Ep. 86 - Do It Scared: 5 Steps to Overcome Fear and Do Hard Things

Have you been putting off a big goal, making excuses, or waiting until you feel "ready" to take the first step? In this episode, we explore why doing new, uncomfortable things is so incredibly hard for us as human beings—and why waiting for the fear to vanish is a trap. I share my own raw, behind-the-scenes journey of bringing guests onto the podcast, navigating the heavy breathing and nerves, and choosing to do it anyway.

Tune in as I break down a practical, 5-step framework to help you acknowledge what’s holding you back, shift your internal dialogue, anchor into your true intention, and regulate your nervous system through the tough moments. Whether you’re looking to hire a personal trainer, leave a job you hate, or start dating again, this episode is your gentle push to take that first small action, embrace the beautiful mess of learning from mistakes, and experience the amazing dopamine rush of proving to yourself that you can do hard things.

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Transcript

Welcome And Podcast Mission

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Hello and welcome to the She Can Heal Podcast, a podcast aimed at helping women heal and thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I am your host, Kayla El Dia. I'm a licensed therapist and a self-care advocate that is passionate about helping women take back their power and help them realize they're important, worthy, and deserve the care and attention they give to those they love most in their lives. This show is meant to help inspire you on your healing journey, no matter if you're in the discovery phase and are just realizing that you have unhealed wounds, habits, and mindsets that are keeping you stuck in your life, or you've been on this journey for a while and are looking for inspiration, encouragement, andor new tools to help you continue on your healing journey. My goal is to help you realize that you can heal from all that life has thrown at you and are capable of evolving into your healthiest and happiest version. On this show, I will provide you with resources, tools, and insights to help you heal and thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually because you deserve all of that. So if you're ready to ditch the guilt and make yourself a priority, then you're in the right place. Because the truth is that you can't pour from an empty cup, even though most of us do this on a regular, and we really need to stop that nonsense. So get ready to be inspired, motivated, and equipped to truly thrive. Hello and welcome back to another episode on the Sheikin Hill Podcast. I am so happy to be here with you today. It's definitely one of my favorite things to do is to come and record an episode for you. But before we get into the episode, I just want to remind you that if you have not already, go and leave a review for the podcast. I would be so appreciative. This is one of the best ways that you can support the podcast, and again, I would be so appreciative. But let's get into today's episode. Today we're going to talk about doing hard things. And I think this is such an important topic, and I know that you will most likely relate to this. I am talking about how we as humans have such a hard time doing things that we feel are hard, uncomfortable, and for many of us, this can look very different. For example, I'll give you an example for myself. This year I decided that I wanted to bring guests on the show. This is something that I thought would bring a lot of value to the show. But with doing this, it required me to do something new, something I've never done before. And like I mentioned previously, it was something that was uncomfortable for me because it's a skill set that I've never learned. Yes, being a therapist, I talk to a lot of people, but this is different. This means that I'm talking to experts, planning out details, and at first it made me excited to see so many interested in coming on the show, but it also made me feel very nervous because, again, this is something I've never done. So I had two choices. Number one, not do it and let fear win. Or number two, do it whilst being scared and feeling uncomfortable. With the first one, I will never grow in this area, I'll never learn the skills needed to excel as a podcast host, which will bring a variety of different thoughts and feelings, such as never knowing what could happen if I would have taken those steps to interview guests and give value to you. I would probably feel like a failure. I'll probably feel stuck, and I would just be really down on myself. But if I choose number two, I will feel all the feelings that come with doing something new and unknown. I will learn to cope with those feelings as I take the necessary steps to execute the goal of interviewing guests, and this is going to allow me to grow my confidence, my skill set, and also meet so many amazing people who have so much to share. If you've been listening to the podcast, you know that I chose option two and I've been interviewing guests. And here's what happened. First, I have proven to myself that even though I was feeling fear, I can do something new and uncomfortable. Before each guest, I still feel nervous, uncomfortable, but I breathe through it and I get it done. And then after each interview, I get a rush of dopamine because I have proven to myself that I did it. I get so