Navigating Homeschooling, Working, & Parenting as Highly Sensitive Mom: Insights with Teresa Wiedrick

I invite you to join me in this personal conversation with Teresa Wiedrick, a certified life coach. We get personal fast and dive deep into the challenges and triumphs of being a highly sensitive mom. 

Teresa and I also discuss transformative moments in the shift from my kids' difficulties being the problem to realizing we are all on our own growth journey... and how our's as mom deeply impacts our children's.

 In personal stories, we explore topics like:

• the importance of self-regulation
• the impact of sensory processing on family dynamics
• conflict management help
• practical strategies for managing stressful moments
•  how child-led learning has impacted our homeschool and relationship dynamics

This is the first in my Fall series of chats meant to encourage moms of all different neurotypes in our parenting journeys.

--->Be sure to check out Teresa Wiedrick's impactful resources especially for homeschool mamas at: https://capturingthecharmedlife.com/

--->You can also find her chatting about real life challenges and triumphs as a homeschoool mom on instagram @homeschoollifecoach

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Want your own free guide for how to support yourself in your next overwhelming, overstimulating moment? Grab it here: https://sensationalmoms.com/free-resources-for-overstimulated-moms/

Do you NEED this school year to be different but lack the clarity and energy to make it happen? The Sensory Snapshot is for you if you need:

• targeted sensory & nervous system support
• routines that work for the whole family
• real-time problem solving support
• long-lasting help with just a short-term, budget-friendly commitment

Learn more or book it here.

This podcast is not meant as medical advice or a substitute for any medical advice. Please contact your health professional with any mental health or physical health questions or concerns.

Transcript

 So I'm so glad we finally got this conversation. You and I, 'cause this took a little bit to, to achieve. And as with all homeschool moms, people are busy. But you have this added bonus of having, um, a coaching business.

You're building your own coaching business based on your own background as an ot. And um, so I wanna share a little bit about that in a moment. But initially when we first met, you described yourself as an overstimulated mom who became a sensory savvy mom. Can you walk through that journey? Um, share with us what the turning points were for you emotionally, practically, and in any way that would be applicable to another homeschool mom.

Definitely. I love that question because it's so helpful to look back and reflect on my experience. Yeah. And see, see where I've come. So I look back and there's, there's only two really pivotal moments that stand out in my memory. Mainly it's a gradual realization, especially as my children got older Yeah.

Of realizing that motherhood wasn't getting easier, surprised. Um, and I knew people said that, but experiencing that myself as things got louder and more chaotic in my life, and as I realized that when we moved, like, so we moved away from having a very readily available support system to having nothing and COVID happened and it was a very challenging experience for me.

Yeah. Mentally, emotionally. As it was for so many people, you know, for Yeah. For different reasons. But on top of that, relocating and not really having the skillset for myself to have developed that support system. 

Mm-hmm. 

I was really floundering Yeah. To figure out how can we get through the day-to-day with four kids who at the time were ages one through six.

Yeah. Oh, really? Just that little when we first met. 

Yeah. That's wild. Um, so I, I have, um, yeah, so ha having no support system and realizing. Like thinking what is going on? Right. And having a child in particular who I knew, uh, was struggling with her sensory processing. Right. And as a trained ot, I knew that, and I knew things I could do to help this child.

Mm-hmm. 

But none of them were working. 

Right. 

She didn't wanna hear any of them. And, you know, from going, not having any sleep at night, all of these other complications, it was just a, it was a mess. I was a mess. And it took me a few years to really realize that, you know, this child was not receptive to what I was trying to offer because I was not first figuring out what was going on with myself.

I was unable to co-regulate with this child because I could not self-regulate. And. You know, turns out I was, you know, I know I was a highly sensitive person. I am a highly sensitive person. I have been my whole life. And you know, when you're a young adult or, uh, if you're newly married, you know, generally within reason, you can kind of work around that in your own environment.

But then when you share that with four people who yes, don't really even have a concept of others, right? Mm-hmm. With little, with their little children, it was very difficult. So I started to realize, well, wait a second. Well, why am I, I know why I'm having a hard time. I you don't outgrow these needs. I know that professionally, right?

That certain neurotypes are the way they are. Right. But I had forgotten that. I had forgotten that when I became a mom. And oh, yes. My children reminded me very, uh, very quickly. It just took a while for me to turn me, for me to realize what that was. So. The two memories that do stand out very clearly though is one I remember kind of having a turning point is when I started using an emoji chart that I printed for my kids.

It's beautiful to help with their emotional regulation. Mm-hmm. Of course they were not having it, especially that child in particular, you know? Yeah. But when I started using it for myself 

Yes. 

And seeing what a big difference that was making for this child in particular and our whole family dynamic. Um, and as well, one particular time when I was recovering from a meltdown with this child.

Hmm. 

And you know, when I say meltdowns, these would last, you know, our whole day would be thrown off. 

Yeah. 

You know, this wasn't like I didn't get the right Cheerios sort of moment. Right. This is a, yeah. Impacts the whole family dynamic and I. I was just honest with this child in an age appropriate way, and instead of feeling like I needed to have it all together, we cried together.

Yeah. 

