The Dad Bods and Dumbbells Podcast

Former Austin Mayor Steve Adler on Raising Strong Kids Without Entitlement

• Barton Bryan and Mitch Royer • Season 1 • Episode 76

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Three dads talk with former Austin mayor Steve Adler about raising independent kids, building family culture that lasts, and setting tech boundaries that keep values first. We focus on modeled behavior, earned privilege, and why agency beats entitlement.

• modeling values through consistent choices
• designing age-appropriate privileges and limits
• teaching agency over outcomes and setbacks
• simple tech rules, delayed social media, dumb phones
• using sports and teams to build resilience
• family traditions that bond across distance
• owning tradeoffs in work, time, and presence
• practical advice for the middle school to high school years

Check it out in our show notes. We'd love to have you as a premium member because this Saturday we have a special event


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SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to Dad Bobs and Dumbbells. My name is Mitch.

SPEAKER_01:

Hey, DMBart.

SPEAKER_00:

Thanks so much for listening, liking, subscribing, and sharing. We're so glad you listened to us faithfully. Uh, we'd like to also thank our sponsors, Solutions Pharmacy. If you need anything, they will take care of you. So make sure you check them out. As well as uh we'd like to thank our premium members. Thank you guys so much for investing in what we're doing. We love you. Check it out in our show notes. We'd love to have you as a premium member because this Saturday we have a special event. Part, why don't you tell them about it?

SPEAKER_01:

All right. Well, I've been thinking about, I mean, a lot of our listeners are you know into fitness, specifically our premium. I think if you're a premium member, you're jacked. You have a six-pack. You've got a six-pack. Uh, or you want one. I want one of the two. And anyway, so uh I've created a workout at Tiger ATX. Uh, it's gonna be on the turf, sleds, uh wall balls, kind of a high rocks vibe of a workout with some rowing and some uh ski erg, stuff like that, and just uh have a lot of fun with it. I've got a couple of the uh premium guys that live close, you know, in the area coming by, and so it's just gonna be a fun workout. If you didn't hear about it and you're like, dude, what the fuck? You know, then uh you know, send me an email and I'll get you connected. That's this uh this Saturday. So it's coming out Thursday, so you got two days to reach out. Or you can just show up at Tiger and we'll probably let you work out.

SPEAKER_00:

Let's go. Let's go. Well, thank you so much for doing that. That'll be great. I will not be, I'll be doing a whiskey event, but that's okay. Sorry, I'm gonna miss it. I hope that doesn't you know hurt any of your attendants. We'll do a couple punch for you. That'd be great. Well, today we have a very special, special episode. Uh, we have a guest. His name is Mayor Steve Adler.

SPEAKER_01:

Former mayor Steve Adler.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you go about former mayor or can I call you mayor or former mayor? How does that work exactly?

SPEAKER_03:

You know, I've been called a lot of work. You can call me anything. You can call me Steve. Steve works.

SPEAKER_01:

The president is always president you know, Barack Obama or President, you know, whoever, and not former president, right? So I just that that's a good question. Like what when a mayor stops being the mayor, do they get to hold the title for in for perpetuity? What's going on with that?

SPEAKER_03:

So now you're asking like uh like a like a a cultural Merriweather post kind of party. Yes. I think the formal rule actually is that mayors don't get to keep the title. Okay. Okay. That's good. Uh when I get invited to a party, the envelope should be addressed to the honorable. The honorable, okay. The honorable. I tried to get Diane to refer to me as the honorable. She said she knows better.

SPEAKER_00:

So uh well.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, if you ever hear that from Diane, uh Steve's wife, Diane, um, you'll know you're doing something right. Seriously wrong.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, uh, Steve was the mayor of Austin for eight years, uh, dealt with it through COVID, uh, went on Joe Rogan and talked about all the issues. But today, we don't want to talk about your political career. We really would love to talk about the fact that you have three amazing kids that have grown up to be uh contributors to society for the better. And I think that's really cool. And I'm fascinated to hear about how to make my kids that successful. So that's the goal, uh, definitely today. So thank you so much for joining us.

SPEAKER_01:

And you're also a grandpa now, right? How many grandkids are in?

SPEAKER_03:

Six. Six each of our three girls have given us two. Wow. We're thinking there might be one more that uh shows up, who knows? Yeah. Uh, but but we're that's this is the fun part. So being invited to come on the show to not talk about you know politics was kind of nice. Yeah. And yeah, we've been real lucky with our three girls.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that's cool.

