Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
Real women - slightly unhinged - get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business, relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful, and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Unhinged + Unfiltered: Who gave them a mic?
#48 - From Glass Slippers to Broken Hearts: How Disney Shaped Our Love Lives
Remember all those Disney movies you loved as a kid? Turns out they've been secretly messing with your relationships ever since. From Cinderella teaching us to be martyrs who do everything for everyone, to Ariel literally trading her voice just to chase a man she'd never spoken to, these fairy tales have programmed us with some seriously questionable relationship beliefs.
We dive deep into how these childhood stories created unrealistic expectations about love. The Beast taught us that we should rehabilitate emotionally unavailable men with our kindness. Snow White showed us that beauty and passivity were enough to be worthy. And Mulan? She reinforced the message that women have to work harder and sometimes hide who they truly are to be valued. No wonder our relationships feel complicated!
One of our most eye-opening revelations is about the dreaded "roommate phase" that many couples experience. What if that comfortable stability isn't actually a problem? We explore how movies have conditioned us to expect constant drama and passion, making us mistake toxic patterns for romance while dismissing healthy, secure relationships as "boring." That stability you're experiencing might actually be what emotional safety feels like when you're not living in a Disney movie.
We also get real about intimacy beyond sex, discussing how connection can be maintained even when libidos don't match and sharing practical tools like the "yab yum" exercise that can help rebuild closeness without pressure. True relationships require actively choosing each other every day – fairy tales conveniently skip that part.
Join us for this laugh-out-loud yet surprisingly profound conversation that will have you questioning everything you thought you knew about love. Your relationship might thank you for it!
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Welcome to Unhinged and Unfiltered. Who Gave them a Mic? We're your hosts, steph and Lorinda.
Speaker 3:Warning getting triggered is not only accepted, but encouraged here. This podcast will dive deep into conversations that make you really think about life. No top level.
Speaker 2:BS here, where real women get real about the daily chaos of motherhood, business relationships and everything that comes from life. From airing out the dirty laundry to actually washing it, we dive into the messy, beautiful and hilarious reality of navigating life.
Speaker 3:Tune in for unfiltered conversations, practical tips and tools that actually work and are easily applied, and a whole lot of laughs as we navigate the ups and downs of being a woman together hello, hello and welcome to another episode.
Speaker 1:And today we were wanting to talk about, like, relationship beliefs, because it's like, for me, one of my favorite things to talk about, but then also connecting it to like childhood, because we know that a lot of conditioning happens inside childhood. So I'm like, oh well, what has Disney taught us in our relationships? And we realized, wow, I definitely took those movies and put it in my entire life, right? So this episode is how Disney characters fucked up our relationship beliefs. And this is just going to be fun and it's. It hurt me a little bit doing this, but it makes sense, right. So, before we go on, it was really wanting to talk about relationship beliefs and how, you know, the way that we compare our relationship beliefs and try and put them into our own relationship is actually creating more chaos, right, and especially like right now, of you know, wanting to have such a beautiful and healthy relationship.
Speaker 1:But forgetting that beautiful and healthy doesn't mean it's it's good all of the time. Right doesn't mean that you don't have fights. It doesn't mean that you don't have disagreements. It doesn't mean that you do don't enter the roommate phase, because relationships are about choosing one another at all areas in your life, letting them see all shadows, and which means that when those things come up, it doesn't necessarily mean it's good and even like. The conditioning of like to have a healthy relationship means that you need to have a healthy sex life. To have a healthy sex life means you need to have sex so many times a week, and I'm going to tell you right now there's some weeks where I don't want to be looked at, but that doesn't mean that my relationship is not healthy. It just means that I'm just having a slower libido week. Just means that there's some times where you know intimacy and sex has to be put on the back burner a little bit because we have children, because we have responsibilities, and means that I'm fucking tired, yeah.
Speaker 3:And something that we, I think we, forget. I was talking to a client about this the other day. Intimacy and sex are two very different things, and for women, we need the intimacy men tend to and this is a very gross generalization, by the way, so please take this with a pinch of salt but men tend to be more of the physical, women tend to be more of the emotional in that regard, but for us, the intimacy is like being wanted and being appreciated. And you, you know, maybe TMI sorry to my sister if you're listening to this, because she does listen to this podcast Last night I came out from a work call and the floors had been done and the kitchen was spotless and I was like that is hot.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's just that piece of them showing up for you, them seeing you, them loving you through all of your bits and pieces and just wanting to be held and felt like to feel sexy. And motherhood does not feel fucking sexy. It's boring. We do the same stuff over and, over and over again. We are very rarely thanked for it. It's like there's only so many times that you can. You can't romanticise folding, washing. I don't give a shit what they say, I'll make it fun. How the fuck do you make folding washing 100 times a week fun? You can't.
Speaker 3:It's boring, I don't like it, that's my hated job but we wanted. We did ask ChatGPT about this. I believe it's chat gpt. It looks like chat gpt. Um, like what disney movies or the disney princesses the different disney princesses have taught us about love?
Speaker 1:yeah and we're gonna go through, like what chat gpt says, but also like how we, because I noticed that what it said is different to what I thought. Yeah, as well, and it's like this is the cool thing right of like, the perspective of how you've taken the movie is going to what I thought as well, and it's like this is the cool thing right of like, the perspective of how you've taken the movie is going to be different from somebody. How else was? For example, we had Cinderella and I literally said to Steph oh right, I was just taught that you just run away and you can leave a shoe and they're going to find you. But what happened was I didn't just lose a shoe, I lose my fucking dignity every time. And Steph's's like that's because you were doing the walk of shame. And I'm like, oh, cinderella was actually doing a little fucking Irish goodbye, see you fucking later and got caught because she lost a shoe. Here am I just leaving all of my shit behind? No one come found me. Yeah, had to find a different house.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly, just keep leaving shoes behind. Eventually maybe someone will come looking for my little breadcrumbs. I'm just gonna put my number in big letters yeah, on your, on your fridge and it's just gonna get rubbed out. But what chat gpt told us that we learned from cinderella? Be good, be quiet. You chosen Endured mistreatment with grace and never set boundaries. Martyrdom is noble. Your suffering will be rewarded if you stay sweet.
