Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
Real women - slightly unhinged - get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business, relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful, and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
#43 - Slow Down to Feel More: How Body Connection Creates Better Sex
What if the key to unlocking pleasure isn't something external, but simply learning to reconnect with your own body? This intimate conversation with embodiment therapist Jazz reveals how many women struggle with pleasure because they're fundamentally disconnected from their bodies, living in their heads rather than experiencing through physical sensation.
"We are taught to exist from a very masculine perspective," Jazz explains, highlighting how our society's emphasis on constant achievement and productivity has disconnected us from our natural feminine rhythms. This disconnection doesn't just affect sexual pleasure—it permeates every aspect of life, from decision-making to relationship dynamics to overall wellbeing.
The pathway back to pleasure begins with simple practices: body scans, conscious breathing, and intuitive movement. Jazz shares practical techniques anyone can implement today, emphasizing that embodiment isn't something reserved for special occasions but a daily practice that transforms how we experience life. For women struggling with low libido or difficulty experiencing pleasure, the solution rarely lies in quick fixes but rather in addressing the fundamental disconnection between mind and body.
Perhaps most powerfully, Jazz addresses how self-worth forms the foundation of embodiment work. "If we don't think we're valuable, then why are we going to choose to connect to our body?" This insight illuminates why many women struggle to prioritize their pleasure—they haven't yet recognized their inherent worthiness of it. As Jazz beautifully affirms near the conversation's end: "Pleasure is our birthright."
For anyone feeling stuck in their head, overwhelmed by responsibilities, or missing that spark in their intimate relationships, this episode offers compassionate guidance toward reconnection with your body's wisdom and the pleasure that naturally follows when we slow down enough to truly listen.
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Welcome to Unhinged and Unfiltered. Who Gave them a Mic? We're your hosts, steph and Lorinda.
Speaker 2:Warning getting triggered is not only accepted, but encouraged here. This podcast will dive deep into conversations that make you really think about life.
Speaker 1:No top level BS here, when real women get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Speaker 2:Tune in for unfiltered conversations, practical tips and tools that actually work and are easily applied, and a whole lot of laughs as we navigate the ups and downs of being a woman together hello, hello and welcome back to another episode.
Speaker 1:And today we have the beautiful jazz with me today. She has been on before but I really wanted her to come on today and talk a little bit deeper into pleasure and in embodiment. And jazz is somebody that I like deeply trust with all of this. Like if I was to think about who would I want to go talk to about anything to do with embodiment and pleasure? It would be jazz. So jazz is a oh my god, I just literally forgot the title. He said a sex and embodiment therapist. And she's also a mom and she's been in a very long-term relationship, so she understands the ups and downs of all of this.
Speaker 1:So when I think also of the embodiment of feminine and woman, I think jazz. And there's a reason. I think that is because a few years ago we went on a retreat and I remember being so triggered by the embodiment that jazz held because it was just so beautiful to just witness a woman being so connected to her body when the mirror was like how disconnected I was. And so I think jazz for me was a beautiful moment to to learn, to reconnect, and I know in the last two years I felt so much more connected to my body. But I wanted her to come on today because I know there's so many women who are still very much living in their head, who I feel like there may be something missing in their relationships and in their lives and it comes down to that intimacy and that pleasure and just being like super connected.
Speaker 1:So, jazz, thank you for being here, hello so excited.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having me back and thank you for those really kind words. I really appreciate it it.
Speaker 1:Well, they all come from my heart, but I would love for you to kick off about, like why it's important to you that women know more about pleasure and embodiment, and what is that? Yeah.
Speaker 3:Okay, so let's start with the why. So why do we need to, I guess, understand pleasure and embodiment and why do we need it in our own lives? And a lot of that is because we are taught to exist from a very masculine perspective, which is in our head as opposed to our body. So when we think about pleasure and embodiment, that means that we need to have this really deep understanding of our body and our body. So when we think about pleasure and embodiment, that means that we need to have this really deep understanding of our body and our desires. But a lot of the time, we are operating from a very disconnected place and just mostly from a head space. We're in our heads, we've constantly got thoughts churning around, and we live in also such a fast paced world that we don't give ourselves enough time to even really properly process those head thoughts as well. And so the reason why I'm so passionate about pleasure and embodiment and why we want to integrate, that is because it's causes us to slow down, firstly in a really fast paced environments environment. So it causes us to slow down, and then what happens is we begin to start to notice things that are actually going on in our body and how we feel, and we can tune in to what our body might be telling us, what we might be wanting to do, what we might not be wanting to do, and that can be like in a whole range of environments If we're talking, you know, specifically in relationships.
Speaker 3:Here we can be more in tune with, like what we desire when it comes to sex, when it comes to pleasure, and so that's why, for me, pleasure and embodiment is so key, because it actually it's not just for our intimate moments, it's actually for our entire life. And for myself, I actually started off in this work mostly around sort of like sex and intimacy, but then I began to realize how much it flowed into like the rest of my life, and that's when I saw, like the really deep importance of it, and that's what I actually really highlighted for me, things that I was passionate about, that I didn't realize I was passionate about, or career choices that I wanted to make and, you know, beliefs that I wanted to have. It's so interwoven into our entire being that, yeah, it's really.
Speaker 1:I think it's really important that we understand that yeah, even as you're saying it, I'm like, even with, like, shadow work, it's like all interconnected and I feel like a lot of people's journeys is like. For me especially, it was like that's the connection to my body, that wasn't even listening. And then, like now that I've, you know, had a few years of like, really listening, but like, okay, what is the? What is the step that I'm missing? And it is the pleasure piece because, like and you said it, it's in day-to-day life, when we get into personal development, a lot of us become really negatively geared.
