3 Must-Know Truths About Kids' Self-Regulation

What are reasonable expectations for kids' self-regulation? If you can figure this out, you'll save yourself so much frustration as a mom and teacher. By the end of our time together, you'll know:

• How to encourage your kids' development at each stage
• What is usual for different stages (of course variations will occur!)
• What is self-regulation anyway...

Do kids' outgrown co-regulation? Do babies self-regulate? What age range experiences the MOST gains in self-regulation? You might be surprised!

If you feel stuck in a cycle of frustration with yourself and your kids, coaching can help you move from information to application so that you can find peace in your home. Book your free consult here!

There's room for one more client in the Sensory Savvy Moms coaching program for this summer. Don't wait until the end of summer expecting things to get better. Small, practical steps can make a huge difference for the peace of your home this fall. www.calendly.com/sensationalmoms

The information in this episode is gathered largely from this meta-analysis study.

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Access your FREE getting startedw/ self-regulation guide here

Season 2: Episode 10: What is Self-Regulation and How Can You Help? 

Season 1: Episode 9: How Co-Regulation Helps Overwhelmed Moms

This podcast is not meant as medical advice or a substitute for any medical advice. Please contact your health professional with any mental health or physical health questions or concerns.

Chapters

• 3:08 Infants & Self-Regulation, Co-regulation, attachment
• 6:26 Toddlers and Preschool Years Self-Regulation, Co-regulation, Independence and More
• 13:19 6-11 Years Old Self-Regulation, Frustration, Learning, Modeling
• 18:34 Adolescent/Teen Self-Regulation, encouraging independence, modeling, jobs, relationships & more

Transcript

 Welcome back for part two of our self-regulation series here on the Sensational Moms podcast. Do you ever get frustrated when your kids just can't seem to get a grip, or maybe you've heard of co-regulation and you're tired and you're wondering, when can you expect to hand some of that responsibility over to your kids?

We want our kids to be resilient and develop into adults who are able to live fulfilling lives and enjoy relationships and face struggles. But how can we help them get there, especially if they genuinely seem to struggle. I mean, will your 11-year-old still fussing about doing chores ever get there? Or will your 7-year-old ever sleep alone?

If you want to know more about what you can expect with kids at different ages and stages of development, then this is your episode. We're gonna talk about that with infants all the way through adolescents. This is important because you need to have reasonable expectations for your kids. It's gonna save you so much frustration, and it will help you to help your kids without setting them up for frustration as well.

Often we set the bar way too high and we end up spinning our wheels. In this frustration, we expect our kids to be the ones to self-regulate through frustration when we are actually the ones who need it. And if you're like me, as I was researching this, even though I'm 38, there is definitely still room for my own self-regulation development.

Of course each kid is going to develop at their own pace, but this general outline will help you get, have an idea of what the progression is like for most kids. Because I get asked this question a lot, I'll add chapters for today's episode, which I don't always do, so that you can find the most relevant information quickly.

But I would encourage you to try to listen to the whole thing because it will help you have an appreciation for the complexity. Of what you're asking of yourself and your kids. When you throw around the word regulated, let's start with infants. You might have heard it said that babies and young children can't self-regulate, and that's kind of true, but not really.

Yes, late adolescents and early adulthood is really when it's generally considered to be quote, fully developed. But let's be honest here, between you and me as two adults, we all know there is always room for growth, right? But years before that time, even in infancy, children are laying the groundwork, exercising and practicing simple self-regulation skills that are foundational, which will become more and more complex as they use them.

And as their brain matures, even as young as a few months old, children are starting to be able to quote, pay attention to something without really thinking about it. You've seen this as a parent. It seems like your baby kind of wakes up often around three to four months old and really notices the world.

That's the beginning of attention, and yes, attention is part of self-regulation. By about eight to nine months old, infants can start to ignore a distraction to pay attention to something else. Their working memory. Also emerges around five to eight months old. There is a certain skill at this age that is actually predictive of self-regulation skills later in life, and one of those is processing speeds.

