E58:The Collar: Bond, Power, and Consent in BDSM

Welcome to Behindthepaddle podcast, the show where we unpack the power, nuance, and intimacy behind BDSM and alternative relationship dynamics. I'm your host, Porcelain Victoria, and today we begin a deeply personal and culturally rich hour journey into one of the most iconic symbols in BDSM: the collar.

Before we dive in, a content warning: this episode will explore adult themes, including power exchange, ownership dynamics, and emotional vulnerability within consensual BDSM practices. Everything discussed here assumes informed, enthusiastic consent between all participants. If you’re new to BDSM, or just curious, know that this space is judgment-free, educational, and affirming.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:01

Hello and welcome to Behind the Paddle Podcast with me, Porcelain Victoria. I am so happy. So I mentioned um on Instagram and on Fair about how we and in the previous episode where like I feel like I've abandoned the BDSM side of this podcast because obviously I do it every other day in work. It it just hasn't and and there's so much to talk about news-wise and topic-wise. I feel like I've just neglected the BDSM side. So we're gonna talk about something which is oh so dear to my heart. I'm just so so so so ecstatic and excited about this because this was one of the introductions which I had to BDSM, which was colouring. I oh I love it. I do, I absolutely do. So, colouring in BDSM. It's it it's beautiful. It is beautiful. We're gonna discuss quite a few things today. We're gonna talk about how personal it is to other people, and we're gonna have some people of the kink community some quotes and stuff. I did a little um put I put the question out there like what does colouring mean to you and stuff, and people commented and it was lovely because it shows that it is still popular, it still does mean something, and yeah, we're gonna look at the culture and look at the history. Oh, I'm so excited. It is such an iconic symbol in BDSM, the colour itself. So before we dive in, a content warning, we're gonna talk about adult themes including power exchange, ownership dynamics, and emotional vulnerability within consensual BDSM practices. Everything discussed here assumes informed, enthusiastic consent between all participants. If you're new to BDSM and you want to know about colouring or you just haven't heard of it before, then strap in. You are gonna get educated. And yeah, this is a judgment free zone, obviously, uh Behind the Paddle Podcast. And yeah, we're we're gonna enjoy this episode. I'm so hyped. You can hear it. I am gonna be doing a few more BDSM episodes every now and again. Um yeah, I'm so excited. So what is colouring? Colouring is the in the most basic sense, refers to an act of one person placing the collar around the neck of another as a symbol of a specific kind of relationship, often one that involves a power exchange, commitment, and is a ritual in a way. In many ways, it parallels the concept of engagement or marriage in vanilla relationships. But a collar isn't just jewellery, it's a declaration, a marker of intention and identity. For many, being collared is an emotional and spiritual experience. It can say things like, I belong to you, or we have built something together that deserves recognition. And it's also important to note that colouring can take many forms, which we're going to talk about in this podcast episode. It might be a total 24-7 total power exchange relationship, or it might be symbolic, used only during scenes. Some people wear day colours that blend into a professional setting. Others engage in colouring as a temporary part of a scene or weekend dynamic. So, to fully understand the weight of the colour in BDSM, we have to explore its deeper cultural and historical roots. Throughout history, colours and neck, adornments have symbolized loyalty, servitude, partnership, and status. In ancient Rome, slaves wore colours to denote ownership. In medieval Europe, serfs and servants sometimes wore metal bands or tokens indicating fealty to a lord. Even in ancient Egypt, white colours were worn by royalty and priesthood to signify divinity and power. But history also shows that neckwear has been used to denote love and commitment. Consider the choker necklace of the Victorian era, often seen as a marker of femininity, intimacy, and even eroticism. In marriage traditions rings serve a similar function to colours. They're worn to show commitment, exclusivity, and belonging, and in some spiritual traditions, necklaces or cords are tied in ritual to symbolize vows and sacred bonds. The BDSM community reclaims and reconceptionalizes many of these historical associations. What was once a symbol of oppression can now become a consensual empowering choice. This is part of what makes colouring so potent. It bec it doesn't ignore history, it engages with it and transforms it through intentionality and consent. So how did colouring become such a staple in king culture? Much of modern BDSM, as we know, took shape during the leather subcultures of the mid-20th century. In gay male leat communities, colouring rituals began to emerge as part of formalized relationships between masters and boys, or dominance and submissives. These were not casual acts, they involved protocol, community witness and serious emotional commitment. This is also something we're gonna talk about