ADHD & Homeschooling: Letting Go of "Shoulds" with Guest Emily Bailey

If you’ve ever felt like your ADHD brain makes mom life & homeschooling harder, this episode is for you. I was thrilled to chat with Emily Bailey, a mom who’s learning to let go of “shoulds” and find peace in rhythms & strategies that actually fit her neurodivergent brain. 

Together, we talk about what it looks like to homeschool when you’re overstimulated and stretched thin... Oh! And not to mention trying to support your own kid's neurodiversity.

✨ A gentle, real conversation for ADHD and overstimulated moms who crave connection & feeling enough, without pretending to be someone they’re not.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• How ADHD and overstimulation impact homeschooling and daily life
• Why traditional homeschool structure often fails ADHD moms
• How to create flexible homeschool rhythms that match your energy levels
• Simple mindset shifts that turn ADHD “struggles” into strengths
• What happens when you let curiosity, not comparison, lead your day

Check out Emily's coaching resources here: https://homeschoolunscripted.myflodesk.com/subscribe

Connect with her on Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/homeschoolunscripted/

Ready to kick-start your own self-regulation journey so you can ride that emotional roller-coaster instead of feeling like a wreck?  Grab yours for free here: https://sensationalmoms.com/free-resources-for-overstimulated-moms/

This podcast is not meant as medical advice or a substitute for any medical advice. Please contact your health professional with any mental health or physical health questions or concerns.

Transcript

 Welcome back to the Sensational Moms podcast today, and I have really been looking forward to having this chat with Emily Bailey.

Welcome Emily. Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here. So why don't you start off, for those of us, those who are listening, who may not know anything about you, uh, why don't you start off and tell us a little bit about yourself. Well, that's an open-ended question, which I struggle with, so, and you struggle with it.

Why Emily?

That may indicate my neurotype to some people. So I am Emily Bailey. I'm a certified life coach. I certified through the Life Coach school in 2020. Um, and I serve homeschooling moms. Particularly, not exclusively, but particularly those who identify as neurodivergent who have a DHD tendencies, whether or not they have an A DHD diagnosis or who have, um, A DHD or autistic kids.

Um, we've done, i, I coach people that are. Outside the box if that box even exists. Um, I attract a lot of clients who are like me, who came into their own A DHD diagnosis as part of their homeschooling journey, um, and are trying to figure out what homeschooling. Can and should look like for their family.

Um, so it's just an honor to do this work and to get to hold space for women and amplify their voices and help connect them to each other so that they know they're not alone in this, and that there are struggles and there are strengths, and there are strategies that, um, really can help improve the quality of life for a neurodivergent homeschooling family.

That's so wonderful, Emily. I know that when you know as much as I kind of bash the algorithm sometimes, sometimes it connects us, right? And sometimes it does its job. And when I stumbled on your content on Instagram, I don't know, I'm gonna guess it was maybe two years ago. I was just so excited to see it because this is just something that more people need to be talking about.

So I'm glad that you are one of those people you coach moms, so thank you so much for offering that service. 

It is a joy and I do support people. Um, my account is called Homeschool Unscripted. That is where I'm most active is on Instagram. And, um, I, I didn't set out to serve homeschooling moms with a DHD tendencies because when I started my business in 2018, that was before.

COVID. It was before my own A DHD diagnosis. Okay. And I was just going through my own homeschooling journey, feeling like, okay, this is really hard and this is different than I thought it was gonna be. And this is isolating. And why do I feel so strongly that I should homeschool my children? Who some of them are, you know, have, what's the word?

Neuro spiciness. Right? And some don't. Um. But I just felt really passionately about homeschooling and figuring that out and serving my children well. And also this parallel journey of supporting other mothers through this. I thought it shouldn't be this hard. Where is the start here sticker on the map, you know?

And I'm gonna figure this out and I'm gonna help other people too. Um, so I, I love to help people who are, um. At any stage in their homeschooling journey. So some of my clients are prospective homeschoolers that are just wondering if they should do it or maybe dipping their toe in it, but not so sure. Um, some are brand new homeschoolers who wanna know how to start.

Others are really seasoned homeschoolers who need help with burnout or with strong-willed children, or highly sensitive children, or sensory issues or, you know, overwhelm as they're navigating their own, you know, needs as well. And some of my clients are post. Homeschooling and I help them navigate that and transition out of homeschooling whether their kids have grown up and they're out of the house and they're looking for what's next in their own lives, or they're wondering like, Hey, maybe homeschooling isn't the right fit for us, but how do I still stay close to my children and still prioritize, you know, learning and bonding over education, even though they're going to be going somewhere else to school.

So I just wanna make that really clear that I don't, um, I don't have any preconceived notions about what. Clients should do. I don't have an agenda about how they should educate their kids and what's best for everyone, but I do love serving people, um, all across the board. 

Yeah. Yeah. Because the truth really is that we are always our child's teacher, and it might look different for different parts of our own motherhood journey, but.

That relationship is inherently one where we're modeling for our kids and we're learning from each other. So you mentioned that part of your own journey was closely related to your kids and starting homeschooling, and then realizing, you said that was before your A DHD diagnosis. Right? 

Right. Yeah. I, my oldest is 16 years old now.

My youngest is six. Um, but I was homeschooling from the get go. I hadn't intended on it. I sort of fell backwards into it. Um, and it felt like this natural extension of the kind of parenting I was already doing. And, um, but I didn't see it reflected in popular culture anywhere. And, uh, when it came time, you know, I saw my siblings and my friends sending their kids to preschool and kindergarten.

