Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
Real women - slightly unhinged - get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business, relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful, and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
#33 - What Is Anger Telling You And How To Embrace It
Ever been told your anger was just PMS or dismissed as an emotional overreaction? It's time to change the narrative. In our latest episode, we unravel the layers of women's anger and challenge the stereotypes that often surround it. Through sharing personal experiences, we uncover the shame many women feel when expressing anger and recognize it as a powerful response to boundary violations. Anger is not just a hormonal hiccup; it's a crucial emotional signal that demands our attention and respect.
Understanding and processing emotions like anger and sadness can seem like navigating a stormy sea, especially when parenting or seeking personal growth. We explore the accumulation of unresolved emotions and their potential to trigger intense reactions. Delving into the impact of past traumas, we highlight the importance of somatic experiences and therapy in healing. Our conversation also touches on the nuances of complex PTSD and the necessity of trauma-informed care to avoid re-traumatization.
Feeling overwhelmed by balancing personal life and work commitments? You're not alone. We share practical tools for maintaining emotional clarity in relationships, like self-dialogue, venting, and the underestimated power of voice notes. These techniques offer a way to process emotions without burdening loved ones or escalating conflict. By embracing our emotions and acknowledging the pressures we face, we can foster self-awareness and healthier communication, ultimately leading to more fulfilling connections. Join us as we empower ourselves and each other to express anger without the chains of guilt.
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Welcome to Unhinged and Unfiltered. Who Gave them? A Mic. We're your hosts.
Speaker 3:Steph and Lorinda Warning getting triggered is not only accepted but encouraged here. This podcast will dive deep into conversations that make you really think about life. No top level BS here.
Speaker 2:Where real women get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Speaker 3:Tune in for unfiltered conversations, practical tips and tools that actually work and are easily applied, and a whole lot of laughs as we navigate the ups and downs of being a woman together hello, hello and welcome back to another episode of unhinged and unfiltered.
Speaker 1:And today we're going to talk about anger and I just want to like start off by saying that the reason that I love talking about anger is because, like growing up, we're all conditioned that, like, if a man feels angry, that's normal, like he's, he's just feeling the feels and if, like, when a woman is feeling the feels, they cry, you know, they get emotional. That's okay that they're emotional. If they are emotional, they're probably on that period. We're not going to go to that topic today because I will fucking rage about that. You want to talk anger?
Speaker 1:Ah, I can feel it, but something that I experienced a lot in my teenage years and like we've spoken about postpartum rage and I have felt a lot of anger in my life and I've always felt a lot of shame in feeling anger, because I shouldn't be able to feel that. Like that's just a useless emotion. The amount of times somebody has told me what useless emotion. Like you're just wasting space and time feeling that, like when there's a deeper message and yeah, cool, there may be a deeper message, but my response is fucking anger. I am angry, my fight system has kicked in and I feel like it's really normalized that your flight system kicks in for me anyway in the things that.
Speaker 1:I've been through. It's kind of like, yeah, cool, like you, you you're meant to like just sit there and take it, or you walk away from a situation, so like your freeze of just sitting there and take it, or your flight to walk away. And something that I really struggled in relationships is I'm not actually that bitch, just stand there and take it, like, if you want to go, my system is ready to go. And I got a lot of yeah, I love how you're just sitting there laughing. I'm like, yeah, I can, I can pick a fight with like the best of them. And it's been so shamed in my life that for a while there I ended up getting in relationships where I just took it.
Speaker 1:I'm like I can't be angry about this. They have a reason that they're saying this. It's like you know, they're obviously feeling hurt and I need to take that. And that fucks me off now when I think about it, because I'm just like I didn't need to stand there and take it. I didn't need to make it that it's my fault and I should just be able to take it. I'm actually allowed to feel anger because that is an emotion, just like sadness, frustration, just like grief. It's all these things that we process, and so I'm just really wanting to change the narrative, and I know there's so many other women out here wanting to change the narrative that when I'm angry, I'm not fucking pmsing. You actually have ticked me off, whether it's something about myself or that. I just don't fucking agree with what you're saying. And yeah, yeah, steph do you?