in another episode, like high protocol, where there is a protocol, there are rules, and yeah, I'm very excited for the future. As kink culture expanded to include more orientations, genders, and relationship structures, the concept of colouring diversified. In lesbian kink scenes, for example, colouring also became a ritual of chosen family and erotic authority. In hetero BDSM, colouring evolved both as an intimate, covel-centered act and as a public community event. Today you'll find colouring in a vast spectrum of relationships. Some folk use it as a long-term commitment symbol, like marriage. Others treat it as a functional tool during scenes, used to signal a submissive headspace. Some choose virtual colouring in long-distance dynamics, using apps or rituals to maintain connection. Yeah, I know there's a lot of people who do put collars on when in scenes, and it really does help them feel owned and in the subspace in scenes. It's cute, it's adorable. I had one submissive write-in. When my dominant placed the collar around my neck, I cried. It wasn't about ownership in a degrading sense. It was about trust and being seen. About knowing that someone was willing to take responsibility for my heart and growth. I mean, even with me, I have been collared. I have been collared, I believe it was for three years. And that was with a 24-7 sub-dom relationship where we were partners as well. Um, and yeah, that was exhausting to say the least, to be completely 24-7 for um three years, and like there was barely any time to like not be like submissive and stuff, and that comes with talk, that comes with communication, which is absolutely vital as well. There is so much that comes with wanting to do it 24-7. Like sometimes you do need to just let your guard down and just just fucking chill. Absolutely chill. You don't need to be so for some people you do need to be dominant all the time, but see how it affects like your mental health and your relationship and the people around you. It can be good, it can be bad, it all depends on what you're okay with, and it doesn't have to be 24-7 at all. Whether you're into protocol heavy relationships or fluid Intuitive Power Exchange. The colour can serve as a touchstone, a reminder of what you've built and what you're still building. It's beautiful, it really is having a colour. Like I'm g I'm I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. So what are the types of colours in BDSM? So we have and so we've got a few different types of colours, but you have to remember everybody's dynamic is completely different. So we've got like the consideration colour, which is given at the beginning of a potential DS relationship. It signals that both parties are exploring a dynamic seriously and with intention. It's akin to dating with the potential for exclusivity. So with that, like again, every colour's different, you can interpret it differently because it just depends on your relationship with the consideration colour. Um, you might want to let them still explore freely, but you're both thinking about each other, you're both in the back of your minds, and you might want to actually have exclusivity, you might not. All depends on what sort of relationship you have with that person, and it is very, very important to communicate. Very important. So then you have the training colour, often used during the phase when a submissive is learning the rules, protocols, or behaviors desired in the dynamic. It's practical and symbolic, showing commitment to the process of growth. So I remember I I I remember was going into porn now. I remember watching the upper floor. If any kinksters remember the upper floor, it's on Pornhub, but I think they have their own website now. Um they had a castle, it was amazing, and it was my first time seeing people get collared because I remember they had a colouring ceremony, and of course, um the subs would be coloured as well, and I was like, oh, this is really interesting. This was at a young age because as I've mentioned in a few episodes, just given a little sprinkles of my life with the fact that I have um known about BDSM from a really young age, from the age of like 11, 12, and some people may be shocked about that, but that is um there's there was a study recently where that's like the norm that people do explore their bodies, they start to question things and such, and yeah, it being collared was definitely something which I still want and I would love to be, and yeah, it it means more to me than marriage in like the traditional sense of rings and such, and of course, there is a difference between colouring and marriage, the traditional marriage, because like there is no legal side to it or anything like that. I mean you can absolutely make up a sub-dom contract, um, which you can then take to a lawyer and see if it is possible, but yeah, you'll have to like tweak a few things, I'm sure, because you're not getting ordained or anything like that. Um but yeah, it's cute. I love training colours, and colours can come in many, many different forms. There's not for from my point of view, there isn't a right or wrong way of doing colours. Um I very much like the flashy type of colours. I don't like anything big or anything like that, but I like ribbons, maybe maybe little spikes, but like gems and stuff, and um nice, nice and bold a little bit. Yeah, like if you do look up anything like what colours are meant