Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
56: Life Transitions: Healing, Growth, and the Power of Liminal Space with Elizabeth Mintun
In this episode, I sit down with psychotherapist and mindful life coach Elizabeth Mintun, host of The Calming Ground podcast. We talk about navigating life transitions — from leaving toxic relationships to moving through grief and midlife shifts — and how to embrace the discomfort of change as part of growth. Elizabeth also shares practical tools for holding space for yourself.
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🎵 Music: Touching The Air by Graceful Movement
Today's conversation with Elizabeth Minton is such a good one. We're diving into what it really feels like to be in that messy in-between stage of life when you've left something behind but you're not quite where you want to be yet. We're going to talk about why growth isn't linear, the brain science behind why change feels so uncomfortable, and how to actually hold space for yourself with more compassion during these transitions. Elizabeth also shares her own story and some simple, practical tools that you can start using right away. So grab a coffee, take a seat. You do not want to miss this one. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a podcast where we unpack the messy, beautiful journey of healing from codependency. If you're burned out from people pleasing, stuck in unhealthy patterns or just tired of putting yourself last, you're in the right place. I'm Dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, and I'm here to help you reconnect to your authentic self. One honest conversation at a time. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners and welcome to the 56th episode of the Codependent Doctor.
Speaker 1:Listeners, and welcome to the 56th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, dr Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, who's here to help us untangle our patterns, heal our hearts and reclaim our peace. For today's episode, we have a guest with us. Her name is Elizabeth Minton. She's a psychotherapist, mindful life coach, facilitator of an embodied mindfulness, self-care membership for women, and creator and host of the Calming Ground podcast. So hello, elizabeth, I'm so glad to have you join us today. How are you?
Speaker 2:I am so happy to be here. Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'm glad you're able to make it. I've been really looking forward to this conversation because the way that you talk about transitions and growth and that uncomfortable in-between space, it's so real and so needed to be talked about, and I know my listeners are going to get a lot out of all of your wisdom and your story, and I want to thank you so much for joining me today. One of my favorite traditions on the show is that we discuss what we're grateful for, because when we stop to think about what we're grateful for, it helps our brains focus on what's working instead of what's missing or broken. So I'd like to ask you is there anything that you're especially grateful for today?
Speaker 2:You know, the seasons are changing ever so slightly and we have been so hot and it's been yesterday and today have been cool and beautiful. It's like the beginning of the intro into the fall, and I love the fall, it's my favorite season. So I am just feeling some gratitude for the shifting of the seasons.
Speaker 1:Yeah, fall is by far my favorite season as well. I don't understand it when someone looks at me like I'm crazy for saying that, but yeah, I love the cool weather. There's fewer bugs and just hearing the crunching leaves under my feet is great. Whereabouts are you from?
Speaker 2:Columbus, ohio, to Midwest Okay.
Speaker 1:Midwest. Okay, and you do? You get snow out there. This might be a silly question.
Speaker 2:No, that's okay. Yeah, we do. We don't get the lake like up north in Ohio you get the lake effect. We don't have that.
Speaker 1:But we get plenty of snow, but you do have distinct seasons. Oh yeah, okay, amazing, yeah, for myself. I just got back from vacation and I'm grateful that I was able to get away and I brought my computer with me, and I've always done work while I was on vacation, but this time I just left my computer and my luggage and it was great. So I'm actually grateful for the first time to have been able to unplug completely from work, and that's unheard of for me, so really glad that I was able to do that. So that's kind of what I'm grateful for today. That's awesome. It's good to just let it all go. So, elizabeth, why don't we start by having you share a little bit about yourself and what led you to the work that you're doing as a psychotherapist, a mindful life coach and hosting the podcast, the Calming Ground?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I'm a psychotherapist yes, that was kind of how I started in my career. I'm a psychotherapist yes, that was kind of how I started in my career. Before that I had a winding journey. I actually come from a family of therapists. So when I was younger I said I wasn't going to do that. I was like, no, I'm going to do something else.