Speaker 1:And that's just in relationships, right, because, like, the martyr archetype is something that I see so often, right, and even in myself, of like, cool, cool, you be the mom, you be the person everybody goes to you give up your own piece because it's awesome. Oh my god, lorinda, you just do so much for everybody. Oh, lorinda, I know that you can, you can, I can count on you, like you're always there and I'm like, yeah, that's the downfall of being a martyr, though. Yeah sometimes.
Speaker 3:Actually, I shifted a really big responsibility shadow for a client last week because she was like I'm just so angry all the time I just have to like I'm constantly having to be the responsible one. Like my partner went and got drunk the other day and so then I couldn't go for my run because he'd gotten drunk and because he couldn't look after the kids and I I was like, oh girlfriend, that's a big old responsibility shadow. So we shifted it the next night. She let her kids stay up late, she got to be the fun parent instead of the fun police, and it's like we learned that we have to do everything for everybody, like Cinderella definitely taught us this.
Speaker 1:Looking after everybody means that one person in the household should be responsible for all of that shit and the rest of the people should treat them like trash yeah, but one day it will change, because everything that I've done will be seen and noticed and I will finally be appreciated on such a high level that all of that suffering was worth it and I'll go live in a palace because I left a fucking shoe behind.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, and like one day the kids will turn around when they become parents and they'll go oh thanks, mom, for everything you did. Like. Will that really be fucking worth it for doing it all with that much resentment? I don't think so. I don't think so. So what that's taught us? Don't be a fucking mother. You don't need to be responsible. We need to teach. We need to teach everybody to help look after it to them themselves, because otherwise how are they going to be cinderella? But it is, that is our job. It is our job to teach them. It's, it's a really sad part of parenting that it's our job to teach them to not need us. That's really soul destroying. They better still, need us. Like be like my mom. She keeps on trying to move away from me and I just I lived in the same street as her. Then she moved out rural, so I moved a street away from her. I was like, stop moving, because I'm just gonna keep on following you oh my god, steph it wasn't on purpose, but it was kind of funny.
Speaker 3:The next one I love this one. So, ariel, oh, I was never a big little mermaid fan, so tell me what you took from that as a child yeah, it's almost like for me when I think of ariel, of like love at first sight is enough and looks you have to be beautiful yeah, prince eric at that, damn okay.
Speaker 1:But it's like, yeah, you can literally look at somebody and be like love at first sight, like you're allowed to go. Cool, I like the look of this person. I don't know anything about you, but I'm gonna give up my entire being and identity and identity. Your fucking fishtail. Yeah, you're a fucking mermaid. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Like do you know how many fucking little girls want to be mermaids? Yeah, You're giving it up for a man that you don't even know. He's got a cute dog and a fucking chiseled jawline.
Speaker 3:Okay, besty, pretty nice jawline, though Definitely not Prince Eric's day in here, but he may have been a douchebag, yeah, no, he may have been abusive. Who would know? Who would know? So what chat gpt said that ariel taught us about love? Give up your voice for love. She literally traded her voice and her truth to chase after a man she'd never even spoken to. What it teaches us? I want you to listen closely to this one self-abandonment is romantic.
Speaker 1:Be quiet and beautiful and you will be loved. That one, as I read it was like hit me in the feels. I was like, look at me, and this is really for the like, the chameleons, right, the people who change their, their, their shapes and who they are to fit in and to. When you believe, yep, cool, like I'm never going to have a relationship like this, you tend to go what do I need to do to stay in this relationship? Who do I need to be and where can I ensure that my truth isn't seen?
Speaker 3:Yeah, Brut seen. Yeah. Yeah, and I think as well it teaches us again give up who you are for the people that you love, because who you are doesn't matter. It doesn't matter Cause, like love at first sight, if you just chase after that and you become who that person needs you to be, you grow fucking legs and lose your voice. Then they'll love you and you'll live happily ever after. And it's like actually no.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, if you weren't an Ariel fan, who was like your Disney princess that you loved.
Speaker 3:I think the ones I watched the most were Snow White and Hercules, and I know that both of them are in there yeah, then let's go.
Speaker 1:Snow White like watching I didn't realize how old it was, by the way, we watched it the other day with Logan. It was like holy moly. But watching that as a child, what did you take away from Snow White?
Speaker 3:I think I took like you have to look after everybody, because she obviously like went to the cottage, like she was mistreated at home. She ran away because the evil queen was trying to kill her. So, firstly step, parents probably suck. I never had to deal with that, though. I was lucky, and I know that that's also not true, um, but you'll find somewhere that you fit as long as you're doing everything for everybody. But I think that there was a piece of like mutualness there. To a degree she was doing all of the housework that they were working, which is very 1960s, but I think in that particular situation it worked okay. It worked okay. But I think that that one probably contributed a little bit to the sister wound, to a degree that it's like the men will look after you but the women are out to get you Do you know, what I mean Because, like the evil queen was like trying to fucking come and kill her and shit, and that men will protect you, men will save you.
Speaker 3:So you just need to like hang out with them and then you'll be like you need to find somebody to save you.
Speaker 1:What did chat say? Yeah, well, it's so interesting because it says be innocent and pretty, that's enough, because she was, like, known for being so beautiful. But then it says here like literally clean for seven men. And so interesting that you said that as well, because my brain instantly went they were actually going to hurt her, were they? Yeah, so they had gone up the stairs and they had sent Dopey and they were like we got to figure out what it is. But because she was beautiful and because she then helped with the house, they were like, oh, we'll keep her.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get that.
Speaker 1:So then that was interesting when you said that I was just like, oh, okay, but if I am beautiful and I, you know, take care of people, I will be safe yeah, totally, yeah, yeah so, but what this teaches us is passivity is purity.