to look like, they are quite similar, honestly. Um you can call anything a ownership collar a training colour to an extent because there is that freedom nowadays where we don't have the protocol of this is what this looks like and you have to have this. It there's a lot more f free freeing about it. I mean what I can think of is like the only difference I can think of between um the colours which I'm going to be talking about is there's a posture collar, which is exactly how it sounds. Um it's usually big at the front, and yeah, if you look at what a posture collar is, you'll be like, oh yeah. So the point of a posture collar is quite simply to help your posture with keeping your head up. And yeah, that's the only thing which I can think of which really shows a big difference between certain colours, because yeah, we do have so much more freedom now these days that a training collar can look like anything, a consideration collar can look like anything. Um, a day collar is a little bit different. With a day collar, you can wear it in public or at work, and it is subtle enough to pass as a necklace or a choker. I mean, with a day collar, you it can be like it literally can be just like a love heart, a locket. It doesn't necessarily matter what it looks like, it matters what it means to you. You have that meaning of this means I'm owned by somebody, or this somebody's thinking about me, and oh it was a really good scene that we had and we used this collar. Okay, so um if you're watching, then I'm just button in right now. Um I I'm emoji. Uh I didn't occur to me that like I could just show what a posture collar is. So that's what I'm gonna do now. If you're watching, I'm gonna put this one on YouTube and I think a good majority of them. Um because I feel like I can just c do when when I'm nude, I can just do close-ups on my face, um, rather than my full body, and then I'll get away with it with YouTube. Um I don't really want to blur myself. Um so we'll see. But I think um for the podcast and views and such an algorithm, um video really does help much, much more for like it's sidetracked, but like for like more than a year of me doing podcasting, I've went from putting it on YouTube to putting it on subscription sites and just listening to it on YouTube and things, and like it's okay. Um like I've got audiences from um YouTube like seeing before, so I know it works and such, it's just effort. Like, I I've had people say I should get a personal assistant, but like I do this podcast by myself because it essentially is free, if that makes any sense. Like I don't want to have to pay somebody when I've already invested quite a bit of money into it. Um, and I don't really get anything in return. Like, I I do this because I enjoy the podcast, I like to educate people, I like to tell people what's going on in the world right now and talk about historical events. So yeah. For now, the podcast isn't profitable, which is fine. Um, but yeah, it's all about exposure and getting out. There and things like that. And yeah. I hope to continue this for a good few years. My ADHD is actually loving it, I think, because there is a different episode every week. I get to learn something and research and all that. And I bought a new mic as well, so I'm so excited to try that out. Um there's so many ums, I'm so sorry. Right, let me get a poster collar. Well that took me a while to find. Um, so yeah, this is a I have a lot of toys. Um so you can hear it ringing. That's uh it's got free buckles. And yeah, if you're watching, this is what a posture collar is. Yeah, it is just very goofy. I will show it to you on. Um, I won't lace it up, but lace it up, buckle it up. But yeah, this is basically what it does. It keeps your head up and yeah, you can't really move it that well. Um yeah, it's like a neck brace as well. And you've got like smaller posture collars, way smaller ones, which I think it's still used as like normal collars. But yeah, those are what a posture collar is, and like this one is a cutesy collar. This one I got for a sub. Um, we were going to an event and he needed a collar, so this is a nice sleek black, quite formal collar. Um, aside from it's it's got a bow in the middle with some um rainbow stars because it's cute. I have to have my sub looking really cute. Um, it's not too much, it's not um, yeah, it's not too much, it's not too flashy because we were going to a really formal event and it's got a lovely tag which says toilet on it. And then when you turn it over, it says Mistress Victoria's Toilet, and it's got a little bell, and then another one which I have in my hands here is it's a nice genuine leather collar, and ingrained it says slave in the leather, and then you have a a hole at the back for where you would lock it, basically, and you would lock it on. Okay, so the ones I have okay, so the ones I have now are actually mine and I really just wanted to show that you like you can have whatever fucking colour you like. There is no like rules or anything like that, because mine mine are all jingly. I love to jingle. And so this one is black leather fin. It's got a love heart which is encrusted with some lovely diamonds. Well, scrush scrushy diamonds? Yeah, squash-y crystals, that's it, and the diamonds. And yeah, it's like midnight themed, um, so it's got stars and moons hanging from it. I have another one, which is quite simple again, it's just pink leather. Um with a