I cried with this child. Um, not from a place of, you know, angst or frustration, but just a true, you know, I want to help you and I'm frustrated and you're frustrated and yeah, let's just be in this together. Mm-hmm. And I feel like, um, that was really one of the first times that I remember, I would say, you know, effectively co-regulating with this child is just being in those moments together.

So yeah, it's certainly a journey. Right. Um, but those moments and over time, over the course of probably four to five years of, of, um, starting that journey of meeting my own needs as a highly sensitive person and thus helping the whole family because I am able to have effective ways of caring for myself.

Yeah, it's wild how when we start to take care of ourselves or we develop a relationship with ourselves, that things start to fall into place a little bit more. Not perfectly because we're all humans and we're all wildcards in a way, but we have such a big impact on what's going on in the home. Just like Charlotte Mason says, um, you know, what is it that mom, you should go out to play.

You need to go out to play. Something like that. 

Yes. If we could just do for ourselves what our children, that's what we ask our children to do. Yeah. 

Yes. And somehow when we move into that motherhood role, we take on this persona that is very like super mom or is God-like, and we want to do everything for our kids, and we already know that it's not possible.

Or some of us know, some of us don't know that going in, but when we are in it, we just assume we wanna do all the things, but we can't do everything for everybody. And also forget. Or not remember that we actually have needs that we're humans too. And so you, and I think 

a lot of it is, is, um, almost a blindness, I think, you know, we may not realize we're thinking that.

Right. But it's just the assumption that we don't realize until we wake up one day and realize that things are not as they should be. Right. 

That's right. It feels a little bit too hard. Yeah. 

Mm-hmm. 

And so you said that your puzzle pieces were partly the emoji chart and partly, um, having a good cry alongside your daughter.

Yeah. Yeah. So each of those things, were you identifying your emotions? Would you say? The emoji chart and then the cry is like accepting your reality, accepting that this isn't easy. I don't know how to engage with you, but I really want to and I care about your emotions and your feelings too. 

Yes, yes.

Those are two just really core memories along my journey that, that, that stand out. And the more I've had these conversations with other moms, I realize that I'm certainly not alone in this. And that just not enough people are talking about are not talking. Yes. Agree. People aren't talking about, right. 

Uh, I certainly am, and I'm on the other side of it now where I can see you are unusual if you're not experiencing these things.

And that's true. That's that. But it's somehow we have this socialized experience as mothers that we shouldn't be talking about how hard it is or why we're frustrated about things or what's not working. But it would be really useful if we talked amongst each other so that we could encourage each other.

 I remember that you shared how, um, like when we first met, you were talking about moving toward, uh, more child led or child inspired learning. Don't remember which, you know, phrase you used, but can you describe how the shift from your, you are more focused on a Charlotte Mason. Type homeschool. And then you were wanting to move toward a more child inspired homeschool.

How does that show up in your day-to-day homeschool life and what changed for your family? 

Yeah, so it was so neat to reflect back on that and think, okay, well it was actually one child that drove my initial interest in that. 

Yeah. 

Mm-hmm. And it wasn't long before I realized that it was another child who really was basically demanding, demanding that.

And, um, you know, since it has certainly impacted how I educate all the kids, but especially one child in particular. And yeah, it looks, I think first I just started realizing, wait a second, we're already doing a lot of this. And it's really a mindset shift of going from making it an afterthought. To a priority.

Mm-hmm. 

So I realized that a lot of our energy was going toward other things, and then the child-led things would happen after you, you know, do X, Y, Z. And it was kind of sending a message to my kids that, okay, well we'll do what you wanna do, but first we need to do what I think is important. And, you know, I won't say that we are 100% child led.

Right. There are certain things that I still value and I think are important for my kids to learn, but it's impacted our relationship and how they show up for our lessons every day. Because I feel like they actually feel like their interests aren't an afterthought anymore. Right. 

Well said. Yes. That is exactly why I don't suggest unschooling or encourage people in one particular method because they're, they're homeschooling a child right in front of them.

That's it, the child in front of you, or four or 12 or one, but it is just one specific child. And also you want to incorporate certain things into their education. You want to approach, um, you know, you wanna discuss certain things, different families value different things, but you want to discuss certain things.

You want them to know certain things. And so I, I hear that on repeat from a lot of different moms. And of course there are the unschooling advocates that will say it needs to be entirely child led. And it, it typically is not most homeschool moms perspective, that it needs to be entirely child led. But just as you said, when the child's education isn't an after, or their interests aren't an afterthought, then they actually feel like they have more autonomy and they're also more present and more engaged when you are bringing something to them.

I really just had to make, realized I had to make a choice at some point because there are only 24 hours of the day. Right. That's right. I know that we did a, um, we did a time audit together and that was super helpful because yeah, if I really think that their interests are important and I wanna, and I wanna prioritize that and just instead of just being like, well after school, go do what you wanna do, then, you know, realistically, actually something is gonna have to get cut.

Right. 

Something needs to get cut. Exactly. 

Yeah. 

I mean, I still have an entire room full of curriculum. I still have loads of things that I wished I had done. Now I'm just counting on grandkids and reality is you just don't have all the time in the world to do everything. You just don't. 

That's so true. I think that I also started to realize that the things that my children really remembered the most, the things that really lit them up were things that were self-driven.

