66: Relationship Grief, Self-Worth & Letting Go: A Conversation with Terraine LeBeau

In this episode of The Codependent Doctor, I’m joined by Relationship Grief Coach Terraine LeBeau, founder of Behind the Shades Coaching. We talk about the kind of grief that doesn’t always get recognized—like breakups, identity loss, and the painful process of letting go. Terraine shares how people-pleasing, comparison, and childhood trauma can shape our relationships, and how his SOAR method helps clients heal and reconnect with themselves. Whether you’re grieving a person, a role, or the life you thought you’d have, this episode will remind you that healing is possible—and self-worth begins from within.

Don't forget to contact Terraine for your 1 hour free coaching session

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📗 My Books: Enough as I Am (codependency recovery) Enough as I Grow (365 day guide journal). Affiliate disclosure: I am an affiliate parner with Amazon and therefore receive a commission at no cost to you.

📘 Great Books on Codependency

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Daring Greatly by Brenee Brown, It Begins With You by Jillian Turecki, Becoming Bulletproof by Evy Poumpouras, The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshmin. 

Affiliate disclosure: I am an affiliate parner with Amazon and therefore receive a commission at no cost to you.

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Transcript

Welcome And Episode Focus

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Today's episode is one I think a lot of us need to hear, especially if you've ever grieved a relationship that didn't have a clean ending. Whether it was a breakup, a friendship that fizzled, or a connection that left you feeling unseen, we're talking about the kind of grief that lingers in the quiet moments. I'm sitting down with relationship grief coach Terrain LeBeau to talk about how to process emotional pain, rebuild your sense of self, and stop searching for closure in all the wrong places. This conversation is honest, empowering, and full of real takeaways, especially if you've struggled with people pleasing or lost yourself trying to hold on to someone else. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a podcast where we unpack the messy, beautiful journey of healing from codependency. If you're burned out from people pleasing, stuck in unhealthy patterns, or just tired of putting yourself last, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, and I'm here to help you reconnect to your authentic self, one honest conversation at a time. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners, and welcome to the Codependent Doctor Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, here to help us untangle our patterns, heal our hearts, and reclaim our peace. For today's episode, we have a guest with us. Terrain Lebo is a certified relationship grief coach and founder of Behind the Shades Coaching. Through his SOAR method, he helps people heal from heartbreak, navigate grief, and rebuild healthy, fulfilling relationships. He also hosts the Behind the Shades podcast, where he has honest conversations about trauma, love, and resilience that can empower listeners to reclaim their voice and find healing. Terrain brings a lot of compassion and honesty and real tools to help us move through that kind of loss without losing ourselves in the process. I'm so glad to have him on the show today, and I can't wait for you to hear what he has to say. So welcome, terrain. I'm so glad that you're able to join us today. How are you?

SPEAKER_00 2:39

I am doing well, Angel. How are you doing today?

SPEAKER_01 2:42

I'm I'm doing really good. So, Terrain, you and I, we've met before. Um I got to be a guest on your podcast, which was the first interview I've ever done. I was very, very nervous that time, but I was really excited when you mentioned that you wanted to be on my podcast too. So maybe, Terrain, can you start by telling us about your journey and what led to you becoming a relationship and grief coach?

SPEAKER_00 3:06

Absolutely. So I'm gonna go all the way back. So in my teens, um, I was going through a difficult time. I was coming into what a lot of teenage teenagers think they're coming into, which is I'm becoming a man, even though a man is more so behavior than it is necessarily only biological biological. So I couldn't date with success to save my life. I remember, Angela, I would go as far as plan all of my dates on Tuesdays because the bus ride was$2, the meal was$2, and movie was$2 way back in the 1900s, as the young kids say it. So my dates were less than$20. To and fro, and we all got to eat. So one thing I learned is I wanted to find success in the relationship realm because I wanted to build connection. So I reached out to some mentors, older people who had the type of success that I wanted. That eventually led me to religion, which was the church. I developed um how to appreciate, understand the finer details of men and women, as well as I grew into the public speaking space. I did Bible talks, I did Bible readings in front of the congregation, and then I continued to build upon that success until I reached my 30s, which I'm in now. And then I said, this is the time to give back some of the wisdom that I've learned because I've been through the grief, not only of loss, but identity loss. Who I was, I was grieving because I was losing friends as my identity changed. As I was building more healthy and successful relationships, I began to understand what it takes to not only to be a man, but to be a woman or everything in between, to be a pairing. So that is how I started my journey, and that is why I want to give back because I remember the importance of reaching out to people, but not everyone has that courage or maybe the ability to do so. So for those who can't reach out, we're reaching out to you.

SPEAKER_01 4:58

And you've got a podcast as well, Behind the Shades, which I've been a guest on. So how did you start that?

SPEAKER_00 5:04

I started that in I had a diet idea in 2018. And then um it just stayed a dream instead of reality, like a lot of dreams do. And then in 2020, during the lockdowns and the pandemics and everything with COVID, I decided that this is the time to listen to that little voice in the back of my head. So I started it. Um I started reaching out to men and women in the gym, since I spent so much time there. I was that annoying person who had the elevator speech, five minutes. A lot of that worked. And then I started to realize that some people at the gym, no matter how big or how strong they were, they had insecurities. And then that's how I started it. And then I started to gravitate to okay, let's see where else people have insecurities, trauma, or a success story. And that's how I started the podcast, and that's why I'm still going strong.

