Talk With Tay
Welcome to the Talk With Tay Podcast! Join Tay on an inspiring journey of healing, resilience, and personal growth. In each episode, Tay shares heartfelt stories and candid conversations about overcoming life's challenges, with a special focus on coping with grief and loss. Whether you’re seeking support, motivation, or a sense of community, this podcast aims to uplift and empower you. Subscribe now to be part of a transformative journey and never miss an episode. Let’s talk, heal, and grow together!
Talk With Tay
The Impact of Grief on Relationships
Losing a parent is an indescribable experience that reshapes our lives and relationships in profound and often painful ways. Reflecting on my own journey after my mom's passing just before my college graduation, this episode of "Just Talk with Tay" offers a raw and heartfelt exploration of grief's impact on personal relationships. From the overwhelming loneliness due to a lack of support to the unexpected comfort found in old friends and even strangers, I candidly share how my family dynamics and friendships were tested and reshaped during this difficult time.
Amidst the chaos and heartache, I grapple with questioning God's decisions and seeking meaning behind my loss. Navigating through the initial anger and disbelief, I recount the cherished memories and personal rituals that have become my anchors in the turbulent sea of grief. The conversations highlight the internal conflicts and the ongoing struggle to find peace and understanding. The complex emotions and intense nature of grieving a parent are laid bare, inviting listeners to reflect on their own experiences and perhaps find solace in knowing they are not alone.
Family dynamics during such trying times often reveal both the best and the worst in people. Feelings of abandonment by close family, tensions created by selfish behaviors, and the struggle to maintain familial unity are all too real. This episode sheds light on the harsh realities of unmet expectations and the importance of breaking cycles of dysfunction for future generations. Tune in to hear how these experiences have influenced my current approach to relationships, leading to a preference for isolation and a reluctance to form new connections, ultimately shaping the way I view support, effort, and love in times of crisis. Join me for an intimate conversation on the complexities of grief and the lessons learned along the way on "Just Talk with Tay.
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Welcome back to Talk With Tay. Podcast man. We back with another episode, episode 4. I'm solo today, man. If you haven't seen my last episode, go check that out. I have my boy Sherman on the podcast. He got a real, real inspiring story for y'all, man. So if you haven't check that out, man, go ahead and tune in. It's available on all platforms. Like I say, and you know all of my posts, or whatever man, go check that out. Yeah, man, today I'm solo, bro.
Speaker 1:I've been meaning to talk about this topic a lot, actually sooner than I have today, but you know we're here today than I have today, but we're here today. Today's episode is going to be about the impact of grief on relationships, personal relationships. I'm going to walk you through just some of my experiences with family, close friends, and how those relationships you know the dynamic of them changed while I was grieving. Very interesting. It's very, very confusing time for me, I would say, and throughout this time I've learned that you know, I'm not the only one who's dealt with things like that and for the longest time, you know, I thought that was. I thought I was the only one who would deal with something like that and for the longest time. You know, I thought that was, I thought I was the only one who would deal with something like that, so didn't really expect a lot of those relationships to end up the way they did, especially from family friends and you know just people. That was close to me, bro. Like that hurt, that hurt, I speak about it and you it in some of my episodes, right, I talk about. You know how I went through some changes with my family, my close friends, a lot of my, you know just a lot of people close to me. You know intimate relationships during that time and even you know just throughout the journey in the last two and a half years. You know just throughout the journey in the last two and a half years.
Speaker 1:You know I'm going to talk about how those relationships right, like how they affect me and how they can affect others while you're grieving man, this, um, this topic is important for many reasons, bro, because a lot of people really don't know how to support someone when they when you know, when they're grieving, bro, like especially a parent, right, like that's not. I'm not going to say it's not common for someone to lose a parent man, but you know most people that you, you be around, you know, they don't really know what that's like. You know, some people haven't experienced grief to a certain magnitude as other people, right, so it could be different trying to handle someone who's grieving or just be there right, and support is such a hard thing when it's such a hard thing if you don't have it right, if you don't have someone or supportive system when you're grieving. Bro, it could be real, you know, just real, real, only dog, and it's been an interesting journey for me. So I definitely had to hop on here and you know, and just talk to you all about it, man, because it's, you know, it's something that's bothering me, obviously, right, it's a lot of things that still bother me about that time and even today it's, you know, it's transpired over into my life, you know, today. So, yeah, man, I just want to dive in a little deep, a little deeper to certain situations and you know we're gonna have this conversation, bro. So, as you know, man, like you know, we're going to have this conversation, bro.
Speaker 1:So, as you know, man, like the emotions I felt after losing my mom, it was like, man, I can't explain that feeling, bro. I talk about this so much, man, and it's for anybody who's out there. Right, you lost a parent. You know how I feel. You know what I'm talking about, man. It's a feeling you can't really describe, bro, especially right then when you first find out. It's like, man, I always say, like I say this a lot, I say, when my mom died, right, it felt like a part of me died and looking back, man, it almost seemed like I literally died too. Like the way you know the things that I was going through, like especially dealing with people, it felt like I went with my mom, like it's such a you know, it's a really fucked up feeling.
Speaker 1:I ain't gonna lie to you, man, because you would think people would want to support you. You know, during a time like that, man and and at this point I don't really try to, you know, blame people or anything like that, but it's just really, it's really crazy how people close to you I'll say that people close to you, right'll say that people close to you, right, because everybody you can't get support from everyone, right, and shout out to the people who did support me, but people close to you, bro, you would think, right, you just would think that you would be able, you wouldn't have to ask for that. You would be able to get that just off the strength man, just naturally. Family, you feel me, my friends, homeboys, homegirls, whoever man you would think right that motherfuckers would be there and nobody was really there. Dog like man, it's something I'm still dealing with, bro. Like I still deal with this shit every day Because now, like I realize you know, that affected me so much during that time.