Speaker 2:And so I went and I got a master's in peace studies in England actually I'm in West Yorkshire and loved that but ended up coming back to the United States and doing some work in Washington DC with survivors of torture and human trafficking and there were therapists that worked for that organization and I watched and witnessed some of like what they because we worked in teams and what they were talking about and the work that they were doing and I thought I think that's actually I think that's more me than the work that I'm doing right now and just the kind of clinical piece, the real getting into the human to human contact kind of thing, rather than the macro. So I went back to school, got another master's degree and then started practicing psychotherapy and I was doing that for a long time just in a private practice and then ultimately recognized that there was something that was missing for me in my world and also with the clients that I was seeing, and so that had to do with, maybe, the in-between sessions, the sort of coming back to the moment, work and that piece. And so from there I did a lot of other training learned about forest bathing, learned about qigong, which is a form of moving meditation, learned about sitting meditation, and then when I felt I felt transformed by this, and that's when I created the Calming Ground, which is the mindful life coaching. The podcast came from that.
Speaker 2:The Calming Ground podcast all came from my recognition that there is this whole other part. Yes, it's self-discovery is so important, it's so important and self-awareness and the work, the deep work of therapy has its place and it's very, very useful. And that moment to moment coming back to our bodies, in this moment, our breath, what's around us, is so simple and life-changing. And so that's how I ended up doing the work I do today.
Speaker 1:Amazing. I went to a mindfulness retreat and forest bathing was part of it and my partner tried to convince me that this was done in the nude and I was like you're crazy, like no, we're not going to go marching through the forest in the nude. But a little part of me was a little bit nervous. But I loved it and no, it wasn't done in the nude. But it really helps to like center yourself and just gathering that energy from the trees, and is that your experience as well?
Speaker 2:It is transformative, yes, and I think that what's also so powerful about it is the paradigm of in forest bathing, and I can understand the bathing part is a little confusing, right, but the element of it where you are in relationship, so it's using a paradigm of relationship, we're in relationship with the trees, we're in relationship with the sky and that sense of, I think, moving through and allowing ourselves to ground, because there's a lot of meditative qualities to forest bathing.
Speaker 2:And then there's the biological, the NK fighter cells that are transmitted through the air from the trees, that are helped with immunity, all of those things too. But then I think that the longing that can come with forest bathing, that sense of no matter what, we're not alone, because the sky is always there and we can reach the sky or the ground, whatever is around us for resource. So it could be with the trees, but it also could be with a rock, with the grass, with whatever's around. It's so powerful. So, yes, I find it, I find it amazing. And then there's so many stories I could go into about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure, me too, I'm thinking of a couple, but we'll kind of maybe if we have time for it later. But yeah for sure, forest bathing is amazing. I love being amongst the trees, so I'm glad you brought that up. So your work really centers around guiding people through these big life transitions and leaving toxic relationships, navigating midlife, setting boundaries and moving through grief. Why do you think these moments of transition are such turning points in people's lives?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I think anytime there is a shift in identity and I'll give an example I did a few years ago I started running groups for specifically they were designed for women who were navigating separation and or like post-divorce with children, with an ex-narcissist right, so kind of navigating how do we be aligned with who we are in a way that we understand and recognize ourselves to be, but also we're in this kind of in-between situation, and so sometimes it's big life transitions. Like a separation, that kind of like brings up our sense of who am I, what does this mean about me? It could bring up shame In terms of grief.
Speaker 2:It's in and any kind of loss, any kind of perceived loss, even if that loss is ultimately in the case of like, sometimes, divorce, the loss can be freeing right. The loss can be something that we actually are feeling kind of, maybe some growth or progress with. And even in those cases, in any of these situations, whether it's something that we feel like, oh my goodness, I needed to leave and I did, or we feel like, oh my goodness, I'm in this life transition, I'm in midlife, I lost somebody I love, I, you know, whatever the case may be, there is still an element of grief, because who we were is now undeniably shifting right, our role and, in the case of that group, that I that I started with answering this question, you know it's how am I? How do I both forgive myself, you know, for being in this situation, because a lot of times there's shame, and then also I tend to who is it how, who is it that I want to be and how? And that's where the boundaries can really get powerful.
