She Can Heal Podcast

Ep. 75 - Why You Keep Quitting on Yourself (And How to Stop)

• Keila Aldea, LCSW • Season 3 • Episode 75

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Have you ever wondered why it’s so much easier to keep a promise to a boss or a friend than it is to yourself? In this episode, we’re peeling back the layers on self-abandonment.

We often think "quitting" is just a lack of discipline, but it’s usually rooted in something deeper: people-pleasing, the paralyzing fear of failure, and a broken cycle of internal trust. I’m walking you through:

  • The hidden connection between people-pleasing and self-betrayal.
  • Why "quitting" is actually a form of self-abandonment.
  • A 10-question Self-Trust Audit to help you see exactly where the leak is happening.

Stop letting your goals gather dust. Tune in to learn how to rebuild your integrity through mini-commitments and start showing up for the most important person in your life: You.

90-day Self-Growth Journal - A great companion you can use on your healing journey. For 90 days you will have daily prompts on the topics of self-love, self-care and gratitude.  This journal is great for beginners, novice and anyone that wants to dive deeper into their true selves.   https://amzn.to/4fk14sq


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Why We Quit On Ourselves

What Self-Abandonment Looks Like

Self-Trust As A Bank Account

People Pleasing And Autopilot Living

Fear Of Failure And Comfort Zones

Pivoting Versus Quitting

The 10-Question Self-Trust Audit

Interpreting Your Quiz Results

Rebuilding Self-Trust: Micro Commitments

Clarify Your Why

Future Self Visualization

Three Action Steps And Closing

Final Subscribe And Review CTA

SPEAKER_00

Hello and welcome to the She Can Heal Podcast, a podcast aimed at helping women heal and thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I am your host, Kayla El Dia. I'm a licensed therapist and a self-care advocate that is passionate about helping women take back their power and help them realize they're important, worthy, and deserve the care and attention they give to those they love most in their lives. This show is meant to help inspire you on your healing journey, no matter if you're in the discovery phase and are just realizing that you have unhealed wounds, habits, and mindsets that are keeping you stuck in your life, or you've been on this journey for a while and are looking for inspiration, encouragement, andor new tools to help you continue on your healing journey. My goal is to help you realize that you can heal from all that light has thrown at you and are capable of evolving into your healthiest and happiest version. On this show, I will provide you with resources, tools, and insights to help you heal and thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually because you deserve all of that. So if you're ready to ditch the guilt and make yourself a priority, then you're in the right place. Because the truth is that you can't pour from an empty cup, even though most of us do this on a regular, and we really need to stop that nonsense. So get ready to be inspired, motivated, and equipped to truly thrive. Hello and welcome back to another episode on the She Can Heal Podcast. Thank you so much for joining me for today's conversation. Before we get into today's episode, I wanted to remind you that if you're not already subscribed to the podcast, hit that subscribe button so that you can be in the loop whenever a new episode drops. It also helps my podcast grow and be shared with so many other people. Also, if you have not rated my podcast, I would be so grateful if you would go ahead. It takes only a couple minutes to just give me a five-star review, share your thoughts on the podcast so that other women can find the podcast and can be inspired just like you. That would be the best gift that you can give, the best way to support the show. All right. So now that we've got that out the way, it's time to talk about today's episode. And today's episode is why do we quit on ourselves? I wanted to talk about this topic so much because number one, we're in the beginning of the year, and I know that this is something that we're all working on, which is just trying to be a better version of ourselves this year, setting some powerful intentions and goals. And I think one of the number one things that we as women need to work on is really stopping from abandoning not only ourselves, but the things that we're passionate about, abandoning our goals, abandoning our commitments because of so many reasons that I'll get into today. But it's one of the things that I want us to really think about. I know this is something that comes up for me as well because I am a person who definitely is not a quitter, like I don't usually quit on myself, but there have been times where there's been big things that I might have started, and I have noticed that this is something that I've done to myself, and I wanted to bring you some information about why do we do this, and also I want us to start learning how we can start taking steps towards really being there for ourselves, really having our own backs in the way that we need to in order to just move forward in our truest self. Okay, so let's start with what does it mean to quit on yourself? If this is new to you, I want to explain it to you. So to quit on yourself is often more than just settling failing a test or walking away from a job. In the context of wellness and personal growth, it is a form of self-abandonment. And it occurs when you stop honoring your commitments that you've made to yourself, either health, wellness, happiness, because it's easier, safer, or it's more comfortable to stay where you are. And I could understand that when we put ourselves in specific situations when we're trying to pursue something big, when we're trying to pursue ourselves, we're trying to pursue um something that we've always wanted to, it can feel really unsafe, it can feel really risky. And if you are someone who still is working through some of your personal healing, this can be an area