Speaker 1:Right, we're always looking at the things that we're not doing, the things that we have not yet achieved or the things that we still need to work on, instead of going well, where's the celebration? Where are the micro moments of joy and even the bigger moments of joy? And I noticed the switch in me when I started to realize how negatively geared I was. And then moving into more of that like sounds really simple. But like that gratefulness yeah, the gratitude piece and listening to when my body is actually really relaxed and really safe and really calm, and noticing that when I'm having a day where I'm really safe and relaxed and my, my sensations in my body are telling me that everything's okay. I do have more space for pleasure. That's right, and it's kind of like I feel like it's the lead up right. It is, yeah, especially with pleasure in regards to intimacy, your sensations throughout the day are going to help you be more present when it is time for those intimate moments.
Speaker 1:And you mentioned like fast pace. I'm like we really do live in a society where you need to achieve, you need to be doing more and more and more and more, when that's actually not what helps you. You want to be connected to your body, but you refuse to stop and listen. Yeah, you have to, so yeah for you. I guess. Was there a time where you really saw that you were too fast paced? And how did you shift from that into that slower, more Like? Was there a pivotal moment for you where it was just like I need to slow down here?
Speaker 3:That's a really great question. When I realized it probably wasn't so much that I realized I was going fast paced. It was probably more that I realized I was going fast paced. It was probably more that I realized I wasn't really connected to my feminine, and so the feminine is what we connect to the slowness, and so that was sort of the lens that I came into. All of this through was connecting to my feminine and really taking on a lot more feminine qualities. A lot of the movement came through that, like moving my body in really soft and feminine ways, and so that was like my gateway into really slowing down and starting to learn about my body.
Speaker 3:Mine was coupled with I don't know if I can't remember if we spoke about this in the first podcast.
Speaker 3:We did, but for anyone that doesn't know, I did experience vaginismus quite a few years ago, and so when I was working through that piece, I also had to slow down because I needed to get to know my body and help my body understand pleasure, um, as opposed to keep thinking that, um, intimate moments were pain, and so that was pieced with that.
Speaker 3:Um, but the, the feminine, was really what pushed me into slowing down, because I wanted to feel more of myself. I wanted to feel the pleasure that I was meant to be feeling, um, and so that's really why I stepped into the slowness and then, as I started to see like the rewards, I guess you could say from that, just even in day-to-day life, I felt actually a lot of less anxiety. I even felt a lot less like financial stress and things like that. So there's a lot of ways that it integrates into our life. That's not just about, like the typical sex pleasure pieces. I found slowing down gave me more capacity to be present in a lot of other areas of my life that I wasn't feeling present in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, was there any struggle with the slowdown? Because even for me and like listening to that, I'm like still that part of me that's like don't slow down too much though, right, you don't want people to see that you don't do anything, you don't want you Do. You know what I mean. And obviously slowing down doesn't mean not doing anything. It just means like taking that time, time. And for a woman who is like the hustler, the striver, that the, the achiever, was there any part of you that really, really struggled with the slowdown?
Speaker 3:um, yes, and I still do. Yeah, um, uh, yeah, it's. Slowing down is hard because, especially the type of world we live in today, there's so much social media that we're tuned into all the time and we're seeing what everybody else is achieving, and so we think that that means that they achieve that maybe by going fast paced, but we don't see the backgrounds of how they achieve what they achieve, and so I think there is a lot of misconception misconceptions that if we slow down, we're going to miss out, and so it is about rewiring our thinking to know that slowing down doesn't mean we're going to miss out. Slowing down just actually means we're giving ourselves a bit of breathing space so that we're not just jumping from one thing to the next or, like you said before, we're not having a moment to like celebrate the wins, we're just like, cool, that's done, tick next thing. So slowing down is hard because we're going against the grain, we're trying to do something that the rest of society isn't trying to do.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and part of that is and I and I know you, you talk about this within your uh membership it's, you know, starting to pay attention to your menstrual cycle and work out you know where? Where are the times that you might need to slow down? And it could be just starting small like that, and choosing that if you have the capacity to do less when you're on your period for that month. Um, slowing down doesn't have to look like dropping literally every responsibility that you have. Um, it's it's just about finding one thing to start with and then, slowly, the rest will become easier and easier. But if you don't start somewhere, then it'll just constantly feel like slowing down is too much because it's again.
Speaker 1:it's something that we're going against in society yeah, and I even just going against with your nervous system as well, because if you're so used to the chaos and this is 100% me if you're so used to the chaos and the constant going and the slowdown can feel really dysregulating. Yes, right, because like even that fast-paced life, that can also be like the fight response. Yeah, so it's like noticing, like when you do start to slow down or when I don't even know if it's like slow down we're talking about. To be honest, it's about being present yes, yes, that's right, it is.
Speaker 3:It's when you think about slowing down. It's not maybe not like the physical sense of slowing down. It's learning how to be present in your body. It's learning how to be regulated. How do I identify when you're disconnected from yourself, when maybe your anxiety is peaking? What do you need to bring yourself back down, grounded again? It's being able to notice, and so that's why I often say like the first step is slowing down, because if you can slow down, a bit like slow down the thoughts, slow down what's going on in your headspace, then you're going to begin to notice where is it that you need to support yourself more?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think also like the biggest thing that I've been seeing in, like the personal development and maybe as well, is like this there's always these regulation techniques and you know, be regulated and don't come out of a place of dysregulation. But the other piece with being present is noticing how you move in the dysregulation. Right, because if you're constantly having to regulate, there's something else going on here. Right, you shouldn't need to be doing 20 different regulation techniques a day because your anxiety is peaking, going cool, instead of me trying to bandaid it with regulation. How can I move with this?
