Codependent Doctor
Podcast focusing on codependency. Learning how to create healthier relationships, healthier self and healthier lives.
Codependent Doctor
59: Why You’re Stuck: Understanding Internal Resistance and How to Break Through
Ever feel stuck even when you’re motivated and ready to change? In this episode, Kam Knight breaks down the hidden force behind that feeling: internal resistance. We talk about how it shows up as procrastination, overthinking, and self-doubt, plus simple ways to start moving forward.
Grab Kam’s freebie 5 Ways to End Procrastination and Sabotage at kamknight.com, and find him on Instagram and Facebook.
This episode includes a paid partnership with BetterHelp. Click this link, betterhelp.com/drdowney, to get 10% off your first month.
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🎵 Music: Touching The Air by Graceful Movement
If you've ever found yourself thinking, why can't I just do this thing that I want to do? I know how. So what's stopping me? You are not alone. Today's conversation is all about internal resistance. What it is, how it messes with our goals, and the sneaky ways that it shows up like procrastination, overthinking, or even burnout. We're breaking it down into super relatable pieces. Why our own desires sometimes work against us, the mind's hidden checklist that stalls progress, and what you can actually do when you feel stuck. So grab a cup of coffee, have a seat, and join us. You are not going to want to miss this episode. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a podcast where we unpack the messy, beautiful journey of healing from codependency. If you're burned out from people pleasing, stuck in unhealthy patterns, or just tired of putting yourself last, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, and I'm here to help you reconnect to your authentic self, one honest conversation at a time. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners, and welcome to the 59th episode of the Codependent Doctor. I'm your host, Dr. Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent here to help us untangle our patterns, heal our hearts, and reclaim our peace. For today's episode, we have a guest with us. Cam Knight is a coach, an international speaker, and best-selling author of a dozen books in the area of mental, emotional, and physical performance. He is known for bringing fresh solutions and insights that are a rare departure from traditional ideas. Because of his fresh perspective, his books have become the gold standards for their respective topics, which have helped over 500,000 people. When he's not coaching or writing, he's traveling. He's traveled to over 100 countries around the world. Welcome, Cam. I'm so glad to have you on the show today. How are you doing?
SPEAKER_01:I am doing fantastic, Angela. Thank you for having me on. I'm excited as well.
SPEAKER_00:I was really excited that you contacted me. Your work hits on something that a lot of us experience, but we can't always name. It's that frustrating moment when we want to do better. We know what we need to do, but something invisible is stopping us. As someone who talks a lot about codependency, burnout, and the emotional toll of overfunctioning, I know that my listeners are really going to resonate with your insights on internal resistance. And I mean, like you've written like a dozen books, you've been to a hundred countries with a lot of lived experience behind you. So that's going to add a lot of depth to our conversation. So thank you for being here.
SPEAKER_01:No problem. Again, like I said, I'm really happy to be here.
SPEAKER_00:One of the traditions on my show is that we discuss something that we're grateful for because when we stop to think about what we're grateful for, it helps our brains focus on what's working instead of what's broken. So I'd like to ask you, is there anything that you're especially grateful for today?
SPEAKER_01:Yes, I am. And to preface my answer, I want to say my coach, you know, we all have coaches, um, was kind of gave us an assignment saying, go out and look at how what you've wanted is already there. Because a lot of times we want things and the universe gives it to us, but just not in the way we think it should have, should have come or the way it should look like. And I did that last week, and I realized like most everything I've wanted, like I have right now. And I was still moving in a mode of like going out and doing and achieving and getting when I like I have it. So I'm grateful for having to be in the spot where I more or less have everything I had aspired for in the past.
SPEAKER_00:It's amazing. So now you just you know everything that you've got and everything else is just bonus.
SPEAKER_01:Yes.
SPEAKER_00:That's that's amazing. For myself, I am gonna say that I'm really grateful for the flexibility that I have in my job because it really allows me to work as much as I want, as little as I want, when I want. And that allows me to have these extra passion projects that I have, like this podcast. And I'm starting another podcast called Paging Dr. Mom, where I support professional women who are juggling careers and kids. So I'm having a lot of fun, and I wouldn't be able to do that if it wasn't for, you know, the type of flexibility that my job gives me. So I'm really I'm grateful to have that in my life.
SPEAKER_01:It looks like you have a lot of flexibility if you're able to start two podcasts. So that's pretty amazing.