Speaker 2:But in the meantime, when we're moving through these shifts, it's uncomfortable, and so a lot of times what will happen is that's times where we're more vulnerable to maybe tricky habits, maybe it has to do with substances, or we tend to maybe look for comfort right away in areas that maybe aren't that well thought out or good for us Not always, but sometimes Because that discomfort is really hard to be with right. And so what I would say about those times of transition that makes them so tough is that because we're redefining who am I and how am I now that I have this different role, or I'm in this different phase of life, or whatever the case may be. We're also navigating the physical sometimes and emotional discomfort that comes along with that. I don't know if I answered your question.
Speaker 1:No, you did and you know. Even so, I went through a separation and once the separation happened, it was like this big weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like I'd been drowning for years and finally I could breathe. So something that was really positive for me. Finally I could breathe. So something that was really positive for me. But there was still a shift that I needed to adjust to right. Who am I now that I'm not a wife? Who am I now that I'm not raising children with a partner? So, even though it was such a positive shift for me, there was still a shift that needed to be managed and dealt with. So, even in positive circumstances, these are stages that people are going to go through.
Speaker 2:Right, and I think it's really important to honor that. And me too, I went through a separation and divorce and I thought I would never. I thought any. My belief was anything can be figured out. Right, I am going to figure this out. But I had to come to that really difficult and painful awareness that, no, like I can't figure this out by myself. You know, this is not something I can make, be you know, make work by myself. And so, yes, even though leaving ultimately was such an important and good decision, there is a lot to navigate around. Okay, and now what? And to also, do I hold the stigma of divorce inside of me, in my body, or am I going to allow that to? You know, am I going to release that? But there's a whole process that's really important to honor in that in-between right, in that space of moving from one way of being to another, and it's and it is uncomfortable, but that discomfort is actually a really important discomfort.
Speaker 1:Right, it's, it's necessary. So how do we start to reframe that discomfort as part of growing, instead of seeing it as a sign that that we're doing something wrong? Yes, Okay.
Speaker 2:So there's so many different ways I could answer this question, but this is where I think mindfulness can really be helpful. So I'm going to talk just really briefly because I'm going to kind of see if I can offer the framework. So when we are navigating something tricky, right, we might be getting signals like, oh, I'm feeling uncomfortable, oh, there's the person you know who's asking me, you know, I don't know like how is my ex? Let's just pretend just to go with a relationship breakup for a second. Yeah, so I'm going to get information either from the outside, like oh, you're not together, or ask questions, or maybe a concerned look, or my own internal, like contention or holding my breath or whatever the case may be. And a lot of times what can happen is we want to skip over that sensation as fast as possible, get away from it, right, like go do something else or have a drink or whatever the case may be, to kind of subdue the sensation. And what's tricky about that is that then we go into a habituated way of being usually, and so what's important here is to stay with that discomfort. So I'm going to give an example If I notice that I'm holding my breath, I see somebody where I'm in a situation I hold my breath.
Speaker 2:First it's the building awareness. And this is where that mindfulness comes in to check in with myself and notice, oh, I'm constricting my breath, right. And so when we notice that, then we have a choice. We can exhale slowly, we might check in, I wonder what's happening with me. Again, ideally non-judgmentally that's easier said than done right. But then maybe there's an exhale, slow exhale.
Speaker 2:If we can stay with that sensation enough, using maybe it's reminders it could be a mantra like it's okay, you're okay the way you are, or whatever the case may be, whatever resonates, and then really breathing through it, then we can get some new awareness. You know what I can tighten, and then I can calm and soothe myself and I'm going to be okay and get through this, and that is a felt experience. And then from that we make different choices that aren't habituated. And so that's where the mindfulness comes in. It's really about, in the moment, recognizing whatever signs that we're uncomfortable, whatever those signs are, and then attending to that, either with thought, like you got this girl, we're going to be okay, you know, or like some kind of practice, like exhaling slow or reorienting to like looking around and noticing okay, I'm safe. You know I might feel messy inside, but everything, there's no threat here. You know that kind of thing.
Speaker 1:If you keep just rushing past it and trying to pretend that it's not there, it's going to keep coming back, which is tough. So it's good to kind of sit with that discomfort, but eventually you become you're okay with it and you're able to just move past it. For a long time I felt like I was going to get judged for keeping my former spouse's last name, because it was the same last name as my children and I wanted to keep that. And now it's so people are like oh, are you related to so-and-so? I'm like, well, that's my ex's last name, but there's no shame with that anymore.