Yes. And so if that was what was going to. You know, bring that and help their retention and help them really want to be those lifelong learners that we want our kids to be. Yeah. And why don't I incorporate more of that into the most valuable part of our day? 

So it's interesting you say that because I don't know what you would describe as your experience, but I know mine, and I know my husband's intimately and we both speak about our early childhood, um, our public school or I had Catholic and Christian school as well.

All the different schooled experiences that we had, we were taught certain things and sometimes in various classrooms we like certain educational tidbits, but sometimes, and many times we didn't care or else, you know, in my husband's perspective, not mine, he saw that they weren't doing a, a, a service to certain historical periods or they weren't really doing a deep dive on certain things, but he would do them after school.

And so he remembers the things that he was most likely to, you know, learn or really know deeply. They weren't in school, they weren't even prompted by a school discussion. He was doing it outside of school already. And I know from experience though, in my own, my own experience that. The things that really mattered to me then were the things that mattered to me outside the classroom, as well as occasionally some things within the classroom, but mostly not the things that I cared about.

I kept all the way through from childhood to adulthood, and that wasn't primarily in a classroom. 

Yes. You just really never know what will resonate with the child. That's, and I think just really spreading the feast before the child and letting them see what resonates with them and letting them contribute to what actually gets put on the table is really important.

Very important. Yeah. In the beginning of the year, we would go to these curriculum vendor halls and we would all look at everything and, and then in the beginning when we first did this, the kids would choose what they wanted and of course. Didn't wanna finish by the end of the year. Um, but it helped them own it a little bit so that by the end of the convers or but by the end of the year, they knew what they didn't wanna do and how they didn't wanna do it.

So they were more engaged in it. And I see them still to this day 'cause we've progressively, I'd say, deschooled and moved away from conventional approaches to education. I see now that they're very intentional about what they choose or don't choose in their lives. And I think that's kind of the point for me anyways.

The benefit of an education is that it's intentional, it's purposeful, it means something to the person that is actually engaging it. 

Yes. Yes. That's the beauty of the opportunities that we have as homeschoolers. 

That's right. Except we don't always wield it. 

That's, that's what I learned. That's so true.

Yeah. So true. We feel guilty when we do. 



I remember you sharing early on that you had discovered that there were certain goals that you had that you didn't know you had when we first met, that you had this notion of wanting to serve and do something outside of your mom role. What do you think now, you know, looking back a couple of years, what was it that you wanted to get more, um, you know, to allow to rise in your life?

I think that in some ways I was trying to, I realized I was trying to put homeschooling in a place that it didn't belong. 

Oh. Um, 

I was trying to, without really realizing it, putting a lot of time and energy in making that part of who I was instead of just being a person who homeschools my kids. Mm-hmm. I was a homeschool mom, and I know, know, it's a lot shorter to say homeschool mom, you know?

That's why most of us say it. But I think that there was a lot of that. A lot of truth to, to how I would have described myself. And I just really started to realize this is not fulfilling me. This, I think it has a place in my life, but it is not my life. Right. I love helping people and people who aren't related to me.

That would be great. So I, um, especially coming from, you know, being an OT and missing that. Mm. And also coming from a place of realizing the, the positive impact really. I, I, you know, I, I could not, I would not continue, I would not be homeschooling right now if I hadn't started to make that transition to realize how I could be more of myself.

Yeah. And I think I, that's why I started working together actually, Theresa, was I realized that if I couldn't figure out a way to help people while homeschooling as well, then I would have to stop homeschooling because it was that important to me to figure out a way to. You know, melt both of these things together.

So yeah, just realizing that is my, that's just part of my God-given identity is being a helper. Mm-hmm. So, you know, and coaching has allowed me to bring my experience as both a professional and a mom who's been through, you know, some interesting things with, with my kids and seeing what a difference that having that nervous system education and lens has made in my home.

You know, that's interesting. 'cause way back in the day, I would not have identified with this conversation right here, I would've said being a mom is enough. And if anyone listening says being mom is enough, then great. Fabulous, wonderful. 'cause I was there for many years too. But then it transitioned at a certain point for me where I too felt like I want something.

Else I want to feel like a separate sense of self or a different identity. I wanna, I want my own identity outside of this saturated mom role, and I absolutely loved it. So don't get me wrong, I, I appreciated it deeply and now I definitely see what a remarkable experience it's been. Being a full-time mom in the home with my kids, but also educating them.

I love that. But I would not have related early on that I would need separate time, and yet not too long into homeschooling. It felt like this is so much, there's so much energy. This just as you share, touched out, talked out, uh, what is it that we came up with in the beginning, the 

Yeah, yeah. Touched out and talked out.

Moms trying to Yeah. Help find connection and freedom in the middle of all that. 

I think, I just wanted to think two thoughts Consecutively wanted to go to the bathroom without being interrupted. You know, all the basic, fundamental human things. And I absolutely loved all the memories, and yet I needed separate space.

And when I went to a cafe on a Wednesday evening to write and didn't know that it had any intention toward a business, it just fueled me and it gave me the fuel to do the thing. With my kids. Yeah. So that's the beauty of it. 

I, I have a, um, I've had interesting conversations with moms about homeschooling.

