68: Dealing with Chronic Complainers: Why Advice Doesn’t Work

In this episode, we explore the pattern of the help rejecting complainer—the person who repeatedly vents about the same problems but resists every solution. If you’ve ever felt drained, frustrated, or responsible for fixing someone else’s life, this conversation will likely resonate. We unpack why people stay stuck, including fear of change, low self-trust, and the hidden ways attention and connection can reinforce these patterns. We also look at the codependent role many of us fall into—over-giving, over-explaining, and trying harder when nothing changes. Most importantly, this episode offers a shift: how to stop fixing, set healthy boundaries, and support others without losing yourself.

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📗 My Books: Enough as I Am (codependency recovery) Enough as I Grow (365 day guide journal). Affiliate disclosure: I am an affiliate parner with Amazon and therefore receive a commission at no cost to you.

📘 Great Books on Codependency

📙My Favorite books: 

Daring Greatly by Brenee Brown, It Begins With You by Jillian Turecki, Becoming Bulletproof by Evy Poumpouras, The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshmin. 

Affiliate disclosure: I am an affiliate parner with Amazon and therefore receive a commission at no cost to you.

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Transcript

he Same Problem On Repeat

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Have you ever had someone in your life who comes to you with the same problem over and over again? And no matter what you suggest, there's always a reason that it wouldn't work for them. It can be really frustrating. It can drain you of your energy, your time. And if you're someone who really cares, it can leave you feeling a little stuck too. Because you're listening, you're trying, you are showing up, and nothing changes. And for the person who's complaining, they stay stuck in this loop as well. It's the same problem, but different day, going over it again and again. And somehow it never gets resolved. And if I'm being honest, I've been that person too at times. I've been the one who needed to vent, who needed to get it all out. And I could see it in their faces, that kind of deer in the headlights look. Like, what do I even say to this? But no matter what they suggested, I had a reason why it wouldn't work for me. And I didn't see it at the time, but I wasn't actually looking for solutions, I was looking for something else. And that's what we're going to be talking about today. So stick around. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a podcast where we unpack the messy, beautiful journey of healing from codependency. If you're burned out from people pleasing, stuck in unhealthy patterns, or just tired of putting yourself last, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, and I'm here to help you reconnect to your authentic self. One honest conversation at a time. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners, and welcome to the Codependent Doctor Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent who has definitely been given great advice in the past and then immediately explained why it would never work for me. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about the help-rejecting complainer. And before I get into that, I want to take a minute to focus on what we're all grateful for. Because when we pause and think about what we're grateful for, it's going to help our brain focus on what's working instead of what's missing or what's broken. It doesn't mean that we ignore the hard stuff, it just gives us some balance, some perspective. So today I'm going to say that I am grateful for my children. My baby is turning 20 years old. I can't believe it. I don't know where the time has gone. I really don't understand how it's unfolded so quickly. Some days when my kids were growing up, those days would seem to go by so slowly. 100 hours would pass between the time they woke up and when they went to bed. But before I knew it, a year had passed. So I it's shocking to me how quickly the years go by, but the days can go by so slowly. I don't know if that makes any sense, but being a parent definitely had some challenging times, but it also had some pretty amazing experiences in there that I wouldn't trade with the world. And as I'm getting older, time seems to be passing by much too quickly. It's like a roll of toilet paper. As soon as it starts to unravel, and as soon as you get closer to the end, it goes faster and faster. So it's important not to take your days for granted because time will stop for no one. Today's topic is a little bit heavy, but um we're gonna try and get through this. So today we're talking about a help-rejecting complainer. And in really simple terms, this is somebody who asks for help or maybe they're venting repeatedly, but then they dismiss every possible solution. They stay in this loop where they have a problem, they talk about it, they get some relief after talking about it, and then they go right back to the same problem again. And here's the key idea with this: they don't actually want solutions. They want relief. They're looking for validation and connection. It's not really about solving the problem, it's about soothing something