Speaker 1:It's like I don't even want relationships with people nowadays, like I don't want new friends and none of that shit. Like you know what I mean. I'm just comfortable, you know, isolating, and that's not always a good thing though, but that's just where I got. You know this is at the point at this point. That's where it's gotten me, and it's not a, it's not a good feeling all the time, like I'm good, I'm better now, but it's hard to not relive those moments and think about you know, think about how it affected your life in so many different ways. I will say man, during that time, bro, and reason why I'm talking about relationships, because you know, once you lose a parent, it affects you in ways that you would never think right, like, for example, ability to communicate, going forward. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:At that time, bro, I didn't want to talk to nobody you can pay me to talk like I had shit to say to nobody, dog, and that, like it was just an empty feeling. You know what I mean? Like just a real empty feeling. It's like I couldn't even talk. It's like I didn't know how to talk, like literally didn't know how to speak, and I would just look at people sometimes, and if they were trying to talk to me, it was just like I got. If you looked in my eyes, you just seen like a hole inside of me, bro, like you could just look right through me, right, like I was invisible or something like that. That's the only way I can describe it. Like it made me not, it just made me not want to talk to people at all.
Speaker 1:Like I just I shut down, man, I shut down for a long time, like you couldn't, even when I was with myself, right, I was talking a lot in my head, right, obviously I'm dealing with a lot of demons, dealing with the suicidal shit. So it's, you know, it's, it's a long. Especially if you're lonely too, that can be really hard, man, that can be tough on people. So that's, you know, that's definitely one of the ways it affected me, like as far as communication, even today, like I don't, I don't like talking to people, like because I always feel like I got to explain myself, right and I don't really like doing that. I've always kind of been like that, like I ain't got to explain shit to nobody. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:But now it's like when you're trying to heal, right, you're trying to get you know, not get through it, but progress. You're trying to get better each day while losing someone so close to you. But it's so hard, man, it's like you're trying to figure out who this new person is. Man, like it's a baby trying to walk again you know what I mean Baby trying to talk, like it's all, like your life starts over, like completely, and that's like the hardest part about it, because you don't know who you are. You searching, you're going through this lonely, even if you do have a support system, right, it's still a lonely feeling because now you certainly, like I said, you're searching for yourself again, right, you're trying to fill this void and everybody deals with it differently, bro, like you just never know.
Speaker 1:That's why it's important, you know, to have a support system and these relationships, man, you gotta, you gotta have people around you that really fuck with you, that really care about you, man, like. So everybody out there who got support systems and you know, just got their parents or whatever bro man fix, fix whatever problems y'all got you know, just got their parents or whatever bro man fix, fix whatever problems y'all got you know, be there for one another, be there for other people, man, and they'll be there for you. You know what I mean. Sometimes it ain't going to be like that, though. You know what I mean it's you're going to show up for people and they ain't going to show up for you. So just keep that in mind. But just, man, make sure you, if you're ever around somebody who's grieving bro, just you know, just make sure you're there, just you know, just be present. You ain't gotta, you ain't gotta solve their problem for people, bro, just make sure you know, make sure you can support it any way you can, dog, and that's man, that's man, it's important. I'll just leave it at that.
Speaker 1:I would never understand, like, like, immediately, right, like I seen the shift in everybody around me, bro, I seen the shift in everybody around me and I was just like, like what is this dog Like? Again, it really felt like I died that day, like it felt like everybody turned their back on me, bro, every single body. And it's people that you least expect, bro, like my own, some of my own family, like my siblings, like my day one, like my niggas, like I ain't hear shit from them, bro, and to this day I'm still trying to understand why. You know what I mean. You know I heard something the other day. You know I can't I don't know if I can quote it verbatim, but you know it was about questioning why things happen. We know everything happens for a reason, right, and it was like man.
Speaker 1:I can't think who said that? Man? It's somebody, everybody know. I can't think of it right now, but it has something to do with being obedient and questioning God. There's two ways you can question something, right, like what am I supposed to learn from this happening to me? And the way that you don't question is like why you do this to me, or why, like, I don't want to accept it, or something like that, bro, I don't even know if I'm saying it correctly, right, but it has something to do with just being obedient. Like what am I supposed to learn from this lesson instead of just saying why did you do this to me? Why did you take my mom from me? Why did you?
Speaker 1:And at the beginning, you know, when my mom first passed away, bro, definitely I was on the disobedient side for real with myself, because I'm like God, like, why? Like, why did you do this? Like, why did you do this to me, bro? Like my mom died a week before I graduated college dog, I don't think that's like that's the worst shit ever to me, bro. And my mom supported me Like heavy dog and I was just like, a week before I graduated, like it's gotta be something Like now, at this point, it was like I'm starting to see the lessons that I'm starting to see.
Speaker 1:You know the lessons that I was supposed to learn from this experience, right, but it's still man, it's still cloudy man, it's still like I still find myself on that man. Why did why you take, why you take her away? You know what I mean. And then, when you look at it from another perspective, it's like man, my mom ain't got to suffer, no more, bro, like she did enough suffering. You know what I mean. And it's like it's okay, she at peace now, you know, and she wouldn't have left if she knew you wouldn't be okay in this lifetime. So that's now how I'm looking at it, but it's still hard, man, that's. You know.
Speaker 1:It could be cliche to say certain things, right, certain emotions about how you feel about it now, and but no, man, it's still hard, bro. Like some nights I can't sleep. You know, some nights I got her picture right by my bed, bro, I'm sleeping with that picture. You know my favorite picture of me and her man. Like I got a pillow made. I got a pillow made, I got a blanket. You know what I mean? That obituary, old pictures, whatever, man, I'm just looking at that shit like damn, this shit fucked up, bro. It's really fucked up, man, I be hurting dog. That pain, man, it's something that you just can't really explain. I'm going to say this all the time you can't explain that shit, dog. It's that deep, bro, like grief is not. It's very interesting. Like to this point, it's very interesting.