I just. Didn't get the feeling that that's would be right for my child or, or right for me. And so it was definitely a process of self discovery. 

Yeah. Yeah. So part of that self discovery, you said was realizing, okay, things are different in my house and with me than I'm seeing in other places. So what were you, what, what kind of challenges were you running into?

Can you walk us through that? Challenges when I started homeschooling. Yeah. So what led you, I guess that might be a better question. What led you to seek a diagnosis? Did you seek that for yourself with A DHD or how, how did that come about? 

Yeah, so I, you know, I was diagnosed with A-D-H-D-I think it was in 2020.

It was right as my business was really starting to take off, and it was just kind of funny timing, um, because I started my life coaching certification program before the pandemic hit and really thrust homeschooling into, you know, the limelight. Homeschooling. Homeschooling is having a moment now, but it wasn't when I.

Started homeschooling. And when I, um, found a life coach for myself, and when I decided I wanted to become a life coach and help other homeschooling moms, and I remember my husband saying, are you sure you wanna do this? That seems really niche. Like, who's gonna pay for this? Who's gonna want this service?

That just seems like that's too small of a niche, you know? And then the pandemic hit and suddenly everybody was a homeschooler and trying to figure it out. Right? And at the same time. Um, right, right around that time. I, um, I was diagnosed with a DHD as well, but it was not on my radar for, for many years.

So, when I started homeschooling, my oldest, um, when he was, you know, preschool age, I, um, I, I, I guess I should back up. I was a music teacher before I was a mom. Um, I had my own private, private lessons, private studio for voice and piano and early childhood and family. Music lessons and I was always really fascinated by how families and mixed age groups learned together.

And I was always kind of tinkering, you know, with how, how that works. I sensed a potential there. I sensed some challenges, but also this huge potential to teach. A family, and I guess the writing was on the wall that I would become a homeschooler, but I didn't see it back then. I just really enjoyed teaching and seeing how different people learn and, um, you know, so I started teaching piano when I was a teenager and I studied music in college and I, um, I remember taking a class by, um.

A really well-known music, early childhood music educator. She worked for lamb chops, play Along. I don't know if you remember that. Yeah, yeah. Show some songs for PBS. She helped write the National Standards for Music Education. Oh wow. And she was my professor and she taught a class called Music and the Family.

And I was so intrigued. It was this music elective class. I'm like, I'm taking that. And we learned about how. Music and the brain, how brains learn, how music is this great organizer of the brain and how brains like to make order out of chaos. And, and then also looking at music in family settings, you know, throughout the world.

How families bond together, how they learn music, the role that music plays in their lives and in their families. And, um, as part of that, the university that I attended had, um. An early childhood music lab. So it was like on Saturday mornings and it, it served two purposes. You know, one purpose was to, um, really three purposes, I guess.

It it was an opportunity for people in the community to enroll their kids in an early childhood music program, and it was also a. A way for them, you know, as a college department to gather research, right. And data and observe these children and families and how they were learning music together. And, um, it was also a place for the students to, um, the college students to come and get a little bit of teaching experience and observation of these kids.

And so for my class, I went and observed this, this lab on a Saturday morning and watched this. This music class happening and it felt like the clouds parted and this ray of light came down and shone on it. It was like, this is, there's something here for me. There's something very magical about music and education and family learning and, and.

It was like this, I don't know, breadcrumbs I guess that I, yeah, I felt like I needed to follow. And so, um, when I became a mom, I, you know, I enrolled my kid in that program and we, we did a lot of music together and I kept teaching music with my kids in toe. And, um, and so, you know, I, I, when he was, you know, my oldest was three or four, I didn't wanna send him to preschool.

I wanted to keep teaching him. We had so much fun learning together everything, not just music, um, but he was an anxious little guy and he had some sensory differences that I was sort of intuitively aware of, but didn't have the language to describe. So, you know, his Halloween costumes had to feel exactly like regular clothes or he wouldn't wear them.

Right? Uh, and when he would run to me, he would hurry and turn around at the last minute and let me hug him, but he couldn't hug me directly. That was like too intense for him. Um. He was really anxious and worried when we would drive on the freeway, worried about, I don't even know what he was worried about getting in an accident or going too fast or, or you know, where were we going?

And so I would talk to him and narrate, you know, what was happening and where we were gonna get off. And he was like the youngest child, I think ever that has known all the traffic laws and where all of the freeway exits were, you know, other people. Like my sister would drive him in the car and be like, why does he know all this?

You know, my kid is twice his age and he, you know, doesn't know all this. I'm like, well, he, he wanted the information because information, um, soothed his anxiety. Yeah. And so I really just started feeding his intellect because I noticed he was so thirsty for it and it. It helped calm him down. And so, um, you know, he was three or four years old, we joined a little neighborhood preschool, co-op sort of thing, not with other homeschoolers.

It was more of a, you know, it was a lower income neighborhood and it was moms who didn't have money to pay for preschool. And we thought, okay, well let's, you know, everybody. Moms can pair up and each take a week and you know, the kids can rotate houses and we'll save some money and make some friends. And it was lovely.

Um, and I noticed, I approached it really differently than the other moms did, and I wanted to keep going. And so yeah, eventually we joined a homeschool co-op and it was time to sign my kid up for kindergarten and I didn't do it and my husband and now you said that kid's, 

what, 16 or something? 

