71: The emotional hangover after setting a boundary

In this episode of Codependent Doctor, we unpack the emotional hangover that can show up after setting a boundary, especially when guilt, fear, or second-guessing rush in afterward. We explore why discomfort does not mean you did something wrong, how to stay grounded after protecting your needs, and how to build trust in yourself as you practice healthier patterns.

📗 My Books: Enough as I Am (codependency recovery) Enough as I Grow (365 day guide journal). Affiliate disclosure: I am an affiliate parner with Amazon and therefore receive a commission at no cost to you.

📘 Great Books on Codependency

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Daring Greatly by Brenee Brown, It Begins With You by Jillian Turecki, Becoming Bulletproof by Evy Poumpouras, The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshmin. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:44

No one really prepares you for what happens after you set a boundary. We talk a lot about finding your voice, speaking up, standing up for yourself, but we don't talk about that moment later when you're sitting alone and your mind starts racing. You start questioning everything. Was I too much? Did I overreact? What if they're upset with me? And suddenly, instead of feeling proud of yourself, you're feeling uncomfortable, really uneasy, like you did something wrong. And that feeling has a name. I call it the emotional hangover. And if you've ever experienced that strange mix of relief and regret at the same time, this episode is going to help you understand exactly what's going on.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Welcome to the Codependent Doctor, a podcast where we unpack the messy, beautiful journey of healing from codependency. If you're burned out from people pleasing, stuck in unhealthy patterns, or just tired of putting yourself flat, you're in the right place. I'm Dr. Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent, and I'm here to help you reconnect to your authentic self, one honest conversation at a time. Here we go.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