Speaker 1:But that took a while, because for a long time I almost thought I think I was judging myself for having made that decision. So there was some shame that came with having made that decision. But now it just doesn't bother me at all and I'm okay with my decision and I live with it and it's fine. But I think if I would have just rushed past it and tried to brush it away and you know, try to cope by doing something that wasn't good for me or whatnot Like it's not going to go away and you're just going to keep trying to skirt around it or sweeping it away. So it's just, it's not, it's not good for you to not to not deal with it and not be okay with your decision, and you do need to sit with that discomfort for a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yes, 100%, and it takes away the power of it too, like you mentioned, right. But when we try to get away from it, it actually increases the power it has over us, because now we're having to avoid it too, you know, and so once we can face it, then its power tends to go away. It doesn't have so much power over us. We could have freedom.
Speaker 2:I will say that sometimes, if we hold a lot of shame, it can be really hard to do that on our own. And that's where having a coach who is very, you know, capable of leading you the way through this or guiding from behind, asking the right questions, or a therapist, you know, if there's a lot of shame, and especially if it's tied to some trauma, then a therapist might be the better choice to really help work through whatever is still holding you in a place where you can't quite break free of this discomfort, or the discomfort feels like it's flooding, and so sometimes we can't do it alone. And that's not a sign of weakness, right, that's just a sign that there's a lot there that needs attending to.
Speaker 1:I've had a therapist through every single one of my big life changes. I've had therapists in between and I still have a therapist, even though I'm feeling great. I just think it's so important to be able to talk to somebody about what's happening and then having somebody else give you the words that you need to manage your situation and to manage your thoughts around it. Yes, absolutely yeah, and so many of us. We think that healing is this like really neat kind of linear line, but it's usually far from that right. It's two steps forward, one step back, a twirl and three steps to the side. So what are some of the ways that you help people trust the process when it feels really messy or feels like you're backsliding sometimes?
Speaker 2:Yes, so it's really common for people when they are experiencing some kind of what feels to them like a setback right or like a regression, what I do most of all is a lot of educating people about this and normalizing it. So, for example, like success, like progress, it is in a straight line and that is really important. It's important that it not be, because the way that we learn, the way that our brains learn and the way that our brains are actually structured, is that we so if we think about the way that we've known life to be, as a big worn trail, right, like it is worn, it's been traveled by so many people, right and if we think about it in terms of the trail in the forest, in our minds.
Speaker 2:It's because we have traveled down that path so many times, right. And so when we're creating a transformation, when we're moving through something new right and we're trying to maybe change, there's a lifestyle change or there's a new way that we're relating to ourselves, or a new habit we're trying to embrace, or even a loss. Grief works the same way. We are actually bushwhacking, so to speak, like we're creating a new trail. Right, we're creating a new path. Now, that path is not going to be as traveled, so you're going to. When you get lost which you inevitably will, because life is life and we're going to be stimulated by lots of different things, or there might be things that remind us or create sadness or anxiety then we're off and then we're like lost, so to speak, and we go and we, but the easiest trail to find is that well-worn one. So we're going to go back, right?
Speaker 2:But, every time we make, we realize, oh, I'm back, I'm back in this, I'm back, you know, in this place I'm feeling that shame or self-criticism. I'm I'm, whatever the case may be, right, like I'm in this well-worn way of being that I don't want to be anymore. We find our way back out. Every time we find our way back out to that new path. We're strengthening that learning. It gets strong. So it's important. It's not that I would say go, try to have a setback. You're going to naturally have setbacks. You don't have to try, but, like, every time, you do. If you could see it as okay, here's another opportunity for me to practice, okay, here's another opportunity for me to practice. And that is where that growth really happens. And what I'll say to people is, if you don't, if you have a linear path, it's like somehow it's real, like shoot to the sky, linear. The first time you have a setback, you're sliding all the way down.
Speaker 1:I'm like but if you're learning slowly through regression.
Speaker 2:You're not going to slide all the way back down, because you've practiced getting back up, You've practiced picking yourself up, finding your way again right. So it's really important. And so that's kind of how I educate people around like and I remind them and remind them because we need lots of reminders that that is your process and that is a process that I absolutely trust and encourage other people to as well.