Right. There's a lot of, there's kind of two strong reactions, I feel like, to homeschooling when someone doesn't homeschool. Right? Yeah. Often I hear I could never do that. Yeah. And then I hear, um, or, or I couldn't do that, you know, and I used to kind of have this feeling of like, well, what do you think I am?

You know, I'm certainly not, you know, certainly if you could be a fly on the wall in my home Yeah. You know, for an hour you would see the reality. Yeah. But also I realized, I kind of started having this sense of, you know, jealousy in a way. 

Mm. 

Because the moms who were saying that had a firm sense of, of a boundary.

Mm. Of that's not part of who I am or this, they had such like a strong sense of self to be that assertive about it, you know? So I kind of started changing how, how I saw the response, but at the same time it, it breaks my heart a little bit for the moms that say, I would homeschool or I would like to homeschool, but I couldn't.

Right. And a lot of those moms are moms that I feel like would really benefit from understanding their nervous system and understanding how to meet their needs so that if they wanted to and were able. They could make it work. 

I thought you were gonna say that. Um, moms say that I'm not patient enough.

Yes. Because that's what I've heard a lot and I'm like, oh, is that prerequisite? Because we have a problem. I'm fired. Yes, I'm fired. Yeah. Or do, do I look that patient? And maybe I do because, 'cause we are in public. Right. So probably most of the time I look patient. But yes. Um, certainly that element, uh, is something that you focus on in coaching, which overlaps with a lot of conversations I have with moms because they say things like, I am losing my marbles all the time.

Or it makes me crazy how the energy is always fighting. Or kids don't wanna do anything. They're not motivated, they just wanna be on their screens. Or there's disharmony. There's a, a lack of peace in the home and, you know, uh. It starts with us. That's essentially what I hear from what your, your work, your podcast, your coaching is that it starts with us, our self-regulation and our sense of strong self, how we can be compassionate toward ourselves.

And if your, like most, if the listeners actually like us in that, we have, um, seasons where we just get completely absorbed in kid energy and responsibilities toward our kids. We forget us, we completely forget us. And so there's a constant barrage of emotions and needs and squabbling and, you know, all the things that we actually forget to be at peace within ourselves or to address our own needs.

Yeah. I think figuring out what those needs are is mm-hmm. Really important because we all, you know, we could make some blanket statements, right. Some generalizations, but you know, for some of us, especially if we have sensory processing differences, those needs can be really different from other people's.

And you know, sometimes it's easy to get so wrapped up in what's going on around us because those external senses are firing and doing their job. But there's a whole set of senses inside our body that we are just not tapping into as moms and as adults in, you know, in most of our societies, we're pretty sedentary or you know, at best we're on our feet, you know, back and forth grabbing stuff for kids or doing laundry.

Yeah. You know, um, all the, all of the senses that would help us in those moments mm-hmm. Are just actually being understimulated. And instead we're just being pulled one direction or the other. I'll never forget Theresa, when I walked by the mirror one day when I had little, little littles and I literally, I thought there was another person in my house.

I had forgotten that I had a body. 

I have heard that, and it just was so 

distracting to me. Yes. 

I remember, um, Sarah McKenzie from Read aloud Revival saying the exact same thing. She said, I forgot what I look like. I forgot that I had a different, like a, a separate sense of, um, experience than the my kids.

And I don't know if it's really just a mom thing or if it's certain personalities are drawn into homeschooling. I don't think there's just one Enneagram type in homeschooling or one type of personality, but we tend to be absorbers of our kids and the emotions in our family. And so the wild coincidences, this is probably not a healthy choice to move into a space that is requiring us to address all these emotions and these voices.

But on the other hand, maybe it's exactly what we need. 

Yes. To 

personally grow. 

Hundred percent. You said that so Well, Theresa, 

did I feel 



Yeah. I really feel like you hit the nail on the head there because, you know, if there was such thing as a, you know, here comes the sciencey part of me, a population sample where we could just figure out with homeschool moms, you know, how many of us are highly sensitive people?

I think it would be a lot of us, because we end up being drawn to this because we see our kids. You know, our kids' needs and think, well, that child would really thrive best in this setting. So then we, we choose this life and then we get into it and realize this is the, a lot extremely draining. This is so, it's not life giving for me.

It's draining. 

Mm-hmm. 

And we'll keep going. Right. A lot of us will just keep going and keep going until when. Right. We're not a bottomless 

Yes. We're not 

a bottomless source here. You know, at some point we're going to, we're going to hit a burnout phase, and that's not ideal for our kids or us. And. That sort of, you know, we become martyrs without realizing what's going on.

You know, I, I obviously don't have a randomized control trial, but, um, I would suggest to you that at least the gals that come hang out with me, there is a, a tendency to, toward a highly sensitive person or the characteristics of a highly sensitive person. So I do find that intriguing. Um, perhaps it's just like our subconscious way of trying to learn or grow in a certain way.

And it is a wonderful opportunity for us for personal growth. But you know, as much as, um. It was very saturating. It was also very, really beautiful. There were so many moments that you could share with your kids along the way, and it wasn't just rabbit trails that we were encouraging for our kids. It was also our own rabbit trails.

And so then even you have moved into a coaching space alongside your homeschool experience, and I mean, what does that do for you to work with another mom or another woman, not necessarily a mom, but another woman to support her?

It really lights me up, first of all. 

Yeah. 