Speaker 1:Don't question it, don't rebel, just be good and someone will love you. And I think that's part of the reason why I didn't really connect with Snow White, which was funny because I used to dress up as her, because I didn't come from a very passive household. So in my head watching it, I'm like where's this bitch's sword like? But it's interesting how it's like. Yeah, like she was known for being a very beautiful woman. She was like the epitome of like. When I watched it the other day, I was just like, yeah, like she, she cooks, she cleans, she makes sure that they wash their hands. Like she is like the mother of of them, essentially like she takes on that such a mother role. Um, and then obviously she had an apple. Yeah, what that teaches Don't take things from strangers and don't eat fruit. Yeah, don't eat fruit, fucking apples.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but the other thing that I think about is like obviously Disney movie's happy ending. But for Snow White I was like no matter what happened, like she literally ran into the woods, yeah, and she literally went into somebody's house, yeah, and she literally ate an apple, and she fell, didn't she fall asleep in one of their beds.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like bitch, where is your stranger danger? It's okay, though, because you're beautiful, you'll be fine. You'll be fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it's so interesting. But yeah, Snow White was and obviously it's such an old movie and you can see the stereotypes that are playing out in it. But I don't really really like to be honest when it comes to relationships. I'm like her. And what was his name? Prince Eric, Was it Eric? No, no, Eric was. Is it Prince? Who was Prince Charming?
Speaker 3:I feel like that was Sleeping Beauty.
Speaker 1:Okay, no idea.
Speaker 3:No idea who Snow White's partner was, but I don't really remember seeing him, so I just remember seeing. Right at the end I think yeah, so it doesn't matter what happens in your life, you know, eat the apple yeah. Love will still come. Yeah, love will save you, you'll be right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but so funny, yeah. But what about Meg? Like you mentioned mentioned Meg and I actually really loved Meg as well because I feel like she was one of the first like sassy ones and that really connected with me because I've been seeing these passive and these you know very um, very beautiful, like stick kind of figure, but then Meg had obviously like a very slim waist but like some hips, yeah, yeah yeah, I loved meg because she did like feed it back and she didn't just look at hercules like oh my god he's so like all the other girls did.
Speaker 3:All the other girls were fawning and meg was like fuck off and I loved that. But she was also working for the enemy so she was also kind of a bitch yes, but why was she working for the enemy?
Speaker 3:yeah, well, because she'd been hurt in the past, she was trying to save her soul. Um, so, like she was like for me, she'd gotten herself into a fucking jam. Yeah, she done fucked up for another man who had hurt her in the past. And I like her. Um, what's the word I'm looking for? I like her resourcefulness. She wasn't looking for another man to save her, she was trying to save herself. Did she do the right thing? I don't think so, but she tried. She didn't go looking for somebody else to go and save her. So, like, I liked that. She kind of taught me that, like you can be your own fucking hero yeah, I really love that as well.
Speaker 1:But, yeah it, it was like what I got out of. It is very similar to what Chachi APT, though Like so she was sarcastic, guarded, emotionally armoured, after being burnt by love because she literally like, picked, like she saved that person and then they ran away from her to be with somebody else. So there's a huge abandonment wound, and what it taught her was like vulnerability is weakness, power means being unbothered and emotionally attached. She didn. And what it taught her was like vulnerability is weakness, power means being unbothered and emotionally attached. She didn't want to be hurt again. So she's like the belief of like, if I let love in, it's going, like it's inevitable, like love equals pain. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it was, but then you could see that there was a softness at the end. I feel like she went through. I think it was really cool to see Meg, because for me, she went through a really big character development.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that was what we needed to see. That's what we need to see more of, because she then, like, had the projection side of it of like she let love in and she was hurt, right, she saved Hercules and she nearly got squished in, squished in, yeah, hercules. Then she nearly got squisheded, squisheded, yeah, and then, but, hercules saved her. So she did get hurt, but she was okay because it was then received from the other side. That of like you did get hurt, but I'm going to help you, I'm going to love you and I really loved that story.
Speaker 3:Yes, I agree, and I think as well that I liked that because it wasn't like the earlier versions where, like, even beauty and the beast is similar, um, where they actually got to know them before they fell in love with them, which is nice to see, you know, not like snow white and sleeping beauty and cinderella who went and had like one fucking dance, but like, oh, even like anna from frozen. I feel like they kind of tried to fix that a little bit, where they were like yeah, girl, like don't do that because he's a villain. Sorry if you haven't seen, let it Go, let it Go. Oh my God, frozen.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's so funny. Have you seen Wreck-It Ralph? No, okay. So in Wreck-It Ralph they like it's a video game and the main character girl accidentally falls in with the other princesses because she's a princess in the game, but nobody knows that. And it was talking about how she looked at them like what are you talking about? Like one was captured, one was kidnapped, like she's. Like what the heck's going on? It was such a funny play to see all the Disney characters and for this girl to be like are you guys okay, like so funny? Like, are you guys okay, like so funny? But yeah, I think meg, yeah was like allow, like teaching us that we, we, should be a little bit guarded.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I think she taught us better lessons than the previous disney princesses did yeah yeah, so, um, I really loved the one that bell what chat's right about bell. It's a little bit. It's a little bit. If you really like beauty and the beast, you can cover your ears but the thing is okay.
Speaker 1:So you've got the childhood lens right and then you've got the adult lens. So from the adult lens I'm like babe, are you okay? He wasn't human.
Speaker 3:No, like how did we think this was gonna work? And he was abusive. He was an a-hole man. Like he was so mean to you and I get she didn't really have a choice, but like he literally captured you and your father allowed that. What wow?
Speaker 3:yeah, but look, you got Gaston or the beast and I'm like yeah, but Gaston was also an a-hole, like she was, kind of she was between a rock and a hard place there. I feel like that kind of did I get what you're saying about the beast piece, but if we just forget the fact that he wasn't human, that like she did I mean she did kind of choose to go there, it was her choice, otherwise her father would die, I think was there was the storyline, um, but like did kind of choose to go there, it was her choice, otherwise her father would die. I think was the storyline. But like she kind of didn't choose the handsome man. So I feel like that was a bit of a like I liked that lesson that sometimes the handsome one isn't the good guy.