SPEAKER_00:Well, this one I've been doing for about a year and a half, and the other one is just starting up. So it's uh it's been a lot of fun, and I'm having a great time. So let's start by maybe having you introduce yourself. Sure. Tell us a little bit about your journey.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, cool. So my name is Cam Knight, and I am uh a mentor, international speaker, and author of a dozen books in the area of mental, emotional, as well as physical performance. As far back as I can remember, I've been a fairly driven individual. Kind of hard not to be living in a culture and society with so much personal development content and everyone telling you to do more, be your best self, and reach for the stars. As a result, I've always wanted to do more and have more and be more in life. And although I've had my fair share of success, I always felt like I missed the mark, or the success was much more difficult than it needed to be. And I always wondered why that was. Why is it if I want to do something, I know what to do, I know how to do it, and I have the motivation and desire to do it, but for one reason or another, I can't or don't do it. Now, at the time, there were no clear answers. The best answers I came across was that you need to have better beliefs or that you need discipline. And yes, beliefs, discipline, and some of the standard stuff that gets talked about, they're all important and they're all part of the equation. But I always felt like there was more to it. And over the last 15 to 20 years, that question lingered in my mind. Every time I was stuck, I wondered why. Why can't I get stuff done? Why do I keep spinning my wheels? Why don't I just do this dang thing so I can get the result that I want? And so the more books I read and coaching I did and seminars I attended, the more I was learning about the complexities of the brain. And the running theme that was always being discussed is why we can't do things, or like what's holding us back, and what um keeps us from doing this thing, or have good relationships and things like that. And over time, my brain started to come to the realization that there's a part of our brain that's designed to hold us back, and there's a part of ourselves that's built to keep us from growing and making progress. And I call this part resistance, and it's this brick wall that we hit anytime that we want to do something, but we can't, no matter how much we want to do it.
SPEAKER_00:So you're talking about internal resistance.
SPEAKER_01:Yes.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So why do you think so many of us struggle with internal resistance? Even when we want to change, we're we're motivated to change, but why why do we struggle with it?
SPEAKER_01:So it really helps to understand that the part of the brain that creates wants and desires, it works separately and independent of the part that allows us to act on that desire. This is really important, so I'm going to repeat it. The part of the brain that creates wants works separately and independent of the part that allows us to act on the want. So we have one part of the brain that's creating endless wants, one after another, and it doesn't check to see if we have the time, energy, and resources. It just creates wants. But then we have the other part of the brain that gives a green light on whether or not we should proceed with that want. And this is the part that checks to see if we have the time, energy, and resources. So what's really important to understand is the brain can both create a want and desire for something and at the same time keep us from moving forward with it. And the way this process plays out is anytime we do have a want, the brain looks at that want through a whole host of criteria. And if that desire is not in line with any other criteria, the brain will prevent action. And some of the criteria are things that are kind of obvious and we know about that gets talked about, like um limiting beliefs, habits, and comfort zones. But it gets even deeper, you know, it gets into our self-image, it gets into um authority issues, core needs, and all of that. So anytime we want to do something, the brain is like checking through all of that. And if any of them is not in line, it will prevent action. And what's really important to understand is that it's not just resistance that can hold us back, but our own wants can hold us back. Both of these things can hold us back. So it doesn't matter how much motivation a person has, how simple the solution is, or even how much benefit we can derive. If this part doesn't give us the go-ahead, and if the wants aren't conflicting, then we can't do it. And it really helps to understand what these parts are, how they work. Otherwise, we'll kind of be stuck as a lot of us can feel sometimes. I hope that made sense.
SPEAKER_00:It it does. So so we have a want. There's something that we want to do. And there's another part of our brain that starts going through this checklist of is this achievable or not? Yeah. And and that's where we get stuck, right? So how do we start moving, how do we how do we start moving past that?
SPEAKER_01:Well, first is to address these things. So like I said, it goes through a checklist, and some of them is not so much just about being able to achieve it. Um the limiting beliefs aspects uh are part of it. The other parts are about um habits and comfort zones and things like that. So it kind of helps to go through all the things that are holding us back and work through them one by one until we can move forward. Though unfortunately, it's a long process. Um, because we have to know essentially psychology and the human mind at a deeper level than, in a ways, a lot of psychologists, because there's so many things that can hold us back.
SPEAKER_00:What are some of these limiting beliefs?