Speaker 1:Right now, I'm dysregulated for a reason. There's something. My body doesn't feel safe because our nervous system is our operating system. That's right. Right, and even like going into the menstrual cycle you will have worse menstrual cycles the more dysregulated you are. Yes, you will have worse menstrual cycles the more dysregulated you are. Yes, so, like what you mean, like pros and cons of this is like being present with yourself, because for me, I've like suffered with endometriosis for a really long time and even the biggest thing in the last 12 months has been my PMDD, yeah, and it's like instead of me trying to push it and make sure that I'm like super regulated, how can I just move with it? And I noticed that I'm like super regulated, how can I just move with it? And I noticed that the more I let go and the more I move with it, the less like I don't even know the right word for it.
Speaker 1:Like the reactive I be.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, yeah. So, like the last couple of months being pretty brutal for my PMDD and I just like go cool, what do I actually need Instead of going DD? And I just like go cool, what do I actually need instead of going. How can I make sure that, like I don't get super depressed or I don't have these thoughts? How can I just let it happen interesting, just be with my body and then move? Yeah, and it's only last for three days and in those three days I'm like cool. Um, I messaged Matt to be like hey, just let you know that I'm like three days out. Yeah, he's like sweet, you, let me know what you need.
Speaker 1:I don't schedule particular like clients those days. I don't have like lots of different things. I check the weather and see if I can schedule in a walk. Like I make sure that those things are good for me, because I'm like well, I don't want to sit here the entire weekend and try and push against something that's already going to be here. Yeah, that's right, you against something that's already going to be here.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's right, you can't stop it. So how can you embrace it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and this cycle was really interesting because the other thing that I love about the menstrual cycle is the month before can be a reflection of the month you're going to have Interesting. So, like for me, when it was coming to my endo, like I had a really bad period in August, september, when we went away to Canada and I knew it was coming right Because in that month I had done a retreat planned for a retreat planned for Canada. I think there was. There was something else going on in that time. There was a big event and I just didn't stop and Matt was just like, when are you gonna, when are you gonna have a break? And I was like when I get to Canada, okay, I'll just like smash all of it out right now so that when I'm in Canada, I can have a break.
Speaker 1:And then I get to Canada and I get my period and I'm like, holy mother of God, yeah, this is the worst period I've had in a long time. Yeah, because I knew that my body had burnt out. Yeah, the the, the pros of like actually just being present with your body and knowing when it's time to slow down is so important. And like, if anyone's seen recycle hormones, it's wild compared to men's. Yes, yes, right, like so it's like. How can I just like flow with it? I think the other piece of the femininity, and even pleasure, is like float, yes, and speaking of femininity, and for you, I guess, with pleasure, like if, if you were to meet a woman who was struggling with pleasure, what would be the first steps for you? What, what questions would you ask them?
Speaker 3:um, if they were struggling with pleasure, I would. My first question would be well, are you connected to your body? And if you know, if they're saying, if they're like, oh no, you know, and if a lot of the time when I'm working with women and they're talking about pleasure, they're usually talking about sexual pleasure, they're struggling to orgasm, they don't have much of a libido, um, so usually it's in a, it's in that sort of context, and so usually my first question is okay, well, are you connected to your body? And most of the time the answer is no. And then I say, well, do you track your cycle? No, I don't track my cycle, and so these are all things that play a part in feeling pleasure. And so they're sort of the first two questions. And so then from there I go okay, we're going to start at the beginning and that's learning how to connect to our body because, when we can learn how to connect to our body.
Speaker 3:That's when we can start to feel pleasure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't believe we can feel pleasure without being connected to our body yeah, and for somebody like to us, when someone says connection to your body, we're like, yeah, that makes total sense. For somebody who, to us, when someone says connection to your body, we're like, yeah, that makes total sense. For somebody who has no idea what we're talking about, what does that actually look like? What does that actually feel like? What does that mean? Because I know that it just makes sense to us now because we are connected.
Speaker 3:True being connected to our body looks. There's a lot of different things that I think being connected to our body looks. There's a lot of different things that I think are being connected to our body can look like, and for me, it looks very different every single day. Especially now that I'm a mom as well, it looks incredibly different. Um, but being connected to your body means that you can hear and feel the ebbs and flows as to what's going on, and so that might be.
Speaker 3:You wake up in the morning and you instantly know if you feel connected. Or maybe you feel like you had a really bad sleep and you can already feel the aches that have come from that and you go hmm, what do I need now? What do I need to start my day? Do I need to do a quick stretch before I do anything? You know, if you're a parent, get the kids involved, that sort of stuff. Um, it might be. Oh okay, why? Why am I've got an ache in my lower back? Oh well, that's because I'm about, you know, to get my period, and that's a sign that I'm, you know, getting my period.
Speaker 3:And so for me, that's what being connected to my body means it's feeling the little things that give me an inkling as to what's going on, um, and sort of like. I was talking to you earlier before we started recording. You know I've been getting so many messages not necessarily, actually, I will say, from my body as well, but I haven't been listening to them but I've been getting a lot of messages about me needing to slow down more and just focusing on the things that I've committed to in this current like season of my life of motherhood and study and um, so I've been getting external messages, but, interestingly, my last few periods have been very, quite painful, um, and I haven't had them to that degree since, like before kids kind of times, um, or probably even later, and um, and I, as soon as I started getting these, I was like something's not right.
Speaker 3:I was like something is not right in my body, something's not right in my life, because, yeah, I'm getting these really painful, excruciating periods that are putting me in bed all day, like you know. I'm like this is not normal for me, this is not normal for my body. So what's out of sync here? And it's like you said before, you know, our um period can, can speak to us, and so they're the, they're like, they're the tangible things that comes to being connected to our body, that we can hear and listen to. But if we're not slowing down, we're not going to see the patterns, yeah, which we're not going to see, the the thing.
