Ep. 78 - How to Feel Less Lonely and More Connected

In today's episode I am talking about loneliness and why as adults we tend to find ourselves feeling disconnected and alone. I also share the difference between being alone and being lonely (hint: it has to do with choice). 

I also share 5 ways that can help you start building connections, feel more socially connected to help you lower any feelings of loneliness you may be experiencing. I will leave you with some action steps you can take right away after listening to this episode. 

The truth is that in adulthood it can become very difficult to find and sustain friendships and it has to be an intentional process we need to engage in. If you have been feeling lonely lately, this is a great episode for you. 

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Transcript

Welcome And Show Purpose

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Hello and welcome to the She Can Heal Podcast, a podcast aimed at helping women heal and thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I am your host, Kayla El Dia. I'm a licensed therapist and a self-care advocate that is passionate about helping women take back their power and help them realize they're important, worthy, and deserve the care and attention they give to those they love most in their lives. This show is meant to help inspire you on your healing journey, no matter if you're in the discovery phase and are just realizing that you have unhealed wounds, habits, and mindsets that are keeping you stuck in your life, or you've been on this journey for a while and are looking for inspiration, encouragement, and or new tools to help you continue on your healing journey. My goal is to help you realize that you can heal from all that life has thrown at you and are capable of evolving into your healthiest and happiest version. On this show, I will provide you with resources, tools, and insights to help you heal and thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually because you deserve all of that. So if you're ready to ditch the guilt and make yourself a priority, then you're in the right place. Because the truth is that you can't pour from an empty cup, even though most of us do this on a regular, and we really need to stop that nonsense. So get ready to be inspired, motivated, and equipped to truly thrive. Hello, my friend, welcome back to another episode of the Sheikin Heel Podcast. I hope that this episode finds you doing well. In today's conversation, we are going to be talking about how to feel less lonely and feel more connected. This conversation is really important because as we continue to age in our years, one of the things that I'm noticing for myself and with the clients that I work with is that it gets really, really hard to feel connected and to have connections that actually feel genuine, feel authentic, and help us just to feel that we are not alone. So in today's conversation, we're gonna talk about what loneliness is, and I'm gonna talk about the difference between being alone and feeling lonely. So again, solitude versus loneliness, because there is a difference. And then I want to talk about why loneliness hits hard in adulthood. So we're gonna be talking real talk here about how why this happens in adulthood, and then I'm going to share different ways that you can navigate loneliness and build connections. I'm also going to include some questions at the end that I know have come up. I know I felt them myself, and I know I've heard people talk about these areas, so I definitely want to include that in the end. So be ready for a really important conversation on the topic of loneliness. Okay, so we're gonna start at the beginning, which is what is loneliness? And I'm sure you know what loneliness is, but I think it's important to just define it and like I said previously, kind of different differentiate between feeling alone and being lonely. So solitude is a chosen state of being alone that can be restorative versus loneliness, which is the distressing gap between the social connections that we have and the ones that we want. Okay, so let's talk about the differences between each one. So solitude is a chosen positive state of being alone, while loneliness is an unwanted negative feeling of disconnection from others. So let's talk about the differences because there is some big differences, right? Number one is voluntary. Solitude is typically a voluntary and a controlled state where a person chooses to spend time alone, such as reading, meditating, or taking a walk, which can really help with self-reflection and personal growth. While loneliness, in contrast, is usually involuntary and it comes when someone desires social connection but feels isolated or misunderstood even when they're surrounded by other people, right? Because you can feel lonely even if you're not quote unquote alone. Another difference is the emotional experience. While solitude often brings positive emotions like calmness, clarity, rejuvenation, allowing you for introspection and creativity, loneliness is associated with negative emotions like sadness, anxiety, emptiness, and restlessness, and can contribute to mental health issues like depression. So basically, what we're saying here is that being by yourself, when you choose to be by yourself, you're usually doing it to get some type of positive emotion, such as being just calm, relaxed. Maybe you need time to yourself for clarity purposes, versus loneliness is more associated with negative emotions because you're feeling empty, right? You're feeling empty, you're feeling sad, you can feel depressed. So those are the differences when it relates to that emotional experience. As far as psychological impact, solitude can enhance well-being, self-awareness, emotional regulation, serving as a restorative