Speaker 1:Next episode I'm going to have something for y'all the different stages of grief. I don't really know what those are right now. I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm drawing a blank right now because I'm letting this shit out. But, yeah, I don't even know what stage I'm in right now. You know, that's me being transparent, like I don't even know. I don't know where I'm at right now. Like I feel a little better. You know what I mean. But like it's just, man, it's like up and down, it's like a roller coaster, bro, like you never, you never know, you just never know what to expect from it. You know, just dealing with it every day. So that's the best way I can explain it, man. But it's like man, that's the best way I can explain it, man. But it's like man, it's hard bro. I'm gonna just leave it at that. For real, bro, it's like it's super hard. Man.
Speaker 1:Looking back, I talk, I like to think about, right, you know just my emotions, you know my emotional state at the time and and how it, you know, affected my interactions With people going forward, especially like Friends and family. Right, I felt abandoned by everybody, and that's Not by Everybody, I'll take that back. I felt Abandoned by the people closest to me, cause I had a lot of support, bro, like it was Again, it was like I almost fucking, it was like I died too, like I couldn't understand why the people close to me Wasn't supporting me During this time and I still, like I'm still having trouble today With those Finding those answers right. It's coming to a point where I don't want to search for them anymore because I don't really. I think, you know, I think I've healed enough to not worry about that part.
Speaker 1:But man, like to interact with people, even my family friends, like it was hard because I was angry, like I didn't, like I didn't fuck with people for real, like especially, you know, after a while, right, me and my family didn't talk for for a little minute after my mom, dad, bro, like it was that deep. You know everybody going through these, you know going, going through this moment, and when I did talk to him it was just like, bro, like what's up? Like like you feel me, it ain't, it ain't really shit to talk about. You know, that's how I felt in that moment because I'm like I'm just going through it and I ain't really y'all did what y'all did. That's cool. You know I'm checked out from you. I ain't really got nothing for you and if you, I mean I talk to you, you know I keep it, you know I keep it cool, I play it cool. However, you want to play it, i'ma play it. That's how I was thinking, like, are you gonna be on that? All right, cool like I, I can do that too.
Speaker 1:But angry bro at a lot of people. Man, I was angry dog, I didn't have resentment Just like in an instant moment, like resentment for a lot of people, because I just, man, as family bro, you don't go against family bro, Like that's, nah, you don't do nothing. Like that man, you you gotta be there, no matter what dog family, you know family is family man. You you gotta be there for your fam dog. Unfortunately, bro, everybody is not like that man. Everybody ain't built like that man people. Then people will turn on they, you know, they their own brother, own sister, own parents. There's people in this world that's like that. You know what I mean. So I'm not going to say that's, you know, that's how it's supposed to be. I mean, even though it is, but that's not how it is. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:But yeah, man, it was and I can understand too like a lot of people, a lot of people was grieving my mom. A lot of people. I can, I can understand that too. But I'm the baby of the family, bro. Yes, it's special privileges over here, bro. I'm the baby, like the last child man. I'm the last one she got to see. You know, I'm the last one she got to raise man. She didn't raise everybody else dog, and so that's a different type of connection between me and her. That's a special, that's a special bond, bro. Everybody that's watching this you can understand too. That's like that's a special bond, man.
Speaker 1:It was hard to it was hard to deal with that, knowing that I have that connection too. But a lot of people love my mom man. Everybody lost somebody that day. You know what I mean, obviously. But, like you know, a lot of people took it hard. You know, just like me. But you know why wouldn't we dare for each other? That's my only question. Like I'd be confused about that part of it, like why we couldn't come together. Why we couldn't come together, man, why, why did it have to end like that man?
Speaker 1:And and I saw the signs leading up to my mother's death, you feel me, I saw, I saw. I saw shit happening, man. I saw the tension, you know, more tension as time went on when she was sick. A lot of shit was happening. You know what I mean. There's a lot of people angry and all of that, but I definitely I saw it coming from a mile away.
Speaker 1:Man, I'm like dog. If this, this is bad bro, it's getting bad. Bro. We divided man, we not even like my mom's on her deathbed, bro, and everybody you feel me into it. Like how selfish is that as collectively? Like how selfish is that shit, bro. Even me I was mad as hell, like mad as hell at my you feel me my brothers, sisters, aunties, whoever dog, because of the way they was playing it.
Speaker 1:But at the end of the day, bro, y'all people growing as hell, dog, I don't have to fix anything. Y'all should be the one, bro y'all done been on this earth longer than me. But again, everybody, you can't put expectations on people when it comes to things like this, because a lot of people are stuck in their ways, man, a lot of family members, everybody on this, everybody, everybody watching this bro, everybody knows somebody who hasn't changed in their life, bro, hasn't made any progress or whatever. Still the same, Still think the same. Everybody knows somebody like that, bro, we can all find somebody like that and we know personally it's just like that. So, but for it can't be too many people like that though, man, that's what I'm saying like somebody gotta, you know, somebody gotta break the cycle, man and and you know I feel like that was me at a point, but dog, trying to get everybody to come together, grown ass people like I'm talking about Grown people, bro, grown grown Nigga Got motherfuckers In they 40s and 50s, acting like you know, just acting Childish and selfish, like that's that's cool, man, at this point it's cool, but you know that shit ain't it's not right, you know, and nobody should've been Acting like that During While my mother Was on her deathbed, bro, nah, that shit, somebody, you know, we should have fixed it, you know, and that bothers me every day, you know, knowing that that's how we was playing it during that time, right, like we fucked up.
Speaker 1:Like you know, everybody ain't, nobody looking out for each other, nobody there. You know what I mean. A lot of shit happened. I ain't going to speak on, man, but just know, bro, that shit that really, you know, exposes your character. Even me, right, me not wanting to talk to people, man, that's hurting a lot of people. That's close to me, dog, regardless of what they did to me, man, that's hurting a lot of people that's close to me, dog, and regardless of what they did to me, bro, but it was so hurtful. I'm like, bro, I don't have nothing to say to you right now, like, and however long it take, it's just how long it's gonna take. You know what I mean. But that hurt a lot of people close to me, dog, especially, you know, kids.