Speaker 1:But I think she did eventually get to know him, though, because I think the movie was actually wasn't over few days, it was over a little while and the other thing.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you ever watched the other connected movies to it. No, so there was like um, I don't know if they were like a series or something, but it had like them during, like the winter and then them during, like the different seasons. Yeah, I actually think it was a longer period. So, like the whole thing was like yep, he's the captor. But then he started to soften because she started to teach him like she taught him how to eat with the fucking spoon and like, yeah, and whatnot. So, from the lens of the child, you're like, yeah, okay, you get to know them.
Speaker 1:And underneath all of that hard exterior is something underneath, but one she fell for her captor this is ChatGPT softened his rage and she like taught him kindness kind of thing which teaches us. It's our job to heal the wounded, the emotionally available men. Because you're like, yeah, you know what? Maybe I'm the woman that will change everything for him, maybe I can make him change. Yeah, yeah, maybe like underneath that heart exterior, like all of that trauma, is just like somebody who just wants to be loved. And you know what, I'm going to see past that heart exterior and I'm going to love them yeah, yeah, and I think this comes back to the martyr to a degree.
Speaker 3:A little bit, a little bit, a little bit. I feel like there's something else there as well. The savior yeah, the savior is probably, probably a better one a little bit of both, I think. Both of those kind of play into it where it's it's your job to fix them, like because they're wounded and they're you know, there's all this stuff there and then it's your job to see past that and you're such a good person because you're choosing to like, take on this project and I think as well, that whole piece of. I feel like this could maybe feed into the, you know, like the gaslighty kind of situations where it's you know, they show you a crumb of kindness and maybe you just continue to look past the fact that they're an abusive beast. That is like literally a horrible fucking person. And yeah, okay, cool, cool, it worked out for bell, but it certainly does not work out for a lot of people. I don't know that. I love the message.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when you look at it through that lens, yeah, but even like the self-gaslighting of like, it will get better it will get better right oh, they've got it in them.
Speaker 3:I can see that they've got it in them.
Speaker 1:They can be nice or even like how would I feel, yeah, if I was emotionally unbearable, I would want someone to stand by me. And I think there's a difference between like going through it right, like in relationships. I truly believe that like just because someone is going through a depression doesn't necessarily mean that you should leave. Like no um what was that?
Speaker 1:there was a, a belief or something on tiktok about. You can see somebody's self-respect through the people that they like they're dating right. So, like, if your partner is, you know, going through a severe depression, you can see the level of respect for yourself. And I actually disagree with that because we are in a like relationships are about flow. Yeah, if I'm really happy doesn't necessarily mean my partner is going to be really happy. They might be happy in the relationship or they might love me, but life might be a little tough for them right now. But then there's a difference when it comes to, I guess, like the abuse side of things. Right, if they're taking things out on you and you've reaffirmed over and, over and over again, or they're just choosing to shut you out and refusing to get help for a long period of time, because I think there is a time there where you're kind of like mate, I can understand why you don't want to get help, because I would avoid that fucking thing too.
Speaker 3:But if it's over an extended period of time and they're actually happy to swallow in self-pity for the rest of their life. That's emotionally unavailable. Why are we here, yeah, yeah, if, especially if they're not even willing to like, why are you willing to put the effort in to fix this person when they're not even willing to put the effort in themselves? It's a question that I would be asking you, like why are they worth more to you than what they out of them? And and yeah, everybody's got their fucking self-worth shit and all of the things. But like, yeah, I don't know that I feel like that one's a little bit of a curly one. It depends on which way you look at it. Yeah, like there's definitely.
Speaker 3:There's definitely good lessons in some of these. I think the earlier ones not so much, but the sort of like later. I don't even know when beauty and the beast actually came out. I think that was one of the older ones actually.
Speaker 1:Yeah, um and that story's been told so many different times as well. I'm just like I mean, most of them have as well. They've all been like taken, but yeah, that was a big one yeah yeah, yeah I think, my favorite is still on here which one milan is my favorite, like my all-time favorite movie, and to read that I'm like can you chat to PT?
Speaker 3:all right, what did you take?
Speaker 1:from Milan. Oh my god, that like being masculine is so good, right. Like if you don't want to, like, if you feel like you don't fit in and you feel like you're not feminine, like she, just she like fucking dropped the tea, like her whole thing at the start. I watched this recently. Everybody I love it and like the cricket and the drag it, I'm like cool. Like you know, if that's not who you're meant to be, like, if you don't have femininity at your core, that's fucking okay. Right, and she had a sword you like swords, I'm like.
Speaker 1:I'm like the she goes into battle, like she actively chooses to go into battle and she did that for her family. So obviously there's that like self-sacrifice of like I'm going to run into battle and I'm going to have so much respect and I'm going to bring, you know, honor back to my family. I'm like she's just taken this thing and like absolutely ran with it and I loved the like independence of that and anyone who knows me talking about this, you can obviously see where I've like really taken this and like ran with it right, and I just love that. She had the ability to just be so fucking good at something. You can see all my wounds like playing out here right now, but like I just love that. She was like I'm gonna try really fucking hard and then she succeeded. Then she saved fucking china. Like girl was a role model for me. Like this is awesome.
Speaker 1:Did I watch this movie again and go? Man shang went through an identity crisis. Man thought he was gay for a hot second right, but then the other coin of that is when obviously this is older right and a different culture when she was found out to be a woman, it was shamed and she was meant to be killed, and it also reaffirmed that, like being a woman in some cases is actually not a safe thing to do and we actually cannot do the things that we really want to do. We have to hide who we are in, actually cannot do the things that we really want to do. We have to hide who we are, um, in order to get the things that we want. So it means that we have to work harder and obviously I unconsciously took that and ran with it for the rest of my life. But I think, yeah, but I don't feel like their relationship. Did you ever watch Milan 2? No, oh my God, great movie. I'm not a movie girl.
Speaker 3:I wasn't either. I have my comforts. Hercules and Snow White man, yeah okay.
