Self-Regulation: What Is It & How Can You Help?

What is self-regulation and what does it mean to "be regulated?" If we don't know what we mean, these terms don't help anyone. Spoiler alert: It doesn't mean being calm all the time, and "regulated" isn't always how it seems.

Listen along as we explore:
--What is self-regulation, and what is it NOT?
--2 things you really need to know about self-regulation
--1 powerful thing you can do to help self-regulation development. 

Have you tried to help your kids or yourself develop these skills without success? In this episode, we explore 1 common reason efforts are not successful.

Sign up here for your free consultation to see what a sensory support specialist can help you as the mom.

This is part 1 of a 2 Part series. These skill develop at different times for each of us, but moms ask all the time what norms they might look for. Next time we'll be diving into what you might expect of kids at different ages and stages, so be sure to check back!

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Vagus nerve blog
Teaching Kids Self-Regulation Episode 2
Teaching Kids Self-Regulation blog
Meta-analysis article
Kim Barthel on regulation

"Self-regulation is flexibly activating, monitoring, inhibiting, persevering and adapting your own behavior, attention, emotions and cognitive strategies in light of internal and external feedback to attain personally relevant goals."
-- See here

This podcast is not meant as medical advice or a substitute for any medical advice. Please contact your health professional with any mental health or physical health questions or concerns.

Transcript

What is Self-Regulation and Staying “regulated?”

Moms ask me all the time, “What can I do to stay regulated?” 
And I get it. It can come from a place of frustration and guilt and a heart of wanting to do better by our kids. 

This is a time when I really think that science-y jargon is just unhelpful, because I think “regulated” can mean something different to each of us.

I think what we might really mean is, how can I help my kid or myself deal with frustration in a way that doesn’t make me feel guilty and exhausted?

Or sometimes I think if we’re honest, it’s something a little more unrealistic. It’s something like, “How can I stay calm and in control all the time?”

So today, I’m peeling back these layers because if you understand some basics about self-regulation, you can be more compassionate and patient with yourself and your kids. 

Today’s episode is an intro to Self-Regulation. If you or your kid struggle with it… you’ll have a good place to start after this episode.

-You’ll learn 2 must-know facts about self-regulation. 

-You’ll be able to de-mystify those buzzwords: “self-regulation” and “regulated.”

-Do 1 powerful thing to help your kids develop their self-regulation skills.

We need to appreciate the complexity of it so you can know what we’re asking of our kids and ourselves.

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But before I dive in, let me introduce myself….

I’m Whitney, an OT turned homeschool mom of 4 kids, and I’ve learned firsthand the importance of self-regulation in MY OWN life. Figuring out the in’s and out’s of my own sensory systems and nervous system as a whole has been vital in making homeschooling my kids do-able. Now I support you as a homeschool mom on your own journey in your own unique home so that you can find meaningful connection even in the chaos of this life. I coach moms one on one, provide workshops, blog and of course podcast. You can find all my resources a sensationalmoms.com or hang out on social media @sensationalmoms as well. I’d love to see you there!

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First things first… what is self-regulation?

Before I give you a science-y definition, let me boil it down to the basics. Self-regulation is probably what you think it is, but it’s also much more. Most people basically use self-regulation as a synonym for self-control. Is it that? Yes, but it’s so much more. 

That’s because so much attention is given to behavior– the stuff we do or don’t do, because it’s the easiest to see and it certainly impacts others. But self-regulation includes more than behavior. It includes emotions… but even more than emotions! It also includes attention, sensory regulation, and cognitive strategies.

It’s also a dynamic process. It involves starting, persevering, adapting, and stopping. In the midst of all of that, it is flexible and adaptive.

Ok, so let’s put all of this together in a definition.

Self-regulation is flexibly activating, monitoring, inhibiting, persevering and adapting your own behavior, attention, emotions and cognitive strategies in light of internal and external feedback to attain personally relevant goals.

Now that’s a mouth full. I’m going to put that definition in the show notes for you to look at because it’s a lot! And I really want you to appreciate the complexity of it. I want you to see what we’re asking of our kids and ourselves.

Yes, some of the foundational parts of self-regulation are more automatic, but not all of them… and for various reasons, some of these automatic processes can’t just be assumed to be there in your or your kids’ repertoire, ready for use.

Maybe you’ve also heard of the word co-regulation. If you think of self-regulation as I just described it, co-regulation is doing the same thing, but within the context of a caring relationship. 

If you’re looking for a definition of co-regulation, I’ll give you one. It’s an interactive process of regulatory support and guidance that can occur within the context of caring relationships (e.g., between the child and parents/teachers/peers) across the lifespan 

Most of the information I’m sharing today comes from a 2023 meta-analysis of over 100 research articles. Without boring you too much, a meta-analysis is an analysis of many other research articles and studies. I definitely did not invent this information! I did some research to make sure my understanding is still up to date before I shared it with you. I’ll be sure to put the link in the show notes if you want to read it yourself.