motivated and I get so excited for so many reasons for doing it scared, for meeting great women, for having valuable resources to share with you, for hearing how much the guests love the work that I do. And this causes me to feel excited and want to keep doing it. But also, I have made mistakes. But with each mistake, I've learned something new. I learned about recording, about calendars, about scheduling, about preparation, right? And all these mistakes I've made have just helped me to get better and better. Yes, it doesn't feel good in the moment. Mistakes do not feel good, but they are a part of life, and human beings are not perfect. So now on to you. I want you to think about something that you've been wanting to start or execute, but have not, because maybe you've convinced yourself that it's too hard or that you're not ready or capable, or you think it's going to require too much of you, and the list goes on. This could be something big like dating after a divorce or a loss of a spouse. This could be finally leaving a job you truly hate, or it could be finally starting that diet, booking that personal trainer, or even starting therapy. No matter what it is, your fear or your self-doubt has stopped you from taking that first step. And believe me, I know how hard that can be because these goals require you to do something different or what we might label as hard. So I have a few steps for you if you have found yourself in this predicament where you want to pursue something in your life, but you have not felt ready or capable of taking that first step. So I'm gonna go through a step-by-step process that's gonna help you to identify things that you can do when you are noticing that this is where you are. And the first step is the first step is I think anything, which is acknowledging that you have been holding yourself back from starting or taking that first step, right? Number one is always like gaining that insight because before you can change anything, we first need to acknowledge that there's something we are not happy with, right? In order for you to change anything, you have to know that there is something that you want to change. It may be you notice that you've made excuses for not starting, maybe you've noticed that you have told yourself that you don't have time for it, that you don't have money for it, that you don't feel ready to start, or you just postpone it and say after this month or after the new year, and then you don't start. So step one is really reflecting on what is it, is there something that I that I've been wanting to do and I have just been holding myself back, or I have been too scared, too nervous, and coming up with a lot of excuses. Okay, so number one is just acknowledging that there is something that you really want to do that you haven't been able to do. Number two is to notice the internal message that you are telling yourself. So, what are you saying to yourself when you think of starting that goal or taking that step? It's always something important for us to identify because usually it's a message that we are replaying over and over and over. It might be something like, I'm not ready, that's too hard, I don't know how to even start, or what I have said to myself is I will mess this up, or I will not know how to do it. So, right, we just constantly say these negative things to ourselves that discourages us, that scare us, that almost like validates like this is too hard for me and I can't do this. For example, let's say you want to start working with a personal trainer because you want to get physically stronger. And maybe you notice that you keep making excuses for not starting. Maybe every time you think about it, you say to yourself, I'm scared that it'll be too hard, or I don't think I can handle it, or it's probably going to be too expensive. You essentially convince yourself that you can't do it. So then you forget about it until the next time that you see yourself in the mirror or you feel weak and you start being critical to yourself about why you haven't pursued this thing. I'm sure we've all been there. Think of yourself. I'm sure you can come up with a time where you've been through this. Okay, step three is to identify the intention for doing that thing. If your intention is important enough, then you're gonna feel it is worth being uncomfortable and doing it. For example, for me, my intention for beginning to interview guests was to help to grow the podcast and bring another level of value. This to me is very important because I truly love this podcast, and my goal is to have the podcast reach more and more women. For women to listen to my podcast, to receive tools, inspiration, support that they need to take the action that they need to heal and grow physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And the other intention was for me to do something scary so that I can grow personally. And since that intention was especially important to me, I started to do the thing, right? Each step that I took was scary, it made my heart race, but I still did it. When the first guest reached out to me, it scared me. But in that moment, I learned to take the next step, even though I was scared or I felt I wasn't ready and received all those messages I said to myself, right? Of like, you don't know what you're doing. How do you even start? Right? All those things that we say to ourselves to try to convince us, like, what are you doing? So I want