that can be really difficult for you. I know it is for me. Anytime that I have tried something new, especially something that has to do with putting myself out there, and it doesn't work out the way that I would want it to work out, it is something that does not feel good and it does bring up those old wounds. It is something that we all go through, and it's something that I think it's important for us to understand why we do it, so that we can start working towards doing something different to really help get ourselves where we want to be in life. So, number one is it erodes our self-trust, right? So, this is what it looks like in real life it erodes our self-trust. So think of self-trust like a bank account. Every time you keep a promise to yourself, like waking up when the alarm goes off, or drinking that extra liter of water, you make a deposit. And when you quit on yourself, you make a withdrawal. So over time, if you keep quitting, your account goes into the red, right? You stop believing your own word, and this is going to lead to a lack of confidence. And that's a good way to think about it too, right? Because every time that you keep a promise to yourself, every time you pursue, you stay committed to your commitments to yourself, that is a level of not only self-trust, but self-confidence, right? We have confidence enough to keep those promises, keep those intentions to ourselves. And so over time, every time that you don't do that, every time that you fail to keep promises to yourself, you are eroding, right? You are building this self, this lack of self-trust within yourself. The other thing, especially for us women, is quitting on yourself looks like compulsive people pleasing. For example, you had a goal to meal prep on Sunday, so you feel energized and you're ready for the week, right? And then a friend calls with a minor drama that she could have handled herself. So you spend three hours on the phone with her instead of prepping. You didn't just help a friend, right? You chose her minor convenience over your long-term health. This is quitting on yourself. So again, I call it also, it's called like self-abandonment. So when you are choosing to do other things, right? Choose other people, and again, this is not something we do intentionally, right? We choose to help someone else, and then we put ourselves on the back burner, right? We put ourselves on the bottom of the to-do list. That is you not keeping promises to yourself, you're choosing people over you, and then little by little, this is what it looks like, right? You are quitting on yourself. So now you decided, you made the choice, right? Because it's what we do, we all make choices. You made the choice to help your friend versus doing something that you really wanted to do for yourself, right? It's almost like you're trying to do something to please someone else at the expense of yourself, which is not good because then it doesn't teach us, right? It c again, like it says with the bank account, you're kind of taking all these withdrawals, and then you learn that I can't trust myself, right? I can't keep promises to myself. Another thing is that quitting on yourself is often like a strike against failure. If you stop trying to get that promotion, or if you stop trying to improve your fitness, you can't fail at it, right? You tell yourself, I'm just not that kind of person, or it's not just the right time. In reality, you're resigning from your own potential to avoid the discomfort of growth. It's true, right? Sometimes we don't look at it that way, right? If I continue to pursue this, then I am going to be scared of what that might look like, or I might fail at this and it doesn't feel good. For a lot of us, that's where it comes from. For me, anytime that I have quit on something that I've really been passionate about, it's that it's that it feels awful for failure, right? Maybe it didn't work out the way that I wanted to, so I just completely quit, right? And we've learned about goals. Goals, you have to change the plan, you have to pivot, you have to, you know, maybe switch directions, but it doesn't mean that you quit just because it feels uncomfortable. That's not gonna get you to where you need to be. I know it's happened to me many times, and I know that a lot of it is fear too, right? We're scared to put ourselves out there, we're scared to try this new thing because of what it feels like to fail at it, what it feels like to be out of that comfort zone, right? People are gonna judge me, people are gonna talk about me, people are gonna gossip about me, people are going to ridicule me, it's gonna be humiliating, I'm gonna be embarrassed. And the truth is that you only feel that way if you allow yourself to feel that way. We have to learn how to accept failure for what it is, right? Which is that's what happens when we're going in the direction of our goals. There's gonna be times where we're gonna fall, there's gonna be times where we're gonna trip, right? And we get up and we assess ourselves and we say, which way do I have to go? Maybe I have to change this up, maybe I need to stay away from this person, maybe I need to do it this way. And so a lot of times settling is just that comfort zone, right? You know what? It's fine. I'm just gonna stop that. That wasn't for me, anyways, because it feels so uncomfortable. It can also look like living on autopilot, it means moving through life, reacting to everyone else's demands rather than acting on your own intentions. So when you quit on yourself, you stop being the driver of your own life and you become a passenger. So you stop asking, what do I need to feel healthy? And you start asking, what does everyone else need from me so that I can stay safe? And just to be clear, I wanted to also talk about the difference between quitting versus pivoting and reminding yourself that stopping isn't always quitting. Sometimes pivoting could be I've stopped this HIT workout because it's hurting my knees and I'm going to try swimming instead, right? This is self-care, this is self-preservation. Quitting means this HIT workout is