it's easy. And just because you missed a red flag it doesn't mean that you're stupid or naive or you're really bad at relationships. It just means that you're hoping for the best and you're filling in the blanks and trusting that love means that things are going to get better. Some red flags are really easy to spot once you're out of it, but some can be really sneaky. They fly just low enough under the radar that you start doubting your instincts instead of questioning their behavior, like when someone doesn't respect.
Speaker 1:When you say no, not in a big dramatic way, but in those little kind of repeated dismissals. You say I don't feel comfortable with that, and they push anyway. Or say come on, it's not that bad. You say I need some space, and they respond by texting you 17 times in a row. Or they make you feel guilty for having boundaries in the first place, like you're the problem for not being chill enough. That's not love, that's control. Wearing a really nice smile, or maybe they apologize for something, but there's no follow through. They don't change their behavior afterwards. They mess up. You bring it up. They say all the right things, maybe they might cry a little bit, and for the next 48 hours they're super great. And you're thinking to yourself, okay, like maybe they really get it this time.
Speaker 1:But then the same thing happens again and again and again, and at some point you're just stuck in this emotional groundhog day with slightly different wording every time, and sometimes they give you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you interested and engaged with them. They might send you I miss you texts at midnight, but then they flake out on you when the weekend comes around. Maybe they flirt and then they disappear altogether, then show up when you start to pull away. It's emotional whack-a-mole and sometimes you're constantly needing to explain your worth. You're earning their love by doing things for them, trying to be easier to love. Maybe you tone down your feelings a little. Second guess your needs, convince yourself that you don't really need all that much. You're in this subtle but really exhausting performance, hoping that they're finally going to see how low maintenance and understanding you are and then magically decide that you're worth their attention. It's heartbreaking to watch, but real love doesn't require you to shrink to fit.
Speaker 1:I once had someone tell me that they were hesitant to break up with their partner even though the relationship was clearly draining them because their partner had just started getting into therapy. Like he was some houseplant that you couldn't throw out because it finally had one new leaf and okay. So that's a really bad example, because I would never throw out a houseplant, especially if it showed promise of a new leaf. But hopefully you get what I'm trying to say. When we see potential, we tend to cling, but just because someone starts thinking about changing doesn't mean that they will, and change is not going to happen in 48 hours. It can take a few years for that person to grow and love themselves enough to be the partner that you want or need them to be.
Speaker 1:If you're not in a healthy relationship and it's a relationship that's not good for you. Years is a really long time to wait, and when you're codependent, you've been trained, either as a child or in past relationships, to second guess yourself, to believe that you're the one who needs to adjust or try harder or not take things too personally and slowly you start to normalize those red flags. You build your life around them like furniture, around this crack in the wall. Love isn't supposed to feel like a puzzle. You shouldn't have to decode it. You shouldn't have to prove that you're worthy of basic respect and safety and consistency. You don't have to settle for someone who only shows up when it's convenient for them. You deserve someone who shows up because they want to, consistently and openly and with care. And if that's not what you're getting, that's not a relationship, it's a performance. It's like being in a really bad movie and guess what? You get to walk away even though you don't know the ending. Life is too short to sit through a really bad movie.
Speaker 1:When you're codependent, breakups can be really bad, because when you're codependent, the relationship doesn't just become important, it becomes everything. Your identity starts to revolve around the other person, what they need, how they feel, what kind of day they're having. Your emotional thermostat is set by their mood. You start scanning constantly Are they okay? Are they upset? Did I do something wrong? Is it my job to fix it? What should I do? What do they need? You're not just loving them, you're managing them, and maybe you don't even notice at first because it feels kind of noble right. You're being super thoughtful, you're supportive and low maintenance. You're being flexible. You're trying to be the best partner that they've ever had. But slowly your own needs are going to get quieter, your own feelings start to feel like an inconvenience and by the time that things fall apart you realize you don't even know where you end and where that person begins.