Speaker 1:want to. I'm like let's go.
Speaker 3:Yeah, let's cut Lorinda off before she rants for the entire episode.
Speaker 3:So for me, I think it's really important firstly to understand what anger is telling you. So anger is generally there, either because somebody has crossed a boundary in some way so whether that is a physical boundary, where they've put hands on you and you don't want to be touched if you're overstimulated. Whether that is an emotional boundary, where they've said something to you that has really pissed you off. Whether it's a values boundary so maybe you really really value, like being a stay-at-home mom and somebody has come to you and said, like oh my God, why would you want to do that? And they have just like crossed this boundary where it's like that is a belief for you, that is an embodiment for you. So it feels like they are attacking your personality. Okay. So anger is there because a boundary has been crossed. It means that someone has done something wrong, whether they meant to or not. Okay, and sometimes we do need to check ourselves a little bit because, like, if you're flying off the handle because your kids touched your arm, that's probably something we need to work on in terms of regulation and stimulation and all of the things. But if somebody keeps saying horrible comments to you for no other reason than to upset you, then anger is well placed, because then you can turn around and tell them to fuck off.
Speaker 3:For me, the other reason that I find anger is it's sitting over the top of another emotion. So something like shame is a really common one, fear is another really common one, sadness, grief, like honestly, it will sit over the top because when we think about it back in the day when we were fighting tigers and other tribes and things like that, you can look at a tiger and go, oh my God, it's a tiger, holy shit, and freeze, or you can get fucking angry and punch it in the face. Which one is probably going to be more likely to ensure your survival? Probably the anger. Okay, and the reason a lot of the time that we will get so angry at our children is our brain will go into like, oh, this is a tiger and we'll go okay, can I fight this threat? It's a three year old. Yeah, I can fight that. Like it's tiny. Look at it. I could punch it in the face if I wanted to. And that is literally what your brain is doing. It's like can I actually overpower this thing? Yes, you can. So you will generally go into fight, okay, and this isn't always the case.
Speaker 3:Like some, I definitely see parents who go into freeze and, um, what's the other one I'm looking for for? Even for some of them will go into porn. Um, but like that will probably depend on your upbringing, like if there was, you know, um I want to use the word big personalities, but I don't like, I'm talking like if you were raised by a narcissist, if you were abused, things like that, where you were taught you never, ever fight, you just freeze or you run away or you fawn. You may also go into that response with a child, but for, like a lot of the people that I work with, they will go into rage where they will yell and you know where. Obviously I don't hit my children. I know that Lorinda doesn't hit her children, but God knows I've been fucking close a few times. God knows I've been close a few times and it's like it's just this, like instinct, and when I stop I'm like dude, like are you okay? But it's my fight or flight, like my logical brain's gone offline, all the that holds, all of the I don't want to hit my kids, and like respectful parenting and conscious parenting, and it's a purely reptilian, and it's like I need this thing to stop doing, this thing that they are doing right now, because my survival is threatened. It's not, our nervous systems are drama queens at times, but that, but that's what I'm telling myself and that's what my brain is telling me. Okay, so that is generally what anger is there for Now for me, when you start understanding these sorts of things about emotions, we can look at them more neutrally, which means it's like it's not a bad thing that you were angry.
Speaker 3:What is it actually trying to tell you that you were angry? What is it actually trying to tell you what's underneath the anger? So, with emotions, it only takes them about 60 to 90 seconds to process through your body. That's it. They only live for about that long. As long as you don't, like, keep stoking the fucking fire.
Speaker 3:Obviously, if there's something like sadness because you've lost somebody that you love, that's going to be continual waves of that particular emotion, right? Or like, if somebody's you know continuing to piss you off, you're going to continue getting pissed off. It's not like oh, my child said that. You know, my child screamed in my face because I said no to chocolate for breakfast and now I've processed that. So I'm never, ever going to be angry about that again, like no, if they, if they, scream in your face again, you're going to continue to get angry until you work on that particular trigger.