Speaker 1:You know, the only reason that I recognize that my last few cycles were really painful is because I I'm tuned into my body so I can choose to listen or ignore it yeah, and it's so funny because even before recording, I mentioned, like in the broadcast channel that I have is I wrote a piece today and it was a bit more of a personal share about how I I stopped listening to my body, so my body became louder. Yeah, right, so like this can be like with your menstrual cycle and that constant fatigue and for me, what like I feel like I'm healthier now than when I was, like when I was 20, but like when I was 20 there was like joint pain. I remember actually going for like a full body scan because I'm like, I'm in pain all of the time and it's because my body just kept getting louder, because I wasn't actually listening. The other side of like listening to our body is like the sensations and oh, he just wants the laptop.
Speaker 3:Oh, he's mad.
Speaker 1:He doesn't have the laptop, that's so funny, yeah, but it's like, like you said, listening to the pattern. If you're constantly hanging out with friends and your body is like shut down, all the sensations are like telling you to run. There's, there's a theme here and you're trying to listen to your body instead of you're going no, no, it's just me overreacting. And I think that's something also with like society like they like to make our emotions and our sensations wrong because it's not normal to them. But it's my body's way of going. Hey, this is not okay.
Speaker 1:And even, like, when we're talking about it, um, I was talking to jazz earlier about how I feel like the most regulated I have been in my entire life and I've even noticed, like the, the safety in intimacy that I feel right. So, for me, I've had a lot of trauma around, um, you know, sexual assault and whatnot. So my body has been, like you know, clinging on to, like trying to be still very present to what's happening around in my surroundings when I, when I have those intimate moments, moments. But I've noticed lately that I'm able to be more present and, um, you know, have more pleasure in those moments, and this is not just like in the orgasm itself, but it's like the lead-up yeah and also like the post.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, and it's like so interesting how, instead of me just focusing on cool, right, I don't want to go to jazz and be like, hey, I can't orgasm and fix that. Well, what's actually not working in my day-to-day life right now? What am I not doing? What am I taking care of myself? Am I like? You know, even communication and relationships is really important with all of this. So if you're struggling with that, like what jazz was saying before is like what else is happening, what else you're not listening to? And for the women who are wanting to have, you know, like I know, last time we spoke about like sex versus intimacy. But for the women who are wanting to have, you know, better sex, better intimacy, better pleasure, and they're starting to connect to their body. What would be the next step?
Speaker 3:yeah, so we spoke about. You know, if you're wanting more pleasure, it's really important to be start by connecting to your body. So that's that's definitely number one. If you're wanting more pleasure, you need to connect to your body. And if you're wanting to have better sex, if you're wanting to have a higher libido, if you're wanting to have better orgasms, you also need to be connected to your body as well.
Speaker 3:When, when it comes to sex, a lot of the times we're trying to enjoy the moment but be in our head at the same time and unfortunately, it's just this sort of natural trait that a lot of women have we have a list going on in our head. All of a sudden, our brain goes oh, you forgot to pull the clothes out of the washing machine. It's's like, really Right now, right now, you need to tell me this, you know, but that can completely derail how much pleasure we're feeling at that time. And so if you're wanting to feel more pleasure, you're wanting to increase your libido, you need to start by knowing how to connect to your body, and so that looks like knowing some really simple ways that you can bring yourself back into your body. And one thing that I have worked with clients on in the past is you know, if you're in the middle of an intimate moment with your partner and you get a foreign thought or something that makes you feel out of your body or out of what's, out of the moment that's happening. A really important thing is to ask to pause and to just say hey, I just feel a bit disconnected. Can we just take a minute to reconnect? And that might be like slowing down what you're doing and just going back to kissing, or that might be just taking some deep breaths together so that you can bring yourself back into the moment again. Um, and so that's a that's a really key element when it comes to being able to to continue to experience pleasure.
Speaker 3:When we are looking at like increasing our libido, you know, so we can desire sex more often we really need to look at what's going on in our life. It's not just a simple like oh, am I super disconnected to my body and that's why I'm not feeling my libido? Is that why I don't have a high libido, like the person next door that I know? You know, we need to look at like, what's our mental capacity? Like, are we mentally overloaded with things that are going on in our life whether it's family, work, business, you know, study we need to think okay, is there too much mentally going on? Do I need to? Like you, you know, is the mental load taking over so that the desire for sex and pleasure is being squashed, and so that's a really important piece that we want to look at when it comes to increasing our libido.
Speaker 3:A lot of the time I see, you know, like on the local mom's group, I, I, just have no libido. What can I take to fix it? But there's no magic pill for this. It's about. It's about partnering, like you know, if you're in a long-term relationship, it's a joint effort so that both parties are desiring sex at the same time, and that means your partner carrying the load for the household as well.
Speaker 3:Whether you've got kids or not, the reality is in a, particularly in australia, the stats are that, like, women carry like 80 more of the home load than the men do. So why do we want less sex? Well, because we've got too much to do on our to-do list, and so it's looking at those elements as well, and so it's not. There's no, like it's when it's hard. I find that a bit hard sometimes when these questions get asked because there's not like one magic way to resolve it. There's. There's a lot of elements you've got to look at when it comes to increasing your libido and increasing your pleasure and feeling orgasm yeah, and I think you just hit the nail on the head, though, is because every single person on this earth is so individual.
Speaker 1:Yes, collective themed, but you're you're saying like there's so many individual factors, but people are wanting to have that one pill. Well, that one pill isn't going to change the individual factors. It's not going to change the individual factors, it's not going to change the home load, it's not going to change the thoughts in your head. It's not going to change any of that. That's right, and yeah, I think the the other thing that really comes to me as well is for, like the women, instantly, when you were saying there was a part of me that got, was like I don't know if I would be able to do that, even though though I know I can. Like pausing the intimacy and going, hey, I actually just need to like, we just need to reconnect, and I think that if you were to get a little bit activated by that, that's already a big thing. If you're not able to stop midway through, regardless of where you're at, and be like hey, actually, this is what I need to happen, happen, then there may be something in the relationship that needs to be communicated, because I knew that I was like holding a lot, of, a lot of stuff in my brain and I was like you know what? It's my responsibility to hold that. But like, if you're in a partnership, it's like opening up the communication, opening up the floodgates.