Defining Relationship Grief

SPEAKER_01 5:55

It's amazing. So you're a grief coach, a relationship grief coach. So can you talk to me a little bit about what relationship grief is?

SPEAKER_00 6:04

Yes, so there's a number of um definitions I like to give. So the first two is if someone passes away. I think we all know the physical loss of grief. When it comes to the different types of relationships, personal, professional, romantic, you can have grief that you're anticipating. I thought I was going to get a job and I didn't get it. Now I have this burden. Because maybe I went out and I told family and friends I was going to get this six-figure job, but now I'm still a barista or Starbucks. Even though I love my baristas, I get Starbucks every weekend, guys, okay? And then there's the grief identity that I was a mother or father, now I'm an empty nester. What does that look like? I was a husband, I was a wife, we've divorced. What does that look like? I want to get married. I've built up this fantasy of it. I have the wedding dress in my closet in the plastic, just waiting for that day to wear it, and that day never comes. So that is what a relationship grief is. It's the grief that you anticipate because you're expecting something to happen and it doesn't, or we've actually lost something that could be physically, emotionally, or even mentally.

SPEAKER_01 7:11

I think when we think about grief, you know, it's a little bit more obvious if we lose somebody, if somebody passes away, right? It's normal for us to grieve. But when it comes to the other types of grief, we seem to overlook that or minimize its impact on us.

SPEAKER_00 7:27

I will agree. Like if you look in the mirror, and you probably I know I've done this. I'm like, oh my God, look at my belly. It's getting a little bit more round. I used to have abs and I don't, right? So when it's on the physical side, it's easier for us to see it. If someone passes away, there's the body in the coffin. There's a funeral. When you've lost something emotionally, that's something for the most part only you can see, and a lot of us do a very good job of hiding it. It's the dirty underwear in the closet. We know it's there, we can smell it, it stinks, but we're going to pretend like we don't see it because we're going to bury it behind something else. So a lot of people don't recognize, or at least acknowledge, that they've lost something inside of them that doesn't have to be attributed to a loss. So that's a very good point.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

You know, you mentioned empty nesters, and that's kind of where I'm at. So one of my children has gone to university and the other one still lives at home, but is never at home. So this role and this identity that I had as a mother, it's kind of gone away. And what what do I do now, right? There's so much of investment that goes into raising children that when they're gone, you're left not knowing what to do anymore. You need to find a way to continue and and to find yourself outside of those roles that you had as a mother, or let's say if you're dating someone, I mean, if there's a breakup, you've invested lots in that relationship and now you're broken up. Who are you beyond this person? A lot of people can sometimes struggle with letting go of that life that was there, especially if they're like overinvested in a relationship or they felt responsible for keeping these kids alive, responsible for fixing the relationship. So, what can help people move forward when they feel kind of stuck in that grieving period?

Identity Loss And Empty Nesting

SPEAKER_00 9:19

First recommendation for the ladies, don't do girls night out. No, right? No bars, no clubs, nothing like that. Because what some of us do is when we're hurt, that's that's there's a struggle there, right? And we think that sometimes we go back to that old saying, the best way to get over something or over someone is to get under someone. So we go out right for attention and validation. So you raise a good point where you have children, you're becoming an empty nester. Who am I when the people who gave me this identity is no longer around? And that's a fantastic question because a lot of us ask that. What I would recommend for the people that I work with is to ask yourself who you were before that, and what made you that person? So, for example, you mentioned sushi. I was a sushi person. Why did I become sushi sushi Sunday terrain? Right? Like that's an identity of mine. It's because I like to go to the gym, I like to eat, I like to try different foods. That's who I was. So for the empty nesters out there, the for the people who maybe are no longer in a relationship, always remind yourself of what you used to do, maybe before you got into that situation, before you had had that identity. Because no matter what changes, no matter what identities you accumulate afterwards, you're still who you are. Still Angela, you're still doing fantastic. I'm still trained, I'm still doing fantastic. But what makes us be fantastic? And what I recommend is writing that down because sometimes, Angela, we've been one way for so long, we can't remember who we were before. And that could be scary to some people. It could be like, oh my God, what do I do next? We're here to remind you what to do next. So write it down, remember your hobbies, and let's get you back to who you always were, but it's just behind the door of another, another identity.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

I feel like I've been a people pleaser most most of my life. I uh it goes back to like the third grade when you know I didn't have any friends, and I felt like I needed to be somebody else to have other people like me and want to be my friend. So when I think back of like who was I before this relationship, who was I before I had kids, I'm not even sure I know that. I feel like I'm going back so far in time that I I there was a point in time where I didn't really know who I was even what I liked, because I'd spent so much of my life being a people pleaser and trying to be something different for every other person that that came around. And so when I had to start discovering who I was, I felt like I was going back like right to basics where I had to try a bunch of new little things to see what fit. And that that was a real struggle for me.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

It's like you're going back to your five-year-old self. Like what would five-year-old Angela do as of right now?