experience because, again, this is a chosen activity that we are choosing to do for that purpose versus loneliness, however, is a painful emotional gap that can harm psychological and physical health if it's prolonged. The difference is there again is the chosen, right? We're choosing solitude for those specific reasons versus loneliness. It's just this painful emotion that we feel because we're feeling disconnected and it's usually involuntary. Another way to distinguish between the two is purpose and perception. So solitude is generally seen as desirable and beneficial, providing you an opportunity to enjoy your own company versus loneliness, which is perceived as undesirable, highlighting a lack of meaningful social connections and a longing for companionship. So again, it's solitude is something that you are actually choosing to do because it's something that you want to get some benefits from, versus loneliness, which is you have like this emptiness, you're missing this connection. It's not voluntary and it's bringing you, it's like you're missing these connections that you're having. So you're really wanting that companionship and you're not receiving it. So, in summary, like both solitude and loneliness involves being alone, but the crucial difference lies in choice and emotional response. Solitude is a deliberate, enriching experience that promotes personal growth, where loneliness is an involuntary, distressing state that signals unmet social needs. And understanding this distinction can help you embrace alone time positively and address feelings of loneliness effectively. So now that you understand the differences, and I and I will say that it's important to know the differences because I know that as adults, many of us will seek that solitude, right? We need that time for ourselves, for personal development, for emotional regulation, and just again being in your own company and doing the things that you truly want to do versus being lonely is completely different. And I want to talk to you about why loneliness really hits hard in adulthood. And I mean, I hear this over and over and over, and as an adult myself, I can totally resonate with this information about how, especially when you're an adult, you truly start to feel less connected depending on where life is taking you and what who and what you're around. So let's talk about some of the reasons why really like this is really big in adulthood. So it says loneliness often peaks in our 30s, 40s, and beyond due to several life shifts. The first one is functional friendships. So in our youth, proximity, school, classmates, right? It creates this passive friendship because you're always around. So it's easy to make friends, easy to feel connected when you are in school because you are around your friends all the time, and you guys see each other a lot. You can invite each other out, you can talk to each other. But in adulthood, we have to be much more intentional. So friendships in adulthood are not going to be as easy because we're not going to be around these big congregate places that are easy to have connections with, right? In adulthood, we have a lot going on. And so, in order for us to feel connected, we can't, it's not passive like it was in our youth, right? In our youth, it was so easy to make friends. You were in schools, you were in clubs, you were in sport activities. It's so much easier, even in college, right? Because you are around so many more versus when you're an adult, you just don't have that proximity anymore. And you have to be intentional. You can't just think that I'm gonna be, I'm gonna have good friendships, but I'm not doing anything to create those friendships or to sustain those friendships because of whatever's happening in life. And believe me, this I truly resonate with because not only do I hear about it, I think from time to time I hear co-workers even talking about how hard it is to make friends or sustain friendships, especially if they've moved away or if they have different life circumstances that has caused them not to have those friendships or not to be as close to the people that they used to be close to. The second factor is the busyness trap, right? It's the demands of work, parenting, caretaking, these are often going to push social connections to the bottom of the priority list. So if you're a mom, you can definitely also resonate with this, which is that we're working from like nine to five, right? We have kids that we have to take care of, we have the house that we have to clean, we have to like feed our families, we have to go to all these appointments, and sometimes like making social connections or doing things just for friendship-wise reasons, that just does not make it to the priority list, right? I think that especially when we're in these really busy years, depending on what it is, for some people, it might be job related, they have a really busy job and they have very little time for social connections or just socializing in general. As far as parents, it's the same thing, right? And a lot of us are busy and we're tired. I mean, I can think of myself, this has come up recently, and about a year ago, I had a friend, some a friend that like I didn't talk to for a long time, and she invited me out. And at first I said yes, I was like, of course I want to do this thing, and then afterwards I felt uneasy about it, right? Because this is someone that I haven't seen in a while, and again, it's just the idea of getting ready, going out, like just the work that goes behind it. And I remember still doing it because I said I really want to stop being like like not having those connections. I really wanted to have more connections and just do fun things with you know women my age. And I remember going to her house, I was meeting her at her house, and