Studies have shown that information processing speed. In ages seven to 12 months old is predictive of working memory and shifting attention from one task to another later in life as an 11-year-old, infants are largely dependent on co-regulation. Yes, but the need for co-regulation definitely does not end at this age as we'll see as we move forward through different ages.

Parental sensitivity and responsivity is predictive of toddler self-regulation, especially as it relates to sleep and temperament, attention and mood. Maternal touch is also shown to foster emotional and behavioral regulation and the attachment bond, which will aid in many ways as the child grows and develops.

Interestingly, some research has shown that focusing vocabulary on action words instead of object words can really help kids at this age develop better self-regulation skills. Now and a later in life, self-regulation develops in relation to the goals of the individual. And I'm. Not self-regulation specific goals.

Here I'm talking about life goals. What does a child need to do or want to do? It's very functionally based and it's gonna change through different ages and stages of development. So we're gonna talk about what some of those goals might be for this age. In terms of the infant, the implicit goal of the infant is safety and comfort, right?

They're not explicit goals. That's like the child is consciously deciding, I want to be comfortable and safe. No, those are just the primary motivations of the child that are implicit. And as they enter later infancy and early toddlerhood, we see a shift in that motivation to also include discovery and exploration.

So let's move on to that age, the fun ages of toddlerhood and preschool. So if you have had kids this age, you are expecting a roller coaster. And rightly so. The rapid development from single simple self-regulation skills to more complex skills really characterizes this age. And you might find that kind of surprising because this is such a tumultuous age.

Like so many of us think of this age and just go into it expecting meltdowns, right? But a lot is actually developing for self-regulation at this age. And again, you might assume kids this age can't self-regulate 'cause they're a mess. Not true. Totally. So let's talk a little bit more about what it looks like in this age and stage.

Yes. At this age, they are starting to internalize. Some more basic self-regulatory strategies. Let's first talk about those goals and motivations that self-regulation is meant to help for a child this age, number one is probably autonomy, a k, a independence, and it starts to emerge as a higher order goal than just being comfortable and safe.

That's kind of complicated because we all know toddlers definitely aren't the best self-assess of knowing their actual capabilities. Right. And that's where the fun comes in. But by the time they're preschool aged, they're starting to get a more accurate picture of what they're able to do. Preschoolers will actually have more focus to achieve a short-term goal that they might want.

They're starting to be interested in the product of their effort, not just the process. You might see this with their artwork, right? I personally love the process stage. I find it delightful. Speaking of goals, preschoolers can actually start to regulate for another's goals or expectations, even if they're not being watched.

Sometimes they won't dive for the makeup bag when you're not looking. But before then, I'll never forget when my friend's 2-year-old gave herself a haircut and it wasn't just with scissors. She found her dad's electric clippers. Yikes. But at a young enough age, they really don't understand the permanence of expectations in different scenarios or.

That the rules apply, even if they're not being watched, they're not always trying to be sneaky. We can just put that narrative on their story without really realizing that we're doing it. So what can they do? As far as self-regulation? Two year olds will start to show more intentional attention, and toddlers can show compliance to external directions.

Sometimes four year olds. See growth in their working memory and will even rehearse things aloud or talk to themselves to help remember things or complete a task between ages three and six. Kids will start to delay gratification sometimes for something else that would be better or more preferred. As young as about three and four.

Kids can start to understand basic emotions in themselves and others. They'll start to regulate sensory input and experiences in more obvious ways as well. You might see kids covering their eyes or their ears. They might also play with their favorite toy to help them self-regulate. Again, very concrete strategies.

You'll also see kids change their goal in order to help their emotional regulation. For example, a kid might choose to play alone instead of playing with another kid. That's frustrating. That is self-regulation. Yes, co-regulation is still really important for this age. You'll actually see some kids directly ask for help to regulate, although they probably won't call it that.

You'll also see kids practicing regulation during interaction with their parents, and they'll even start imitating your self-regulation strategies. Yeah, at this age the jury is kind of out regarding whether parental responsivity and sensitivity is actually helpful for self-regulation development. It is helpful for attachment because it decreases this trust and discomfort, and we do know that a healthy attachment bond helps self self-regulation development, but we don't really know yet if the specifics.