Speaker 1:Well, milan 2 is really where it kind of shows the relationship. So in Milan, because obviously at the end Shane comes and you know they kind of get together. It wasn't really huge for the relationship, mainly about the identity. In number two. She is now a part, like she's now a soldier, um, and like everyone fucking knows who she is.
Speaker 1:So she gets to be a woman and shang is also what do they call them? Like a leader of some form, and they have a task to take these three women who are the princesses, right, and they have to take them, because they're actually going to marry these princesses off, because their duty is to save the kingdom by being married. And then milan is obviously having this struggle because she's like I got to do whatever the fuck I wanted to do, like I pretended to be a man. For fuck's sake, why would you have to get married off? And then shang, being a man in this society, is like that's their duty, right. And then the whole thing as well, just to give you all run down on, fucking mulan is mushu.
Speaker 1:When mulan and shane get married, mushu was no longer the main dragon. Another dragon comes in. So then he now self-sabotages and starts to put their values at the test. Because she's like actually I don't want, I don't feel like I should take these women to go get married. And Shang's like that's our fucking duty to go do that. And then they're battling and then it comes out pretty much that Shang believes that women should stick to their duty and Mulan's like but you're going to marry this guy or this gal, so why is it different? And then the three women are like hang on a second. I've now fell in love conveniently with the three other soldiers that are taking me to the next place.
Speaker 3:Great, that worked so well.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I feel like number two was really about the relationship and I took a lot of things of like. Sometimes our values are just like not going to mix. By the end they obviously worked it out because they realised that the little fucking dragon was self-sabotaging everything, but it was just like okay, they got married. Well, they were getting married and Milan's like I don't actually know you, yeah, yeah, they were just doing it because they fell in love, because they essentially potentially trauma bonded yeah, look at me just pulling out these things. They potentially trauma bonded, bonded. Yeah, look at me just pulling out these things. They potentially trauma bonded.
Speaker 3:And then we're like this is what we're going to do because you know, I pick you, you pick me, but they have no idea about each other and that's the thing right, because, like mulan was hiding who she was for most of the fucking movie and then at the end, like yeah, I get what you mean about like shane shane feeling a certain way about her, about, and, like you know, go off, go off, king, do you? We love who we love. It doesn't matter what mood suit they're wrapped up in. But yeah, that's, that's a whole piece of like. You've just fucking lied to me about who you are for all this time. Oh, but I love you anyway. Like god, is that really a good spot to be starting a relationship from?
Speaker 1:But also Shang was going through grief because his dad died yeah.
Speaker 3:See, I maybe watched Mulan once or twice, I don't really remember it.
Speaker 1:My God favourite movie, but there's so many pieces and it also just really showed me how different cultures were Right. Yeah, because for me, like not being in a passive household, our words were like our swords right, but then also that thing of like, okay, well, I'm going to have to work way fucking harder because I am not a man and I have to. Here we go. This is where it all comes from, like I'm realising I have to really prove my worth to somebody, because just being me isn't good enough, and that's my entire childhood life story and that's basically what chat gbt has said had to become somebody else entirely just to be seen as capable and worthy.
Speaker 3:What it teaches you is that who you are isn't enough. Become what's acceptable, even if it means disconnecting from your truth and like I appreciate the go-getter, like go off, sis. You did anything that you had to to do what you wanted to. But yes, it does teach us, especially as little girls watching that, that and I mean obviously that's what China was like then Like there was the one-child rule and if it was a girl, a lot of the time they weren't happy about it. But yeah, I think there's a lot of pretty gnarly undertones, yeah, pretty gnarly undertones there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so crazy.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think the last one that I really like is the elsa one. Well, so elsa obviously frozen is relatively modern compared to the rest of these that we're speaking about. So there was a lot of. I mean, we've already touched on anna and how insane she was. Um, that girl was just looking for someone to love her. Like that girl just wanted to be loved. That's all she wanted. And like I get it. She lost her parents, she lost her sister. Like there was a lot of abandonment wounds there. She was just looking for someone to come in and love her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think for us, like we didn't watch this movie as kids, so like straight away we can already pull the pieces right, like even I loved how anna wasn't actually put together. She was a little nutty, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. So not to justify it, but she was like kept in a castle and was talking to paintings.
Speaker 3:Yeah, she was a bit batty, which is pretty fair considering her childhood, yeah, where she was like her best friend, aka her sister, aka the only person that she had to play with as a child. You know, nearly killed her and then got shut off and she didn't understand why when they were quite young. And then, after, yeah, basically growing herself up because god knows where her parents were they were never in any of the shots playing with her. She was riding bikes downstairs like where were your parents? Because that seems highly fucking dangerous. Yeah, the fact that you got through life is pretty impressive. But then, yeah, her parents die and then she has this big blow up with her sister and she still chases after her sister, which is so anxious attachment of her. And, yeah, then she, you know, finds this person and falls in love with the first person who shows her any kind of interest. And it really does show you how, like, a fucked up childhood can really influence your relationship. She was very lucky to find um, not sven, christoph, christoph, that's the right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I know how, how like, because obviously christoph's got some issues. He talks as the fucking yeah right look at these little things.
Speaker 1:But I, before we move on to elsa, how awesome it was for disney to show us that true love at first, like the first love, is not actually what's going to happen, because that was the other thing, like being in a small town for me, like I thought, cool, my high school boyfriend's probably going to be, you know, thank God. But anyway I digress that just because she had the first one didn't mean there wasn't an opportunity for another love to blossom for her. That she did end up finding somebody that really did match her in so many beautiful ways. Yeah.
Speaker 3:And she had to leave to find him as well. She had to go on a big adventure for her. It wasn't what it was for her sister really, but like you know, yeah, it wasn't for a man, yeah, she went, she was brave, she went to try and help her sister and she met him, just like crossroads and that kind of worked out for her, which I love for her. But elsa, oh, elsa, elsa, why? But Elsa, oh, Elsa, elsa.
Speaker 1:Why do I feel like we attract a lot of Elsa's anyway?