Speaker 3:But the good news about it is that if you just allow it to move through your body and you get it out in a nice, healthy way that is not screaming at the children because this is unfortunately what most of us are doing in a way that's not going to bring us shame and blame and go oh my God, I feel so guilty and blah, blah, blah, blah and create more shit.
Speaker 3:That's then going to make you feel angrier again because you don't like feeling guilty. So you put anger in again over the top of it and go well, if they just listened to me in the first place, I wouldn't have to yell. Then it's gone and the mistake that a lot of us are making is that we go. I'm not allowed to feel angry. So I have to push that down and I have to be the calm parent, even though inside I am raging. And we push it down and we push it down and it works for the first five things of the day, maybe even the first 20 things of the day, and then the 21st, you will fucking lose it and it's like, wow, that seems like a bit of an overreaction to what just happened, but it, it and it's like, wow, that seems like a bit of an overreaction to what just happened. But it's not about that one thing. It's about the 21 things that have happened today that you have not processed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think this is so common, like when I hear this story, a lot of like kids have pissed me off all day and I even feel this. And then your partner walks in and you're like and that kid has done one thing, and I even was talking to Matt about this the other day. So like I'm at home all the day, all day, right, and then I picked, I'm the one that drops, like drops Logan, and I pick up both the kids from school and then by the time he gets home, I feel like I've lived like 7,000 lifetimes and like there'll be one thing like my, like, my middle child will just like, she'll just like, legit, just poke me and I'll fly off the handle. And he, he's like it's just tell her to stop. And I said do you not think that I've already dealt 20 other times with this in the last hour? No, I didn't think to tell her to stop. Of course I did. And it just makes you so frustrated because it's the little things, it's like those things of like, yep, I'm regulating through this and I'm regulating and I'm regulating and my body is like why are we trying to calm the fuck down when this threat is still pissing us off, yeah, and the other thing that I I see a lot with anger as well is like years later and I think this is a lot of where the shame piece comes in for me and a few of my clients is they're going through a situation like years ago.
Speaker 1:They may have been in a relationship that was emotionally or physically abusive or you know, they've realized that their childhood wasn't super great and they feel the anger now and then they feel shame because I'm like well, I'm not currently living that, I'm not in a situation that's angry to me or triggering to me right now. I'm just starting to unpack and understand that the situations that I was in were not healthy. And now I'm angry because I shouldn't have had to go through that, I shouldn't have had to deal with that and I didn't stand up for myself. And there's a lot of resentment there. And now they're trying to feel this anger and they're feeling shame because they're like why am I angry now about it? And, and it's the thing, if you haven't had that safe space to process or even understand it, years later it can come up and this is a lot of like, especially like with a complex ptsd. This comes up a lot like years later they'll be. They'll get one thing triggered that is so small, and then they're really angry and then they realize how much they've been through and that they haven't actually processed that, because the body has kept on to it, because it's like, well, we're not safe to process this now, and that's something that's been huge, and I think it was probably like the second year of my personal development journey where I didn't just do therapy, I actually went into somatics and I was like I'm so fucking angry, I'm so angry that I cannot breathe. And that person that made me so angry is not here, like why am I angry? And he doesn't affect my life right now, but he is because I never had time to process that, I never had time to grieve that identity or like what had I had been put through. So years later, I'm now feeling this now when I think about this person in this situation. There's still like a little bit there, but it's definitely not controlling my life, and it's because I actually had to go in and feel the anger like I was living it right now, and that's a big thing. And this is the.
Speaker 1:The duality, though, with PTSD as well, is that you don't want to be in a situation that re-traumatizes you. So this is why talk therapy now will not actually speak to the situation. So when I was going through therapy with a psychologist, they were very, very careful with me, because you don't want to re-traumatize somebody. So it was like making sure that my body was feeling regulated, but then also in that dysregulation and feeling that emotion and going through that without actually being in the situation. So there's a big thing here.
