Interview w/ Ryon Talbot: Breaking the Cycle of Trauma to become Healthy and a Good Dad

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Transcript

Welcome and Introductions

Speaker 1 0:00

Welcome to Dad , bods and Dumbbells . My name is Mitch . Hey , I'm Bart . Thanks so much for listening , liking , subscribing and sharing . We love you guys very much , and we would like to thank our sponsors , solution Pharmacy , as well as our premium membership . We just received a special request from one of our premium members and I'd like to officially say that Bart is willing and ready to send you whatever you would like , because that's what we give premium members a special special . I'll give him your phone number . Yeah , he'll just text you .

Speaker 2 0:30

So this is a special member , somebody who is very closely connected with Mitch . He's asked for some inappropriate footage of something that we're not going to actually be able to do .

Speaker 1 0:45

Well , bart likes to work out that way , yeah .

Speaker 2 0:48

So we're going to say to our premium members thank you .

Speaker 1 0:53

We love you .

Speaker 2 0:54

We can't send you dick pics . Yeah , no dick pics In general that's kind of where we have to draw the line . The wives have said probably not the right idea , not the right move , but thank you , mark , for signing up .

Speaker 1 1:05

And that's not really what we want to give premium members anyway , because it's not super premium anyway , uh , back to the podcast . Bart speak for yourself .

Ryan's Childhood in Caldwell, Idaho

Speaker 1 1:16

Well , today we have a special guest . His name is Ryan Talbert . Thank you so much , talbot . Ryan Talbot Thanks so much for being here , sir . Thank you .

Speaker 2 1:24

Thanks for having me All right . Well , ryan and I are friends from the gym . Ryan is a personal trainer at Lifetime Fitness at the Arboretum . Been a trainer for 20 plus years , 21 years , 21 years and just an incredible guy , not just as an athlete fitness enthusiast himself super fit but also a father and somebody who really understands the space of training longevity and things like that . So lots to go into with you , ryan . First of all , thanks for coming to my home .

Speaker 3 1:56

Thank you .

Speaker 2 1:56

I'm looking forward to this so deep dive . Let's start , though , with some personal stuff . Tell us about where you grew up and some of the struggles you had growing up .

Speaker 3 2:06

I grew up in a small town just outside of Boise it was Caldwell , idaho . It's about 30 miles west of Boise and I spent the majority of my life there , probably a good 14 years , and from elementary school all the way through high school . During that time I just grew up in a regular middle class neighborhood . We I played sports , I played football , played basketball , ran track and then gravitated mostly just to running specifically mostly just to running specifically . Pretty normal childhood other than just some regular family dynamics that had some challenges .

Speaker 2 2:54

And you're a dad . So I think it would be interesting to go into the dad side of this . What was your relationship like with your dad and how did that impact you Like becoming an athlete and kind of becoming driven , motivated to kind of do what you did ?

Speaker 3 3:11

Uh , you know that that is , uh , pretty much what defines me as my relationship with my dad . Um , and that is , um , it was definitely , uh , challenging and oftentimes confusing and , for the most part , a very difficult childhood , despite all the things that we had . From the outside , it looked like everything was fantastic , but really I grew up under pretty intense situations , and a lot of that has to do with the fact that my dad abused alcohol and we owned a business that actually operated with an alcohol license , and so there was always alcohol available at our place of business .

Speaker 2 4:15

Is that a restaurant , a bar , believe it or ?

Speaker 3 4:16

not .

Growing Up in the Family Bowling Business

Speaker 3 4:18

My grandfather built back in the day around 1962 , was forced out of farming and built a bowling center .

Speaker 1 4:27

Oh cool .

Speaker 3 4:28

And attached to it at the time was a restaurant . Well , over several years , my dad eventually took over that business and converted the restaurant into a bar like a bar , slash restaurant .

Speaker 2 4:52

And then , of course , the bowling center . So the bowling center stayed , and then you kind of had this nightlife where you'd come bowl .

Speaker 3 4:56

hit the bar , yes and we were running cocktail waitresses back then they were called cocktail waitresses . We ran them out to the bowling center , called cocktail waitresses , ran him out to the bowling center and , uh , my sister and I um worked the business from the time we were um very young about even before my daughter's age I was , you know , I was working the business and interfacing with customers and , yeah , and just doing tasks the family thing , you know .

Speaker 1 5:22

You know , starting out your story is starting out a lot like david goggins's yeah , I know that's what I was like , because they own like what was it a skating no roller skating rink with a bar , and then it got into prostitution and all this .

Speaker 3 5:34

But yeah so . But anyway , let's , I'm nowhere near as crazy as that guy . Plus I I don't have a filthy mouth like he does either .

Speaker 1 5:41

So that's so funny well , okay , so so how long ? Uh tell me about the . So how long did you guys keep the business ? Did you , you guys sell it and move on , or how did that end ? So my dad ?

Speaker 3 5:51

operated it . My dad took it over in the um 80s , which was um the late 70s , early 80s , which was part of the reason why we moved from the state of washington , which is where my dad met my mother .

Speaker 2 6:03

And you're 53 .

Speaker 3 6:06

I'm 53 .

Speaker 2 6:07

Just for clarity on people that are listening . He's 53 , so 80s , you know he's .

Speaker 3 6:11

Well , I'm almost 53 . I like to say I'm 53 . I really am .

