Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
Real women - slightly unhinged - get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business, relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful, and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
#34 - You've Just Been Triggered By Someone - Now What?
What if the things that trigger us online are actually pathways to deeper self-awareness and healing? Join us for a candid exploration of the emotional rollercoaster we all face in today's digital age. We unpack the importance of identifying who or what triggers us and why. Sometimes it's easier to block out the negativity from strangers, but when those comments hit close to home, they can reveal our own inner struggles. Through personal stories, we look at how the natural desire for approval can influence our reactions and why it's crucial to allow ourselves to feel and process these emotions. By understanding the roots of these feelings, we open doors to self-love and healing.
In our discussion, we challenge the norms of online engagement by emphasizing the need for respectful expression of opinions. The hidden hazards of anonymity online can lead to harsh interactions, making it essential to practice mindful communication. We share our own experiences of handling criticism and the power of choosing whether or not to engage in contentious conversations. The significance of face-to-face communication in fostering genuine connections is highlighted, reminding us to maintain personal boundaries while engaging in open dialogues.
Authenticity and self-acceptance take center stage as we reflect on sharing our lives on social media. It's easy to showcase only the highlights, but being honest about our struggles can be empowering both for us and others. We talk about the fear of judgment from loved ones and the importance of embracing our truths publicly. By confronting our triggers constructively, we encourage personal growth and self-awareness. Let's make it our mission to create a healthier online environment, and we invite you to join us on this journey by sharing your thoughts and suggesting topics for future episodes.
Reach out to us on Instagram!
Steph is here and Lurinda is here.
FREE resources:
Chaos to calm masterclass
Shadow Work Prompts
Book a call with Lurinda
Book a call with Steph
Join Lurinda's Retreat Watilist for 2025
Want to come on the show?
If you have an amazing story, or a unique perspective on a topic and are willing to be Unhinged & Unfiltered AF, we'd love to hear from you.
Expression of interest
Welcome to Unhinged and Unfiltered. Who Gave them a Mic?
Speaker 3:We're your hosts Steph and Lorinda Warning getting triggered is not only accepted but encouraged here. This podcast will dive deep into conversations that make you really think about life. No top level BS here.
Speaker 2:Where real women get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Speaker 3:Tune in for unfiltered conversations, practical tips and tools that actually work and are easily applied, and a whole lot of laughs as we navigate the ups and downs of being a woman together. Welcome back to Unhinged and Unfiltered. We have got another installment of the series You've Just Found Out Now what, and today we wanted to talk about. Well, it's not really finding out, but so somebody has just triggered you in some way, most likely online or digitally. So they've sent you a message, they have commented on a post, something like that, and you are triggered as hell. So now, what do you do Now?
Speaker 3:Lorinda and I have both had this like I've had it multiple times since I started my business, especially when I was doing sleep, where people would disagree with me, and I have got a really huge disagree with me and I have got a really huge. A big, big piece that I've been working through for a number of years now is that, like I'm too much and I'm annoying and everybody just wants to be liked. Okay, like that's, that's a survival mechanism. Okay, we want to be liked by our tribe, because if we're liked by our tribe, then we're less likely to be booted out of our tribe. And when we're booted out of our tribe, then we have to collect our own food and our own water and fight our own tigers, and that's just not really a vibe.
Speaker 3:So, wanting to be liked it's not a bad thing, okay, like a lot of people like to go ah, I love myself and I don't care what anybody else thinks of me. Big difference between I don't mind and I don't care Okay. Now, obviously, these days we are far more connected than we are supposed to be as human beings, where it's not just our close family or our tribe that we need to hear feedback from, it is anybody with with an internet connection. And when we do put a lot of our lives online and a lot of our thoughts online and I'm the first to admit that I do have very strong opinions no, no way look, that is my style.