that's underneath the problem. And I'm sure we've all encountered this person at some point in our lives. If you've managed to create really good boundaries for yourself, maybe this is just the occasional acquaintance or co-worker, someone that you don't see very often. But for a lot of us, this isn't just a distant person. This is usually a family member, it's a partner, or maybe even our kids. This is the person who keeps you on the phone for hours at a time, complaining about everything that's going on in their life. Maybe they're calling you at 10 p.m. needing a shoulder to cry on for the third time this week. They depend on you to hear their complaints. And sometimes you can't help but offer advice, even when it's not asked for, as we tend to do. But for a lot of the time, they are asking you for advice. They're asking, what should I do? And you start thinking it through. You're putting your time, you're putting effort, you offer something thoughtful, you're normally giving something practical, and then you realize you're probably the third person that they have talked to today about this already. And they've likely heard of all this already, and they've probably thought about it themselves. And still they think of reasons why these solutions would not work. There's always an excuse, their situation is different, they can't do that for some reason. It's just not that simple. And this can be really frustrating because deep down you really care and you're trying hard for this person. You really want to help. But if you're in a close relationship with someone like this, over time you are going to burn out. And if I'm being really honest with you, this person is not going to change, at least not right now. They're not ready because they don't actually want a solution. They want some kind of relief, they want validation, they want connection. It's not about solving the problem. It's about needing you to soothe something just below the surface. And if you don't recognize that, if you keep showing up, trying to fix it, trying to solve it, trying to say the right thing, you're gonna end up feeling completely drained. Like your energy is just being pulled right out of you over and over again. This is the emotional vampire that shows up in our lives. So, what does this actually look like in real life? Because once you see it, you really start to see it everywhere. It might be a friend who's constantly complaining about their partner. You know, he's such a jerk. He did this again, he ignores my text for days, he's always out with his friends. Maybe I keep lending him money and he never pays me back. And you're sitting there thinking, okay, I can work with this. So you offer some kind of advice. You say, Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? If he doesn't change, maybe it's time to leave. Maybe stop lending him money altogether. Like these are really reasonable and practical things that you are putting forth to this person. But this cycle goes on for months and months. It's the same conversation that you're having time and time again, like the same tears, the same cycle. And I remember feeling so pulled into it. I had a friend like this, and it was like it was my responsibility to help her. I was her person, her emotional support person. And over time, I found that I started to disappear in the dynamic of our I wasn't really able to talk about my own life anymore because her problems took up all the space. And I told myself, well, my problems aren't as bad as hers. And that's how it happens. It you just start getting frustrated slowly. It's like one conversation at a time, it sucks the life out of you, and you start carrying something that was never yours to carry in the first place. Or maybe you had like a coworker. I think we've all had this co-worker in our lives. The this is a person who is overwhelmed, they're stressed out, they're drowning in work, and they spend a lot of time talking about it. They're popping by your desk every day, they stop by Sally's desk and then the water cooler, and they're always talking about their issues. They're replaying it time and time again. But when it comes to doing something differently, there's always a reason why it wouldn't work for them. I can't talk to my manager, they don't like me. I can't go to HR, they're useless, or I can't leave, I need benefits. And listen, sometimes there are real barriers, but a lot of the time there's more possibility there than they are willing to see. And we all get pulled into trying to problem solve for them, trying to find the angle they haven't considered, trying to fix something that they're not actually ready to change. Maybe you have a family member. It's this person who calls, and it's always something their health, their finances, their relationships. And you can almost predict the conversation before it even starts, because you've had this conversation with them over and over and over again. You have given them advice, you're offering something gentle, and it immediately gets dismissed or redirected, turned into another complaint. And because it's family, it feels even harder to step back because there's a lot of history there. There's obligation, there's guilt, or maybe we're the problem. I know I've been the complainer before, I know what I should do. I know this isn't working. These are all