Speaker 1:This and this is an embodiment piece as well is, if you're going through an embodiment and releasing anger, that you remember that you're not in that situation, and that could be by opening your eyes.
Speaker 1:That could be by coming back to your breath, and that could be by opening your eyes, that could be by coming back to your breath, and I think that's something that's like really important that I wanted to share.
Speaker 1:If you're going to be like, yeah, cool, I'm going to release emotion around this situation, you don't want to be releasing emotion but then also putting yourself back in that situation and I guess, like very quickly, for me, things like this is I will say what I like with the people who I'm super safe with. I will say what I'm feeling straight away right and if I'm doing an embodiment and I'm like, for me it's like hitting the pillow, throwing the pillow, doing whatever I need, or like going outside and screaming, I'm not in that situation. I've not put myself back in that situation. I may be in the anger, but I'm not in the situation. I I'm not reliving that situation. I will not do an embodiment process if that situation is round and round in my head and I hope that makes sense. If anyone wants more clarification around that, super happy to talk about it, because it is a re-traumatization process and you do not want to go through that again.
Speaker 3:I think in that case, the way that I would, that I would do it is and this is something that I get some of my clients to do sometimes if there's a particular event that was very, very hard for them is I'll get them to like write, write about it like just journal it, just like very factual. I'm like you know you can write like I was feeling angry, but like just just try to keep to the facts, just write it all out, you know, facts, facts, facts, facts, facts. And then we can sort of like, once you've processed it intellectually and logically, and like, if you do feel that you're starting to go into it, just go back to the facts. Just go back to the facts. And if you do start to like, you know, feel the emotions again, stop and come back to it later, like you know it may take you a few weeks to get this down, and then we will go into the embodiment piece because it's like then you've kind of processed it logically and intellectually, you've talked about it with your conscious mind, and then we can kind of go in a little bit more safely. Of course, there is still stuff there.
Speaker 3:I've definitely had clients who have gone in for an embodiment piece and there has been like crazy shit in there that we weren't really expecting to see, but obviously, because I'm with them, then I can be that person of you know, hey, hey, hey, you're safe, it's okay, come back to your breath, I'm with you.
Speaker 3:Like you're okay, like pull back, pull back. Pull back. Like regulate, okay, cool. Like now, what are we gonna do here? Um, so that's why, yeah, if they, if there are big pieces like that, preferably go and see somebody to do this stuff rather than just doing it on your own, because obviously, like, yeah, lorinda's had some pretty crazy shit happen to her in her life, but she is also very experienced with this. She's done a lot of this sort of stuff, she knows what safety feels like in her body and if she wasn't sure, she would probably come to me because it's like okay, cool, I know that, I know that that person is going to guide me through and keep me safe yeah, and I think the biggest thing is is, yes, we are trauma-informed coaches.
Speaker 1:We and like this is all coaches in the industry do not deal with the trauma itself, no, right. So the biggest thing is we help so many women through so many traumatic situations and I have also been in a lot of traumatic situations, especially the ones while I was in personal development. I don't work with the trauma itself. The trauma has already happened. It's the things around it, right? So one of the traumas I've had in my life is sexual assault and that, for me, what were the pieces that were coming up? I didn't feel safe with my own body. I didn't feel safe in a relationship. I thought people were going to hurt me. I didn't trust people, even friends. What are the manifestations of that trauma?
