69: Stop Earning Love: Healing Codependency in Relationships

In this episode, I open up about something that shaped so many of my relationships — the belief that I had to earn my place in people’s lives. We explore why being needed can feel safer than being loved, how codependency can show up in subtle ways like overgiving, people-pleasing, and always being “the strong one,” and the emotional cost of tying your worth to what you do for others. I share a personal story about burnout, resentment, and loneliness, and how setting boundaries initially felt uncomfortable… but ultimately created space for more genuine, reciprocal connections. If you’ve ever felt like you have to prove your worth to be loved, this episode will help you start shifting from being needed… to being truly seen.

📗 My Books: Enough as I Am (codependency recovery) Enough as I Grow (365 day guide journal). Affiliate disclosure: I am an affiliate parner with Amazon and therefore receive a commission at no cost to you.

📘 Great Books on Codependency

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Daring Greatly by Brenee Brown, It Begins With You by Jillian Turecki, Becoming Bulletproof by Evy Poumpouras, The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshmin. 

Affiliate disclosure: I am an affiliate parner with Amazon and therefore receive a commission at no cost to you.

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Transcript

Needed Versus Loved

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Have you ever noticed that sometimes it feels more comfortable to be needed than it does just to be loved for who you are? Like there's something about being the one that people rely on that just feels a little more secure because if you're helping or fixing and showing up being useful, then you kind of know where you stand. You've earned space in other people's lives. But just being loved, just for being you, no role, no job, no proving, just being you, it can sometimes feel a little unfamiliar or even a little uncomfortable. Because somewhere along the way, a lot of us started to believe that our place in someone else's life was tied to what we bring to it, not just who we are. We show up as the helper, the strong one, the one who has it all together. And we tell ourselves that this is what makes us valuable. But what if your value was never something that you had to earn in the first place? What if you're already pretty awesome, just as you are, no emotional support services required. In today's episode, we're gonna talk about why, as codependents, we often feel like we have to be of service to earn a spot in people's lives. Why being chosen for who you are can actually feel harder to receive than being needed, and more importantly, how to start shifting out of that. So if this is hitting a little close to home, then stick with me. You're not gonna want to miss this episode. Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a podcast where we unpack the messy, beautiful journey of healing from codependency. If you're burned out from people pleasing, stuck in unhealthy patterns, or just tired of putting yourself last, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, and I'm here to help you reconnect to your authentic self. One honest conversation at a time. Here we go. Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners, and welcome to the Codependent Doctor Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, who used to confuse being helpful with being worthy. Like my value was something that I had to earn instead of something that I already had. Before we get into today's episode, I just want to take a minute and think about what we're grateful for, because when we do that, it gently shifts our brain. It helps us focus on what's actually working in our lives instead of everything that feels missing or stressful or not enough. And the other day I had one of those moments in a place that you probably wouldn't expect. I was just grocery shopping, nothing exciting, just walking through the aisles, grabbing the usual things, and I had this thought like, how incredible is it that I can just walk into a store and get almost anything that I need. I don't have to grow my own vegetables or make my own pasta or figure out how to mill wheat into flour. Uh the meat I buy, it's already prepared, already cut, ready to go. If I need a table or chairs, I don't have to build it from scratch. I just go to the store and it's there. And because of that, I get to spend my time doing other things, things that matter to me, things that I enjoy. And now we even have services that will do all of this for us. They'll do the shopping for us and they'll bring it right to your door. It's kind of wild when you really stop to think about it. And it made me feel grateful for all of the people that are behind that, the people growing the food, preparing it, shipping it, stocking the shelves, running the stores, building the things that we use every day. There are all these systems that are quietly working in the background that make our lives so much easier. And honestly, I couldn't be here doing what I do if all of that didn't exist to support me. So today, that's what I'm grateful for. Maybe just take a second, wherever you are right now, and think about one thing in your life that you don't usually stop to appreciate. Just let yourself notice it and then send me a message or an Instagram or Facebook to let me know what you're grateful for. So now let's get to today's episode. Today's topic is a tough one for me because for a long time I really believed that I had to earn my spot in people's lives. And I didn't always realize I was doing it. Sometimes it looked like shape shifting, becoming whoever that person needed me to be in that moment. Sometimes it looked like taking care of everything, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, running errands. I liked being the reliable one. I felt secure in my role as that, the helpful one, the easy one to have around, the good girl in the family who didn't cause a lot of problems and was always helpful. And somewhere in my mind there was this quiet belief that if I do all of this, they're not gonna leave me. They're gonna want me around. So my value came from what I could do for other people, not from who I was. And if I played my role well enough, then I had a purpose. And honestly, that felt safer. It was almost like I was buying my place into someone's life. Like there was this unspoken deal. I'm gonna show up, I will take care of things, and I'll make your life easier. And in return, you're gonna stay. You're you're not gonna leave me. Because if I stop being useful, then what do I have left? So I learned to believe that I matter because I did something for you. And that's very different from where I am today. Although, to be honest, sometimes this new way feels a little less secure and it's something that I need to work on every day. Because now the belief that I'm trying to live from is I matter just because I exist, just because I'm here and I'm already great. I'm here in your life because you choose to have me here, not because of what I can do for you, but because you already think I'm enough, because you enjoy me, because you want me around. And that's a very different feeling. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't contribute. Of course, I still need to help out. I still need to show up in my relationships and do chores, but I'm not doing those things anymore because I think that that's where my worth comes from. I'm doing them from a completely different place, not to earn love, but from a place of already being loved. This isn't gonna be something that just changes overnight. It takes a long time. Takes time to work through your insecurities, to rebuild trust, not just in other people, but in yourself, and to actually build a relationship with yourself that feels solid. And that part, that learning to love yourself, can be so challenging. Because if you've spent most of your life tying your worth to what you do, then being asked to believe that you're worthy just because you exist can feel almost unbelievable. Like, okay, but why? Like, why do you want to be with me? What did what did I do to deserve this place in your life? And there's no clear answer. It can feel really uncomfortable, almost like you're standing on something that isn't stable yet. And that's part of why being needed can feel so much safer, because it gives you this sense of control. Whether it's real or not, it gives you a sense of control. If I'm needed, then I know how to keep this relationship. It's predictable for me. If I keep showing up and helping and fixing, then I don't get left. It also protects you from vulnerability because if you're always doing and always giving and always showing up for someone else, then you never actually have to sit with the discomfort of just being seen, just being who you are. You just keep busy so you don't have to spend time with yourself. You never actually have to sit in the discomfort of just being seen, of being known to someone else, of maybe being rejected for who you are, not for the things that you provide. And over time, this becomes part of your identity. You know, you I took pride in being the one who was strong and who didn't need help from other people. I helped others. I was the one who would hold it together. It can be really hard to step outside of that because you're left asking yourself, well, who am I if I'm not that person? Who am I if I'm not the one who's always helping? And earning your spot in a relationship can take so many different shapes. Sometimes it looks like being the one who organizes everything, right? You're that person who plans all the trips and manages the bills, keeps the household running, not just because of shared responsibility, but because a part of you worries, well, if I don't do this, then things might fall apart, or maybe you won't feel as valued. Sometimes it looks like becoming someone's go-to therapist. You're the person that they call, they vent to, they unload everything, and you're there every time. You feel really needed in that role, but there's also this quiet fear that if I don't pick up that call, maybe they're gonna stop calling, maybe they're gonna find somebody else. So you pick up every time. Sometimes it can be a little bit more subtle. You're always thinking ahead. What do they need? What would make their life easier? So you bring things, you do favors, you fix problems before they even come up. And it feels like love, but underneath that, there's this fear that if I stop doing this, will I still be enough for them? Or maybe you become like the low maintenance person. You don't ask for much, you don't complain, you keep things really easy and agreeable and drama-free because being easy to love feels safer than risking being seen as being too much. Sometimes it can be about fixing their problems to stay connected, or they're struggling and you jump in. And yeah, part of that is care, but part of that is also I'm helping. They need me, and if they need me, they're gonna stay. This uh shows up in all sorts of relationships, not just romantic stuff. It can show up with your kids too. Maybe you're that parent who pays for everything, who always says yes, because part of you worries that if I don't do this, are they still gonna come around? Are they still gonna choose me, want to be with me? So that's when you really need to step back and look at all of this. This isn't coming from a place of weakness, it's not about you doing something wrong, it's about you trying to feel safe, it's about trying to hold on to connection in the only way that you have learned how. But the cost of that is that you end up feeling needed without really being truly seen by anyone. You're the person who's always needed. When you feel like you have to work hard to earn your place, when you feel like you're never quite doing enough to be worthy, you end up working really, really hard. And for a while, it might even feel good. You feel useful and important and needed, but over time you're gonna start to burn out because you're giving more and more of your energy without really taking care of yourself. You're pouring from an empty cup. And the thing is, is that this doesn't usually happen all at once. It's a really slow process, so slow that you almost don't even notice it. You start saying yes a little more often. You start putting your needs off just for now. You tell yourself, I can rest later, I just need to do this right now. But later doesn't ever really come. And eventually, even taking a little bit of time for yourself starts to feel uncomfortable. You decide, okay, I'm gonna try and rest, but you feel selfish for doing that. You feel guilty, like you're dropping the