Speaker 1:Like I got a lot of nephews man Me being in tour with my siblings, bro, like that's a conversation that you just can't have with kids, you understand. Like my nephews always wonder they a little older now, but they always wonder why I stayed away. You know what I'm saying. I ain't really come back home for real, even now they got a better understanding, right, but I can never sit there and just at right now I can't have that conversation, like because they don't, they don't know why I'm into it with my siblings, their parents, bro, so this is their parents, dog. Like people don't that's what I'm saying people don't think about stuff like that that affects the next generation of people in your family.
Speaker 1:When you, when you, um, when you got this uh cycle going right, nobody can get that shit together, right, we always into it. This is happening this, this and that, bro, you, you putting extra baggage on these kids, these babies, and now they growing up confused, bro, just like all of us. We growing up not, you know, not being aware of certain things, right? We seeing the family divided all the time, like that's not cool, bro. So it is what it is now. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:I've been healing from that, letting a lot of shit go, you know, taking it for what it is, man, accepting people for who they are, right, I know who these people have been my entire life. So why am I mad at them? Once I started thinking like that, I asked myself that question like why am I mad at these people? And they've always been like that, regardless if they my family or not, right, why am I trying to change them? They've showed me Countless times that they are this. Why do I keep thinking they can be this and that's just a part of life, right? You, you believe in people, you're optimistic about how they can change and anything. You know what I mean. That's just. That's just how it go, man.
Speaker 1:It's fucked up, bro, but once you accept it for what it is, it becomes a lot easier dealing with it. Know, dealing with the stress and, uh, you know, just holding on part of it. You know, letting it go is has been like the biggest thing for me, man, and I probably just went off into a rant, but like it's, you know, that's just how I feel about it. You know I've let it go a little bit more now, but it's still. You know it's still hard, man, it's still hard Now during this time. You know, while we're talking about relationships, right, like people who distance themselves right during this time, like my, my mother's side of the family, right, those are the ones who distance themselves right.
Speaker 1:A lot of my friends, a lot of people I hear from, hear from at all, bro, to this, to this very to this day, right here, a lot of people I fucked with man. I didn't, you know, we didn't been through whatever with bro. I ain't, I ain't heard from, and they see me, I see them, we on social media. I don't know what it is, bro, you know what I mean. It's, it's interesting dog, one of my best friends, my day one bro, my nigga. Still, I ain't hurt man, listen, I ain't heard from him, bro, and that shit hurt like a motherfucker dog. I ain't gonna lie to you, bro, because we see each other on social media, but, you know, neither one of us say anything.
Speaker 1:And I don't know, because it's like, damn, bro, like you good, like, obviously people got shit going on too. I don't know, you know what I mean, but everybody knew how much I love my mama, bro. It's my mama or my mama or die Like. Everybody knew that, though Everybody knew how I felt about that shit. They watched me hurt, though I don't know if it was too much for them. I don't know if it hurt them to see me hurt so much. You know talking about killing myself and all that shit, but I would just be thinking, like, man, why you wasn't there for me, bro, like that's anybody, though.
Speaker 1:But yeah, man, like it's like my mom's side of the family and some of my closest friends. They just distanced themselves, man, and there was people who I got closer with during this time, and those people I'm talking about my dad's side of the family. Like my dad's side of the family always fucked with me, bro. I fucked with them too, like I didn't. I was always closer to them, right, but I was around my mom's side of the family more. You feel me. It's a lot to go into that, but I ain't really fuck with my mom's side of the family like that, bro, because they didn't really accept me. You know what I mean. I'm considered like outside kid or whatever. Whatever that shit be man, you know. You know how family got secrets and shit like that. It's bullshit at the end of the day, but they didn't really fuck with me. You know what I mean and I noticed that too.
Speaker 1:I used to kind of not ask my mom, but I used to be just trying to figure out why they be acting like that to me, because it would be obvious as fuck, though. Say, all the kids In the family right, getting picked up or something. They going to Auntie house or whoever Fucking Chuck E Cheese or whatever dog, I would always get singled out, bro. That shit, this, I'm not making this shit up. I will always get singled out dog, and they will always find a reason To not take me or not include me in shit dog, and I hated that shit bro. I hated that shit, nigga my bro. That shit was not a good feeling, bro. That's why I was always closer to my you know, my pop side of the family, because it was a lot of. It was a lot going on on that side to where I didn't get to have a relationship that much growing up with them.
Speaker 1:At a certain point, when I got, I would probably say, middle school around there, a lot of things happened, bro, but they always fucked with me. They always would include me in things and even to this day they rock with me, bro, and it's a lot of them I ain't seen in years. You know, I talk to them here and there. A lot of my cousins that I ain't seen and shit. But like, yeah, man, they always they just they rocked with me. They accepted me.
Speaker 1:For me you know what I mean, it wasn't no sugar coat, it wasn't no fake shit, it wasn't none of that. But my mom saw it was the complete opposite man and my mom loved me so hard, bro, that she you feel me, she ain't fuck with nobody if they ain't fuck with me. You know what I mean and that, and that's what caused a lot of, you know, tension on my mom's side of the family, right, that's why a lot of people treated me the way that they did and it has nothing to do with me because I'm a child, bro, it's it's like again, they didn't accept my mother's decision right, how I was born, how I got here, who my father is. They didn't accept that part, right. So they took a lot of that shit out on me and you know they just gonna have to. You know they gonna have to stand on that shit for life. If I'm being honest, because I don't, I don't have interest in going somewhere. I'm not accepted anymore.
Speaker 1:I used to do that shit all the time. I used to try to, you know, be around a lot of my family on that side and all it is my cousins and whoever right, used to try to, you know, just be good, a good person, but that shit it never really worked out. They still act the same even to this day. Day, yeah, man, so it's. It's funny now because, like ever since I started this podcast, right now, people want to fuck with me because they understand how I feel, right. But why now, bro, I've been expressing, excuse me, I've been expressing how I feel for the longest dog since a kid.