Speaker 1:Who are you? What do you want? What do you like? A few years ago I couldn't have answered those questions. They're simple questions. I knew who I was to other people, I knew what I meant to them and I knew what I could do for them. But who was I like at my core?
Speaker 1:So when the relationship ends, it's just, it's not just them that you're losing, it's yourself. It's the version of you that existed inside that relationship, the role that you played, the way you felt you were useful or needed or attached, and that kind of loss can feel really difficult and really disorienting. You start questioning everything. Was I too much? Was I too needy, too emotional? Maybe I wasn't enough, not patient enough, not easygoing enough? You look back and try to pinpoint the exact moment that things changed, as if figuring it out could somehow take the pain away. You might even find yourself fantasizing about getting back together again, not because you truly think that things would be different, but because you just want that pain to stop. You want relief and familiarity, that little hit of safety that your body still associates with that person, even if in your mind you know better.
Speaker 1:I remember someone once telling me that they were tempted to get back with their ex, not because they missed the relationship, but because they missed having someone that they could text, that they had made at home, safely after work. And I get it. It wasn't about romance, it was about belonging, that feeling of being known by someone, and for anyone who's codependent, that belonging can feel almost like oxygen you need it to breathe. We're grieving the version of ourselves that we only knew through that other person. We miss the purpose that we felt in taking care of them, we miss the purpose that we felt in taking care of them. I often see this when people's children go off to college and you don't need to take care of them anymore Maybe you're retired and your identity as someone important at work goes away. This happens in so many different situations, not just in relationships. So when that person is gone whether that be through like a breakup or a separation, that version of us that we once knew it disappears. But this is also an opportunity we get to reinvent ourselves.
Speaker 1:At this point, the grief that we're feeling can point us towards something that we forgot existed like ourselves, like ourselves, it's an invitation for us to come home, to figure out who we are, when we're not rescuing anyone. To learn how to be loved without earning it. To listen to our own needs before they become. These emergencies and this can take time and it's not always going to feel really good. But every time that you choose to sit with the discomfort instead of running back to what's familiar, you're building this muscle. And every time you choose to feel lonely instead of chasing temporary relief, you're reclaiming a small piece of yourself is the cure, but the real healing is learning that you're enough all on your own, that your worth isn't tied to how useful or accommodating or available you are to someone else. You don't have to be everything to someone else to be something to yourself. And if you're in that raw place right now, where everything is just so confusing and untethered, you're not lost. You're just shedding an old identity of yourself, and this is where you get to reinvent yourself.
Speaker 1:And while we're on the subject of heartbreak, I want to talk about what happens after the breakup, when you're still raw, probably questioning everything, and people start trying to help you. Sometimes the things that people say after a breakup, they just land the wrong way and their intentions are good, and let's just go over a couple of these examples of things that people say. I'm going to give my two cents as to why that support might not be having the effect that you want on the friend that you're giving advice to. Your friend might say maybe you're better off. Maybe, but right now I don't feel better off, I feel wrecked, I feel terrible. They might say they didn't deserve you, which, okay, is probably true, but right now I'm just sitting here wondering why I stayed so long with that person who didn't deserve me, and that's not making me feel any better either. Friends might say, just get back out there, as if healing is like falling off a bike and the answer is to hop on a dating app while you're still metaphorically bleeding.
Speaker 1:In the past, I know that I've told people that everything happens for a reason, which, again, is probably true. But when you're in the thick of it, that phrase feels like trying to put a tiny little bandaid on this gaping wound. You need time to process what's happened. And what people don't realize is that when you're heartbroken, you don't want advice, you want acknowledgement. You want someone who's going to sit next to you, either literally or emotionally, and say yeah, this really sucks and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry that you're hurting. That's it. Healing isn't going to start with a solution. It begins with feeling safe. It begins with having people be present with you, with not feeling like you have to perform strength while you're quietly falling apart inside. So if you're hearing you're better off isn't helping, then what is going to help. Here's what I've learned, both from personal heartbreak and from sitting with other people in their heartbreak about what actually helps when you're trying to heal.
