Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
Real women - slightly unhinged - get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business, relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful, and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
#40 - The Real Reason You Can't Stop Yelling At Your Kids
We've all been there—that moment when your child ignores you for the fifth time and something inside you snaps. The volume rises, your body tenses, and later comes the guilt: "Why did I react that way?" In this raw, enlightening conversation, Lurinda interviews Steph about her journey from struggling with parental rage to becoming what Lurinda calls "the habit queen."
Steph reveals how her experience of unexplained anger in early motherhood led her to discover powerful connections between our nervous systems and our children's behaviour. "When I cleaned up my shit, my kids stopped being little jerks all the time," she shares, explaining how the cortisol we release when stressed actually affects those around us—regardless of what calming words we might be using.
The conversation dives deep into why even those with "decent upbringings" carry triggers that emerge in parenthood, and why people often wait until they're completely burnt out before seeking help. Steph outlines practical approaches to identifying personal triggers, expressing emotions healthily rather than suppressing them, and transforming power struggles into playful connections.
Perhaps most powerfully, Steph challenges the common parenting belief that authority comes from making yourself "bigger" through yelling: "I have never once looked at somebody who is screaming their head off and gone 'wow, you really command authority.'" Instead, she offers a vision of parenting where emotional regulation creates genuine respect, and where bringing joy into small daily moments prevents triggering situations altogether.
Want to work directly with Steph on managing parenting triggers and emotional regulation? Her group program and one-on-one coaching spots are available now—follow the links in our bio or message her directly to learn more about transforming your parenting experience.
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Expression of interest
Welcome to Unhinged and Unfiltered. Who Gave them a Mic? We're your hosts, steph and Lorinda.
Speaker 2:Warning getting triggered is not only accepted but encouraged here. This podcast will dive deep into conversations that make you really think about life. No top level BS here.
Speaker 3:Where real women get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Speaker 2:Tune in for unfiltered conversations, practical tips and tools that actually work and are easily applied, and a whole lot of laughs as we navigate the ups and downs of being a woman together. Bye you, you.
Speaker 1:Hello, hello, it is us again on another episode, and today I'm going to have a lot of fun because I'm actually interviewing Steph here, because we were chatting the other day about how, when we first started coaching, we had very similar niches.
Speaker 1:We had very similar, you know, experiences in the coaching world and we were kind of on the same, I guess, path.
Speaker 1:But recently, as we grow and explore different avenues of our work and create, you know, different pathways in our work, it became really apparent that our niches have changed and I'm actually really excited for this, because Steph is like to me, the habit queen, parenting queen, all of those lovely things, and it's not like a parenting coach of like validation. It's like being fucking aware of how you're parenting and how you're showing up as a parent and as a person, and how that affects your children, while also having, you know, the understanding of why we are the way we are, why we parent the way we do, and whether it's actually a good or a bad thing, whether you can use it for good or for bad, and how to like, really move through it and integrate tools, that one that she's created and has learned along her journey and her experiences as a parent as well. So I'm super excited for this and I just really want to kick off by by asking why do you work in this field?
Speaker 2:I I mean, I think that for the most part, most of our niches and most of our journeys are inherently selfish. We do it because we can help that version, because that version was once us. So this is something that I've definitely learned and I've shared in previous episodes my beginning in parenthood, where I like again honestly I had a pretty decent upbringing, like my parents both loved us. They loved each other. There was no neglect, there was nothing like that, and I still started parenting and just found that I was. I had so much fucking rage and I was like what, what is this like? Why am I so? Why am I struggling so much here? And it wasn't until I kind of found shadow work and then later breath work and I used both of those simultaneously that I actually managed to get my shit together. So now my niches are basically like emotional regulation for you as a parent and teaching you how to hold your shit, because I have very, very strong beliefs around this and again, they are based off of my own experience but like your kids don't actually deserve to cop your shit because you can't emotionally regulate, like you are the fucking adult and are you gonna lose it sometimes? Of course you are that's going to happen. You're only human. But if you're losing it all the time and blaming the kids for it and blaming the kids behavior, firstly you're the one with the fully formed prefrontal cortex, not them. But secondly, there are actually things that you can do to stop that from happening, like when I cleaned up my shit, and it is still. There are still fucking closets that I haven't touched.
Speaker 2:Don't get me wrong, I'm still very much on the journey. But my kids stopped being little jerks all the time. And don't get me wrong, they still still have their days. But I am now able to see it for what it is. And it's a child having a bad day, a child having a tantrum. Like I don't get offended when they're rude to me anymore. I don't get offended when they're disrespectful to me anymore. I don't get offended when they say mean things to me anymore.
Speaker 2:I'm just like, oh, yeah, okay. Like they're just, they're in a bad mood. They just need xyz, especially my toddler. She is holy hell, she's mean, but if she's having a day and she's yelling at me or spitting at me or biting me or doing things like that, I'm not so enraged anymore that I can't see it for what it is, which is a child-seeking connection and I can stop and go. Do you need a hug, babe, like you're? Do you need a hug, babe, like you're angry? You need a hug. And she's like, yeah, but sorry, this is a really long answer to this question.
Speaker 2:I was actually just listening to a podcast about this and I knew this, but hearing it explained in this way. So I work a lot in like your energy and the way that your energy affects other people. But this was actually a podcast. It was on Diary of a ceo which I'm like deep in at the moment. I'm just fucking loving it. It's such a good podcast.
Speaker 2:Um, and he was interviewing I think her name's tara stewart, tara swartz, something like that. She's a neuroscientist and she was basically saying that sweat, like the cortisol hormone, actually sweats out of you and and so she. She had obviously said how far it goes. I couldn't see because I wasn't watching the video. I was out walking, but it actually does affect the people around you.