SPEAKER_01:

So I know talk about your childhood. I want just to have a reference point to you know how you approach being a father and like talk about your dad and just growing up and some of the lessons you learned uh just from him and and from your parents, and kind of what how that might have instilled in you a desire to give that type of thing to your parents or your kids.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, I grew up, I grew up, I was born in DC, and I grew up uh in the city, and as I got older, we moved across the line into into Maryland. Um my father was a film editor for for CBS. Uh I think he was always kind of frustrated that he didn't have a college degree and there was a limit at CBS for how far you could go without a college degree. So he was, you know, had run into that that that that ceiling. He never told me formally that he hadn't gone to college, but there used to be a form that the government form that you filled out every year in elementary school and took back to school, and there was a place to identify your parents' name and where they went to college. And I noticed after a few years that my father's college that he always filled in changed from year to year because he couldn't remember from the next year who he had put in the year the year before. So education was always got more creative each year than that. Like going through the Ivy Leagues. We we went all over the country colleges. Um but you know, so education was real important to him, and and and and pushing us uh on that was something that was uh a real high value. Um and uh I had an older brother uh about uh 22 months older than me, relatively close, close enough to be competitive, and and we were growing up. My little sister, baby sister, was three and a half years behind, and uh so it was the three of us that that that grew up grew up together. Um uh and you know he he passed away when I was um uh senior in in college. Uh, and then my mother followed not too long, too long after that, probably about five years later. Uh so the three of us um uh suddenly found ourselves where we knew that you know the next generation to die in in my family was gonna be one of us. Uh and at that point I was probably 24, 25, my brother a couple years older, my sister a few years younger. And that that that does something to your head with respect to how you see mortality and how you see uh time. Um but you know, they were both my parents. I always knew I was loved, uh, and always knew I was supported, um uh pushed uh because I think they wanted us to have opportunities that that uh they did not have. Um you know, real strong value systems. Um people I I I respected uh and and admired. Except for once there was a father-son dinner uh at Princeton when I when I went there. Uh and my father was invited, as all fathers were to come up. I had joined an eating club at Princeton that I joined because it would take me about as far away from my comfort zone as possible. Lots of eating clubs alike fraternities, except you don't you don't sleep there, you don't live there, you just eat your meals there. Father-son dinner, uh, and I joined a club that had a lot of southern blue bloods in it. Uh, you know, uh really wealthy families, uh an environment very different from what I had grown up with in DC. Uh and they would put uh, you know, a couple professors at the table, maybe four students at the table, four fathers at the table. That was the structure. And I and I knew that as the day was getting closer, I was getting more and more anxious about it because I was fearful that my father would not be able to do well uh at that table. Uh and you know, the evening showed up, all the fathers were in really expensive suits and white shirts. Uh my father was not. Uh, and I remember, you know, feeling that even more on the night we sat down at the table, started talking. It's a bunch of guys. So obviously the conversation turned to sports. It was a father-son thing, so it turned to sports when the fathers were college age as you started moving back in time. Then the conversation started moving further and further back with with sports toys in in history. Uh sitting at my table was the president of the university and I think the chairman of the classics department. Uh and the conversation then turned into eventually got to uh a treatment of sports and in in Roman and Greek literature. And the only two people able to keep the conversation going and talking were my father and the chairman of the classic department. And I remember feeling so badly and so proud at the at the at the same time. Um but they were good people and and I and I miss that they they died early because my relationship with them never proceeded past the relationship that you know an 18, 20-year-old has with their with their parents.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, and that I think a lot of parents or people have a have a story kind of like that where it's like you, you know, you know your parents in the in the kind of the space that they live in. And every once in a while they might be invited, or you're invited, you invite them into a space that they're not necessarily like comfortable with, or that's not their kind of element. And it's I I remember that just about my family, my dad, and he was a quadruple, so he's in a wheelchair. But every once in a while, like he would I could and I think it was just the way people would over-treat his disability. He was used to be with people around people that understood disability, and every once in a while people would just kind of like get the gloves on, like the white gloves, and like just be so worried about all of his comforts, and and you could just see him just kind of like not like just want to run out the door, you know, like get out of his chair and just get the get the hell out of there. But you know, it was really just because like he he really hated when people over sure over corrected in a sense, and so but I remember as a as a kid just like being so aware of that, just so aware of you know when when there were moments where my like my father was out of place or felt out of place or didn't want to be there. Well the lesson for me on that one is I felt that.

