Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
Real women - slightly unhinged - get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business, relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful, and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
#47 - Unmasking Our Projections: Why We Push Our Feelings Onto Others
"Whose baggage is it anyway?" That's the question at the heart of today's deep dive into projections—those moments when we unconsciously push our feelings, fears, and past wounds onto others.
We explore the fascinating psychology behind why we project our emotions onto those around us and how these projections shape our daily interactions, particularly with our children and partners. Through vulnerable personal stories (including Lorinda's anxiety during her son's math competition that was entirely her own projection), we unpack how our unresolved issues can create unnecessary tension in relationships and even pass our wounds to the next generation.
You'll discover practical tools to recognize when you're projecting rather than responding to what's actually happening. We share specific questions to ask yourself in heated moments, techniques to ground yourself when triggered, and ways to create the essential space between feeling an emotion and reacting to it. These strategies help break the cycle of projection that keeps many of us stuck in repetitive conflicts.
The conversation tackles both sides of emotional expression—how over-analyzing can lead to emotional bypassing while unchecked emotional flooding can hijack meaningful dialogue. We offer balanced approaches to holding both logical awareness and emotional authenticity simultaneously, even during challenging interactions.
Whether you're struggling with parental anxiety, relationship misunderstandings, or simply want to better understand your emotional responses, this episode provides compassionate insight into one of the most common yet rarely discussed patterns in human behavior. By the end, you'll have practical tools to differentiate between your baggage and authentic responses to present situations.
Remember to share this episode with someone who might benefit from understanding their own projection patterns, and drop into our DMs to continue the conversation!
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Welcome to Unhinged and Unfiltered. Who Gave them a Mic. We're your hosts, steph and Lorinda.
Speaker 2:Warning getting triggered is not only accepted but encouraged here. This podcast will dive deep into conversations that make you really think about life. No top level BS here.
Speaker 1:Where real women get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business relationships and everything that comes from life, from airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it. We dive into the messy, beautiful and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Speaker 2:Tune in for unfiltered conversations, practical tips and tools that actually work and are easily applied, and a whole lot of laughs as we navigate the ups and downs of being a woman together. Hello, welcome back to unhinged and unfiltered. Today we wanted to have a bit of a yarn about projections. This is something that lorinda has just been experiencing, but is definitely something that we experience probably daily. Is us putting our meaning or our feelings about a situation onto another person, another situation, another set of circumstances, so it can sound like um, oh, my child is being left out. So this is something that I do. Again, we are not fucking perfect. This is something that I do.
Speaker 2:In my house. I've obviously got three children. Two of them are boys, one is a girl. So it's quite common for the boys to leave their sister out and I will say things like if they're playing a game and they're like, no, you can't play with us, I will go. No, you can't exclude her. How would you feel if the other two were playing and you were being excluded, etc. Etc. My daughter doesn't really care, I don't think. I don't think she cares that much, but because I have been left out in situations and I have felt like the odd one out, especially in situations where there are three. I then project the way that that would make me feel onto that situation and by doing that a lot of the time I'm actually making it worse, because my daughter may not have even noticed. She'd be like, yeah, okay, whatever, they're playing a boring game, anyway, I'll go play with my Barbies. But because I've then pointed out the fact that they are leaving her out, she may then develop that complex herself. Sorry, csl, can I stop doing that?
Speaker 2:But for me there's two different kind of types of projections, or two different types that we're going to speak about today. The first is that situation where you're projecting the way that you would feel onto somebody else. And the second way and this tends to happen more in adult relationships, I think, but can definitely also happen with the kids as they get a little bit older is projecting what somebody else means by something that they've said or done, based off of your internal filters, your experiences, your bias. So that might look something like you know your partner comes home and says like, oh, the house looks good and they might've meant that as a really beautiful compliment. Like I can see that you've been working really hard today, like it looks really great. And then you might go through your little filters in your computer system and go, oh, what are you saying that it doesn't normally Like? Oh, what do you mean by that? Oh, are you saying that I don't normally work hard? So what has meant to have been like the intention? There was a compliment. The intention there was like I can, yeah, I can see that, I can see that you've worked hard at this, or like you look really nice today, or something like that.