Speaker 2 6:15

But yeah , in the 80s you're probably 10 to 50 , that kind of prime . We moved to Caldwell when I was about five . We moved to .

Speaker 3 6:25

Caldwell , when I was about four or five , I think four . So , 1977 . My grandfather operated the business for almost two decades , and then my dad eventually took it over Got it .

Speaker 2 6:39

So , coming back to the original question , the dynamics of your dad , he's running the ship . He's making the money . The whole family , dad . Yes , he's running the ship . He's making the money . The whole family's helping out .

Speaker 3 6:48

Yes , he's got a bar with the bowling alley and then he's drinking and that's affecting everything about how you and him so he would tell you that him interacting with customers , particularly in the bar area , was him working Like I'm working , when really he was just in there drinking and then he was still managing the business and , you know , working his wife and working as kids in the business .

Speaker 2 7:20

Right . So instead of having a , you know , you had a situation where you had to play certain roles . Yes To appease your father's .

Speaker 3 7:30

At all times . Yes , and if things went wrong at work , then things went wrong at home . Oh , so there was no separation . Yeah , that's a bummer . Yeah , so Go ahead .

Speaker 1 7:42

So tell me about kind of the transition when you started realizing that . Hey , this isn't a .

Speaker 3 7:51

This isn't probably the most normal childhood , or , or that things were a little off . Uh , it was awkward to have friends over at the house , um , and because my dad was always kind of a little bit off , um , just really aggressive and not real nice to me and um , but what made my , what made these friendships really special to me and long lasting , was the fact that they , they understood kind of what I was going through and they didn't judge me based on that and they didn't , they , they , they remained my friends because they also had parents that were similarly no like , I think no , I think that they just kind of accepted .

Speaker 3 8:30

They liked me , they liked me as a person , despite what was going on around me , and were still willing to to to come over to my house and hang out , because there there was a lot of things to do at my house . My house was a fun place , like I said , from the outside , looking in , it looked like like oh , he's got it , he's got a very blessed childhood .

Speaker 2 8:51

Yeah .

Speaker 1 8:52

Um so so was there a pressure for you , as the son , to take over the business ? Did you resist that ? How ? What was that like ?

Speaker 3 8:59

I I said from the get go , this is never going to be something that I'm going to do . I'm never going to take over this business .

Speaker 1 9:07

I don't even like to bowl .

Speaker 3 9:11

Not that many people do Well and my folks made me do junior league , and if you did junior league as a young person , you were basically a nerd . Yeah yeah , you had junior league on Saturday mornings and , um , my friends used to give me a hard time about getting making sure that I got home in time so that I could go bowling .

Speaker 2 9:34

So that's not the coolest sport Basketball , football track a little cooler .

Speaker 3 9:40

I like to pretend that I've never bowled before in my life . And then people say , hey , let's go bowling . And then I just like , am I supposed to knock the pins ?

Speaker 1 9:46

down every single time . Yeah , that's funny . Why didn't you get a strike ?

Speaker 3 9:49

I got a strike .

Speaker 2 9:50

Okay . So , and one of the things I was thinking about and it was , and it was actually a podcast Joe Rogan was talking to Taylor Kitsch . He does a bunch of Navy SEAL stuff . They were talking about fathers and Taylor's father was alcoholic and not around A lot of things that could put trauma and transfer trauma into the kid . One of the things that Rogan said is it's only been about 30 years that we've started to figure out how not to bring like how to create a family unit that isn't just about a dominating , domineering father , and everyone is like walking on eggshells .

Speaker 2 10:35

All the time , all the time and how that just changes the brain chemistry of a kid and doesn't allow them the opportunity to like , make mistakes or play , or just have a personality that is , that is unique to them it's all based on , like , dad's approval , you know , and that's that's .

Speaker 2 10:54

and I , I , I can , you know , relate because , uh , you know , it's just it's . You know , we grew up and things were just the way they were and my dad brother rebelled

Breaking the Cycle of Conditional Love

Speaker 2 11:06

and , you know , became problematic and showed a lot of signs of not doing well , and I was kind of in the corner , I'm like hey guys .

Speaker 2 11:15

I'm not doing well either Anyone notice , you know but like that's the trauma being passed along . And here we are as dads and it's our job to not pass the trauma to our kids . And so , looking back on what your father and that relationship was like , how is that put or instilled in you , how you chose and choose to be a dad and how you choose to parent your daughter .

Speaker 3 11:49

I don't apply conditions to my daughter .

Speaker 2 11:53

Explain that what that felt like as a kid , and then what you're trying to do . How old is she ?

Speaker 3 11:59

She's 14 . Okay , my dad had this unique ability to give me things , and then when I did something that was disrespectful in his eyes or he didn't like , then these things were taken away . And sometimes the things that were taken away had really nothing to do with the behavior that he didn't like .

Speaker 2 12:27

Like he'd give you a toy and then he would like you mess up and he I'm taking this away .

Speaker 1 12:32

Yeah , he told it .

Speaker 3 12:33

Sometimes it had nothing to do with . Most of the time it had nothing to do with whatever he gave me . Yeah , it was nothing logical about it .

Speaker 1 12:39

Yeah .

Speaker 3 12:40

And this went from toys to vehicles to housing . You're in our house Now you can go . I'm kicking you out To hey , I'm paying a portion of your school and you came home for break and I'm mad at you and I'm yanking that out from you as well .

Speaker 1 13:03

Yeah , very narcissistic tendencies , very it was just you never knew .