ball, you're letting someone down. And then something else can start to happen, is you start to feel resentful. And this is the part that can be really confusing because on the outside it looks like you're just being helpful, but on the inside, you're exhausted. I remember um I was getting text messages all the time from people asking for medical advice, all hours of the day. And at first I felt really honored, like, wow, these people, they trust me, they're coming to me for for my knowledge, but over time it started to feel like a lot. Then I had this realization that most of my text messages that I would get on a daily basis, they they weren't people who were checking in on me or people who wanted to hang out with me. They weren't saying hi or asking how I was doing, they just needed something. And I remember thinking, I have never felt so lonely. I keep getting these text messages, but I feel lonely because it started to feel like people only wanted me for what I could do for them, not because they actually wanted a connection with me. And slowly I started to resent it. I started to resent the messages, I started to resent people needing things from me. And so I swung the other way. I didn't want to do anything for anyone anymore, and that felt really lonely too, because now the messages just stopped. And I was sitting there in this really uncomfortable space, realizing how much of my connection with people had been built on being needed. I kind of felt a little invisible and like nobody cared about me. I had set some boundaries, and at first it was quiet, like really quiet, like crickets kind of chirping in the background. And that can feel really scary because when you stop overgiving, it can feel like you're losing people. But a lot of the time these are people who are just, I don't want to use the word using you, but these are just these are people who are enjoying having you around because you work so hard for them. But over time, I started to build relationships with people who wanted to be around me just because. Not because I was doing something for them, not because I was solving their problems, but just because they enjoyed me. And when I stopped trying to earn my place in other people's lives, I finally had the space and the time to connect with people who were okay with my boundaries, people who didn't need me to overextend myself in order to stay. And that's the shift. It might feel quieter at first, but but it's also a lot more real. So maybe this is where you can start, not by changing everything overnight, but just by getting curious. Start by looking at your relationships and not just what they look like on the outside, but how they feel on the inside. Do you feel calm, supported, and at ease, or do you feel overwhelmed, drained, or maybe a little resentful, maybe even burnt out? And if you're feeling that way, just pause for a second. This isn't a time to judge yourself. Um, I never want you to do that. Just get curious. You're not doing anything wrong, but this is just a time to ask, like, why? Is it possible that you're giving a lot more energy to others than you are to yourself? Are you the only one who is always showing up and helping, always adjusting, always making things work? And then you really sit with that for a minute. Does it feel balanced to you? This is where you can start to notice am I overgiving? And overgiving doesn't always look dramatic. Sometimes it's just those small, constant ways that you put yourself last. Saying yes when you're tired, reapplying when you need a break, showing up when you don't really have the capacity. So one small place to start is to actually give yourself permission to do a little bit less, to rest, to take some time to do nothing, and I mean literally nothing. Not being productive, not catching up on things, but just resting. And then notice what comes up for you. Do you feel calm or do you feel a little uncomfortable maybe? Do you feel guilty like you should be doing something, like you're letting someone down or wasting time? That feeling right there is really important because it tells you how much your worth has been tied to doing things. Another small step is to let someone help you. And I know that this can be really uncomfortable. It's something I struggle with all the time. You might think it's easier just to do it yourself, but try it anyway. Ask for help with something small and let show on let someone show up with you. And then just notice how does that feel? Do you feel relieved? Do you feel awkward, like you owe them something, or now you have to pay them back in in some fashion? This isn't about suddenly becoming someone who never gives. You're a caring person. That's not the problem. It's about creating a little bit more balance, like letting yourself receive, not just give. That's what's important, relationships, right? They are reciprocal. So let yourself take up space. Don't just hold it for everyone else. And most importantly, starting to remind yourself that you don't have to earn your place in someone's life. You don't have to prove your worth. You already have that. Being needed can feel really good, but it's not the same as being truly seen. And learning to let yourself be loved without earning it. That might be one of the hardest and most important parts of healing. Thank you for hanging out with me today. If you like the episode, I'd love it if you would share it with someone you love who needs to hear it. Heck, share it with the whole world. I would love to help more people out there. I'd also really appreciate it if you would be so kind as to follow me and maybe leave a comment. I'm most active on Facebook at the Codependent Doctor and Instagram at Dear Angela Downey. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself. I'm going to talk to you again soon with another episode of the Codependent Doctor. Take care for now. You've got this. Thanks for spending time with me today. I hope something in this episode resonated with you. If it did, hit follow, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs to hear it today. The Codependent Doctor is not medical advice and doesn't replace speaking to your healthcare provider. If you're in a crisis, please go to the nearest ER or call 911 or reach out to your local mental health helpline. I'll be back here next week with more support, stories, and strategies because we're healing together.