you to think to yourself, right? This might be a journaling session with you and your thoughts. What do I why do I want to do this? And let your inner guidance lead you to the answers. Or you might not need that, you might already know wherever you are, as long as you can be really clear about your intention. That is important because it's about like the why, right? If the why is big enough, if the why is important enough, you're gonna say, I'm gonna do this. I know it's gonna be scary, and I know it's gonna make me feel uncomfortable, and I know I'm gonna have to learn a lot of things, but I'm gonna do it because I believe that this is something that I truly wanna do because of these reasons. Okay, so again, get clear on your intention. Like, why do you want to do this? Right? Why do you want to leave your job? Why do you want to start dating again, right? Make it very clear and really identify that why. Step four is identify ways that you can work through those tough moments, right? So we can't just jump into this without really like having preparing ourselves, okay? So when you're ready to make that phone call or book that trainer, that's when you're going to feel the fear rise up. That's when it's gonna get real, like that's when your body's gonna shake, right? That's when you're going to just like your breathing's gonna get heavy. Like for me, I would shake every time that I need to take that next step. So the idea is that we're not gonna let that stop us, right? Because the fear is just there because this is something different, uncomfortable, it's something new, right? It's the unknown of what will happen. Will this work out? Right? All of those things is normal because this is something that you have never done before, and your brain is just doing what the brain does, it's trying to protect you, it's trying to like the cortisol is rising up because it's ready, it's getting you ready. It's like, oh, something bad is about to happen, right? But it's not, right? It's just discomfort, and we can get through discomfort, but we just need to have some strategies, right? Some tools to get us through it. Some ideas are practice a breathing exercise like the box breathing, where you breathe in for four, you pause for four, you breathe out for four, you pause for four. And you could do this for a few rounds. That's gonna really just like settle and calm down your body. Or it might be moving your body to release that built-up cortisol. So maybe you just need to go for a 10-minute walk around the around the um neighborhood, or maybe you just need to do some body stretches, right? Stretch your arms, stretch your legs. Maybe you need to like stand up and just do a couple like jumping jacks or even just like jump up and down because movement is going to release that adrenaline and that cortisol. And I want you to identify the internal message that you need in that moment. It could be I can do this, or I got this, or even like little by little, I'm gonna get there, right? So you need to identify what is that message. I like to combine both when I'm feeling really stressed and I'm noticing that the fear rises up for me. What I will do is I'll do a I'll breathe in, right? In that moment, I'll say that message to myself like you can do this, girl. You've done worse, harder things in your life. You're gonna breathe out, right? And then just continue to do that until you start feeling ready. When it passes, then you continue with the step you need to take. And the last step is to take action. So no matter how small it is, just do it. If you're feeling scared, pause, self-soothe in whatever way feels good for you. For me, it's closing my eyes, calming my breath, and giving myself the words I need to hear, as I just mentioned. For example, I might say something like, You can do hard things, girl, you've done scarier things than this, you will get through this, and so on. Every time I did something scary, like when I made the decision to start my prior practice, that was scary as heck because I had to do things that I've never like knew I've never done before, right? It's like starting a business. When you start a business, you're gonna learn things that you've never done before, right? And literally, I just wrote down all the steps that I needed to take, and I didn't rush through it. I didn't tell myself, you're gonna, you know, you're gonna be live to take on clients in like a month or two. I said no. I'm gonna give myself these small steps, and I'm just going to take one step at a time, no matter how long it takes me. And every little small step I took, I ain't gonna lie, my body shook. My breathing was heavy, it was scary, it did not feel good, and I still took the step. And I guarantee you this that when you do each scary step, and after the adrenaline, the cortisol passes, you're gonna feel so proud of yourself. Your motivation is going to soar to that next level, right? It's gonna help you to take that next step, it's gonna motivate you anytime I took a step, like, especially things that I've never done before, like you know, set up my website, like just figuring things out, you know, putting myself out there, all of these things after I finish that step. Like, oh my god, the dopamine rush that you get, and you just are like, wow, Kayla, like you really just did that, like you did that all on your own, like you really did that. And the caveat is this if you're scared that you're gonna mess up, believe