Speaker 2:So if you're hyper, stressed out, you're hyper like highly strung, your nervous system is absolutely fucked. It doesn't matter what words you're using. It doesn't matter what parenting scripts you have. It doesn't matter that you have used the perfect string of words with that child. They are going to plug directly into your nervous system, which is also going.
Speaker 2:Holy shit, this is a fucking tiger, because if I'd done this when I was little, my parents would have smacked me or sent me to my room and I'm in fight or flight right now.
Speaker 2:I just can't recognize it because I'm so used to being in fight or flight all day long. They're never going to calm down. So for me, like I I was a sleep consultant, I worked in behavior for kids and that's how I learned a lot of this sort of stuff, so it was just a logical progression for me, um, where I was like, oh funny, when I calmed down, so did my kids, when I kind of, you know, managed to get my shit together, all of a sudden I'm able to support my kids better. And now, like, I still read the books because I think that they're really interesting and I'm always looking for new ways and tactics to communicate. But I don't need the fucking scripts anymore, like I don't need to watch the conscious parenting on TikTok. I don't need to consider the actual words that I'm using, because the intent and the energy behind them is solid. That was a really, really long answer to that question.
Speaker 1:I think it's just like experience, skill set, all of it, why you're here now. We all know exactly why you're here and I want to bring it back, because something that you said at the start is I had a really good upbringing right. Because something that you said at the start is I had a really good upbringing right. For the people that are listening who and this is me as well I had a decent fucking upbringing. Even the decent upbringings. How does that affect the way that we parent?
Speaker 2:it's going to depend on what what happened, because we know that the way that our brain works is it's not going to remember every single little thing that happened to you and our brains. I like to call them lazy, but they, they, can only take in a certain amount of pieces of information. I can never remember what the number is but, like the subconscious, takes in basically a lot more than the conscious mind does. So the conscious mind needs to be open and ready to receive pieces of information that are going to allow us to survive. Now, obviously, because the conscious mind can't compute all of that, our subconscious creates programs and patterns, so it goes. When this happens, that means X. So, for example we use an example that's really easy to think about If you ever touched an oven when you were a child and it was really hot, you learned don't touch ovens because it hurts, right. So now you don't even have to think about that. You just don't touch the oven because it's a subconscious thing. It goes. Oh, that's scary, don't go near it. Same with fire, same with roads, all of those sorts of things. So, even the decent upbringings and I say this to my clients all the time there is no such thing as a perfect parent, because no matter what you do, you could have the best intentions, you could be the kindest, nicest, best person, have all of the good qualities, and all of the information that you're putting out still needs to go through your child's filters, which is determined from experience and bias and also their personality traits and the way that they receive information. So you might say something to them one day that to you it wasn't really that big a deal, but to them it sticks with them.
Speaker 2:I've got a particular client who her maths teacher. She's very what's the word? Like she takes on things very quickly. They only need to make one comment to her and it's like completely changed the trajectory of her life. And we've found this pattern several times in her like during her sessions. Um, where her math teacher said something to her once and it completely blew her confidence, like it completely blew everything. Um, so like, even though the upbringing was good, there will still be pieces along the way where, to us as adults, we can go back with that.
Speaker 2:Obviously, that logic and the understanding and the comparison of well, I've heard of other kids who went through much, much worse than what I did Like I'm lucky, I should, just I shouldn't complain, but to us as children, there would have still been things that happened, and I'm sure that we've all done it to our kids as well. Like I know that I can think of situations with my kids that I didn't handle well, where just that one thing their brain's gone. Oh, when I use that word, when I say that thing, when I show that emotion, when I do X, y, z, in their subconscious it's like it's attached to danger. So even and I think the other problem as well and we discussed this a couple of weeks ago is that even like with the, with the people who had quote unquote good upbringings, they're generally not in therapy because they're like I'm fine, what, what do I have to whinge about? Again, compared to that person over there, I'm fine.
Speaker 2:Whereas the people who had horrendous upbringings have probably been in therapy from a young age, if their parents allowed it, but probably certainly from an age where they actually had the ability to go on their own accord. Because they've gone oh yeah, that was a bit fucked. I'm probably a little bit messed up from that Probably should go and deal with that, because they've probably also created possibly not always, but a lot of the time will have created some pretty hectic coping mechanisms, some pretty hectic dissociation tools, and it possibly could start to really impact their life in a very negative way. So it's much more obvious, whereas when we have had the decent life, it's like, well, what do I have to be? Like I'm fine, it's like that's cool, like I love that you're fine, but are you thriving?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's so funny. I'm like just really reinforces that the worst things are, the more help you'll get, instead of just helping yourself where you're at and like meeting yourself where you're at, like yep, I haven't met the dark depths. And then when we get to that burnout stage, you're like how did I even get here? And it's like, well, there's subtleties along the way of like you've always just said it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's not. So those big things come up where you're like, oh, I should go fix this. No, no, if you see something, even subtly, there's, there's always opportunity for curiosity there.