Hello to all my wonderful podcast listeners, and welcome to the Codependent Doctor Podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Angela Downey, a family doctor and fellow codependent. Today's episode, we're going to be focusing on the emotional hangover that comes after setting a boundary. Before I start today's episode, I want to take a minute to focus on something simple. What we're grateful for. Because when we actually stop and think about what we're grateful for, it shifts our brain. And today, I'm grateful for my vehicle, my car. And I'm bringing this up for a very specific reason, which I'm going to be getting into in a minute. But for now, I just want to say this. I love the freedom that my car gives me. I worked really hard for it. It costs me money. And I genuinely appreciate what it does for me. It gets me to work quickly, it helps me carry groceries, it lets me travel, go camping, and get out of the city. It gives me a lot of independence. And because of that, I take care of it. It gets regular maintenance. I don't misuse it. I respect it. And that's important for what I'm about to share today. Because earlier this week, I had to set a boundary with someone that I love. And I'm not going to name who it is, but I will say that it was really hard for me to set a boundary with this person. This person borrowed my car for what was supposed to be a two-hour event. And then they went out with friends. They drove around for a few hours, they were out late. And let's just say they were up to things that I would never have agreed to. And the hardest part was that they weren't honest about it when I questioned them about it later. I had lent my car for one thing, and it ended up being used for something completely different. And that just didn't sit right with me. It made me really uncomfortable. And I knew that if I was going to continue lending my car to this person, something would need to change. So I decided I was going to set a boundary. I said that I wasn't comfortable with the car being used after 10 p.m. And at least we could rebuild some trust with time. And even saying those words took a lot of courage. It might sound simple to some people, but if you're someone like me who struggles with boundaries, you know exactly what I mean. The conversation itself went actually really, really well. They completely understood. They didn't argue. They said that they respected my decision. And you would think that that would be the end of it, but it wasn't. Because I spent the rest of that evening feeling kind of gutted. I kept second-guessing myself and telling myself that maybe it wasn't that big of a deal, and maybe I should have just let it go. Maybe I'm being too strict or too controlling. Maybe I should be more supportive of them wanting to spend some time with their friends. And that feeling, it stayed with me for hours. And I kept thinking to myself, you're being ridiculous. But the next day, that boundary actually got tested. Um, they came home with the car at 11:30 at night. I had been at a wedding and they knew that I wouldn't be home until after midnight. So I don't think they expected me to notice. And suddenly this wave of frustration came over me because now I had a decision to make. I had to, you know, do I follow through? Do I enforce this boundary? Do I give a consequence? And honestly, I was angry that I had even been put in that position because it would have been so much easier to just let it go. And then I wouldn't have to be worrying about this stuff. Why was it that I was needing, you know, I was uncomfortable trying to set this boundary, deciding if I should do it? It was uncomfortable delivering the news that I was giving a boundary, and then to be tested put me in the same situation again. I had that same feeling, that same heaviness, that doubt, and this voice that's telling me, it's not like I was even using the car that night. So what does it really matter? And this right now is what I call the emotional hangover. It's the emotional aftermath of doing something that goes against any of your old patterns. Because here's the thing about me I am a people pleaser, I'm a caregiver, an overgiver. I like helping people, I like being the one that other people can rely on. And in the past, I wouldn't have said anything. I would have just sat with it and I would have felt resentful and maybe taken advantage of. It would have replayed in my head, but I wouldn't have said anything because for me, it was always easier to just let myself be uncomfortable than to risk making somebody else uncomfortable in the process. So yeah, I was proud of myself for setting the boundary, but afterwards I felt guilty. Like they need the car. It's cold outside, the bus isn't running very often. I felt really anxious. What if they're mad at me? What if this changes things between us? I overthought the entire conversation. I replayed it over and over, wondering if I could have said something differently. And part of me honestly just wanted to take it all back because my nervous system was basically screaming, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, this isn't what we do. We try to make everybody feel comfortable. We keep the peace. We don't like rocking the boat, even if it means that we get put out in the process. And after that boundary was tested, I did set a consequence. I said that they wouldn't be able to use the car for the next two days. And even that was hard because the next day it was really cold. Um, and as they were getting ready to walk to the gym, they kept mentioning how far it was. The sidewalks weren't great, and now there's puddles from the melting snow, and that day it was cold, so now things are icy. And I could feel myself wanting to just cave in. I wanted to say, you know what, just take the car. I wanted to take it all back and make things simple again, but I didn't. And I sat with that discomfort, and I let them walk. And I remember thinking, there is something a little ironic about complaining about walking to the gym so that you can go work out. You know, underneath all that, I was feeling really uncomfortable. And that discomfort, that lingering guilt, anxiety, and second guessing, that emotional hangover that comes after setting a boundary, that is what we're going to be talking about today. Up to this point, you've likely lived your life being a really nice person. And if you're anything like me, you