Speaker 3 13:07

So I spent the majority of my childhood and and and part of my adulthood , uh , really really trying hard to make sure that I did everything perfectly so that he wouldn't wouldn't take things away from me or get upset at me , because sometimes my dad would say things to me that way that would it was almost like I was . You know , he never physically beat me , I mean spanked me pretty severely when I was a little guy , but he would say some things to me that would almost , almost were worse than actually hitting somebody . Yeah , I mean some . He would say some really awful things to me .

Speaker 1 13:50

Yeah , the thing about the the abuse side , I think we kind of it seems like we're now we're starting to understand verbal emotional abuse is actually somewhat more traumatic than a physical Cause . At least we can say that , oh , I got beat up or I got hit . I mean that's horrible . But also the implications of the verbal emotional abuse that you had over time . I mean , when did you process that ? At what point did you kind of come to the conclusion that , hey , all the things that I've been told throughout my life and everything that I've built my identity on are were coming from an abusive father ? That's a great question .

Speaker 3 14:26

I , when I went to college , I went into the field of psychology and child development and in my mind , in my , in my 18 , 19 year old mind , back in those days , it was I'm going to save these , these children . When really , in hindsight looking back , I was actually going into that field and study to save myself because , as I was taking these classes , I had come to that realization that that that I was who I was , based on my development into my late teens .

Speaker 2 15:08

And it also , you know , I think , to give ourselves anybody who's gone through something like this to give yourself credit . You've developed some superpowers because of how aware you are of somebody like that , somebody like that . You like that your entire . You just develop these keen senses around like other people's .

Speaker 3 15:30

Two things one is I'm ultra sensitive to , on how people perceive me . Okay , so that's , that's the first thing , almost overly , overly more than you want .

Speaker 3 15:43

Hyper hypersensitive . I could come into work and my boss look at me differently than she would normally look at me , and I immediately go into oh what did I ? What have I ? I've done something here to displease her Right . Um , so it's . It's made me not only ultra sensitive to to to people and my interactions with people , but it's made me not only ultra sensitive to to to people and my interactions with people , but it's made me , believe it or not , a great employee , because I'm constantly trying to please not only the people my , my boss and and and my co-workers but I'm trying to go out of my way to be everything to my clients too so in a way that service , in a way it makes me a great trainer and a great employee .

Speaker 2 16:28

But it can sometimes be debilitating , because I will break my back to try to please right , to try to please people you can get out of balance , yeah , unless you take care of yourself and keep yourself time to be home with your family , right ? So I asked you a question and I and I feel like we this has been really important . Let's bring it back to your giving your daughter no conditions on things .

Speaker 3 16:53

Talk about that we've almost , and again , everything is hindsight 2020 . Uh , we , we , we are probably , not , probably , we are overly permissive with our daughter . We , we don't really have a whole lot of expectations , uh , around our house in terms of chores and things that that that she needs to be doing to be a part of our family .

Parenting in the Digital Age

Speaker 3 17:17

Um , that's our fault .

Speaker 2 17:19

And I mean she's 14 . So you , you've got . She's not out of the house yet , right ? You've looked back and seen oh , we probably could have done a little bit of putting some .

Speaker 1 17:32

How does it show itself ? Like you saying , that is like I wish we would have , but how does that she ?

Speaker 3 17:37

spends very little time with us and lots of time in her bedroom .

Speaker 2 17:43

Okay , on her phone .

Speaker 3 17:44

And on her iPad and , um , I have to regulate the iPad and the phone every single night by going in there . I sometimes you know cause I go to bed so early , cause I get up so early that I have to set my alarm to go in and make sure that I've confiscated these items or she'll stay up all night long with these things . So there's parameters on the weekends and then there's parameters on the weekdays .

Speaker 2 18:13

So what you're saying is kind of like rewind , a few years before the phone and social media . You guys didn't set those maybe parameters that you wished you had . Now you're kind of dealing with the ramifications of that we should have made it a uh instead of a .

Speaker 3 18:30

A right more of a of a privilege yeah , hey , you did this . Now you can do this . Now you can have the ipad , now you can have the phone rather than here's the phone . In that expectation , see you later . Yeah , yeah , an ipad kid yeah well , I think uh you have a 12 year old daughter right uh 12

Speaker 1 18:48

13 . Well , here's the issue that I came up with , and this is probably a good perspective of the opposite , right , I'm ? I think I'm very protective of my kids and screens . In a lot of ways . My wife is very much a let's not do it every day out of convenience . I'm kind of like , oh , you know , it'd be nice to have some time to myself , or whatever .

Speaker 1 19:09

Well , all her friends had phones and she went to middle school and it was like you could justify all the reasons as to why . Location if there's an issue , if there's , you know , I want to make sure she's okay and she has access . And then , on top of it , there's a social aspect too , the social expectation that , uh , they want to be getting a hold of . You know , we didn't have that expectation , um , and that's just talking about phones . That's not even talking about social media or tiktok or anything like that . Um , and I got my daughter a pretty basic iphone , because iphones are actually pretty secure . You can put a lot of , uh , adult parameters , parameters whatever , a lot of control , a lot of controls on it , which is great .