Speaker 1:Y'all know how y'all used to treat me, bro, and now everybody, you know, trying to check on me right like nah, that ain't, that ain't how that work. I'm sorry, that ain't how it work, bro, y'all treating me like an outside kid, in which I I'm sorry. That ain't how it work, bro, y'all treating me like an outside kid, which I shit I was A lot of secrets that y'all got. You know what I mean. But you ain't have to treat me like that, bro. I ain't do shit to nobody, bro. I'm a kid, bro. You can't.
Speaker 1:You know that's another conversation in itself, man, but that shit was, you know, it was interesting to know. You know what I mean. Like it was interesting to know that, now that people see me talking about it, you know, it's like some type of interest there. Like, bro, I'm grown as hell now, like I ain't really, I ain't really got much. You know, I ain't got much for you, but you know, I wish you the best and all of that shit.
Speaker 1:But yeah, man, it was a lot of things, bro, like a lot of things that affected me, you know, just when it came to just relationships in general, bro, like you know, certain moments being home from my mom's funeral, bro, and being alone, that put a real, real dark cloud over me, dog, because I'm like I'm, you know, I'm home, right, right, and everybody that's that I at least expect Showing up for me. They fucking with me. Right, I'm getting love from everybody, bro. I'm talking, you know, old friends, people I grew up with, went to school. Some of my old teachers, you know, reached out. You know, a couple people pulled up on me. Some people took me to lunch and all of that shit. Right, just support out. You know A lot of support man, but Just support out. You know a lot of support man.
Speaker 1:But the people that I love, that's close, close to me, dog, they were. I didn't hear from none of them. Dog, they did not show up. We didn't show up for each other and that's. You know, that's fucked up. That's an interesting thing, bro. That's why we're trying to tell people man, you don't understand what people go through and what they own personal life and shit that they deal with. Everybody's dynamic is different, bro, when they come to family, dog.
Speaker 1:So, and I've always had to explain that to people, man, on, people be so confused, like man, why you don't? I'll be telling I used to tell people I don't really fuck with my family like that. Some of them they're like what, what you mean? How did that show? Family, that's cool, I understand that, but family is just a title. To me at this point, family is Just because they blood. That don't mean nothing. Your own family can set you up. Your own family can kill you up. Your own family can kill you. Your own family cannot fuck with you. They'll go against the grain, bro. They'll go side with some other people. You feel me. Before they go support people, before they support you, Like, that don't mean shit, bro.
Speaker 1:People be envious, dog. It's a lot of jealous people out here, for a lot of reasons, man, and now that I'm grown and I'm doing my own thing, that shit ain't got worse. Nah, you feel me, but I'm going to make y'all feel it. Nah, because I'm grown, I can speak for myself. Couldn't really speak. My Speak, my opinion, voice, my opinion. As a kid I saw all the bullshit people was doing. But that's disrespectful. You know what I mean. I probably would have got my ass whooped or something you know, by anybody. You know what I mean. But like it's just.
Speaker 1:It's just the principle of things, bro. Like you know, it's interesting how people do you or act in general. It only got to be you. Just how they do people, how they are, and then expect people to want to. You know, even just converse with them on a on any level, or do anything with them like nah, I don't really, I ain't got no respect for you, nothing like that. So we ain't even about to, we about to do the fake shit. So that's what I'll be.
Speaker 1:I'll be telling people nowadays I'll talk to certain family members. They'd be like such and such, asked about you Shit, all right, why they ain't calling you? I ain't calling them. Like no, if you so concerned about me, pick up the phone. I'm not saying that I ain't going to answer, but if you so concerned, you want to talk to me now, all of a sudden, shit, pick that phone up, bro. It's that simple. I'm not going out of my way to call nobody, and I know that can be a pride thing, that could be an ego thing, but I'm not about to be trying to be, you know, trying to be accepted by people or whatever. That don't accept me anyway. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like you, don't forget shit you went through as a kid. That's trauma, bro. That's childhood trauma, regardless of whoever, regardless of how anybody wants to label it, bro, that's trauma. That shit makes. It affects you as an adult, right, certain things that you just can't do or the way you act. It affects you, bro.
Speaker 1:So people need to just understand that shit, bro, like, and it was just one, it was just one moment, right. I mean going to just help you all understand, dog, what I mean when I say these relationships, bro, personal, family, friends, dog, it be crazy, right? So, look, I talked about this before I went to school. I went to grad school right after my mom died A few weeks. I went to Kentucky State, shout out to Kentucky State, bro Moved to Kentucky, right. And I went to Kentucky State, shout out to Kentucky State, bro moved to Kentucky, right. And I told y'all at this time I'm not talking to my family, none of that. We going through our differences and all of that. You know all that shit, right? Ain't nobody fucking with each other. We divided.
Speaker 1:So you know only people I was really talking to was my nephews. Let me say that my nephews, man, I love them to death, bro, I'll do anything for them, bro, and they really fuck with me. They look up to me. You know, they care about me a lot, bro. That's just, that's unconditional, right there. You know what I mean, like. So I'm at school, man, it's probably I'm like a month into school, it's around February. Nah, it's about the end of January, man. Nah, I'm having a hard time right now, probably like middle January or something like that, right after break, I forgot when we go back from winter break. Y'all know what I'm talking about. I'm talking to my nephew man Because, like I said, they always tapping in, but my nephew Mikey, he really, he really was calling me and making sure I was straight and I was trying my best to, you know, put on a facade, whatever to make, to let him know I'm cool.
Speaker 1:But I, you know I wasn't cool and that's all right. But I remember calling him. Mind you, everybody knew where I was going to school at, they knew what I was doing, all that shit. They knew, they knew everything. I call him. I'm just having a, you know, casual conversation. We're making sure he good, he checking on me man, he 18 at the time. So no, he was 17,. My bad, he was 17 at the time, so he a little older. You feel me like he wise now.