nice Sakura um flower in the middle. And then one of my other ones, I've got tons, I've got like 20 colours. I love colours. Um, I used to collect a lot back in the day. This one is I call it my Joker collar because it's red, purple, orange, it's frilly, it's got a big bow in the middle, it's got a bell obviously. It's cute. Um, yeah, and I've got one which has angel, black angel wings, and spikes coming out of it. It's pink and purple, leather. It's cute. I love them. Um yeah, so I thought I'd show you what some colours actually look like. So if you do want to see that, then it is on YouTube. But yeah, back to however I'm gonna split this. So yeah, there's different types, absolutely. You've got formal or permanent colours, which is the BDSA equivalent of a wedding ring. Me personally, I take collaring very, very personal. In my eight years of being a professional dominatrix, I haven't officially collared anybody. Um there's been contenders, obviously, but there really needs to be trust. It needs to make it out like even in the lifestyle realm, they need to understand you're not a kink dispenser. There are so many feelings that come with this, and so many emotions and mental health as well. Because if you've got somebody asking you multiple times, or can we session, can we session, can we have a scene, can we have a scene? Or they only come to you for a scene. Depending on your dynamic, if you're not okay with that, you need to speak up, you need to say this. And it becomes, it can become quite manipulative or toxic in the way of if somebody is just using you as a kink dispenser and you don't you're not okay with that, you can definitely have a dynamic where you only see each other for scenes, but you also need to make sure that you're in the right headspace and so and they're in the right headspace as well for when you do these scenes. So yeah, with formal or permanent colouring, it is a long-term commitment, and it is very deep, and it does come from the heart, and it might involve a ceremony, contracts, and you know, you might get the community involved. Some are even locked with keys kept by the dominant. Again, that like collars can look however you want them to look. It depends on how you feel about it, what it means to you. I don't think anybody should be looked down upon just because they have to wear a day collar or they prefer to wear a day collar rather than something around their neck. I know, especially in the neurospicy realm, that there are people who don't like things around their necks. So instead, they actually want like to wear a ring or a bracelet or um even earrings. Like something that means a lot to you. And as we we have discussed, the scene collars, there's play collars, which are used temporarily during the scene. And you know, they can be made out of anything, velcro, leather, they could be decorative, and yeah, it does help sometimes the submissive to drop into that subspace, which is another episode we're gonna talk about, where subspace is basically an altered mental state that some submissives experience during or after BDSM activities, especially those involving intense sensation, power exchange, or deep emotional connection. Now we're talking about like intense sensation or um with the power exchange. This this oh I I cannot express how communication is the absolute key. You could do something so light, so vanilla even to somebody, and they could get a massive impact during that scene, and they could have like a big subspace, they could get freaked out, they could have a massive drop after the end of the scene, which aftercare you would need to do as well. Which I'm trying not to get sidetracked because again, a lot of things are intertwined in with colouring, it is so deep in so many different ways, and yeah, the feel of subspace is often described as a trance-like, floaty, euphoric state that feels physically and mentally different from ordinary consciousness. The mental effects you can detach from reality, reduced ability to think critically or make decisions. You have deep relaxation, feels of euphoria, or emotional vulnerability. I know especially if I do a scene with somebody and I've got a lot of stress on my mind, afterwards I will cry. Absolutely. 110% because it brings up so much in the emotional sense, and you can absolutely feel vulnerable during the scene and after the scene, and because of how happy you can be afterwards as well, all your emotions can just come at once. You can, of course, as well the physical effects of being lightheaded, slowed speech, dulled pain perception, heightened sensitivity to touch or physical limpness. The emotional effects, you you need to have deep trust with somebody. You need to be open with every single bit of you. And yeah, you you get that feeling of a connection, you can be feeling peaceful and bliss, and as long as everything goes right. Absolutely. We will be talking more in an episode about aftercare, but I wanna I want to keep it a colouring and not go on like an hour tangent on aftercare because I do have a podcast episode coming up talking about aftercare and the chemicals um in our lovely brains with um talking about aftercare and stuff and what it does to us. And yeah, I'm so excited. I love BDSM, it is it is my life, it really is. I cannot live without it one bit. Um yeah, trying not to get sidetracked, this is difficult. So yeah, we've talked about how colours can look