Speaker 2:Then you have turned into an attack. And we see this all the time. Honestly, this is like communication 101, because I see this all the time with my clients, where they'll come in and they'll say, oh, my husband said this. And then I was like how dare you say that? And I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, that doesn't sound like an attack to me. I think they were being genuine and they're like, oh, what I'm like? Yeah, I think that was you babe. Yeah, yeah, this stuff's important. It's important to be able to pull out who shit is who's?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I guess, like, the benefit there's always, like benefits to all of this is that when you can see your projection, you can see a lot more clearly, you can start to understand a lot more clearly. And, like, I think it's really important to to see our own wound and I'm and I'm saying, see, like you don't need to heal them straight away, you just need to see them and be aware of them. And that's why sometimes we've you know, we're all about emotion. Sometimes it is really nice to step out of the emotion into the logical, to see the bigger picture that's actually playing out, right, for example, of them walking to the house and saying the house, and saying, oh, the house looks good and your lens and your wound is like that. You like, if you're being triggered by something, that means that in your body there's a little bit of truth to that as well, right? So like, has there been something that you've been feeling and like now that person is seeing it, like, are you afraid that someone's going to see it? Um, because definitely the house stuff is stuff that gets to me as well. Just because my big shame piece around the house was, like when I was in severe depression, I didn't really do anything in the house, where now I like I run the house and if I see something out of place I'm like, oh shit, I can feel that come up. And so, like having these projections, and especially in the personal development, everyone's just like, oh, you're just projecting, oh, you're just projecting one sometimes we're actually not, but that's fine. But two like, yeah, cool, I'm seeing something that needs to be seen right now. So it's like just getting friendly with these projections and like going well, where do I need to clean this up? And I think, uh, the biggest reason we wanted to talk today is because we actually put a lot of projection wounds onto our children, especially like.
Speaker 1:So, like the last few weeks I have been going through it with my own personal development and my son is, you know, he's a very intelligent young boy as well as like there's a lot of similarities between him and I, like you can, just when he speaks, sometimes you're like, yep, that sounds like me and him starting school was like a huge personal development on crack for me, because I wasn't like I had a lot of beliefs around, I'm not really naturally gifted at things and that I had to try really, really hard, which is something that still plays out in my day-to-day life. I have to try really, really hard to get somewhere, and my partner was one of those kids who was like kind of naturally gifted at things, like, oh, it's so annoying, which is triggering itself, but that's not what we're here for. But yeah, so my son was doing a running carnival last year and for me I went to like a really small school. So, to give you an example, if I turned up, I knew I was at least getting a third Because of the age bracket I was in. So I was in the older age bracket but there was only a few of us.
Speaker 1:Well, technically there was three of us. So I'm like cool, all I have to do today is show up and I know that I get third and I'm going to try really hard because I don't really want to get third, because in my head I know that's fucking last. But I'm like I'm going to try really hard where logan, he goes to a school where there's three classes just for the one year, and I was like, oh my god, I remember just like panicking and like all right, but like you, just I just want you to keep running, like you know, move your arms like just, I just want you to keep moving, all right, just keep going. And he's like, yeah, okay, like whatevs. And he did it and little shit paused for a little bit last year and still came 11th and I was like huh, and it was like, as he was running the end line, I was just like, oh, that was me.
Speaker 2:Oopsie daisies.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I see that, and it's very hard like not to project those wounds because you know what it feels like, but then you also need to give them a chance. When we project wounds, it can be like a little bit manipulative because we're like I'm not even going to give you the chance to learn how to respond to this. I'm just going to teach you how to respond to this because I know what it feels like. Yeah, but they might not be seeing it through that perspective or that lens for Logan. He's like I'm going to do a running carnival. Like I really like running. It doesn't really matter to me where I'm. Like it does matter, because I was the kid where everything I did I did not want to be last. Like I tried really hard, like I tried so many different things, which is all like the self-fulfilling prophecy. Right, I tried so many different things, so why would I be really good at one thing? So, yeah, that was a big thing. And then even this year, like being really intelligent means that he doesn't need to try to meet the standard, right? So then it's kind of like, okay, well, but like just because you meet the standard, like you know you could exceed it. You could push a little bit past it. Like we want, like it's like really hard not to project wounds but also teach your children like I'm trying to teach you that you know, just getting there awesome. But like, like what is your potential bud? Like I'm not gonna push you. I'm not one of those parents where I'm like I want you to get A's and A pluses and stuff, but I'm like, yeah, if you just try it a little bit harder and like it always works out.
Speaker 1:Um, but yeah, he, we signed him up to the math competition because he's just been going through some anxiety and stuff and I think it's really important for him to to learn that even though you have anxiety, you can still do things, that you can still hold that and do things. And this was one of those things where I'm like I wanted to show him that he could. So we signed him up and I said, as long as you try, okay, like just go in. And then I could feel my own thing of like, oh my god, to to make, to, to get in, you have to do a hundred questions like math questions. So just plus and minus under five minutes and you had to get them all right, and I could just feel like little Lorinda, like sitting there, like oh my god, oh my god, under five minutes, like how, how are we gonna do this?