-Different aspects of self-regulation:

Emotional, behavioral, attention and alertness, and sensory regulation.

Emotional, behavior, and attention regulation probably get the most attention. But sensory regulation underlies all of these.

There’s a top-down part of self-regulation which again probably gets the most attention. If you’ve heard myself or others talk about the frontal lobe of the brain or prefrontal cortex, we’re talking about this top-down part of self-regulation skills.

 But there’s a whole side of self-regulation that doesn’t get as much attention, which is more of a bottom-up or body to brain, automatic side of self-regulation. If you’ve heard me talk about the vagus nerve or polyvagal theory, this should ring a bell. The idea that we need to feel safe, connected, and support before we can really even engage the more well-known top-down, brain based strategies for self-regulation. If you aren’t familiar with this, check the shownotes where I’ll list a blog I’ve written as well as a past podcast episode where I break this down more.

In light of this, it’s important for you to understand one thing before we move on:

-What it isn’t: Self regulation is not being calm all the time. 

Kim Barthel, an OT …, marries the concepts of self-regulation with polyvagal theory and the importance of felt safety and connection.

She says…

The term “regulation” has become an everyday word, used liberally to describe the perception of a person’s behavioural state. For example, when we see a child sitting very still in the classroom, we often interpret this to mean they are “regulated” because they look calm. When we witness a person yelling at someone in the street, we may say “wow, they’re dysregulated”. What is challenging about making assumptions about behaviours as arousal states (even though they could be accurate) is that we also may be completely incorrect. Our perception of what is occurring within a person’s inner life is highly subjective. A still, compliant body does not always represent a regulated organized internal experience. This individual can be frozen with fear with their mind being overwhelmed with stress and/or disconnection (dissociation), yet appear to be present. Alternately, the individual who is yelling may be fully connected to their need to protect themself through their experience, and be relatively regulated as compared with the child sitting still.

“When we show up in relationships with the intent to be present with another person, it can sometimes look messy rather than “calm” in its presentation. When “messy” is authentic and connected and therefore regulated, even those moments can ultimately have the impact of repair, reconnection and security.”

–So as we delve into the topic of self-regulation more deeply, I encourage you to hold this in mind. As caregivers who are with our kids day in and day out, we need to be careful about our assumptions of self-regulation and what it means to “be regulated.” 

Both for ourselves and our kids.

Self-regulation isn’t always what it seems. Behavior is only the tip of the iceberg. 

Ask yourself, do you really want to help yourself or your child develop their self-regulation, or do you want compliance? Do you want smoother, easier days? Because sometimes self-regulation doesn’t look like that.

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So, just a reminder, here’s how we’re going to define self-regulation:

Self-regulation is flexibly activating, monitoring, inhibiting, persevering and adapting your own behavior, attention, emotions and cognitive strategies in light of internal and external feedback to attain personally relevant goals.

–First of all, you need to know that self-regulation skills are shown to develop in relation to the goals of the child. Yes, as kids get older, these goals might be more clear or even specifically chosen by the child– like wanting to master a new sport or get a good score on their testing. But even in the earlier years, self-regulation is a means to an end– some sort of desired outcome. We’ll talk about that within each age group breakdown, but an example of those less direct goals would be in infancy– a baby is largely motivated by a sense of comfort and safety. Adolescents start to develop and act on goals that are more based on their personal values and interests.

This is important because I really think this is one of the reasons that parents have a hard time helping kids develop these skills. Especially if we homeschool and we like curricula and tools… My personal experience is that most of these skills are best learned in context of the day to day life of the child and in our relationship with them. That’s where it can get sticky though, because a lot of us feel like imposters when we’re wrestling with these skills ourselves. 

So let’s zoom back out here. There are 3 things you need to understand about self-regulation. Then I’ll tell you the BEST thing you can do to help your kids.

–You also need to know that self-regulation is developed within a social context. Self-regulation is very difficult… nigh impossible to separate from the people and culture around us. A prime example of this is how emotions are displayed differently in a social context in different cultures. I remember working in the hospital and observing how differently people from various cultures would mourn the loss of a loved one. 

–This brings me to the last thing. Research shows that modeling and social referencing are extremely effective ways of teaching and learning self-regulation. This is why we as parents are such prime support for our kids to develop these skills. As they get older, our kids start to socially reference others as well– not that they choose to adopt those exact strategies; in fact sometimes it’s the opposite. But one of the best things you can do for your child to develop these skills is narrate. Explain how you feel, what you’re doing to self-regulate, and why. That’s simple right?

Ok, I said simple… but the truth is, if you’re not used to doing this, it can feel awkward and complicated. But it really is effective. In fact, this is the only way I started seeing growth with one of my kids. All the tools and self-regulation curricula I was eager to use as an OT meant absolutely nothing to this child until I started doing this. So if you’d like to grow in this area so as to help your kid but don’t know how …. be sure to check the link in the show-notes and sign up for your free consultation to learn more.