I told her, I was really honest with her. I was like, girl, I almost just wanted to cancel, I just wanted to stay home. And she told me I felt the same way, you know. So it's something that we all like go through because again, we just have so much going on that sometimes like we just don't have the energy to get ready, to go out, to like do these things. It's one of those things that we have to learn how to break free from if we're trying to have more connections, if we want to feel less lonely. Another reason that loneliness hits hard in adulthood is life transitions. So, again, different things like divorce, like if you have to move away for work, or even your children moving out can suddenly change the social connections that you do have. If you're getting a divorce, a lot of times the friendships that you guys had as a couple, many of them are not going to be your, like you're not gonna hang out with them anymore because maybe you hung out with them when you guys were in couples, or maybe they were your spouse's friends, and so now you lost all those friends. Sometimes a relocation, if you're moving away from all that you know, so maybe you're moving out of state and you're having to like learn and create all these new relationships because you are you don't know anybody. That could be a really tough one in adulthood, especially like I just mentioned, right? When we're going through all those different demands, and now I'm moving somewhere new, and now I have to start establishing all these new connections, which can be really hard, it can be really uncomfortable. So anything like that can happen. And when we start shifting from roles, so if you are a parent of in like a small child, you're gonna have friends that have small children, you guys do things together. But as you continue to transition out of that, your relationships, your friendships are going to change or they're going to just end, and that could be a really difficult challenge to overcome. And lastly, the comparison loop. So seeing all these perfect social lives on screens can really trigger a sense of inadequacy and further isolation. I can definitely resonate with that, right? Because if you're already feeling a bit isolated or you're feeling like your connections, like you're not really socially connected right now, and you go on social media, this happens to me all the time as well, right? Because you see groups of women gathering, having fun, doing fun things together, friendships, going out to dinner, and you think like, wow, everybody has all these really great friendships, and I have none, or nobody calls me and nobody invites me anymore. And so these can be really difficult to navigate. And the truth is that it's not always greener on the other side, right? It always looks perfect, and sometimes it can literally be someone just reconnected with someone, or it can be, oh, I just felt like I needed to go. So what we see online is not always the truth, so we have to be really mindful of that to think that everybody else has great connections, everybody else has good friendships, and I'm over here by myself having no friends. And so, a lot of these reasons, I'm thinking, if you think to yourself, you know, think which ones do you resonate with? Maybe you resonate with all of them because I can surely resonate with many of them. And you can understand why it's so hard as an adult to have really like connected friendships, right? Because again, sometimes you can have really close friendships and like it talks about the life transitions, you could be um of teenagers, and maybe your best friend, she started her family much later. So she maybe she has a five-year-old. It can be really difficult if both of you have children of different ages to really get together, and your social like the time that you guys spent together might not be the same as it was before. Because if you are the type of person that waited to start your family and a lot of your friends have kids, it's gonna be really difficult for them to do the same things you like to do because you don't have kids versus they probably go and do things together with their kids. So that could be really difficult. So being an adult, having like really good connections, good friendships, starting friendships, just feeling socially connected can really be difficult because of all the reasons that we just talked about. All right, so now we're gonna move on to five ways that you can navigate loneliness and build connections. So I'm gonna share with you different things for you to like think about and try out and understand when it comes to having connections and feeling less lonely. All right, so number one is audit your relational wealth. So sometimes we feel lonely and we think we just need people, but it's more specific than that, right? So think about it like your phone battery. Are you missing that one person that you can text at 2 a.m. without overthinking it? Or is it that you miss having a consistent group to grab tacos with on Tuesdays? Maybe you just miss feeling part of something bigger, like a neighborhood or a hobby group. And so when you can figure out which tank is empty, you can stop trying to fill the wrong one. So, again, going back to the idea that maybe you had some really cool, like close friendships that you guys would get together once a month to go for brunch, or maybe you guys will go out for pink night or whatnot, and something happened that that just stopped happening. And so now that is something that you're missing, or maybe it's missing like that friendship that you can just talk to, that you can just pick up the phone, or you can send a text anytime you have something really cool to like share with that person, right? And so it's really thinking about what is it that I'm really missing. Is it am I missing