like anything and the meaning is the most important thing to you. Like, I doubt somebody will come up to you and just be like, oh, is that a training collar or is that a protection colour? Like, no, you're not unless it's a posture collar, you're not really gonna know what the heck it is because there's just not one thing for each, really. So yeah, protection colours, these are less common, but are still significant. We do, I I do see it on Fet Life, uh, which is the kinky version of Facebook, where people say certain people are under protection of other people, and so it is still out there, but the collar side of it, um it is less popular now these days, but it's given by um whoever that their protector, um, and it's to signify basically that they are being protected, simple as that. The meaning of any colour is personal, as was stated. Some are purely symbolic, others involve rituals and ceremonies, but all serve a function anchoring the dynamic and affirming the chosen roles. So I want to talk about the colouring ceremonies. Now this, oh, I would love a colouring ceremony at some point, whether that be me being the Dom or Sub, because oh, it's lovely, it really is. And I much genuinely prefer it to marriage because I'm not religious or anything like that, and I don't appreciate the legal side of marriage as well. Because it's like no. As I said, with colouring, you can make a contract up and things like that. You you can sort of make a prenup. But yeah, a colouring ceremony is a ritualized act of devotion, commitment, and recognition. It may be private or public, simple or elaborate. Some people write vows, others recite agreements, some include witnesses from the king community, mentors. So the typical elements of colouring, like the actual ritual, are basically what we have discussed, where like there's promises of service, protection, discipline, or devotion. And of course, when it actually happens, the dominant does place the colour around the subniv submissive's neck, sometimes locking it with a key. And one thing I'd like to point out is that it is very prominent um in stereotypes that it is just like quote unquote DOMs and subs when you can have an owner or a pet um do a colouring ceremony. Absolutely, you do not need to just be a dominant or a submissive. Like, we have so many roles these days, and again, we have the freedom to do whatever the hell we can do. There are no like legitimate rules, like you might get frowned upon because there is just assholes out there, but at the end of the day, if if you're living your life and you're not harming anybody, go for it. Like, yeah, with colouring, you don't need to be a submissive or a dominant. You like you can be a switch, you've both can be switches. There can be um a rigger, somebody who uses rope, or a rope bunny, somebody who gets tied up, or like they don't need to match either. Like, dominance can absolutely be colored. I know, absurd, crazy, oh my god, it is less common that it's carried out, and you know, there's obviously different meanings depending on who exactly is doing it and their own dynamics, but you can colour each other. There is nothing saying that you can't. Like dominants can receive colours from other dominants. In for instance, there has been masters slash mistresses, mistress apprentices, or mentorship dynamics where a more experienced dominant quote colours and newer dominant as a sign of recognition, responsibility, or community belonging. It can also occur in hierarchical leather families with a head of the house, which is another thing. You you can have houses and BDSM. Again, something which I would absolutely love, but that is very difficult, I want to say, to obtain and to keep. Communication is key in BDSM or any frickin' relationship, but especially BDSM. And then you've got ritual colouring for ownership or honour. Like some submissives offer a colour to their dominant in the reversal of traditional ceremony as a mark of their trust and gratitude. This is not about switching roles, but about symbolizing that the submissive chooses to follow that dominant. Some communities or families may colour dominance to mark their leadership status or serve to the community, not as a sign of submission, but a sign of recognition or honour. And when I say families, I don't mean like actual like inbred. Like I don't mean like related. Um it would mean just like BDSM families, friends, but who are seen as family. And of course, some DS couples mutually collar each other as a symbol of equal commitment, blending dominance and submission into a shared ritual. This often is used to emphasize co-creation of the dynamic rather than a strict hierarchy. Which honestly is really freaking cute. Like that that's cute. Do this and yeah it it's cute it's so cute, it's so cute. Oh I can't So I did interview some submissives and some dominants and the dominant I asked what what is a colour like for you when you collar somebody and they replied with quote when I decided to formally collar her I knew I was making a promise not just to her but to myself that I would guide with integrity, discipline, with care, and on the vulnerability she entrusted with me. And it's it's just so cute, it's so wholesome. I love colouring, I do. And his submissive replied with quote The moment he put a colour on me, I felt seen, known, and safe. It was the most vulnerable thing I've ever done and the most empowering. Oh, it's