Speaker 1:And I could feel it and I was aware of it and I'm like trying to like pull myself back, and then I had anxiety because I was like I don't want. Then I was like why did I sign him up? Oh my god, why did I sign him up? Because when he practiced at home he got six and a half minutes and I was just like, oh my god, I don't want him to get in there and, like you know, be the only kid that doesn't make it right, because I know he can do all these numbers. It's just about the time frame, yeah and does the time frame matter?
Speaker 2:and maybe I shouldn't have done it because I'm putting too much pressure on him, I know it was honestly a spiral, spiral.
Speaker 1:And here's Matt, just been like, yeah, just give it a go. But in my head I'm like, why have I done this? Why have I done this? Why have I done this? Like um, and it was so funny because the day that he went and done it I was just like thinking about it all day. I was just like, oh, maybe I just ring him, like, pull him out, like maybe maybe you know, like you know, I'll just ask him how he feels about it when he gets home, like maybe it was fine. And he comes home and he's just like super nonchalant. He's like, yeah, I did it in like four and a half minutes and then just starts eating a snack and I was just like, oh my god, you did it in under. Oh my god. And I was just shocked, okay.
Speaker 1:And then I'm at retreat and I get a message saying that, um, he'd made it to the finals and I was just like holy fuck, like okay, you know what, it's fine because at least he did the first round, like he made it through the first round. So what happens from here? I don't fucking care. Right, still a little bit of like yeah, but I know he can do it like I know, like, but I'm like, nope, just leave it, just just ask him about it. Then he does it and um goes to the final. And I thought it was on a Friday but it was a Tuesday, so I didn't have time to panic because I was just like I got heaps of time to practice with him if I need to or if he feels like he wants it heaps of time to panic yeah, heaps of time to panic, actually, um, yeah.
Speaker 1:Then comes home, like last Wednesday, and he's just like, yeah, I did the finals today and I was like what? And he's like, yeah, he's like I finished first and I was just like, okay, well, it's about, you know, you have to get 100%. I could just feel myself trying to like, if he doesn't actually win, like you know, like let's just double check, like let's have all of our ducks in a row, because there's nothing worse than thinking that you won and you actually got fucking second right. And so I could feel that and I'm like, cool, stop talking about it. Okay, stop thinking about it. He's not thinking about it, matt's not thinking about it. Okay, stop thinking about it. He's not thinking about it, matt's not thinking about it.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking about it because I'm like I don't want him to feel let down, because there's nothing worse than feeling let down. And yeah, we got the email and little shit had won. So he got like three minutes and 55 seconds and I was just like, oh my God. But like seeing that, I was just like, oh, I can feel that, try hard. And I was just like, oh my God. But like seeing that, I was just like oh, I can feel that try hard. I can feel that feeling of being let down rise, because there's been so many times in my life that one I had felt like I had let myself down and two that I had been let down by others, and I didn't want him to feel that. But he is human, which means that he's allowed to experience those things, and then it's up to us, as parents, to create a safe space to for them to feel that yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And this is the whole wrapping them in cotton wool thing, where we don't want them to experience the things that we experience, because that's like this is the thing is that that's our trauma, that's our crap, that's our, our wounds. And just because we experienced it in that way, it doesn't necessarily mean that our children will. They could go through the exact same experience that we did and be like that wasn't that big a deal, whereas we were like, oh my god, like massive, big abandonment wound from it, and they're like, yeah, it wasn't that big a deal, like whatever. Yeah, and that's what we need to remember is that when we are wrapping them in cotton wool or we're avoiding, like if rin had pulled him out of school, be like, oh my god, no, because if he doesn't win, blah, blah, he would have completely missed the chance to win and that would have been her shit, that's her thoughts and her biases and her experience that equated then into action because of that wound. Because if she hadn't have been aware of it and if she hadn't have known what was going on, she possibly would have let the thoughts win yeah, pulled him out of school and then he wouldn't have had that experience. And this is why it is so fucking important to be aware of your projections, to be aware of your wounds, so that when these situations arise, you can go is this them or is it me?
Speaker 2:And one of the best ways to tell if this is you or them projecting? Because there are, like, as a general rule, conversations. There's a lot of projections going on at any given time where something that I say you might then project that back onto me and be like oh, you know, steph's so fucking whatever. And it's like babe, that's your trigger. I didn't say anything, yeah, it was just kind of a comment that ren's like oh yeah, that's just steph being steph. But then you might be like oh my god, she's a fucking bitch. And it's like because maybe I to remind you of your high school bully or something like that Like I really hope not, because I was never a bully, I would really hope not. That would really upset me actually. Anyway, anyway, there's my projections.