avoid conflict as much as possible. You are that reliable person. You don't like being a burden to anyone else. You don't like causing any problems. You're the easy one, the helpful one, the one that people can count on. And because of that, when you set a boundary, it can feel like you're doing something really wrong, even when it's actually really healthy for you. It doesn't feel like self-respect. It feels like you're being difficult. Maybe it feels like you're being selfish or mean. And that's where a lot of this discomfort starts. Your brain starts equating discomfort with danger. So when something feels uncomfortable, your body doesn't go, oh, this is gross. It says something is wrong. Because if you think about it, our brains are wired for belonging. And historically, being part of a group kept us safe. And anything that created friction in that group, you risk rejection, and rejection meant real danger. So you learn to keep the peace and to smooth things over. This is just part of evolution. We learn to stay quiet when something didn't feel right or to work even harder to make other people feel okay, because deep down, it feels unsafe when people don't like us. So when you set a boundary, your body reacts like something bad is happening, even if nothing is actually happening. And on top of that, you're probably not used to prioritizing yourself. So when you're faced with a situation that feels uncomfortable, and then you actually consider putting yourself first, it can feel really selfish, even if it's completely reasonable, even if it's absolutely necessary. And that doesn't come from nowhere, that comes from years, sometimes decades, of putting other people first, of being praised for being easy and helpful and accommodating, or of learning that your needs come second. And when you try to shift that, it feels wrong. Not because it's wrong, but because it just it's unfamiliar. And there's another layer to all of this that I think is really important to bring up, and that it's that a lot of us take pride in being really nice, and that becomes who you are. So when you set a boundary, it doesn't just feel uncomfortable, it can feel like you're betraying who you are, like you're becoming someone else. And that's really an unsettling feeling because now it's not just about the situation, it's about your identity, and that's why something that seems small on the outside can feel really big on the inside. So, no, it's not that the boundary is wrong, it's that this is something new, and your brain and your body are still trying to catch up with that change. Setting a boundary is really tough. Okay, we've talked about how it doesn't just stop there, you still need to live with the aftermath. And part of that aftermath is sitting with the fact that you may have disappointed someone. If you tell a friend, hey, I can't take calls late at night anymore, you already know how that's gonna land. That wasn't their plan. They still want access to you, they don't want things to change. And even if they say that they understand, you still feel it. There's there's this shift, and it can leave you feeling kind of hollow, right? Like something is wrong. And then your mind starts going, was I too harsh? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, maybe they're upset with me. Should I text them and explain myself better? I don't want them to think I'm selfish. And that's the part that really gets people. It doesn't feel empowering, it can feel really uncomfortable. It actually feels a lot like the morning after drinking too much. You wake up and you're like, okay, what did I say? Did I do something wrong? Do I need to fix something? You'll get that uncomfortable, uneasy feeling, even if you actually didn't do anything wrong. And because it feels so uncomfortable, there's this pull to go back to your old habits because you know those habits are gonna bring relief. You know that if you just smooth it over, take it back, make the other person feel better, that unpleasant feeling that's inside of you is gonna go away. And that's where we can get into a lot of trouble because the emotional hangover makes you want to trade your peace for immediate relief. So, what do we do? We try to relieve the discomfort. We over-explain to the other person why we have to set the boundary. We apologize for setting the boundary. Maybe we're gonna soften it, we backtrack a little bit, we make some concessions, and before we know it, we're not holding the boundary anymore. It's gone. That fence, that wall that we've built is just crumbling. And at this point, we are actually managing the other person's feelings instead of our own. We're trying to soothe that person instead of sitting with the discomfort that we're feeling. And I did this all the time when I first started setting boundaries. I would build up all this courage and say what I needed to say. And by the end of the conversation, I had basically taken it all back. Sometimes because I felt uncomfortable, sometimes because the other person pushed back just a little bit and I didn't know how to hold my ground. And I've seen this show up in bigger ways too. I have actually broken up with partners for very real and valid reasons. And then during the conversation, I would get sucked back in. You know, they try and explain their behavior, they'd promise that things would change, and suddenly I'd start to question myself. Maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I should give it another chance. And then next thing I know, we're staying together again, maybe for a few more weeks, maybe a little bit longer, until I find myself in the exact same place again. And I'm needing to build that courage all over again. That cycle can be really exhausting. And if I'm really honest, the hardest part for me wasn't even the decision. It was knowing that I had disappointed somebody else. That feeling was the hardest thing to sit with until I started to see it a little bit differently, until I realized that the discomfort that I was feeling wasn't a sign that I had done something wrong, but it was a sign that I was doing something different, something that needed to be done. And just because it felt bad didn't mean that it was bad. It just meant that it was something new. And my system, it was still learning how to handle it. Because that uneasy feeling that you get after setting a boundary, that's actually part of rewiring your nervous