Speaker 1:I like your analogy of a path. Right, You're bushwhacking your way through and sometimes you're going to go investigate this blueberry bush over here. You're going to go, you know, look, maybe there's something really good and you're learning more about yourself and the different things that you might like. So it's okay to kind of go off path a little bit and see new things and then go back and then keep moving forward. But yeah, so if you do fall back, you've learned all these other little things that are on the path that you might have enjoyed. So it's yeah, it's never meant to be linear.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I so appreciate you mentioning that too. Yeah, because I think it's important to recognize all that you've learned along the way and as you've kind of trailed off, you know, like it's yeah, and claiming that you have these new tools, yeah, yeah for sure.
Speaker 1:So when we were talking earlier, we were talking about brain science. So you've talked about how the nervous system can interpret transformation as a threat. So can you explain why change feels so scary on a neurological level and how neuroplasticity actually works in our favor during times of transition?
Speaker 2:Yes, so going back to that same kind of piggybacking off of that same idea around the trails right, the well-worn path, even if it's not the healthiest right in terms of where we want to be now, it is a path that our nervous system and think primitive nervous system right understands as a way that we've learned to survive. Okay, so we know how to survive in this way. Way that we've learned to survive, okay, so we know how to survive in this way when we're veering off, even if it's a good new lifestyle shift, a good something that is helpful for us to embrace, that's healthy, a boundary that we're saying we're learning to say no. We've always said yes and that no is really important, right?
Speaker 2:The nervous system and this is a lot depending each unique person has their own set of circumstances and the ways that they've coped right and managed. Our nervous system perceives that as a departure from the way we know how to survive, right, and so it kicks us into a lot of times fight, flight, freeze. There's a lot of sometimes fawning, you know. So if I say, if I'm practicing, saying no, when I've always, when I've learned to cope, is to say yes, is to fawn and please and right, then my nervous system is going to kick up like oh you know, we're in, we're in big trouble and our in our pride and our primitive brain doesn't discern somebody being displeased. We're tribal, we need to belong right as a species from. We're going to be kicked out of the tribe and therefore we're going to die.
Speaker 2:You know, it does not differentiate in important ways. And so when we notice that response, that is a really natural, healthy nervous system letting you know hey, we don't know how to survive this way, right, yeah. And so that's again where that mindfulness can come back into play, like looking around and asking yourself and I do this and it feels dumb every single time. But it's so important is, I will tell myself look around the room, elizabeth, and see, is there a train coming at you? You know like, is there something? And it sounds dumb.
Speaker 2:Of course I know there's not right, but my primitive brain needs to take in evidence that I'm not in a dangerous situation and once it does, it calms down. It calms me down as we continue to get back on the new trail. Bushwhack, get back on the new trail. That practicing we were talking about just a few minutes ago. Our nervous system is learning. Okay, we can survive this way, but it's not a radical shift, right? We have to learn that we can survive that way and that learning is really healthy and it's a robust nervous system, it's not a broken nervous system.
Speaker 1:You learn you can say no and you're not going to get dumped, or you can say no and you're not going to get fired. And you know learning to say no. In these low stake situations, like turning down a loyalty card or something, you learn that it's okay to say no and the world's not going to come crashing down. So, I guess, learning to say no in low stake situations, learning that everything is going to be okay, and then you can start moving up to things that are, you know, higher risk, like turning down a work project because you already have too many things going on. So, yeah, really important to practice saying no and to remind yourself that you're going to be okay. There is no leopard chasing you. I don't know what animals exist in the prehistoric age A woolly mammoth. Right, you're not going to get kicked out of the tribe, you're not going to die.
Speaker 2:But learning that you're going to be okay in these situations that used to scare you, yes, and honoring that on some level, I think we think of anxiety as bad, but honoring like this is my nervous system having a response and this is my way of learning to. This is my way of teaching my nervous system that we're going to be okay.
Speaker 1:We need a certain amount of anxiety. Anxiety is like a normal part of life. It's what keeps us alive, and so we need a certain amount of anxiety. But too much anxiety can can be really harmful, for sure.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you've worked with lots of people who are leaving toxic relationships and navigating tough challenges, like you mentioned, co-parenting with a narcissist. So what do you see as the biggest hurdles there, and what role do boundaries play in helping to keep people safe?