Speaker 3:My style is more to. I want to call you forward and I do want to point out things because I can help you fix them. But it does upset people sometimes and, like you know, that's never my intention. My intention is never, ever to upset people, but it does happen. So when somebody comments on something or messages disagreeing with you, so when we're triggered by somebody, my very, very first question is who is this person to me? Because this is going to determine how I'm going to handle the situation. If it's a stranger on the internet, half the time I'll just block them because I'm just like I'm dealing with that energy, I don't care. Obviously, if it's somebody that's close to me, then that's going to be completely different, because the way that I would handle that would be very different. But let's go with the first route. So if it's somebody that means nothing to me, I will firstly kind of determine that and then the second thing I'll do is I'll go okay, cool, I'm just going to feel my feelings, I'm just going to allow myself to be angry, to be like how dare that person say that to me? To make them wrong. Because that's what we want to do when we're, you know, triggered or attacked, we want to go like you're wrong, I'm right. So I'll be like, how dare that person say that to me? And sometimes I'll get pretty petty where I'll, you know, just say really petty things that I would never, ever say back to them. But, like, I know what I'm doing, I'm working through my shit because it's like maybe I shouldn't be triggered by that, but I do, so I move through that. Then my second step would be why did that bother me so much? Like? Because, again, either it's pressing on that whole like I don't want to be disliked, or it's actually pressing on something that has an element of truth to it. Because, generally speaking, when we triggered, if somebody has said something to us that really, really, really pisses us off, a lot of the time there is some truth to it. It's pressing on a wound that we have, where we think that, yeah, maybe we are stupid, or yeah, like, maybe we are bad at doing that thing. It's pressing on a belief that you already have. So then I'll kind of go okay, cool, like, I know where this is coming from. Okay, cool, that's. That's for me, highlighting areas in which I still have work to do, areas in still in which I still need to alchemize and love a little bit more and all of the things, and I'll go okay, cool, I'm going to clock that From there. I'll then start to kind of try and regulate through it with that Like.
Speaker 3:I do like to intellectualize things after I felt the emotions where I'm like okay, cool. This is why I responded that way. This is why I felt that way. It was because of this particular incident and it wasn't actually about that particular comment, but it made me feel this way. And then, once I've kind of felt the feelings logicked and intellectualized at all, I will generally feel a lot calmer because I'm like okay, cool.
Speaker 3:Then sometimes I'll get a little bit petty again as well, it happens. Then afterwards I'll kind of decide do I want to say something? Then afterwards I'll kind of decide do I want to say something? Because sometimes I'll just leave them on read or I'll just leave the comment there, cause I'm like, if you want to boost my engagement, go nuts, that's fine. And sometimes I will actually go. You know what? That was a shitty thing to say and I'm actually going to call you out on that because it wasn't fair.
Speaker 3:And, generally speaking, if somebody is doing that. If they're messaging you, commenting on something, blah, blah, blah, texting you that you've really annoyed them a lot of the time, they are projecting their own unhealed wounds onto you. So that's oftentimes what's happening when somebody is messaging people like us. Right, because we obviously do talk about, we talk about, we talk about dark stuff, like we talk about stuff that does cause human beings pain and a lot of human beings do have a lot of pain and it sucks, it's, it's really, really crap.
Speaker 3:But I will then kind of go okay, cool, what's like?
Speaker 3:Is there maybe something deeper here that maybe I could help this person with that? Maybe I could just point out like hey, um, first off, maybe just consider the fact that you actually like again like talking from a space of when people are messaging you that you don't know like. First off, I know that a lot of people feel like they know us because they see us talking on our stories and they listen to the podcast and all like. Sometimes they've maybe been chatting in the DMs and they feel like they know us, but it's like you know what I share online and I am a person. Okay, I am a person with feelings, with wounds, I'm a mother, I'm a wife, I'm all the things that you are as well. Okay, so, like, first off, like I actually do like to point that out where I'm, like, did you actually stop and consider that this could hurt somebody's feelings when you said it, or were you just saying it from a place of you were in pain and you wanted to make me hurt as well?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think there's a huge difference from Steph and I were talking the other day of like, because we share so much online, because we are like our business is essentially online, like Instagram, tiktok, like Facebook podcast, like we, you see our faces a lot. We want that for you, but we share things from a certain perspective, in real time. We sometimes share things but we've already processed things and like when, when you message us and or message anyone online, they may have already started to process or in the processing thing and then you've just re-triggered them, which can be really hurtful. And, yes, for us especially, we're like, very authentic, like what you see with us is what you get. But remembering that we've had to do a lot of work to be here and we still continue to do the work, just because we have moved through a lot of hard things doesn't mean that that one little thing is not going to hurt my feelings and also like just because you can doesn't mean you should, I feel like.