Speaker 3:I know. So this is what chat GPT said that Elsa teaches us isolation is safer than vulnerability. Shut herself off completely to protect others from her emotions. It's a big one. So what it teaches us your feelings are dangerous, keep it together, don't let anyone see you struggle and, ironically, let it go was her anthem, but she never really let anyone in.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so very intellectual, very logical, like there's no way that her emotions got like the emotions got the better of her and her logical brain then went, or probably her emotional brain to a degree, but then she would have gone into logical after she fucked off to the mountain when, hey, you should probably just run away from everybody because that's probably safest, and she was isolating herself because she she didn't feel like the person that she was where. She was very emotionally reactive, like, and she nearly killed people with it. So you know, it's a very sort of like blown up version of emotional reactivity, right, yeah, or like you know, if you make a mistake, that there's a near-death experience for your sister. But yeah, what that teaches us is that every single time you get emotional and you have this big blow up, you could hurt somebody.
Speaker 1:So best just isolate yourself if you're a very emotional person and there's also the identity piece here as well, of like she was pretending to be somebody for a long time and then that time, when she did release her emotion and she actually felt like who she was truly at her core, she then made a castle that nobody could enter. So then from the shadowlands right, she was like, well, my parts will not be accepted by society, so then I'm gonna go and isolate that.
Speaker 3:So it's not safe to truly be who I am at my core yeah, yeah, and she made up like snowmen to guard her because she couldn't trust humans. Yeah, like so she had to make up things to look after her, to protect her from the other humans, because she I think that there was probably a piece of like she believed that they were dangerous to her as much as she believed she was dangerous to them because she would have had the abandonment wounds as well. Because her parents basically shut her into a fucking bedroom and put gloves on her and said, just like, conceal it, don't feel it. Like it's very much our childhoods, right. Like, don't let it show, go to your room, be a good girl, stop crying, don't get emotional. Like very much that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think that they were probably trying to amend that where she wasn't allowed to show her emotions, and then she kind of, like you know, learned how to regulate because she let people in, she let people support her. Like arna got turned to ice trying to protect her, blah, blah, blah. And then she obviously ends up coming back, but she still doesn't feel like she fits in, because then in the second movie she fucks off to the enchant or she awakens the voice in the enchanted forest Forest. Very selfish of her, but she did that and then drags everybody off to go. Have you seen Frozen 2?
Speaker 1:I think I've seen it once.
Speaker 3:It wasn't like yeah, I really liked it. We've watched a lot of Frozen. In my house. I have an Elsa-obsessed daughter, which I'm here for because the boys would never watch it with me. I was so excited to have kids to watch Disney movies and they're just like we don't really like it. I'm like leave, anyway. So obviously then in Frozen 2, she has let everybody in but then she's gone into the forest. They've found like she's hearing this voice that she needs to follow, and she again detaches herself from her support network to go and follow this fucking voice. And she goes into the utter holland, the frozen lake or whatever, and she finds out that it's her mum. Sorry, spoiler alert if you haven't seen Frozen 2. And she ends up getting frozen and then once again, anna saves her ass On your Anna, the little neurotic, batty spicy one keeps saving everybody.
Speaker 1:But for me, I think really what it teaches us is that therapy is great yeah, yeah, I I just feel like, yeah, as you're talking about that, there's like such a level of recklessness oh, so much recklessness, so much recklessness yeah, and it's so interesting though, because for her I think that disney movie wasn't really centered around like relationship, love.
Speaker 1:no, it was really centered around like love itself, and you know that that sister like a different form of relationship. But even though Anna is like the neurotic one, she is probably actually the most grounded in her decisions because she's like cool, I've got to go save my sister where Elsa's like I'm just going to fucking, you know, make snow monsters and then go to this fucking weird lake and then, you know, bullshit.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think Anna really like I think with the hans thing she kind of didn't really accept herself then or she was looking for somebody to save her. But I think after that, I think that like what that taught us is that the right person can kind of enhance you and I think that she really kind of grew into herself in the second movie, which was kind of cool to see where she believed in herself. She kind of really did believe in her and she was still sort of concerned about others around her, whereas I think Elsa was still very me, me, me.
Speaker 1:But that's the pendulum right.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, like she was worried about don't be her, don't be her, don't be her, don't be her. And then in the second movie, it's like okay, I finally found myself and that's just a journey, right, yeah, yeah, right. So it's just yeah, I feel like that particular movie shares a lot of different things and also just because, like even with Hans, like my first thought was she really connected with him, because she thought that he seen her, but he himself was a chameleon. Yeah, but like she instantly threw herself into that, because she's like oh my God.
Speaker 1:Finally, somebody sees me, instead of just being like the other way, right A little bit, just a little bit more guarded, and being like cool. This is the first time that we're meeting. Let me get to know you, because you know, it's so often that we we ourselves are chameleons, but then we will also attract other chameleons as well, yeah.
Speaker 3:But I think it kind of also brings you into that whole societal beliefs about love, right, because she kind of she believed in love at first sight and true love and all of the things and and. Again, for her it was like, yeah, I think it was that piece of somebody did see her and like saw her pain and appreciated her and liked the same things as her Apparently. Um, that she then kind of felt connected to that person, even though they were lying to her the whole time and they were using her. And I think that that's kind of a good it's a. It's a in that, like you know, they spent the night together and blah, blah, blah. I mean sometimes that works out. You hear people who do like the one night stand thing and they end up. One of my best friends did that. She met her husband at a nightclub my mom and dad were very similar yeah that was actually a very funny story.
Speaker 1:but yeah, they they met and lit like my mom because my mom was two years older took my dad home and then really funny as well is that she woke up the next morning and she thought he had stolen her car because her car was gone. And then she's like how am I going to tell my parents that I've taken a man home and my fucking car is gone? But my dad actually had to go to work because he was an apprentice. Yeah.
Speaker 1:He's like I can't miss a day at work, so, and he's like I don't have a fucking car. There's a car here, so what I'll do is I'll take the car and they obviously didn't have mobile phones I'll take the car, I'll go to work and I'll bring it back, so all day she's fucking stewing like, oh my God, somebody's fucking stolen my car. And then, yeah, that's the start of their love story and they got married a year later.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah, so wild and that just kind of it goes back to the intentions of things, right, and like what we assume somebody's doing. And yeah, I mean, dad, you could have left. No, yeah, I was gonna say that like, yeah, they didn't have mobile phones, but did they have like a paper and pen you?