Speaker 2:over backwards and trying to keep things copacetic. You know there's usually some kind of message inside that's saying either their needs aren't valid, their needs are harmful like if they take care of themselves they're hurting somebody else or that somehow they need to sacrifice their own well-being on behalf of. And so one of the really important parts I think of working with and helping support somebody who's leaving a toxic relationship and I have left toxic relationships too, I certainly know this from being in it, know this from being in it is to first of all really gently remind them over and over again that their needs matter and are valid and that they're not responsible for someone else's reaction. Right Like that is a tough one.
Speaker 2:Usually we're in toxic relationships because on some level we've determined that the toxicity is either something that we can change, like if we're you know, or that if we just do things right or good enough that you know that that'll make it help them be okay, and so that's where that codependence can get really big. There's a blurriness around what I do and how someone else responds, how I respond and someone else responds. So I think the first big part is like you get to have your responses and your feelings and your needs, and even if someone else has a problem with it, that's their problem.
Speaker 1:That's something they need to deal with.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly, yeah, and so that's the biggest I think the biggest one. And then from there, forgiveness forgiveness to themselves for betraying themselves, because a lot of times they will feel shame that they are in that situation, that they didn't see it, that it took so long, and so a lot of that forgiveness around there's a reason that you're here or that you were there and we can attend and have compassion for you, right?
Speaker 1:And your choice. You're not a bad person for sticking around in a relationship that wasn't good for you.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Or for, you know, having bent over backwards just to survive and to be in this place and it's easy to beat yourself up for having stuck around for as long as you did. But having that space to be kind to yourself and to love yourself and forgive yourself for any of the decisions that you may have made in that time, yes absolutely, it's so important.
Speaker 1:So important. So we go through transitions in life all the time, whether it's marriages, jobs, getting new kids, and midlife and grief hold such profound transitions. So how do you see people start to integrate grief not just as an ending, but also as a part of your transformation? And what feels unique about midlife shifts compared to earlier ones?
Speaker 2:Yes. So I think actually, both with grief and loss and with midlife, there's a lot of. What I would say is that we don't culturally, at least in the United States, offer much space for these experiences to be honored, and so there can be a sense of, in grief and loss, a timetable, like I'm supposed to get on with it or I'm supposed to grief. This is what grief looks like, and grief can look very, very different depending on the person. And then also, in terms of midlife, there's a sense of I think you know there's. We're such as we celebrate youth in such like kind of incredible ways.
Speaker 2:The youth is beautiful, right?
Speaker 2:I don't think it's the only beautiful life phase, and I find I found elderly people gorgeous, you know.
Speaker 2:But I think that societally, we're taught that beauty fades and and we're taught to look for a very specific kind of beauty, and so, and so I think in both cases there can be a sense of devaluing no-transcript yes, exactly Right and a recognition of the finite, like this is not going to go on forever, you know.
Speaker 2:And so, and so I think what's what's really important in both of these cases, in in, in midlife, and in grief and loss in general, is this idea that how do we, how do we offer some, on some level, honoring, and like I would even say sacred honoring to these passages. And also that these passages aren't a signif, they don't signify that something is gone. If we've lost a person, yes, or a pet, yes, they're gone, right, in the sense of like they're not, we're not communicating with them in the same way and that sort of thing, but really honoring who they've been in our lives and how they live, how we can honor them still today, rather than get over it, and I think, the same with midlife how do I honor the life that it's brought me here, the choices I've made, right Even if there's regret, and how do I integrate that going forward?
Speaker 2:And so I think it also comes back to the discomfort of that. So it's not always roses and lollipops right. It's a lot of times the discomfort, the pain and the releasing of I wanted things to be a certain way. I wish things were different and really allowing ourselves to meet what is with compassion and honoring. It's hard, hard edges sometimes.