Speaker 1:And then we work with those pieces and I think that's actually, for me, was the biggest turning piece, because I'm going into this therapy and I'm being like, yep, this has happened to me, help me. And then they talk and they give you regulation things and I'm like, well, that's not helping my relationship, that's not helping my friendship, that's not helping me with how I look at myself in the mirror, that's not helping with the shame, yeah, yeah. And so what we do is we, we take the pieces and a big one of them is fucking anger, yeah, yep, especially when you get into that and you started to work with these pieces and you're like for me, a lot of anger was like I didn't choose to have this, I didn't choose to live with this, and I'm angry, and I'm angry, and I'm angry and angry, and I'm angry, and I'm angry and angry. And it was actually sadness underneath that. It was sad that I had to change the direction of my life because I'm living with this piece of trauma and that other person doesn't need to.
Speaker 3:Yeah, definitely, and, like anger, is often a secondary emotion. It's a. It's a much safer emotion to feel for a lot of people than sadness is, because sadness is like weak in terms of, you know, protecting yourself against the tiger. It's a weaker emotion than what anger is. Anger is more likely to keep you alive, so we'll put in anger over the top, but anger is still a very fucking valid emotion. A very valid emotion, and it is an emotion that every single person feels. Okay, being like having a regulated nervous system and clearing all of this stuff out is not going to stop you from being angry, and I want you to really hear me when I say that. You will still get angry, you will still get sad, you will still feel grief, because you are a human being and human beings feel emotions. You will probably feel them more strongly. They will just pass quicker yeah, you know.
Speaker 1:What's so funny about that, though, is I didn't. I literally messaged you last month and been like hey, because, uh, stepdaughter was in and a really horrific car accident. We're still very much dealing with that, and I remember messaging you and being like I'm feeling angry because somebody in my life had crossed a boundary with me, and I'm like I'm really, with all of this trauma, that is really fucking sad. Okay, I'm so fucking sad, but this person's pissed me off and so minute, but my body is just like latched onto that motherfucker. I was just like this is, and I remember messaging you and being like so it's really stupid, but I'm angry and this feels more comfortable.
Speaker 1:I literally remember voicing you and being like I feel so much, it feels so much easier to be angry, and I love that you brought that up, because there's so many of us who are just like cool, I've got this really traumatic thing in my life right now. Like cool, I've got this really traumatic thing in my life right now, but that one tiny bit, that one thing, that one word. That person said I'm going to take that and I'm going to put it over the top. Yeah, and your body will do that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's easier. It is easier to feel it because feeling sad is horrible, it's awful, it's a horrible fucking feeling. I'd rather feel angry. It's a powerful feeling and like, especially when you're in a situation like that, obviously, where Rin's like this it happened to Rin's daughter and you can't do anything and you feel incredibly helpless. That's a shitty fucking feeling, holy crap, it's a shitty feeling and you don't want to feel it. You don't want to feel helpless, especially as a parent. So that's why we go full mama bear or hey, you've pissed me off. So I'm just going to absolutely rage. Because it feels powerful. It's like, oh, I can survive this, I'll be okay. Like yeah, I'm going to.
Speaker 3:I'm going to I'm just going to get really, really ragey. But whilst you know this will happen and I hope that this has given you a really good understanding of your anger we need to move it through our bodies. We can't keep storing this shit because, like I mean, when I did my NLP, we did timeline therapy and when I went into anger, I actually found that I was storing anger from my grandmother's timeline, from when her husband died, when she had four little kids. My mom was only 15 months old, so she was the fourth child of the family and my grandmother was left on her own with four little kids. And I went in and that was where I found my anger started. That was the first source of anger on my timeline and I was like wow, that's, that's fucking's fucking crazy. Like thanks for that.
Speaker 3:But we know that, like when your grandma like in your, what is it like within your grandmother? There's like the egg that has your mother yes, you're all in there. So it's like you know there's like three generations in you at any given time. So like I'm holding at the moment, or like I've had, my daughter and she's then holding her daughter and her daughter's daughter or daughter's son or whatever. Like you know, it doesn't have to be women but like you, can actually inherit that from previous timelines as well. So like it sounds woo, I'm aware of that, but honestly that's where I found it and I was like that's insane.