Speaker 1:That's a quote that I will like tattoo on my body.
Speaker 3:I know I feel like it's a good, it's a good tattoo to have. Like always think, like, if you are planning on messaging someone or leaving a comment, firstly, is it kind and is it necessary? Like if you're giving actual feedback, where you can say to someone like, hey, I've just noticed, xyz. I'm just wondering if you've noticed that that's very different to messaging them and being like this post was fucked and you are so wrong for that. Or I hated the way that you spoke about this. Or like you did X Y Z and you said X Y Z and I like wanted to punch you for it. That's literally been said to me Like that is a very like. When you're saying things like that, you're coming from a place of pain, something like you're triggered, so please put your phone down. Put your phone down and go for a wander.
Speaker 1:The other thing is you're allowed to have opinions and I think if something that I've been doing in my life as well is just like asking the person if it's okay to share, absolutely yeah, because, like, we're both very opinionated women and we attract very opinionated women and that's actually okay, and it's okay to have opinions and different perspectives, and I'm kind of like, well, I'm actually, really, majority of the time, super open to chatting about that perspective, but it doesn't need to like, if you're so angry at me for posting it, like, why, and do you need to have that reaction right, then Could you message me and be like hey, are you open for a perspective? Or look, your post has triggered me. I was wondering if we can chat about it, because our posts always, even though we trigger you and we call you forward, the intention is for you to come forward.
Speaker 3:Yeah yeah, absolutely, and yeah, like it is it is really important to to remember that if somebody says, you know, I don't have capacity and I actually got a message last week that really it annoyed me quite a lot and I didn't have capacity for it I did not have capacity for it. We'd lost our dog the week before I'd been solo parenting for a week, it the kids had just gone back to school. I did not have the capacity for what was said to me and it honestly, like I felt my heart going, my heart was thumping, I was triggered as hell by it. But yeah, look, the last, the last step, cause we kind of went on a bit of a segue there.
Speaker 3:Um, the last step for me me is like I would decide whether or not something needs to be said back or whether or not I just need to take that on and kind of go like yeah, okay, I'm just gonna leave you on read because I'm not dealing with that. Um, or like I'm actually not going to respond to this, like something you can say that like okay, cool, thanks, I think, um, I'm actually not going to write back to this because I I'd be coming at it from a triggered perspective and I don't want to, and I actually don't have to engage in this conversation, and this is a really important piece is that you don't actually have to say anything.
Speaker 1:So when what is that quote?
Speaker 3:silence is an answer yeah, but it's like because, because I've gone through where I've felt my feelings intellectualized, everything, then I can react respond rather than react, whereas when messages like that come through, generally it's a reaction like it's a visceral reaction so I can then go. I'm actually going to choose to not respond to that. That's my response. Is, I'm choosing to engage in this conversation because I don't actually have to and because this is something as well that I want everybody to take away and this goes for anybody online is that just because you have that thought, that does not mean that that other person needs to hear it? That is their choice, you like.