that that little small like connection that I used to have? Am I missing just that social connection of going out and becoming part of something? So it's really important for us to understand how we can build more connections, how can we be more connected, is by first understanding what it is that we need right now. Number two is practice micro connections. So you don't always need a deep soul talk to feel less lonely. Sometimes brief positive interactions like chatting with the barista, nodding to a neighbor, or a quick text to a cousin can lower your cortisol levels and remind you that you are part of a larger world. And so this could be just you being a little bit more open and willing to make connections wherever it is that you are, and so sometimes it is those. I think about me being at the store the other day, and I was in a really long line, and the lady behind me just started a chatty conversation. She noticed that I was buying an air fryer, and she just started this conversation with me. She was an older person, and so sometimes you see older people whenever you see them at the stores. Sometimes they're a little bit more chattier, but you know what? That's their way of connecting because maybe they don't have many connections anymore. Maybe like they don't have a lot of friends, or their family doesn't visit as much. And so, as for us, it could be something as simple as that, where sometimes you see people, I see this more like in movies, but they go to the same coffee shop, you know, maybe like every Friday, and they made a connection with, you know, the the barista or the person that works there. They know them by name, they start off a quick little conversation, and that's just a mini connection for you to feel less lonely, for you to feel like I do exist, like I am important, I am a worthy person, I do have value just by existing, and I'm not invisible to the world, but I have to make an effort, right? I can't expect for people to notice me, to connect with me if I'm not open and receptive to that. So sometimes it takes those little micro connections to help you to feel more connected and less lonely. Number three is the rule of three friendship in adulthood requires frequency. So choose one activity, it could be a local class, a walking group, or even a volunteer spot, and commit to going at least three times. The first time is going to feel a little bit uncomfortable, the second time will feel a little more familiar, and the third is where the regular status begins. If you think about it, anytime you start something new, it's always going to feel uncomfortable. I know whenever I sign up for a class, I never want to go alone because I feel awkward, because I feel like everyone's gonna have someone, I'm gonna be the only one there by myself, and so I like to bring a friend, but also think about consistency. So by going to this specific activity several times, it can become you can build build connections, right? You can build connections with different people, people that already are going. Um, this could be an opportunity for you to meet new friends, it could be an opportunity to just have someone to know who you are, to know that you are, you know, know your name and know that you come on this day. And this could be a way for you to build connections and friendships. This could be something where you can invite friends, right? So maybe you have a friend and you and her can start going to art classes, you can invite a friend to go to walks with you every Sunday morning, and you guys can go for a walk and you guys can go to brunch afterwards. But again, it's this is the part of intention, it's the part of you know making an effort that things are not just going to happen. We have to learn how to make them happen, especially in adulthood, because again, we have different lives, we have different responsibilities, and so we have to really work around that to say, I'm really busy on these days, but on Sundays, I would love to go with a friend to brunch. I would love to maybe schedule some hikes with, you know, of a friend of mine that I know she's pretty active, like I am. So it's really like learning how to be more consistent and to step out of that comfort zone and put the effort in in order to start building those connections. Number four is using vulnerability as a bridge. True connection requires being seen instead of the standard I'm fine, just busy. So you can start sharing small, honest. Truth with a trusted person. It could be something like, I've actually been feeling a bit disconnected lately, is often a powerful invitation for others to admit they feel the same way. And this is true. Like I said earlier, I had a co-worker. I I don't know how the topic came up, but we were talking about friendships, and she was talking about how hard it is to build friendships. And I think she was talking about an app that is like a dating app, but it's like for friends. That she says, I have to do this because I need to make friends. It's hard to meet friends when I'm working all day and I'm really like don't do anything much. And so it's really like learning how to open yourself up and you know, share vulnerability, like share things with people because you never know who's feeling the same way. And you guys can share this information and it can make you feel less alone. Like you're not the only one. It's not only you, like you are not the problem, right? It's it's adulthood, it's that we're busy, it's that we have so many things, it's that we're tired, it's that you know, we don't have access to so many people to create these connections, and that can really help us to feel like okay, it's not me, right? It's just that I need to make an effort, I need to try something so that I can feel more connected with friends, family, and other people in my