that you will. Remind yourself that perfect is nonsense, no one is perfect, and if you don't believe me as someone who has achieved a big goal, or look for people that you admire, and I will guarantee you that if they're real, they have admitted to making mistakes. And the goal is to acknowledge that you will make mistakes and you will learn from those mistakes, and then you're gonna make the necessary adjustments to keep going. Like I told you earlier, I made mistakes and it sucks, right? It sucks when you make a mistake, but also that's an opportunity for you to learn to say, all right, this didn't work out, or ooh, next time this is how I have to do it. It's not an opportunity for you to say, this doesn't work, I suck at this, and I'm done. Okay, so as far as the small steps, let's look at an example. Let's stay with the person who wanted to hire a personal trainer, but she kept making excuses, right? The first step could be that she can identify what she can afford. Maybe it's coming up with a budget, maybe it's sitting down, looking at her expenses, her income, and really say to herself, this is what I can afford, realistically afford to pay a trainer every single month. That could be step one. Maybe step two could be looking up trainers in her area and see what who see what's out there, right? Read bios, visit websites, or even go on social media and ask for recommendations. This can also be someone who might say to themselves, do I want a virtual trainer or do I want an in-person trainer, right? Because at this point you can have both, right? So am I comfortable with doing it on my own or do I need someone that I am working with right here in order to meet my goals? Step three might be to now that she's done that work, now she can narrow down maybe two trainers and contact them for a consultation call. And this is the scary part, right? This is the part where she's gonna have to like step out of her comfort zone, work through the fear, and actually contact the trainers. But this is the important part. This is the part where it's going to really matter. Step four could be after she's had those consultations calls, she can pick the one she wants to work with. That's the one that's gonna fit fit well with her goals, her budget, her schedule. Maybe she decided, you know what, in person is what I want to do. So, which one are you going to go with after doing all the different work that you've done? And the last step is she's going to book her first session. Another really, really hard thing, depending. I mean, I think for some of us that's exciting. For some of us, it's scary, depending where you are and depending on what your goal is, right? And again, as you've seen, these are all really small steps. And like I told you what I did when I started my practice, you don't have to rush through them, right? You don't have to say, I need to do this by the end of the week, unless that's comfortable for you. You know, if you feel like you need to give yourself deadlines, do it, right? Maybe it might be something like, I'm going to go online, I'm going to look for some trainers, and I'm going to come up with at least two in my area that I think would be a good fit. And I'm going to do that by the end of this week. Right? And then maybe the next week. Next week, I now that I've I'm going to book that consultation call, I'm going to narrow it down to two, I'm going to make those phone calls, and by next the end of next week, I'm going to have that done. That could be a really good way to keep yourself accountable as well. And if she feels any stress, if she feels any anxiety come up for her while she's taking any of these steps, again, it's about taking a break to calm your mind. Right? Again, doing any of the things that I mentioned or whatever works for you, even if it's just like, you know what, I need to go and take a minute, go drink a cup of water, I need to stand outside and take a couple deep breaths outside, or I need to go for that walk. Whatever you need to do to settle yourself, and then come back and finish that step. Okay. This is what we need to do. What we need to do is say, I'm not gonna let my fear stop me from doing this thing that I really want to do. But it's important for us to acknowledge that these steps are scary, right? These steps are going to bring up feelings of anxiety and fear and stress. Your body might feel really stressed out, and so take a break, take care of yourself, and then come back and finish that step. Again, these steps probably seem like they're minimal work, but these steps are big because you are putting yourself in action and taking step by step by step is going to lead you to where you want to be. Okay. So these are the steps that I would recommend for you if you need to do something hard. These are the steps that I personally have taken to pursue my big goals. So now it's your turn to take action. Here's what I would recommend. Number one is definitely follow the steps I have outlined. I'm gonna review them now. Number one, take time to journal and reflect on what you've been holding yourself back from doing. What have you been wanting to start, but you keep making excuses, or you've been too scared to start? So, step one is give yourself, schedule it, just you and some people. Paper and just literally identify what is that thing to identify what is the internal message that you've been telling yourself that's stopping you from taking that first