Speaker 3:But then you know, the trauma that she went through was then it passed down and it passes down in lineages and sometimes we do inherit the intergenerational trauma and the intergenerational anger and all of those sorts of things. If there's been hugely traumatic events that have happened in your timeline before you were even born, it's possible. Okay, Cause then like you're like my parent, my mom didn't process it until she was much older. So then I, I got a lot of that on and it's just, you know it's, it's a big thing. I got a lot of that on and it's just, you know it's a big thing. So we can't squash anger down. Okay, you can't do it. You can do it for a little while, but you can't. And anybody who tells me that they're calm all the time is a massive fucking red flag for me, big red flag. Like you're just not letting the anger even come up. I mean, like sometimes you'll find people who are just super, super calm, but honestly, they're an exception that proves the rule for me.
Speaker 1:And you know what's so funny when you're talking about generational. I remember like making a joke once I mean it was last month when I made this joke as well but I'm like oh, I just got generational depression, not generational wealth.
Speaker 1:Can we have the wealth? I'm like, oh, that's what I get passed down. For me, I'm like thinking about it now. And even my my coach that I'm working with now, she talks about passing on like healing and generational trauma to pass on generational wealth. And for me I'm like, cool, I'm going to deal with my own shit in real time so that my children don't have to take on. I know there'll be something that I do pass down. Hopefully it will also be wealth, but also be wealth. But but you know, it's kind of like I want to deal with this now and obviously we're having to deal with that generational trauma as well, but like I want to kind of alleviate that for the next generation of me. Yeah, definitely, yeah. So I think it's so beautiful that you brought up the timeline, because I'm like it's so fucking real yeah, it is real, it's absolutely real.
Speaker 3:So obviously we don't want to press it down, and we we also. So this is a double win, guys, because if you learn how to process your anger well, you will also model that for your children. So your children will not grow up like we did. Where it's like anger is bad, it's like oh, I saw when mum got angry she did X, y, z, so I'm going to do that too, instead of I see when mum gets angry, she pushes it down and I see the shift on her face and then at midday she explodes. So that must be how you deal with anger. I see that she gets angry and she yells at us. So that's how you deal with anger. Like no, so some of my favorite ways and these are both like ways that I've read so these are things that I give to clients and also things that work for me.
Speaker 3:Stomping is a really good one, because the kids love it. Like, especially if you've got shoes on, if you've got boots, go out and stomp out on the grass. Like so much fun, make as much noise as you possibly can. Like pretend that you're walking through a swamp with the kids. You can bring stomp around in the swamp outside. You know, do you want to come with me? Um, and the thing, the thing here as well, guys, do you want to come with me? And the thing here as well, guys, that I just want to say before I get any further in is we're not trying to regulate the anger, we are trying to feel it. Okay, so deep breath's not a good one because that's regulating. We can do that afterwards.
Speaker 3:So stomping stress balls are another really good one because it's just like moving. You want to move it. Basically, like you don't want to be sitting still breathing, you want to be moving this energy through your body. Emotions are just like energy in motion. Okay, so those two screaming into a pillow, like my kids, think that that's hilarious. I remember doing it once in front of one of my kids and they just like I think it was my daughter and she just crept up laughing at me. I was like bitch, I'm furious and she's cracking up. She thought it was so funny. Um, roaring, like dinosaurs dancing, turn, turn a song on and dance it out, like shaking, shaking your hands and your feet is another really, really good one. Or your entire body. You don't even have to yell per se. You can just do like, ah, like, you can just talk it out, just tone it out. Another one that I love this is a big one for me is getting in the car and turning up a song, full blast, and just singing.
Speaker 1:Just get it out of your body yeah, and you'll notice at the end that's such a regulation thing too. I always sing like if'm angry, I always put like songs about your ex-boyfriends, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I just pretend that I'm like in the midst of a breakup, even though I'm like driving home to a man that treats me like a princess. But I'm just like fuck you, and I'm like literally sometimes I think to myself wow, you are dramatic, but I'm processing. The other thing that I really like to do is have the fight with myself.