Speaker 1:Like Matt and I we are very chalk and cheese sometimes, honestly, the way we, way we think, the way we move, and I just remember being like I'm just going to actually run you through right now what goes through my head, and this is going to be like a 30-second downplay, and by the end of the 30 seconds he was like, oh shit, and I'm like, yeah, that's what goes through my head, and then trying to pair that with like intimacy and, you know, trying to get to that orgasm, I'm like this is not happening.
Speaker 1:And so it's like, if you're not able to stop halfway through with your partner, maybe you need to be having a conversation prior, maybe you need to be having more communication about what's actually happening. Because, yes, for me, in our household, I do all of it. Yeah, right, I run the business, but I also run the household and me two years ago would have just like hated that where I actually have capacity to do all of that because I also feel appreciated absolutely right, so like I can actually have all of that I can do the housework.
Speaker 1:I can do the business. I can do all of that, but my needs are still getting met, because one I'm able to. This is the thing of coming back to your body. I know what I want yes I listen to my body and go I know I don't want, yeah. So the next piece here is can I tell my partner that? Do I feel safe to tell my partner that?
Speaker 3:and I think there's a difference.
Speaker 3:You know, if we're looking at, say, a female having a bit more of a traditional role in the house, like looking, looking after the family maybe you're trying to grow a business at the same time but I think there's a difference between choosing to be that person in the house as opposed to just being the automatic person that looks after everything.
Speaker 3:And it's the same for me, like I am the one that's at home right now, so it is my, we have decided, it is my role to do these things. And sometimes that means for Dan that he's got to help me get that little bit further to be able to be intimate, because my brain might be full of all sorts of different things that you know we have to do or have to do, and so it's like, okay, well, how, how can we make sure that? You know I'm going to be able to clear my headspace, to get where I need to be? Yeah, so we can have those intimate moments. So it's a, it's a partnership, like one person, I think when you're in a long-term relationship and you've got a lot of life happening, it's not just, oh, I have to get myself there to be wanting to have sex and experience pleasure and orgasm. It's, it's like sex is a team effort.
Speaker 1:It's a team effort to get there and make it happen as well yeah, and I think that and the other thing, even when you mentioned long term, and this is, I've actually blocked a few people on TikTok because they really do something to me, but like the whole narrative of you have to have sex so many times a week to be in a healthy relationship yeah, I know that you were gonna be like oh great, I feel like.
Speaker 3:I feel like we rate. I feel like we ranted about this in the last um episode that we did, but I will absolutely rate again and it's like there's no right or wrong time to be having sex.
Speaker 3:You have sex when it feels good for you. If that's once a week and you both feel amazing and connected, brilliant, love it for you. If that's five times a week, great, great, love it for you as well. But no one can tell you how many times you should be having sex because both in male and female people our libidos are so different, so there's no right or wrong way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I even think of it as this way Like you've got two people and you're in a long-term relationship and it's like seasons, right, and the other thing is you're not going to have the same libido at the same time.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that's the most annoying part. Okay, of course, like when you go through that stage of like I just want it all the time and your partner's just like I don't want, even want to be anywhere near anybody, and like because Matt is somebody who, who recharges when he's by himself and I am by myself all day, because people have lives and I work from home, so, and it doesn't really work. But I think it comes back down to like the amount of just sitting here thinking and the amount of conversations that we actually have around it being like and he has to be. This is the other side of things. We can always be like. Yeah, look, we need to tell our partner, but we also need to to listen to our partner as well right because they also hold a lot of different things and unfortunately, we're not mind readers.
Speaker 1:So for me I'm like cool, how can I create more safety, not just in my body but in my relationship? And nine times out of ten that comes from me actually having to listen to the whole sentence. Yeah, because I'm really great at like going well, that word, that I heard that word and I didn't hear any other words, and then I take things out of context. Um, but yeah, I just really wanted to drop that in, because a lot of the time I feel like we're like yeah, cool, what is the other person not doing? And I'm like well, it's a mirror yeah, absolutely what am I not doing?
Speaker 1:am I actually communicating to my partner that I feel really overwhelmed and the thought of having to be intimate right now makes me want to put my head through a brick wall, yeah, or can I just meet myself? Where I'm at right now, and something that Matt and I did a little while was I was definitely not like and I went through a huge identity crisis about this, so like I was definitely somebody who used sex as validation that everything was okay, one of those ones and that was really hard when I had a libido drop, because in every relationship that I had been in, I was always the high libido not realizing that probably wasn't even high libido. It was like, wow, I need fucking validation today. So for me, I had a libido drop last year and it was like the world was burning because I was like, oh my God, there's something wrong with me. And I had to sit there to Matt and be like hey, I know I've always been this way, but I'm not.
Speaker 1:And the thought of you touching me or anyone for that fact, like even my children, like I've always been more of that anxious attachment, physical touch, and for the first time in my life, I'm like no one fucking touched me no one breath time in my life. I'm like no one fucking touched me, no one breathing my direction, and it was the worst thing, because I'm just like, well, what happens if we're not intimate? What happens if we? And so it was just finding things that it was like really cool to talk on our last chat about like intimacy, right. So it's like cool, how can I still receive pleasure might not be in the form of an orgasm- yeah but how can I still receive that?
Speaker 1:and we have to have that conversation and I'm sitting here going oh my god, this is the worst thing ever and it's just like, oh cool, you'll come back when it's it's ready. Yes, right, because the more you put pressure on having the low libido, the more it's going to stay low.