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Yeah, she would be cutting out stars in in a piece of paper, which looks ridiculous for a woman in her forties, right? Um, I'm not going to be doing those arts and crafts. But I felt like I almost had to start right from the beginning. And it was it was a lot of work, it was a lot of fails, um and a lot of successes, and a lot of things I really enjoyed doing, some I enjoyed less. But it I I had to start right from the beginning. And um and and that was that was fun. It was but it took time.

SPEAKER_00 13:00

And that's the part that I think a lot of adults, especially let's say as we approach midlife, we think some of our hobbies, let's say as children, teenagers, we think it's ridiculous. Like like cutting paper and making stars. Why is that ridiculous? Why is that silly? I think that's fantastic. There was a time, Angela, I was driving um my mother, I think it was my father, to the hospital just for a checkup. And I saw these two kids, they had to be under 10. They're running, they fell down, and like a lot of adults are like, oh my god, are they hurt? They looked at each other, laughed, continue running again. We think it's silly. They're having the time of their life. That inner child doesn't leave us. The difference is as we get older, we start to hear the voice less because we choose to hear it less. Five-year-old Andrew, five-year-old Trey knew what they wanted to be as an adult for the most part. But why is it as an adult we don't remember what we wanted to be as a child or how we were as a child? We need to reconnect to our child self to understand that this is who I am. Was I a people pleaser? Probably. Was I being abused? Most likely. Did I have trauma? Absolutely. But there is a lot of positives here, and sometimes we get too fixated on the negatives because as adults we want to fix and heal our past. But one way to heal the past is also to remember the good of it. So that's what I would recommend. Don't feel silly. Cut your stars, celebrate them, share them with me if you want. Right? We'll celebrate it together in front of everybody.

People Pleasing And Refinding Self

SPEAKER_01 14:37

Fair enough. Fair enough. No, I I I never saw myself as an artsy person, but yeah, I I think I am. I started doing macrame. I've got my plants, I'm totally in love with my plants. The bigger the leaves, the better. I look forward to the new leaves coming out. And I used to think I had a you know black thumb and that I couldn't keep plants alive. But it's really interesting discovering all these new things that you can do. I mean, it it's endless possibilities out there, and it's it's a lot of fun. In your coaching business, you have the SOAR method. Can you tell us a little bit about what that is?

SPEAKER_00 15:13

Absolutely. So the SOAR method is something that I came up with just for people to understand or to help people along when it comes to um working through, let's say, a traumatics event. So that's what be start-stop. So what is it that you want to start doing? What is it that you want to stop doing? Train, I want to start getting healthy relationships. Perfect. Okay, what do you want to stop doing that's preventing that? Uh I don't know. That's how I get you involved in that, right? What's something that you want to overcome or what's something that's an obstacle? That would be the O, right? So the obstacle could be that I work 14 hours every single day. I don't have time to date. Fair enough. Where can you get time? Because you still have 10 hours during the day, right? So it's not only identifying an obstacle, it's identifying how do you see certain things in your life as obstacles or are they something else? Right? And then you have the acknowledgement piece. I acknowledge that I need to do X to get Y.

unknown 17:15

Right?

SPEAKER_00 17:16

I acknowledge that I need to take less time at work if I want to find happiness in this aspect of it, right? And then you want to relinquish or reclaim and you want to go from there. So these are the steps that I take to make sure that people are holding themselves accountable, but also empowering them to understand that you have authority over your life and you have understanding to make the decisions that you want and to find happiness. Happiness may be different to you than to me, but happiness is still happiness. If you're happy, then I'm happy for you.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

We all have some measure of control in how we manage our relationships and how we help ourselves in our relationships. If we s sit and be the victim all the time and think that things are happening to us and that we have no control, then you can't change your situation at all. So by using something like the SOR methods, S-O-A-R, you're really taking these things on and reclaiming something for yourself and and make something for yourself. And you have some control and you have a way to make things better for yourself. And I think that's really important to understand that even if you have like a little bit of control in the situation, then that allows you to be able to change something that you're not happy with.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

And that's the key, right? A lot of people that um I've come across, either in the grief groups that I work with or the coaching or just people in general, they feel powerless. Maybe because they're always beaten down, maybe because their the love they received was always conditional. Get straight A's, I love you. Perform well, I'll validate you. Right? So helping them to know that the power always came within. Like I can't give Angela power. Right? Like if you feel beaten down, if you feel defeated, like Terrain, oh my god, every person, all eight billion people on this planet hate me. I can tell, you know what, Angela, you have the power to love yourself. Oh, Terrence, shut up.

unknown 19:21

Right?

Reconnecting With The Inner Child

SPEAKER_00 19:22

It has to come from within. Like you have to believe it. I can give you all the resources, but you have to say, today is going to be different than yesterday because everything I did for the first 40 years of my life has gotten me to a place where I no longer want to be. Today I'm gonna try something different. And that, and once you acknowledge you want to try something different, that to me is a true beginning of feeling empowered.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

Absolutely. It's important to know that you do have some control in your life, and there are things that you can change, and being able to recognize what those little things are that you can change. So for your SORA method, what can you start? What's not working, and what can you stop? These are all things that that you can take into your own hands and and change your situation. Do you have any examples of how it's helped someone heal from a painful relationship?