Speaker 1:So I'm just talking to him and I'm just like shit, I'm like you know where your mom at, that's my sister. I'm like where your mom at she. He was like, oh she, she not here right now. She out of town. She wrote, okay, cool, that's cool, uh, where she, where she go to and all of that, right, like I felt them like being hesitant to answer and I'm like you know what's that about? She was like, um, yeah, she wrote her friend to take her daughter back to school, right, I said, okay, that's cool, yeah, all right. Well, you know, I ain't really think much of it. I'm like, okay, where's she, uh, with a daughter? I was just keeping a conversation Where'd her daughter go to school at? She go to University of Kentucky. I'm like what I'm like she go to? You said UK, like University of Kentucky, Like Lexington, kentucky. He's like, yeah, she out there right now. I go to school 30 minutes from Lexington, bro, 30 minutes from University of Kentucky.
Speaker 1:Now, I was trying to repair me and my sister's relationship a lot more than anybody else's when my mom died and she just wasn't really she wasn't trying to have it, bro, you know what I mean. Like that older sibling, she got a lot of resentment From my mother. That's another story, right, my mom was a young parent when she had her. It's another story. I ain't gonna get into that, but it is what it is. So he say she out there right now. I'm like. I'm like, okay, that's, that's cool, you know.
Speaker 1:And then we got the phone and I'm thinking to myself like dog, what? Like she, 30 minutes from me, bro, like like I'm your little bro, you feel me, I'm your little bro. You ain't tapped in or nothing. You see, I'm trying to hit you up. You ain't tapping or nothing, bro, but you got, but you willing to go help somebody who ain't family, right, go take their daughter back to school with your little bro 30 minutes away. You couldn't even pull up or nothing. You couldn't call and, mind you, I ain't talked to my sister that entire year, 2022, nothing, we ain't talked to each other at all. So that's what I'm saying, bro.
Speaker 1:Like that shit. Right, there is certain shit you can never make me forget, bro. Like that's some selfish shit. And at the time, bro, around this time, bro, my coach saved me. Nigga, I was about to commit suicide again, bro, when I was in Kentucky. Dog, see, that's what I'm saying, bro.
Speaker 1:Like that shit, going through this shit while you alone, bro, I don't wish that on nobody bro. That's why I say, bro, make sure y'all support people, man, make sure you there for your people, your friends, whoever it is dog, I don't care about none of that. So that shit fucked me up, bro, real bad bro. It fucked me up, bro. I'm telling you I was fucked up over that dog. I'm like damn, she right, she literally is near me.
Speaker 1:Mind you, my sister drove from Detroit so you can drive all the way with your friend and I don't give a fuck who watching this shit. Y'all can go, send it to whoever. Yeah, like you can go. I'm hurt, bro. I know y'all can see this shit. I'm still hurt by this, bro. I ain't even talked about this really at all to nobody. So, yes, it does still hurt me, bro, and I'll be transparent and say that I'm still hurt by this shit. But you, you got you can go drive From Detroit to Kentucky With your friend.
Speaker 1:But we just lost our mind. We already divided. But you can't even you can't tap in, you can't drive you 30 minutes away from me At this time For a few days and you ain't. You knew where I was going to school at, you know? I mean, is that too much to ask of a person? Let me know if I'm tripping, but I ain't really think that for you to be my big sister, I ain't think that was too much of a problem. You know what I mean. But never heard from her. You know what again. You know I'm saying I'm I ain't hear from her that whole year and that shit, man, that's some fucked up.
Speaker 1:That was a fucked up feeling to know that, bro, just to know, like we that much divided bro, it ain't all this shit, ain't. It ain't that serious dog. And most of y'all, y'all the ones with the problems, I ain't got no problems with y'all like that. I still love everybody to death dog, still miss them, I still you feel me, I still think about them, bro, and if I, you know, if that's what God wants For us to repair these relationships, I'm with it, but I'm prepared to let it go Forever. You know what I mean. So that, yeah, that shit still hurt. That shit still hurt man, and that's that's something that's Really let me know how people are. You can't change people, bro. You gotta really let me know how people are. You can't change people, bro. You really have to let people be who they are. And I'm going to leave that shit at that, bro.
Speaker 1:Now one thing I will say is I can understand that again, everyone is grieving my mother, bro, like we all lost our mom, like all my siblings. I can understand that, right, you know what I mean. I can understand that. But we all got to be there for each other too. That was the biggest thing that I was expressing to people. Dog and people be stuck in their ways. That's why I don't be having much to say nowadays, because that was my biggest thing. Like, bro, we need to be here for each other. Bro, we are family, we literally brother and sisters and all of that. Like we done been in the house 10 deep with each other, bro. Like we done been in the projects 10 deep in a two-bedroom, bro, and now we can't come together when mama gone why, you know what I mean. Like, why, like? Why is that? You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:It's no excuse you can make for that, bro, and that's the only thing. It was just the effort, man. It was the effort and it's only so much, you know, one person can do, man. You can't make people, you know, can't make people be cordial. You can't make people come together during a time like that, man. Either they are. They're willing or they're not. It's just simple as that, bro. And that shit is like. It was like pulling teeth with everybody, man.
Speaker 1:The effort just wasn't there, bro, and that shit, you know, that shit bothered me, man, shout out to my brother Kev he was battling addiction at the time too, bro and for him to put the effort in. He was the only one bro constantly trying to make shit cool, regardless of how the delivery was right. He was the only one calling me and that was a time I ain't talked to him for a long time because I couldn't answer, bro, I couldn't fathom the shit that was going on. But I will say he was the only one, bro, and that's why, to this day, I got him with anything nigga, if anything, everybody else, I can't say that, for I ain't going to let nothing bad happen to nobody, nothing like that.
Speaker 1:You know, if it was like really life or death, yeah, but just you know. You know, kev, you feel me, kev, you watching this, I got you forever, bro. Like I promise you that, like I'll never give up on you Because you ain't give up on me. Like you tried. You know, going through what you was going through and everybody else got all these excuses and all of that. You feel me? That really showed me who you know, who took after my mother's love, because my mother was the backbone of everything, made sure everybody was straight, even when people was grown as hell right. Making sure everybody was straight, even when people was grown as hell right, making sure everybody was straight. That's who she was.