so cute, it's so cute. So with any colouring, like again, you can stylize it, you can customize it. If you want to get a custom colour made, go for it. If you are in like a colouring ceremony and you have like you want to write vows and stuff, go for it. It it is very much an open playing field with what you want to do. So we're gonna step into the heart of it all, the emotional and physical dimensions. What does it mean to give or accept a colour? How does it impact self-perception, attachment, and trust? So that's what we're gonna talk about now. At its core, colouring is about power. And paradoxically, about vulnerability. For many submissives, accepting a collar is an act of courage. It is about surrendering, not out of weakness, but from strength. It's saying, I trust you to hold space for my vulnerability. For dominance, offering a collar is not about conquest. It's a pledge of responsibility. I will protect, guide, and be accountable for this bond. Again, when you're in any type of relationship some with somebody, you've got to talk. Like it's 50-50 in a way, and you have to uh be able to like speak to that person. You both are responsible for the relationship and for any communication that comes in and out of that, and any consequences as well. Power exchange relationships aren't static. The emotional resonance of the colour can shift over time. In periods of deep connection, it may feel electric, like a tether that connects souls. In moments of conflict or distance, it can feel fucking heavy and even haunting. You might want to like throw it off and rage. And that is an emotional risk that comes with it. You obviously can get rewarded with it feeling all happy and lovey-dovey and stuff and all the good stuff, but the colour is more than the material that it is, it's a memory, it's a presence, and it's a psychological anchor. So I'm gonna be mentioning submissives a good few times because that is the stereotype for um colouring, and that is the usual like traditional route for roles, but really it can it can go for any role. So many submissives describe colouring as a turn-in point, not just in their relationship, but in their self-identity. Some describe it as coming home to themselves, others speak of it as shedding layers of fear or shame. I know personally that when I was coloured, it felt like I belonged to somebody, and like that's where I needed to be, and that's where I wanted to be, and it was wonderful, it was great. But for some, the collars become part of their internal architecture. They may even feel phantom sensations when it's not physically worn. They describe feeling the collar in moments of obedience, reflection, service, or praise. For dominance, the collar can be equally transformative. It is a reminder of their roles as protector, teacher, guide, and sometimes disciplinarian. A formal collar requires emotional labor, self-awareness, and willingness to lead with compassion and not ego. Now I would say that goes for everything, that goes for any role. Again, you're in this together, and so the feelings which I'm saying could be for either sob or dominant, or anybody who has the feeling of wanting to be colored or has a colour. Again, it doesn't matter on your role, you still will have a heavy heart with it, you will still feel that connection. So let's talk about emotional safety. What should people know before engaging in a colouring dynamic? The colour does intensify the relationship, I would say, and it raises the stakes. Like, you're talking about something so big in a relationship that you wanna show them that they are yours or you are theirs. It's a big thing. So both parties need to be honest about what they want and especially what they fear and what their boundaries are, what their past trauma is, if they have any abandonment fears, and if they know what their attachment styles are. All of these will show up in a DS relationship, um, especially if you take it beyond a DS relationship as well. Like you are doing so much with your bodies and your mental health as well, and and it really will show up. And I wanted to add this little segment in because it's very important that you see the red flags. Now I was in a DS relationship as well as a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship um for three years, and it did not end well. It was actually really, really toxic, and so I really did want to just talk about the red flags of um dominance, um, as well as people really pushing for a colour too soon, and they could use that to isolate or control you, or refuse to engage in ongoing consent conversations. And yeah, I wouldn't really want anybody to have a bad time with colouring or in any DS relationship. Like, there are big warning signs where you've maybe been seeing each other for like a month. If it's any less than like six months, like think about it, really think about it because it is to some people like marriage, it is a big thing, and you've gotta think long and hard if you really do want to spend potentially the rest of your life with this person in this dynamic. And if you don't want the dynamic or if you think something's gonna change, then you need to talk about that. If a submissive is overly eager as well, if the person who wants a colour is very overly eager, or they keep asking, then that is also a red flag, absolutely. Like it just it doesn't just lie on the dominant to have like all the red flags, the