Speaker 2:But the best way to tell how you're like if you know, oh my God, how to know if you are projecting, is when you're looking at a situation, you are thinking a certain thing. This is where your logical brain is very helpful, like get out of the emotions. You don't need to be in an emotional brain to do this. You are not going to be able to tell. Your ego is going to be like no, she's awful, oh my god, this is definitely going to happen. Oh my god, like he's definitely going to lose and he's going to be completely damaged goods forever and he's never, ever going to enter a competition again.
Speaker 2:Or like whatever the spiral conversation is in your head. You need to get out of that. You need to regulate, you need to go on ground, however that works for you. Go take some deep breaths, go for a fucking run, go to the gym. I don't care what you do. Do what you want to do.
Speaker 2:Then you need to consider am I actually responding to something that they have said to me or am I filling in blanks? Like if Logan had come in and said to Lorenda mum, I'm really nervous, what if I don't win? Okay, cool, we deal with that. But he hadn't said anything of the fucking sort. So in that case, case, when we're analyzing that conversation, we can go yeah, okay, cool, lorinda, that is actually your shit. That's not his, that's yours. Same with with your partner, if they've said something to you that you've taken offense to.
Speaker 2:It can be a little bit trickier, I think, with adults, because sometimes a lot of the time we're taking something that somebody has said in the wrong way or something that somebody hasn't done in the wrong way. So it can be trickier, and this is where having a bit of an inventory of your fucking wounds can help them be like okay, it's something coming out to play here. You know, blah, blah, blah. I'm. I'm a big fan of breaking these things down before you go and have a conversation with somebody, because if you're not kind of aware of what's playing out in your mind, it can turn heated, especially if you're going in emotionally. Like if they come in and they're like oh you know, the house looks really nice, what the fuck does that mean? Like you're going in emotionally, you're not going to be able to see anything. You're probably just going to end up saying really horrible things that you don't mean yeah, I also think there's a.
Speaker 1:There's a lovely pendulum here as well, because obviously we're talking to somebody who is reacting. Right, because this is like we were talking about this this morning. I like the pendulum of like you need to meet yourself in the middle. So if you're somebody who's like cool, I'm not going to come into these conversations emotional at all, I'm going to be logical all the time. You're now just like bypassing a lot of things as well. Yes, so like, every tool is a weapon kind of thing.
Speaker 1:So, noticing your pattern, if you're somebody who's like yeah, you know what I already do, that I come into conversations, I'm super logical. But you can come in super logical and some reason you're having the same fucking conversation over and over and over and over and over again, because you're constantly triggered, because you're not actually experiencing the emotion, you're bypassing it. Yes, so it's kind of just like cool why we're talking here. If you're in a really emotional reaction, this is the thing. Are you responding or are you reacting? Because if matt was to walk and I've had this before if matt was to walk into the door and be like, oh, the house is nice, and I'd be like what isn't it always nice, that's?
Speaker 2:yeah, totally, and I mean yeah, the yeah, when we say go and regulate by the way, that is after you felt the emotion.
Speaker 2:Yeah, please, and I feel like I I forget to say that a lot. Go feel the emotion first, please, before you regulate, because otherwise you're just repressing. So go, if you're pissed off, go stamp around in the backyard or scream into a pillow or go like one of my favorite things to do when I'm really angry at someone and I know that I'm kind of being a bit of a fucking psycho, but I just need to get it out of my system, get in my car, turn the music up really loud and either sing or I have like fake conversations and I just go like and I say all of the horrible things and then I'm like, okay, maybe I'm being a little bit of a psycho now. Now I can kind of go like okay, now I can regulate, now that all of that's out, like write a letter and burn it, do whatever you need to do, but some sort of movement is generally helpful in that case. If you need to cry, cry, you know there's nothing worse than getting angry and then going into a conversation and crying.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, and I think it's like, if you still have a, even if you go into that conversation and you are crying, I like cause I am the emotional one out of the two of us I allow my like I always ask for space. First I'm just like, hey, I'm just going to figure this out for a sec and then I'll sit there and talk, because sometimes, like we think we know what's actually happening, like we're kind of like, yeah, yeah, this is the projection, like this is what's happening, and then you go into it and you're like, huh, as I keep talking and feeling, I'm realizing that this is not actually what it is. It's this fucking wind over there. So it's just like, when it comes to partners, I would just be like, hey, do we have some space just to talk about this and allow yourself to, you know, understand what you think is happening. But if something else comes up, you're kind of like, oh, okay, I can see this a little bit more now. I think it was the other day I was talking to Matt and I was like yeah, this is what I think it is. And then I was talking and I was like, huh, that's not what it was. So, like, even if you do express emotion, like we're not sitting here and going no, don't go into the conversation. Only logical we're saying use your discernment and go. Is this emotion well, one is, this emotion is safe to be here, not just for you, but for the other person.
