Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
Real women - slightly unhinged - get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business, relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful, and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
#31 - You’ve Just Lost Your Shit - Now What?
The first episode in a new series we’re calling you’ve just… now what? Where we break down every day occurrences and how we’d handle them in real time.
Losing your nana as a parent is common, but how we navigate these moments can define our relationships with our children. In this episode, we discuss triggers, emotional regulation, the importance of ownership, and co-regulation techniques to repair and strengthen these connections.
• Discussing the inevitability of losing control
• Exploring personal triggers and reflecting on past experiences
• Strategies for emotional regulation and calmness
• Importance of taking ownership for our reactions
• Co-regulation techniques for reconnecting with children
• Encouraging conversations about feelings and accountability
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Expression of interest
Welcome to Unhinged and Unfiltered. Who Gave them a Mic? We're your hosts, steph and Lorinda.
Speaker 2:Warning getting triggered is not only accepted but encouraged here. This podcast will dive deep into conversations that make you really think about life. No top level BS here.
Speaker 3:Where real women get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Speaker 2:Tune in for unfiltered conversations, practical tips and tools that actually work and are easily applied, and a whole lot of laughs as we navigate the ups and downs of being a woman together.
Speaker 1:Hello, hello and welcome to another episode and today is actually going to be the first episode of many in regards to this, because we had a big chat prior and Steph and I love preventative measures. This is why we're in personal development. We love understanding our triggers, we love being cool, calm and collect with our kids and our partner and life. But we were talking about, like, what fucking happens if you actually lose your shit, like it's the shame, it's the guilt, it's all of that cycle that comes around. You're like well, I've been doing all of this fucking work, I've been listening to the podcast, the self-help, the coaching and I still managed to lose my shit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think, like obviously, this is something that's one of my my, the main things that I speak about on my pages, like it's probably the main thing that people come to me for it's what I'm well known for is like, why can't I stop yelling at my children, right and Rin and I are kind of at the point where, for the most part, for the most part, I just want you to really listen to me when I say that part. I just want you to really listen to me when I say that we can be observers in our reactions and like what's going on and we can. We notice our signs a lot earlier than what we used to. But sometimes and this goes for everybody, and whether you are listening to all of the things and you're doing all the self-help and all of the things, or you haven't even started that journey, sometimes you can know everything there is to know. You can have a hundred tools at your disposal, you can know all of the breathing techniques, and sometimes your kid is going to press on a button that is so big that you cannot observe. It is like a freight train and your brain is like that threat needs to be smacked the hell down, and this is what we wanted to talk about. So obviously we're again.
Speaker 2:We're at a stage where we don't really do this often, especially like obviously Logan's six now, yeah, um, and your teenagers are teenagers.
Speaker 2:So it's a little bit more possible to pull yourself back in that situation because it's like, obviously, as I get older, you can say things like mum just needs a sec, because I'm feeling pissed off right now and I just need a moment away, I need to go and breathe, I need to just go walk around my block a little bit Like I just need a second.
Speaker 2:But when they're really little and I find this with my three-year-old is probably the worst and also my five-year-old he knows how to push a button and, my God, does he do it well when sometimes they will just keep pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing. And maybe you're busy, maybe there's other things going on, maybe you're in a rush, maybe there's just stuff happening in your life and you're just not quite as tolerant as normal and you don't realize until it's too late and before you know it, you're like you can feel it building and it's like I know that I'm about to lose it and I can't stop it like I can't. So this little series is gonna be basically you've just done this, now what so? What do we do when we have lost our shit at our kids?
Speaker 1:what do we do? Oh my goodness, what do we do? Yeah, I think it's like the biggest thing that I've learned in parenting is that you're actually allowed to be in the wrong and you're allowed to say sorry and you're allowed to go wow, I fucking didn't handle that well. And you're allowed to admit that. I, matt and I, were talking ages ago about how having children you kind of forget that you're growing up yourself, right? So I was like 21 when I met the girls and I'm like I was a baby, like a little baby, but I was also growing up in my 20s. So I had this thing where I'm like, okay, I'm a parent, I need to be right, I need to do the right thing.