Speaker 2:So I always say, like I wish that people would get into some sort of therapy, whether it's with somebody like us, whether it is with you know, your more formal sort of counselor or psychologist, even psychiatrist, way before the point than they generally do. Because a lot of the people that hit my inbox are just like I cannot do this anymore, like I am cooked and I'm like, babe, you should have been here a year ago. Like, why, like, why do we let it get this bad before we think that we're deserving of help and deserving of deserving of working on these things? It's sad, it really is. It makes me so sad that, especially women, we think that we just have to soldier on. And aren't we lucky because we could even have these kids in the first place, and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. And it's like, yes, we are, and you are still allowed to struggle through it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like, yes, we are, and you are still allowed to struggle through it. Yeah, it's so funny because it's always like it takes a village to raise a child, but then we like completely ignore that. It's kind of like it takes a village to raise a child because of all of the experiences that you've been through and the way that you've been shaved and how fucking dysregulating it is. So it's not actually the village to raise the child, it's the village to support you to raise the child. It's the village to support you to raise the child. Yes, so that's so funny. I would love to know, like obviously you're working with lots of women and stuff like that what are the main, I guess, themes that you've been noticing when it comes to, like, parenting?
Speaker 2:mum rage is a big one. I get that one quite a lot alone. I think the other biggest one, honestly, is people coming to me saying I just don't enjoy this like I thought I would, yeah, like they just feel so lost and they feel like they're doing something wrong. Um, another big one is the kids behavior. So again, I don't deal with behavior.
Speaker 2:Please don't come to me like I know a lot about it, but it is not my niche and I do share that information with my clients just because I've read so many fucking books and listened to so many podcasts and like I've, I've kind of self-taught a lot of this stuff. Plus I've got three children, um, but they're probably big ones. The other one that I see quite a lot is like women who are now realizing that their parents weren't as phenomenal as what they thought they were. So I deal a lot with just people who kind of are starting to realize, like the people who are like, no, I had a good upbringing, and then they're kind of looking into it more and more and they're like oh yeah, there might be some scars here because of the way that I deal with it.
Speaker 2:Emotional regulation is probably. It kind of goes hand in hand with the mum rage but is a big one that I see a lot, a lot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, can we go into the mum rage so like lot, a lot. Yeah, can we go into the mum rage so like with the mum rage like one? How do you even identify that you may be?
Speaker 2:suffering from the mum rage. For me, if you are frequently not every now and again, frequently having bouts where your reaction is way over the top for what's happening, so say, you know your child has told you to shut up scenes from my household because it's my three-year-old's favorite term at the moment. So, and then she goes I say shut up and dance, mommy, the song. And I'm like no, you didn't. You're just saying that, tim, we don't tell people to shut up bestie. Um, like yeah, we'll say they're, you know, whenever they're upset, you just cannot handle it and your entire body feels like it feels like you're listening to bats in a cave. You know what I mean. It's like nails down a chalkboard and you're like, oh my god, I'm so stressed out right now like I could punch something or run away or whatever, like any of those sort of fight, flight, freeze responses are coming online. So, yeah, I would probably like probably that first bit honestly, like if your reaction to things that your kids are doing are over the top and you are consistently having to try and rationalize it right, like you're consistently having to go and rationalize it right, like you're consistently having to go to other people for validation. So this is something I see a lot and it's something that I absolutely do not encourage in my containers, and the girls inside my group program will say this, like they'll start kind of going oh yeah, my kid does this, oh, mine does that too, oh, mine does that too. And I'm like, stop. Yeah, if it's valid, absolutely Like, have your vent. But also, is your reaction valid? Because, again, what they're doing here a lot of the time is they are taking, like they are giving away their power because they're not taking ownership for their reactions and they're blaming the child. And that's what that solidarity piece is. Right, that's a lot of the time what we're doing it's like but it's not my fault, right? No, it can't be because that person's going through that too. That person's going through that too. And while I love solidarity like I think it's really great for people to be able to get through situations that are hard how often are you using it as an excuse to not actually look at yourself and go am I part of the problem here? Like, could I be doing something a little bit different? So, yeah, if you're consistently looking back at your day and going, wow, I feel really shit about that. I don't really think I handled that very well at all.
Speaker 2:If you're embarrassed to tell people what is going on in your household because you are just constantly losing it, and when you're looking at it you're like it really wasn't even that big a deal, like it really wasn't.
Speaker 2:But you just can't stop yourself and that's the piece right, because your fight response is taken over and your prefrontal cortex is offline and you are run completely by emotion. And this is honestly the fact that this is not taught in fucking schools blows my brain, because it's just like when you start to understand this stuff, it's like, oh, so I actually can't do anything. So that's why your fucking scripts aren't working, because you cannot access them, it's offline, it is gone, it's goodbye. See, I'd say that's probably my main definition of rage, um, and I mean that can be any sort of rage, but I just obviously deal with mums, so I talk a lot about that particular piece when your children are eliciting that response in you yeah, it's so interesting just to even listen to it and be like what experiences have I just like, absolutely like lost my shit and then not, you know, it was over the top for somebody who's listening, who is experiencing mum rage.
Speaker 1:What are the steps that you take your clients through? Or like, what are some some tips and stuff like that, just for people to get a little bit more understanding about how to move through this?
Speaker 2:the first step and this is half the battle is that you have to admit that that is your problem. It's nothing to do with your kids, that that is you. They might be triggering you, they might be triggering that response, but your reaction it's a reaction, it's not a response, because it is your body reacting to that threat that is on you. So the first step is admitting that. The second step is figuring out that is on you. So the first step is admitting that. The second step is figuring out what is triggering you. So I take my clients through these things and I ask them just to watch. At first, I do not even ask them to try to change anything. It's like I just want you to watch your day. I love to keep or get them to keep, like a journal or a piece of paper or even their notes app, something like that, on the kitchen bench, and every time that they start to feel that rage bubbling up or that they do lose it, just write down what was happening directly before, like what were the kids doing? What were you doing? What's the go here? Because that's how you start to pick up what is triggering you and what's bothering you. So the thing with these triggers is that like this is honestly half of the battle, because your brain has connected that to danger in some way. So the piece that I wanted to say there and it kind of then will segue into the next piece is oftentimes things that trigger you. You probably are going to continue to have that response always. I don't necessarily know that I believe that you can completely neutralize a trigger. Um, it will still be there, but you will be able to respond to it rather than react, because you'll be able to kind of create new pathways and new stories around it.