SPEAKER_00 20:17

Absolutely. So there is this young lady. I call her young lady out of respect, but she's in her 60s, early 60s now.

unknown 20:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 20:25

When we met, she truly believed that I'm gonna get fired, no one's gonna love me, because love, apparently to her, was something that you only get in your twenties. So in her mind, she was going about life almost 40 years without thinking love will ever find her again. So when I started working with her, I asked her what was the sources of these feelings. And it originated in childhood because she felt abandoned as a child. Right? And anyone knows and anyone who knows abandonment in child, many times it shows up as what? Anxious attachment styles, avoidant attachment styles, right? All these different ways. So for her, she was dating the same type of man, just in different packaging, as I call it, right? Different hair color, different eye color, different skin color, different whatever, financial status. But deep down, they were still the same men that made her feel abandoned. So what I did, I asked her, okay, what do you want to start doing? She listed things straight. I want to have a good job, I want to find someone that loves me. I asked her to define that. What does love look like to you? Right? It's not this it's not the three sixes, six feet, six figures, six inches. Okay? It's something totally different. So when she told me that, I said it's behavior specific. We started working together, she got a better job, a little bit more demanding, but it treats her with the level of respect that she wanted and the income that she wants as well. She finally found someone, and till this day, they moved in together and they've been living together for the last year. Now, this was Angela an almost four-year journey. There were tears, there were frustrations, there were F-bombs. Right? But she got there, and I highlight the length of time because we think it's like um those diets we see on social media 90 days and you get this. There's no 90 days fixed to yourself. If there were, no one would have trauma. People like you and I would be out of business, rightfully so, because everyone's happy and peaceful, right? So that's an example of someone who did it later on in life. Because one, love doesn't expire. Two, neither does happiness. And three, if you believe in yourself and you have the right person or people around you, you can find what you want.

SPEAKER_01 22:59

That's a great story. And um, it's it's amazing the things that we convince ourselves are true. Like love doesn't exist past the age of 20. These things probably come from trauma from when you were young, or someone made you believe that that this was true, that you could not find love. Maybe you were told you're not pu pretty enough. No one's ever gonna love you. Somebody once told me that. They told me you cannot be picky about who you date because not many people are gonna like you. And that was a message I got when I was 16, which is crazy. And it is amazing how that message got internalized for so long, right? You can't be picky about who you date. Suddenly, you're you're picking these people. Who are maybe not very good for you and bringing those people into your life because you've been told that that this is what's going to happen. And it's so much easier to believe those negative messages that come your way. So, you know, terrain, you say, Angela, you're beautiful. Angela, you're not going to have any problems finding someone. You're not going to believe that. You're going to believe I can't be picky about who I date because not many people are going to like me. That's the message that keeps resonating. It's that negative thought. And the stuff that you believe just carries on for such a long time. And it's going to take a long time to re to reverse those messages that you're, that you've internalized and that you've gotten over time. Even if it's just one person who said something bad out of like 30 people who said good things, you're going to remember that bad thing because deep down that's that's kind of what you believe the most. And you believe that about yourself. It just validates everything that you've always thought, the negative stuff. So it's a long journey to get over some of those comments that you may have gotten or some of those beliefs that you may have had growing up, especially if you felt abandoned or like people weren't there for you. Maybe you didn't feel loved. It takes a long time to recover from those types of messages.

The SOAR Method Explained

SPEAKER_00 25:06

And let's be honest about this, right? As well. From childhood, your parents, regardless of the setup of your parental structure, right, they're supposed to be your first superhero. A lot of people, it's their first supervillain. So if you're that child that was told that you're fat and stupid, as a child, regardless of how you're performing, when you go out into the world, the first time you hear it from a non-family member, oh my God, it is true. Because they have no skin in the game, right? They have no dog in the fight, as it would say. But then limiting beliefs, I think, gets underappreciated because it is so impactful. Especially if you've gone year after year after year hearing similar criticism. If someone told you you're not going to be good enough, or to your point, Angela, someone says, Well, you're not pretty enough to do this. Okay. Someone comes along and they says, Angela, you're so pretty. Come, let's go do this. A lot of men and women will go and do that. Because they're hearing something that's contrary to what they've always been told, and now they're curious. Oh my God, do you really love me? This is where narcissists are very good at this, right? Because they would prey on people. Like there's a joke I would I make with people, it's not really that funny, but it's like a victim is b a victim graduates every year. At college, like high school, right? There's always going to be someone to be victimized. And because compliments are the one of the um stepping stones to victimize a person, you can tell someone that they're nice, that they're pretty, that they're good looking, that they're rever. And if you've been beaten down by the world and that's all you wanted to hear the first 20 years of your life, 30 years of life, you can see a lot of people falling victim to that.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