Speaker 1:That shit didn't rub off on a lot of people, yeah, so it rubbed off on me, you know me and my brother, though, but yeah, that you know that's what it is. So I have, you know, I just I accept it now for what it is, but you know that's what it is. So you know I accept it now for what it is. But, man, that was just an interesting time, bro. It was, yeah, like I said before, man, it was a lot of people who were supportive and that came from people that you know that I wasn't the closest with right and I was looking for that family love, that support, and it wasn't there, man. That's why it's hard for me now to navigate and build new relationships, because psychologically, that fucked me up, right?
Speaker 1:My mom died, all of our, you know the whole family divided, but people it was even strangers, bro, who supported me more than my family. Right, because I talk about on social media, whatever I'm going through it People I barely knew, people I didn't know at all, you know, would do things for me and it'd be just the kindest gestures, right, just anything to support. And I look at that now and I'm just like how, like how, how did how did that happen? How did how were, how did God place people that I really wasn't close with or didn't really know at all into my life during a time like that and he removed the family, the closest people to me? I'll be fucked up about that all the time, man, because it it hurts me to the point where I couldn't even accept a lot of the things people were trying to do for me at the time, because I'm missing my family.
Speaker 1:I want my family here. You know what I'm saying. I want my cousin, my brothers, whoever. I want them. I want us to be all right, you feel me? We got. This is a hard time. This is a really rough time.
Speaker 1:So you know, that took me for a loop for a long. You know, it took me for a loop, man, just for a long time, bro, and I was yeah, man, it was still to this day. It's hard for me to make friendships and just maintaining relationships that I do have. You know what I mean I'm angry. I'm still. I was angry for a long time. So, you know, sometimes I wouldn't even talk to people. I go ghost man, I go MIA. You feel me. People still see me, they see me doing things. You know I play pro ball and all of that shit. You know they see me going through this shit but I ain't really talking to nobody. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:So it was, it was hard trying to, you know, navigate just relationships right. I felt like I couldn't get close to nobody. I ain't had nobody to vent to. Man. It was times where I needed to talk and if I did, you know, have certain people in my life at that time, you know it wasn't really. It felt like I was a burden to a lot of people, trying to vent during this time and people, like I say, people go through their own things or whatever, and I can understand that. I ain't never knocking that at all from people, but it was a lot of people was forcing me to talk and I'm just like man, it ain't really much there, bro. Like you know, you got to stop pressing the issue. It ain't much much there, bro. Like you know you gotta stop pressing the issue. It ain't much I can give you from that. So that's. You know, that's really what that was, man. It was just super hard to. Even now it's still a little hard to navigate and just maintain certain relationships, bro, like it's and like my social life. Social life is kind of the same, it's the same.
Speaker 1:I ain't gonna lie to you, like I'm, I've always been a homebody, you know real laid-back dude, isolation. I like being by myself, bro. I just like being, you know being myself man. So I ain't that ain't really changed much, but it's gotten. I think it increased.
Speaker 1:Like now, I really don't want to be Around people Like you gotta force me. You just pulling teeth To try to get me To like I don't do the clubs and no shit like that. I don't really do Social gatherings like that. Anyway, you feel me that's not, that's just not fun to me. I don't. I don't fuck with that shit.
Speaker 1:I I went to parties in college, but even then niggas will tell you like I'll be at a party for like 10 minutes. Next thing you know I'm gone. You ain't even see me. I'm going back to my room, probably with a little nothing. I ain't going to get in that, but you feel me, probably dip off with somebody or something. But yeah, bro, I ain't never been Like I'm social if I like I know you. No, I ain't never been Like I'm social if I Like I know you. You feel me. It's a group of us Like you feel me I'm, I'm cooled in, I climb, I'm a clown. You feel me. When you know me, when I'm around A bunch of people that know who I am, you feel me. But a lot of people they see me and they See that I'm not. I'm reserved Right, reserved right. I don't talk much and they people think I don't talk to this day a lot of people.
Speaker 1:Y'all check out that last episode. My boy Sherman, I went to school with him. In the episode he was like nigga, I didn't think you talked at all before. I really, you feel me talked to you more after college. I was like, yeah, I know shit, everybody think the same thing. You know what I mean. But nah, man, I'm social, bro, it's just if I don't know you, bro, it's going to be hard for me to even kick it with you. You know what I mean. Like, I don't do none of that fake, that fake stuff. I don't. If I don't, if I don't know you, bro, I ain't talking to you, bro, like, and that that could be a good thing or a bad thing, right, like, obviously, you know what I've done now, right, being in corporate, you know, doing certain things as an entrepreneur, right, I have to. I'm not saying I'm not a sociable person, I choose not to be social, like, I don't, I don't really care to talk that much.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, I'm how grief affected, like my romantic relationships. First, I want to say you, dealing with anybody man, your partner, your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, whoever man, if they lost somebody man, especially a parent, bro, your patience gonna have to be Through the roof dog. And if you really fuck with that person, you really love them. Man, it shouldn't. It's gonna be hard, bro. I'm telling you A lot of people ain't ready for that man, and I unfortunately had the experience of dealing with people, two people actually. You know who wasn't ready for nothing like that, and I don't even at this point. Yeah, it was shady, whatever, how it happened, whatever, but I think I let it go a little bit. It does still hurt, just keep that in mind. It does still hurt. But yeah, man, I'll tell y'all a story.
Speaker 1:I was dealing with a girl right when my mom died and when she passed away, bro, this person showed up for me right In those early stages. She did a lot for me. I ain't gonna lie to you, she was just there. You know what I mean. She was present during this time, man. It was a couple days where I was just in bed, man, and before she, because she wasn't living where I was just in bed, man, and before she, because she wasn't living where I was at the time. She was in a few hours away from me. Right, she drove down there. That's love. She pulled up and I was going through it, bro, I wasn't showering or nothing. She, you know what I mean. I ain't had food or no shit like that for a few days. And you know, she came there.