Yeah, he, he's 16 years old now, you know, five, five kids later.

And it just, I had no idea. What I was walking into when I did not enroll my child in kindergarten. Yeah, it's been quite a wild. 

Ride. I know. It's like a, um, it's like I have a hard time with IWiN and new questions too. And so when people ask me. Oh, why do you homeschool? I'm like, well, how much time do you have?

Because how do I, you know, make this succinct. Right. But I think it is just this series of fortunate events, I guess you could say, where one thing just kind of leads to another, you know? Um, I had this very similar intuition with, uh, with one of my kids. At that point. We were already homeschooling though, but at that point I remember feeling like, okay.

Homeschooling is really going to be the best option for this child. But it is very hard because the way that we are thinking is so different and the anxiety was so big. I thought, okay, well we have to figure out a way to make this work. But I remember before I realized there's differences thinking, um, okay, this is feels terrible because I feel like I'm almost trapped that in order to do what's best for my child.

It is killing me. You know when you have that sort of dissonance and you don't really realize what's going on in those situations, it can be really hard, but you know, even outside of those hard moments. Yeah. Why do I homeschool? Well, honestly, I started homeschooling because I didn't wanna sit in carpool line or like.

Two hours of my life. You know, the OT in me was like, that's not good for child development to sit in the car seat that long. So, you know, now that they're older, that's not the why anymore. Our whys change and they evolve through different seasons. But yeah, those like glimmers of moments where you look back and think, okay, this led to that.

That led to that, and it all just pieces together in this, you know, journey of ups and downs, and it's not all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Right. But it is a, it has a beauty in and of itself, right. 

Yes, way leads onto way, and my reasons, uh, and methods and everything has evolved over time for sure.

But, um, I, I guess to put it succinctly, at the time when I made the decision, it was because. I knew that my son's strengths would be ignored and his weaknesses would be amplified in the public school setting. I didn't expect to feel that way. I was caught off guard by how strongly I felt that I didn't know why.

I didn't know about his neurotype or mine, or sensory needs or giftedness twice exceptional in this, you know, all of these different things. I had no language. I had nobody. You know, modeling it for me, I just had a very strong sense. 

Yeah, yeah. As his mother, you followed your intuition, your, your, that 

motherly intuition.

Yes, I did. And what was, and, and at the same time as I felt so certain, I also had, was just crippled with self-doubt every single day. You know, my husband was not on board, he was very skeptical. He'd never heard of this weird homeschooling thing and what are you talking about? You know, he needs to be, our son needs to be on a path that's gonna lead to success and, you know, what is this freeform, you know, thing that you wanna do.

Um, and, and so I, you know, I was trying to articulate. Figure out, you know, to explain to my husband and also to myself and to mother-in-law and to friends and neighbors, you know, you feel the need to justify this decision because you're swimming upstream. You're doing something counter-cultural. People notice, people wanna know why, and, and often, you know, when they say, well, aren't you worried about whatever it is?

You wanna defend it, but secretly you're just as worried about those things, right? So you have to do a lot of inner work and dig really deep. And I had to deconstruct and figure out, you know, my philosophy of education and parenting and all of this stuff. And, and I re really felt insecure, um, and un under supported and very alone.

And I couldn't, uh, you know, so, so I gave him, looking back, I gave him. An amazing kindergarten year, like cutting edge. If you wanted to have that kind of experience for your kindergartner, you would have to pay thousands of dollars. I, I probably did. Oh my gosh. Spending, you know, um, but it was so good. Way better than I could see at the time because I was so insecure and so scared that I was gonna mess him up for life.

That I was ruining our family, because what worked. As an educator, I always had this, um, my strength as an educator has always been working one-on-one with people and figuring out, um, their learning style and meeting them where they're at and tailoring things to them. And so I was surprised that what worked.

Was not what I had ever seen in a school setting. Um, I hadn't seen other people educate the way I was educating. And it was messy. It was a disaster. I mean, dirty dishes in the sink, you know, science projects all over the kitchen table, you know, Cheerios on the floor, the, the toddlers scarfing up, you know, and you're thinking, oh my gosh, I like, this is not a good clean, organized school room.

Right. First of all, you know, this is not, um. This doesn't look like school and a lot of the, of shame about, you know, not being able to keep it together with, you know, housework and stuff. Um, and I had other kids, you know, I had three ki um, two other little boys running around at the same time as I was trying to teach my kindergartner.

Um, but also I could not make. A lesson plan in advance or a schedule for the day and stick to it. And I felt terrible. And I would try and fail and try and fail. And I just thought, how do people do this and why? And even if I did do it, the times when the stars would align and I would have this, I was actually prepared with, you know, all the things at all the right times.

My son wouldn't play ball. He was like, the way to get him to run away was to say, come here, I'm gonna teach you a lesson like that. Amen. I'm like, okay, are we failing as homeschoolers? And so what I started doing was keeping a log instead of like what I wanted to do during the day or what I thought I was gonna do, I would just write down what we did.

And I amassed this learning log, you know, this evidence of like, oh, we did amazing things day after day after day, and he learned this and this and this, but I couldn't have planned it all in advance. But because I was attuned to him and because I was, um, naturally curious myself and loved learning, and I seized those spontaneous learning moments when they.