Speaker 1:All of the time, I need to react and respond appropriately, and if I make a mistake, then I can't admit that, because I shouldn't be making a mistake, and there's been many times I've made many mistakes and I will continue to make many mistakes because, unfortunately, I don't have this crystal ball to tell me exactly what to do, and so I know there's been a few times where I have just absolutely lost my shit over the smallest fucking thing, and it's been for multiple reasons. One, I didn't have capacity. Two, not sleeping, not regulating, not doing the things. Three, my own little inner child is being fucking punched out when they say something and also like a lot of resentment of like I'm taking care of you all of the fucking time. Why can't you just be nice to me? Yes, yes, yes. Why can't you just appreciate the things that I do? Because I don't get to live the life of luxury or like.
Speaker 1:For me, my biggest trigger actually not even a good Logan like my biggest trigger with my teenagers is when they borrow my shit without asking. Or, yeah, I hate it when people touch my shit and so, like, let's go in that angle of like, okay, I do all of the washing, okay, all of it. It's very rare that, like, one of my teenagers will like fold the washing, but they did and they put my tights that I spent a good amount of money on and I just remember losing it. And Matt was like it's a pair of tights and I'm like, but they're my tights I don't want to share. I share every other part of my life and I'm just reacting and just my face went red. I couldn't breathe properly, I was just like.
Speaker 2:It was almost like my stepdaughter had become my little sister, because I have little sisters and I'm like yeah, and this is like I think that that's really important because it's not about the fact like you, when that happened, you were not 20-something-year-old Lorinda, who's a mother. You went back to, you know 10-year-old Lorinda, whose little sisters were constantly stealing your shit and your mother never did anything about it or whatever where they stole it and broke your favourite Barbie or whatever when you were 10 years old. It wasn't about the tides. It was like it was about the fact that your barbie got broken and then, like your snow globe got broken and then, like she took scissors to your favorite shirt because you pissed her off, like it's all of that right and it's yeah.
Speaker 1:That's such an important point to make here is that when you're reacting like that, it's never about what's actually happened no, and I just remember like feeling stupid because I actually was a really good fucking sharer as a child, right, because I'm the eldest.
Speaker 1:So there's five years difference between my sisters and I, so they're twins. So the other thing is they always had each other. It was always like this fucking tag team and I was like the lone wolf, even though I'm the eldest one. I was like this lone wolf and I and I was like the lone wolf, even though I'm the eldest one. I was like this lone wolf and I've just been like I just want something that's mine. And the thing is like, because my sisters grew taller than I was like so I'm the shortest and so they were able to borrow my clothes and my shoes and they're able to borrow all of those things. And now my stepdaughters are also the same size as me and can borrow all of those things and I'm like I give so much to everyone around me. I just want something for myself and I work really hard in my business to make money to buy these nice things and they still get fucking taken.
Speaker 1:And I remember reacting and being like you're being an idiot. Like once I calmed down I was like, wow, it's really not that big a deal. It's a fucking pair of ties. And you, it's really not that big a deal, it's a fucking pair of tights. And you know what's really funny about this? It wasn't even my favorite tights. It was tights where I'm like I'm going to have to throw them in the bin soon. But I'm like it was just the fact that that was mine. No one asked and I had to share.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yep. In a similar vein, I think one of my biggest triggers is when I tell the kids that we need to do something like so, for example, if they need to go to the creche so that I can go to Pilates, and they whinge at me. Or like, if we have to go to the shops when hubby's away, because normally he does that when he's here. He goes to the shops in the afternoon and I don't have to do that, but when he's not here, I obviously have to pick up a lot of slack in that regard, and especially my eldest will go oh, that's not fair. I don't want to do that and I'm like I don't fucking want to do it either. Like or I deserve an hour to myself Like, fuck me, oh, we always have to do things we don't want to do.
Speaker 2:I'm like you guys get to do whatever you want to do all day. Yeah, like I've been scrubbing the pantry floor while you guys have been like watching tv or whatever, and I'm just like nobody's doing this crap. I don't feel like doing this either. I don't want to make you lunch. I don't feel like making lunch. I'm just gonna like grab something out of the fridge, but you're harassing me for lunch and then snacks two seconds later and I'm like I just fed you and I think it's like yeah, it's a similar where it's like why do I have to do all of this? Like I don't, I just want to, I just want to sit and like then, when I do sit down, I'll sit down for like two minutes after being on my feet all morning and it's mom, can you get this? And I'm like yeah, and it's you know, yeah, those sorts of things, okay.