Speaker 1 19:49

But the problem is there's really no control over text messages that are coming through . And all these kids they got their phones . They throw 30 people on a mass text and she'd have a thousand messages a day . And I started noticing and I talked to her beforehand . I was like , hey , I don't know , I'm still navigating this , we're still navigating this as parents . You gotta , you gotta be understanding that just because we have regulations or I take it away or anything like that has nothing to do with you or your actions . It's just we're trying to figure this out together . Well , you can notice a change in her almost immediately . And the then started taking it into her room , you know , started , you know , sneaking it , doing all those things where they're really . She could do it right in front of us . I wouldn't ask any questions , but just that instinct that people have the shame of hiding , something that's just innate in us .

Speaker 1 20:42

I started noticing her personality change . It's just a lot more emotional , a lot more verbally hate , love , like extremes , right . And I just said , you know , maybe we just take a break . Why don't we turn it off for a couple days ? Why don't you just leave it here ? And it was fight after fight , right . Her attitude towards us . I mean it was like a different person and I asked her about it and she's like you know , I do feel better . I do miss it , but I do feel better that I don't feel like everybody expects me to interact on these text messages . Everybody expects me to be available 100% of the time , when I don't want that expectation Right . And it was a weird , interesting way to put that so fast forward , not to tell the whole story about me . Fast forward .

Speaker 1 21:27

I got her a flip , a brick phone , a Nokia brick phone you can buy on Amazon for 35 bucks , like we had , you know , and it was like my first cell phone . It's quite a challenge but in reality it's changed the whole expectation because she doesn't even need to worry about it , because she can't even really receive texts , but she can get ahold of us if she needs to . We can get ahold of her if she needs to . It's still been a struggle , but at the same time it's like what do I want more ? A girl that's like a little disconnected from her friends or somebody that's fully obsessed with it , and I wanted to get to it before it got to high school , cause then they're . Everybody's going to ask her about TikTok . They're locked in . There's no way to let it go . Just like me , I can't let go of my cell phone .

Speaker 3 22:11

Yeah , once you open it up and I was just going to say it's so hard to put the genie back in the box . Yeah .

Speaker 2 22:20

And even iPads too , I think , cause you have .

Speaker 1 22:22

And my son's nine . At nine he was messaging his buddies using their emails on his iPad . And it's just for . I just thought it was a noisemaker . We never used it , right ? Yeah , it's crazy . Nine-year-old email , it's crazy .

Speaker 2 22:36

Well , you can text with their email address .

Speaker 1 22:39

So it's like a text message , it's like an iMessage , yeah , but it's going to their iMessage account .

Speaker 2 22:42

They into their iMessage account .

Speaker 1 22:43

They probably have an iPad 2 or their parents . They know more about it than we do . It's crazy , my son . If I have issues with my phone , even though he doesn't have one , he helps me .

Speaker 3 22:52

My daughter helped me with Apple Pay at the grocery store .

Speaker 1 22:54

Yeah , it's insane yeah .

Speaker 2 22:57

So I mean , these are unique . I mean , I think , for me growing up a few years younger than you but growing up a few years younger than you but like nintendo was , was like our version of tv was ours , yeah , the tv and the nintendo and like these things that you could . But tv was like kind of on in the evening and there wasn't much during the day , it was all soap opera .

Speaker 2 23:16

So you didn't have that on demand , feel , what , what , what , the , what the phones are is is 100 on demand text , somebody watch a video any video anything over and over and over get the next one , get the next one , get the next one right , and and so that was kind of like video games for us . It was like , oh , I keep playing it over and over , I lose and I can do a one left right , left right , a , a , b , a start and I can get to the same place .

Speaker 2 23:41

I stopped and I can play again and get more lives and and it was , like always , just dopamine , dopamine , dopamine , dopamine , chase and um , but now it's , it's . I think what you're experiencing with your , with your daughter , is , is pretty typical . Yeah , of like it's the best way to get dopamine . Why would I do anything else ? So I know that you've recently uh to get dopamine . Why would I do anything else ? So I know that you've recently gotten involved like running with your daughter

Building Connection Through Running

Speaker 2 24:11

yeah .

Speaker 2 24:11

And tell us about , like that journey and how you've been successful at kind of connecting with that .

Speaker 3 24:16

I'm not sure how it all started .

Speaker 2 24:18

Okay .

Speaker 3 24:18

But my daughter knows that I love to race .

Speaker 3 24:22

I like to do triathlon , I do running races , I do cycling races , I like to do triathlon , I do running races , I do cycling races , I'm racing this weekend in Oklahoma . She knows that that's a thrill of mine , and I'm not sure how much of her motivation to go out for the middle school cross country team was based on her body perception team was based on her , her , her body perception , a perception of her body , or , if it's , if it's truly something that she really wanted to do , if it was really an athletic pursuit .

Speaker 2 24:55

Either way , I didn't care , because she had the impulse to do it .

Speaker 3 24:59

She had the impulse to do it and I wanted to do everything that I possibly could do to help facilitate that , which meant that three days a week all through the summer , starting in May , when she had come up with the idea that she wanted to do cross country in the fall was that we were going to go to the track and we were going to start with running hundreds and walking the turns , running the hundreds and walking the turns , then eventually move up to 200 , 300 , and then eventually the quarter mile and walking the quarter to the point to where we were going to be able to run nonstop for a period of time which in middle school is two miles .

Speaker 2 25:39

That's the benchmark for racing quote-unquote racing and so we're talking I mean , and so we're talking .