SPEAKER_01:So limiting beliefs um can be anything, and a great way to understand them is I'll share a quick story. Several years ago, I was at the beach in Chicago and I met a woman who was telling me that she was a model and wanted to move up to starting her own modeling agency in Miami. And I asked her why Miami and not New York or LA, as those cities are the hotspots for the industry. And her response was because those cities would be too difficult to get in. So now she had a belief in her mind that starting a modeling agency in New York or LA would be too difficult. Now, whether or not that belief is true, it influenced her decision to start an agency in Miami. So a belief is simply a thinking of what's possible or our available options. Now, what's really important to understand about this story is that we have beliefs about what's possible to do in the world and what's possible for us. So a person can have a belief that something is possible. Like it's possible to start a modeling agency in those cities. Others can do it, but not me. It won't happen for me. And it's really important to look at both beliefs because we might think something is possible, but deep down, not think it's possible for us. And when we start going after it, we will hit hurdles and blocks and avoidance behavior because that core belief deep down is saying it's not possible for us.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I I got the when I was, you know, younger, I kind of got the message that, you know, people like us didn't become doctors, right? There's nobody else in my family who's a doctor. Very few of my family members had ever gone to university. So I had these messages that I'd been receiving and I believed them. I believed that doctors were people that were put up on pedestals, and that wasn't me. And so when I failed my first year of university, it just reconfirmed everything that I already believed. And it it held me back. I changed the course of my career. I went into accounting instead because I was good in math and people told me I was good at that. But really, so I did have this belief that I was not meant to take that path. And something I really wanted to do. So I'm I'm glad that I was able to move past it. But that really held me back for many, many, many years.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and this reinforces that that you probably thought that it was possible to be a become a doctor, but deep down there was this underlying thinking that would say it's not possible for you, you can't do it, it's too hard. And although you may not have even noticed it, it was there. And then, of course, um it showed up in your life with you failing and then shifting into accounting. So that's how you know beliefs can work. And there are some good ways to understand what our beliefs are, because like I said, sometimes we don't know what our beliefs are. And what's really interesting is sometimes our thinking, it seems so true. Like when we're thinking, we can't do it or it's not possible. It just feels so real. Like, of course, that's the way it is. Um, but there's three main ways to tap into your beliefs. The first is to understand that our consciously held beliefs tend to be and usually are different from our unconsciously held beliefs. In fact, they can be the quite opposite. So, a couple of good examples is you know, the people who look the most preteous tend to be the most insecure about their look. The people who tend to brag and boast tend to be the most unsure. And the people who aren't compelled to do that tend to be more secure. So that's one. Two is to kind of look at your life. Look at your job, the house you live in, the car you drive, the money in your bank account, as well as the friends you hang out with and the money in their bank account. Those are all telltale signs of your beliefs. But a more direct way, which I really like, is to create a self-talk statement about a change that you want to have happen or that you want to have. For example, let's say, you know, you wanted to be a doctor, you would repeat statements like, I am a doctor, or I am a successful doctor. And you would repeat that. And as you do that, your mind is going to retort. It's going to say things like, No, you're not. You're this. Like, you're not smart enough, you'll never be a doctor. The responses your mind gives you are telltale signs of the beliefs that are running you inside, running inside you.
SPEAKER_00:Is it is it possible to jump from I I can't be a doctor, this is not something I'll ever be able to do, to I am a successful doctor. That seems like a really big jump to try and convince my brain that that I could be a doctor. It seems like a big jump to believe that that's true. Um, just like if if someone is like, oh, that person's very attractive, I want to date them, but in your mind, you're like, that person's way out of my league, I'll never get them. To to jump from one belief saying that this person is is out of my league to I'm I'm in this person's league. Sometimes that just seems like too big of a jump. Are there steps in between, or do you have to go and try and believe that?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it is. It's uh actually a good point that you bring up, Angela. Uh it is a fairly big jump, and people will lead us to believe that we should be able to make that jump very easily and very quickly and not fall back. But that's not the reality of it. When we're talking about the beliefs that are internal, they do take a little bit of time, but it doesn't mean that they can't be changed. And the first step is to understand uh what I had kind of initially said, is that a lot of our thinking, they it just seems so true. And because the thoughts are in our head, we think we're the ones thinking them. And because we're thinking them, we think they're valid. So the first step is to understand majority of our thinking isn't even us thinking it, it's just thoughts that the unconscious is throwing up into our awareness, and a lot of those thoughts are based on our resistance. So if a person can step back from the feelings and thoughts that they have of their limitations and say, wait, wait a minute, although this feels real, like how do I know it's real? Like, is it really true? And that's just the first step in trying to kind of um move away from that how solid that feeling feels. Another way, interestingly, is with self-talk. So as I mentioned, if we do repeat a set of self-talk statements, in the beginning, the mind will retort and say those things like, You could never be a doctor. Remember all the times you failed, and it even trigger memories of maybe failures in your life or embarrassing moments that is kind of like a reminder of that belief that you're not capable. But what's interesting is if you keep repeating it, a lot of that um response in the mind starts to tone down and the volume starts to uh go down. And then if you continue repeating it, it actually starts to form newer beliefs, which makes it easier to act on. In fact, I'm a huge proponent of self-talk, and uh Self-Talk Your Way to Success was one of my first books, and almost every book I've written, I have a chapter on self-talk because I think it is so important in helping us shift our thinking and behaviors, but more importantly, the beliefs that are running inside of us. And then there's other ways as well that we can change our beliefs, and it's through like questioning and analyzing, like questioning why we think that we are not caught up for a doctor. We can say things like, well, maybe in the past that would have been true, but I know if I work hard, that can move us forward. And even change our questions that we ask ourselves. Like instead of why am I not successful, or why can't I be a doctor? It's like, why would I be a great doctor, or well, how can I be a great doctor? Or what can I do to um become someone who can be successful as in the medical field? And when we change our questions, it actually completely shifts our whole way of you know processing that action.