I've come up with solutions on my own. But there's always this but, and I know I've done this, calling multiple people, telling the same story, looking for validation, wanting someone to understand how hard it felt. But when it came to actually doing something different, whether it be setting a boundary, having a hard conversation, making a decision that might upset someone, I just wasn't ready. And because I wasn't ready, I was staying in this loop. I kept venting instead of changing. My goal for today isn't about judging people, because I know I've done this too. We've all done this, and it's hard not to sometimes. I'd really like to focus more on recognizing and understanding the pattern so that we can step out of it instead of getting pulled deeper into it. So if you're the person who's constantly complaining, you will know how to manage that better in the future. And if you're the person who's having to be on the receiving end of the complaining, you'll know how to protect yourself, how to protect your energy. So let's talk about why this happens. Because on the surface, it looks like resistance, right? It looks like someone who just won't take your advice, who doesn't listen. But underneath, there's usually making changes in your life is hard. There is no doubt about that. You're going against the grain, you're disrupting old patterns, expectations, sometimes even entire relationships. Maybe you don't want to be with your partner anymore, but that's not what your partner wants. And saying that out loud, saying that you want something different, it's gonna create friction. It creates a lot of discomfort. And if you're anything like me, I don't like to disappoint people. I would avoid conflict at all costs. I don't like having people upset with me. And you don't want to be the reason that things fall apart. So instead, you think it's easier to just stay. You end up tolerating bad situations, you try to manage it. I know for me there were times that I felt it was easier to just not rock the boat, and it felt easier for me to carry that discomfort myself. I can handle it, right? I can handle the burden and the being uncomfortable, but I didn't like making other people uncomfortable. Sometimes staying stuck feels safer than risking a different outcome. Because even if you're miserable, at least it's predictable. At least you know what you're dealing with. Change is is unknown, it can be really scary, and the unknown can feel very unsafe. And then there's another layer to this because sometimes staying in the problem actually maybe gives you something. I hate to say it. It might give you some attention, um, it might give you some care, it might give you a sense of connection because when you're struggling, people show up and they listen, they focus on you and they invest their time and their energy into you. And for some people, that can feel like like love. It's not about manipulation, it's not that someone is thinking, I'm gonna stay stuck so people will pay attention to me. But if you're raised in a chaotic and unsafe household, your nervous system is gonna learn that when I'm not okay, people come closer. And if that's been your experience, that can become a pattern. That can become the way that you get your needs met. Also, when you grow up in an environment where you didn't feel love or valued or where you were put down constantly, you learn not to trust yourself. You might get advice on how to proceed from other people, but if you don't fully trust yourself, you're gonna have a really hard time following through on things that you know deep down you need to change, but you don't feel like you have the tools or the strength that you need to do it. Your inner voice says, What if I try and I fail? What if I leave and it's worse? What if this is the best that I'm ever gonna get? What if I'm not actually capable of something better? And when that is running in the background of your mind, it makes sense why someone wouldn't take action, because action feels risky. It exposes you, it makes you vulnerable. And maybe sometimes being the one who is struggling, the struggling one, becomes part of your identity. It becomes part of your story. You start thinking, if things always go wrong for me, if I'm just unlucky, if nothing ever works out, then why would I take a chance? Why why would you even try if you felt deep down that you would fail every time you took a chance? And you're already expecting to fail. These beliefs don't just come out of nowhere. These are learned beliefs. Maybe it comes from your childhood, maybe things that were said to you or all or ways that you were treated. Maybe you were called stupid, being told that you're not good enough, feeling like you had to prove your worth or that you weren't worthy of love, these messages they're gonna stick. They're often so much louder than any of the positive comments you may have gotten. So even when someone offers really good advice, logical solutions, there's a part of you that thinks, what's the point? That wouldn't work for me. So you don't follow through. Your friend is on one end saying, I can't understand why they choose to stay in that relationship, and they're getting frustrated by having to hear these same conversations, and you're not following through because you're frozen by fear. I want to pause here for a really