Speaker 2:But, for example, one of my biggest triggers is being ignored, and that's not just with my kids. Lorinda knows this one when I get really angry or really upset, really dysregulated, when I feel like I'm not being heard or when I'm not being acknowledged. So this won't happen. If it's, you know, if I've just shot off a text and been like, hey, how are you? Or hey, just letting you know X, y, z, it's mainly when I feel that it's important and I need a response from that person. So, for example, when I'm asking my kids in the morning to put their shoes on or to put their uniforms on, and they are completely ignoring me. Yeah, now I know that that's a big, a big issue of mine, and it's my issue. It's not their issue. Like their children, their ears are going to be painted on.
Speaker 2:So, firstly, I need to be aware that that is my trigger to manage, not theirs. I have communicated that with them, though, because I also think it's really important that they do understand that the way that they interact with people A will elicit responses, and b does impact people, and I think that it's important that the people that you're around a lot and the people that you want to create good relationships with, are aware of things like that, so that you can try to avoid them. You're not always going to. There will be times where you do kind of rub on a wound a little bit, but, in my opinion, if somebody is in your life that you know has a trigger like that, it's just a good thing to do, to try to not press on it. Um, but yes, I it. It really bothers me.
Speaker 2:So I have yet figured that one out, and when they're doing it, I still I still get the my body going like, hey, let's fight these little fuckers Like they're not listening to you. You need to yell. You need to get bigger, cause that was mine, I would yell a lot because I wasn't being heard, so I made myself louder and I think that, going back to the mum rage piece as well, I'm kind of going all over the place a little bit here. The mum rage piece, like a lot of the time our fight response will come out because we can overpower them. They're smaller than us, like I can take a three-year-old, no dramas, yeah.
Speaker 1:I feel like the other piece there is, like the biggest belief that I had for a long time is I'm the authority. So you should listen to me. Like in this in the house, right in the family, there is a hierarchy you're the children and I I'm the adult. So then there is a power play there of like. You're not listening to me. You should be listening to me. There should be that instant respect, because I was raised that there is a hierarchy in this house and that I am the be all and end all and you're fucking walking all over me and I do speak about this a lot as well that authority piece where, okay, I want you to think about.
Speaker 2:I'm sure that you can remember maybe even going back into high school thinking about teachers, right, I'm sure that there was at least one teacher that you can remember that you see yell fucking constantly. And then there was probably another teacher that never, ever had to yell but just could command a room. When you think about that, both of them probably got the kids to listen, but which one do you respect more? Yeah, right, so for me, as adult, I have never once looked at somebody who is screaming their head off and gone wow, you really command authority. I'm looking at you being like you are out of control, like there's no control there, there's no emotional control and there's no respect. So our kids obviously don't quite understand this, but again, it's that intention. When we're yelling, we're getting increasingly desperate to get them to listen to us. So we're making ourselves bigger because it's like, well, the words that I'm using and the things that I'm saying are not working. So I have to make myself big and I have to make you listen to me because I am the authority. No, you're not the authority in that case, like you're really not. You're, you're giving away your power in that instance. And that was kind of what made me like when I started to realize this stuff, I was like I really need to stop yelling at my kids all the time, cause that was that was me.
Speaker 2:I used to yell all the time because they didn't listen to me, and I thought the same thing. I was like they're kids, I'm the adult, they have to listen. But it's like, actually, am I respecting them? Am I respecting their need and their right to get emotional? Am I respecting their right to have a bad day? Am I respecting the fact that they are little people who I want one day to stand up for themselves and to be able to say, well, actually, no, I don't want to do that. Actually, no't like that. Do I enjoy it when they do it to me? Not fucking really. But I also can't expect to raise children who are empowered and who speak up for themselves and who don't go along with the fucking pack if I'm constantly forcing them to in my own house.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so instead, again going back to the being ignored situation, I went looking for ways that I could communicate, I could get down to their level because they're not mini adults, they're children and for kids. Honestly, if I can give you the biggest fucking tip, the best way, the best way that I have found to get them on side, is to make it fun In some way. So my kids. This morning, for example, I was up at 20 past four because I had a call with my coach and she keeps very strange office hours and she keeps very strange off the sales. But I was up at 4 20 and we were still running late.
Speaker 2:Just every morning it's a thing. But I'd ask them a couple of times to get dressed and they weren't listening. So in this case, a lot of the time people will continue asking the same thing over and over again. The kids aren't listening. So then they'll start yelling because it's like hey, I need you to put your shoes, like we're trying to gentle parent, but we're permissive parenting. Because in gentle parenting they say if you ask once or twice and they're not listening, then you need to physically go and kind of force the point like, hey, I see that you're struggling a little bit here. Can I help you put your shoes on. But we're busy, man, we've got, I've got three or four people to get out the door like I don't necessarily have time to do that all the time, so like I get it.
Speaker 2:So this morning, what I did, and this works brilliantly for my boys not necessarily actually my daughter's starting to get into it now but I have also heard clients say this doesn't work for them. But I'll be like who's gonna win the getting dress race, or can you get dressed before I count to 20, like something like that, where it's fun for them. Or I'll like sing stupid songs. Or I'll like I'll chase my three-year-old around with her shirt, being like izzy, I'm cold, I need your shirt on. Like I need to, I need to be on your body because I'm so cold, or something like that. Like I'll just say stupid shit like that, and she thinks it's hilarious, they think it's so funny and it's like why can't we bring more of that in? But we're so busy being so serious all the time because we're so dysregulated.