Speaker 1:I don't know if I answered your question. No, you did. No, it was great.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, midlife definitely brings a lot of changes and challenges and a lot of looking back on who you thought you were going to be and what you wanted for yourself, and then just sometimes maybe feeling like you weren't successful because you didn't achieve those things. So there is a big transition and there is some grief because you are letting go of who you were and who you thought you were going to be. And, yeah, I mean midlife crisis is a thing, right, it happens to a lot of us.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I think it is a crisis. But the beauty of a it can feel like a crisis, but the beauty of crisis and I tell this to my clients all the time is that when we have a crisis, things are kicked up and it's so messy and it's so uncomfortable and it's oh, who wants to be in a crisis? But things are. I talk about it as a room like imagine that all the furniture's bolted down to the floor. But now, in a crisis, it's not only the bolts are off, it's floating, like, oh, the couch is over there, you know. And so now there is that room to ask yourself where do I want to put this? You know it's been bolted. I never even thought about it because it was always there. Where do I actually want this?
Speaker 1:Where do I want to put it? Yes, where do I want this old couch? Do I still want?
Speaker 2:this old couch. Do I still want it? Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that analogy.
Speaker 2:Amazing.
Speaker 1:So I think of crises as also incredible, rich, fertile times of opportunity. No, I like that. I'm going to use that someday. So it's really important to hold space for ourselves and let other people hold space for us as we go through these transitions. So for anybody who's used to criticizing themselves all the time, or some codependent patterns that just aren't serving them anymore, what would be some of the first small steps towards having, like, real compassion for yourself?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I would say the very, very first step is noticing that if that's a struggle that you don't, because a lot of times what will happen is that people will have harsh thoughts, and it's not a harsh thought, it's just the way it is. They're just being honest with themselves, you know. And so I think the first big step is recognizing no, actually that is a critical thought. That's really harsh.
Speaker 2:Because when we can identify, when we're having those harsh responses to ourselves, we open up the possibility for another choice. And then, once we've opened the possibility for another choice, the question then would be what's a way I could attend to myself? And that's going to be different. So for some people it might be. I'm going to take a hand in my heart, feel my beating heart and remember that I have a big heart. For some people it might be breath, taking a deep breath. For some people it might be a shift of the belief and narrative. Right, instead of calling myself stupid, I'm going to say, okay, I'm learning, you know, like. So it depends on the person. But the biggest step, biggest step, is recognizing that you're doing it and it's not necessarily truth, and then and then from there, opening the possibility of another way. But the recognition is so important because if we just assume that it's the truth and that's the way it is, it is so hard to offer ourselves something else.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that comes from like having shame that we've carried with us for a really long time, thinking that we're a bad person or we're not worthy of you know, and it's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to do these things. I'm still a good person. So being able to understand and value yourself enough to be able to give yourself that space to forgive yourself and forgive any of the decisions you've made and just be able to be okay with who you are in this moment?
Speaker 2:Yes, and a lot of times people will think that if they do that, they're not going to be holding themselves accountable, when all of the research shows that actually compassion leads to greater accountability, because shame tends to be circular. Right, we're not good, so then we make decisions that reinforce that we're not good, and you know, and so and so once we can really practice the compassion, we're actually shifting ourselves and into more of an accountability to to show up in ways that are authentic and feel good to us. So it's, it's counterintuitive A lot of people I get this a lot that they think that if they're not hard with themselves, they won't shift. And it's yeah, it's just not.
Speaker 1:It's just not, it's a myth. Yeah, being hard on yourself is just going to keep you stuck in that bad place. So, for people who are in the thick of transition right now, what is one simple mindfulness practice that you could suggest that they could try to help ground themselves? Yeah, that they could try to help ground themselves.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so qigong is a form of moving meditation and it derives from ancient Chinese medicine. And according to qigong and ancient Chinese medicine, there is a point in the bottom of our feet, kind of like in the palm of your foot, just below sort of, where the I call it, like the foot pad is just below that. Okay, it's called the bubbling spring, okay, and this is a, and the idea is that this is a place where we can bring in energy and grounding, and so what I would invite people to do, if it resonates with them, is to put their feet on the ground and then imagine that roots are coming down from that area and that kind of just think in the middle of your foot, just to make it simple, right, and that from those roots that are extending down, down, down into the earth, you're bringing up the nutrients and the water from that into your bubbling spring. And so just sometimes just doing a little visualization, with the feeling that has the sensory part of feeling your feet on the ground, but then also the imagery of like grounding down, and you can imagine as you add breath to it, as you exhale, you ground, as you inhale, you receive. That's one way.