important distinction because not every situation is the same. If someone is in an abusive relationship, leaving is not just emotionally hard. It can be really dangerous. In fact, one of the most dangerous times is when someone decides to leave the relationship because the other person may feel like they're losing control and they have nothing to lose by coming after you now. So if you're listening to this and you're in an abusive situation, your fear is valid. Your hesitation makes total sense. And this is not something you need to figure out alone. It's really important for you to have a plan to reach out to supports, whether that's a shelter, law enforcement, or someone you trust that can help you stay safe. So I want to be really clear. This conversation is not about blaming people for staying stuck, but it's about understanding that there are real and complex reasons why change doesn't happen. And when you start to see those layers, you can approach it with more awareness and a little more compassion for them and for yourself. So if you are on the receiving end of the help rejecting complainer, it can be really tough. Like, really tough. You have become that person, getting emotional phone calls several nights a week, you know, coming to your work desk several times a day, excusing yourself from the dinner table to take phone calls. And you're a caring person. I know you are. You answer the phone, you listen to these complaints, and you're showing up for your friend or your family member or whoever it is. But those conversations, they start to feel like they go in circles. It's the same problems, the same frustrations, the same outcome over and over again. And it can be emotionally draining. It's really heavy, and you can feel that in your body. You might start to feel frustrated, burnt out, maybe even a little apathetic. You might notice yourself thinking, I don't even know what to say anymore. I can't come up with new ideas, or why are we still stuck here? We just had this conversation two weeks ago. And then right behind that, you feel guilty because you care about this person. So instead of pulling back, maybe you lean in even harder. You try more, you come up with more solutions, you re-explain yourself, and you think, maybe I just haven't said it the right way yet. Or if I explain it differently, if I find the perfect words, they're finally gonna get it. So now you're over-giving advice, you're over-explaining, over-supporting, you're over-invested, and slowly, without maybe even realizing it, you start to feel responsible for their change. Like it's somehow your job to fix their situation, to help them see clearly and move forward. And this is where codependency really shows up because helping starts turning into fixing. And fixing sometimes can feel like love, but it comes at a really high cost. It's you're investing your energy, your time, your emotional capacity. And I've been there too in conversations where people do nothing but complain, and it's heavy, it doesn't feel good. You feel bad for them, and you get pulled into the world, into their story, and their drama, and to their emotions, and you try until you're exhausted. Honestly, I'm feeling tired just even thinking about it. It it's so draining. And here's the part that's really important to understand is that this dynamic, it only works because there are two roles being played here. There is the person who feels stuck, and then there's the person who keeps trying to rescue them. And for a lot of us, you know exactly which one you are. We are the helpers, the fixers, the ones who step in, who carry more than we should, who believe that if we just try hard enough, we can make a difference. But this is where we get caught because we confuse helping with being responsible. We confuse caring with overextending ourselves, and we forget that this is someone else's growth. This is someone else's problem. It is not ours to carry or to control. And that is a really hard shift to make in our minds, especially when you've built part of your identity around being the one who shows up, who fixes things, who makes things better. But if you don't start to see this pattern, it will keep pulling from you over and over and over again. When it really comes down to it, there is nothing that you can say or do to make this person change. They are not ready to change. And I know that's hard to hear because part of you wants to believe that if you just say it differently, if I just care a little bit more, try a little harder, maybe this time it's gonna stick, it's gonna land with them. But if they're not ready to change, they're not ready. And there's nothing that you can say or do that is gonna force that readiness. And it sucks because you care and you don't want this person in this situation. You feel for them, you can see the solution so clearly from the outside. It feels obvious. But here's the reality: you have no control over the situation, you have no control over another person, you can't make decisions for them, you can't be the one who goes to their house and breaks up with their boyfriend on their behalf. If they want something different, they have to be the one to move towards it. Now, if they come to you and say, I'm ready, I need help taking the next step, then that's different. That's where support can really be