hard and I'm sweaty and I'd rather just scroll on my phone, so I'm stopping, right? This is self-abandonment. So it's important to know the difference, right? With the first example, she's not quitting the HIT workout. She's saying the HIT workout isn't working out for me. I'm gonna try swimming instead. It's gonna be easier on my joints, and we don't want to continue doing the HIT workout knowing that it's causing you a lot of pain and then you hurt yourself, versus saying to yourself, this just isn't for me. It's not working out, it's not it's hurting my body. I'm gonna try something else instead, right? I'm still working on my fitness, but I'm gonna try something else. I'm going to pivot. All right, so now that we've gone through all of that and we understand what it might look like, what is going on for us when we are quitting on ourselves? I want to do a quick 10-question self-trust audit that I want to walk you through. If you are sitting, if you're able to, this would be a good time for you to grab a piece of paper and just do this quiz with me. If you can't, I would suggest just come back to it because I think it'll be really helpful for you to really see kind of where you land on this. So I'm gonna go through 10 of them. Number one, how often do you set a small personal goal like going for a walk or reading, but you cancel the moment a friend or family member asks you for a favor? A rarely I treat my personal goals as firm appointments. B, sometimes. If the favor seems important, I shift my plans. C often I feel guilty saying no to others, so I say no to myself instead. D always, I don't really schedule time for myself to begin with. Number two, when you don't complete a task, you promise yourself you do, what is your internal dialogue? A, it's okay, I'll adjust the plan and get back to it tomorrow. B, I'm just too busy right now, I'll wait for a better week. C, here I go again, I never stick to anything, anyways. D, I don't even think about it. I've stopped expecting myself to follow through. 3. Think about a goal that you've had for over six months. Why hasn't it happened yet? A. I'm actively working on it. It's a long-term process. B, I haven't found the perfect time or method to start yet. C, I start for a few days, but the moment it gets uncomfortable, I stop. D, I've decided it's probably not meant for someone like me. Number four, do you find yourself saying I have to or I should more often than I want to or I choose to? A no, I am clear on my motivations. B occasionally, usually regarding work or chores. C. Frequently, most of the day feels like fulfilling obligations for others. D almost always, I can't remember the last time I did something purely for my own growth. Number five, when a goal or new habit gets difficult or boring, what is your typical reaction? A. I lean into the discipline and keep going. B I try to change the goal to make it more exciting. C I take a break that eventually turns into stopping completely. D, I tell myself it wasn't the right goal for me and look for something new. 6. How much do you trust your own word? If you tell yourself I will do X tomorrow, do you believe it? A 100%. My word to myself is sacred. B mostly I follow through about 75% of the time. C, not really. I usually know I'm negotiating with myself. D, not at all. I know I'll likely find an excuse. 7. How often do you practice perfectionism or bust? For example, I miss Monday's workout, so the whole week is ruined. A. Never I value consistency over perfection. B sometimes I struggle to get back on track after a slip-up. C. I find it hard to start again if I can't do it perfectly. D always. If I mess up once, I quit the habit entirely. A when you think about your future self, the you of one year from now, how does she feel about your current choices? A. Grateful she sees me laying the groundwork for her happiness. B neutral. She's waiting for me to get more serious. C. Worried. She feels like I'm leaving her behind. D. Resentful. She's tired of waiting for me to show up. 9. Do you have invisible boundaries? Boundaries you think you have but never actually voice to others. A no, I clearly communicate my needs and time. B. Sometimes I try to hint at them but hate the confrontation. C. Mostly I hope people will just know I'm busy, but they don't. And D. I have no boundaries. Everyone else's needs come before mine. Number 10. What is the primary reason you stop working towards a healthier, happier version of yourself? A I haven't stopped. I am evolving. B, life just gets too busy and loud. C, I'm afraid that even if I try, I won't actually change. And D, I don't feel like I deserve to put myself first. Now that you've completed the 10 questions, this is how you would score it. So if you got mostly A's, the self-steward, you have a high level of self-trust and you treat intentions as sacred. Mostly B's, the negotiator. You mean well, but you often trade your goals for immediate comfort of others' needs. You are on the verge of quitting, but can't turn it around with boundaries. Mostly C's is the quiet quitter. You have a pattern of self-abandonment. You likely start with big energy but fade out when the honeymoon phase of a goal ends. And if you got mostly D's, you're the self-absentee. You have currently resigned from being the driver of your own life. You are living for everyone else and have the lost connection to your own why. Okay, if you found yourself entering mostly C's and D's, please don't hear this as judgment. Hear it as a wake-up call. You haven't failed, you've just been out of practice of keeping promises to yourself. Today is day one of the rebuild, right? Because this is not so that you can be mad at yourself and you can just beat yourself up. This is awareness, this is information. If you got mostly C's and D's, that is information for you to know this is where I'm at right now, and then for you to then say, where is it that I want to be? This is your chance to say to yourself, this is exactly where I am right now. And what are your intentions? Do your intentions do you want to increase your self-trust? Do you want to be able