Speaker 3:Yes, yes, that's right. I have said this to clients many a time. You know if you are trying to make yourself orgasm, your orgasm is going in the opposite direction. You cannot make yourself do it. You have to get out of your head, you have to drop into your body, you have to be fully in the moment, you have to let it all happen and trust the process. And then the other key element is fucking breathe, breathe, yeah yeah. I also like this.
Speaker 1:Move through your body. I just had a thought then as well, of like everyone is so like worried about the actual orgasm and yes, it's fucking wonderful, right, yeah, but like you kind of forget, you have to get there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, totally.
Speaker 1:So like, why are you just like skipping out on the enjoyment part? Yes, Because that's the fun part. And like, yeah, cool orgasm happens. And like maybe somebody that can do it again and again, and again. For some people we're just like cool one and done, that's it. See you later. Yeah, but what's the point of like having that intimacy if that's, if that's what we're really worried about? So for, like, I guess, with the women that you've worked with in the past who have struggled with with the orgasming, are they actually intimate to begin with or are they just really just trying to achieve that one thing? Have you noticed a theme around that?
Speaker 3:um, they are intimate, um, but a lot of the time they just have been so disconnected to their bodies that they just don't know how to start connecting to their body. They're maybe more career-driven women, so they're just in that masculine element 90 percent of the time. And so then, when it comes to the 10, when they want to be intimate with their partner, it's so foreign on how to get into their body so they're just not aware of the elements that they need to know to connect to their body. Or the one of the other elements that is quite um frequent is they've just faked it for so long that they just don't know how to stop. Or they've been with their long-term partner and they have been faking it with that long-term partner and now they're like, oh, I kind of don't want to fake it anymore, but they don't. They haven't communicated that to their partner. So there's this really, like you know, fine line of you know they haven't been honest with their partner for so long in terms of their pleasure, and now they want to be, but they're worried about the relationship breakdown. Or how can they try and get connected to their body and, you know, maybe not even communicate to their partner that they were faking it and they're just trying to get over that hurdle and move forward. So there can be so many things that play a part in this.
Speaker 3:Um, but yeah, it's, the biggest key is is knowing how to connect to your body. There's so many practices out there to connect to your body, to get into your body and it can you know, for anyone who maybe has never done this before it could, it can probably seem really overwhelming, and I remember for myself it seemed really overwhelming when I first was starting on this journey, but the coach that I worked with at the time really broke it down into like small little things and there was lots of elements that we worked with and, slowly by slowly, we chipped away at it. And so I think that's a really important part to remember when it comes to this work is it's not necessarily going to be this overnight flick where, all of a sudden, you're connected to your body. I liken it to like a drip feed effect. If you choose one thing every day, slowly, day, slowly, slowly, you're going to start to adopt these things into your body and how you do things, and then eventually you'll just start doing it and you didn't, don't, you don't realize that you're doing it because it's become first nature for you.
Speaker 3:Now, connecting to your body is such a natural thing for you to be doing that you'll notice when you're actually not connected to your body, as opposed to when you when um like, yeah, you'll notice when you're not connected to your body by like a tiny inch. You know, like similar to what I shared before, you know I had been getting um cramp, like a lot more cramps with my period, and not instantly I was like, oh, I'm, something's not right here. You know, I haven't been taking the time that I need to connect, or I haven't been nurturing my body, or I haven't been honoring my body in different ways, um, and so they're like, they're the little things that we get to look out for when we know how to connect to our body, and then we understand how our body ticks, uh and it. It all goes hand in hand. Like we've said this so many times on this chat, there's so many elements that connecting to your body and pleasure plays into not only but intimate moments, but also outside intimacy as well, and that's the that's like.
Speaker 1:That's like the real benefit of being connected to your body is it's not just one thing in your life that changes it's everything that starts to change yeah, 100, and even like when you were talking about it, like the thing with embodiment is you see so much on social media and even I posted the other day a snippet of my embodiments because they're very different to how they used to be and like when you were talking about like bit by bit. So for somebody who has not started connecting to their body and we obviously spoke about how there's so many different practices what are your like go-to practices for somebody who is so new to connecting?
Speaker 3:yeah, totally so. A beautiful baseline connecting to your body practice that I literally tell anybody who wants to hear it is um, it's just a real simple exercise that you can do wherever you are. You can do it in the car, you can do it at work, you can do it when you're in public transport, like where, literally wherever you are, you can do it. And it's simple as like just stopping what you're doing and putting your phone down and sitting still and then taking a few deep breaths so you can start to feel what's going on in your body. Doing a body scan, which is like usually you start from the top of your head, slowly identifying all the parts of your body all the way down until you get to your toes, and then, once you've done that and you've noticed all those parts in your body, then I get you to find somewhere in your body that feels warm, that feels good, that feels really nice and that might, you know, most people. It's sort of like in their chest area, but like it could be in your belly, or maybe it's like somewhere on your head or somewhere else. And when you identify that spot, you want to tune into what that feels like so you can start to remember that feeling. And so now what you're going to do is you're going to start to breathe into that warmth and that goodness that you can feel in your body, and when you have breathed in that and you feel like you've gotten enough of it, then you can, you know, come out of this moment and open your eyes again and sort of resume what you're doing. But this is a real baseline way to start to drop into your body so that you can start to do bigger ways of dropping into your body. Another really easy way to drop into your body, but maybe not as easy to do wherever you are, is like putting on your favorite song and just moving your body, closing your eyes and letting your body do what it wants to do. Closing your eyes helps because it means you're not going to judge yourself, you're not going to look at how you're moving and criticise what's going on. So closing your eyes helps you just to move your body and to feel what that feels like.