Speaker 1:It's so funny Logan's routine of the morning and it's been going for like over a year is he likes to like I'm doing air quotes, surprise me by being ready without help. I love that for you and it's just like. So I put the so for me like he. I get up before him, I get myself ready and then he has breakfast. I actually lay out his clothes.
Speaker 1:All he needs to do is go get his own underwear and then I'll go and finish getting ready or doing whatever I'm doing and I'll come out and he'll be like he'll run around like literally shirt undies, um shirt shorts, and then he'll get his shoes and socks on and then he'll be like, see, I'm ready, and I'll be like, oh my god, did you do that by yourself? Oh my god, you did that so quickly. It's been going for over 365 days and I still have to act surprised. But he fucking loves it like, am I surprised? No, I'm very well aware that he's very independent, but it's such a game for him to see if he can get dressed without me seeing him getting dressed yeah, and like if that works, cool.
Speaker 2:That's the thing. Right is that we're like everything has to be so serious all the time and it's just like oh, no wonder they're not fucking listening. I'm gonna listen to you either. You sound like a buzzkill, um, and that's me included. Sometimes I can be a buzzkill too, but it's yeah. It's like all of those sorts of pieces where it's like how can you bring some fun into it? Like, how can you figure out what motivates them and use that to your advantage? Like and I'm not saying all the time, but like to a degree it is manipulation, but it's just doing it.
Speaker 1:It's so funny yeah, it's in.
Speaker 2:It's doing it in a way that is not like eliciting a fear response.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know what's so funny. Matt always tells me, like this thing about carrot or stick, right? So imagine that your child is a donkey. Are you going to hit it with a stick or lead it with a carrot?
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and I talk about this a lot as well where people will try to use their carrot. So, like guys, we're going to be late. We're going to be late for school. The kid doesn't care, they don't give a shit, especially when they're two or three. They've got no concept of what time means. You can tell them something's going to take five minutes and an hour later you're still. Oh, it's not finished yet. They don't understand the concept of time and they also don't care that they are going to be late. So it's like you're trying to use your character, because you're worried about being late, to get them to do what you want them to do. Yeah, it's gonna work.
Speaker 2:They don't care, so like how do you make them care, like for me right now, my seven-year-old. I'm like hey, bestie, if you're not dressed in time and if we're not in school, you're gonna have to walk to the other end of the school, get a late pass and then go all the way to your classroom. So all of a sudden he cares a lot about being late yeah, logan's is the playground.
Speaker 1:He's like I want to be able to go and play on the playground, but if I want more time, I need to be at school on time. Yeah, I have a question for you. So the biggest thing that I feel in myself that changed a lot was, like the shoulds right, and it comes down to like routine, because you're even talking about like being late, and the biggest thing that changed in my life is when I changed up my routine, like obviously I have the flexibility with work, but making a routine that feels good to me and not what other people so like for me, I actually walk in every single day. I'm that person because it actually allows Logan to go into school quicker. It allows for more freedom and like there's no fights Like if I try and drop and run, there's always a fight. It allows for more freedom and like there's no fights Like if I try and drop and run, there's always a fight. So do you work with women a lot around the belief systems of how they should parent?
Speaker 2:I have actually banned the word should and shouldn't in my containers. Should, shouldn't and sorry, are not allowed to be said in my containers. Because, yes, like we do this all the time, oh, I should be doing this because that particular parenting expert told me I should. They don't know your kids and, if I can, if I can tell you anything from my experience of having three children very close together, who, by the way, have all been raised exactly the same, like same parents. We treat them the same, except for maybe, the exception of my husband and our daughter, um, absolute apple of daddy's eye but oh my god, I can see that, oh my god it's so bad daddy's little princess, and yet she still favors me.
Speaker 2:Um, but yeah, like they're all so different and as soon as you are able to, because I talk a lot about mom guilt as well, and the mom guilt either comes down to shame or remorse. So if it's remorse, it's because you are doing something that doesn't align with your values. If it's shame, it's you're doing something that you are worried other people will judge you for and you're worried that people are gonna judge the way that your parents. So the absolute best way to tell it's one question if nobody else knew about this, would I still feel guilty about it? So interesting, if the answer is yes, then it's remorse. If only you and your child knew about that. It's remorse.
Speaker 2:So like, say, you absolutely lost your fucking shit on them on the way to the car and it's not how you want to parent. You're trying to sort of move away from yelling and things like that and you're like that was a really shitty thing for me to do, like I shouldn't have said that that was. Yeah, I really am sorry about that. If it's, I'm worried that you know Susan in the playground is going to judge me because my kids won't eat vegetables and I don't force the point when we're out in public and I'm worried about them watching what my kids are eating or whatever. That's a shame piece and it's like do you really need to carry other people's shame or can you just deal with your own remorse for all of the shortcomings that you think that you have as a parent? And, honestly, that was probably one of the biggest game changers for me, when I stopped trying to fit into a box and stopped trying to be all of the things that everybody else was telling me and just started being what my kids needed me to be for them, because then, all of a sudden, I was able to look at them and their needs, rather than what society was telling me that I should be doing and how I should be raising them and the way that they should be responding and reacting.
Speaker 2:It also allows me to problem solve when something isn't working because instead of going to social media or instead of going to Google or whatever, I'll be like okay, this is the problem, like the way that I'm communicating with this child is no longer working, I'll pull into my toolbox first, which is very large at this point, and go what, what does this kid need? And because I know them, because I actually spend time getting to know them, not getting to know what a seven-year-old boy should be doing. What time should a seven-year-old boy be going to bed? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm not looking at that shit, I'm going.