SPEAKER_00:It gives you some form of control now.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Because now you're in the driver's seat. What can I do to be this person that I want to be? And you start taking those steps to get there. So instead of being kind of just a victim who this is happening to, I, you know, society's not allowing me to be a doctor.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:What can I do? So it gives you something that you can actually move forward to. I like that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's really important because when you ask, like, why can't I succeed in this? The mind will come up with all sorts of reasons. It'll even say things like, Well, you're of this sex, you're of this demographics, you're you didn't have a good upbringing. I mean, you'll just find all the reasons, and every reason that it comes up, it just nails a coffin in reinforcing that limiting belief. But as soon as you just shift that question to how can I, it's not even thinking about why we can't. It's just thinking about how can I? It's like, oh, well, I could work harder, I could get a tutor, I could do this. And if we choose to act on the answers, it can move us in that direction.
SPEAKER_00:Do you think that most of these negative messages are coming from society, or is that just kind of something within us, or we have a lack of confidence?
SPEAKER_01:It's not so much coming from us, per se. And um, you know, I help people a lot. I've developed a technique that helps people where I can help people go into their unconscious and to work on um their challenges and blocks and some of their trauma and PTSD at the unconscious level. And sometimes we get to a point where their mind is berating them. You know, they're saying all sorts of stuff like, you won't be cut off for this, you're ugly, you can't do anything right. And I will tell my clients, I'm like, I want you to understand that that's not your voice, that's the voice of the people in your lives. And the way the brain works is as we're growing up, it is picking up the voices of the people around us. And it's actually designed to do that. So if you know we were growing up in a healthy relationship environment, people would be teaching us what to do, showing us how to move through the world and all of that. And so as we do grow up, their voices enter into our head as a way to continue the guidance. So their voice becomes our voice. Now, what's really interesting is the mind doesn't look at to see if the voice is negative or positive. All it does is just pick up the voices that were around us. So if it's negative, it's gonna pick up negative voices. And what's really crazy about that is as we're growing up and it's picking up those voices and they enter in our head, we start thinking we're saying those things. And because we think we're saying those things, we believe those things. But real but the reality is they were just voices from you know people in our past, and it's usually our parents. Uh, the mind puts a lot more weight on our parents, it's a lot from um our peers. So if we had um brothers and sisters who weren't so kind, as well as bullies and things like that, their voice does enter into us. And like I said, the most difficult part about it is that as we are getting older and those their voices start repeating in our head, because it's in our head and we think we're saying it, and it just kind of reinforces it. This is why I had said earlier, in fact, a few times, really important to question the thoughts in your head. You may think you're thinking them, but it's really just the voice of resistance that's just coming up.
SPEAKER_00:So if you have a parent who keeps pointing out that you know you shouldn't go for that second plate or you should be exercising more, these are constant reinforcements for you. And in future, you're gonna be hyper-focused on on your weight. Okay. These are the messages that you got growing up. And as a parent, we always strive to do the best that we can. Sometimes it's hard to know you know how the things that we tell our kids are are affecting them and and what what they're hearing and what they're retaining.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it is challenging because our parents want us to stay safe. And especially when we're kids, we don't know what is right and wrong and safe and unsafe or healthy or unhealthy. And so they do have to kind of put a lot of walls so we don't do anything that can be damaging to ourselves. Unfortunately, in doing that, it does kind of carry over as adulthood, and sometimes our brain can pick up certain things, uh, a father or mother or brother or a peer said, and in a way, like kind of run our life. Like it's crazy, but like one statement somebody says at a certain point in our childhood can become the shotgun that gets heard around the world, and it becomes so true, and they live their life that way.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I once heard a boy at school make a comment about how I looked, and it's funny how that one comment stuck with me for like 20, 30 years. And and and so many other people have said good things, but this one negative comment, that's the one that I believed.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And it and it stuck with me for a really long time. And um, so it's it's we're we're surrounded by people all the time, and you want to be surrounded by good people. But sometimes these negative comments come out, and it's it's hard to know what to believe sometimes.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And uh something that could be helpful to you and as well as your listeners is to understand the brain puts a lot more weight on the negative comments. So we can hear 10 positive things, but it's that one negative that the brain really gets hooked on and um sticks to. And it's kind of there's a reason for it. It helps us survive. It's because we humans, as amazing as we are, as amazing as our bodies and our mind and even our hands, the complexity that's involved in it, like we still haven't been able to create computers and robots that can do what we can do. We're getting there closer, but it's taking a long, long time. At the same time, we're extremely fragile. Like the simplest things can hurt or injure us or end our life. And because there's so many dangers and we are fragile in that sense, the brain does prioritize more negative than the positive. It makes sense, it helps us survive. But like you said, and the effect of that is that we can hear all these positives, but it's that one negative that can really be like a dagger to our heart. And I'll give a really great example. So I am an author, and as an author, I met a lot of other authors, especially some really successful ones. And what I have found, um, and I went through this, and and you know, a lot of authors do, is that we can get a hundred positive reviews on our books, but that one, like, it hurts. It just hurts. And so, yes, when we do get that negative, it does help to switch that and reinforce the positive, but it takes a lot more. It takes like five to ten statements to just neutralize that negative, and then we need a few more to kind of push past it. So if we just a reminder to people if they are getting negative comments in their life, either whether from others or themselves, it's important to switch it with positive self-talk statement, though not just with one, but like five to ten times more is just the way it is.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it's hard getting those those negative messages. And it it often goes, it just reconfirms an insecurity that you already have.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And um it's hard to work through sometimes. And I think you mentioned at the beginning that you have a coach, I have coach, I have a therapist, and these are all the people who help me work through these issues. Yeah. Because we all go through them and it's it's not a lot of fun.