Absolutely. You definitely become more vulnerable to that. So there's there's two different things. Um, so someone can tell you you're beautiful and you're like, this is all I've ever wanted to hear. I will stick with you forever through thick and thin. Even though you start being not so nice to me in the future, I will remember those times that you were kind and hope that you keep saying those things. Even though maybe things aren't going as good in our relationship anymore and you're not being very nice, you're gonna hope that one day you get back to that place where that person was being really kind to you. So you are definitely at risk of being in relationships where you're not treated very well. Also, what can happen sometimes is someone might say you're beautiful and you're like, oh my God, this person's crazy, right? Like there is something wrong with you if you think I'm beautiful. This person's lying to me. There's this lack of trust in what's being said because you don't believe what they're saying. And that's a different kind of recovery as well. And and learning learning to love yourself. Learning to love yourself is gonna help you in both those situations, um, where you're not as needy for that validation and those compliments from that other person. If you don't need that validation, then you're not gonna be as at risk of being in these relationships that aren't very good for you. And if you do learn to love yourself, then it doesn't really matter what other people say about you, right? I know I'm good. I know I have nice eyes. I know I have, you know, whatever positive attributes you actually are able to see in yourself, start believing those little things. And then eventually you can start believing that you are beautiful without needing to hear it from other people.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

Aaron Powell Do you then think it's harder for people to Do you think the journey of loving yourself is harder than the journey of being loved by others then?

SPEAKER_01 28:44

Um so I think it is very hard to start loving yourself and your body. I don't know if it's harder, but it might not be difficult to find somebody who tells you those things, like a narcissist. They they tell you these things because they want to grab you and get you in that relationship. So it's not that it's not hard, but some people might might take advantage of the fact that you're vulnerable and say these things to you. And then and then you once you hear it, you're you're happy to hear it. But to truly love yourself, I think can be really hard.

SPEAKER_00 29:15

I think so as well. And I probably would be on the side of maybe it's harder to love yourself just because when someone gets hurt by others, many people will isolate. So it's like a turtle going back into his shell, like they have this hard shell now, so others can't come in, but they're hurting themselves by doing that. But then if people were to hurt themselves or they're not able to love themselves, they would go outward to get it, right? So it's interesting to see how pain within leads many people to go get it, go get peace and happiness outside of themselves. And then those who get hurt by people outside of themselves, they go into themselves to try to get the love, but they don't know how to get it because if they knew how to get it from themselves, they wouldn't have gone outside. So it's like an interesting dynamic.

SPEAKER_01 30:05

So how do you start helping people to reconnect with their own needs and desires?

SPEAKER_00 30:11

Oh, that's a good question. They would have to, if I were to think about it now, I think the first step would be to understanding what they want. What are their desires? What do they want for themselves? X excluding everyone else. So if I were using myself as an example, okay, if I were to remove every single person on this earth, what do I want from myself? Strip it all away. And it could simply be that I want a happy home to come to and a job that I have peace. And that's probably as basic as you can get, right? When it comes to the basic needs. Right? I want food and and and shelter. But then you would ask people if I were to provide you with safety and security only, would that be sufficient? And I think there's people out there that will say no.

unknown 31:01

Right?

Power, Agency, And Self Belief

SPEAKER_00 31:01

If I were to give you the basic needs, would that be sufficient? And I think some of the problem reasons why some people say no is because of comparison, which we know is a thief of joy. I have a two-door car, I have a 2,000 square foot home, and my bills get paid. That should be happiness for many people. But Angela, John and Claire down the street, I have a$2,500 home and they drive a Ferrari.

unknown 31:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:32

It goes back to what we talked about, right? About identity. Who am I? Am I still someone without comparison? Am I still someone without the competition? So when it comes to your question now, that's what I would do. I would strip away everything and say, okay, what can I give to you, or what can you give yourself to make yourself happy? Or let's take it another notch. What can I provide? What can you give yourself to make you feel content? Because contentment is different than happiness, right? Content is I'm okay with my life. The good, the bad, and everything in between. I may not be happy all the time, but most days I am. Happiness is I'm happy every single moment of every single day. I wake up like, wow, I'm God's gift to the world.

SPEAKER_01 32:23

Right? That would be amazing, waking up like that every day and feeling like your own superstar. Yeah. And but you're right, comparison is brutal. And you see everyone else's lives, right? I have my podcast. I like my podcast. I I do a good job. I show up for it. I like it. But then you see someone else's podcast and they're doing better than you are. They have more viewers on social media. It's there's there's there's always this, there's always somebody out there who's doing better than you. And it makes you sometimes you have to make sure it doesn't make you feel less than, right? And go back to why do you enjoy doing this podcast? Why do you enjoy doing this job? Why do you enjoy being with this person? Why do you enjoy driving this car? Someone else is always gonna have a better car. There are nicer cars out there, but do you necessarily want that? Like it's it's easy to compare yourself, but when you sit back and you think, well, you know, a car really isn't a big priority for me. I need something to get me from point A and point B. It doesn't mean that much. So just because that car is shinier doesn't necessarily mean that I need to feel like I'm failing somehow by not having that car.

SPEAKER_00 33:31

And there's always gonna be a newer model, as you mentioned. You have a 2025, 2026.