Speaker 1:oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah out loud, like don't do it yeah like if, like, uh, obviously Matt and I like we're going through this huge thing right now and we haven't really seen each other and there'll be like little things. That really piss me off, like I'm here at home and he's not, and I'm like just a bit more communication and I'll fucking have the fight. I'll be like super dramatic and be like you can't even fucking prioritize, like fuck you and that. And then by the time he gets home, I'm like already done and I'm like, hey, I literally said the other day.
Speaker 1:I'm like, hey, can you just like next time shoot me a message when you're like home because I was out, I'm like can you just shoot me a message? He's like oh okay, I didn't realize it was a thing. And I'm like, yeah, I just, I would just really appreciate it where if I didn't process that because I was fucking full raging over a text message, guys, seriously, yeah, that one fucking thing. And I had it out with myself out loud. And I'm like wow, okay, that's not actually the problem. The problem is, I just wanted to know.
Speaker 1:Yeah because, I haven't seen you and I just wanted fucking communication, yeah.
Speaker 3:I um, I told a client to do that last night. She's going through some stuff and I was like, just like, literally walk around your lounge room and just rage about it, just rage like, call a friend, then, if that's what you need to do, if you've got, if you've got a space like that, sometimes I will just get on my voice messages to the render and be like, listen to this, when you have space, I just need to vent. I just need to get this out of my body so that I don't then go and like a blow up at yeah, at my husband, over something that doesn't even matter where it's like, yeah, you can go to them calmly and be like hey, would you mind just letting me know next time instead of going. Yeah, you never tell me anything and then, like, when I get really angry, I do start crying, like that is something that I do.
Speaker 3:So then it yeah, it makes you look like the weak little girl and I'm like I don't want to do that. I'm just, I'm just angry. Just let me be angry for a minute, so then I can like get all of that out of my body and then I can go and be like hey, just so you know, blah, blah, blah. And then it means that I'm not going to trigger the crap out of him into being defensive and he's not going to come back at me and say something back, because that's what he wants to do and then it turns into a fight.
Speaker 3:So this is like hey, just next time, can you, would you mind doing this?
Speaker 1:oh yeah, no dramas, sweet, yeah, and you know what. I love the fact that you're talking about the voice notes, because something that I I had a coach once who used to be like um, and there's a duality to this. Right, you don't want to be venting all of the fucking time, you don't want to be the victim of your own life, you don't want to be the wind job, but it is a great way to process. Literally. I think steph um, I did some voice notes and she was at pilates and she messaged me and she's like I love angry lorinda and it's just because I was like it was the smallest thing and it was. I will be very honest what it was about.
Speaker 1:So it was about the fact that, as a mom in business, we're really fucking busy all the time and there and we were definitely doing a podcast on this because we had some thoughts and feelings and perspectives but it's just like, okay, if I go through something really big in my life and a lot of moms will feel this if I go through something big, I can't just like turn off my entire day, like I can't turn off my business, I can't turn off my children. There's actually no, no button. I did check um, and so I just had to keep going and obviously processing a lot of things right now and I feel really resilient in it. But there's still days where I'm like I'm fucking knackered and I still can't stop and I just like voice noted that to Steph and I was very passionate about my thoughts and feelings and I feel fine about them now, but I just like vented and I remember there was a stage when I had a coach who's like you don't whinge.
Speaker 1:Like you don't whinge, you don't complain, you don't like have drama and I'm like, but it is a great way to process and a great way to be like validated. Right, I did feel, I felt those things, I believed them for a moment that I actually physically wasn't allowed to stop. I had that belief in my body and then I said I told Steph and I'm like, after processing and telling Steph, I was like I fucking choose this life, but if I didn't vent and get it out of my body, I would have sat in a pity party all day, of being like my life is really fucking hard and I would have been angry and I wouldn't have been annoyed and I would have felt really unappreciated for the things that I do. But then, after processing that and Steph having a little giggle, um, I was just like I choose this life. I choose to be busy.