Speaker 3:Maybe you start moving your hips more, and that's because, like all our you know, pleasure is stored in our hips, in our pelvic space, and so maybe you want to move that around, and so that's another really powerful way that we can really start to connect into our body, because music can be so up and down. It could be really soft and flowy and gentle, it could be so grungy and maybe you just want to punch everything and get all that frustration out. Or maybe you're feeling really sexy and sensual and so maybe you want to move really slowly and erotically. Um, and there's some really simple but key ways that you can start to feel what it's like to connect to your body, as well as also starting to track your cycle. That's a real like. You just have to track your cycle if you're wanting to know things about your body, if you want to know the little ebbs and flows, if you want to know your highs and your lows and all that sort of stuff when you're most productive, when you're not most productive.
Speaker 1:Like, track your cycle yeah, I love all of that, literally, as you're talking, I'm like I love embodiment so much and that's the difference, like with Steph and I. Steph is so like she knows her shit, she's the habit queen. All of that and like the identity that I've stepped into lately is so much more embodiment because I just love the somatic side of things and I love being listening to my body and also like just meeting with compassion and even you did the body scan and I love the other side of that as well is to feel like what is really present negatively.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:Yes, that's right as well, yeah.
Speaker 1:What's there that you don't like? Yeah, and it shows you what you need to shift. Yeah, and it's so interesting the more that you connect yourself, the easier your decision-making gets, the easier that your trust gets easier. That pleasure comes and love and and all of those things. Because, um, literally I was just doing an embodiment the other night. I don't do like big ones all the time, but I had space and I was like there's no one here and it's night time, which is nice and I was putting on music and I was doing this embodiment and I had this moment where I'm like, holy shit, like this is actually my body and I like for so long I've been so disconnected and having so much trauma around it, I was just like I'm actually so deeply connected to this that I can tell when there's something wrong yeah that's right and like.
Speaker 1:It's the same thing of like, you know, when you you meet somebody and you get that weird feeling, you also need to listen to that because that's your body going. There's something here, yes, something's off.
Speaker 1:And the ways that we become like the other side, the ways that we stop being disconnected and this is just from my experience is when I, when I don't listen to that feeling yeah, that's right when I, when I don't listen to, hey, this person like doesn't feel great, right, or I, when you can feel that you're getting sick but you decide, no, I'm still going to go and do all of these things even though I'm run down, like it's in the decision making, like if you don't listen to something, like, oh, I knew that was going to happen. Well, if you knew that was going to happen, you ignored your body's cues and so I guess, apart from like the if there's any other, I guess, themes that you see, apart from being like the fast pace and and the success driven of like trying to achieve so much, is there any other ways that you notice that women are disconnecting from themselves right now?
Speaker 3:I think one of the biggest ways that women disconnect for themselves is like not understanding their value and their worth, self, self-worth, self-value is so big in being connected to ourself. Because if we don't think we're valuable, then why are we going to choose to connect to our body? Our internal thought process is well, I'm not worth that time. And that comes from so many things. Whether it's the way that you were raised, it can come from little traumas, big traumas. Um, there are so many ways that our self-worth can be absolutely diminished.
Speaker 3:But that's our missing link, that's our power is knowing how much value and worth that we hold. And if you can value yourself, then you can value that. You need to be connected to your body because your body is going to speak to you. It, your body holds so much truth, our intuition, like when we talk about our body speaking to us, like that's talking about our intuition, that's our inner wisdom voice which is going to guide us in so many areas of our life. And so if we're feeling, you know, not satisfied in the current career choice or study choice, if we're feeling really unsatisfied in our relationships, if we're not feeling happy with life, if we're feeling really down all the time let's look at do you value yourself? Are you choosing yourself?
Speaker 3:Because if you're not choosing yourself and you're constantly putting yourself last because you think that you need to help everybody else, then that's a moment for you to start going. Well, I am worth more and it is worth like I am worth it for me to get to know my body and choose me, and that's a big part of it is choosing you. You, you have to choose yourself to do this work. You can't choose to do this and then, kind of like, not really do it. That's not going to get you where you want to go. If, yeah, if this is the kind of if this, if you want to be a feminine, embodied, fulfilled woman, you have to treat yourself every single day.
Speaker 1:That's what I'll say to that yeah, and it's so hard because, like there's so many different shadows and belief systems, that kind of like stop us from doing that, and it's like and especially with the.
Speaker 1:You know, the conditioning, especially my conditioning growing up, was like that when you become a mom, like that's, that's your identity and the women that I work with is like I want you to. I do want you to have better relationships. I want you to have better sex and pleasure and and trust, as well as presence with your children. But if you can't be present with yourself and if you can't trust your decision making or have pleasure in your own life, how are you meant to give and receive that right? So it's like and it's not, we're not talking about like we want you to go and book a fucking ticket every week to go away. It's like those little moments of like hang on, kids, I'm just gonna have that hot coffee, or that's right, yeah communicating to your partner.
Speaker 1:Hey, I'm really not in the mood, but like, like Matt and I are in a season of like scheduling things because I'm like we're just really busy yeah, right, and there's something wrong with that. And I'm like, hey, we haven't been intimate lately and I kind of miss that, so can we like schedule this in? And he's like, yeah, that's right. Yeah, those are the things that I choose for myself. And how are you meant to have like pleasure if you don't even know your body and what it wants?
Speaker 3:100%. That's the thing, and I think that's why, when we first started this conversation, I was like you have to be connected to your body if you want to feel pleasure. You want to feel like true, deep, genuine pleasure, like full-bodied pleasure. You need to know how to connect to your body. That's where you'll find it. You might find inklings of pleasure if you're not connected to your body. That's definitely possible.
Speaker 1:But if you want that deep, pleasurable feeling that you're desiring, it comes from being connected to your body yeah, I think, even when you were saying that, like the biggest thing that I see in the women as well as like those tiny micro moments of pleasure, and then, because they're so far and few in between, they're chasing it where, like that, that full body pleasure that you're talking like the embodied of being feminine is that we know it's coming, that's right and we know where to find it if we need it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's right there, like we know what we want, we know how to get it and we know that it's coming.