SPEAKER_03:

I don't think he felt that at all.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Well, and he sh I mean he I'm sure he showed up feeling like knowing that this was important to you, right? Knowing that he probably wasn't gonna may not fit in, you know, and wanting to do his best for you. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

And he did, and I don't know that he even differentiated between what he was wearing, what everybody else was wearing. Yeah, you know, he had a he had a really nice sports coat on, nice tie, and you know, he was dressed up like everybody else. Um, so it was all in my head. Uh and uh that's what I took where he was a really smart guy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

That's that I love that story. Thanks for sharing that. So you graduated from Princeton, then what after that?

SPEAKER_03:

I wanted to go to law school because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Yeah. And law school was a way to kind of delay that decision. Uh law degree seemed to be something that if you got you could do lots of different things. Um but law school was expensive. Uh so the the University of Texas in Austin was the least expensive top-ranked law school in the country by far. They gave me a hundred dollar scholarship. Uh doesn't sound like a lot. Doesn't sound like a lot. The University of Texas rules at the time were if you got a hundred dollar merit scholarship, then you automatically qualified for in-state residency status. So I say to all the listeners who may have gone to university that tuition for me when I went to law school was eight dollars a semester hour. So a 15-hour semester cost$120. Wow. And I could afford that. So I came down here for law school, no intention of staying. You know, when you grow up in the DC, New York area, you come to believe that that 200-mile section is like the center of the universe. Yes, you know, your the your international news is your local news. And so I headed down to Texas with no intention of staying. It was the South, for Pete's sake. I mean, who would do that by choice? Uh and and came down here uh knowing that in three years I would be back on the East Coast. But I fell in love with the with the music and the breakfast tacos and kind of the spirit in this city and the tolerance for taking risks that's culturally embedded here, and I just never left.

SPEAKER_00:

That's crazy. So when you were there in law school, you were like, I'm going to be mayor one day of this city? No. No, okay.

SPEAKER_03:

You know, I I never had a conversation with Diane about running for office or being mayor until probably 10 days before we launched the first campaign. Wow. I mean, it just never happened. I was with a group of people. Uh we were changing the form of government then in Austin. We were going from a from a district's an at-large council to a district council, and it looked like uh, you know, the the structure of government was changing. Everybody and government and the council would be new. Uh so a group of us went out to recruit somebody to run for mayor. I was involved in a lot of nonprofits at the time, and so I had an interest in in who would do that. Uh, not a lot locally. I, you know, supported candidates at the national and the state level. I really never read the Metro section of the newspaper. I read the Section A and then the sports section. That's what that's what I read. Um but uh we went out to recruit somebody to run for mayor, and there were some people that would make great mayors, and they were all a lot smarter than me, and they said no, they they weren't gonna do that. So eventually this little group kind of locked locked itself in a room and said, Okay, somebody has to stop what they're doing and go try this. And Diane and I drew the short straw, and the next thing I knew, ten days later, we were we were running for mayor, and I never thought that we'd win, and much to everybody's surprise, I think we did.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, two terms, two terms, two terms. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01:

So back to being a dad. Sorry. Politics.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I mean, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01:

So by the way, shut uh little uh there is an interview with Steve and I from when you were the mayor and I with my other podcast, The Mindset Forge. So if you're listeners, you want to hear Steve's talking about COVID, talking about putting out fires as they're heap flowing, as there's more and more fires, you know, kind of hypothetically in in Austin. Listen to that episode. I do want to get into, I mean, we we don't have that much time, but I really want to get into you, you know, your time as a dad, uh, a little bit as a grandfather, too, because I think uh I think you have some unique perspectives that I'd I haven't heard, you know, uh, and that I'd like to kind of elicit from you. Because I think we have those, you know, kids at that per that ripe age of like we've done a pretty good job from now, and it could all wheels could come off at any moment, and like you know, it would be great to get a perspective. So, you know, I don't want to certainly need to talk about each of your kids or whatever, but maybe just perspectives on what you did, some moments that that mattered a lot in terms of how you and Diane raised your kids.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, first off, I'll say one that uh Diane and I have been real lucky and fortunate. Our three girls are all really independent and smart and good people and centered and um self-sufficient and strong, and I mean they're they're great, they're just great people. Uh and while I would like to take a hundred percent credit for having kids like that, uh I you know I have some friends that are wonderful people and I thought were really good parents, and their kids uh have had significant difficulties. Uh, and I'm not sure that you know what those parents could have done to better enabled their kids not to have traveled a more bumpy path. Uh so I'm I'm not convinced that it's just the parents.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, there's there's there's lots of lots of lots of other stuff.