Speaker 1:I know that, like anger is something that I don't deal well with. When somebody else is like angry at me and I don't feel quite safe, um, and I talk about not in like the physical sense, but it just my whole body, just like, um, where in the other way, the project, like the other side of that is, I'm quite happy to be angry. So, um, so you kind of just like gotta be, you know, not a hypocrite like me. Um, so it's about creating space and going cool. What is also the intention of this? Is it because I and I matt and I always have this like is this a fix or a listen thing? And nine times out of ten, I just want you to fucking listen to me, because I already know what the fucking issue is? Um, I just want you to listen. So, yeah, I guess, with the projections of that, just making sure that, like one, you have space to start to understand it. You don't need to pull the threads of being like, oh yep, when I was seven, this happened and this happened, and this happened.
Speaker 1:No, be like okay, I'm feeling activated, like, for some reason, I'm reacting. Why am I reacting? Oh, it's because I feel like just you've made this one comment about the house being nice, but I haven't heard that in months now. So is the house being bad? Yeah, and for Matt, it's like oh no, I just forget to compliment things. He's like the house has been really great for months now. I just walked in and was like hey, I really need to tell her. So, yeah, it's like using your discernment of like what is like going to be the the best way to express to my partner. This is how I'm feeling.
Speaker 2:I think sometimes as well when it comes to this, like, the reason that it can help to go logical sometimes is like but again, like you said before, you can just kind of end up going around in circles and have the same conversation. But sometimes as well, if it's a really gnarly wound, like the abandonment one, it tends to be in a lot of people sorry, tends to be in a lot of people's little little inventory there, and sometimes you can try and logic it all you want. You can try and feel the emotion, you can process, you can regulate and you are still going to be fucking emotional, especially if it's like a bigger, a bigger projection or a bigger, bigger web. Sometimes you can't help but go into that conversation emotionally and sometimes you will go in logically and then they will say something that will activate you again and you will end up the all the logic's gone out the window, all of your dot points is out the window and you're just like screaming like a banshee. Um, so it can.
Speaker 2:I think it. Just it can help if you can go in. Having some idea of the way that you would like the conversation to go or where you would like it to end is probably a better, like you know. I would like to get to the point where I understand where you were coming from and I, you know, feel better about it. Or I would like to get to the point where I actually don't want you to say that to me anymore and to sort of feel heard and understood, because then it doesn't really matter how you get there, as long as you get there, it's not putting a lot of pressure on it yeah, I literally just had like this image in my head of like, when you're going into a conversation, don't flick the switch off.
Speaker 1:Free the brain. Right, you've got your emotional and you've got your logical, because something that I like really came into, like the relationship is like, please don't invalidate my emotions. And so I would turn off my logical brain because I'm just like no, my emotions need to be seen, they need to be heard. And then, because my brain's off, I'm just expressing, and most of the time, these emotions that are not actually to do with the relationship. It's emotions that I haven't felt safe to feel in a really long time and because my brain's off, they're just kind of flooding out, when, if you have both like, both of those things like on, you can go cool.
Speaker 1:I'm feeling this emotion and I'm able to feel that, while also keeping the boundary of this conversation, that this is a respectful place, right, because this emotion, that anger that I'm feeling, that is now rising, is actually not towards my partner, it's towards something that is similar to this situation. So it's like really just keeping both on One. We don't really want to emotionally suppress, but we don't want it to flood us. If you're being flooded by emotions. I would then take yourself out of that conversation and then go and feel that by yourself and I know that's going to sound really lonely, but creating safety to feel that emotion by yourself, so that way you can release the bottle a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then actually get down to it, because nine times like I've noticed a decrease in our um disagreements this year because I'm not flooded and when you get better at recognizing those emotions as they're coming up, there's this real belief that you know emotional regulation means that you're never going to get upset. No, like you can be fucking livid and regulated where you're, like logically. You can have the logical side of your brain online being like yes, I'm justified, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you can feel pissed off or sad, or scared. Like you can have both. It takes some practice.
Speaker 2:Obviously it doesn't happen overnight, but you can get to the point where you do have both of those brains online, because most times when you're feeling very strong emotions like that, your amygdala kicks in and it completely shuts down the rest of your brain, which is why then we get into these horrible, nasty fights and hurt people, hurt people, and that's why we end up throwing insults about you know how you didn't put that sock in the washing basket last week? And it's like why are we even talking about that? Like, well, you're bringing up the fact that they fucking came home late from a boys night three years ago that you hadn't said anything about because you were trying to be chill and you weren't chill about. And it's like, why are we talking about this now? Like because you're just trying to win. That's all you're doing. You've gone into fight, you're trying to win. Yeah, sorry, how? How do we get ourselves out of the situation where we are projecting or how do we work out what's their shit and what's our shit?