You know, when they happen, like, you know, when a child is ripe for learning a certain thing Right. You know, how hard to push or how to scaffold, or at least I do. That's my strength as an educator. Yeah. Um, and I just kind of ran with his strengths and his interests and his questions and he had a, a beautiful education and my only regret from that year is.

How frustrated I was and how overwhelmed I was and how scared I was. 

Right. You know? Were you able to enjoy it, right? You look back and you think, did I take it for what it was, or was I just too anxious to notice what was happening around me? The magic that was already there. 

Yes, there was so much magic and so much learning and also so much anxiety.

His and mine. I wasn't yet aware that I had an anxiety disorder, that I had postpartum depression, that I had a DHD. The only thing I was aware of was that I had fibromyalgia, I had some chronic illness. Um, and a lot of people that have these neurological, um, differences. Develop chronic illnesses because Yeah, it's 

complex.

Yeah. 

Yeah. It's 

layer, just really layer on layer. And you said that, you know, you noticed even back in those, uh, preschool days, like the preschool co-op, that the way that you were leaning into the learning, the way that you were engaging the kids was different. And why do you think that is? 

Oh, I think it's definitely because of my A DHD.

Yeah. Um, and because like my, I'm, because I'm a, I'm a teacher, you know, I love, I get a big dopamine hit from watching somebody's light bulb moment happen and helping to facilitate that. And I think the, the relationships that are formed between a student and a teacher and the subject matter. Are so beautiful.

That is where my creative flow is most of the time. And so I think it's partly because of. Yeah, that, that, that's my zone of genius, I guess. And so, um, you know, these other moms, okay, so the, the preschool thing was set up so that, um, you know, there's 26 weeks and everybody's gonna take a letter, right? A, B, C, D, E.

So every week the theme is gonna be the letter, right? Here's the letter A, here's the letter B, and you're gonna have a team, you know, the two of two, two moms are gonna team teach and. And you can do whatever you want on Tuesday, that's the lesson day. They'll come to your house and you do your lesson how you want to, and then on Thursday it'll be a field trip day.

And so that was the only instruction I had to go on. So, um. I, I, I went first, you know, A is for Apple, right? And so what did we do? We cut apples in half and we made stamps and we saw the star that it makes when you cut it the certain way, you know, and we bobbed for apples and, and we read books about apples and we were apples.

We acted out, you know, like I, I tapped into. All these different learning styles, right? We did kinesthetic, we did auditory. You know, we, we did fine and gross motor and we were outside, you know, hanging upside down. You know, we did all this stuff. We were acting things and, and it was so fun. And the kids loved it.

And they loved me. And my goodness did they learn the letter A and what it says and, and how fun this can be, and then. When I went to the other classes, like dropping my kid off or you know, being the support teacher for other moms, nobody else did it that way. They were like, okay, B, B what starts with B?

Uh, blueberry basketball balancing, um, ballerina. And so their lessons were like this smattering of like, well, here's the worksheet, you know? Right. This. Thing right about this, and let's have blueberries for a snack and let's, let's do it. It, it lacked the cohesion and the passion and the depth of my lesson, which was just about apples.

Right. So I picked one thing and I went narrow and deep, but then I accessed all these different learning modalities, and I'm not saying that theirs was worse than mine or better it's than right. It was just really different. And I filed that away. I was like, oh, I am first of all way too excited about this and taking this way more seriously, other moms, and, and it, it was just so different.

And, you know, one of those hallmarks of of A DHD, um, is. Is those really passionate niche interests where you go narrow and deep, you do these deep right, and you get really fired up about it. Right, right. So that was a clue, I guess. Yeah. 

Yeah. I just, you just made me think of, um, how a major way that I've had to kind of tweak how we do, um, how we do reading and different things at our home because of that.

Because, um. My own educational philosophy. I lean very heavily towards Charlotte Mason, but definitely not a purist, you know, spread a variety of things, right, available for the child, and yet I have kids. Really wanna go narrow and deep and long. So this idea of, you know, taking a book and let's read a little bit over time and spread it out over all year.

I've got some kids that are like, Hmm, gimme the book. I love this book. I wanna delve into this book and eat and drink and sleep this book for a week. And then they're done with 

it. 

Yeah, yeah. Right. You know, and it's just different. And, you know, I'm not going to take the way that their mind works and processes it and try to cram it into a different mold because it's, you know, the, the right way necessarily, because this is how this child sees the world and thrives.

And so that's the beauty of, of, uh, educating at home. Right. That we can. Lean into that for ourselves and our kids and sometimes, you know, the way that we process information and, and soak it in is gonna be different than our kids. Right. Especially if you've got multiple kids, that chances of, you know, like you said, you have five kids, right.

I'm sure they're not all five the same. Right. And so that is one of the hardest parts of homeschooling is figuring out, okay, how do I, how do I do this, you know, this number of different ways and not lose my own sanity in the process. Right. 

Absolutely. And that's exactly what happened because you know my, I remember my husband saying once, like, I think homeschooling would be really great if we only had one kid.

But you know, because I, like I told you, my strength as an educator is tailoring, meeting the individual one-on-one where they're at, and you know, building on that and identifying these different learning styles. Well, what do you do if you have five kids and five different learning styles and your own philosophy of education and your own way that your brain likes to learn?

And you know, it, it became very, very overwhelming when I started homeschooling multiple kids because I only knew how to do. One-on-one. And that is another trait that I have that um, I didn't realize I had even before I was a mom, was, you know, I struggle in groups. I struggle to talk to a group because all I can see is all these individuals and I wanna connect one OnOne and I don't wanna lose anybody.