to set a goal and finish it and be committed to it? Then this is just your opportunity. And we're gonna go into the next step, which is how to start being true to your intentions. So to stop quitting, we have to change how we view our goals and our intentions. So number one, micro commitments. Build self-trust by making promises so small that they're impossible to fail. For example, I will drink one glass of water before my coffee. Or I will take a walk every single day after lunch. Or it could be something as simple as, I'm gonna wake up as soon as my alarm goes off. Right? It's those little small commitments that's gonna help you to start building self-trust within yourself. And we just have to learn that I am important, I can keep promises to myself because I deserve that, right? I deserve to be treated the way that I want to be treated. I deserve to be living the life that I truly want to live. And it starts with me. The white audit. This is another area that could really help you, which is are you quitting because it's hard or because the goal was never yours to begin with? So ensure that your goals are fueled by desire and not should. So again, I always tell this to my clients too, that if you're not being successful with your goals, you have to be very clear about your why. Why is this a goal of yours? Why do you want to be this way or why do you want to do this? Right? It can't be for to please other people. It can't be, let's just use exercise for an example. You can't say, I want to lose 10 pounds because I want to look good for my husband. You have to say something that is true to you. I want to lose 10 pounds because I want to fit into my clothes better, or because I want to feel healthier, or because I want to have more energy, right? It has to be very important to you, or else it's not going to stick. Another big one is a lot of us do we pursue certain things because we think that's gonna make our parents happy, right? I see this all the time, which is right, I became a doctor because my mom, I want to make my mom proud, right? Knowing that you're miserable, right? But I'm living this life because I want to make my parents proud. It has to be yours. Your goal has to be yours. If you, if it's not yours, you are going to always have trouble pursuing it, being motivated for it, being happy, and that is just not worth it. Number three, the future self-visualization. So when you feel like quitting, ask yourself, how will the version of me three months from now feel if I keep this promise today? Because again, if we can visualize ourselves, because we're doing it for us, right? I think about this as myself, right? I am trying to lose, let's just say 10 pounds, right? I'm not trying to get skinny, skinny. I'm trying to get to a weight that's gonna make me feel good in my body and it's gonna make my health so much better. So three months from now, February, March, April, May, right? So when May comes around, like I want to feel proud that I was able to stay committed to my goal of eating healthier, and now I have lost 10 pounds and I feel so much healthier, right? I don't want to look down the line in three months and say I I quit on myself, right? Why? Because it was too hard, right? Because I didn't make time for it, because I kept making up excuses, and here we are today, you know. I that's what I do not want. I do not want to see myself three months from today and not fulfill that and feel like I failed myself. It doesn't feel good, okay, my friend. So that's what I'm gonna leave you with. I want you to, if you didn't get a chance to do the quiz, I want you to make sure you come back to the Episode with a piece of paper, and I want you to do the quiz to assess yourself on how you're doing with your self-trust. I didn't get to do it myself, and I'm definitely going to do it, so it's definitely a step that I would recommend so that at least you know where you stand with your self-trust. Okay, but before we leave, I want to leave you with some actionable steps that you can take today to start working on this self-trust. Number one is pick one tiny thing that you said that you do today, like fold the laundry, take a walk, meditate for two minutes. And I want you to do it specifically to prove to yourself that your word matters. I think that is super powerful. Another thing you could do is I want you to identify one thing that you're doing for someone else that's causing you to quit on yourself and practice a soft no or delegate it this week. We're gonna prioritize ourselves. We have to practice and practice and practice this. And number three, when you feel like quitting, ask how would the version of me three months from now feel if I keep this promise today? Okay, my friend. That is all for today's episode. I truly hope that this was helpful to you as you are starting to work on being your best self, improving yourself. I know this is something I'm working on, and so one of the things we need to learn is how to build that self-trust, how to stop quitting on ourselves, no matter if it's those little habits that we're trying to do, or no matter if it's the big things. Okay. So I hope this resonated with you. I would be so grateful if you would share this with a friend who really needs to hear this message today so that she can start building her self-trust within herself. And lastly, don't forget to if you didn't get a chance to do the quiz with me, come back to this episode and do the quiz so that you can really be clear about where you land when it comes to your self-trust. Okay, well, thank you so much for being with me today, and I will talk to you again next week. Take care. Thank you so much for joining this conversation today. I hope this episode was helpful to you on your healing journey. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode packed with valuable tips and insights designed to empower you. If you found value in this episode, I'd be so grateful if you left me a review wherever you're listening from and share your thoughts and feedback. This really helps me to reach more women just like you. Thanks for listening.