Speaker 2:So here is like a literal step-by-step for what I do. And then Renalda, yeah, so when I've lost my shit at my children, the first thing that I do is I will go away and regulate. So I never, ever repair on the spot If I've like this doesn't happen with my boys. But if I've lost my shit enough on my three-year-old and she's upset, then I'll like give her a cuddle and calm her down and then I will walk away once she's calm and I will regulate. In saying that with my three-year-old, she doesn't really give a shit when I repair. If I just like kind of say I'm sorry in the moment she's like, yeah, okay, mom, whatever, like come play barbies now, and I'm like, good, um, but if it's with the boys, I will say to them I need to walk away. I'm going to come back to this conversation. So I'll say I'm like I'm, I'm really angry right now. I'm going to come back to this conversation, so I'll say I'm like I'm, I'm really angry right now. I'm just going to walk away and I'll be back in a minute. So I will walk away and I'll go outside, generally like ground on the grass, just kind of like take some deep breaths, just calm myself down. If I really need to, I will like call my husband or a friend or somebody else who is trusted where I can just vent and get out why I'm pissed off.
Speaker 2:Something else I love doing. This came from a coach that we had last year. She called it trash bagging and she would put she'd literally put trash bags on herself and would walk around being like everything's so hard and I hate this. So sometimes I will just go outside and literally just whinge like a child just to the trees, like like, oh, this is so annoying and that was their fault and I'll just I'll get my victim out. Yeah, where I'm, like it's their fault that I, if they just listened, if they just did this and I wouldn't have to lose my shit all the time, and like I'll just get all of that crap out of my body, because you know we like to think all of that.
Speaker 2:You know, at the end of the day and this is something that you follow me, you'll know that I say a lot is that if you've lost your shit at your kids, it's not them, it's you, because you can't regulate your emotions. You are still allowed to feel those feelings, though that is okay. So I get all of that out of my body because it's not helpful in that conversation. Then I will go back in once I'm feeling ready and I will take them generally to their room or somewhere like that where hopefully we're not going to get disrupted in saying that as soon as there's a closed door, my three-year-old is on that like flies on shit, um, and I will say to them guys, or like you know, whichever kid it is, I got really angry and I lost my cool and I'll say that was not okay.
Speaker 2:I never, ever and this is a really important piece I never, ever blame them for me losing it. I'll never say like I'm sorry I lost it, but if you'd just done this, then I wouldn't have to like ever. I will never, ever say that. I will say to them when you did this, it made me feel this way, but I am responsible for my emotions and what just happened was not your fault, nor was it okay.
Speaker 2:Now, like, what we also need to understand is when this is happening, your logical brain is offline. It's your reptilian brain. It is telling you that that threat is a tiger and it needs to be punched in the face and when they're like, you'll either go into fight or flight right, and with a child that's obviously a lot smaller than you, you can fight that. I could take a six-year-old and that's what your brain's doing. That is literally what is happening in your brain. It's like, can I take this threat? It's like, yeah, I can take that threat. Absolutely, I can. Wouldn't lose it because, honestly, I think she could scrap and I'm kind of scared that she'd pull my hair. Do I look like a hair puller? I reckon you'd fight dirty.
Speaker 1:So funny. You're like the third person this year to tell me.
Speaker 2:Oh, see, see, it's a thing, it's not just me, it's your energy. See, see, it's a thing, it's not just me, it's your energy. Um, but like, if, if it's a child and something that's a lot smaller than you and something that you obviously know really well, you will generally go into fight. So you will yell or, like some people will smack if that's their conditioning, like some people will do things like that, they'll lash out physically. So I'm a verbal kind of girly, so, yeah, I'll yell or whatever. But I'll say to them you know, I lost my, I lost control of my emotions and of my body, and sometimes that happens because it happens to them as well, and I want to let them know that it's okay.
Speaker 2:We're not all perfect, but I'll say I'm sorry for the way that I spoke to you, because that was not okay and it is not the way that we speak to people that we love, or anybody for that matter, but certainly not to the people that we love. And then they'll generally go yeah, yeah, mom, okay, whatever, can I go back to watching TV and I'm like cool, I'm just like pouring my heart out here, but whatever, but the main, the main points for me is taking ownership and showing them that when we stuff up and when we make mistakes, that we take ownership, because that is never, ever, their fault ever in my opinion because they're children and I'm an adult and I've got the fully formed prefrontal cortex and they do not okay. So in that case, I am in a position of power and it is not okay for me to do that ever. Will it happen? Yes, everybody makes mistakes, but I will take the ownership. I'll tell them exactly what happened, because I like teaching them how their brain works, because I think it's really helpful and, honestly, if I'd known this many, many years ago, it probably would have been really, really beneficial for me. But then I will, yeah, I'll apologize. I'll tell them what happened. I'll tell them how they triggered me, because I also think that that's like they need to understand that their words and their actions do affect other people as well, like they do need to take ownership of that too, and whilst it's not their job to control or manage my triggers, I still think it's important.