If it really helps with development of self-regulation in terms of things like emotional regulation, inhibition or not doing something right or compliance in the specific age group, doesn't mean that it doesn't. There's just not a lot of research on it yet. We just don't know. So some key things that you can actually do to help at this age would include.

Engaging your kids and cognitively stimulating activities? Yes. Just learn together. Even though what you're doing together, like reading probably won't be explicitly about self-regulation, just learning together is shown to help self-regulation development. So yay homeschool moms. I can't really underscore the importance of modeling enough.

It does not have to be perfect, but they are watching you self-regulate even when you're not right beside them, and it really matters. We're gonna talk a little bit more about that later too. Scaffolding really helps the development of their self-regulation as well. This is just a fancy way of saying that when it comes to learning a new skill.

We provide support at is as it's needed on a basic level, and we slowly take that support away as the skills develop. This helps develop their attention control, their flexibility of mind, the working memory planning and more.

Let's move on to six through 11 years old, which. It currently, it just happens to be where three out of four of my kids are. So this is where I'm living, and I kind of feel like this is an age where parents can experience a lot of frustration as well. So in this age range, you'll continue to see growth, but actually the development of the executive functions won't be quite as rapid.

I think this is huge to consider 'cause I feel like a lot of us are starting to get tired by this age range, especially like the nine to 11-year-old range. And we end up expecting more of kids than they're really ready for in this age group. We start to see simple strategies become a little more complex and they do start becoming a little more self-reliant with their self-regulation strategies.

In terms of motivation and goals, toward the end of this age range, kids are becoming more future focused and can think slightly longer term goals, and also the longer term effects of their actions and choices. I'm not talking years down the road here, but definitely more of a sense of cause and effect without it needing to be immediate.

They're also starting to desire a sense of mastery over something, maybe in a specific skillset or a sport, and they can start coping with more demands in those areas. In terms of specific skills, inhibitory control, that means not gaining something starts increasing. They might choose to limit their action despite social pressure or despite the concrete demand to do the thing.

They might start to employ more cognitive strategies for self-regulation instead of those physical hands-on strategies of the younger age. For example, they might choose to distract themselves mentally. If they're in an undesirable situation, if they can't physically remove themselves or change things, they might start to direct their attention to the positives.

Or, you know, looking on the bright side in a hard situation that they can't otherwise change. I. A big one is that they might start understanding social norms for emotional expression. Again, like we talked about in the last episode, this is going to vary a lot based on cultural and subcultural expectations and environment, but they're definitely gonna start noticing these things, and if you're wondering what you can help.

Let's talk a little bit about that. You can start handing over a little bit more independence and self-regulation. Again, scaffolding here is really important. Removing the support as the child is ready. Modeling at this age should really include you using specific language to verbalize your own process of self-regulation.

It can be as simple as explaining what you're doing to self-regulate and why. Okay, I said simple, but the truth is, if you're not used to doing this, it can feel really awkward and complicated, but it is very effective. In fact, this is actually the only way that I personally started seeing growth with one of my kids.

All the tools and self-regulation curriculum that I was so eager to use as an OT meant absolutely nothing to this child until I started doing this. So if you wanna grow in this area to help your kid, but you don't really know how, be sure to check the link in the show notes and sign up for a free consultation to learn more.

Remember how cognitive stimulation was helpful with younger kids. Good thing is it is still true at this age learning together, unless you're fighting the whole time, in which case that is different. Fostering a growth mindset is really powerful with kids this age. You can do this by offering praise for the process and efforts rather than focusing on the product.

This goes for anything. Self-regulation skills, academic learning, sports, it's really powerful. Kids are starting to assess their own skills more accurately at this age, and they'll know if you are praising the product and it really isn't that good compared to everyone else. They'll know if what you're saying doesn't feel genuine.

They're starting to judge themselves and compare themselves more to peers at this age as well.