SPEAKER_03:

Very well. You know, the friends they meet and the situations they end up in and all kinds of other stuff. That said, I think that parents probably have a lot to do with with who their who their kids are. Um I think you know, from looking back, you know, our kids are now, you know, mid-thirties into their early 40s or three. Uh and you know, I think that that they really watch their parents. And I think kids model after their parents because that's what they know and that's what they learn. And uh so um much more than what you say is important, uh your kids are picking up on what you demonstrate is important. And I think they really learn right and wrong, not from what you've told them is right and wrong, but from what they see you act on as as right and wrong. Um, we try to support our kids. Um uh Diane, uh uh real successful independent businesswoman was a great role model for all three of our three of our girls. Um uh pushed really hard for them to be independent, uh, probably more than than a lot of other parents were uh so that um um as the time came for them to to move on, they were biting at the bit to to be able to do that. And um, you know, ultimately recognizing that they were ultimately responsible for who they were and what happened to them. And while they couldn't control everything in their environment, they they had pretty fair control of how they reacted to the things that were happening uh around them, and taking stock of that measure of agency uh I think is important for for people to have so that uh you know they're not victims or feeling like they're not in control. And uh I think the more somebody thinks that they they are, not to an undue degree where they think they can like just command the future, but recognizing they have a lot of agency. I think that's great forever kids. I think hopefully they all feel loved and and respected and and and supported. Um all three of them are better parents than than Diane and I were. I can tell that already. Uh, you know, little ones now ranging in age from one to seven. Uh but uh those six grandkids have great parents.

SPEAKER_00:

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_01:

How do you how do you think that you and Diane kept them away from that kind of entitlement? Entitlement mentality of kids with parents that are successful, that are um, you know, that's how how did you help shape their kind of you know desire to not like feel entitled or to not, you know, just kind of expect things, have things given to them to kind of keep them understanding like you know, you you earn what you yeah, how do you ground them like that to be that?

SPEAKER_03:

You know, I think uh in in lots of ways, one I think you you live that kind of life to start off with. Um our kids did not get everything they wanted whenever they wanted it. Um we weren't in a one weren't in a position to do it, and when we were weren't necessarily inclined to to do it. Um and we, you know, would talk to our kids from the very beginning. I um you know our position with our kids all along has been that we've been really lucky and fortunate with the work that Diane and I have done. So we've been able to to make some money and and and do the things associated with that. Our kids all know that we intend to spend it all before we die. Let's go. Let's go. There's there's there's nothing nothing there for them. Sorry, we're we're gonna try and time it so that uh when the last of us goes, the last dollar is going too uh as best we can. So I think they know that. Um but you know, I can remember uh one of our girls in in high school uh going to uh high school in one of the more affluent communities in the city, uh coming to us when she was 16 and wanting to know why she didn't have a car. We made less money than her friends made, or if she wasn't being a good daughter or had done something wrong. Uh and that just blew Diane and I away. You know, I remember that night the two of us looking at each other in the bedroom alone, thinking, boy, did we mess up somewhere. I mean, where did that come from? Yeah, uh, you know, and and trying to talk through that. And then obviously spent a lot of time with that daughter, kind of talking through, you know, all of those all those issues. Uh so nobody's perfect.

SPEAKER_00:

I I'd love to hear my kid is getting 13. I mean, we're already talking, what are we gonna do, right? So why I'd love to hear just strategically why in a practical way, why didn't she have a car to drive?

SPEAKER_03:

Well, she did. Okay. Uh you know, but the car she got was was really age appropriate. Yeah. I hear that. We got we got her a standard car because we wanted her to make sure she grew up knowing how to drive a standard vehicle, lest she ever standers a stick. Okay. You know, so that she would know how to do that in case she ever needed to move quickly, and the car was that kind of car, she'd be able to move it. Uh, but it was not a really valuable car, expensive car. We figured that there was gonna be dings and bumps all over the car, so we didn't, you know, so the car worked. Uh it was safe. It got her where she needed to go. We told each of the girls when they were growing up that at some point in their life we would actually try to help them with uh with a new car. Uh and we said that it would be age and and and achievement oriented. If you want to get a car in high school, fine, but it would be commensurate with that if they wanted to wait until they after after they got graduated from their neurosurgery residency, the car would be commensurate there. So they could cash that in whenever they wanted.