Speaker 2:So one of my one of mine previously was being ignored and I still hate it. It really upsets me, like when people left me, leave me on, read, I get really like I start overthinking. It's just what I do, um, probably given the silent treatment at some point as a child. I don't know, um, but I actually like lost it on one of my kids one day because he ignored me and I like lost it and I was like, wow, that was a little bit of an overreaction, um, afterwards, and I kind of realized what that trigger was and I sat them down and I said to them listen, when you ignore mummy, it makes me feel like this and I get really, really angry. So if, like, if you don't like what I'm saying, that's okay. If you're not ready to do what I'm asking you to do, that's also okay. But can you please just acknowledge me, just say like, yep, heard you, or I'll do it in a minute, or, yes, mom, or anything along those lines. Just please don't ignore me. I need to know that you heard me.
Speaker 2:And then I realized that I actually do that to them a lot, where they'll say something and I'm in the middle of doing it and they'll say it for the third time. I'm like, yeah, I know I heard you the first time. And I'm like, oh, oops, okay. But like I think it is especially for people who you have very close relationships with, it is important that they do know the things that bother you, because, obviously, whilst it's not our job to manage other people's triggers, in my opinion to have a really decent, respectful relationship, if I know something annoys you, then I'm not going to do that. Like for me that's just out of respect, where I'm like oh yeah, I know that that bothers you, so I won't do it.
Speaker 2:So I say that to them. I'm like you know how this bothers you and mummy doesn't do it because I know that it annoys you. Like my eldest will not kiss us at the moment. It's really sad. So I'm like I'm not going to overstep your boundaries if you don't want to be kissed. But you also know that ignoring me sends me into a blind rage. So just please don't ignore me and it's a work in progress. But, yeah, the ownership, the sorry that I make mistakes too and I'm still learning and I appreciate your patience with me while I'm learning. So that would be how I would handle that particular situation.
Speaker 1:So beautiful. I think I'm going to come at it from two different angles teenager and six-year-old because teenagers are, I swear, aliens from another planet sometimes and the way I deal with my teenagers is very different to the way I deal with my son, and I think that's really important, that just because it works one way now doesn't mean it's always going to work that way. And so with my, my teenagers, they tend to get the shit straight away because they like they're getting attacked and it's a very emotional time for teenagers and especially girls, with their hormones and like their cycles and stuff like that. So for me we do have to separate, um, so in that instance we separate. I regulate very similar to Steph, um, and I just take some fucking breaths or like if I've got some pent-up energy, it's just like moving my body. So like I tend to go outside, because if I sit inside I have a bit of a pity party and that kind of like for me sends me a little bit of a spiral of like, oh, I'm allowed to feel that way, blah, blah, blah, and I am allowed to feel that way, blah, blah, blah, and I am allowed to feel that way, but I definitely shouldn't be reacting that way, um, and yeah, so it's very similar. And then we just come back when there's space and, like, when my teenager is also ready. Just because I'm ready does not mean that my teenager is ready to hear what I have to say, because, um, yeah, they just shut off and they just look at you like you're the devil and it's going to make me even more annoyed. So we both have to be in a space to be able to hear that and then just go in and, yeah, just like explain the very similar to steph the ownership piece of like this is, this is how it made me feel. Um, I understand that your intention was not to hurt my feelings or to take something that was mine and not give it back. Um, I would just really appreciate next time if you just ask and I will do my best to try to explain that to you calmly, because obviously my reaction was not okay and like also checking on how they're feeling, like how they're feeling about that situation or something that I could have done differently. And it always kind of like, when I ask that question of like what could I have done differently, they always actually end up coming through of what they also could have done differently, and so it's just like mirroring back, like, yeah, just be. They're really good with taking ownership as well. Like, yeah, I did that, like I shouldn't have done that and I'm really sorry. Like, and that wasn't my intention.