helpful. But if they're not there yet, you're pouring energy into something that you don't have control over. And most of the time, anything you're saying, it's already crossed their mind. They've thought about it. Maybe they've heard the same solutions from multiple different people. They're just not ready to act on it yet because readiness matters more than advice. Insight is not going to equal action, and you can't work harder than someone else to fix their life. This is something that I struggled with a lot as a physician. I would get So invested in my patients. I cared deeply about what was going on with them. I would give advice, prescribe medication, spend lots of time laying out a clear plan, sometimes writing it out. And then I would get frustrated when they didn't follow through. And I had to learn this the hard way. If someone has diabetes, I can talk about nutrition, I can prescribe medications, I can explain all the risks. But if they're drinking two liters of coke every day or not taking their medication, there's nothing that I can do to force that change. But I found myself trying anyway. I would call them to remind them to do their blood work. I would follow up more often than I needed to, almost begging them to take care of themselves. And honestly, I was going a little bit nuts because I was trying to take responsibility for something that wasn't mine. And it wasn't until someone said to me that they have to be responsible for their own health. You can't work harder than them. And that's when it really clicked for me that my role was to provide information, to offer support, to help when it's asked for, but I can't step into someone else's life and try and take over. I can't care more than the other person does. And this is where codependency shows up because as a codependent, I would rush to rescue, I would overfunction. And just overfunctioning is when you take on too much responsibility in your relationships, always fixing problems, managing emotions, or handling tasks that they should be doing for themselves. I have a whole chapter on this in my book, Enough As I Am, if you want to have a better look at that. I just I wanted to be everything to everyone. I liked being the person who fixed things, the one who made it better. I liked being the person that other people turned to, the one who just wouldn't let anything fall apart. And I was exhausted. I was completely exhausted. I had hit a wall because I wasn't taking care of myself anymore. I was so focused on everybody else and everybody else's problems that I had nothing left from myself. And that's the cost of staying in this pattern. You lose yourself in the process, trying to fix something that was never yours to fix in the first place. So for me, I really had to learn to step back. I had to stop taking responsibility for other people's problems. And that was a big shift. Because for a long time, I thought that that's what caring for another person looked like. I thought if I cared about someone, I should be helping them fix things. But stepping back doesn't mean that you're abandoning people. It doesn't mean that you stop caring. It just means that you're not overly invested in an outcome that isn't yours to control. You can still show up, you can still listen, support them, but you're not carrying their problems for them. You're not carrying the weight of their world on your shoulders. And one of the simplest ways that I've done that is shifting from fixing to just listening. Sometimes I'll ask something really straightforward like, do you want advice or do you just need me to listen right now? And that question alone can change the entire dynamic. It's something that my partner and I do a lot, actually. If she's telling me about a bad day, my instinct is to jump in and problem solve. Like, okay, here's what I would do. And I didn't realize for the longest time that that's not what she needed. So now I ask, do you need me to listen or are you looking for advice? And she'll tell me what she needs. And it takes pressure off of both of us. She doesn't have to listen to all my advice that she's not really wanting at that time, and I don't have to think about how I'm going to solve her problems. There's no guessing involved. And she's getting what she actually needs. I've also had to set some really practical boundaries. I had a friend who would call me at 10 p.m. to talk about her day. And I get it, she was having a really hard time. But I started noticing that after those calls, I was a little frazzled. My mind was racing on how I was going to try and solve her issues. I wasn't sleeping well and it was really affecting me the next day. So I had to say something. I told her, I'm really sorry that you're going through a hard time. I really care about you, but I've realized I need to stop taking calls after 9 p.m. because it's really affecting my sleep. And that was really uncomfortable for me, but it was really necessary at the same time. I've also had to create boundaries around being a doctor and what my life would look like outside of work. I had friends who would casually bring up symptoms like urinary tract infections or sore knee or new medications. And I never knew, are we just chatting here or are you actually asking me for some kind of medical advice? And it got to the point where I felt like I was working all