Speaker 2:What does my seven-year-old need? What does he need from me? What do I need to do right now in order to make him feel safe and secure and loved? Okay, he needs this, which is not the same as what my five-year-old needs and it's not the same as what my three-year-old needs. But because I'm not going should and I'm not trying to parent them all and trying to shove them all into the same box, it's much, much easier to actually give them what they need, which means that they're more regulated and, I hope, more well-adjusted kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what would you say to somebody who does have multiple kids and they have various different personalities? Like, how would you help them with getting to know their kids without having to use a fuck ton of time? Because we both know, like having that one-to-one time with our kids is super important, but it doesn't necessarily happen because life is busy as shit.
Speaker 2:I mean, we don't really get a huge amount of one-to-one time with our kids yeah like we really don't. There's three of them, there's two of us, and my husband works a lot, so oftentimes it's just me and the kids yeah so I probably do know them better, just simply because of the sheer amount of time that I spend with them.
Speaker 2:But yeah just looking at your child and I think that the like, one of the best questions that you can start to ask yourself, especially when you're seeing challenging behaviors, is what is under this like? There's a great um, acronym, I think, is the word for it. I can never really remember Called.
Speaker 1:HOB.
Speaker 2:Like are they hangry? Are they hangry? Are they hungry? Are they angry? Are they lonely? Are they tired? Do they need to be fed, which they fucking always do? Are they angry or emotional about something? Which, again, we like to go? That's like your problems aren't problems. Wait, which again we like to go. That's like your problems aren't problems. Wait until you're an adult. What we need to remember is that, like you, not buying that Barbie doll is probably the worst thing that's happened to your three-year-old that week, and that is beautiful. That honestly says so much about your parenting and so much about the way that you are showing up and parenting your kid, and I'm getting tears in my eyes because it's like, if that is the biggest problem that your kid has that week, what a fucking great parent you are, like, what a phenomenal parent you are, and it's like we need to remember that, in the grand scheme, that that is the worst thing that's happened to them this week or this month or this year. Like, lucky them. They are lucky. Yes, they are.
Speaker 2:Like, sometimes it's like, oh, my fucking god, I don't want to do this. I get it, but it's like they're entitled to their feelings. That's okay. Um, the lonely piece, like have you been spending enough time with them? Have you been having enough time for one-on-one connection with them? Whether that is just like pulling one kid aside to do homework with them and solely focusing on them. Whether it is like playing board games or just check, just sitting down on the couch and checking in with them, being like hey, like how was your day? Like how was school, what happened? Like I, like I'm really interested, I want to know, and asking questions.
Speaker 2:Um, and the tired piece, like again, obviously with my background in sleep, it is something that I really do prioritize with my children, because I know what they're like when they're tired. They're like me when they're tired. It's not pretty, but, yeah, like, do they need to go to bed early Just because 7.30 or 8 o'clock is like when every other kid is going to bed? Like, if my kids are tired, I put them to bed early, like it's not fucking rocket science, so you just need to watch them. Yeah, work out what, what works for them, because, again, like that kid might respond really really well to timers and you go, oh, that worked really well. I'm gonna try that again and see if it continues to work like. That kid responds better to like again, for example with my kids, so my eldest if he's really upset, he generally just needs his space. And this is again where the shoulds and shouldn'ts are coming in, because it's like you shouldn't leave them in their rooms on their own, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Absolutely you fucking should. If they're asking you for space, of course you should. Like they're telling you what they need and you're ignoring it because a fucking parenting book told you that you should never leave, why not?
Speaker 2:I always say to my kids like, if one of my kids goes into their room and they're like go away, I want space. When they were a lot younger, I would like sit, sit on the floor near the door and just be like I'm just gonna wait here, you, until you're ready. Or I would sit in the hallway and I'll be like okay, yeah, cool, I'll give you space. You can close the door. I respect your need for privacy, but I'm right here when you need it. Or I would say you know, hey, bud, I think you might need a little bit of time alone. You are so welcome to come out whenever you need me, but I can just see that you need a little bit of space because, again, I can't allow you to hit your brother. That's not, I can't do that. But yeah, just kind of like going with what they need.
Speaker 2:But then, yeah, my five and three year old. They'll tell me to go away. But that's not actually what they mean, because if I go away they get really, really upset. So with them I'm like, yeah, okay, cool, I'm gonna stay nearby.
Speaker 2:And with them there hits a point and I don't really know how I know it is, I just know and it's probably that energy piece again where I'm feeling their energy and I'm feeling their mood shift, where it's like, cool, it's time to make them laugh, to snap them out of this. But if I try that with my seven-year-old, he gets even more upset. So it's like just trialing things and unfortunately there is no quick fix Like this is. The problem is that you do need to spend the time getting to know them. But the quickest fix if your kids are like, if you're really struggling with your parenting, you're really struggling with mom rage, you're struggling with yelling, you're feeling like you're failing all the time. The quickest fix is you, it's not the kids, it's you like.
Speaker 2:To me this does feel a little bit like slapping a band-aid on a bullet hole, but like deep breaths, learning how to regulate your own emotions, but also learning that it's okay to express them, and finding ways for you that allow you to express that anger. Because something else I see a lot is I'm really frustrated, but I'm just gonna deep breathe my way through it because the kids need me right now. Okay, that's cool. But if you suppress that emotion, it's going to store in your body, which means that the next time you get angry, it's going to be this anger plus that anger, plus whatever other anger you've been repressing. So instead, what you can do especially if your kids are having big reactions because you're allowed to have big reactions simultaneously, like you're allowed to be angry at the same time, because it's not very nice having Legos thrown at your face, that's, you're allowed to be angry about that so you can say and this is like one big thing is never, ever blame them for your emotions.