SPEAKER_01 33:37

Yeah, for sure. I I love my 2025, but the 2026 does look a little bit better. There's always gonna be something else out there. And learning to be grateful and happy with the things that you have and where you are in your life is is a skill. And it it's a very much a mindset shift that you need to have to be able to appreciate the things that you already have, right? There's nothing just because somebody else has something else doesn't has something else that might that you perceive as being bigger or better, doesn't mean that what you have is is broken or is bad.

SPEAKER_00 34:17

To your point, like I haven't ex- When I was getting into the current job that I have, and I thought to myself that becoming a manager in my job was going to make me happy. So I worked and I took on extra tasks, additional tasks, like a lot of people when they're trying to rise within a company. When I became a manager, I was like, oh, is this it? Okay, let me push to become a director and this other stuff. And when that didn't necessarily work out, I thought to myself, is it the pursuit that I'm finding happiness in? Or is it the end goal? And then I changed my perspective. I was like, Terren, are you content with your life? Yeah, are you satisfied? And I was like, Yes. That's where I began to find happiness within me. Instead of looking for these titles, objects like you mentioned. I have a I drive a 2016 car. I'd be lying if I didn't go online and say, okay, what does a 2026 model look like?

unknown 35:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:16

Right? To your point.

A Four-Year Healing Case Study

SPEAKER_01 35:18

It's interesting because I there was a couple years ago where I worked very hard, and I tried to make as much money as I possibly could as a as a family doctor. And I worked more and more hours. I got the biggest paychecks I've ever seen in my life, and I was absolutely miserable. I hated it. And it ultimately led to me burning out and not having any life from myself, not really investing any time in any of my relationships. And I just decided that that wasn't worth it for me. And it wasn't until I scaled right back, took a pay cut, decreased the amount of hours I worked, that that I definitely started feeling happier. And now I'm okay not making the most money or having the the the biggest car or the biggest whatever in in life. I'm okay with that. And I'm really looking to value look look at what the things that I value, whether that be relationships, spending time with my pets, um spending time with my kids, and and really, because those are the things that bring me energy and those are the things that bring me joy. And when you start cutting all of those things out to try and get all the other things that other people have that that you perceive as maybe being better, um, you're you're really cutting out a big part of who you are and does not bring happiness. And I am way happier now that I'm making less money, working less, but doing these passion projects that I love, spending time with my family, spending time with my partner and my pets. Happiness means different things to different people.

SPEAKER_00 37:03

What you described there to me sounds like you're you're more balanced today than you were years ago.

SPEAKER_01 37:09

100%. I may not have as much money to be able to take the trips that I wanted to take or that I was able to take back then, but that's that's okay. I don't feel the need to take those trips because I think I needed the trips so that I didn't burn out or that I would like take a break from work. So all I was really doing was working more so that I can avoid the trips that I would need to take to get away from the work. Um, and now that I'm not stressing out as much with work, I don't find that I need those breaks as much. It's kind of it was something I did not expect from any of that. So let's go back to talking a little bit about relationships. Breakups can be hard. How do we how do we make sure that we're okay weathering through these breakups?

SPEAKER_00 37:53

So when a relationship ends, it's both people's fault. Sure. Right? Both people played a part in that. She's not crazy, he's not a deadbeat, or whatever dynamic you want to do. So how can people navigate when a relationship ending is ending? Is for the most part, let's make it amicable. Right? At one point these two people loved each other, at this point they no longer have the same type of love. It may have changed. They may like each other still, but they're not in love with each other. So the first step is to understand how do you want to exit the relationship. Right? Do you want to be at peace with it? Do you still want to be friends, or is it that you two hate each other and just want to go your separate ways? That is key because then your behaviors after that is going to be important. So if it's an abusive situation, then you may want to get away, involve the police, a support system, and then it's a clean break, and then the conversations after that could be illegal, recorded, whatever. But let's say it's the majority of breakups where two people go their separate ways. One, understand that the relationship, when it ends, it's a moment in time. It doesn't define you as a person. You're not a failure, you're not inadequate, you're not going to be unable to find someone else. It's just for that time period, things were good, things are not so good, and ultimately they have ended. The second thing is to be honest with yourself and self-identify your contribution to this relationship dissolving. What you could have done better, what you could have done differently, what do you did you do well? The third one is take some time for yourself. This is key. So the ladies and men, men specifically now, don't run into the arms of someone else. Stop this friends with benefits, this bedroom bouncing around and and all this nonsense. Take time to heal yourself. And that could be a number of things. That could be take yourself on a date. I love sushi by myself, as we mentioned. Go watch a movie, go to the event. Take time for you. And fourth, under write down, this is key now. The type if you want another relationship, what is it that you want that person to look like? Once you identify what that person looks like, then ask yourself the next question the person you just created, would they want you at that moment in time? The answer should be no, because you still need something to work on. We joke that we're we're both God's gift to this planet, right? But even we need work. Yeah, I don't know if I've said that before. So that's what I would share with people. Take time for you, understand what your contribution was, heal yourself, and identify the type of person you want next and the type of person you're going to be to attract that person.

SPEAKER_01 40:48

How do you how do you help someone figure out if they should be in a relationship or not? Let's say you're in a relationship, you don't know if you should be with this person, you don't know if you should be breaking up with them. What what are some of the red flags? What are some of the things that we should be considering to figure out if this is a healthy relationship for us and if we should be in this relationship?