Speaker 2:If that's too much, then what I would say is just take a moment and check in with if you want to check in with, if you're visual, check in with what's around you. Just notice what's there. Come back to the moment. The moment is safe. If it's not safe, then that's something to pay attention to yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:But usually the moment's safe. Or check in with your hearing. Just one thing you hear, right, Just bringing the sensory back in can really help with overwhelm. So I'm adding more than one, but just I would say. Anything that helps bring you back into the moment can be grounding. Gratitude can be grounding. Anything that brings you back into what do I have right now? What is the safety that I can notice?
Speaker 1:sure, yeah, no, I I love that. I often step outside and I'll look for three things that I can see, what are three things that I can hear, what are three things that I feel on my body, whether it's my shirt touching my skin or whatnot, just kind of getting back into that, that moment, and just realizing I'm safe. Right now I I might be worrying about this one thing, but right now, in this moment, there is nothing wrong with me and I'm in a safe place and I can worry about whatever it is that's bothering me later.
Speaker 2:Yes, and another, just quick tip, in case it's helpful to anybody. So pinpointing those things is awesome, pinpointing those things is awesome. And then another tool is then, once you do that and you recognize your safety, unfocusing. And so, because we tend to laser focus when we're nervous or stressed, and so then, once we've identified, okay, here are three things I can all you know, I can see, I can hear then unfocusing and bringing in the whole panorama of your vision, or the peripheral periphery of your vision, can also help send signals to your brain that the coast is clear and we're okay. So that's just real easy stuff that you can do to navigate over mom.
Speaker 1:Yeah, amazing. So before we close, can you tell us about your podcast and where people can connect with you?
Speaker 2:Yes, so you can find the Calming Ground podcast. Anywhere you get your podcasts Usually that's Spotify, apple and that is a podcast that just has this kind of thing Very similar, like just really helping people anchor back. I bring in some of the ancient Chinese wisdom, because that's something that I know a lot about, but then also just different ways that we might reframe or reflect or come back into our center and find the calm. Where I offer coaching there's group coaching, one-on-one coaching. I have a bunch of different freebies there too. I'm in different resources that can help, again just inviting people to come back into their own calming ground. I believe we all have that ground within us, and so it's just about reconnecting with our own calm. So I met my website and you were mentioning there's a.
Speaker 1:there's a freebie for for any of the listeners here. It's a morning ritual, is that correct?
Speaker 2:Yes and um, I that one is the most popular um gift that I offer out. Um, and I think just the starting our day with intention and some practices can make a huge difference. Um, and also it's. I think what I find is that it's easier for people to remember to come back to them when they have a routine of starting with those practices and so then when they need them they can just pull them throughout the day. Man, I'm stressed, let me just do this little five-minute, three-minute, whatever I need practice to kind of recenter myself, and so, yeah, anybody's welcome to check that out.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be downloading that real quick myself, and so, yeah, anybody's welcome to check that out.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be downloading that really quick. I think it'll be. I think it'll be great, elizabeth, thank you. Thank you for for being here today, and I really appreciate that you've shared both your expertise and your personal experience. It's made this conversation so grounded and relatable for a lot of people. I know my listeners are going to take a lot of comfort and encouragement from everything that you've shared, and it's been a real gift having you on the show. And, for those of you who are listening, if you want to hear more from Elizabeth, make sure that you check out her podcast, the Calming Ground, to learn more about all the work that she does, and I'm going to link everything in the show notes so that you're able to connect with her really easily.
Speaker 1:Thank you, everyone for hanging out with us today. If you liked the episode, I'd love it if you would share it with someone who needs to hear it and heck, share it with the whole world. I'd love for more people out there to benefit from Elizabeth and her words. So I'd also appreciate it if you would be so kind as to follow me and maybe leave a comment. I'm most active on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor, and Instagram at drangelela downey.
Speaker 1:I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life yourself. I'm going to talk to you again in two weeks. Take care for now you've got this. Thanks for spending time with me today. I hope something in this episode resonated with you. If it did hit, follow, subscribe or share it with someone who needs to hear it today. The codependent doctor is not medical advice and doesn't replace speaking to your healthcare provider. If you're in a crisis, please go to the nearest ER or call 911 or reach out to your local mental health helpline. I'll be back here next week with more support stories and strategies, because we're healing together.