You know, I, I live for that, for that, for that helper's high. I feel like yes. Of, of con, of truly connecting with another person and helping them find out what's important to them and how to, how to make that happen. 

Mm-hmm. 

Um, it's, it's helped my relationship with my kids because yeah, it's helped me feel like, you know, I am my own person and they see.

Mom has her own things, you know, and again, certainly not that every homeschool mom has to have a business or, or other things, but I think it has forced me to grow in ways that otherwise I would not have, I would not have chosen, you know, figuring out how to grow a business, how to, you know, do all of these other things that, that demands of us.

And how to be okay with being uncomfortable because I feel like it's really easy as homeschool moms who can kind of curate our environment and our schedules to stay comfortable. 

Mm-hmm. And 

until our kids push us, you know, in other ways. Yeah. And, but still to a certain extent, that's not necessarily demanding of our own personal growth.

So I, yeah, I feel like it has been really helpful for my own. Personal growth. 

Mm. You know, if I track back in our conversation and go back to that conversation about the mirror, I actually remember you saying that in coaching, I was acting as your immovable mirror and I wouldn't move. It was a kind of presence that helped you realize what was really going on for you so that you could take action in your own life instead of me being an advice giver.

And I'm curious if in your own coaching experience, that is your reflection with the people that you're working with. 

I think so. I will say that as someone who's growing in my coaching skills, you know, we all have to get used to sitting in this place of discomfort. Mm-hmm. Because sitting in that place as the one holding the mirror can be uncomfortable as well.

You know, when you're, tell me why. I'm 

curious your, your experience. 

Yeah, because I feel like even through this, even through technology right? We are able to be empaths and take on that, especially when we've come through, you know, our own personal, our own personal growth journey, right? 

Yeah. For all 

the time growing and remembering and, and changing.

So, you know, it requires being a coach catalyzes my own personal growth because a hundred 

percent. 

Yeah. And, um, on top of just the business, you know, aspects, being a coach, you know, the same questions I'm asking of others. Mm-hmm. I might not be thinking of it myself during that, but as I reflect back on my coaching session, I'm thinking about those same questions in my life.

Yes, absolutely. It deepens your, your, um, your own personal growth journey. A hundred percent. It when, when you have a quality of integrity in how you approach people and you're genuinely trying to support people, then the things that come outta your mouth go into your brain as you are having a conflict with someone or are feeling angsty or you fill in the blank.

But it, it reflects in your own life. And it's actually, again, it's like another invitation to a personal growth journey that you may or may not realize is what you were invited to. I think we subconsciously want that journey, or we wouldn't be going down this path just like homeschooling. 

Yeah, I'm having to figure out how to, how to, you know, budget that into my emotional and mental energy as well.

You know? Yes. It might be an hour long coaching session, but, um, but yeah, I'm gonna mull on that afterwards and not just immediately afterwards, but, you know, throughout the week things are gonna come up that jog my memory from that conversation. And, you know, if, depending on how many clients you're working with, that's a lot of thinking.

That's a, a lot of that is a 

lot of thinking. 

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. 

Yeah. That is my experience. But I, I mean, I, three of my four kids are grown and my fourth is almost graduated, so I have a different bandwidth than I would've had at your phase of parenting for sure. But I find it really is, um, I, I wish I knew.

What I know now that the experiences that I shared initially on my blog or in my book, that those really were universal stories because I have people left and right that speak to me and say, thank you for sharing that. That was really vulnerable and I appreciate you sharing that because it helps me to feel normal or that I'm just like everybody else and I'm telling you, if nothing resonates on this episode, then probably you aren't normal because this is unusual to not identify with some of these struggles.

But if you identify with it, just know that everyone around you is experiencing it some in some form or some way, even if we don't quite understand their story. 

Yes. I think sometimes I feel like my. Role is often to say the things that no one else is wanting to say. Yes. And not in a, not in a place of wanting to stir a pot or cause dissension.

Yeah. But just to be honest, like you said about what's going on in my life, and if someone else can just say, oh, I'm not alone in that, then yes, you know, that's worth it. 

I actually have learned how to interrupt and because we get into our own stories and we in some ways are just grateful that someone is sitting there with us to listen to us, but we are accustomed to being in that story.

And we're not actually moving away from the story. It's because it's comfortable. We stay with it, but we actually need to move away from whatever story we've created so that we can get to the, what's the next step? Like what is it that your gut says, or your heart says that you should do next? And I've learned to be an interrupter, which.

May or may not be useful in home, but I do, I, I'm careful with it at home, but it also has encouraged me to be a coach at home more than, um, you know, the traditional role of a mother. But I find that that role of interrupting and asking the curious question, like, so I'm, I'm curious, I haven't heard you speak to dot, dot, dot or tell me more about this thing that you said.

I don't know what's in somebody's mind. I have no idea what they're about to say. Um, even when it's my husband who I probably know more than any person on the planet, I don't always know what he's going to say, but I do have a spider sense when someone isn't saying something or they started to say something, but then they shifted away.

And that right there is a, a powerful coaching tool just to get curious with the person in front of you and. Having someone honestly go into those spaces with you, someone that does not know you, that isn't in your neighborhood, that has no skin in the game, in your family or in your community, is a really useful tool to feel seen and heard and understood.