system. Your nervous system has learned over time that conflict is dangerous, so it avoids it at all costs. It avoids discomfort, it tries to keep the peace. Didn't come from anywhere. That's how you survived most of your life. That's how you got through your childhood experiences, the difficult relationships or environments where it didn't feel safe to speak up. You adapted and you learned that it was safer to stay quiet, to just go along and not rock the boat. But now that same pattern that once protected you is starting to hurt you. Because when you don't have boundaries, people are gonna likely take advantage of you. They can walk all over you, and that doesn't feel good either. So now you're in this place where you're trying to change, but your nervous system just it hasn't caught up yet. So when you set a boundary, your body reacts like there's a real danger, even though there isn't. Your body needs to learn to sit with that discomfort, and you need to gently reassure yourself that you didn't do anything wrong. This is just a really unfamiliar feeling, but it's not a bad one. Changing patterns, it does come with a cost. And I think it's really important to say that out loud because we often talk about boundaries like they're this magical fix, and they can be, but there are consequences. It can cost you your sense of peace in the short term, but sometimes it can also cost you your relationships. And that's a hard truth. If you're in a relationship, whether that's romantic or a friendship with someone who benefited from you not having boundaries, then there's a real possibility that if you do start setting boundaries, that they're not gonna like the new version of you. If they liked you because you were easy and accommodating, you took care of them and you didn't push back, they're gonna struggle with these changes. And some people just they're not gonna stick around, and that can be really painful. But it also asks an important question: was that relationship actually healthy for you? Or was it built on you abandoning yourself? And just because you're ready to grow, it doesn't mean that everyone else around you is ready to grow. And part of this process is accepting that. It's trusting that you know what is right for you, even when it feels uncomfortable, even when it leaves you lonely at times. Maybe your partner has left as a result. And the more you practice setting boundaries, the easier it is gonna get for you. But not because the situation changes, but because you start to trust yourself more. And I want to say this: you don't have to do this alone. Having support is gonna make a big difference here. Maybe it's the support of a counselor, maybe it's a trusted friend, someone who can help you reality check in those moments where you're second guessing everything because you're gonna need that reassurance at times. So, what do you actually do when you're in that emotional hangover? When you've set a boundary and now you feel awful. The first thing is just to name it. This is just an emotional hangover. I am going to be okay. The second thing is don't act on impulse. This is not the time to send that follow-up text message, it's over-explaining yourself or softening what you said. Just give it a minute. Let that feeling settle down. And the third thing you can do is just ground yourself. Come back and remind yourself why you set the boundary in the first place. There was a reason that you did this. And you need to trust that version of yourself that felt like that boundary needed to be there. You had taken some time for yourself, you had clarity in that moment, and you need to trust that you made the right decision. And let other people have the reactions. If they're upset, disappointed, frustrated, that's okay. That's their feelings to process. You're not punishing them. You're taking care of yourself, and that's okay. Punishing others and taking care of yourself are two very different things. You just need to give this time. Emotions are gonna settle, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment. And this is really important is to remember that feeling bad after setting a boundary is not something that you need to fix. You just need to not abandon yourself in that whole process. Because what you're doing here isn't just setting a boundary, you're changing roles, you're letting go of an identity that you may have carried for a really long time, whether it be the good girl, the easy one, the accommodating one, the new the one who never makes things difficult. And there can be a grief in that because that version of you, it helped you survive. But you don't need that version of you in the same way anymore. And if that role is hurting you, it's okay to outgrow it. It's okay to become someone who takes up a little bit more space. It's okay to change, and it's okay to not have everybody like you. It's okay to not be the dependable one for everybody else. You can take care of yourself and you can prioritize yourself. So if you're listening to this and thinking, why does this feel so hard? Why does it feel so heavy? Just know that it is normal and you're not doing anything wrong. You're just doing something different now. Setting boundaries doesn't always need to feel super empowering right away. It will eventually, but for now, it might feel really uncomfortable and messy and you're doubting yourself, but that doesn't mean that you did it wrong. It just means that it's going to take some time for things to start feeling better. Thank you for hanging out with me today. If you like the episode, I'd love it if you would share it with someone who needs to hear it and heck, share it with the whole world. I would love to help more people out there. I'd also really appreciate it if you would be so kind as to follow me and maybe leave a comment. I'm most active on the codependent doctor on Facebook and Instagram at dr Angela Downey. I wish you all a great week as you learn to foster a better relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself. I'll talk to you again soon with another episode of the Codependent Doctor. Take care for now. You've got this.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

Thanks for spending time with me today. I hope something in this episode resonated with you. If it did, hit follow, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs to hear it today. The codependent doctor is not medical advisor.