Speaker 1:She got me together, bro, she, I ain't gonna lie she pulled me up out of a dark hole a little bit in those early stages and I forever appreciate that. She know that to this day we don't talk, no more. But she know that, right, she got me up, told me you know she was very gentle, very kind I'm like, damn, I ain't really understand it. I'm like, man, I appreciate this so much, even though I ain't had much To give to her. I didn't have nothing To give to her, i'ma just say that Got me up, make sure I Got in the shower, and all that Took me. You know. She pulled up Right before my graduation Too, man. She made sure I, you know, went to the mall so I can get me something to, you know, a few little things to wear before graduation and stuff like that. Man, she was there for me for a few days. You know what I'm saying. She had to go home and it was good, man, it wasn't. She was understanding, at least I thought. I mean she probably was in this moment, those early moments, but she was understanding for sure. I won't take that away from her. But, boy, that shit changed so quickly, man.
Speaker 1:A few weeks go by, man, she you know what I mean she kind of forcing me to talk, forcing me to talk like, pressing the issue, like to talk to her, not even about how I'm feeling. She just wanted me to sit on FaceTime and do all of this stuff. And I'm like, man, listen, I ain't really got it, baby, I ain't like, I don't have it, bro, I can't do this right now. You know what I mean. I'm saying like no, I just don't want to talk. And I was saying it just like that. I was telling her like man, I'm going through, Like I want to go cry, like I want to go ball up and cry, I want to get the fuck on somewhere. You know what I mean. And she couldn't really understand that. So time, go on.
Speaker 1:She, these few weeks going by, you know, around a month, she's still pressing the issue. Man, and I never forget this. Last time I was talking to her, she was like Can you please talk to me? I'm like man, I don't what you want me to talk about. She's, I don't know, I just want you to talk to me, I just want you to be on the phone with me. I was like, all right, I'll be on the phone, but I ain't really got much to say. You know what I mean. You know I I ended up falling asleep, right, and you know my phone died or whatever.
Speaker 1:I probably hung up. She hung up. I don't know I wake up the next morning to hit her up. You know what I mean Because you know I was close to her at the time. You know what I mean. I want her to know I was very appreciative of everything right and I constantly showed her and told her like man, I appreciate it. I just ain't got shit right now.
Speaker 1:I tried to text her. The message ain't delivered. I ain't really pay attention that much, but as the day went by I'm like damn, she ain't hit me up or whatever. So I go back and look at the message. It still ain't delivered. So I'm like damn, what the fuck? I try calling.
Speaker 1:You know, when you block, bro, somebody, it ring like one time it didn't go straight to voicemail. So I went on Instagram. She blocked me on every, every social media platform with. She went cold turkey on a nigga bro. I promise you that was, that was the most eye-opening shit ever to me because she was there for me and then to this day I don't have closure from that because I don't really know how she feel, and you know what I mean. I don't know why she did that, but she went cold turkey Like I ain't, she just dropped me like a bad habit for real and I'm like what the fuck is this about, bro? And obviously I'm going through all of this shit with everybody you know, family and everything. I didn't really want to talk to nobody.
Speaker 1:So the person I did have some type of you know connection with at the time man Gone now, you feel me, blocked me on everything, dog, and I couldn't get in touch with her you feel me. I had her mama number and shout out to her mama. She supported me too, but I was so fed up I'm like fuck it, bro, you can go ahead, man, go ahead and buy your business, man. But that was really hurtful, bro, that was hurtful. I still be thinking about that shit like damn. She really was there and then just left quick, man. I don't know if that was too much for her, but to this day, though, I still appreciate what she did for me during that time, because a lot of people weren't there for me, man, and I appreciate those who were there for me.
Speaker 1:And yeah, bro, that's you know relationships. Man, if you got somebody who's grieving, just be there. I promise you that'll be enough. Just be there and don't try to talk too much about what you feel, how they should do this and that and they should talk. They'll talk when they ready, man, they'll talk when they ready. So remember that, man, and just be supportive man, be a speak kind to them, bro, because they people are already.
Speaker 1:You know a lot of people said a lot of hurtful shit to me during this time. We ain't going to talk about that cause, hey, I'm still here. You know what I mean. Like I'm still here and I ain't gonna act like it didn't hurt, but you know I got over it. You know what I mean. So, yeah, man, just anybody bro, anybody close to you, you ain't gotta be your boyfriend, girlfriend, none of that shit.
Speaker 1:Like your peoples, man, if they going through that shit, dog, try to be there in any way you can. Sometimes that's just sitting there with them, sometimes that's just checking on you, fam, checking on you bro, hey, sending you strength, like, just do the smallest thing, dog, don't try to fix it, don't try to be a fixer, because you can't fix it. You know what I mean. Just be there, you know, and that'll mean more than anything that you can try to do, which you know you can't do. You know what I mean. Don't be going, like I said, don't be trying to fix that problem because you don't run into some issues with that, and that's what I feel like my situation was. That person thought that they could fix it, but you couldn't fix it. That damage is like permanent bro.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, man, just be careful. Man, make sure you got people around you that love you and that really fuck with you and really support you. When you're going through something like grief, man, especially losing a parent you know what I mean and just watch out. Make sure you keep around you too, because a lot of people will drain you during this time. A lot of people will say some real mean shit to you. You know what I mean, like throw shit in your face and all of that stuff. Just make sure you got some people around you that's genuine and really want to see you, you know, climb out of this hole when you're suffering from loss. So that's my advice to y'all.
Speaker 1:Man, I appreciate y'all tapping in, bro. We done. Episode four is done. Man, I'm going to be back soon, bro. Got some special guests coming on soon. Got some big things in place, man. I ain't going to say too much about it bro. But yeah, man, it's just talk with Tay. Man, I appreciate't going to say too much about it, bro. But yeah, man, it's just talk with Tay. Man, I appreciate y'all tapping Until next time, man.