Speaker 1:First, it's important to let yourself grieve. I know it sounds really obvious, but we are so quick to skip past this part. Because who wants to hurt? We are going to rush to be okay again. We slap on these affirmations, we start buying crystals and binge watching productivity TikToks like we're going to hack our way back out of this heartbreak. But grief doesn't work like that. It's really messy. It's this non-linear path, zigzagging two steps forward, one step back, and one day you're okay and the next you're crying because you walked past their favorite shampoo in the drugstore, or maybe somebody smelled like them, or maybe someone in the movie said I love you, just the way that they used to do it. Let yourself be in that moment. You get to cry and be angry. You can lie on the floor and listen to sad music if you need to. It's all going to help. This is all part of the grieving process.
Speaker 1:Step two you can go no contact if needed, and I mean it Like block, mute, unfollow, archive all your chats. You're allowed to protect your nervous system Because every time that you peek at their stories or reread an old message or check to see if they're online, you're reactivating that old attachment. You're yanking open this wound that your body is desperately trying to close like picking off at an old scab. You're not punishing them by blocking them. You're just trying to give yourself some peace and some space to heal. Next, get all of that unsaid stuff out, try journaling it. Talk to a friend or a therapist. Write a letter that you're never going to send.
Speaker 1:You get to say the things that you didn't get to say, or the things that you did say but you still need to let go of, because keeping it all in is just going to make you stuck stuck in the past. And then there's create a ritual that's just for you, something really simple like a morning walk or a playlist that reminds you of who you were before all this happened. You can light a candle, drink some tea, whatever it is. Let it be a reminder that you're still here, you're still a person. Without them, you still exist. And finally, when you're ready, you get to start reflecting not just on what you lost, but on what you've learned from that experience about yourself, your boundaries, your patterns, what you want and what you can't accept in the future. You get to choose differently next time. And once all of this is done, then you are ready to get back out there to meet someone new, but make sure that you've done all that healing first. So if you're still with me, first of all, thank you.
Speaker 1:Breakups are one of the most universal experiences and yet somehow they still manage to feel isolating and personal and almost impossible to explain while you're in it. And if that's where you are right now, if you're in that blurry space between heartbreak and healing, between knowing it's over and still hoping that they're going to text, I want to remind you that you're not weak for hurting. You're not dramatic for grieving. You're not broken for needing time. Breakups are just about letting go of another person. They're about untangling your identity from them and rebuilding trust with yourself and figuring out who you are, without the role and the relationship or the emotional responsibility that used to define you. And yeah, it's going to be really hard, but you're doing it one day at a time.
Speaker 1:Don't put any pressure on yourself to heal too quickly. With every boundary that you set, with every journal page that you fill, with every tear, every breath, every no contact day that you get through, you're not just surviving, you're healing. This is the work that you're going to do. You're coming home to yourself. It's a slow process, but it's really powerful. So take your time with it. Let this season of your life soften you, but don't let it shrink you. You deserve love that feels safe, love that doesn't make you disappear, and you deserve to love yourself first. I'm proud of you for being here and I hope deep down that you're proud of yourself too.
Speaker 1:Thank you for hanging out with me today. If you like the episode, I'd love it if you would share it with someone that you love who needs to hear it and heck, share it with the whole world. I'd love to help more people out there. I'd also really appreciate it if you would be so kind as to follow me and maybe leave a comment. I'm most active on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor and threads, and Instagram at drangeladowney.
Speaker 1:I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to meet you here again in two weeks for another episode of the codependent doctor. Take care for now You've got this. Thanks for spending time with me today. I hope something in this episode resonated with you. If it did, hit, follow, subscribe or share it with someone who needs to hear it today. The codependent doctor is not medical advice and doesn't replace speaking to your healthcare provider. If you're in a crisis, please go to the nearest ER or call 911 or reach out to your local mental health helpline. I'll be back here next week with more support stories and strategies, because we're healing together.