Speaker 1:scratch it on the wall. Oh my god, dad. Um, yeah, it's yeah, so funny, so so funny. But like also just goes to show like what you think will happen and what actually happens are two different things, like for Matt and I. He was a Tinder swipe and when I met him I was just like this is never going to work. And then here I am, eight and a half years later.
Speaker 3:Yeah, see, mine was. He was my best friend from high school's older brother and I'd known the family for fuck. I was 26 when we got together, so I feel like I've read a book about this no, like I know I'd known the family for like probably 15 years by this point.
Speaker 3:I knew who he was, but he'd always been in a relationship and then I'd been in relationships and then heartbroken and all of the things. And then the stars aligned and she got married and, you know, we reconnected and he saw what he wanted and he went after it. I did not stand to hope and that was like for me, I think, when people sort of say, because I had a relationship before that, that was very on again, off again, and I thought that if I like I think all this Disney stuff right, like if I just became this person, then like he would stay and that if I just, like you know, went against my values and all of the things and like it got to the point where I was like this is cool and he left anyway. So I didn't, I got left on in that relationship. But then I met my husband and like that man chased like the whole you know the whole like if they wanted to, they would, and if they're not giving you the red light or the green light rather than they, like I very much saw that with him he would send me flowers every single week because he lived in Darwin.
Speaker 3:I lived in Brisbane, um, it was in Bali that we met and kindled and all of the things, and I think like two weeks later we were in a relationship. That was the first of November. I moved to Darwin in the February and fell pregnant in the March gee whiz.
Speaker 3:Man knew what he wanted he knew what he wanted and he was just like I am not like this is happening and it makes sense because he does not really take no for an answer. Um, luckily, I did not want to tell him no either. I mean, the flowers every week were really nice.
Speaker 1:I don't get them anymore you're so funny my whole being when you said that was like ick oh, it was.
Speaker 3:I think ordinarily I would have said the same thing. It was a little bit embarrassing because people in the office were giving me so much grief. Yeah, but I think I don't know. That's just that's how he was, yeah.
Speaker 1:In the beginning I mean it's so beautiful because, like, if Matt was to do that, like I'd be like yeah, but it's so funny in past relationships where I'm like please don't bombard me with love because that makes me ill.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, it felt really different after coming from a relationship where I felt like a second option a lot of the time and still kept like, oh, please, just, please, choose me, please choose me, to having that person who, like he has never, ever, once not chosen me.
Speaker 3:I've always felt so chosen in our relationship, so secure, so comfortable.
Speaker 3:And I think this kind of segues into the other thing that we wanted to speak about besides the disney princesses, where a lot of the time, we kind of are made to believe from movies that it has to be this like passionate, like you have to be fighting all the time and there has to be lots of sex and, like you know, you have to like always want to rip each other's clothes off and blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 3:And I think that that's where the roommate phase comes from as well, a little bit, because it's like, are you confusing that like fiery emotional kind of connection with love and missing the fact that comfort and security and stability is also that? And are you just so used to the chaos and grown-up believing that that's what it looks like, where there's these big, huge fights and then they leave and then they fight for you and they come back and they stand outside your apartment building with an armful of roses saying I'm so sorry, I fucked up. And is that why we're constantly chasing these people, being like that's what's going to happen, like I'm going to get my movie ending Like in those movies like he's just not that into you or love actually, where they're always like meeting these guys who just aren't interested.
Speaker 3:And then it's like you know, you're my exception, because it's like the, the player who never went after girls, and just you know what do they call it pumped and dumped or whatever oh god, that is disgusting sorry not when they just, you know, like they meet a woman, do their thing and then they fail and there's just never any emotion behind it because they're emotionally stunted and all of the things, and then eventually they find this woman that will change. That, like changes them and they go oh okay, yeah, I'm ready to settle down now and like, yeah, I'm ready to give up my playboy ways and like I do believe that there is somebody out there for everybody, in that way, like they will meet that person. But you know, when it's you, you do. You know when it's you, because there's not the whole, like there's not all the questions.
Speaker 3:I don't think and that's not to say that your relationship is never, ever going to have questions, it's never going to have rough patches, it's never going to have periods where you're like is this the right thing or not? But I think, like these really up and down tumultuous relationships where there's constant fights, there's constant chaos, I think they've been so normalised that then we're led to believe, when we don't have that and we do have a stable relationship with good communication and a place where you know like you can come and land and you can come and be soft and you can come and be yourself, where it's like this isn't chaotic enough for me.
Speaker 1:Maybe there's something wrong and it's like no, all that's wrong is what society's told your relationship should look like yeah, I think, coming from that, like being in the same relationship, like being in a relationship with the same man, of having those two dualities, it's kind of like when, when can we start to create security?
Speaker 1:as it's like security and stability as sexy but, like because I just think about it from, like my past experiences of, like all those big passion moments, is because there was a potential that it wouldn't happen again.
Speaker 1:Like, if you think about like your best sex, it's kind of just like, well, it's because, like one, I shouldn't be doing Two, I don't know if I'll be able to like do this again with you, so let's make it the best ever kind of thing.
Speaker 1:And then you kind of like, when you're in a relationship, we kind of forget that stability and security is actually really important to us and you're probably not having those huge adrenaline spikes because you are safe, yeah Right, your nervous system isn't firing off of like, oh my god, like this is, this is something that I shouldn't be doing, or like you know you might leave me, kind of thing. It's like, oh, okay, I'm like actually really fucking safe and I'm regulated, so how can I create, you know, more intimacy with my partner? And also remembering like a relationship isn't just about the like sex, it's about who you're choosing to do life with, which means that you will have seasons in yourself where you don't feel great and neither does your partner, and, like, you are not going to have the same libido as your partner.