Speaker 1:In the other instance, when there's big times with my middle child and I um, something that we have worked through is that we're both very emotional people and we have, like, from the moment I met my middle child, her and I have always butted heads because we are so fucking similar. So this is the best thing about having different personalities is you work through things differently and we've always butted heads and we've always tried to calm and collect. And I remember there was a like a disagreement we had. We're in the kitchen and we were kind of like back and forth, like you've done this, you've done this, like I've you know we're talking. And then I remember Matt coming in and like being like hey, like stop it, like just take a moment, and we're both like, oh, you just screwed up the flow, because what happens for us is we're like also verbal processes. I'm not a mind reader, I can't tell what's going on, and so she's done something that's annoyed me and I've explained this has annoyed me and she's like well, I didn't mean to like, and we're, in the moment, actually moving through what's annoying us as well as repairing, because our personalities are like that and because Matt's come in and he's been like why don't you guys go take a breather? And I'm like, well, I don't want to finish this later when I can just finish it now. Did you both turn on him? Yeah, we did.
Speaker 1:We were like, uh, because and the thing is like, I guess Matt, in Matt's defense, he doesn't see this because he's normally at work and we're like hang on a second. We're both more like hey, like let's just talk this through. Right, if there's obviously yelling and stuff like that, that's when we would like move away from each other. But if there's like a bit more of a heated discussion and you kind of like I understand what you're saying and there's like capacity to hear one another while also being in a bit of a heated discussion, I think that's actually really healthy for us, because then we I remember that like jarring moment of like oh shit, like how do I fix this now? Because now I'm going to go breathe and think about it and come up with more evidence why you're in the wrong and I'm not. And so it's just like very interesting to take on, like how you could process that with each child differently.
Speaker 1:Um, and that's my lovely middle child, who was very similar to me, even though we have no genetics together. Um, and then with my little dude, he is a little bit more because we were always together when matt and I were separated. It's a little bit more of that anxious attachment. So when I've lost my shit, we actually co-regulate together, because if I walk away from him he's going to get really upset. Yeah, so what I normally do is like if I've yelled and I've kind of like jarred myself and I'm like I've just raised my voice, I will actually sit like straight away. I will sit down on the floor because if I'm standing, my body is like like prepared to keep going, but I sit down and Logan will come over to me and we will do breathing together.
Speaker 1:Now, I understand, not every child is like that, but something that Logan and I have always done from the start is breathe together and I just co-regulate with him and hold him and don't say anything, because I need to know, like he needs to know, that I love him still and I need to take a moment to regulate without walking away from him. And then what I say is mummy is really sorry, mummy should not have yelled at you. I am really tired or stressed. And I will tell him I'm like these are the things that I'm feeling right now, and you didn't, I know that you didn't mean to do that and then he'll be like he will explain, like what he was meant to do. Oh, I just, I just thought I could do this, or you know, I'm just also really tired and so, in our way, at the moment, in our life stage, the best way for me to regulate through that is to co-regulate with him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I know not every child is going to be really great with that, but that's just something that's always worked with Logan, and I know not every child is going to be really great with that, but that's just something that's always worked with Logan and I, because walking away from each other just does not work yeah, see, with my, with my littlest, I don't think I I would not generally walk away from her unless she's really pissed me off, and it happens because she's the most like me as well, so she triggers me the most because, again, like we also need to remember with the child that you struggle with the most I find that they're generally the most like you and they're pressing on the most pain points where it's like I really hate this about me. And here's this little person who I love very, very much, who is like personifying that particular trait and I can't handle it, like I'm triggered as hell by you. So it's again, it's never really about their behavior, it's about you and about what it's triggering in you. But we wanted to make these episodes quite short and punchy and we could probably continue talking on this, but I think we'll leave it there.
Speaker 2:So, if this has been helpful, make sure that you let us know, drop into our dms, let us know, like, what else you want us to cover. We really want to use this series to cover things that happen really regularly for you and sort of like how to deal with everyday situations even not everyday situations, but like bigger situations where it's like I'm just not handling this very well and I'd like a little bit of help. So yeah, let us know if you enjoyed it and we will catch you next time. Thank you so much for joining us. We've absolutely loved being here with you today.
Speaker 1:And if you have enjoyed today's episode as much as we have enjoyed recording it, please leave a review or drop into our DMs. We would love to hear from you. You.