It really is because sometimes we don't, we don't know what we don't know. Right, right. We don't, we don't know what we're not saying. Not even just not, I remember you reflecting, I'm not you reflecting some of my actual words back to me. Mm-hmm. And not saying anything else. Right. Yeah. But just saying, you just said, you know, then repeating that back and then actually hearing my own words and thinking about that has been very helpful.

 You know, that actually, um, reminds me of something that we talked about before. The conversation was recorded that, uh, uh, because I have older kids, how do you deal with conflict or would you be able to frame the convers Uh, the question again, because it actually relates to this moment. 

Yeah, I was just thinking as my kids get older, you know, certainly, well, just to backtrack a little bit more from that, a lot of how we handle conflict as moms has to do with, again, how we are just taking in that sensory information and conflict is more often than not allowed thing depend, I would say, you know, most of the time, especially with our children who are comfortable with us.

Mm-hmm. 

And it can be a lot for moms like myself, who are easily overstimulated by auditory input. So we're already coming into things, you know, kind of with our hackles raised just because of the sensory input. Yes. On top of that, we have all the emotions and all the thoughts that are coming as well, and as my kids are getting older, the conflicts are looking different.

Mm-hmm. You know, it's not just about who grabbed my toy or who had it first anymore. Yeah. It's, you know, more personal things. 

Mm-hmm. 

So, yeah. Any. Any advice, advice, any wisdom from, from Theresa who's a step ahead would be so helpful. 

So what you just spoke to right before I asked you to clarify the question is one of the tools that we've learned in our family.

Um, in fact over the last month or two, I've been promoting the workshop on a relationship reset and building non communic or, uh, non-violent communication tools into our homes because that's where we started. Uh, it first started with my husband and I, and then we obviously filtered it into the way we were approaching our kids.

And as our conversation, you and I here spoke to, when we're coaching, we have an opportunity to use whatever we use in coaching in our families. And sure enough, on the very same day, I had written and posted about nonviolent communication in our home schools, I had a conflict with my son. Of course. And, uh, and this, you know, spoiler alert, conflict doesn't disappear just because you actually learn how to do it in a healthier way.

But I had an opportunity to use that nonviolent communication. And in a nutshell, I would say that there's four steps to it, and it's gonna feel really intuitive if you practice it, because all it is is acknowledging your feelings. Acknowledging what the needs are beneath the feelings and acknowledging or making a request for, to, for someone to address that feeling.

Um, you know, I missed a step. Of course it's intuitive except if you forget it. But the first thing is to actually observe the behavior. So you notice what's going on for someone and you say, Hey, so I see that, I don't know. You fill in the blank. You slammed your hands against the desk when you started your math project or your, your, your math workbook.

And that is the observation. It isn't. Why are you slamming your hands on the desk? Stop doing that. You're disturbing everyone. You frightened me, although that has been my default setting. Um, but instead, observe. And then ask about the feelings, like, so how are you feeling? Or you stating your feeling. If it's you, um, that needs to express your feeling.

Then get curious for yourself what is the need underneath that? And then make a request to have that need addressed. So I bring that up because obviously you can hear that that entire framework is beneficial for your relationship with your partner, but it is definitely beneficial for your adolescents or the kids that are growing up and, um, how, you know they're adolescent is when they start saying no, or I don't wanna do it that way.

I have a different way of thinking about things or, um, I don't know, some sort of resistance. That's when you know that they're individuating. Just assume it. If there's seven, great. I mean great. I don't know about great. But anyways, you know, it is what it is. But you move toward that pro um, framework because it helps them to get clear on what they need, what they feel, and to make requests.

And on the same day that I started writing, um, a couple of weeks ago, I had that conflict with my teenage son. And before I even said something to him about, okay, so I noticed that, would you tell me how you're feeling? He jumped in and said, okay, I'll tell you how I'm feeling, what I need. And I was like, yay.

That's wonderful. So you've already started to internalize that. Well, um, I speak a little bit about that with just the declarative language, right? When we're talking about understanding, just I notice or I wonder. Those sorts of things, actually, just stating, especially when it comes to senses that are internal that Yes.

That kids might struggle with because they're not visible. Mm-hmm. Um, like our interception and other things, it's hard to, we, we often jump straight to that emotion. Yes. And kids aren't ready, or adults, you know, often, especially if we're in that moment of fight or flight. Yes. We're just not ready to go straight there.

Right. You know, I actually, 

um, released a YouTube video in the last few weeks about how to stay sane as a homeschool mom of teenagers. And it does actually address a lot of the things that I would speak to. But I, I do think it's valuable for us as moms to recognize that though we can use a framework to address both our partners and our kids.

Our kids are not motivated or they're not invested in the relationship with us like our partner is, or at least gotta hope. Gotta hope they are. But, um, but we assume that the partner is, we don't assume that the child is, so the child might not go with you and want to smooth out a conflict. They might just actually be feeling a lot of feelings.

And as you and I both know, there's, um, a brainstorm that happens. And during adolescence, and kids simply don't have the, um, prefrontal cortex available to them the same way that we might, and even we are humans. So we don't always either we have, you know, we're dealing with trauma or we're dealing with highly sensitive, um, or we're dealing with sensory processing challenges or just we feel overwhelmed by certain things.