SPEAKER_01:No, no, it's um it's not fun, but when we can get through it, it's like, okay, I'm glad I went through it because there was some positives and benefits. But when we're in it, it's like, oh, this sucks. Like um, so yeah, it is a challenge, and it does help to have good coaches and mentors that you resonate with, and people who kind of can understand where you're at and know how to help you move forward easily. Because I'm not saying there aren't any bad or good, it's just that it helps to find one that fits you, where you're at, how you operate, and they understand that. So they can help you move through it soon quicker than longer. So the reason I bring that up is you know, I've cycled through different coaches, and I in fact it's actually important to have multiple coaches and mentors, which is what I do have. I'm very fortunate um for that, so it's another thing I'm grateful for. But it's really important to be not just like getting any coach, like knowing yourself and knowing what's gonna be most optimal for you and seeking that.
SPEAKER_00:What are some causes of resistance that most people wouldn't ever think of? Something hidden or unexpected.
SPEAKER_01:So, yeah, there's two that I'm gonna share because I think it's really important and it's affecting all of us. One is um what I call a core need. So, as humans, we have all sorts of needs, like the need for attention, affection, love, and even physical contact. And some of these needs are deeply ingrained into us, like the need for a mother's love or a father's guidance. When we don't receive it, it creates pain, a lot of pain. The kind of pain that can make a person go crazy. That's how deeply ingrained these needs are. Now, if growing up, The brain learns that these needs can't be met, won't be met, or is too dangerous to be met, the brain will prevent us from going after the need. Makes sense, right? Unfortunately, because these are core needs, the need doesn't go away. It just gets louder and stronger and more painful. But since the brain believes these needs can't be met, it feels it has no other choice but to distract us from it. And there's many ways the brain will distract us from these core needs. And one of them is to make our lives difficult, challenging, and keep us from finishing anything we start. So our focus is always on problems and not this pain. And I'll share a really important story about this. I knew someone who wanted nothing more in life than the love of his dad. But his dad never gave it to him. And it hurt him. It hurt him a lot. So much so that he lived a hectic life, living paycheck to paycheck, never being able to make ends meet. The reason his brain did that is because if he could finish what he started, his life would be good. And if his life was good, this pain would be at the forefront of his awareness. But because the brain believed this pain or need could never be fulfilled, it felt it had no other choice but to distract distract him from it. And the way it did that was to keep him constantly procrastinating and sabotaging. So the focus was always on problems and not the pain. So this is a pretty wild reason. And a lot of something that people wouldn't think of when they're stuck, not able to finish their homework or not able to take the next step in, you know, their goal. That, oh wow, finishing this thing could mean that I have this like core need that I didn't realize I had would become at the forefront of my awareness, and my brain is stopping me from that. And this is a challenging one.
SPEAKER_00:Very subconscious, right? You're not subconsciously doing um people don't usually think that they're going out looking for chaos in their life. It's there.
SPEAKER_01:It is, and and that's a challenge of you know, being humans because of the mind, because there's no direct line of communication between the conscious and unconscious. Much of the unconscious is hidden, which is why it's called the unconscious. But so we can't see how our unconscious patterns are affecting our conscious thoughts as well as our behaviors. So we could have this, you know, core need or thing, and the brain is like, well, since it can't be met, I'm gonna create destruction and havoc in your life. And what's crazy is even if you told the person, hey, this is what's causing this behavior, or why you're kind of creating chaos in your life, they can't imagine it. Like they can never see that connection because the unconscious is hidden. So yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I can't see why somebody would go out looking for chaos in life, but I I think I've done it. The my marriage wasn't working, and all I wanted to do was buy another dog and the house and do all these things, everything so that I didn't actually have to deal with the unhappiness that I had in my marriage at the time.