Speaker 1:I think that was the thing that, like, no one really spoke about when I got into relationships of like one of you may have a higher libido, and it's also making sure that if you are the one of you may have a higher libido, and it's also making sure that if you are the one who doesn't have the high libido, that you don't make it mean something about you. And then, if you are the person with the high libido, um, do not weaponize that. Yeah, and then that obviously comes from a very individual experience, like, do not weaponize that, do not make excuses for it, and it's about creating, like, even more safety in your relationship of going, hey, I'm really not feeling this. I know that I've been telling you over and over again that I just, you know, I just don't want you and I've been putting you off for like months. Now, what, what else, as the partner with the higher libido be like, hey, cool, like, what else can I do to ensure that you feel that way? Because, like Matt and I have been through that many times and I know that we'll continue to go through that.
Speaker 1:So we just have different ways that we build intimacy. It could be cohabitating. It could like one of our favorite intimacy ways is, um, it's called the yab yum and it's like where you, it's not a sex position. I mean it could be. Have we have? We made it that way? Yeah, we, we have. But anyway, now I'm getting visuals, you're welcome.
Speaker 1:Um, so, essentially, like, what one person does is they sit against the, the, like bedhead, and they're just in a normal sitting position. They can have their legs out or whatever, and then the person on top will sit like on them and then like hug them, and but it's so funny because I definitely had a little bit of an ego, like spiritual ego, because I'm so in personal development turns out I really don't like eye gazing. Oh yeah, no, yuck, and it's few things. One I don't mind looking at somebody, but I also can't stop moving my fucking eyeballs. So then I get really like which eye am I going to look at? How long have I looked at this? And I get really in my head and it's because I'm just like, ooh, someone's seen into my soul, anyway. So that was a really eye-opening moment ha, play on words where Matt's like I feel fine with this and I'm like, oh, holy moly, but you can do it with eye gazing.
Speaker 1:But we actually just like to do it as like a cuddle, yeah, and there's like obviously different levels of this. You can do eye gazing just cuddling. You can have clothes on, so that way it doesn't move into anything. And if you're like hard, no, you could not, you can just have like any. Also, even if you have your clothes off, it doesn't actually have to move into anything anyway.
Speaker 1:But it's just a really nice way of physical connection without having to do anything else. And so that's one of our favorite ways, because I'm just like, oh, I actually just get to be with you and I don't have to fucking talk and I don't have to fucking think, and I still get like that physical touch. And there's no like like, oh, if we do this, then I, we have to do this. And sometimes, just having that physical touch, I'm like oh, you know what this is actually like, activating something. Like you know, maybe I want to get a little freaky sometimes, I don't, okay, but there's that permission piece. So it's like finding ways that you can get out of that roommate phase right, because I would not do that with my roommate no, that would be really weird really weird.
Speaker 1:So but yeah, I feel like the roommate phase is really great at showing you where where you want your relationship to move.
Speaker 3:I would also question like why do you think it's the roommate phase? Is that because what society is telling you and your beliefs about the relationship? Or is it actually that, like you've put your relationship on the back burner because you think that you have to put all of the effort into the kids and you are actually not putting shit into that relationship? Because, unfortunately, the garden that is not watered will die and, contrary to what they say, if it's right, it'll just work out. Not necessarily you do need to put the work into it. You do need to make them feel loved. They need to make you feel loved like it does. You do need to put effort into that relationship. I also don't prescribe to the whole belief that relationships are hard work. I think that if you are in a relationship that you are choosing and you are choosing each other, you will just naturally put in that hard work because you want it to grow and you want it to continue to be better and you want that connection and it will wither and die if you're not putting effort into it.
Speaker 3:And I've spoken to a lot of people who are now mid-separation and one of the things that they tell me the most is although the separation probably would have happened eventually. Anyway, because you know, whatever they say, I do feel like I didn't put enough effort into my relationship and I can see how that has contributed to the situation that I'm in now. Yeah, and sometimes that's just what happens, like we think that we're going to be that person who's still married when we're 70 or 80 and it's like relationships do break down. They do, yeah, they do, and you, we do need to like. The reason both of us have such strong relationships is because we put effort into them. Like you know, we also got lucky to meet decent men Lucky, I don't really know that. I believe that either. I found him and I was like you're mine, klaus. Thank you, I want that one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think for mine and Matt's relationship, when we talk about this, a lot is like that we actively choose each other yes, yeah, and that I think that is the change in my relationship of like cool, not only you know what it's like, it's the choice here. It's not even actively choosing each other, it's also actively choosing ourselves, because we have a really big growth value in our relationship. Of like this will, relationship will to continue to grow as long as we in as individuals can grow and see things but then also come back together and choose one another yeah, totally, and I think your relationship should embellish you.
Speaker 3:It shouldn't make you, if that makes sense. I was having this conversation with a friend the other day and I was like this is the first relationship where I've been like I don't need you in the kind of way of like, you know, I couldn't live without you. It's like I couldn't imagine my life without you, because I really really want you here and I love you so much and I just love that you're part of my life.
Speaker 1:But if if it were to turn toxic in some way, I also I'd be okay yeah, I would walk away and I think that's something that we can definitely talk about again, because that's that's a huge identity piece and relationship piece as well. But just so interesting how, even just going through these Disney characters, you can see the beliefs and you can see the stories that are playing out, and we're not really shaming them. They were great fucking movies. But it's like kind of noticing where you're taking things and how our conditioning has changed over the years. Right, we went through like the whole you know men take care of us to then the hyper independence of women take care of themselves, and so now it's just finding a beautiful middle ground of like, okay, well, where can we just be?
Speaker 1:yeah yeah so, but we hope you love this episode. It was fun to go through our favorite disney movies and see different perspectives and to see how this actually plays out in day to day. And if there's anything else that you would love for us to pull apart because we also love doing that then let us know. Leave a review if you loved this episode. But other than that, have a beautiful day thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 3:We've absolutely loved being here with you today.
Speaker 1:And if you have enjoyed today's episode as much as we have enjoyed recording it, please leave a review or drop into our DMs. We would love to hear from you.