SPEAKER_00 41:09

First thing, ask yourself, how do you feel?

SPEAKER_01 41:12

Right.

Limiting Beliefs And Vulnerability

SPEAKER_00 41:12

So grab your phone, look at the person's phone number. What is it that you feel?

unknown 41:18

Right?

SPEAKER_00 41:19

Do you feel anxiety? Oh my god, he's calling me again. It's a 10th time. Right? I think. Right. Okay. Right? Feel and then what do you think of this relationship? Right? Because feelings for the most part will come and go. I love him today, I like him tomorrow, so on and so forth. But what are the benefits to you? And I know that sounds bad, everyone, but the relationship has to benefit you. Right? What are the pros, what are the cons? Or in other words, I ask one of my clients this question What deposits are going into you from this relationship, and what are the withdrawals? So deposits could be that she treats me well, she's my piece, I feel safe in her arms, she inspires me. A withdrawal could be that sometimes she gets on me about my cleanliness. Sometimes she I feel like she's nagging me, but it's because of she wants me to do better. Right? So find out how this relationship is benefiting you, and then weigh that as pros and cons or deposits and withdrawals. If you're in the negative more days than you're not, then it may not be for you. And that could be because you're not ready as well for it. Not necessarily the other person. So that's how I'll get them to self-identify.

SPEAKER_01 42:39

I I really like that because it's not always a clear-cut case of uh, you know, this person is an alcoholic, they don't treat me very well, this person hit me. A lot of relationships that were in, you know, were no one's being physically assaulted, no one's being abused. I remember one of the first things that I um realized when I was I was married for 16 years. I texted something like, My husband is a nice guy, why don't I love him? And of course I put that out on, you know, internet. I did a Google search for this. Um, because I guess I didn't really know what else to do. But for me, that was one of the first signs. Maybe there were more withdrawals than there were deposits. So maybe there were more not so great times. It was it was tough because there was nothing really obvious. He's a nice guy. There's you know, he's doesn't really do anything wrong. He's not really there, but he's a nice guy. So why why don't I love him? And for me, that was really the first time that I I recognized that something, maybe I this wasn't the relationship for me. But there was no clear, obvious thing that needed to change. So I really like that idea of deposits and withdrawals and trying to figure out if you're happy more often than you're not happy.

SPEAKER_00 43:57

Yeah, like that, I forget the name of the I think it was a therapist that came up with that um your like emotional bank account and and things of that nature. But I love it because I've been as I look back on some of the relationships of I that I had before this one, I realized that there are a lot more withdrawals and deposits, and that was on both ends. Right? It's like the nice it's like the nice mama or sorry, the nice man or woman that ends up a bad parent. Right? Or the person that, to your point, nice guy, nice woman, but in a relationship it it doesn't work. How many of us have friends out there that are decent people, but you would never be in a relationship with them?

unknown 44:42

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 44:42

Sure. For whatever for whatever reason.

SPEAKER_00 44:45

I I I like that that example too, because I think and you should be congratulated, Angela, for that conversation because that's an honest conversation. It's okay to fall out of love for someone that's a decent man or woman. That's totally fine. Because, and I don't know your specific situation, but there's times where I've been in situations or relationships where I wasn't ready to be loved.

SPEAKER_01 45:08

What's a common myth about healing from heartbreak or grief that you wish people understood or more people knew?

SPEAKER_00 45:16

I wish people knew that it's okay to hurt. It's okay to cry. And I think one of the biggest myths is that you immediately have to replace what you've lost with something else.

SPEAKER_01 45:31

A lot of people don't want to feel that hurt. It's not a comfortable place. It's not a comfortable feeling. And it's easy to put a band-aid over it by rushing to the next thing that makes you feel good. But you really need to figure out what what didn't Work in that last relationship? What were the things that you didn't like? What were the things that you didn't like about yourself? And how do you want to move forward? And how are you going to make those things better in your next relationship? And how are you going to avoid some of those pitfalls? But if you don't take that time to really soak it in and think about it, you're just going to keep making the same mistake over and over and over again.

SPEAKER_00 46:09

Yeah. How can you not repeat an action that you refuse to acknowledge? And that's what happens with heartbreak, right? I'm in pain. Let me grieve the loss of this relationship. Maybe take some time for me. But to your point, we try to replace it too quickly. How many people will break up with someone Monday and then they go work 18 hours on at work the Tuesday?

SPEAKER_01 46:28

I've done that. Just filling up my time so that I don't have to deal with those feelings. Um, because those feelings can be really uncomfortable. And I I keep thinking back to something you said earlier in the in the interview is that when a relationship breaks up, both people are are responsible for for what happened. Not just he's such a jerk, we didn't work out because he was this. We both played a role. And it's really important to recognize the role that you played in that relationship not working out and what you need to do going forward for you to be in a healthy, happy relationship.

Self Love Versus Being Loved

SPEAKER_00 47:05

Yeah, like a lot of times our relationships, depending on the three types, are a mirror, right? And we're seeing what's underneath the surface a lot of times. And for some people that could be scary because accepting the idea that you could have played a role in this is scary for a lot of people.