SPEAKER_01:That's exactly it. So it it can be from a core need or a core pain. And so it sounds like for you it was a core pain because there was a lot of unhappiness. The other um not so commonly known reason that person wouldn't think of, which I think is really important to know, especially in this country, because a lot of people here have it, is authority issues. So authority issues relate to our unconsciously held attitude toward authority figures such as parents, principals, priests, police officers, and even personal development coaches like ourselves. And I'm gonna extend that definition to anyone who tells you or makes you feel obligated to do something. So I had a friend whose parents nagged and pestered him about cleaning his room. They nagged and pestered him so much that he became spiteful towards him and unknowingly carried that spite for decades. So he didn't know why he couldn't stay clean or organized until he saw a therapist that his messy lifestyle was triggered by his parents from 20 years ago. He didn't know why he couldn't stay clean no matter how hard he tried. And our authority issues, they can last a long time. People can go years or decades resisting an authority and consequently not do anything they've ever said or take any advice they've ever given, no matter how long ago they said or gave it. We can hold resentment to our grave. So what that means is that to this day, in this very moment, a person may be unable to listen to a parent, teacher, or a boss because they are resisting them. And no matter what they say, they can't do it. Even if they get to a point where they realize, hey, this is healthy or this is going to be beneficial to me, they still can't because the authority issues are skipped in. So this is a reason why some people have a difficult time studying because of all the teachers telling them to study. This is also the reason why some people have a difficult time being on time, because at some point someone was always on their case about being timely. Or they're being resisted to diet and exercise because an overbearing father or mother or a boy or girlfriend was so overbearing about it. And the opposite can also be true. Um, we may have been told not to watch so much television or eat so much junk food, and now we binge like it's going like it's going out of style. And we may think it's because we enjoy television or junk food, but the reality is we're resisting some authority at large for telling us what to do. And it's also the reason why a lot of people still drink, smoke, and get high, even as adults, in a way to unconsciously give the big F you to all the people who said it was bad for them.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's that's what I was thinking when you're talking. I'm like, oh, I I think I've done that for sure. Yeah. Well, I'm gonna show you.
SPEAKER_01:Exactly.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, even though I know it's not good for me.
SPEAKER_01:Um and here's the thing about authority issues: it hurts no one else but ourselves. When we don't listen to the teacher, it doesn't necessarily hurt her grades, it hurts ours. When we don't listen to our parents, it doesn't necessarily affect their health, it affects ours. And what's more is that a lot of times our authority issue response is in an attempt to hurt them, like we want to hurt them by not listening to them. But it really hurts us. And what's crazy is that a lot of times our authority issue response is to outsmart them. Like, oh, I'll show you. Like you're telling me to do this or I need to do this, but I'll show you that I don't need to. And then we overwork, get worse results, trying to do something different. And instead of outsmarting them, we look like the fool.
SPEAKER_00:I was gonna say, I feel like everyone out there who's got teenagers is shaking their heads and along, going, Is this what's happened?
SPEAKER_01:This is it. And what's crazy is the parent wants to help the child, but just because of this dynamic, the child can't receive it. The more the parent tries, the more it pushes the child away. And it's one of the challenging aspects of I think being humans, and the challenge one of the challenges we have as trying to stay in a functional society, because just by telling something someone what to do that could be helpful, they want to not do it. So it creates a lot of challenges for people in positions of education, law, like police officers, judges, because I do believe they are trying to be helpful, but in their efforts, it creates the opposite outcome. And what's really important for people to at least understand it in themselves, because yeah, they could be experiencing that with the child, but they're probably doing it themselves as well, is that this authority issue response can be pretty automatic and rapid fire. Like a desire comes up, and it's like, no, I don't want to do that. Another desire comes up, no, I don't want to do this either. I don't want to go here, I don't want to do that. And our authority issue response just shuts down all these things without us even having a say in it. And again, because the response is coming from us, we think we're the ones making the decision. When it's really this thing that has kind of got triggered into us since we were young. So a lot of challenges and complexities to the human mind and brain and um how and all the different reasons resistance shows up.
SPEAKER_00:So, do you have any advice as a parent? You're trying to get your kid to clean up their room and trying to do all these things, and they are resisting because you're the authority figure. How do we how do we move past that? I have to realize I can't control another person. Um, you know, they have to to want to do that. But is there a way to get buy-in or or get some kind of arrangement going where they clean up their room?
SPEAKER_01:I'm gonna share a couple of strategies. The first, it actually starts from when the child is young, because what the child is looking for is that love of the mother and the guidance of the father. That child is built for it. Like I said, when they don't receive it, it's painful. And if a parent doesn't show up that way at a young age, that child is going to get upset. He's the child's not gonna know why it's upset. It just knows it's not receiving something that it's built to and it should. And because it gets upset, that's when the authority issue starts coming, because it's like, well, why should I do this? I'm not gonna get this thing that I need. And so it builds over time. Two, there needs to be some sort of like a relationship between the parent and the child. Uh, what I've noticed in this culture, outside of other cultures I've been to, is that we tend to hurt our children. You know, we send them to school, and then from school to soccer practice, from soccer practice to piano lessons, piano lessons to whatever. They come home. We're not actually engaging with the child much, we're not talking to them, understanding their pains, what's going on for them internally. So, of course, there is no connection the child has to the parent, and so the brain isn't going to listen to somebody that it doesn't have a connection to. And those things don't happen, you know, right away. It takes time to develop. So that's gonna be really key. And then the third, it's a little bit harder, is when we want something from another person, it naturally makes the wall go up in that person. It's just a really weird part of human dynamics, which is why they tell you on a first day, don't go, don't be too excited, because it literally, the other person creates a wall and uh they can lose attraction for you. This is why when someone is too pushy in sales, even though we want to buy the thing, we can't because our wall goes up. And we don't notice our wall go up, it just goes up. And even if we want to do it, we can't. And so just by a parent wanting the child, even if there wasn't authority issues, it's gonna bring up the wall in the child to a certain degree. And the more the parent wants it, the more the wall goes up. And what's really interesting is that when the wall goes up, the parent wants the child to listen even more. And then it makes their wall go up even further and it becomes this feedback loop. So in these situations, it helps to reduce the want of the parent. I know it sounds contraintuitive. Instead of, you know, pushing the child or like really wanting the child, let go of that desire. And when you can let it go, the wall and the child can come down, and it's easier to have that communication or interaction that the parent is seeking. This is challenging, but it is possible, and it's what my technique that I talked about does. Uh, we go into the unconscious and we break these needs that we have or other people. And when we can do the work on ourselves, magically the people around us change. So I hope those things were helpful.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that was really helpful. Thank you for that. A lot of my listeners, including myself, we struggle with setting boundaries and putting ourselves first. So, how can internal resistance be playing a role in those types of patterns?