Okay, so let's wrap it up with adolescents. You know, that should be easy enough, right? Ages 12 through 18. Wow. A lot happens in this age. Self-regulation definitely continues to develop, so, so if you hear any of these things and you think, oh my goodness, we struggle with all of this. It's okay. These skills continue to develop.

We can encourage it, and there is always room for growth, right? There's definitely room for my own personal growth and probably some for you as well. So executive attention, working memory, and response inhibition should be fairly mature by the end of this time, but other skills are still being refined.

Those skills are self-regulation, delayed gratification, cognitive flexibility, planning, strategy, selection, all of those are still growing. What is the motivation and goal for this age? This probably doesn't come as a surprise for you, but yeah, a lot of it is social. The adolescent might have specific goals in mind though by this age, especially as their future orientation is growing in early adolescents goals are more leisure focused by mid adolescents around 15.

It's common that goals might be. More school related or education related. And by late adolescence, there's more of a focus on larger things like family property, right? Like that new car, new experiences and occupations. Of course, just like their rest of the ages. This is highly individualized, right? Goals are generally starting to be more intrinsically motivated by their sense of value or their self-efficacy beliefs.

And it's no surprise that peer relationships and romantic relationships are often a motivating factor for adolescents and in fact, these relationships are often the grounds of a lot of the self-regulation development that happens during this age. What's changing at this age regarding emotional regulation, they're starting to be more selective about how and when and to whom they display their emotions.

Their cognitive strategies are continuing to grow. They might choose to, you know, look on the bright side or reframe situations to gain more of a sense of perceived control if the situation is tough. And they might start suppressing more negative emotions when they're deemed to get in the way of the goal that the child is more focused on.

It may not be obvious, but teens are still modeling and referencing your self-regulation strategies. They're also starting to reference their peers as well. Referencing doesn't always mean that they're doing the same thing. Sometimes it means that they're choosing to do the opposite. Your touch as the mom continues to be impactful, even in adolescence, just not as much as in earlier stages, their research has shown that the positive effects of that touch from earlier in life are still.

Positively impacting the adolescent's attention and social anxiety levels later in life steer clear of being overly controlling or neglectful because those are linked to emotional suppression and repaired inhibition or the not doing right. So it's really important to let your teen. Exercise their self-regulation skills with increasing independence as they are growing and maturing.

And they'll likely demand it in case we forget. Right. But not all kids will. Some need that encouragement.

Okay. That was quite the marathon, but we did it in like 20 minutes. We went from infancy through adolescence. Let's zoom back out here and get an overview to close us out. There are three things you need to know about self-regulation development. Self-regulation development is intricately related to the social environment of the individual.

Self-regulation develops in relation to the goals of the individual. Again, sometimes those goals are not explicit. In fact, many times they're not. And modeling and narrating your experience and choices is one of the best things that you can do for your kids, and that's at. Like all the ages. So I know it's awkward at first and it can be challenging, but it is absolutely worth it.

I really hope that we demystified self-regulation today and that you have a greater appreciation of what you are asking of yourself or your kids. When you throw around the word regulated, it's simply not always possible to be regulated if you're a human. Regardless of your age, even adults, but if you and your kids are dealing with emotional attention or sensory struggles that are affecting your day-to-day life as a family, then it might be time for something to change.

But where do you start when emotions run high and it just feels like nothing is working. That's one of the many benefits of coaching and learning to see through a nervous system support lens for yourself. If you're listening in summer, this is the prime time to work on these skills apart from the added stress and busyness of the regular school year.

Even if you school year round as a homeschool family, you know, that summer just kind of feels different and it can also present its own struggles. Or maybe you just can't even relax this summer because you're too worried about fall, or maybe you don't even know what you're gonna do. If you have questions about how the sensory savvy coaching program can help you have peace of mind, even in the chaos of day-to-day life.

Then I have a coaching spot with your name on it. I have one spot open this summer, and I would love to share it with you. So grab your free consultation, come with questions. And let's figure out how you can find connection in the chaos of day-to-day life as a mom. Until next time, that's my genuine hope for each one of you that you would take time to find connection even in the chaos.