Speaker 3 25:46

I mean , mitch , we're talking 100 , 106 degrees outside because , I can't do it in the morning , that's when I work , and so I'd get home and , and , um , let's go , let's go to the track , and it would be like 106 outside , and she and I would go and we'd do three miles and those tracks get hot too . Yeah , we're talking , blazing and uh , but she , she stuck with it , she stuck with it .

Speaker 3 26:12

We I had to push her a lot- and she complained a lot and I just said it's going to be so much easier when , when cross country starts and you're gonna you're gonna and it's in the morning . Practices are three days a week in the morning and you're gonna feel like , like this is it's going to be much easier did all that ring true ?

Speaker 1 26:31

like did she come full circle and say that like yes and she's starting to discover that .

Speaker 3 26:37

Um , she's starting to discover while she's racing as much as she hates racing . She even gave me the finger last , um , last race , when I was cheering for from one of the . I was crisscrossing the course and I was at one portion and she came around and I said keep going , you're doing great baby . And she gave me the finger , which is so my daughter and uh .

Speaker 3 26:58

But 10 minutes go by after she crosses the finish line and I think , when she realizes what what she's actually , uh , accomplished you know , running two miles and and spending some time what I call the pain cave uh , she gets this little shot of dopamine yeah that the probably the same kind of the runner's high .

Speaker 1 27:17

It's for me , yeah the and she's like .

Speaker 3 27:20

I like this now that's cool look what I've done and and I , I did it , and every race she's gotten a little bit faster , yeah and the thing is is that she also wants your approval who yeah , and that's okay .

Speaker 2 27:34

Like all kids want their parents approval . It's why your dad could do what he did and not just you didn't just leave , yeah , or like the whole family didn't pack . It's like it's just innate for kids to want their parents' approval . So if we can develop a relationship and the appropriate amount of space so that they can be them and come to us and say , hey , will you help me , will you come play with me ? Will you share this with me ? Like that's a beautiful thing for a kid to have the the space to feel like they can ask for that .

Speaker 3 28:08

And I and I feel really comfortable with having even even having a real candid conversation with her about her , about , about , about my dad and my upbringing and how I am going to be different with her , and I and I tell her , I , I , I go . In fact , one night we we got into a fight and she said , she yelled at me . She said I can't believe . She said this , mitch . She looked at me and she said you are an asshole , just like your dad .

Speaker 1 28:39

Oh dang .

Speaker 3 28:41

And I kind of stumbled a little bit because I was just like first off , that is very sophisticated .

Speaker 1 28:49

It's a very sophisticated thing she .

Speaker 3 28:51

she knows about my history with my dad . She knew it was going to hurt me . And I said you know , um , that hurt , that hurt me , and I think that's what you're you're going for . But I'm going to tell you right now there's nothing about me and you that is anywhere similar to the experience that I had with my dad , and I work every day to try to be completely different with you than my dad was with me , and that's what I'm gonna do how'd she respond to that ?

Speaker 1 29:28

uh , she was so yeah , yeah , they're seeing red , so they just yeah , but later on she'll process it maybe maybe those , as you know , those types of things , as hard as they are , those types of things are processed in college . Those types of things are processed when you get a little bit older , like , oh , perspective , I think a lot of the stuff with my childhood I start . You know , what I remembered in my twenties and thirties about my childhood wasn't positive , it was all very negative . But as I start seeing my kids grow up and going , oh , that's pretty similar to how I was , you know what my and going , oh , that's pretty similar to how I was . You know what my childhood was ? Actually pretty good , you know , it wasn't as bad as I thought it was .

Speaker 3 30:09

Mine wasn't good .

Speaker 1 30:10

Yeah , yours wasn't . Yours was probably worse than what you're describing . You know and I think that somebody like your daughter will probably feel the same it's like those types of things he did , how hard he worked to be something different and better as a father for me . He work to be something different and better as a father for me .

Speaker 2 30:29

It's pretty special , yeah , but those perspectives don't come until you've seen a little life a lot of times , but I think the hard thing when you come from trauma is is to a do it differently , like change . Change the way that you parent , from what ?

Speaker 2 30:48

not doing not the opposite of what he did , because he was engaged , but just in a tyrannical , horrible way . So you don't want to be disengaged , right or ? Or you know , kind of checked out or subdued or whatever you need to be , because kids need us to be 100% engaged , more engaged than we are with our phones , with our work , with it . You know , when we're home , we're home . Uh , how do you , how do you find that for you , like , how do you show up for your , for your daughter ?

Speaker 3 31:20

I , I talk to her about it . I mean , not only am I going to , I tell her I'm going to support you . You know , no matter what you decide to do , um , if , if you want to , if you want to do , only am I going to , I tell her I'm going to support you , no matter what you decide to do . If you want to do running , I'm going to work with you . I'm going to support you any way that I can , I'm going to buy the things that I need to buy you in order to get you in that direction . There is , yeah , there's no limits to what I'm , I'm , I would , I would do for her and I tell her that , yeah , where my dad it was always you know , do this , do that , do this , and if you mess up one little thing , if one little tiny thing is off , then the whole rug was

Unconditional Love and Vulnerability

Speaker 3 32:03

right . Yeah , yeah , that conditional .

Speaker 2 32:05

I'm not gonna do that . Yeah , yeah , unconditional love what okay , well , I think too . Like you you we've talked about this like you really believe in vulnerability with your kid yeah , like showing them who you really are and that you have . You have flaws and you have this childhood that you know makes your instincts a little bit different from your your wife's , I'm sure you know , who had a different childhood .