SPEAKER_01 47:26

In your podcast, you feature a lot of really raw and honest conversations. People pour their hearts out, and and that's that's just a sign that people feel comfortable with you, right? And and you provide this safe place for people to talk about what's going on in their lives. What is something that you've learned from from your guests that's really stuck with you over time?

SPEAKER_00 47:48

One thing I learned, and this is a big one, and always it was for me, because as I mentioned earlier with a religious background, that adultery, cheating, for a number of people isn't a game breaker. That was that was shocking to me because growing up, I was always told that there's two things that will always end a relationship abuse and cheating. When I began to interview guests, I didn't realize how many people I've been able to work through both. And there's one guest in particular where she cheated on her husband, and then out of anger, I believe he cheated to spite her. But unfortunately, sometimes the way the universe works is it's gonna penalize both people, and when he ended up doing it, the girl got pregnant. Right. So now there's a constant reminder of what he did to get back at her and what she did to trigger that. But they worked through that. And that's one big thing I realized that just because it's a game breaker deal breaker for you doesn't mean that it is for everyone else. And I always thought that for most people that was. But my guess I've shown that there's a number of people that work through that.

SPEAKER_01 49:03

That's something I've never had to deal with in my personal life. And um, so you're right, unless you've seen people successfully get through it, or unless you've personally had to go through it, it is hard to imagine how two people can can hurt each other like that and and rebound. But it does it takes a lot of work, but I could see how it it would um be possible because a lot of times when when there's cheating involved, it's because something in the relationship's not working. And if you can work on those things, then then the cheating was really just a byproduct of of those things not working. So there's a lot of hurt that would need to be fixed. A lot of hurt that would need to be repaired. But I could see how how potentially that could work. But I've never that's not something I've ever had to deal with, thankfully.

SPEAKER_00 49:51

Aaron Ross Powell Yeah, it's not the it's not the end all end be all, right? Like cheating to your point, it's a byproduct of something else that is happening in that relationship.

SPEAKER_01 50:00

For someone who's listening right now who feels broken or ashamed, like they their relationship ended or they don't feel worthy of being in a relationship, what's one thing that you want them to know today?

SPEAKER_00 50:12

Your worth comes from you, despite what you may have been told childhood years, teenage years, or as an adult.

SPEAKER_01 50:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 50:21

Value yourself. This is hard for as we get older because and ladies and gentlemen, don't hate me for this, but I love you guys. I truly, truly do. Unfortunately, too many women think their value is primar is primarily tied to their looks. And for a lot of men, their value is primarily tied to their status. Once you shed these things, you will truly understand how value are because they can't contribute or attribute a value to you. If you walk into the room and you think you are worth a billion dollars, because due to inflation, a million is not worth the same amount anymore. You have to present yourself as such. But it starts within the confidence, how you present yourself, and so on. So when it comes to self-worth, always, always create it from within. Make yourself valuable in the way that you want to be valued, not the way that your family, your friends, or society wants you to be.

SPEAKER_01 51:27

And that that one person is gonna find you who wants to love you as you are with your values and your beliefs.

Contentment, Comparison, And Balance

SPEAKER_00 51:34

Yeah, like if you if you're the type of person, like for me, I want someone that is a simple person, very down-to-earth, so I want to make myself valuable to that person. I may not want the CEO or the Fortune 500 lady, right? That may not be my cup of tea. Right? So I'm gonna make myself valuable to what I want, and not try to chase something that maybe is not true to even myself.

SPEAKER_01 52:00

Yeah. Terrain, where can people find you?

SPEAKER_00 52:03

You can find me at www.behindthead.ca. That is my website for my coaching. And for those listening, you will get a free one-hour session. All you have to do is Angela will provide you with the details. You can go from there, or you can watch all of my interviews on Spotify and Facebook.com. Just type in the behind the shades show, and you'll find me all there.

SPEAKER_01 52:28

So one-hour free coaching is incredibly generous, and I really hope that my listeners out there are able to take advantage of it. Go see your website. I've really enjoyed talking to you today, Terrain. I like your perspective, your honesty, even though sometimes it can be sometimes brutal to hear. Um, but I think these are really important messages and they do help build healthy relationships. And having you on the show has been a gift. And I thank you for being here. And I'm glad we were able to find a time that worked for both of us. So I appreciate your time and thank you for being here with us.

SPEAKER_00 53:02

Thank you, Angela. The pleasure is all mine, and thank you for the opportunity.

SPEAKER_01 53:07

And thank you so much for spending time with us today. If the episode resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone who could use a little encouragement. The more of these conversations that we spread, the more people that we can reach together. And remember to follow or subscribe to the podcast. I'm most active on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor and on Instagram at DearAngela Downey. I wish you all a great week as you keep building a relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself. So take care for now. You've got this. Thanks for spending time with me today. I hope something in this episode resonated with you. If it did, hit follow, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs to hear it today. The codependent doctor is not medical advice and doesn't replace speaking to your healthcare provider. If you're in a crisis, please go to the nearest ER or call 911 or reach out to your local mental health helpline. I'll be back here next week with more support, stories, and strategies because we're healing together.