SPEAKER_00:

That's great. I love that.

SPEAKER_01:

So what does Shaq say? He's like, uh I'm not rich.

SPEAKER_00:

You're not rich, I'm rich.

SPEAKER_01:

But no, he's he said, like, um, if you don't have a master's degree, you don't get my cheese or something like that. He had some like really funny thing, or like you have to you have to get a certain uh amount of degrees in order to like be eligible for any of his inheritance at some point. I that's funny.

SPEAKER_00:

I think my my big question is your kids sound like my age. Uh I'm just turned 40. We didn't grow up with cell phones, and when we did, it was like junior year of high school. My dad let me borrow his work cell phone when I went to Fort Worth, Indiana, right? So what advice would you have for our kids? Now, middle school, your son's in middle school, mine's middle school and almost middle school. They the phone is now the new car. It's well I why don't I have an iPhone? Why don't I have the newest thing? Why can't I have these things? How would you raise your kids now in the day and age of technology, devices, and would that change anything for you?

SPEAKER_03:

I think social media, you know, has has changed everything. Everything. And and uh I didn't have to deal with that, you didn't have to deal with it, you know. My kids didn't have to deal with it when they were, you know, kind of in their teens. But it is everywhere now, and and it's scary to to to see. As my best indication of of really what's smart. So they how old is the older right now? Seven and five, five and seven. Yeah, iPad media. Right there, yeah. And and there's a real strict limit on screen time. Uh and and there's like they'll probably be one of the last to really engage in social media, uh, which I understand. I mean, that is, you know, in so many ways feels like poison. Yeah. Um but you know, I think that you know, having a a dumb phone, you know, to be able to do the things that a dumb phone can do, kind of like the car that the girls got when they were young. You know, you're saying yeah, the car, the iPhone is the the new car. I'd probably be the same way. I wouldn't be real quick on trying to get the newest, most enabled technology in kids' hands, because I'm just not sure they they need it. I like the policies now about keeping uh cell phones out of school. Yeah, I was gonna say that.

SPEAKER_00:

That was really great. We'll give you credit for that one. While you were mayor of Austin, I didn't do that.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, to go back to the to the actual analogy of like you know, daughter coming home and saying, Why don't I have a great car? I I I remember 1991 and this I everyone heard that this girl, Sarah, got the red convertible beamer for her 16th birthday, you know, and like and and it just how that the whole school was immediately jealous of this girl who got like the big shiny like you know gift from her parents, and you know, they lived in a neighborhood that could afford to do that. But that's almost like you go on the internet now, you go to social media, and it's like you get to see like that, yeah, all these things that you don't have, you know, all the things that that your e whether your friends have or anybody in the world, like you're like that it just really like it's hard for a kid to process, like, you know, I don't have that, or I'm not good enough, or it's just it just brings so many of those feelings out of like not enough, you know, what's wrong with me, what's wrong with my parents, like whatever whatever the thing is. And I just yeah, I just think it's there. I know my son has a phone, he has an iPhone, but the with the parental controls, I mean, he doesn't even have l access to the internet. Like he he can text his only friends that we approve, and he can, you know, do a few things, but you can shut everything else down, and it is a beautiful, you know, shout out to Apple for just creating a million dollars. Yeah, Apple has a good settings for that for sure. They've done a good job. It's just because that's exactly what we don't want is to like, you know, I mean, you give these kids access to something, and all of a sudden the whole world is at their fingertips and they're completely like thrown by like what they're seeing.

SPEAKER_00:

It sounds like it sounds like the concepts are the same. What you taught your daughters growing up about we may have the means, but that doesn't necessarily you get. Like we're trying to teach you something through the process. And I'm sure they probably remember that differently, maybe they understand it now. But at the time, I mean, those are consequences as a parent where you're like, I'm a parent. I'm not I'm not your buddy. Yes, I could buy you a really nice car right now, but today this is what we're doing for a purpose in the future. I think. What sometimes parents lack, or what I lack, also talk for myself, is I I struggle with the why. Is I can say, because growing up, you were told sit down, be quiet, don't don't do anything, right? Don't do anything bad. Be good. But instead, you're you're saying there's a reason why we're doing these things and helping them bringing them into the process of the why, I think seems to be a key key factor in what you're describing. Now, as an adult, they're independent. Your your baby girls are independent, and you have grandkids, and they're pro are they all in Austin or are they spread around? And and are you sad that you've created independent children that they're not in the floor next door, you know, type thing? What what is the what is the consequence of granddad? How does that look?