Speaker 3:Right, that's like the secret, that's like the key, that's the key. Yeah, and that's the power that it holds yeah.
Speaker 1:And it comes from trust, as well, yeah, absolutely yeah, and self-respect and that value that you were talking about. Like, for me it's been so interesting talking to a few like. I've had a new one-to-one client come on and she's the perfect mirror for like how I used to be there. You go and I'm like these things are so interesting of how, how simple that's, the drip feeding. I didn't just, like you know, wake up one morning and feel embodied. It's taking me like two years of like, yeah, like constant work.
Speaker 3:You have to choose yourself and you have to choose yourself every single day. Like it's easy for me to be embodied now because I've been doing it for so long, and it's so easy for me to notice when I'm not connected to myself. Um, because I know what it's like to be connected. But when I was first doing it, you know it took a lot of work, took a lot of conscious practice every single day to be like, no, I'm choosing to be connected to myself right now. Um, that's what it is. And then eventually it'll get easier and easier and it becomes first nature, like I said, and then soon you will, you'll not, sort of realize you're just doing it without thinking about it yeah, I understand, and even the gift of, like you, being not fully listening, right, it shows you.
Speaker 1:I think we need to have those moments where we're lack of that disconnection to ourselves, because it's like, oh, oh, I know when I'm I'm connected and I know when I'm disconnected, and this is what I've done that led me to here. So how can I change that for next time? It's like when someone you know has a pattern and then they break the pattern and they fall back into it, that's okay you've just extended the pattern, a lot of people trying to eradicate that, and I even um, I think I created a reel about burnout.
Speaker 1:I don't know if it's been posted yet or not, but like I had the, the burnout pattern, and it was like when I was younger, like in my early 20s, it was like every month I'd be sick, I'd be sick, I'd be sick, I'd see doctors all the time and then I think, uh, 18 months ago I hit like my biggest one, yeah, and I was like I can't do this anymore and I changed things and I hit burnout, probably like three weeks ago, and it wasn't definitely not as big as the last one, but I noticed that like I got sick and my body was run down and I was like super sensitive to everybody and I'm like, oh, I hit burnout and for me it wasn't a like oh, my god, you burnt out. Like that's stupid. It was, oh, instead of it being every month or every six months, it was 18 months this time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's it, and I know how to come out of this and I know how to move and I know what led it to here, yeah, and so I was disconnected for that week and I'm like, cool, what do I actually need to come back? And it is the slowness. It is taking care of myself and going okay. Well, I'm going to meet this. This is the other thing with personal development. Is that when we fall back into a pattern, or we've done something wrong or you know it just didn't work, that failure piece is like we meet it with. Oh my god, I need to fix it right now. How could you do that? Where I'm like, I'm just going to meet this with compassion, absolutely one.
Speaker 1:I didn't have a crystal fucking ball, that would be great. Yeah, I'm gonna lie one drops on my doorstep, I'm not gonna leave it out there. Um, but I didn't know. Yeah, and now I do, yeah, and I'm gonna learn from that and I think that's been the biggest thing that I try and get you know my clients to do. Of like, can I just meet this? Right, okay, maybe you did an orgasm but did. Did you meet what it was? Yeah, that's right. Did you get to have that time with your partner? Did you get to experience something that was beautiful, like?
Speaker 3:was there something you feel connected?
Speaker 1:yeah, or did you forget to communicate prior? Or did you just say yes when you really wanted to say no? Yeah, that's right. So, yeah, I guess the biggest key here is, like that connection to self, and pleasure doesn't just need to be in the form of like sex or intimacy. It's like where else are you able to get pleasure in your day to day-day? Yeah, and jazz, I guess for somebody, a woman that's listening to this, who maybe has not experienced pleasure for a really long time, and maybe they, they are very aware that they're disconnected to their body.
Speaker 3:What would you, what would you're desiring is not selfish if you're desiring to feel more connected and to feel more pleasure. That's not a selfish, self-indulgent feeling. It's something that you deserve as a woman, because pleasure is our birthright. And so give yourself compassion, firstly for these feelings and thoughts that you might have, but then also give yourself permission to start the journey towards what you truly desire, because you've already done the first step, which is listen to that little inkling inside of you that says there has to be more here for me. And that's the first step. And if you can listen to that, then you can make your way to on the journey towards being fully embodied and connected to yourself and experiencing pleasure in all shapes and forms. And it's there and it's available for you. You just have to choose yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so beautiful. Thank you for being here and sharing all of these things, because I know how passionate you are about ensuring that women hear themselves and experience love and joy and pleasure in their lives and that deep connection that you also very much embody. Yeah, I do really appreciate you being here and sharing all of that For the women that are listening. Where can we find your content and your bits and pieces? Because I know that right now you're taking a little break from coaching while mum life and study. Life is wild for you, but where can we find you?
Speaker 3:Well, I am on Instagram as consciously embodied with Jasmine, and there's years and years of resources on that page that I have churned out, so there is so much on there for you to start on this journey. And then I do also have a couple of resources which is linked in my bio through my Instagram. One is a free resource which is about activating your senses and starting to the journey to connecting to your body, and then another one is a paid workbook resource, again on connecting to your body. So that's what I have available for you right now in the current season that I'm in. If anyone wanted to go, have a look.
Speaker 1:Perfect, and I'm sure they will, because you are abundant of knowledge and embodiment. So thank you, thank you for being here.
Speaker 3:Thank you for having me. I really appreciate sharing and talking about this stuff. Yeah, it fulfills me a lot. I really enjoy it.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for joining us. We've absolutely loved being here with you today.
Speaker 1:And if you have enjoyed today's episode as much as we have enjoyed recording it, please leave a review or drop into our DMs. We would love to hear from you.