life. Number five is a really important one, and it is reconnect with yourself first. Sometimes we feel lonely because we've abandoned our own interests. Engaging a creative hobby or a personal goal can make you feel more vibrant and whole, which naturally makes you more magnetic to others. I think this is a really important one because this is something that most of us just don't have a really good relationship with ourselves. A lot of times, listen, I'm gonna be honest with you. This is me, right? I love to do certain things and I don't do them because I don't want to do them alone or because sometimes I just feel weird inviting people. So, like reconnecting with yourself and your hobbies and your interests could be really important. And listen, sometimes you gotta do those things alone. Probably like seven, eight years ago, I started to do this myself. I started to say to myself, I'm gonna do something every month just for myself. And I started to just sign up for things and just do them. I remember I went to like a yoga class, I went to a sound healing class, I did these types of things, and I just went by myself. And you learn just to be around people, you just learn to be in environment and really shift out of that nervous energy that you have and have the opportunity to meet people, to talk to people, to strike up conversations, to do anything like that can be really, really um helpful. So, those were five ways that you can really navigate loneliness and really learn how to become more connected to others. And I'll just review them with you really quick. Again, number one is just audit your relational wealth, which is again just really like thinking about what is it that you're truly missing in your life so that you can really know what is it that I need to engage in. Practice micro connections, or it could be just being more open and more receptive to just saying hi to people, start a conversation in in the grocery line, smile at people, wave at people, just to start that process of connecting with people. The rule of three, just being consistent. So, again, it's us being intentional about creating these opportunities to invite people to meet new people at different places to really just get out of that rut of isolation. Number four is vulnerability as a bridge, so being open and receptive because you're not the only one going through this, and sometimes just by doing that, you can feel like you're not alone and this is something that I can do. And number five is reconnecting with yourself. So, again, learning how to just engage in activities that you truly enjoy, even if you have to do them alone. And I wanted to end the episode with a couple of questions that I know that we all have when it comes to building connections. And so I just wanted to share them with you real quick to see if these are some of the things that you've thought about and give you just ideas and just to like hear some different feedback. So, number one is I'm tired of be the only one who texts first. If I don't reach out, will anyone even notice? So, this is a question that I hear a lot about is you know, I feel like I'm the only one that ever like reaches out to people, nobody which nobody reaches out to me. It just stresses me out or it burns me out, and I just don't want to do it because why should I be the only one? And the truth is that it's okay to feel that way, but sometimes we have to look at our friends in seasons, you know, are they overwhelmed with toddlers? Do they have aging parents? Like, do they have a really busy career? And so sometimes when we take it personally that it's really nobody's really reaching out to me, this can make you feel like I'm going to isolate, I'm going to not talk to anybody, I'm not gonna invite anybody. And so sometimes it could be something as simple as doing a low pressure pulse check, right? So instead of hey, we haven't talked in a while, try thinking of you today. No need to reply if things are hectic, just want to send some love. This is just a mindset shit to remind you that sometimes you are the person, right? You are the connection, you are the one that reaches out, and that's okay, but it's not gonna always be that way, and you have to gauge that for yourself, right? You have to just pause and see who is open and receptive to you. Because if you're constantly reaching out to someone and maybe they take two days to respond back to you, or maybe you invite them and they don't get back to you right away, or they're always saying no to you, and that's an indication that that's someone maybe you just need to take some space from. Because listen, I've been there as well that when you feel that you are reaching out, that you are putting in like 70% of the energy into this friendship or in this relationship, and you're really not getting it back, that can really feel really devastating, and it could really feel draining, so it's really up to you to really assess that for yourself. Another one that I hear a lot about is I feel like everyone is looking at me and wondering why I'm alone. So, this is the one where you know, you if you've ever wanted to go on solo dates and you feel like I can't go out there because everybody's gonna stare at me, they're gonna think, Why am I alone? They're gonna think I'm a loser. And the truth is that that's all in our minds, right? That's a narrative that we've created in our minds because we probably are uncomfortable and we feel really like weird about it. One thing you can do is if you go out to like, let's say you want to go out for a coffee shop, don't just go sit at a table and stare at the wall and just drink your coffee, right? Because you're gonna feel uncomfortable, you're gonna feel weird. Sometimes bring a book, a journal, bring something that you know you can do so that you are out there, but