And kids at that phase are even more challenged by it. And so I would say recognize your reality. This is not just your mini adult, even your oldest child. 'cause that's always the one that we wanna make a mini adult out of. And they are also not a mini adult. They are humans that are going through this brainstorm.

And so we have to be honest with what their capacity is. And I don't know about you, but that time audit conversation ties into this. At least it did for me because all I knew is that I was supposed to do certain things, supposed to, um, I was supposed to do certain things as a, an effective, successful home educator.

And so we were gonna do it on a timeline, but we were gonna do more than actually was reasonable. And everybody was gonna just like fall in line and find what they need before we leave home and get to the place on time, even though they needed help. And you know, there's just one unrealistic expectation after the other.

And there was no margins for them just being kids, 

right? Yeah. Yeah. So much. And I feel like we're as, as homeschool moms, we're in the prime place to work on developing those skills that you're talking about. And yet. The things that really get shoved to the wayside. Yes. Because 

yeah, 

there's, there are too many other things, right.

That we deem as more important or we are not willing to do the inner work ourselves to be able to go there with our kids. 

Yep. And I don't think we have a choice. That's, that's the straight up, um, my thought is you either actually determined to figure out what you need to do to grow. And even those, those aren't typically the words that we use.

We're just like, okay, what is gonna work? We have to move toward personal growth or else we will just become so frustrated and resentful and we'll either go through the motions and the kids will know it or else we'll send them to school or try to find some out. 

Right. And see, here's the thing, even if we send them to school, we're still moms.

Right. 

Exactly. Exactly. So 

worth, it's worth it. 

 Yes, it absolutely is. . I'm speaking from experience.  So your site talks about sensory smart self-care. Um, could you share just two or three examples, either tools or routines or mindset shifts that really changed how you care for yourself in overstimulating moments? 

So I think a great place to start is starting with that crisis moment because we often are just stuck in this cycle of reactivity.

Mm-hmm. 

And we don't know what to do when we get there. We just say things or do things that we end up regretting immediately. Yeah. 

Mm-hmm. 

And we spend the rest of the day in recovery mode. So if we know that regardless of the support systems that we have in place, regardless of the self-care, we we're still gonna have those moments.

Right. Hopefully they'll be less frequent. Then. I think a great place to start is actually working on your plan for when that happens. Yes. What can you do in that moment? To support yourself, whether it's staying there with your kid or whether you are able to communicate what's going on and step away.

And then what sensory supports do you do in those three or four minutes that you might have before things go crazy in the other room. Right. Um, and those are usually things that are gonna tap into those senses that we talked about earlier that are actually understimulated. So it could be, instead of going straight to the deep breathing, it could be something like using your muscles against resistance.

Yeah. So I love pulling or pushing against a countertop in the bathroom because now that my kids are older, they do finally understand Mom closes the door when I go to the bathroom. It doesn't mean they don't bother me through the door, but Yep, I do actually get to keep the door closed. Um, so yes, tapping into your, it's called proprioception by doing, pushing, pulling, lifting.

And you don't have to have anything special for that, right? Because we are gonna have our body weight. So I do that while I've stepped aside. And it's also important to communicate to our kids what's going on. So that's something that I have in the reset strategy as well, is working on a super simple one sentence script to tell your child what's going on and that you'll be right back.

Right? So that cut them up to understand and that you are going to be coming back. And when you do come back, that's another part of the plan is figuring out how to reconcile with your child if you said something or done something that maybe you shouldn't have said or done, because you're human too. So having a chance to show yourself grace in that, in that moment and afterwards.

Mm. That's so beautiful. That probably, um, subconsciously my husband would, um, he'd come home after three, six hours of an emerge shift or something crazy and he would go exercise and I'd be like. Don't you need to sleep? And he, no, I need to burn this off. Yes. I didn't get that. Um, I do now, and in fact, I probably should have done the exact thing before our conversation.

You got home would've been. It's true. I really should have, and I will and I will after the conversation. Except that, that's 

something that we talked about as well is, is that stress cycle. There's really about seven ways that you can complete the stress cycle. But that's one of them. I mean, you know, in his case, you know, he had that adrenaline and he was running on it and he needed it, you know?

Yeah. To, to complete his job and do it well. And we as homeschool moms get our own shots of adrenaline throughout the day for various reasons. And we need to, uh, discharge that. And it could be exercise, it could be laughing, it could be crying, it could be so many different things. Things talking to a 

friend.

Yeah. 

Yes, yes. Mm-hmm. But being actually 

jumping on the trampoline is a great one. 

Yes. Yes. It's, 

yeah, 

that's great. And um, it doesn't even have to be a giant one. It could be like the little in-home rebounders that are kind of coming back in popularity now. 

Yeah. The life of a graduated homeschool mom. I have a trampoline that took my kids years to save for, and we actually said, I think we need you to do that.

'cause my husband's in a merge. So we were like, and there is not gonna be a trampoline here. They finally gathered the money and then they left home. So it's me that uses the trampoline and also my very large dog. 

Oh, that's great. I'd love to see that, Theresa. 

 Yeah, it's, it is very funny. You said your relationship, I remember early on you said your relationship with your daughter was deeply affected by how you made shifts for yourself toward, um, you know, I use the word self-compassion, but I don't think that's what you used, but in how you were relating to yourself.

