Master-Dating: How I Learned to Stop Outsourcing Intimacy

What if the intimacy you’ve been craving… starts with you?

In this episode, I open up about the ritual that brought me back to myself after feeling disconnected in love. I share how “master-dating” helped me reconnect with my body, my desires, and my identity so I can show up differently in future relationships.

This isn’t about being alone.
It’s about staying connected to yourself… no matter who you’re with.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Doses of Her. I've been wanting to share this ritual for a while now. But it wasn't until I stepped away from it that I realized how much it's actually shaped me over the last two years. And it didn't come from a book or a trend or something I saw online. It actually came from a season of my life where I had to get really honest with myself about how disconnected I felt, even when I wasn't alone. In that season, I was creating this practice I didn't have a name for at the time. I now call it master dating. And before you think this is about being single or independent or not needing anyone, that's not what this is. This is about learning how to stay connected to yourself, no matter what season you're in, whether you're single, dating, or in a relationship. Because the truth is you can be in love with someone and still feel completely disconnected from yourself. And if you've ever felt that, then you already know why this conversation matters so much. So I think that a lot of us enter relationships feeling connected to who we are. We know what we like, we know what lights us up, we have our own rhythm. And then slowly we start adapting, we start adjusting, we start pouring into the relationship. And somewhere in that process, we stop pouring into ourselves in the same way. And it's not done intentionally, it just happens gradually. And over time, something shifts. You don't feel as expressed, and you don't even fully recognize the version of you that exists inside that dynamic anymore. And it's super subtle. It doesn't always look like something is wrong. It just feels like something's missing until one day you realize you don't feel like yourself anymore. And for me, this became really clear after I came out of a long-term relationship. And I had to sit with the reality that there were parts of me that felt starved emotionally, physically, and energetically. I had been deeply craving intimacy, connection, being seen and being understood. And for a moment, it would have been easy to place all of that outside of me. It would have been easy for me to say, that's just something that person couldn't give me. But the deeper truth was harder. I wasn't just experiencing a lack. I had slowly disconnected from myself inside the relationship as well. I stopped doing the things that made me feel alive. I stopped nurturing the parts of myself that mattered to me. And I remember having this quiet moment where I realized I'm craving things I'm not even giving myself anymore. And that shifted everything because now it wasn't about blame, it was about responsibility. And that's where this practice started. It wasn't just a concept, it was a decision I made to come back to myself, to stop waiting to feel chosen and to start choosing myself in real, tangible ways. And I didn't overhaul my life overnight. I started small. I started creating moments for myself on purpose. I created a weekly date night, not because I had to, but because I wanted to experience what it felt like to be considered, to be thought of. Even if it was by me, I would buy myself flowers for no reason, just because. And I remember the first few times it felt a little unfamiliar, but I stayed with it because there was something about walking into my own space and seeing them there that felt like I'm here for you. And then I started cooking again. And I mean really cooking. I was trying new meals, taking my time, sitting down and enjoying it instead of rushing through it. And I realized it wasn't about being alone. It was about being with myself, learning myself again, learning what I like, learning what feels good, learning what nourishes me. And I didn't expect how grounding those moments became. How they started bringing me back into my body and back into my life. It was rebuilding a relationship with myself one moment at a time. And then I had to face something deeper. My relationship with my own body. Physical touch is my love language. And I realized how disconnected I had become from that part of myself. So I made a conscious decision to explore that. I had to reconnect with my body in a way that felt intentional and intimately. I started creating space for myself to feel again, to understand what actually turns me on, what feels good and what doesn't. I allowed myself to be curious and to try new things, even introducing new toys and learning my body in a way I hadn't before. And it wasn't about replacing a partner, it was about removing the idea that intimacy had to be outsourced. It was about building a relationship with my own body. So that when I step back into dating, I'm not guessing and I'm not hoping someone figures me out. I know myself and I can communicate and guide that experience. Because now intimacy doesn't start with someone else, it starts with me. Another part of master dating that changed me was giving myself permission to try new things and also revisit parts of me I had put down. Because when you disconnect from yourself, you don't just lose emotional connection. You lose curiosity, you lose play, and you lose expression. For me, one of those things was dance. I've always loved dancing, but there was a desire I had never explored, and that was pole dancing. And when I finally gave myself permission to try it, it unlocked something in me. It wasn't just physical, it was confidence, it was presence, it was sensuality, it was strength. It reminded me that there are parts of you that are waiting to be discovered. And sometimes you meet new versions of yourself through new experiences. That's part of master dating too. Letting yourself evolve, letting yourself explore, and allowing yourself to be surprised by this exploration. So when I say master dating, I'm not talking about dating yourself because you don't need anyone. That is not the point, and that is not the energy. Master dating is the practice of staying connected to yourself as you evolve. It's continuing to learn yourself, whether you're single or in a relationship. It's making sure that as you grow and change, you're aware of it. It's making sure you don't lose your rhythm, your desires, your connection to yourself just because you're building with someone else. One of the hardest things I experienced was changing and growing and becoming a different version of myself and not fully knowing how to articulate it. And a part of that came from the fact that I wasn't actively connected to who I was becoming. I was just changing in real time without checking in. Masturbating changes that. So when you evolve, you're aware of it. You can express it and you can stand in it. And I want to say this too. This isn't something I did for a week and suddenly everything changed. I've been practicing this now for almost two years. And it doesn't look perfect. There are weeks where life is full, family, work, everything is happening all at once. And I'm not showing up the same way. But that's not the point. The point isn't to get it right every single time. It's to return, it's to come back to yourself again and again. Life will get loud, life will get busy, and life will pull you in a million directions. And this practice, it recenters you. It brings you back to yourself. And over time, that return becomes second nature. Because now you're not looking for someone to complete an experience for you. You're sharing an experience you already know how to create. You're not waiting for someone to create an experience for you. You already know how to create it. You're not depending on someone else to make you feel something. You're allowing them to meet you there. You're not looking to be completed, you're already connected. And that changes the dynamic. It softens the pressure and it raises the standard without you having to force it. And the person who comes into your life, they're not filling a void. They're meeting you somewhere you already know how to be. So if you're listening to this, this isn't about changing everything overnight. It's about asking yourself, where have I disconnected from myself? What parts of me have I stopped nurturing? What would it look like to start returning slowly? Maybe it's one night a week. Maybe it's trying something new. Or maybe it's sitting with yourself a little longer than you're used to. There's no right way to do it. The point is that you do. Master dating isn't about independence, it's about intimacy with yourself first. So that wherever you go, whoever you love, whatever season you're in, you don't lose yourself in the process. That's your dose for today. I'll meet you in the next episode.