Speaker 3:We have a lot of freedom of speech nowadays, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. We have the ability to tell people how we think without actually having to go face to face with them, which I think a lot of people would probably be a lot nicer if they could to face with them, which I think a lot of people would probably be a lot nicer if they could or if they had to say it to their faces, cause I can bet you that people would not be saying the things that they are saying to us or to other people online if they were actually face to face with them. But, like, I don't actually have to hear what you like. What you think of me is none of my business. If you're one of my clients, yeah, I want to hear your thoughts. If you're one of my friends, yeah, I want to hear your thoughts. If I've upset you in some way and you can actually have a decent conversation with me about that, absolutely, absolutely. Please drop into my DMs and say, hey, I really disagreed with this. Cool, let's talk it out. I love to hear different perspectives and opinions and you might change my mind And'm open to that.
Speaker 3:Like rin and I have had plenty of disagreements like that. We were talking before about an episode and she's like I actually really don't agree with that and I was like okay, cool, like we won't talk about it, then I'll talk about it in a different platform. Um, and yeah, like she kind of offered her perspective, I offered mine and we were like, yeah, we just disagree with, like with the angle that we should take for this and it it's like okay, cool, then we'll take an angle that we both agree with, because it's our podcast and we both want to obviously be comfortable with the content that we're putting out. But that is how I handle situations like that. Obviously, as we get bigger and more visible, that's going to happen more.
Speaker 3:But even just you know, there's always one like on your Facebook. That's just rude. Or if you do have public platforms where you're going to hear things like that, or even just scrolling social media and you put a comment on something and then somebody disagrees with you and calls you all sorts of names because you've said something, especially on those more contentious parenting topics like co-sleeping and gentle parenting and breastfeeding and all of the things.
Speaker 1:But when you're triggered, like, just please put your phone down please, yeah, and I even think, like from the angle of the person, right. So there's this there is a coach on TikTok that triggers the fuck out of me straight away. I don't know like I do know what it is and I just don't agree with his beliefs and I don't agree with his methods, and there's been many times that I wanted to just put a little comment on there, because I think that sometimes it's the coaching methods that my, my opinion, the perspective he has is can be a little dangerous. Um, and he works with couples and I'm like I just don't agree with that.
Speaker 1:As somebody who has gone through many different relationship traumas, I'm like, hmm, so instead of being a keyboard warrior and saying something, I just literally block him, because I remember I was sitting with Matt and I was actually having like a full reaction. I'm like I want to tell this motherfucker to go fuck himself. I'm like I wanted to be that fucking person, but the thing is he doesn't give a fuck, and I'm adding to his engagement yeah and I don't want to do that.
Speaker 3:So I was just like all right that's also such an important place as well, like if someone is triggering you over and over again, you literally don't have to see their stuff. You can block them. Yeah, you can I did that's it, yeah. And like, if you're being triggered by somebody and you're putting that on them, that's your fault, babe, off them.
Speaker 1:You are choosing to consume their content yeah, and for me it was just doing more, more harm and I'm like I just there's obviously something here that I really don't agree with. My beliefs are so different and what I can take away from this is I will not put my clients through that, I will not put myself through that and I will just block him so I don't have these visceral reactions Like Matt was laughing because he's like I haven't seen you this triggered in a while, and I'm like that's because that's how fucking triggered I am by this. And so, from that side, just block them. Yeah, and you get to choose.
Speaker 1:Like is this something that for me? I'm like is this something that I need to work through? Like is this something I'm being shown or is it that I just really don't believe in it? And for me it was one of those moments of like no, I actually don't believe in it. I don't agree with this, purely because I have been on the other side of that relationship trauma and I do not agree with it. So I block him because it doesn't need to be in my energy field, it doesn't need to be in my mind, it doesn't need to be anywhere.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's going against your values and that's why you're allowed to, you're allowed to not like what other people their opinions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and for me, I'm like I'd rather consume content that actually feels really good to me and gym content that actually feels really good to me, and that's just not one of them. Um, and I think I'm going to come from the angle of like uh, I actually had a message last year, and something that Steph and I worked on a lot last year with our coach was visibility. So if you do have a business and you're using Instagram and stuff like that, it can be really scary to give your opinions and we've been called forward to give our opinions and people buy from us because of who we are and our business is our brand and our brand is us, and so I'm like, fuck, I'm getting called forward to be vulnerable and to share my opinions and I had to work through a lot of visibility around this. And then I actually got a message from somebody from my hometown and I do have a lot of trauma from, like, past relationships in my hometown and I had been working a lot on that trauma and I, out of the blue, got this like message request and it was essentially this person calling me a liar and bringing up trauma that had happened 10 years prior and I just remember being like, and I remember telling my coach my worst fear would be from somebody to message me about it, because for me I know that I'm not a liar and I know my truth and my perspective. But I didn't want to have to go through it again. I didn't want somebody to bring up my pain, I didn't want someone to try and call me out for it, and that was like my worst fear.