submissives absolutely can have red flags as well. I mean you both could have red flags, you could be both going into it proper um headfirst, and it might not be the right idea. You need to both understand your needs and understand that that if it is the right decision or not, because it is a big decision. Colouring it can be healing, it absolutely can, but it needs to be in a safe, consensual relationship where colouring can repair narratives of unworthiness or shame, it can become a secure attachment, one that empowers both parties to grow. Like I have trauma from previous relationships, and slowly healing that in other relationships is it's beautiful, it's great, as well as learning that you can be alone, you can be by yourself, you don't always need somebody there, especially um a DS relationship. You need to find yourself before you find another partner or somebody else to be with. When it comes to breakups, the removal of the collar and like the emotional aftermath, it it sucks. Because whether it's returned to caught or ceremonially removed, it it can be devastating for many. It's as painful as a divorce. It represents the collapse of sacred trust and the relationship, and you can feel very, very lost from that. Some communities encourage closing rituals, a decoloring ceremony, mutual reflection, or the physical destruction of the colour as closure. Whether joyful or painful, colouring is never neutral. It shapes who we are, how we love, and what we're willing to risk. Like I could absolutely go on and on about how you need to understand in relationships that we need to talk to each other. And I could obviously go on and on about how my previous relationships, um the main one about colouring just didn't go to plan. And it's something that you need to understand and wait for and think about the consequences really. But I think I'll try and make this like an hour left episode rather than a two-parter. So I also wanted to make sure that the poly community was involved in this because while I was making this, somebody actually asked me, oh, what about poly folk? If colouring is like marriage, and I was like, Oh, well, these days you can like have multiple partners, and you can be married to multiple people, so I don't really think that it's it's any different. As we've spoken about, you can have different relationships where somebody's colored in one relationship and um somebody's coloured as a different role in another. So we're gonna talk about inclusivity. Who gets to be colored, who gets to be seen as a dominant, who gets to tell that story. But colouring, like Kink itself, belongs to everybody. As I've been saying, like it's a freaking free-for-all. Like, including those in polymorphosis, it's gonna help my dyslexic ass with how to say this. I've had to look up a few words already, but polyamorous. I knew I said it wrong. Polyamorous relationships in polydynamics. Colouring can take many forms. A dominant might have multiple coloured submissives, each with distinct roles, boundaries, and agreements. Or a coloured submissive might serve more than one dominant in different capacities. These dynamics can often require even more negotiation and clarity to maintain respect and balance. Again, we have that consistent fucking talk to each other, come on. Like, we've all we've we've got um different types of colouring structures. We have primary colour, secondary colours, one submissive holds a central role while others exist within a constellation of relationships. We have equal colours, each submissive is colored with equal status, possibly forming a lever family or polycule. We have nested hierarchies, colored individuals may also have partners of their own within a larger polyframework. So yeah, like I thought I'd just add that in because it literally like as I'm as I'm saying, like you can just do whatever you like. As long as you're not harming anybody, goes for everything else in the world, you do you. So now we're gonna talk about the ethics in colouring. Consent, power, and abuse prevention. With great power, literally, comes great responsibility. And that's never more true than in colouring. So key pillars to actually making it work is informed consent. Both parties must fully understand what the colour means and agree to the dynamic it represents. You've got to talk as well, you've got communication. Consent is not a one-time event. Regular check-ins, journaling even, or scheduled reviews help maintain emotional relationships and the health of it. Of course, you've got transparency, especially in poly or public dynamics. Being honest about the existence or meaning of the collar is vital. You've got so much to think about, it's such a big decision. And of course, no one should feel pressured into wearing or offering a collar for fear of losing love, status, or safety, or anything like that. You should feel at bliss with the collar. There shouldn't be any concerns. If there's concerns, don't go through with it. It's as simple as that. So, what what have I told you? Talk, talk, talk, talk. Communication is key. I'm gonna keep saying it in every episode. So we're now gonna talk about colouring in the media. Because I also wanted to add like a few different things because I grew up watching kinky movies. Kinky movies are one of my favorite like genre of movies, mainly because they either do it so fucking shite, they do it so badly, like like 50 shows a