the time. So I created some structure around that. And now if someone has a medical question, I've asked them to tell me directly. They say something like, Can you put your doctor hat on for a second? And that was something that I had to teach people. I had to tell them to tell me to put my doctor's hat on because it creates clarity. They're making a conscious decision to ask for help. They know that they're asking for your time and your energy. It's not just something that's casually brought up. And I get to decide if I have the capacity to step into that role. Another thing that I've done is that I ask people to text me during the day and if it's something that they want input on. So if they ask me to put my doctor hat on and I'm too busy having a good time at a party, I'll say, hey, can you text me tomorrow during the day? Because if it really matters to them, then they're going to remember to send the message. And oddly enough, often they don't. So here you're investing all your time and energy into answering their question, and they just had, you know, they didn't really care about the answer too much. They just had a passing question. So this allows me to actually enjoy my evenings without feeling like I'm on all the time. And these are boundaries that I've set for myself so that I can actually feel like I'm living my life, not just constantly showing up for everyone else. And there are lots of ways that you can start doing this in your relationships. Sometimes it starts even before the conversation happens. So just checking in with yourself. How much time do I actually have right now? How much energy do I have? And reminding yourself that you're there to listen, that you're not to fix. So you can do that before a conversation even starts. Then during the conversation, you can ask, do you want advice or do you just need me to listen? And if they say that they just need to vent, then let that be enough. You don't have to jump in with solutions. You might reflect back what you're hearing, saying something like, that sounds really frustrating, and just sit with them in that moment. If they do ask for advice, then you can offer it once. Clearly, simply, and then let it go. You don't need to repeat it five different ways, hoping that it's going to land or that they're going to acknowledge that yes, I will follow through with that. You just say what you need to say and then you you move on. You can also start gently limiting repetition. So if you notice that you're having the same conversation time and time again, you might say, I feel like we've talked about this before. What feels different for you this time? Or I don't have any new advice, but I can listen for a few minutes. Notice I said a few minutes in there. That's really important. You can also set time boundaries. You can say, I only have about 15 minutes to chat, or I can't talk tonight. I hope things settle down for you. Maybe we can touch base tomorrow. Maybe you can redirect things back to them. You can ask something like, what do you feel ready to do about it? Maybe you can ask them, what's one small step that you could take? And sometimes, if it feels appropriate, you can gently name the pattern. You can say, I notice that we've come back to this a lot, and I'm not sure I can help in a way that actually moves things forward. Is there maybe a counselor or someone that you can talk to about this? You need to protect your own energy. You're allowed to change the subject. You're allowed to end the conversation if you're feeling drained. You're allowed to not pick up the phone. If you see someone's calling, it's okay to let it go to voicemail. You're not obligated to pick up the phone or return a text as soon as you get it. That doesn't mean that you don't care for this person. I know you care about them. You have showed up for them time and time again. But it's important to remember that you can still care about them, but you're not responsible for their choices. You can support them without trying to fix them. And sometimes the most loving thing that we can do is to stop trying to fix someone who isn't ready to change, because helping isn't the same as holding it all for them. That is all that I have to say about this today. Thank you for hanging out with me. If you like the episode, I'd love it if you would share it with someone you love who needs to hear it. Heck, share it with the whole world because I would like to help more people out there. I'd also really appreciate it if you would be so kind as to follow me and maybe leave a comment. I'm most active on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor and Instagram at dr Angela Downey. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself. I'm going to talk to you again soon with another episode of the Codependent Doctor. Take care for now. You've got this. Thanks for spending time with me today. I hope something in this episode resonated with you. If it did, hit follow, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs to hear it today. The Codependent Doctor is not medical advice and doesn't replace speaking to your healthcare provider. If you're in a crisis, please go to the nearest ER or call 911 or reach out to your local mental health helpline. I'll be back here next week with more support, stories, and strategies because we're healing together.