SPEAKER_03:

I think one of the consequences is that they're not necessarily all here, but I don't think I feel badly about that choice, although I would love for them all to be here. So uh uh three girls, two of them were living in New York, one was living in Portland, Oregon. During COVID, uh one of the girls came back to visit just as it was starting, and uh she never left. Yeah. Uh so they stayed with us uh for a year until Diane was sure they weren't gonna leave town, and then she kicked them up, although she hates me when I say that. Uh but the thing is, and after they were here for years, they found their own place and moved out and they're here. And then uh the the one of the three um uh girls uh just took a job in Austin um a few weeks ago.

SPEAKER_00:

That's great.

SPEAKER_03:

Uh and I'm real excited about her, it's a neat job. Uh so I'm I'm real excited for the company that she's going to work for. It's a real mission-driven kind of uh thing. She's gonna be the new CEO of the Texas Tribune.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, that's amazing. Which is cool.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah, I'm excited for the tribune. I'm excited for Sarah because I think she'll it's a really important place to be and she'll be great. But I am most excited for me and Diane and and and Ben and Adler, because they're gonna be here at one and three. So that gives us four of the six. And the third daughter, uh up in Portland, has always been in her life the one most susceptible to uh FOMO. So we know she springs the turn.

SPEAKER_01:

Just throw a lot of parties. That's great. I love it. No, uh, one thing that uh that I love that you that you guys, you and Diane do is you have like Adler family reunion and you make a shirt. And we I love it so much that my family made a Brian family reunion. No, you didn't. Every every summer. Like, and so to talk about talk about the Adler family reunion and like just kind of like what your what the what the purpose of it and and kind of how much fun it's been just I mean it's almost like what 25 years.

SPEAKER_03:

It's been it was great fun. Uh it hadn't happened for the last couple years. Okay, okay. Uh but uh, you know, my parents died early. Uh and um apparently uh my mother, um just before she died, uh uh charged my younger sister with figuring out a way to keep the family together when when when mom was gone. Yeah. Uh so uh when we were still and Carolyn still may have been in law school. Um but the goal was to to always make sure we got together. We tried to get together during the December holidays, uh, but that's hard. It became harder as we all started finding significant other people to be with. Because then there were like three other families that were pulling for where we would be. We were we were already moved around. Reed was still in DC, I was in Texas where I'd gone to law school, Carolyn was in California, so we were spread out. And getting together in December began to get um more difficult and more difficult all the time. So we decided we would no longer try and force that in December, but we would make sure that the one week every summer we would go spend a week with each other, which is actually in some ways a lot nicer than December because you're not spending time cooking and there's not all the pressures and shopping or whatever associated with December. You get together for a week in the summer and you're like just there with each other. Yeah. The rule we established early was that uh every family would pick where we went in alternating years. So every third year you got to pick where we went. You could pick anywhere you wanted to go, but you had to arrange for a single house that could fit everybody so that people went to sleep and woke up with everybody else. Uh and we did that for 20 some odd years. Every third year you so who's in charge of buying?

SPEAKER_00:

Is it uh is it uh that's what I think about is like so did the third year that was your job? You paid for everything?

SPEAKER_03:

No, you didn't pay for everything.

SPEAKER_00:

Everybody was it was Dutch right then. It was Dutch.

SPEAKER_03:

Okay, uh but all that you did in the third year was pick the place. Okay, and and generally everybody deferred to that. There were a couple objections to a couple places in a couple years, yeah. We worked through those. Um and then you had to find a big house, big enough house. And as we started having more and more kids, and as it became more and more difficult to you first, you could throw all the kids in the same room. Yeah. Right? And as they began to get a little bit older, that that didn't quite work as well. So the house we had to get, it turned out to be like a little bit bigger and bigger uh house. But we did that up until I got elected mayor. Wow. Uh and then uh that's incredible. I I was the one that messed it up. I I couldn't figure out a week I could I could get away. Yeah. But it was a neat deal. And we had uh one day of the trip, we would all have a shirt activity. Yeah, sometimes it was going somewhere that was kind of iconic to the place and all getting a shirt. Uh my sister, who's always craft oriented, every third year we were making a shirt, a tie-dye shirt or something. That's great. We all did as uh as a as a group. That's great. Um and then we uh I think in the last year, almost last year, it was ours, and we got a shirt that just listed every place in the street. That's cool. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

What's your favorite spot that you've been? Like your favorite memory of like this would be the the creme de la creme spot, whether it's a moment or the fact that the place itself is.