And so, you know, I will hyperfocus on a conversation or on a specific person in a group setting to the point where I can't even hear. The others, you know, and so that can be really great for whoever I'm hyper-focusing on, but it can leave other people in the dust feeling neglected or feeling un misunderstood or unimportant, you know?

Um, yeah, yeah. Not having always control over that intense focus. And, um, so getting an A DH ADHD diagnosis all these years later is, uh, all these years later, I really had, I looked back at my life. Completely differently. And I saw the markers of it, you know, since I was a child. And, um, my psychologist who diagnosed me, I appreciated the way he explained it.

He said, A DHD isn't a deficit of attention. It's an imbalance of attention and a lack of, you know, control over where that attention goes. But it's not that I can't pay attention. It's just to what and when and for how long and how deeply and, and do I have a say in that? And is that the thing I should be paying attention to?

Right, 

right. 

So yeah, so it definitely, um. I think my rock bottom was when my fourth baby was born and my oldest was, you know, second or third grade-ish at the time, and I was trying to not fail him. So I was hyper-focused on my oldest, um, and being the best homeschool mom. Ever in the world that was gonna be me.

Right. No pressure. Right? No pressure. And um, you know, and so my second son, you know, is kindergarten age and he's, you know, easygoing, whatever. He's just fine to like tag along. That worked fine. But then my third child was born and he was like a bull in a China shop. He had a speech delay. I couldn't understand him.

He was explosive. He was yelling all the time. He was breaking stuff, you know, clearly had some special needs and I couldn't even see it. I just knew he was. Distracting me from succeeding as a homeschool mom for my oldest, and then here's my newborn baby. They're crying and my husband's traveling and he's outta town all the time, you know, for work and, and my husband walked in one day.

And I was fighting with my oldest trying to make him do math so that I could be a good homeschool mom so that he wouldn't end up in prison because he will. You know, like that's how fast my catastrophizes, right? If my kid won't do this lesson, he's gonna get behind and if he gets behind, he is not gonna graduate.

And if he doesn't graduate, you know, blah da da. Right. And so I'm, you know, we're arguing about math and my son's getting emotionally flooded and he, he is like math averse. He's like allergic to math and I'm trying to, you know, figure that out. And my second son is standing on the table, you know, eating fishy crackers and needs a d, you know, a pull up change or something.

And then my little tiny toddler is literally was taking books off the shelf and ripping them in half and throwing the pages, like confetti while I'm trying to nurse my baby. And the house is just a disaster. Like that was what? My husband walked in on and saw, and he's like, okay, something needs to change here.

You know? Yeah. And, and, and for all my good intentions and all my experience as an educator and all of my strengths as a mom, I was overwhelmed and under-resourced and uneducated about my own. Brain and my kids. And I remember Googling like, what do you do if you think your brain is broken? Broken brain, brain help.

Like I concluded, something must be wrong with my brain because I couldn't keep a clean house no matter how hard I tried and I couldn't organize stuff, you know? And that was really getting in my way. I couldn't organize lesson plans and follow through on things. Um, and I knew that my little toddler. Had some big needs and I had to, I had to figure that out.

So that is what kind of led me, I guess, to seeking and, and why did I feel so strongly that I should home keep homeschooling my kid, right? Um, and so that led me to a diagnosis for him and for me and for little brother. And, uh, really shifted the whole homeschool game when I realized. What sensory processing even was, what A DHD even was, you know, all of these things.

Um, and, and, and I got a life coach. Because I had anxiety and I didn't know what to do with it. Um, and I got a life coach who didn't know anything about homeschooling, but that was the turning point for me was, oh my gosh, these are the executive functioning and emotional regulation and planning and follow through, you know, and relationship and communication skills that I never learned.

Growing up that I didn't pick up somehow just by being a human being that other people seem to be picking up these skills. I hadn't, I had to have them explicitly taught to me by a life coach and practiced them. Um, and so it was, I still think that getting a life coach was the best A DHD treatment I've ever done.

And it was before I even knew I had a DHD. 

Yeah. So help me understand that with the life coach, what do you think was so helpful with that, with that interaction, with that relationship? Um, 

well what was interesting was that I chose a life coach, um, who was from my neck of the woods. She had a similar cultural and religious background.

I felt like she got like. You know where I came from, you know, my, my emotional and social and geographic climate. And I think a lot of times when we're struggling, we look around for someone who looks like us. 

Yeah. Um, how 

are they doing it right? And so even though the things that I learned from her, I could have learned from anybody.

I liked her voice. Her voice resonated with me. I thought she's gonna understand and can help me. Um. And what she taught, what she offered, you know, explicitly what I learned from her was probably it. It breaks down to really three different things. First of all, is what to do with all the thoughts in your head.

I, and learning how to observe my own thinking. And not just be living at the effect all of it. I believed every thought in my head. I thought they were all true and they were all mine. And it was news to me that half of them aren't. Half of them are other people's thoughts that they offered to me. Right?

Or maybe they're my thoughts, but they're not useful. Right? Or they were learned. They're not natural, they're not who I am. So that was huge. To learn that, especially because when you have a DHD, you have even more thoughts swirling around in there faster, you know, at higher speeds than other people do, and you can get very overwhelmed by the thoughts in your own head.