SPEAKER_01:A big role. So when we feel undeserving or when we have limiting beliefs, we don't feel like we can have good things or that we can go after things. And worse, our brain makes it harder to do it. And so if we have like the low deserving and limiting beliefs, it's naturally going to create low boundaries to make things harder for us to get things that we want. And sometimes, and it's hard, it's like we need to set boundaries around people, and more importantly, we actually need to cut unhealthy people out of our lives. This is something that doesn't get talked about a lot, but this is something that I to have gotten to success I have, 12 books, traveling to 100 countries, working through some of the deeper mental and emotional challenges I had to be able to get to this point where I can talk to you intelligently, took a lot of work. And there were a lot of people on my path who weren't helpful. And not only were they not helpful, but in some ways they were pulling me down or they wanted to pull me down. And it's actually hard to be around people like that and still try to make progress. It's it's like a tackle work that goes on. And what I found was the easiest way was to cut them out. So there's a part of my brain that isn't expending all this energy and resources to try to figure out what they're gonna say and how to counteract it and and all that stuff that we need to do to manage people. Once we can cut it out, it is a lot easier to move uh forward. Though it's not easy to always cut people out.
SPEAKER_00:It's very scary.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, especially if they are like related to you. And there have been moments when even my parents, I had to cut out, and even my brothers and sisters. If they I find them to be kind of destructive, they're I have to put a lot of effort just so they don't destroy their own life, it takes a toll on me and what I want to do. And I can do what I can, but at a certain point, it's like, all right, I need to take a break from you guys so I can do what I want to move forward in.
SPEAKER_00:It's hard setting boundaries.
SPEAKER_01:It's hard.
SPEAKER_00:It's hard having those conversations. But when you can have them and when you do get there, it can be really helpful. Do you have any favorite strategies that you can include or mindset shifts that can help people move through the internal resistance that they have? So internal resistance, one is a very deep topic because I it's not just about and I I feel like we're not gonna cover everything in this episode, and you're just such a fountain of information. I don't know where to stop, but we might have to uh come back for another episode at some point. This is really interesting.
SPEAKER_01:Sure, I'd love to. Um I do enjoy talking and um, you know, try to give as much info as possible. So a lot of times it helps to work on the specific cause of the resistance. So if we do have the limiting beliefs that we kind of talked about earlier in the episode, then we work on the beliefs. If our cause of resistance is authority issues, then we work on we need to do the things related to authority issues. And if it's uh related to a core need or some other um cause of resistance, then we need to do the things that work on that. The reason I say that is because you can't use a one-fit-all approach. You can't use what works for limiting beliefs on authority issues, and what works for authority issues is not really gonna work for core needs. And so that's one really important thing. Though there are certain things that we can do that can work on all of it in a safe and easy way, and I really like to go back to the self-talk. And one thing that helps huge in helping people take more action and proactive action is a self-talk that I have created that took me nearly 15 years and traveling to over a hundred countries to narrow it down to, and anyone who repeats this has pretty profound shifts in um being able to do more. Do you think you would like to, or your audience would like to hear what that is?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Transformative.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And the reason I do self-talk, I want people to understand, because when we're dealing with resistance, you want to take the smallest action that has the biggest effect. Small things that you can do that can have um the big changes or that help you take the bigger steps. And I do believe self-talk is one of them. So I'm gonna give the statements. The first is I'm a do-it-now person. I easily do things now, I easily accomplish my goals right away. So there's a lot of psychology behind why this statement works so well. The first part of the statement, I'm a do-it-now person, it creates an identity and self-image that you're a person that does things now. We didn't get into it in this podcast, but self-image and identity is also a reason why resistance can come up. So it neutralizes that and it creates an identity that you're a person who does things now, so it makes it easier to do things. Now, doing things is not always fun, it's painful and stressful, which is why the second part of the statement is there, and that I easily do things now. If a person repeats that, it makes it easier to do the things that they're wanting to. So it's not like so much of a strain or creates so much um uh burnout. And then the last part is I easily accomplish my goals right away. And that's important because it's easy to do a lot of things, but spin or spin in circles, not really going in any direction. And that one helps the brain to focus on a goal or a specific target to move into. And even if a person doesn't have a goal or target, if they repeat that, their brain will start to form one. So it's I'm a do-it-now person, I easily do things now, I easily accomplish my goals right away. So that's the first statement, and this creates forward momentum and action. But we still need to neutralize the things that hold us back. And a lot of it does come down to undeserving and limiting beliefs, um, the things I kind of mentioned. So the second part is I deserve, have permission, and am having good things. And the reason why that works so well is again, it neutralizes