Speaker 3:I choose to be ambitious as fuck yeah yeah, and I think that that's also such an important piece, because sometimes the girls inside of my group program will start getting like really venty about, like you know, just things that they're all feeling and I'll let them vent for a bit and then I get in there, I'm like, right, guys, enough love you and we want to. We want that space, for sure, and like we want the safe space where we can go in and we can talk about things and blah, blah, blah. But sometimes we're seeking solidarity when we should be seeking like ways that we could improve this and sometimes, like venting all the time and using that as like your only way of processing it, a, we're dumping on everybody else and that's not necessarily the best thing in the world to be doing. The only reason I love angry Lorinda is because she only drops into my DMMS maybe once a month. If she was doing that daily, I'd be like, okay, like I love you, but this is a lot. But she'll draw and it's always like like listen to this when you have space, like I'm just, I'm just venting, but I say this with love there is. Honestly, it can get a lot If you are constantly venting about the same things over and over and over again. Because then it's like you're just not, you're just not doing anything about it and it's like, yeah, you're, you're being the victim to your circumstances, a victim to your own life, kind of thing, where we will kind of vent and then we'll go, okay, well, how can I fix this? What can I do to make this different? What can I do to make this better? What can I do to stop this from happening? Sometimes it is having a conversation with our partners. Sometimes it is changing something up about our lives and don't get us wrong, sometimes we will vent about the same thing a few times over before we finally get to it. But like it is really important that we're not just doing these things. So if you are finding I think this is a really great way to end this particular topic If you're finding that you are venting or processing or whatevering anger about the exact same situation over and over and over and over again, like your kids are triggering you about one particular thing over and over and over and over and over, and you feel like you're stomping around 20 times a day because you know they keep back chatting you or they're ignoring you, or your partner is saying this thing to you and it's annoying you, like.
Speaker 3:Whatever that is, please look at why. Because, while it's normal to feel anger, it is, and you will feel it. If you are being sent into a blind rage multiple times a day, I'd probably go down the route of saying that that's maybe it's more anger than what you need to be feeling. Because, while it's a normal emotion, it's also not a super pleasant one to be feeling constantly, and we shouldn't be if we're dysregulated. That often, it can be a sign that there is something else going on underneath the surface that needs to be dealt with. And that's why one of my particular pillars, or things that I help people with, is rage. Because, like, that used to be me, and some days it still is. Some days I slide straight back into that moment. I'm like, ah yeah, that used to be me, and some days it still is. Some days I slide straight back into that moment.
Speaker 1:I'm like wow, yeah, and that's the biggest thing that we I like to talk about with my clients and like we've spoken about as well, is you gotta stop fucking band-aiding your regulation if you're constantly getting dysregulated by the same thing, like so. I guess one of the things that I do, especially with my clients, is we learn regulation and then it gets to a point I'm like cool, you've learned the regulation, you're doing the regulation, so stop fucking band-aid, band-aiding. Right, you're aware of your body, you're aware of the sensations. You're telling me that you're dysregulated on the daily. Why stop fucking doing the deep breaths for a moment and go? What the fuck is actually triggering me to send me into this state and feel?
Speaker 3:feel it. Yeah, feel it. Stop deep breathing through it and just feel it, as always. If you have loved this episode, we would love for you to leave us a review or to share it so that we can reach more people. If there has been anything in here that you would love to talk about, please always feel free to drop into our DMs. We'd love to hear from you, but please also check if we have the capacity to hear what you have to say, especially if you are dropping in for event, remembering that we are human beings who also have our own capacities, our own children and our own lives. But we hope that this has been really helpful for you and has empowered you to maybe look a little bit further into things, and we will catch you next week. Thank you so much for joining us. We've absolutely loved being here with you today.
Speaker 1:And if you have enjoyed today's episode as much as we have enjoyed recording it, please leave a review or drop into our DMs. We would love to hear from you.