Speaker 2:But you can say I'm a little bit frustrated, I don't love being spoken to like this. I'm going to get that frustration out of my body and, like, gross motor movements are really good here and this is how we start to teach our children oh, that's how you deal with anger you don't just shove it down, you don't ignore it, you don't scream in people's faces, you don't throw toys, you like. I love doing pillow fights with my kids because it means that I can whack them with a pillow and they can whack me with a pillow, and you can kind of get that anger out on the other person without actually hurting them. And for me that's what we want, right, like that's. The goal is to get the emotion out of your body without hurting another person. And hopefully we won't raise a bunch of emotionally stunted adults who, like we are, who we get pissy with each other and instead of saying you're frustrating me or I'm angry with you right now, we go and say the thing that we know will absolutely hurt them the most because we know them really really well.
Speaker 2:So instead it's like like I'm feeling frustrated right now, I'm going to go stomp my feet. Yeah, I'm going to go punch a pillow, I'm going to go scream into a pillow. I'm going to go get in my car and sing Whitney Houston or Christina Aguilera or something you know. That's got a real set of lungs on them. I'm just going to go belt that out in the car. Yeah, and that's how they learn. They do not learn by what you say to them. They learn by watching you. They are always watching and they are so connected to you, like if you think that you're hiding your emotions from them, you're not.
Speaker 1:They know you. No, they always know. And, like the biggest thing that I also see as well, like everything that you're speaking about is so beautiful to, like one, learn to express yourself, but learning to express joy as well with them, I think that's a big piece. Like you're talking like now, I really feel like we're on the integration piece, right, it's like you're now going cool, these are the, the tools that you need to identify. Like fucking put the book down and actually ask the question. But also like express, I think, like as breath work and shadow work coaches, and like doing more somatics. It's kind of like even just noticing how you're breathing, like are you actually breathing? Like you're going, yep, cool, I'm breathing, but it's only reaching your chest.
Speaker 1:Like taking a lot of awareness and that, and like my day-to-day with Logan especially, is like we start with a lot of singing, we start with a lot of joy, and it's like if we get frustrated, it doesn't happen quite as much now because we're already prioritizing a lot of joy.
Speaker 1:Like, and not even like really like realizing it takes like two minutes, and the biggest thing that I remember being a new parent was being frustrated about how much time things take. Yeah, yeah, and I'm like I actually like implement little things, especially with somebody who is ADHD, like we just need that dopamine here, but like integrating like small things throughout the day instead of having to do like one big thing of like oh, now it's time to be present with them for the next fucking hour while I'm already tired. It's like those micro moments for somebody who struggles with joy. Like we've talked a lot about anger and I think the biggest thing that you know we both see as well as like women not really feeling comfortable in the joy or creating joy. What is something that you would tell them?
Speaker 2:if you're repressing your anger and sadness, you are also repressing your joy. Yeah, that can be so fucking hard to hear because it's like but if I start feeling my anger or if I start feeling joy, am I going to start feeling anger? Yes, and those are all valid human emotions and you're supposed to fill the spectrum. They're there for a reason. But I would say, like, start small, because your joy is going to be different from other people's joy and that's perfect. That's exactly what you want.
Speaker 2:So for me, it's about the little moments again where my kids will come up to me and be rude and I'll make a joke so I can laugh at them, or I'll just like I kind of start to think about, like how can I be a bit of a kid again? Like I'll bump into them on purpose in the supermarket and make them go flying. I'll obviously catch them before they fall over, but just things like that, like I implemented this thing a little while back and, honestly, some nights I'm just like oh, my fucking god, I don't want to do this. But things like I'll, I'll muck around with them and I'll say, oh, I'll call myself the magic bus and I carry them into the bathroom upside down so that they can brush their teeth, and then I'll sit and wait in the bathroom and I'll say, no, the magic bus doesn't take children with dirty teeth. So it's like you need to, like you need to still get the things done, but you can do it in a fun way and they're far more likely to get on board and it's gonna be more joyful for you.
Speaker 2:But I think and honestly, like please don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those like toxic positivity, gratitude girlies, but I think, just finding the small moments, like my sister-in-law actually said to me a while back, I asked how people were finding, like what people were grateful for, and she said to me that she has a little book that she started writing things down and like, rather than gratitude journaling and looking for like three things in the day that you're grateful for, she just has this little book that she writes things down in as they happen. So, like my kid came up to me and said that they loved me, like they were all playing together nicely, just like, allow yourself to look at those moments and soak them in. Like, just slow the fuck down. You don't have to always be busy and productive Like house, I know, I know it drives everybody, I know it drives you insane, but the house can wait for 10 seconds while you just look at your kids and go fuck, I'm lucky even when they're assholes. But I think it's like it's.
Speaker 2:It comes down to that acknowledgement the acknowledgement of the, the acknowledgement of the good, the acknowledgement of the bad and just allowing yourself to be in that duality where you can be having a shitful day and you can still probably find something good in it. But you will find what you look for. So if you're looking for the joy, you will find areas to bring more joy and you will find pockets of joy. If you are looking for the reasons to stay mad and to hate your life, you'll fucking find them too. And it's honestly, it sounds so simple that people will go. That's not going to work. Sometimes as simple as exactly what you need.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so beautiful. I feel like we could go on and on because there's so many different aspects, but, like the biggest takeaway from me just listening to you say all of that is that to experience rage is actually not a bad thing. It's just how you deal with it. Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's like and it's not you sitting here and going, you should. You know that's not the right thing. It's just like this is directed in the wrong way. The intention is the wrong way. How can I actually feel whatever is actually triggering me, because there's always a layer deeper right, like that kid leaving their sock. It's probably not because they're leaving their sock on the floor. It's that you have been doing stuff all fucking day and you are not seen or appreciated and all you wanted them to do is put their fucking socks away. Right, and your reaction is bigger. But it's actually in you going. I'm not seen or heard and I'm constantly disrespected. So where else can I tighten that up? Where else am I not taking care of myself and where else am I like putting the blame on somebody whose fault is actually not it.