that core thing that I don't deserve that's creating a lot of our challenges. So if we can say I'm deserving, I have permission, this is important because since we were kids, we have been constantly told what to do, what not to do, how to do it, how not to do it. And so, in a way, it trained our brain to constantly seek permission before we're doing things. And what's amazing is I go to seminars and events and speak all the time. And what I've noticed is people pay good money to come to these events to hire coaches, essentially to give them permission to go after things. So you can give yourself permission. And the last part of the statement, um, I'm having good things, it's the action of it. So it's if you repeat that, the good things start coming. So I deserve, have permission, I'm having good things. Now, for somebody with assertiveness challenges and they want to be more assertive, you know, you can read a lot of books on assertiveness. I have a book on assertiveness called Assertiveness Made Simple. But the challenge is you got to read the book, you have to understand how to go through the emotions of it, what to say, what not to say in the right moments, and it can take a while to develop that skill. Or you can just repeat some self-talk statements like I am a calm, assertive communicator. I easily communicate my needs and wants. If you repeat those two statements, you'll start to become much more assertive and much quicker than going out reading and developing a skill. So four statements, it'll change your life.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, Cam, we have 12 books. So if someone were to start somewhere in those 12 books, where would you suggest that that we start?
SPEAKER_01:Um, I think speed reading would be the best book. Speed reading, right? Speed reading right behind me. It's learn to read a 200-page book in one hour. It has over 5,000 ratings on Amazon. I would say start there because it'll teach you to consume information faster. Not just faster, but in a way where you understand more and remember longer. And so if once we can learn to start understanding how people put together information so we can understand it better and how to actually zip through it in a very natural and easy way. The reason I wrote that book is I find that a lot of people reading is like kind of a painful and annoying and just like not a pleasant experience. And with that book, it doesn't take a lot of training, just shifting the way you look at words, and within a few minutes, you'll be doubling to tripling your reading speed with better comprehension and memory in literally minutes. And then from there, you can not only go through information faster, but get more out of it, so it could be useful.
SPEAKER_00:So we read that one book on speed reading, and then we can get through the eleven other eleven in in no time.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Though if people like this concept of internal resistance, I have a course called Conquer Internal Resistance. And it's a deep dive into this topic. Like I said, we only covered a few causes of resistance. Um but this um this course goes into a dozen more. And we didn't even talk about our how our wants get in the way. There are many challenges our wants create, and this course dives into that. But more importantly, when the brain doesn't want us to do something, it doesn't tell us that it is. Instead, it uses manipulative tricks. That's how procrastination and sabotage show up. And the course has dozens of tricks our brain is using on us on a regular basis that we don't even know about. And these tricks are so conniving that you wouldn't think of them as tricks, which is why they work so well and why we so easily fall for them. So they can get that as well.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I can put all that in the show notes, and you also have a freebie.
SPEAKER_01:Five ways to end procrastination and sabotage. It's a really good um PDF that people like. It goes into the psychology of these tricks that show up, and people can understand how these tricks are showing up, they'll be um not so easily manipulated by them, and so they can make forward progress much sooner and quicker. And they can get all of that at my website, camknight.com. That's K-A-M-K-N-I-G-H-C.com, or they can text me the word flow, f l-o w to 26786, and they'll receive that PDF.
SPEAKER_00:Amazing, Cam. I want to thank you so much for being here with us. This was such a great conversation, and I loved it. And you are a fountain of information, and I feel like there's just so much more that we could be talking about. So I'd love to have you as a guest again in the future. So thank you so much for being here. And yeah, it's giving me a totally new way of thinking about things. So I appreciate you being here today.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you're welcome, Angela. This was fantastic, this was fun.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks for everyone for hanging out with us today. Um, if you like the episode, I'd love it if you would share it with someone who needs to hear it. I'm sure there's lots of people out there who would benefit and heck just share it with the whole world. I'd love to help more people out there. I'd also love it if you would be so kind as to follow and maybe leave a comment for the episode. I'm most active on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor and Instagram at DRAngela Downey. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster better relationship with the most important person, yourself. I'm gonna talk to you again in two weeks with another episode of the Codependent Doctor. Take care for now. You've got this. Thanks for spending time with me today. I hope something in this episode resonated with you. If it did, hit follow, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs to hear it today. The codependent doctor is not medical advised and doesn't include speaking to your healthcare provider. If you're in a crisis, please go to the nearest ER or call 911 or reach out to your local mental health health planning. I'll be back here next week with more support new stories and strategies as we're healing together.