I think that speaks to this conversation as well. Are you able to speak to that? 

Yeah. I think that this child in particular is the one that really needed a lot of these tools and was just shut off to even considering them and just seeing how it helped me in my own life show up as a more present and regulated mom for her.

Mm-hmm. 

Helped her be open to considering that maybe it's not so bad after all, you know? Yeah. If, if mom can be 38 years old and need support, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with needing support in this way. So even just having the terminology, describing myself with different words to help her understand regulation and what that meant in my life, made her more open to it, and especially just understanding.

I think we've talked a lot about how our own journeys, and it tends to be the child that's so similar to us that can also be so hard to relate to. Right. Uh, so it's been very, very healing for me as well, just thinking back about my own childhood and very healing, working with her through similar situations and seeing her experience.

You know, I would say a sense of, of pride mm-hmm. In how she's able to handle and show up and be successful through those things. That would be so challenging for me, dealing with those same things. Beautiful. That's 

so healing that, um, I, I haven't spoken to this recently on the podcast, but there is another mode or a different approach to engaging in coaching or therapy and it is called internal Family systems and treating the different parts of us as, um, separate almost children inside of us.

And when we are intentionally coaching or developing a healthier relationship with the people in our family and they're younger, we are in a way mirroring the relationship that we had with ourselves when we were younger. So it's very, very much healing work. And so yes, this homeschool mom thing does invite challenge, but it also invites opportunity.

I think so many kids who would benefit from understanding self-regulation can tend to be kids who are demand avoidant. And so when we come at them with all of these things that are supposed to fix the problem for them, 

yeah. 

Um, there's gonna be automatic pushback. Yeah. So, you know how we help people develop these skills as to necessarily look different.

Right. Um, I wish I could take all of my beautiful training as an OT and all of these expensive, you know, continuing education courses and lay them before my child and say, you, no. You should really trust me. I have all of the, I have all the stuff, but it doesn't work that way, does it? 

Do you know, Whitney?

I'm on the other end of this now. So I have a kiddo who's not a kiddo anymore, and she works with me. And so she does a lot of the developing, or she does the actual, um, the graphic design. But I've, I've got all these things that I've been creating for the workshops and all of these, um, workbooks and, you know, like varying tools that can be used alongside the workshop, but for homeschool moms to deal with the relationships or their emotions or to, you know, release themselves from unhelpful schooled mindsets.

And she's working through them as she is putting them on paper and she's like, oh mom, this is gold. Like this is so good. And I'm like, oh, so intriguing for me that you're actually, you are on the receiving end of the personal work that I've done. And also now you're reading the stuff that I believe is the most important, um, the most important things.

And so I am actually on the side of. Being able to see that my kids are really using that. So it's, it's really wild. I feel like I was in your space yesterday and now I see my kids growing up and really using these things, which is a sign I'm old, I suppose, but it also is very gratifying to see this happen.

I can imagine. Yeah. It's, that's very heartwarming to hear and encouraging. Thank you for sharing that. 

Yeah, yeah. You're welcome. Yeah, I am very pleased to still be in this space because, and this is the thing that I wish I could tell every mom, it doesn't matter what your scenario is right now, there is nothing new under the sun.

Everyone has experienced it, possibly people that you're rubbing shoulders with, but they're too busy or occupied or scared to be vulnerable. And yet everybody's stories, um, have a lot of overlap. We have a lot of challenges, but. When we own what really is going on in our homes or in our hearts when we're being honest with ourselves, that's step one to moving away from the challenging stuff.

And it is very possible to move toward, you know, piecing all the different elements that seem challenging, piecing them all together and making a much more beautiful puzzle. And it certainly has been my experience and I know it's been your experience and it has been such a chat or a delight chatting with you today.

I would like to hear where we can find you on your podcast, on your website, and what you're planning to do with the work that you're doing in the next few years. 

Yeah, so you can find me@sensationalmoms.com and on social media and a podcast all under the same name. So easy to, easy to find there. And you can also find some nice free resources if you're interested in if.

Coming up with that three step plan for actually how to go through those overwhelming moments. Then you can find that for free up on the website as well. I love coaching moms one-on-one, and so that is my focus. But I also offer workshops and I look forward to extending into some book groups and group coaching sessions as things continue to grow.

But I, you know, just starting off the ground. Yeah. Coaching one-on-one is, is really my passion and just getting the word out about, about our nervous system and what sensory based self-care can do for, for any mom, and it can really transform the relationships in the home. 

Beautiful. So for the mom listening, who feels overstimulated right now, or as you said, touched out, talked out, um, what's the, the next step for them to move forward?

What would you want for them to hear? What is their next step for their journey? 

I would love for you to contact me for your free consultation so that you can understand how coaching works, and you can see how understanding your unique nervous system needs and really just the whole puzzle piece. I, I would call it the nervous system of the whole family, right?

Yeah. How help everyone underneath the household, you know, can work in harmony. You know, so many, so many times underneath the same household. We all have such different needs, so figuring out how to make that work, how to fit those puzzle pieces together is hard. So, fortunately, I love a good puzzle and we can figure those things out together in, in practical, really just doable steps for your home.

Thank you so much for being here. It's always a pleasure chatting with you. 

Thank you, Theresa.