Speaker 1:yeah, see, I've been going through many different things. I think it really comes down to duality, right, because when it comes to me experiencing my projections, I can. I don't want to get rid of that, I don't want to put that behind me and then suppress this and then, like you know, the next situation comes up and I'm doing it. It's learning this, I guess the resilient nervous system. It's learning to hold the activation as well as be in the moment. So I notice that when I'm in a projection, I pull myself out of the present. I'm not watching Logan run, I'm watching myself run. Right, actually has much longer legs, but you know what I mean. Um, but I'm being pulled out of my present moment.
Speaker 1:So what I do, if I'm like in a public situation and I can feel that projection of like oh is so the first question I say is this mine like and this is coming down to like being really connected. I've been like is this actually about me? And being really transparent with yourself and I'm like, yeah, yeah, this is actually really about me, and also like we care for our kids, right, so you can hold the projection as well as being like, yeah, well, I really don't want him to feel that, but it is mine, yeah, right, and so you can hold that and you just ground. Like for me at the running carnival, I literally just moved my toes and was just like breathing because I could feel the anxiety and I'm like, okay, cool, like, and I'm just yelling for logan and I'm back in the present. By moving my toes, by feeling the ground, by breathing, by looking, noticing the colors, I'm like cool, I'm back in the present moment and I'm seeing Logan running right.
Speaker 1:When it comes and this is gonna like that's with children I always kind of go cool, that's not me. And also like projections can be really helpful because you're like, oh, I know that pain, I can hold that pain for them and if they do experience a similar pain that I felt, I know how to move through that and I can help them with the tools, right. But sorry.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just to interrupt because there's there's another piece to this. You can do that because you've done the work around it. Yeah, what tends to happen a lot of the time, if you don't know what your projections are is, you will project it onto them and instead of helping them through it, moving them through it with the tools, what you will do is you will add your shit into their shit, which then makes an even bigger storm. So, like, that's yes, having the tools to deal with those projections, because you're, you're stuck with them, unfortunately. Like, yeah, you can heal them as much as you want, they're still going to be be there. They've kept you safe. They're not bad things. You don't want to get rid of them, but you do need to have the tools to manage them, so then you can teach your kids how to manage them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think this comes down to, like you know the energetics of this right. So, like, when you co-regulate, you need to be in a space to regulate with them. That's the whole point of co-regulation. So, if you've got a projection, you need to go cool. I actually need to keep this latched until I have space to move through it. Right, and I'm not saying don't ever show your kids emotions, because I definitely do. When we, we learn, they learn through role modeling. Yeah, but it's kind of going cool, reminding yourself that as you're speaking to them and as you're talking to them, I would do less fucking talking and more listening. Ask them the questions and and actually listen.
Speaker 1:And something that matt like and I are trying to work on mainly me is not putting words in their mouth. Yeah, so asking open questions. Yeah, what do you feel instead of? Oh, do you feel sad? Yes, so just asking them open questions. Um, really, really good, and sometimes, like the projection just comes out and you say it, and if you have just be like, hey, just wanted to check in, like you know, we spoke about this, but what do you feel now? Because they may say sad in the moment, but it's actually not that. So, just like trying to keep the space open, less talking is better, even if you're just sitting with them. I know something that really arcs me up is like my little avoidant people love you dearly, but if you don't give me the fucking answers it really sends my anxiety in a tizzy. Just sit there, because some people need to co-regulate by cohabitating, and I have two of them in my house. So that was a big learning curve, and one who's your best friend? I tend to find those people.
Speaker 2:You were trying to heal the Rinda.
Speaker 1:Wonderful All the time, but that would be with children, just like really understanding why is my like? Just notice the sensations in your body, like is it acting up when you're watching your kids do something? Is it acting up when there's a big thing coming up for your children? Is it like settling down when there's nothing on for them, right? So noticing those things and then keeping a lot of space with them and don't push them yeah.
Speaker 2:The other question I would ask in that space is like, does what I'm feeling match what they've told me, or what match what the situation is at hand? Not what I feel, not what I'm projecting, but like, yeah, if logan's come home, or if one of my kids has come home and said, oh you know, this kid was kind of mean to me on the playground today, I'm like, what do you mean? What do you mean? Were they bullying you? What do you mean? And then I'm fucking losing my shit and they're like, yeah, you know, they were just kind of like they were. They took my hat and then I got it back and I just went and played with my friends and I'm like, oh my god, who was it? Who wants to?
Speaker 2:tell me everything, because I'll come in there and like that's not probably a really valid reaction to what's happening. If they've come in and they're bawling their eyes out and they're like mommy, this happened to me today and it made me so sad. Yeah, okay, then my reaction is probably valid because somebody has hurt one of my little baby bears and mama bear's coming out. Yeah, sorry, not sorry, because it is our job to protect them yeah.