SPEAKER_03:

You know, that's hard because you associate all of the places with the kids at whatever age they were at that time. So that changed over time. And and in my family, uh Diane and I uh brought together three girls. My brother had two daughters, and my sister had three daughters, no boys. Wow, so it was just all girls uh when we would get together. But uh having them, the girls, we would literally throw them together for a week, and they were like in each other's space for a week, and they didn't get to see each other much during the year, but being that close, proximity for for seven days was always great. Yeah. So I don't know. I mean, I remember uh real fondly some of the early trips. We were in New England, um, you know, Mount Desert Island and and Bar Harbor because the kids were you know just so so so young at that point. I remember the first trip where I was kind of incorporating Diane's two daughters into the kind of the group, and I remember that finally. Yeah, and and I but I remember that one not for the group activity or the family activity. I remember that because I took uh uh Karen and Susan out with uh basketball and um and one afternoon kind of early in the week we just shot played horse and talked for two and a half hours to kind of ground and orient and before we went back to kind of my family reunion. I think having them kind of figure out why they were there and what their role was and who they were in that space, that one means a lot. That's cool to me. I remember that well. They're all different. I love that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's an impossible question, sorry. I like I like your answer.

SPEAKER_01:

I I I did like I like the answer. But uh two two questions. Uh we were getting close to the end here, but I want to first of all, what would be your kid's main gripe about as a part of the good one? What's the what's the like thing that keeps coming back up? He's too generous.

SPEAKER_00:

That's that'd be too much. I can't I can't think of any gripes they would have.

SPEAKER_03:

You kidding? Send them to their room if they came up with any gripes. Uh what would their gripes be? Um, I honestly don't know the answer to that. They've they've been real kind, so glaring false. I figure there's been no margin in in pointing them out. You know, Diane and I, you know, people make choices, and there's not one path, right? You know, there are lots of different paths, and all of them can be right and correct paths. Uh I've always been a little sensitive to the fact that that Diane and I are achievers, right? So we we invest a fair amount of time in our careers and in uh the community activities that we're in. And uh, you know, there's only so much time. So the more time you spend in that, the less time you're going to be spending elsewhere. So I know that there are parents that spend a lot more time with their kids than than than than we did. And that's a choice. And I I know that I've I've always felt in some ways kind of guilty that you know we did not spend as much time. Uh that the life work balance uh point that that we have is probably a little different than than was was different than than other parents choose. And again, not necessarily right or wrong. I've checked my kids with that to say, hey, if I should have been around more, you know, we should have been making sure that every dinner, every night we were together as a family. We didn't do that. Um certainly as I got older, and uh but they but they seem to be really okay with that now, or at least they say that they are. But that's the one thing that I look back on and think if there was a significant change or difference that could have been possible, you know, you get to a fork in the road, yeah, that's one I would point at. I don't know that I would make it different choice. Yeah because I think there's a lot of things that they haven't gotten from the choices that we uh that we made as as people, but it was definitely a choice.

SPEAKER_00:

That's that's good. I think Bart and I talked about it um early on in the podcast. Yeah. Decisions in our life, what would we do different? If you go back knowing what you know now, and I think both of our answers was I wouldn't change a thing. Now, do I wish I have talked about it?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, I would change a lot. I've changed so many things. I would have beat my brother up so much earlier.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that's the thing, is like we look at it from a perspective of, well, if we made those conscious decisions, it wasn't on a whim, we did it intentionally, and so now you're in a position where you can spend time with your grandkids and be present with the people that you love the most. And if you hadn't, you'd still be working, you know, you'd still be working your to the bone just to just to survive. And so there's some really cool pieces that come from that. Um, you said you had two questions. Sorry, I interrupted. The what's your second one?

SPEAKER_01:

So well, the second question was actually um, he has a 12, about to be 13-year-old.

SPEAKER_00:

13, about to be 14.

SPEAKER_01:

What's your advice to him? Yes, it's great in the next few years. She's going to high school and you remember your daughters becoming teenagers and going through all that. Like what's your advice to him?