gray. And um, there was like 365 days or some bullshit like that, which was on Netflix. I watched all of that, it was terrible, it was absolutely cringy, it was so fucking abusive, it made no sense. Um the end of was like, what? Um there are some of my favourite movies in here that we're gonna talk about. We're gonna talk about popular media from controversy to curiosity. So one of the most iconic and controversial films in 1975 there was a movie called The Story of O. Well, Story of O. And when I watched this, I was like, uh Oh. Oh. It it mmm. So it's French. Um, it's a French erotic film that features a woman who is initiated into a life of submission, bondage, and eventually colouring. The film is deeply stylized and symbolic, but it's also been criticized for portraying a romanticized and non-consensual vision of V BDSM. So trigger warning, um, because I'm gonna talk about details of the movie right now. Um, I kind of liked Story of O, but not at the same time. Um, like in like it explores the family and house of BDSM, absolutely. Um, in in a way that I was like, oh, because at one point she gets um her dominant gives her away for like a day or whatnot, um, for a few days to another dominant and he just straight up like rapes her. But she goes along with this because she loves him. She loves her main dominant and it it is kind of fucked. The story of O had a profound cultural impact. For some, it was a gateway to understanding the aesthetic and psychological power of colouring, for others, it reinforced troubling ideas about submission, particularly around the blurred lines between consent and coercion. Despite or perhaps because of, its controversy, it remains a foundamental text in the public image of BDSM. In fact, many longtime kinksters recall their first encounter with Story of O. Not as erotic, but as an awakening. Yet today, with more emphasis on trauma formed practices and consent culture, its legacy is reevaluated through a more cultural lens. And I I mean, if you're interested in BDSM, I would absolutely just say go go take a look. Absolutely. Um aga like I l I love BDSM so I will watch anything really. So one of the more recent portrayals I love this movie, I'm sorry. I can relate to this movie just a little quite a bit. I love The Secretary, which was made in 2002, and it's a movie that tried to bring BDSM to the mainstream with mixed results. And it has opened doors to discussions. Um which again it does blur lines between coercion and consent. Um I I could relate to the secretary because um I grew up self-harming, and then when I found BDSM, I was like, oh, this releases the same feeling and the same chemicals that I get when I slip my wrists. Sorry, trigger warning. Um and yeah, that that's what made me fall in love with it. And then it's it's not so good the her really wanting his attention and such, but I I admire the devotion in a way. Um I don't I don't encourage your boss wanking over you or anything like that, which is what happens in the movie. He basically sexually assaults her, and that's wrong. That is wrong, that shouldn't have happened. Uh that is really fucked. But yeah. Good movie. Um they're the two which I'm gonna hit on. I am tempted to talk more about others, but they're the two which we're gonna speak on. So we've got digital colouring. Again, it's like a free-for-all. If you want to collar somebody and it's a long-distance relationship or it's digital, go for it. Absolutely go for it. So the final thoughts on this podcast episode are the collar is not just an object, it's a container for power, love, fear, and healing, discipline, devotion, and freedom. It is forged not only from leather or steel or ribbons, but from every conversation, every scene, every act of trust. If you're considering giving or receiving a collar, ask yourself, what am I saying yes to? What do I want this to mean? How will it honour its weight? Thank you for listening to Behind the Paddle Podcast with me, Pulse and Victoria. I do want to make a podcast episode on all the movies to do with BDSM because I know there was a few um little-made fan-funded movies as well and series. Um, but I thought I'd just mention Story of O and the Secretary for now because it is literally like a bag of cats, like ready to jump out. There's so many, and I don't know, it's a bit difficult to actually find any good representation these days of BDSM. Um yeah, so thank you for listening to Behind a Powder Podcast, this episode about colouring. And hopefully, whether you're new to kink or you're deep in the lifestyle, I hope you walk away with this as just greater clarity and curiosity as well. And yeah, I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you would like to um look at any of the other episodes, they're on Apple, Spotify, the spicy versions are on Dark Fans and Manivids, but I have been thinking about just taking them down just because yeah, I'm mostly clothed now. Every now and again I will get naked um and film the pod. Well, I always film, but like sometimes I'm clothed. But yeah, this has been such a fun episode, and I can't wait to do more VDSM episodes. I feel like I've neglected VDSM quite a lot, but yeah, thank you for listening. Um remember colouring is like a massive thing. Um yeah, I think that's it. Right, thank you very much. If there's any topics or anything like that, or if you want to come on the podcast, that can absolutely happen. Um yeah, bye.