Speaker 1:And so when I got this message, I remember I actually rang Steph and she was busy and that's totally fine. But I remember just being like I just need to put the phone, like put that away and ring somebody. And then I rang um my coach at the time, who was also my friend, and I'm like this is, this is my worst fear fucking happening right now. And we just I just talked about it, about the way I was feeling, and I actually thought that this would take weeks to get over. I was just like, oh my god, now I'm fucking triggered. Now this is going to take me forever to get through. I've just moved through through so much trauma, I've done so much therapy on this, I've done so much work on this. Like holy fuck, like I don't want to have to. I thought I would have to deal with it, but I don't want to deal with it right now. And I remember like getting off the phone and like just looking at this message and going wait a fucking second, that doesn't actually change my truth. Wait a fucking second, that doesn't actually change what happened. Wait a fucking second, that doesn't actually change my perspective, it doesn't actually matter. And I was like and you know what I always thought that I would like. How would I respond? What would I say? Blah, blah. I didn't actually respond.
Speaker 1:I went into my Instagram and I blocked people.
Speaker 1:And I went onto my private Instagram and blocked those people, because what was happening was that in my hometown, someone had seen a piece of my content and shared it, and so then there was a discussion about me, and then someone thought it was okay to message me about it, and this piece of content that they were sharing was actually from months ago, so you would actually have to go in and have a little stalky, stalk.
Speaker 1:And for me I was like wow, okay, I don't do that to anyone, I don't do that to anyone, I don't do that to them. This is a piece of trauma that I've worked through for myself and I'm like, actually, this trigger right now is showing me that I have worked through a lot and that, no matter what someone says to me, I know my truth, I know my perspective and I know that this actually is not serving me. The intention of this message was to hurt my feelings and I'm just not going to give it power. So what I did is I blocked them and I left it. It's still probably somewhere in my Instagram and I went and picked up my kids from school and I spent the afternoon with them and I'm like it actually doesn't matter. Golf clubs.
Speaker 3:Hell yes, hell yes, and that's the piece right when it's like um, sometimes we'll get messages from, yeah, other people that we know, people that we don't know, and it's always really important to go like am I actually do? I want to take this on board. Is this feedback that I want to take on board and that I want to go? Okay, cool, I was not actually aware of that. That was not my intention, but I wasn't aware of that and I'll be more cautious in the future or is it something that I'm going to look at and go, yeah, I don't give a fuck, yeah, it's not going to change anything for me. Like again, lorinda and I, I think the thing for me that bothers me the most aside from you know, the like I feel, like I want to be liked and all of the things is it's like because we are so authentic online, like we are exactly ourselves.
Speaker 3:How I speak online, how I speak in this podcast, how I speak to my clients, is exactly how I speak to my friends, how I speak to my family, probably a little bit less, how I speak to my kids, but you know, it's how I speak to my husband Actually, again, I'm way more savage with him, but it's how I speak to the people who are close to me. So when people say things like that to us, especially because our intention is always so pure, like we just want to share this work and we want you to know that you don't have to keep struggling like you are, we want to empower you, we want to let you know that this is a choice and that you can choose any single point in time that this is no longer the way that you are choosing to live your life. When we get messages like that, it really hurts our fucking feelings, because you are attacking us as people, because this is what we believe and it's not from. I mean, obviously we run businesses. So, yes, we do want to make money, but for us, our biggest goal is to make impact.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's why we spend an hour and a half to two hours every single Monday recording podcasts. You know, we don't monetize our podcast. We do it because, a we know that some people can't access our coaching and, b well, because we love the aunt, let's be honest but also because, like, we want other people to know this stuff, we want you to be able to access it yeah, I really feel like we have the intention of, as we learn, we teach yeah, and we're not perfect.