Speaker 1:And then on the other side, for our emotionally suppressed children who are like many of you guys I'm not gonna going to say me, I'm definitely not emotionally suppressed Sometimes a little suppression would be nice. It's noticing if there's a pattern, right, if they're coming home one time and being like, yeah, my hat was stolen. But if they're coming home with the same kind of nonchalant yeah, my hat was stolen, yeah, my hat was stolen, yeah, my hat was stolen Kind of being like, hmm, interesting, that would be my thing. Of like. Now the other coin of like if they're coming home and constantly telling you things you're allowed to do a little bit more investigation, maybe not even from them, maybe from the school. Just be like, hey, I also am the parent that sends a lot of emails. If we couldn't tell that, that was going to be me, because I want to know what's happening, because I want to make sure that, like that, he is safe. And if this is a pattern that I'm noticing, that he's not allowing himself to feel, then what's here? Then I guess that's with children. Like that would be my thing with projections and children is just noticing and creating.
Speaker 1:I think as a parent, we talk about this all the time. You need to create more space for yourself, and I'm not talking about the self-care way, I'm not talking about that. I'm like you actually need to create more space to feel your emotions so you can stop fucking projecting them onto our kids. It needs to be like I am like the biggest thing that changed in my parenting is I'm very selfish with my time and selfish as in cool I can feel when I'm tapped out. So I need to like even I will just sit in my office and play music. No one comes in 10 minutes, right, and feel what I need to feel half an hour. Then I'm also selfish with my time with my kids, because I'm like cool when I'm with my kids. I'm with my kids, so it's like as a parent, it's like your responsibility to to create that space.
Speaker 2:Yeah with the um, the emotional repression part, because I definitely think that this is something that a lot of us are dealing with in a cycle that a lot of us are trying to break is have, like, are you repressing your emotions and teaching them to do that too? Because that would probably be a bit of a red flag where we were taught to do that. A lot of us were taught to do that, like, go to your room, come out when you're ready to be happy. You know, don't be a sook, brush it off, stop being a sook, stop crying, don't get angry, like all of those sorts of things. So are you saying things like that in your home?
Speaker 2:Because, again, a lot of the time we do parent how we were conditioned and until we bring that awareness to it and we stop doing that, I know that we're trying to validate emotions and all of the things, but are we going like, oh, it's okay to be sad, like, are you sad again? Okay, yeah, it's fine, do you need a cuddle? Like, are you kind of doing that from your your wounds again, your repressy, repressy, emotiony wounds? And again, this is not an attack, because this was 100% me, um, and sort of, do we need to clean that up as well. Again, that's your wound, it's not your child's wound, and they don't need to grow up like that just because you did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I also like just even listening to this, everything that we're saying, it can feel like a lot. Oh yeah, it can feel like we're not saying that. It's just like taking one step at a time. Right, yeah, it's the noticing, it's the creating space, it's the listening.
Speaker 1:So like just even if you just pick one thing today and be like, cool, I'm actually going to listen to what they're saying today, cool, today I actually have a longer lunch break, so I'm going to take space to kind of allow myself to and I'm not talking, you need to do huge emotional releases just fucking sit there with your body and be like, okay, well, what's actually like happening here, and you, your body, and be like, okay, well, what's actually like happening here, and you might feel a deep exhaustion, you might feel frustration, you might feel anxiety and just like notice how that feels, because a lot of us are very especially coming into this work, especially coming into personal development.
Speaker 1:As it is now, it is very coming towards more somatics, and so it's just like just noticing. We're not here to suppress anymore, we're here to notice, and then is it time to move through it or not? Yeah, so just pick one thing, because it can feel really overwhelming. But every time you pick one thing, you're going to look back in like 12 months time and be like oh, I picked all of those things and now this feels easier.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and like the first time as well, the first wound or thing that you pick it's going to feel really hard at first because you've never done it before. But the more that you do it, the quicker you get and the better you get at it. The better you get at spotting things, the better you get at calling yourself out if it is you and the better that you get at going okay, cool. I'm just going to start by firstly, noticing second feeling. Thirdly, you know, bringing conscious awareness to a particular thing that I'm saying that I don't want to say anymore, I don't want to feel anymore or whatever. Like it takes time.
Speaker 2:This stuff is not an overnight fix like we have been on this journey for many, many years. It takes and we still fuck it up every day. There's still at least one thing that I say and I'm like that was shit. Like I got three kids in my house. There's many, many opportunities for me to say dumb shit and I do, we all do. Like you're not supposed to be perfect, you don't have to be perfect, just easy. Some questions I really like for adults if we're projecting onto adults, so we'll take the the you know the house looks really nice today thing. Some some of my favorite questions is like what?