Speaker 3 32:28

Yeah , I will tell my daughter I've made a mistake . I'll tell her when I've yelled at her and I'll come back and say , yeah , I shouldn't have yelled at you and I'm sorry .

Speaker 1 32:43

And so I like to own up to things when I make mistakes I think that's probably the biggest that that right there is probably a great takeaway for most dads out there I just don't like it when people outside or when when people point out my mistakes , like when they say here's where you don't like when they say here's where you don't meet the standard .

Speaker 2 33:11

Yeah , I don't like , yeah , and you probably live a life we're going to get into fitness right now that where you are , you've exceeded the standard yes so so far beyond most men of your age , that there's no question right my clients will tell you .

Speaker 3 33:24

I have one in particular that says you , I trained you because you eat your own dog food that's good , you , you live it yeah , this is who you are .

Speaker 2 33:33

I'm being a trainer is who I am yeah , this trainer is not eating dog food , just for you there's no protein . It's not gonna work for you , so it's not where he got his guns how , uh , how long you've been doing it .

Speaker 3 33:46

I think bart's had 21 years or so doing it full-time for 21 years um I when I when I graduated I had I got a master's in child development . I went to go work for uh for um the county in uh in a town inside portland called clackamas , and uh worked for a clack , a educational services district , which was also served head start , and I did developmental assessments on children and I did home visits .

Speaker 3 34:15

I saw some pretty awful things so awful that I decided , during that time I started dabbling in triathlon and discovered I was really good at triathlons and I worked out at this gym next door At the time . It was called do you remember Ballet Toll Fitness ? Yeah , anyway , I belonged to a Ballet Toll Fitness right next to Clackamas ESD and this woman came to me and she said I hear you're a triathlete . And I said , yeah , she , was you ever thought about maybe teaching cycling classes ? And I said , what , what , what's cycling ? She was called spinning , what's like aerobics , but on bikes , and I was like , okay , she was , we'll come to one of my classes and then , uh , and then maybe you can get certified and teach cycling .

Speaker 1 35:04

I was like okay .

Speaker 3 35:05

So I went I thought , well , this is kind of cool , I've got a captive audience and they'll do exactly what I tell them and I can play my own music . And I actually had quite a following in that . And this same woman came to me and said you know , you really ought to get into personal training and you know you could get certified and you can take a couple of clients . You have to work here full time , but you can take a couple of clients here . You're really good with working with people . You should think about it . I was like , okay , so I got ended up getting certified in training and , um , around that same time , um , I was having some success doing that and I started racing almost semi-professionally in triathlon .

Speaker 3 35:52

I was traveling around quite a bit and I met a woman who had talked me into coming and doing a race in Austin and I fell in love with Austin and that same woman said yeah , they're building a gym over by my house off Breaker , and I was like , well , is that gym going to have its own lake ?

Speaker 3 36:16

She said yeah , yeah , and I said I'm going to work there , I'm going to live in Austin , I'm going to work there . It was pure Austin , and it was pure Austin . I interviewed for the job and I got it there , and it was pure Austin . I interviewed for the job and I got it . Um , I thought I kind of also , uh , thought that I was going to make it as a professional triathlete , but I thought , well , I'm going to use this , I'm gonna have this personal training thing in my back pocket just in case this pro triathlete thing doesn't work out . Well , guess what ? The pro triathlete thing didn't work out and the training did , and there are some clients that I've been training for almost two decades now .

Speaker 1 36:51

Wow , so that's cool .

Speaker 2 36:53

Yeah , so it's lifetime business . Bought them out at about eight years ago and there was two locations downtown when in Auburn where you were , uh , but it's basically the same club . Yeah , I moved to town , I had to town , I had nothing .

Speaker 3 37:05

I had nothing , nothing , nothing . And beto the owner , um , and who had a bunch of investors , took a , took a chance on me before traditional , you know , internet checks , you know and and hired me .

Speaker 2 37:22

So that's very cool so you've been training people for 20 plus years , uh , lots of bs coming out , you know , like you know you just the fitness industry and health and all that stuff goes in these waves of like , fads and this and that like , and you know the trainers that have been working and getting success with our , with clients , kind of seeing what works and what doesn't work and what's a fad and what's not like what , when . If you're kind of , if a new client wants to work with you and you have the time right and you know it's like , hey , I want to like get stronger , lose some weight , you know , kind of the general thing that you tone up , whatever tone up , I love that , let's work . Uh , what are , what are , what's , what are kind of the foundational principles of your training style and why do you believe that ? You know , I mean , I'm sure you do a little bit different things with everybody , but like , what are some general foundational principles that you follow ?

Speaker 3 38:21

okay . So in terms of nutrition , that'd be the first one , because that's probably the number one thing , and that is , if I was going to give just a really , really basic lesson on nutrition and not being a nutritionist , I would say nothing out of a box , can , bag or bottle , if possible , Say that again Nothing out of a box , can , bag or bottle , if possible Nothing out of a box , can , bag or bottle if possible .

Speaker 3 38:57

I'm not saying be perfect , but always consider that , because anything that's been processed in some capacity has sugar in it , probably . It probably has too much sodium in it . It's some sort of genetically modified food that's been put into a container . Food that's been put into a container .