Speaker 2:Yeah for sure. Yeah, I always say that anger is a secondary emotion. As a general rule, I I honestly do believe that in most cases, anger is sitting over the top of something else, because it is a. It's a better emotion in terms of survival, like being scared or being guilty or being shameful. Like how the fuck is that going to help you in a fight? Somebody's running at you with an arrow, or or, you know, you've really upset somebody because you've said something to them and then they get. They get pissy with you. Are you really going to sit there and go? I'm so sorry, like you know. No, you're going to get pissy back because it's like, well, fire with fire, like that's what we tend to do. So yeah, again, if you are experiencing those rages, that's where it comes back to the triggers. Why is this bothering you so much? And sometimes it doesn't even matter. The why doesn't even necessarily matter.
Speaker 2:It's just like okay, what is it and how can I reframe this and go okay, cool, they didn't throw the sock on the floor because they hate me and they disrespect me, because they don't give a shit about what I'm doing. They're three and they don't actually like they were, so they just wanted to get to their toys and play, so they were just trying to get all of their chores done and dusted, and so all you need to go is like hey, babe, you know how I asked you to chuck your socks in the thing. Can you, can we just come and do that, please? Don't like, don't do it for them. I'm all for like, hey, you didn't do this properly and I've asked you to do it, so I need you to come back and do it for me, please. Um, but just like reframing it and just allowing yourself to pull back, taking some deep breaths and going what is this actually about?
Speaker 1:yeah respond over now for the people that are listening to this and being like I am experienced multiple things and I have no idea how to move through it. I have no idea where to start and I feel like I'm a little bit of a hot mess when it comes to this. What are your current offerings? How can people work with you? What's the sitch there?
Speaker 2:yep. So my current main thing is my group program, um, which is currently going through a rebrand, which is exciting. But in that one we go through like all of this we go through the conditioning pieces, we go through how your subconscious works. We, we go through emotions, we go through the way that you're showing up for yourself, your habits, your needs, your values, all of that stuff. We go through communication. We go through all of the fun stuff. There's weekly calls in that one, then obviously, from there you can upgrade to one-to-one. So in those sessions is where we do our shadow work, our personalized coaching, our breath work. That is where you get direct access to me, monday through Saturday, because I am a workaholic and we really start to pull the threads of why you're responding. And that's obviously going to get you Like we go in and sort of negotiate the emotions behind all of this um, we negotiate the root, we negotiate the traumas, we negotiate all of that sort of stuff so that eventually we kind of get to the point where it's like oh yeah, I see why I do that now, like I can kind of laugh about it.
Speaker 2:It still annoys me if I'm in a bad mood, if I haven't had enough sleep, or if I've, you know, not been eating well, or you know, me and my partner in the middle of a fight or something like that. Like if you're already a little bit off your game, these things are still going to bother you. But it's like most of my clients do report, like the ones that are suffering with mum rage. All of the ones that are suffering with mum rage do report that they still feel it but they're not completely fucking losing their shit at the kids anymore. It's like they're able to pull themselves back and they're able to kind of look at it reflectively and they're able to sort of take that ownership and they're able to dig into what they need. So they're my main ones yeah, cool.
Speaker 1:And how can they get a hold of you? How can they apply for this? Like, do you have any spots currently opening for your one-to-one?
Speaker 2:I do have a couple of spots. Yes, at the moment, um and yeah group is evergreen, so you can come in whenever you're ready. The links are in my bio or I am always open for a yarn in the dms, especially if you have questions, or the whole. I don't think this is gonna help me. I'm too far gone, like nothing's ever helped me before. My kids are just fucking crazy, like all of those sorts of things. Believe me, you're not the first person to think that and also Steph loves a challenge.
Speaker 2:So it's, it's like crack to me. You tell me that I can't, you tell me that I can't help and I'm like right, hold my beer watch me while I do this.
Speaker 1:No, thank you so much for letting me pick your brain on a few pieces. I think it was a beautiful overall and in the next couple of weeks, we are going to be doing a Q&A for Steph and all of these things parenting regulation so we'll chuck that on our Instagrams. If you have any actual questions for Steph in regards to this stuff, um, please, please, please, message us with those questions, because we'll be going over this and yeah, but thank you, thank you, thank you thank you so much, and we'll also be doing the same for Lorinda as well at some point when she decides.
Speaker 1:I know I have so many different branches where I'm like where am I going to go with this?
Speaker 2:but he's going through some pivots.
Speaker 1:All I can think is when someone says that word is that Ross thing pivot yeah? That's how I feel to me.
Speaker 2:You're going through.
Speaker 1:You're going through an identity rebrand yeah, it's there, I just need to show it.
Speaker 2:Yes, we'll get there, We'll get there Awesome.
Speaker 1:So if you love this episode, leave a review, ask a question, share it to your friends, because you know we're all about making impact and we'll see you next time.
Speaker 2:I thought we will Thank you so much for joining us. We've absolutely loved being here with you today.
Speaker 1:And if you have enjoyed today's episode as much as we have enjoyed recording it, please leave a review or drop into our DMs. We would love to hear from you.