Yes, 

absolutely. Yeah. I would say that's been what I have experienced working with experience other people with A DHD and a d. D is that not only can you be overstimulated by the world around you. What is going on inside of you is also equally, if not more overstimulating sometimes. 

Yes. And so learning a process for learning why that happens and what to do with it was absolutely life changing that skill alone.

Put me on a trajectory that is so different than, and so much better and healthier and more fun than if I hadn't learned that skill. So that was the first thing. And the second thing I think I learned was what to do with my. Huge emotions, and especially the negative ones, the ones I didn't want, you know, frustration, overwhelm, um, indecision, you know, exhaustion, despair, anxiety.

I didn't understand what emotions are, where they come from, why we have them, and what to do with them. And I learned that in life coaching. And again, with a DHD, you can get really big feelings, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Really mood swings and, um, you can get emotionally flooded. You can get emotionally stuck, um, and ruminate and wallow.

Um, you can be really reactive, you know, these emotions are powerful and if we don't know what to do with them, then again, we can, we can become really, um. Reactive and, and volatile as people. Right. You know? Mm-hmm. And you see kids that have a DHD and they're, they're hitting their brother and they're acting out at school.

Right. And they, they struggle with, um, emotional regulation. So learning that was an absolute game changer. And then I think the third thing that I learned was executive functioning strategies, which, hi, if you have a DHD, then you know, you might have some, some executive functioning. Difficulties. And so I learned a specific process for how to plan and follow through, how to set and reach goals, how to manage time and space, all the things that people with a DHD struggle with.

So even though my life coach wasn't an A DHD coach, she wasn't trained, she wasn't a medical professional. She was just here to help people set and reach goals and live more fulfilling lives. But everything I learned. Those were the things that I had struggles with because of my undiagnosed A DHD, and it was so accessible.

It was so user friendly, and I thought, this is so impactful, and also this looks really fun. I bet I could do this. I bet I could figure this out and I bet I could teach other people. That seems to be a theme with me. I guess with something new. This seems cool. I'm 

gonna figure it out and I'm gonna teach other people.

Well, that's an awesome skill to be able to have and a passion. So I know that there have been a lot of moms that have benefited from that. So I, um, I'm wondering within the homeschool setting. Okay, so we've talked some about the challenges that come along with that just because there's so many. Balls in the air, right?

Like you're juggling the housework, you're juggling life with tiny humans, or not so tiny humans, and the schoolwork is just going to be one part of that. Right. Um, how do you feel like, um, how your brain works has been an asset, not just a. Not, not just a challenge. What, what unique strengths can you say that you feel like you bring?

I know you said the spontaneity, right? Like you notice, um, you notice those, those unique learning opportunities. That was one of the things you mentioned. Can you think of anything else or can you elaborate? Maybe. Yes. Um, 

I am highly curious and willing to go deep on things, right? I am spontaneous and I'm really passionate.

Um, I'm. Those are all at, uh, as you say, those are real assets in the homeschool setting. And, you know, my clients get really bogged down in how their A DHD is a liability, how they can't plan and follow through, and they're not organized and the house is messy and they can't make themselves do things.

They struggle with motivation and they, you know, all of these ways that A DHD shows up in a homeschool in, you know, a negative way. Um, but yes, I think I have more of. Creativity, curiosity, um, and a like a willingness to dive in without thinking something all the way through can actually really come in handy when you're homeschooling.

And I think it some, you know, it's like, is this, where's the line between like genius and insanity? You know, 

lemme know when you figure that out. 

You have to be a little bit crazy to wanna homeschool, right? Um, but be, especially when your kids are young. All those things I just described, being spontaneous and fun, loving and curious and excited and looking at things in new ways and, um, being willing to try things even if you haven't thought it all the way through.

Doesn't that sound like I'm describing a really awesome second grader? You know, like I feel like my A DHD is this inner second grader that will always be. Second grade, and she's brilliant. She's fun loving and you wanna be with her. She's charismatic, she's hilarious, she's smart, she's driven, you know, all these things.

And also she forgets to clean up after herself and she can be impulsive and emotionally flooded and these things, right? So, um. So it was super fun to educate my kids because I had that passion and I would say yes to their hair-brained ideas and we would end up having this really cool emergent learning experience that I could not have preconceived.

And if I had, it would've fallen flat, but because it was driven by them. But I'm an adult with resources. I have money and car keys. Yes, let's go. Like I remember getting in the car. And driving to the mountains because there was a cloud really low on the mountains. And my kid was like, oh, I wanna, I wish I could touch that.

And I was like, let's go see if we can, like, I don't know where we're supposed to be right now, but like, let's go, you know? And, and how much we learned by driving through a cloud. Instead of C is for cloud, here's the printable trace, the letter C. These are the different kinds of clouds, and I'm not knocking anybody, any Montessori printable, you know, whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I can't do that. I can't plan that kind of a lesson and be interested in it. And if I'm not interested in it, how's my kid gonna be interested in it? Exactly. And so I always 

thought 

I was failing as a homeschool mom because I couldn't Yeah. Print out a worksheet about a ladybug. And I was completely discounting, like not even realizing that we were hunting for ladybugs in our garden, that we were raising them, that we, we were doing the thing instead of just learning about the thing.

That is a real, real strength and a huge gift to kids who, especially in early year years, learn very hands-on concrete. So absolutely. My A DH ADHD was an asset to my homeschool. 

That is so beautifully said. Thank you for helping, helping articulate that because I'm sure that there are some moms listening to this episode.