you're not feeling like you're not doing anything and it feels really awkward and people are staring at you. And sometimes it could be doing a little exposure therapy, right? Just going out there for a 15-minute coffee date by yourself before you go out and go to a whole dinner that you're there for like an hour. It could be even like a movie. So, like there's a movie that you're really wanting to watch, and you can't find anyone to go with, or maybe you just want to go by yourself, right? Just go stop somewhere, get some snacks, book a seat, and just watch the movie all by yourself, and that could be less awkward. So there's different ways that you can work around this. I would say just take it easy and start small, do little things here and there and build yourself up because again, like I said earlier in this episode, right? There's a difference between being lonely and actually choosing solitude so that you can just be with yourself and do something that you truly want for your own purpose. Okay, so those were the two questions that I've been hearing a lot about, which is the whole idea of you know, we want to start by spending time with ourselves and being out in spaces so that we can feel socially connected and just being open and receptive to that. And also sometimes we have to do the work. Like if we want to feel connected, it's our responsibility to sometimes be the person to reach out, be the person to send a text, to start a conversation, to say hi. In order for us to want to feel connected, we have to also be the person to connect. And so that's really important when it comes to feeling less lonely. So I want to leave you with some action steps that you can take. Again, I want this podcast to be something where you can listen and take action, especially if this is something that you're struggling with right now. If you're someone that's been feeling lonely, or if you know someone that has been feeling really lonely or, you know, has been more isolating lately. This could be a great episode to send to them so that they can know how to take the steps in order to feel more connected. So, number one is the five-minute reach out. So, this could be something where you send a voice note or a text to one person that you haven't spoken to in over a month. And again, it's not about like overthinking it. Just say I was thinking of you today and I wanted to say hi. Another thing you could do sometimes, I do this from time to time myself, is if I see a short video, if I see a meme, if I see a quote, I'll just send it to someone that I might think they might either they need a laugh or it made me remind me of them. And sending something like that could be a good way to just like open that little door to let the person know I've been thinking about you. Another thing you could do is called the third space visit, which means go to a public place, it could be a library, a park, a local coffee shop for one hour without headphones, and simply being in the physical presence of others, even without talking, can break the bubble of isolation. Again, this could be something where you bring a book, you bring a crossword puzzle, you bring your coloring book, and you buy, you go to this coffee shop, buy your favorite coffee, buy yourself a little treat, and you're just there. You're there, you're out, you're not in your house, you're not locked up, you're somewhere where you're open, there's people around, and that just being in a social situation, a social environment could be some a good place for you to start. And the last thing is the intentional invite. Look at your calendar for the next week and pick a specific time, reach out to one person and ask, I'm going for a fill-in-the-blank, grabbing a tea, going for a coffee, going for a brunch Tuesday at four, would you like to join me? And I will say I've had friends and acquaintances that have done this for me, and it actually feels really nice to just get an invitation for a random, fun little thing that you can do with someone. So something like that could be really helpful. So, again, doing something. I want you to pick something from what I just suggested to really help you to again be receptive, be open, be intentional about being more socially connected. Okay, my friend, that is all for today's episode. And I know sometimes these small actions can feel really scary, but if we want to break free from this isolation that we find ourselves in, this may be a needed step to take to feel more connected to others and feel less lonely. So I hope that you really enjoyed this episode. I hope that you resonated and you learned something from this episode and that you are willing to take some steps in order to break free from that. I would also encourage you to share this with a friend. If you know someone who has been feeling lonely, or if you know someone who really wants to be more socially connected, please send this episode to them so they can learn ways to just break free from this isolation and this loneliness. Because adulthood is hard, adulting is hard, and the last thing we need is to be isolated, be lonely. I think we can all really, really learn from this episode and learn ways to just like build friendships, build connections, and just feel happier in our lives. So I want to thank you again for being here and I will talk to you again next week. Take care. Thank you so much for joining this conversation today. I hope this episode was helpful to you on your healing journey. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode packed with valuable tips and insights designed to empower you. If you found value in this episode, I'd be so grateful if you left me a review wherever you're listening from and share your thoughts and feedback. This really helps me to reach more women just like you. Thanks for listening.