SPEAKER_03:

Wow, you know, again, not one path, right? So I could tell you what I think would be significant, and and the correct path could include none of these things. Uh, but I think being involved with your kids in their lives well enough to understand what they're doing and who they're doing it with, yes, uh, is real important. I think, you know, I think that's kind of a role of a parent. Friends, I think, are real important. I think that that dictates a lot of things, and and those are choices uh the kids make, and putting them in positions where they can make really healthy choices about who they spend time with and who their fan friend base is. I think being involved in a competitive sport that's good uh is a really important thing because there's a lot to be learned from from being on a team and with with teammates and and being dependent and and reliant on other people and that feeling that you get from from working on a team, that camaraderie feeling is something that I think you grow a taste for and a hunger for at that age, and that carries through, you know, for for decades and decades uh after that. Teaching kids that uh ultimately, like I said earlier in in the podcast, that uh that they have agency and while they can't there's some things that are gonna be outside of their control, how they react to those things always within their control. Uh and that at any point in time, no matter the hand they're dealt, their job is to say, okay, this is the hand I was dealt. Now what's the way for me to maximize the position I'm in? Rather than than moping and lamenting the position that they find themselves in. It's like, okay, well that now is where the pieces are on the game board. The question now is what's my next play? I think is something that contributes to kids' feeling of of control over themselves and and and what happens to them. And I think that's a really important uh lesson. Making them feel loved and supported, I think, is is real important.

SPEAKER_00:

That's good. Well, thank you. Um that's I I I think if anything, it makes me feel confident that I'm on the right track, you know, with my daughter. I I think I struggle with wanting to at what point do I XYZ rather than worrying about that and being present and allowing her to make decisions that are challenging and hard. And and uh I thankfully I have a wonderful wife. It sounds like a lot similar to your wife that allows me to be flawed but still be able to move things forward in a positive way.

SPEAKER_03:

Mostly, I think. Yeah. Yeah. The the first answer to doing well with kids is to marry well. Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_00:

Uh I think I think a key piece that we forget too in this is how important they talk about 50-50 marriages, and as you could probably attest, that doesn't exist. Just like work-life balance doesn't exist. Uh sometimes it's 80% her, sometimes it's 20% me, sometimes I carry the load a little bit. And that probably was the best advice I've ever been given to. And it sounds very similar to you guys that very, very big different seasons of your life at different times. I do want to say, as we we do need to wrap up, but I do want to say I didn't vote for you for mayor.

SPEAKER_02:

Jeez.

SPEAKER_00:

I I'm sorry. If I would have known you like I know you now, I would have probably changed my vote because just the heart behind what you do and why you did it, I think it's pretty incredible. You didn't have to serve the city, but you did. You brought some amazing things to the city, and I'm grateful for your time as mayor. Um, speaking from a guy who didn't even vote for you. So I want to tell you that because you deserve that. I appreciate that. I voted by that back then, anyway. No, I voted for that. Now we can go deeper into it. There was a lot of things going on. But I think I think if I know you now, it would have been a no-brainer to me. I mean, really giving that time to you, you didn't do it for you. And that's pretty incredible. So no matter what it is, whether we agree or disagree on whatever point, I think that needs to be said that somebody that puts it.

SPEAKER_01:

So what you're saying is we we need more politicians who don't do it because it fills their ego and more that are doing it. Oh, but that's interesting. Hey, stop it.

SPEAKER_00:

You know, stop it. Oh, that's what we do. I but I I think it is it is true to look at a piece of someone that is in the public eye, that gets no credit, only the bad stuff, for no other reason than you felt called to do that. And I think that is a genuinely good good man. Like those things are things I want to have. You said it before we started, and it convicted me because I'm not I'm not the guy, I'm the guy that goes to different rooms and says different things. But you said it that I'm not worried about being challenged or hurt or anything because I say the same thing in this room as I do the next room. And that is a great, great analogy, and I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_03:

I didn't I didn't know you didn't vote for me, but I forgot somebody to give us his perspective on health and fitness some other some other day.

SPEAKER_01:

So that's kind of the dumbbell portion of the time.

SPEAKER_00:

Um thanks for inviting me on. Yeah, thanks for thanks for having uh thanks for being a part of it, and thanks for inviting us into your home as we're doing it. So we appreciate it. Absolutely thanks so much for listening to dabods and dumbbells. Um make sure you like, subscribe, and share. And send uh former mayor Steve, the honorable Steve Adler, some love. We love you guys.