step. Again, this is going to be helpful so that later on you can challenge it when the fear comes up. Next is getting clear on your intention. So again, identify your why. Why is this important for you? Why is this something that you feel would change your life and you're gonna be willing to get uncomfortable to achieve this thing? This is really, really important. Four is identify your coping skills. What is gonna help you when it feels hard and uncomfortable? Right? Again, is it your breath? Is it movement? Is it music? Is it a cold drink? Whatever it is. I want you to identify what your coping strategy is going to be when it's time to do the hard thing. And step five is take the smallest step you can take. No matter how small it is, I want you to take it. And when you do, I want you to celebrate in whatever way feels good to you. It could be something as simple as giving yourself a high five in the mirror, it could be do a happy dance, it could be write yourself a thank you letter or note for doing the hard thing, whatever way feels good to you, do it right. Because again, it's all about celebrating those little wins because all those little wins are actually big wins, right? Because if we think about the person, the girl who's trying to, you know, book that trainer for the first time, she's been scared to do it, she's been making excuses, and even for her to sit down and to come up with a realistic budget, right? That's big because that is the first step that's gonna get her to the next step. Because now she's gonna be clear about how much I can afford, so that way that's gonna help her to identify when it's time to book a trainer, right? Because again, it's not about her taking taking steps that are not going to be good for her, right? So if she's saying I can afford$100 a week, and she's talking to a train, and the trainer says, Well, I charge$200 a week, and then she feels scared and she's like, Yeah, I think I could do that, then she's gonna get herself in trouble, right? But really saying to herself, like, I can realistically afford a hundred dollars a week and I'm going to look for a trainer that fits into my budget. Now she's gonna feel good about booking that trainer, but she she did that first step, right? So again, don't think about those little first steps as nothing, those are all steps that you're taking in the right direction. And again, it's all about supporting yourself through that process. It's saying that this is hard and it's making me feel uncomfortable, and I'm noticing that I'm feeling stressed, or I'm noticing the anxiety is coming up. It's not saying this is not for me, it's saying, All right, let me take a break, let me settle myself, let me breathe, and just calm down my mind, calm down my body, let my brain kind of settle down. I might have to go outside and just take a couple deep breaths with a nice cup of water and just like again settle yourself and then come back and finish what you need to do. Okay. I hope that this was helpful to you, especially if you're a person who is currently finding herself again in this place of like stuckness where you're saying, I've been wanting to do this thing, I've been wanting to start this thing, but it feels too hard. And the idea is that changes or doing something new, all of that is hard. Like I told you, I've given you several examples of myself of times where it's been really hard. And again, it's not hard because we're not capable, it's hard because our brain convinces us that it's something we can't handle, right? And a lot of times that's when you're doing something new, right? It's the unknown of am I gonna mess this up? Am I going to look like an idiot while I'm interviewing guests, right? And the truth is that I'm capable, right? I'm capable. My brain is giving me these messages because it's trying to protect me and it's trying to keep me safe, but also like I want to do this thing and I know that I can handle it, right? So no matter what the message that you're hearing or you're telling yourself, it's really important to say, no, that's not true, right? I can handle this. Yes, it's gonna be uncomfortable, but it's not because I can't handle it, it's because it's different, it's new, and I have to just learn something that I've never done before, right? So, again, I hope this was helpful to you. I hope that this is gonna help you to take the steps necessary to go ahead and pursue like the big goals in your life or those big things that you really have been putting off because you've been so scared and nervous to do. And please share this with a friend. If you know a friend who you know could really benefit from this information, maybe you've noticed that she's been holding herself back from pursuing something that she truly wants. Share this with her, give her this episode and tell her, follow these steps. Let's get to our goals. All right, my friend, thank you so much for being here with me today. And I'm gonna talk to you again next week. Take care. Thank you so much for joining this conversation today. I hope this episode was helpful to you on your healing journey. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode packed with valuable tips and insights designed to empower you. If you found value in this episode, I'd be so grateful if you left me a review wherever you're listening from and share your thoughts and feedback. This really helps me to reach more women just like you. Thanks for listening.