Speaker 3:God, we're not perfect. We are not perfect, and sometimes I'm definitely. I've definitely admitted in the past. Sometimes I'm guilty of showing the highlight reel where it's like if I'm really struggling with the kids, I'll talk about my relationship, because that's solid at the moment. Or if I'm really struggling with my relationship, I'll talk about how good my self-care is at the moment. And I pulled myself up for that. A few months ago I was like, oh whoops, I'm doing this, my bad. But if I notice it, I'll always call myself out on it and on it, and I will share when I'm upset, when I'm triggered, pain that I'm going through, how I'm navigating it, because I know that that is so hugely helpful to people. Yeah, most of us just don't know how to do it, so we're trying to teach you.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, yeah, look, hope this is, I think, if.
Speaker 1:But oh yeah, I think if you have a platform, the biggest fear that I see is like what about my family or my friends? And I always just come back. For me is like who am I and what is my truth? Because I have very different opinions from my family and friends and there's things that I share that sometimes my family or friends don't know straight away and it's kind of just like, well, if I'm saying it for the world, then that's my truth, and so it's like if you've got a visibility thing, it's like coming back to yourself and being like cool. Why am I scared to show the world?
Speaker 3:yeah, yeah, it's probably. Honestly, it probably does come down to you are terrified that people won't like you and you probably don't accept yourself just yet. And, honestly, if that is you, that is you and probably 100% of the population, my friend, even the people who sit there and say like I love myself so much. They're probably the people that hate themselves the most. But that's what this work does. We are definitely getting to the point, and we are so far from the finish line I don't even think one exists, but we are definitely getting to the point where we certainly accept ourselves the way that we are. Maybe we don't necessarily love all of our parts as well as what we could, but we're working on it. And when you come from that space and when you do learn to love yourself and accept yourself, this is how we change the world, because then we're not walking around.
Speaker 3:I can scroll past pieces of content that I simply do not agree with and go, oh, I don't agree with that. Instead of you know messaging them or you know letting myself blow up about it, I can just simply say, yeah, okay, cool. Or I can look at it and go oh, why has that triggered me? Oh, yeah, it's because of this. Okay, do I want to do anything with that? Yeah, actually I'm going to, I'm going to journal on that or I'm going to, like, do some process around that, I'm going to go and regulate through that and then I'm going to see how I feel and what it's displaying to me.
Speaker 3:But, like, honestly, it's all about you at the end of the day. If you're pissed off by somebody, it's about you, it's not about them, it's about you. So, please, with so much love, if you're constantly getting triggered online to the point where you are sending awful comments or messages to people, please do the work. Work, please go to therapy. Please unpack them with somebody, please, because on it, like, it terrifies me the thought of my children getting on the internet. It really does it absolutely terrify. I will be keeping them off of social media for as long as I possibly can, and that's really upsetting because social media can just be so wonderful in so many ways, but God, how cruel people can be. It just it's just not worth it, nope.
Speaker 3:Anyway, if this has helped or triggered you and you'd like to have a calm, nice discussion about it without running for us, please go and regulate first. Go and touch some grass. Touch some grass. Go touch some grass with your tootsies. Yeah, we always love to hear from you guys. We love to hear if this has changed your perspective on anything, if this has made you think, if this has brought you some new ideas or anything like that. And, yeah, if you are loving this series, let us know what you want us to talk about next. But we will see you next week. Thank you so much for joining us. We've absolutely loved being here with you today.
Speaker 1:And if you have enjoyed today's episode as much as we have enjoyed recording it, please leave a review or drop into our DMs. We would love to hear from you.