Who might be thinking, okay, like you said, I feel less than because of all of these challenges. So with that mom in mind, what is a word of encouragement? What, what would you say to that mom? 

First of all, I would say I know how you feel. Um, especially as I got, um, you know, had more and more children, the skillset required, you know, like I couldn't just be spontaneous anymore.

I had to know what was for dinner because I couldn't make five different dinners every night for, to customize to all of my five different children. I couldn't make five different lesson plans every day. I couldn't, you know, and so, so I felt like I, I, I went into administration. I had to learn how to manage the organization of a family and a home.

Almost like it's, it's like a business, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I, I like teaching. I like being in the trenches. I don't wanna be a principal. I don't wanna be a school administrator, I wanna be in the classroom with the kid. You know, that's where the dopamine is for me. And so it requires a different skillset, home and family management.

Um, and so my, my self-esteem started to really tank and I, I forgot about my strengths and, or they felt like they didn't apply or I couldn't access them anymore. I didn't have the luxury of being spontaneous or curious or vibrant anymore because I was. So burnt out and bogged down with the demands and of the logistics, the boring stuff, right?

Yeah. Which other people? You know, my sister homeschools and she does not have a DHD, and she shines in organization and family management, and she struggles with the spontaneous, like she had to write down, she took notes like, okay, follow the child's interests, you know, that's me. It's not intuitive to her.

So all my strengths that I just thought was what everybody was good at. They're not all good at those things. Yeah. My struggle, 

I'm one of those, Emily, because that's one of the reasons we're part of a co-op, is because I tell my friends, make me go on field trips. Ah, like, make me like you plan it. I'll go.

But the introverted, I like everything to be the same every day. Mommy, that is me. And you know, not only do I not get everything the same every day because I've got four kids in life, but, um, I want, I need, I need people like you, Emily. I need neurotypes like this to help, you know, help bring out that passion and that exuberance that you carry.

So. 

Yeah, and I need people like you and people that have planning skills and you know, will create a structure. I joined a homeschool co-op for the structure because I struggled to make my own structure and I pushed against structure, but I could also tell that I needed it. And so homeschooling in a, you know, with a co-op or with homeschool classes in the community or private lessons gave me an anchor to my day, you know, to build things around.

And I think one of the unique. Things that homeschool moms with a DHD struggle with is their, their relationship to structure. They need it, but they hate it. 

Love hate. 

Yeah. How to, how to develop that themselves so you know, you're not alone. And it really is hard. You know, other moms, you know, aren't battling their own.

Emotional dysregulation to the same degree. Other moms have more, you know, experience and confidence planning and organizing things. And it's apples and oranges though. It's not better than or less than. It's, it's. I need to, I need to shadow another homeschool mom with a DHD. How does somebody with my neuro type do things?

And you know, I would say also, you know, to be selective about the information that you take in about homeschooling, who you're comparing yourself to, who you're getting inspiration from. In a way, I think it's really helpful to follow neurotypical, you know? Great organized homeschool moms because that's a skill that I struggle with.

And so I wanna see like, what does an organized person think that I'm not thinking? What are they doing that I'm not doing? You know? And that might be second nature to them, but I really need to, to analyze that. I used to take pictures of the insides of my sister's cupboards 'cause I was like, how does she know what to put in her kitchen cupboard?

How does she organize them? How does she remember to put things in there and take them back? Like I was fascinated by Yeah. Outta sight. What happens when something's out of sight? I don't know. Right? Yeah. Um, and, but you can also really feel bad about yourself. Well, why, why am I a 35, 40-year-old woman and I still dunno how to clean my room or organize my kitchen, you know?

So I think we need to be careful about the information we take in about homeschooling and also the information that we take in about A DHD because there's so many influencers out there and, and a DHD has become this, you know, popular thing that people are talking about and making jokes about and, and almost, uh, learn helplessness kind of thing.

Like, oh, I have a DHD, so. You know, my executive functioning is broken or so I can't, you know, these limiting beliefs that we have and I want people to know that executive functioning skills, managing the overwhelming thoughts, um, dealing with frustration, high levels of emotional volatility. Those are.

Skills that can be learned by anybody, and you just need somebody who can teach them to you in the way that you can understand. But they are absolutely skills you can learn. Same with organizing, with planning and following through. Um, so you're not doomed if you have a DHD and you feel like you are, you know, you're drowning and you're not accessing your strengths and your fun anymore.

Um. Get around people like you, um, who are reaching goals and figure out how they do it. Get yourself a coach. Get yourself a, a mentor. Get yourself a peer who's going through it. Um, because people with A DHD carry really high amounts, disproportionate, I think amounts of shame. 

Yes. And 

connecting, you know, having conversations like this, collaborating, being honest about your struggles, um, if we can lift the shame.

And teach you skills and processes and give you the structure, the scaffolding that you're lacking. Um. Then you can start to live a strengths and values-based life instead of a fear-based or, you know, reactive. I'm living at the effect of my circumstances kind of life, and that's the work that I do with clients and it's so fulfilling and I watch their body language change and their, you know, their relationships change.

They come to me for homeschooling help. But the problems that A DHD moms are seeing in their home schools. Is the tip of the iceberg. You know, a lot of times they don't need a new curriculum or a new homeschool plan or a different homeschool room set up. They need. Executive functioning, emotional regulation.

Yeah. You know, freedom from shame, um, kinds of kinds of work, but they don't know that. 