Speaker 2:What was your intention behind that statement? Or what did you mean by that? I've made it mean that you think that the house normally looks like crap. But can you please explain to me what you meant? And normally they're like what the fuck? No, I didn't mean that. I just meant that the house looks nice, but you've made it mean all of these other things from one comment. So you're allowed to say this is what I've made it mean because I have a. I think it's.
Speaker 2:I think it's a bit of an unpopular opinion with the whole activation thing where people say, like your triggers are yours to manage, yes, but also, if you know that somebody close to you has a particular sore point, don't poke it. Yeah, that's an arsehole thing to do. And if you've got a particular wound that you were working through, a particular comment, statement, word or whatever that does activate you, that pisses you off, that upsets you, you have every right to communicate that to the people in your life and say, hey, I really don't like it when you say that to me. It makes me feel like this. I'm working on it, but don't say it to me please, it's a boundary, you're allowed to do that yeah, that's, that's exactly what it is.
Speaker 1:It's a boundary and you just need to ensure that you constantly affirm that, because if somebody doesn't know what your trigger point is, and how are they meant to know, um, I think also like, once again, just check if your partner's in a space to listen, because I know how many times I'm like I made it mean this and they're like well, that's not what I meant. Why do you always take things like that you got to really check, like the permission piece is huge and like that you got?
Speaker 1:to really check like the permission piece is huge and also trial and error, right, is huge. Like matt and I have tried trialed so many different things, because we just do conflict very differently and we are like, honestly, chalk and cheese, especially as we get older. I'm like I said to him the other day, I'm like man, we are pretty fucking different. And he's just like yeah, and then he goes yeah, you are, and I was like wait, but yeah, he's like the banter and like we're both very much banter. But something that I've done over the last, especially the few months, is I'll let him into my brain, right, I'd be like, hey, I'm just gonna tell you, like I I put the little emotions a little dial down and I'm like I'm gonna tell you and this has actually got nothing to do with you, okay, when you did this, it made me feel like this and it made me feel have these thoughts, and I'm like, literally I think it's like normally a minute 30 that I'm like fucking talking and he's like wow, is your brain tired? And I was like, yes, yes, it is. And he was just like, wow, I really just didn't see how you would get there. But now, because I've like, I've mapped it out for him, right, because sometimes you're kind of like, how did you get that from that? But for me, like, because Matt is very logical, I'm like I will map it out for you, right, because I've now mapped it out myself and that's like where, for me, the logical really helps my emotional safety, because sometimes I'm so flooded with emotions that I'm just like, wow, I am nuts. But then I'm like, hang on, a second, here's all, here's all the evidence, right. So this happened, and then this happened. And then this happened and this happened. And this is why I'm activated, because I haven't allowed myself to feel this or I have burnt from both ends of the candle. So it's now my responsibility to go, and that's why I take the responsibility. If you're burnt out, going, well, where in my life is taking so much of my energy but not giving it back? And this could honestly be friendships, it could be family. I'm not saying, cut them out, but can you pull back a little bit, right? So it's just learning how to navigate your partner.
Speaker 1:I know that Matt is very logical, so I like to come at him with logic, right, and we're still working on like to be very transparent. We still work on a lot of emotional safety because, just because you're in a really good relationship. I remember asking him the other day, but like hey, just want to check a few things. And he's like oh, I actually don't feel like good to share certain things. And I'm like perfect. I'm like is that a, is that a me thing? That like I'm not able to hold it, or is it? You're not ready to say it? He's like I think it's a little both and I'm like cool. So for Matt it's like how can I? How, for me, can I create more safety for him? It potentially will be more space, it will be just more sitting, it will be more like cohabitating, so that way he can just really notice that.
Speaker 1:Um, I think that safety piece comes from like our past relationship of me just overreacting, like if he was to tell me something and I would just really make it mean something about me when it wasn't actually about me. It was something that was about him and I wasn't able to listen. So it's now going showing him that like yeah, I'm actually pretty regulated and if you say something to me, like I'm not going to make it mean anything if you tell me it's not about me. So just like look at the mirror. This is the projections and mirrors. If you're wanting your partner to listen to you more, where are you listening or not listening? If you're wanting your partner to talk more to you, where are you not sharing things? So like, have a look at what's happening. And I'm not saying it's always you, but nine times out of ten in my situation it's always been me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, for sure Love it. We hope that you have enjoyed this episode, as always. If you have, please share with your friends or drop into our DMs. We love to hear from you, we love to have conversations with you and we will see you next time. Thank you so much for joining us. We've absolutely loved being here with you today.
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