Speaker 3 39:05

So if I can't run it down and kill it , catch it , pick it from a tree , pull it from a bush , dig it up from the ground , then I'm going to try to avoid it as much as I can . Again , I'm not saying that I have a 14-year-old daughter . I'm not saying that we don't have pizza every now and then , but probably 90% of people's , 90% of people's diets should be pretty disciplined in that way .

Speaker 2 39:29

If you start there even before you get into like calories in versus calories out , you're solving a lot of society's problems just by like avoiding things that are inside the grocery store , inside the , you know you can be traveling . Let's say , like you travel the outside wall

Ryan's Path to Personal Training

Speaker 2 39:46

where all the meats are the vegetables and fruits and the grains .

Speaker 3 39:52

And I tell my clients it's not necessarily how much , it's what you never hear somebody say hey , bart , how'd you gain all that weight anyway ? And you say , well , you know , I started eating broccoli and I can't stop . You know I started eating apples and next thing , you know , I'm like 10 apples in and I just can't help myself .

Speaker 2 40:11

They said that about Cheetos yeah .

Speaker 3 40:13

So that's what I'm saying .

Speaker 1 40:14

That's a great . That's such a good point yeah .

Speaker 3 40:18

In terms of resistance training , which I separate from cardio . If somebody is overweight and has some weight to lose , I explain to them look , you cannot spot take away fat , you can only spot build muscle . If I had the answer to that question , I would have a line out the door all the way to my back .

Speaker 3 40:40

So if someone in my opinion , if someone's trying to lose weight , I want to go out , and if I only have them for an hour , I want to go after the largest muscle groups first , and that would be legs , back and core , and make that the primary focus . If I have somebody for one day a week , so just to be clear , did not say the biceps Correct Did not say the chest , Boo boo , Clamor muscles .

Speaker 1 41:03

I want some byes and trys in there . You know I do too , but we've got to get rid of the fat .

Speaker 3 41:07

Yeah and that's how you do it , and let's face it it's fun to look in the mirror at yourself and see your veins and your muscles working . Because that's just fun , it's easy and because that's just fun .

Speaker 1 41:19

It's easy Legs back and core , legs back and core is my philosophy .

Speaker 3 41:23

So I have people that have weighed as much as 400 pounds come in and they say when are we going to work biceps ? I say we're not worried about biceps right now . I'm wanting to get more bang for your buck in this hour and we're not going to get to the biceps until we lose at least 200 pounds .

Speaker 2 41:41

Yeah , and they're also getting biceps in time to pull Correct . Yeah , yeah , that's good advice .

Speaker 3 41:48

Cardiovascular high-intensity training that is peppered in with mostly low-intensity cardio training . You're burning fat as fuel rather than glycogen .

Speaker 1 42:00

You're like zone two , yeah . Zone two or below , yeah .

Speaker 3 42:03

So , like right now , we're burning fat , but we're just not burning fat as efficiently as we could be . In my case , the closer I get to 126 beats per minute , because once I go over 126 , that's when I'm actually burning a different type of fuel source .

Speaker 1 42:18

That's great which ?

Speaker 2 42:19

is glycogen .

Speaker 1 42:19

I love that fuel source .

Speaker 2 42:20

That's great . You've got to think about what's the best use of your hour . If you overcook them , Some of it's also thinking about what . They walk in fresh . Their nervous system is fresh . What are the priorities in the first half of the workout ? Especially if somebody's 400 pounds , they're probably going to start getting lightheaded if you're not putting lots of breaks in there and lots of wind and water stops and things like that .

Speaker 3 42:46

Yeah , and it's not my job . Sometimes , depending on what kind of fitness they're in , what kind of shape they're in , a resistance training session could feel like a cardio session . Sometimes they'll say , well , what kind of cardio should I be doing ? And I said which cardio do you ? I mean , what kind of cardio do you want to do ? Number one , and how much time do you ?

Speaker 2 43:07

have .

Speaker 3 43:07

Cause you can do . You can do low intensity cardio all day long . It's just that you know that's but that's . It's not my job to stand next to somebody while they're on a treadmill . That's not my job , I'm supposed to do resistance training that oftentimes might feel a lot like a cardio session , depending on their fitness level .

Speaker 2 43:27

So , in your opinion , what are like and this is on the spot , I didn't ask you to think about this before , so please forgive me . Oh boy , I don't care . What are the things that you feel like are just bullshit that you hear about all the time people ask you about ? Besides , like I want to tone my arms , which we know you can't spot spot reduce fat . Oh bullshit , it's the first time I've ever heard you cuss really .

Speaker 3 44:00

I can do another one if you want , yeah , you know . They'll say you know , because they'll say uh , yeah you genetically , you're just a , you're a big boom , you're a big guy and you're just genetically that's how , that's how you are , and I'm just never going to grow my legs like yours because , um , just genetically it's not going to happen .

Speaker 2 44:27

So there's talking to you and say well , those , those legs , that's genetics .

Speaker 3 44:32

Yeah , I can never get my body to look like that , and at that point then I might look out a picture of my dad or look out a picture of my mom and say this is what I think . I think you know this is not , I mean .

Speaker 1 44:46

I grew up pretty skinny .

Speaker 3 44:49

So yeah , building muscle is always a big question .