I'm glad that you said that because this is the time of year where I feel like shiny new object syndrome really starts to kick in because people have been doing, you know, the same curriculum or reading this book or that for a couple months and then things aren't working out and you think, okay, it must be the curriculum.

Right? Yeah. But as you said, rarely. Sometimes, I mean, I'm the crazy mom that teaches four different math curricula to four different kids, but usually it is not the curriculum. Right. 

Yeah. And one of one, one of the ways that there's so many, like almost funny ways that once you realize you have a DH adhd, you see how it shows up in your homeschool, right?

Um, yeah. When you're a kid, you know, you have the shiny object syndrome in different ways. But a homeschool mom with a DH ADHD still has that. And so she'll buy new curriculum, she gets a dopamine hit from buying new curriculum and in, or inventing a new system, but then the dopamine dries up and once the monotony kicks.

And it's not novel anymore. Her brain can't focus on it anymore. Mm-hmm. And then, oh, okay, well then I need a new one. I need a new one. Right. And so you get these big cycles of, you know, like the high and then the, the despair afterwards. And then you're amassing more and more evidence. Oh, look, see, I just can't plan and follow through.

I just can't stick with a curriculum. I'm just not cut out for homeschooling. Right. And then, and then, um, it becomes this, this hole that you're digging yourself deeper and deeper. Yeah. There's a way out of that, but you do have to be, um, aware that, oh, I am, I'm actually looking for dopamine here. I don't actually need a new curriculum or a new schedule.

Right. Maybe I do. There's times when you do and times when you don't, and if you get a good coach or a mentor, they can help you learn to tell difference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you learn to, when you become aware of your needs, you can meet them in healthier ways. Um, and then homeschool from a more clean and grounded and intentional place.

Yeah. Instead of as this kind of way of. Meeting your subconscious needs. 

Yeah. Yeah. The cost of, um, there's a lot of cost that comes along with it. There's the cost of the guilt and shame that can come along with it. That there is, like you said, the financial cost of trying this new tool, oh, I need to just reorganize my school room.

There's some more money there. I need to just try this new curriculum. There's some more money there. Like, you know, there's like all these things that just start to add up after a while when really if you could just get to. The foundation that's underlying those difficulties, then it will support you in so many other areas of life.

So that is what you, one of the many things that you offer as a coach. So can you let us know how moms can find your resources and connect with you? 

Yes. The best way is to follow me on Instagram at homeschool unscripted. You can also just email me at Emily Bailey coaching@gmail.com. Um, I mostly work one-on-one with clients because I love that one-on-one.

Me too. And I, and they do too because everybody's unique. Everybody's situation is different. Um, and, and so I. One-on-one coaching is great, but not everybody can afford the time or the money for that. And so I do also on occasion have pop-up workshops. Um, I teach a homeschool design class in the summertime, and I teach a.

Homeschooling. I, I, I guess it's more of a, a coaching group, um, for homeschool moms with a DHD tendencies. And I do that every February when homeschool moms are feeling really low. But I've been toying with doing another one in the fall, uh, um, because of what you just mentioned, right? You make your homeschool plans and then you get started and then.

You stop following your plan or you think your plan isn't working, what do you do now? This is actually really hard. The novelty's wearing off. Mm-hmm. Um, and, and it's getting really hard. So, so you can get one-on-one coaching from me, you can get group coaching from me, and I'm also working on building a library of online resources and on demand resources, um, for people who can't wait for the, the popup coaching group.

So, but the best to hear about those is to follow me on Instagram and watch my stories. That's where I post that. Or, um, I think there's a link on there you can get, um, sign up for my email list. Okay. 

I'll be sure to look at that and put it down in the show notes as well. Yeah, I think there's so much power to one-on-one coaching, not only for you because like that helper is high, that one-on-one.

I love it, don't you? Yeah, I really do, but also I feel like. We are just so inundated with information. If we are not neuro norm, then that information overload can be really paralyzing. So figuring out, okay, yeah, but where do I start? Like you said, where is the start? Here on the map is priceless. Really?

Yes. And so the start here for, for my business is just book a one-on-one hour with me, a consult, and we will figure out if you need one-on-one. Coaching, if you need a group, you know what, what you need. Um, I, I have found that especially, you know, I, I started the A DHD homeschooling mom coaching group, um, because I had all of these private clients that would whisper to me.

I think I have a DHD and I was like, what is this about? You know? And again, this was before I knew I had a DHD, and then I got my own diagnosis and it was like, oh my gosh, so many of my clients are whispering this and embarrassed. About it. And also struggling with money. They don't have money for private coaching 'cause they have, they do so much Amazon impulse buying.

They don't have money for something like that. Plus they don't have the confidence that they can go all in on themselves and invest that kind of money because they're worried they're not gonna follow through. So I thought, what can we do that's more cost effective, you know, um, for them. And so I started a group, but I was floored by how much they loved the group coaching aspect of it.

They sometimes will coach each other. Yeah. They will listen to each other. Hearing other women's stories, again, it removes that layer of shame that is so debilitating for us and also helps you crowdsource solutions, um, in a more cost effective way. So it's actually been a really fun, um, growth in my business that I wasn't expecting and, and people get a lot of value out of that.

So thank you. Thanks for having me. And, uh, and shedding light on the experience of homeschool moms who have a DHD tendencies so they don't have to feel so alone. 

I'm so glad that you joined me. Thank you, Emily.