Speaker 2 44:54

That a lot of my guy clients have yeah and if they've tried and failed or just hurt themselves and lost momentum , like a lot of times the guys are like , oh , I'm ready to go , and they go in and they do chest day on Monday and they do , you know , biceps or arms , and they do a little back and they forget to do legs and they come back and do chest . Then like , ooh , the shoulders are a little , I start hurting . You know , every time I do the push movements and then they kind of fall off and then see results and then try again and then they get a little farther and then they fall off and then they make an excuse like , oh , it's just , I can't build muscle , I can't build muscle .

Speaker 3 45:42

That it's easier for me to not have so much discomfort with my currency . You're not a slave to your genetics , is what I'm saying that's good . But you have to be diligent about how often and how you work out and , of course , the number one thing I always go back to , and that's nutrition .

Speaker 1 45:55

Yeah , always , that's great , I love it . Thanks for joining us . This is great , I can . Great , I love it . Thanks for joining us . This is great . I can't believe I'm fast . There's so many other things I want to ask you , but I'll save that for round two . What do we do ? Have you on again ? That'd be great . I have a final question . Oh , bart always does this . He likes the last word . Here we go . Who's the better ? Ryan at Cycley ? Oh for sure . Do you know the bodybuilding trophy ?

Speaker 2 46:25

I'll tell you this about that , Ryan .

Speaker 3 46:27

He could probably give me a good ass whooping if he wanted to .

Speaker 1 46:30

I think he could beat up anybody . He's like a mountain .

Speaker 2 46:32

I wanted him to fight you , I would just go right for the knees . That would be my only chance with him .

Speaker 3 46:38

Do not let him get in the hole of you , because I think he would probably tie most people into a knot yeah yeah , no , it's uh , and I love that .

Speaker 2 46:45

You guys know each other and this is that's the great thing about lifetime sisters there's a real community over there . Yeah , we joked about the sauna and all the conversation therapy sessions .

Speaker 3 46:55

Did you never ? You never told about how I want you guys a fight did you ?

Speaker 1 47:00

No , I didn't bring that up , I'd pay to watch that . Look the two big guys in the gym . That's awesome .

Speaker 2 47:12

We really appreciate you having us on and just you know , having a 14-year-old daughter you know you have a 13-year-old daughter I mean I think it's so important for dads to be sharing perspectives . Understanding , you know , I think I get so much from talking to other dads about their kids and just you know you want to do it right . We don't want our kids to hate us . You know , at 18 , they're like whoa dad was the worst dad ever .

Speaker 1 47:35

Well , mine still tells me she hates me every now and then .

Speaker 3 47:38

It still comes out Right .

Speaker 2 47:41

That's the other thing you have to remember . Why is my kid always so bad in the house and you go outside and they're perfect . Everyone's like , oh my God , your son's so well-behaved . I'm like you don't know

Training Philosophy and Nutrition Advice

Speaker 2 48:02

what I'm saying . It's because he has the safety .

Speaker 1 48:04

Yeah , yeah .

Speaker 2 48:07

That's cool .

Speaker 3 48:11

Yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah yeah .

Speaker 1 48:16

Yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , yeah , you're extreme Lose everything , oh man . Well , thank you so much , ryan , for being here , thanks for your openness and honesty . It means a lot and it really does help . It really does help guys , dads all around . So what do you got going on ? Anything you wanted to promote .

Speaker 3 48:37

I have a race in Oklahoma and it's a 40K bike road race and it's followed by a 10K and a 5K individual time travel , so I'm taking two bikes out there Dang In all three of those races You're going to try to win .

Speaker 1 48:53

Oh yeah , yeah .

Speaker 3 48:54

Anytime I go out I try to win .

Speaker 1 48:55

That's great .

Speaker 3 48:57

And then in terms of my business , I'm on at Lifetime in the Algaritum off Breaker Lane . I've been in that building for 21 years , I know it very well and I currently have very limited availability if someone's interested in training with me .

Speaker 1 49:17

I love it . It's really really expensive . Yeah , start raising rates Sounds like a supply-demand issue . I love it . Yeah , start raising rates Sounds like a supply-demand issue .

Speaker 2 49:26

You and I we're both , you know . We've been in the MCI for 18 years for me , 21 , for you . Like it's just you know we've lasted this long and you're providing your family as a trainer . Like there's not that many of us out there that can say they're doing that and it should be hard to get you .

Speaker 3 49:49

You know it's like it should be . You know people should understand what you're bringing to the table and once I have somebody . I have them for a very , very long time . So I must be doing something right in that I have 100% retention and that's keeping our clients for four months or more .

Speaker 2 50:06

That's great . And then his last thing he was our first premium subscriber .

Speaker 1 50:10

That's great . That is a feature benefit .

Speaker 2 50:12

We announced it . It was like ding .

Speaker 1 50:16

That's awesome .

Speaker 2 50:17

I got the notification that you became a premium member , and that means the world to us ? Yeah , it is , we have valuable things to hand out to premium members . I like what you guys do .

Speaker 1 50:28

Yeah , thank you . That means a lot , absolutely Well . We appreciate it and we appreciate your support . We'll have you back on . I'd love to hear the second half . I mean you've got a lot of story to tell , but I'd love to hear the second half . I mean you got a lot of story to tell . But thanks so much for your encouragement and your honesty and openness . Thanks so much for listening . Please make sure you like , subscribe and share . If you like this episode , please email us some ideas If you want to be on an episode . We'd love to talk to dads that are in fitness , that have new things and exciting things to talk about . It would be awesome . Make sure you check out the premium membership .